Rick and Morty 2x7

1. What's new at school?

2. - Nothing. - Nothing!

3. Oh, uh, one of the lunch ladies died.

4. They found her in the gym with, like, two holes in her neck

5. and all the blood drained out of her.

6. Good lord! Who does something like that?

7. Obviously a vampire. W-W-Where's the pepper?

8. Wait, what? Vampires are real?

9. Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew?

10. Oh, right, all humanity, for hundreds of years, now.

11. Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe.

12. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

13. Well, what are we going to do?

14. We're gonna live our lives until we die.

15. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident

16. or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

17. Grandpa Rick, couldn't you, like, use your superknowledge

18. to turn yourself into a teenager and come to our school

19. and help us hunt the vampire down?

20. Um — Wow.

21. Yeah, pretty specific pitch, Summer.

22. I probably could turn myself into a teenager

23. and hang out in the zit-covered, hormone-addled,

24. low-stakes assworld that is high school.

25. But here's my reverse-ask —

26. Why in the fuck would I ever do that, ever?

27. And how dare you even ask me that?

28. And why aren't you more ashamed of yourself?

29. - Dad! - Be ashamed of yourself, sweetie.

30. Jerry! Do you know what you just said to our daughter?

31. Sor-ry! I wasn't paying attention.

32. To a conversation about vampires?

33. Clearly, I didn't know it was about vampires,

34. because I wasn't paying attention,

35. which you would know,

36. if you ever paid attention to me!

37. Oh, here we go, right to the victim role.

38. Am I a victim, Beth,

39. or am I married to a mean, unfair monster

40. that always hurts me?

41. Jesus Christ! Will you fix your marriage...

42. or get a divorce already?

43. Well, we tried a couples' therapist.

44. That's Earth therapy.

45. You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round.

46. I mean, he'll try his best, but mostly, he's just gonna get horrified.

47. I know about a place off-planet with a 100% success rate.

48. Well, we want to make it work, if we can.

49. It's just — - Then it's settled.

50. No need to pack. - Oh!

51. Let's go, go, go, go!

52. Do you think Mom and Dad are, you know,

53. gonna get a divorce?

54. I think it's okay to dream, Morty.

55. I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.

56. I booked you for a two-day intensive at Nuptia Four,

57. the galaxy's most successful couples' counseling institute.

58. They could save the marriage of a dog

59. and a bar of dark chocolate.

60. They could save the marriage

61. of a porn star and a porn star.

62. Well, I know I'm ready to try whatever it takes.

63. Which clearly implies that I'm not.

64. It's not a competition, Beth.

65. Oh is that how you're gonna try to win,

66. by implying I'm competitive? - If the shoe fits.

67. - My shoe fits up your ass. - You wish!

68. Okay, have fun. See ya Thursday!

69. Oh!

70. Jerk. - Don't insult my father.

71. He's the reason our kids are only half-stupid.

72. Ha! You just called yourself —

73. Oh.

74. - Beth and Jerry Smith? - Yes.

75. I'm Glaxo Slimslom.

76. Welcome to Nuptia Four.

77. Your marriage can rest easy now.

78. Jerry, go ahead and sit there and put this on.

79. This machine isolates the part of the subject's brain

80. containing all perceptions of its romantic partner.

81. And we will now render Jerry's perception of Beth

82. with artificial biological life.

83. Interesting.

84. What the hell is that? Take that back!

85. You do not think that about me!

86. I didn't do anything! They scanned it out of my brain.

87. Can I take it back?

88. There's nothing to regret.

89. We're dealing with unconscious, unhealthy thoughts.

90. Beth.

91. Now, we scan for Beth's perceptions of Jerry.

92. - Scan hard. He's dead to me. - Everything's dead to you.

93. - What? - Nothing.

94. Read it and weep, bitch.

95. Does everybody see what I mean?

96. I think we all see what you both mean.

97. Any leads on the vampire?

98. No, Summer! I mean, you know,

99. I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

100. Oh, so, now, you're too cool for this,

101. just because Grandpa Rick is?

102. It's not that, it's just that the universe

103. is a little too big to care about something so small.

104. Aah! - What up, my Helsings?

105. Who wants to hunt a vampire? Ha ha ha!

106. Rick? How — How did you —

107. Yeah, I got bored and then, I remembered,

108. this morning, how I blew Summer off, and I thought,

109. "Hey, why are you such a grumpy douche, Rick?

110. Go to the garage, transfer your mind

111. into a younger clone of yourself,

112. and get embroiled in some youthful hijinks.

113. What's the BFD?" So here I am.

114. I'm Tiny Rick! - O-O-Okay.

115. Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

116. I was pretty sure we didn't have what it takes

117. to deal with a bloodsucker on our own.

118. Don't short-sell yourself, Summer.

119. You got everything it takes. But it'll still be fun...

120. to do this as a fucking team, motherfucker. Tiny Rick!

121. Yeah! Oh, my god, Toby Matthews!

122. Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. I'm new.

123. Hey oh — Go easy on me. Ha ha. Just kiddin'.

124. Hey, I like your straightforward style

125. and that lab coat's pretty cool.

126. Summer.

127. He knows my name!

128. Why wouldn't he? You're great!

129. But, listen, just be careful.

130. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire,

131. not even the dreamboats.

132. Stop, Tiny Rick.

133. Huntin' a vampire with my grandkids!

134. Fuck! Tiny Ri-i-ck!

135. The next step is to watch your mythologues

136. interact together and, uh — big surprise —

137. It's never pretty.

138. Here we have Garrrh and Zharbidar Gloompfschs,

139. or, should I say, here we have the way

140. Garrrh and Zharbidar perceive each other.

141. As we can all see,

142. this is hardly the real Garrrh and Zharbidar.

143. Which is good, because the relationship

144. in their heads is not only ugly,

145. it's unsustainable.

146. You may already be learning something important —

147. All of these relationships are different,

148. none of them are real, and none of them work.

149. We are not the monsters we sometimes see each other as,

150. because we are real and we are functional.

151. That's what makes us better than them.

152. We can find solutions.

153. We can adapt.

154. We can communicate.

155. And, most importantly,

156. we can work together.

157. Well, it was a tough adventure, but it paid off —

158. Our school is vampire-free!

159. Man, who would've suspected Coach Feratu?

160. You did great, guys. Couldn't have done it without ya.

161. You know, we — w-we should be proud of ourselves.

162. We killed a vampire anda gym teacher.

163. Ha ha ha. Talk about two-for-one, right?

164. So, how, exactly, is your old body living

165. in there, Grandpa Rick?

166. Oh, you know, hyperbaric quantum fluid,

167. that kind of thing. It preserves living tissue.

168. Not that there was much to preserve.

169. Look at that mummy! Ha! Ha ha!

170. And I guess it's time for me to get back inside the old-timer.

171. Oh, my god. Toby Matthews is asking...

172. if my parents are still out of town

173. and if we can have a party!

174. All right, way to go, Summer! What did I tell you?

175. Ohh! He's asking if Tiny Rick will be here.

176. Well, you know what, Summer?

177. Tell him Tiny Rick will be here!

178. And tell him to bring some brews!

179. For real? Y-Y-Y-You would stay as Tiny Rick,

180. just so we can have a party?

181. Hell, yeah! What's one more night?

182. And who can have fun with this old bastard hanging around, huh?

183. Wubby lubby doob doob!

184. - Whoo! - Tiny Rick!

185. Moving on. Now, we have Beth and Jerry Smith

186. from the planet E-Arth.

187. - My heart is pounding. - This is gonna be great.

188. The E-Arth relationships are simpler.

189. It's a primitive planet, so their dysfunctions are oh —

190. W-Wait, what? What's going on?

191. Where are the Smith mythologues?

192. Oh, my god.

193. Aah! Aah!

194. - Oh, my god. - Secure the cell!

195. Aaaah!

196. Uh, hey! You know what's fun? Our gift shop.

197. Why don't we proceed in an orderly —

198. Oh, dear god, no.

199. They're codependent! Run!

200. Oh!

201. Oh, yeah, yeah, you really know how

202. to sport that color blue. - Really?

203. - You're looking real good. - Oh, my god.

204. - Hey, Morty. - Oh, hey — hey, Jessica.

205. So, is Tiny Rick your brother or cousin, or...?

206. No, my grandpa just transferred his consciousness

207. into a clone of himself so he could be in our high school.

208. Cool.

209. Hey, Tiny Rick's playing guitar.

210. All right, everybody.

211. This next one's coming straight from the heart.

212. Making the lyrics up right off the top of my head.

213. Tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody!

214. This guy's amazing!

215. - I love Tiny Rick! - Bad. Ass.

216. - Yeah!

217. Aah!

218. Huh?

219. What the fuck?

220. Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?

221. Us? What the hell kind of relationship do you have?

222. Oh, right, blame this on us.

223. Okay, uh, I can and I am!

224. Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

225. - Isn't that good? - No. No! It's bad!

226. You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed.

227. It shouldn't exist!

228. You should never, ever, ever, have gotten together

229. and I do not understand how, or why,

230. you would ever stay together.

231. Aaah!

232. Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.

233. Totally.

234. - Wait for us! - There's only room for one more.

235. I'm a therapist. I'll talk to them.

236. They're not therapists. Go, go, go!

237. There's gotta be a way to contact my dad.

238. Let's find a control room or something.

239. Beth! You'll want to see this.

240. - What is it? - It's a small, hinged panel...

241. with a tiny amount of space behind it.

242. If you can find one, too,

243. we should be safe for hours, maybe days!

244. You stay put, Jerry.

245. I'll send help, if I make it.

246. You don't want to find your own little hatch?

247. Jerry, I believe that, if you hide by yourself,

248. you might survive and I believe I,

249. by myself, have a shot of getting out of here,

250. but the two of us, together?

251. I don't know.

252. Look, maybe the shrink was right.

253. Good luck.

254. All right, now, you listen to me.

255. Oh! Or don't.

256. Hey! Don't! Please!

257. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!

258. Now, I know I've said, in the past,

259. that math is important — And it is! —

260. But I also think that, one day, you'll all look back

261. on being in high school with Tiny Rick and Morty,

262. who I hear had a great party last night.

263. So, class dismissed. You've got the day off!

264. All right! Good work, Mr. Goldenfold!

265. Yeah, get outside. Read a book.

266. Put on some sunscreen, Danielle!

267. Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

268. Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be

269. getting back into your old body tonight?

270. No can do. Tonight's the big dance.

271. And Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wing man.

272. Tiny Rick!

273. Okay, but if not tonight, when?

274. I don't know. When I feel like it?

275. Damn, girl! You need to chill out!

276. This whole thing was your idea, in the first place,

277. and, now, you're trying to rush it along.

278. Yeah, and you know what? I like high school.

279. I like hanging out. Tiny Rick!

280. But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

281. Oh!

282. Oh, Summer!

283. It's just Rick in a younger body.

284. What's the — What's — What's — What's —

285. What's the — What's the problem?

286. Look at his art, Morty.

287. I've got an emo streak. Part of what makes me so rad.

288. Why does it say "help me Morty and Summer!"?

289. Come on, Summer, that's the title of the art.

290. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider?

291. The car's name was Kitt. Nobody rode Michael Knight.

292. You're overthinking it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!

293. Grandpa, I think that, when you put your mind

294. into this body's young brain,

295. it did what young brains do —

296. It shoved the bad thoughts into the back

297. and put a wall around them.

298. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick.

299. The fact that you're old,

300. the fact that we're all going to die one day,

301. the fact that the universe is so big,

302. nothing in it matters — those facts are who you are.

303. So you're trapped in there and you can only come out

304. in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

305. Well, Summer, I hear

306. Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks.

307. Can't think of anyone that is.

308. I'll see you motherfuckers at the dance! Tiny Rick!

309. Morty, you have to help me!

310. Summer, he's happy! I'm happy!

311. I-I-Is that why you're doing this,

312. you don't want me and Rick to be happy?

313. - No. - Then get your shit together!

314. Get it all together and put it in a backpack.

315. All your shit, so it's together.

316. And if you gotta take it somewhere,

317. take it somewhere, you know?

318. Take it to the shit store and sell it

319. o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do!

320. You just gotta get it together.

321. Get your shit together.

322. Get back!

323. Wait, for real?

324. You're how Beth sees me?

325. Oh, my god. Turn around!

326. I said turn around!

327. How can Beth have these thoughts about me?

328. That judgmental monster bitch!

329. I'm not taking this.

330. I want to know where my wife is.

331. You are going to help me.

332. No! Nobody's doing that!

333. Stay.

334. - What do you want? - Jerrys.

335. You want Jerry? I don't even want Jerry.

336. I want Jerrys.

337. An army.

338. An army of Jerrys.

339. The value of his subservience is wasted on you.

340. I will use it to dominate the universe.

341. Ah ha ha. Boy, Jerry must think I'm pretty stupid,

342. for you to be this stupid.

343. Wouldn't it make more sense

344. to put my dumb-ass husband in this chair,

345. so you can make an army of your badass self?

346. There could never be more than one of me.

347. I'm the strongest, smartest being alive

348. because Jerry thinks you're that much stronger

349. and smarter than you are!

350. Okay, ouch.

351. Oh, hey h-hey-y! Morty, Jessica, what's up?

352. Check out the new dance I made up.

353. It's called "Ooh let me out!"

354. Awesome!

355. Okay, that last part was really weird.

356. Maybe Summer's on to something here.

357. I don't know. It was fun.

358. You want to slow dance?

359. Tiny Rick, hey, great dancing as usual.

360. Moment of your time?

361. Tiny Rick, this conversation

362. is gonna break my heart wide open.

363. You're a great student and the fact that

364. you're an 80-Year-Old man in a clone body,

365. it never bothered me.

366. But this here is another matter.

367. You recognize this?

368. We got a tip it was in your locker.

369. Yeah, now, because the gym coach was a vampire,

370. the school board is embarrassed

371. and won't take it public, However,

372. they can't have students killin' teachers.

373. I gotta expel you for this one, TR.

374. I'm sorry.

375. I just got expelled, Summer!

376. Oh! So I guess there's no need to stay young.

377. My top! - Screw your top!

378. You ratted on me? I'm Tiny Rick!

379. Fine! Yes! Because I love you...

380. and I'm trying to save your life!

381. High school is my life!

382. Summer Smith is a fucking psycho nerd

383. and she just got me kicked out of school!

384. Boo!

385. Summer, I thought you were cool!

386. I'm sorry, okay?

387. How can you be such a bitch?

388. Oh, my god, Morty.

389. Your sister crossed Tiny Rick?

390. Talk about self-destructive.

391. Yeah.

392. Hey, Jerry-Lover!

393. How about a taste of the real thing?

394. Jerry!

395. Ah. Ah. Ah.

396. Ah ah ah ah ah aah aah.

397. Not on my watch.

398. That's it!

399. Beth, it's me, your husband!

400. I'm here to save you.

401. Or my name isn't Jerry Smith!

402. - Aha! - Yes!

403. Jerry Smith!

404. - Yeah, here. - Aha!

405. Okay, fair enough.

406. Say goodnight, old man.

407. What the hell are you doing? - Put it down!

408. Summer, you bitch!

409. Don't talk to her that way! She's your granddaughter!

410. I don't need a granddaughter! I'm Tiny Ri-i-ck!

411. She's my sister! And if Tiny Rick is

412. gonna be an asshole to my sister, then,

413. you know, y-y-you may as well be old again.

414. You think you're tough, huh, Morty?

415. What are you gonna do? I'm Tiny Rick.

416. I'm the coolest kid in your school.

417. How are you gonna just make me do whatever you say, huh?

418. I'm gonna do what real Rick would do if he was here —

419. I'm gonna kick your ass!

420. Ohhhh!

421. Rick, I know you're in there!

422. I know you're trying to get out!

423. That's it, Morty! Hold him down!

424. Listen to it, Tiny Rick. Listen to Elliott Smith.

425. Ugh! No!

426. Feel what he's feeling.

427. Ugh! Noooooooo! God!

428. Oh, god, what is life?

429. How can someone so talented die so young?

430. What is being young?

431. I'm not young. I'm old. I'm — I'm gonna die.

432. My body isn't real.

433. Morty! Summer! It's me!

434. It's Rick! Regular Rick!

435. Rick! How do we get you back into your body?

436. Okay, listen carefully.

437. There's a set of diodes on the vat's control panel,

438. a blue one and a red one.

439. Oh, god, what kind of world is this? I didn't ask to be born.

440. I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple

441. and the red one to — Why doesn't anyone really like me?

442. - Focus, Grandpa! - Just put the stupid wires on my head!

443. I hate being a teenager!

444. Ugh! Arrgghh!

445. Ah! Uhhhhh!

446. Jerry, you can't bend metal.

447. Then make a me that can! - How can I do that...

448. while I'm watching you totally fail to bend metal?

449. Good old Beth!

450. The mind of a robot and the heart of an insect!

451. Don't talk that way about her!

452. What?

453. Oh, it hurts!

454. Oh, god.

455. Stop.

456. This representation displeases me.

457. Aaah!

458. Good lord. How did you...?

459. Well, I had a feeling that, in your mind,

460. the ideal version of me is one smart enough

461. to see you as...

462. a goddess.

463. Not such a stupid worm now, are you?

464. Honey, when it comes to the subject of your ego,

465. I'm Stephen fucking Hawkinson.

466. Ugh, it's — Never mind.

467. I love you.

468. - Rick! - Pants!

469. Holy shit! Thanks, kids.

470. You figured it out. Well, Summer did.

471. Kind of weird that you were that willing

472. to sell my existence out for some trim, Morty.

473. - What? - Pants!

474. But listen — I forgive you both because you know what?

475. I learned, today, something important —

476. The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

477. Oh, I also learned this...

478. Operation Phoenix is not the fallback I thought it would be.

479. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

480. Oh, my god!

481. Oh, my god!

482. - Oh, my god. - Put some pants on!

483. Put pants on.

484. Grandpa's back, baby!

485. Grandpa's —

486. Oh, man, I gotta pick up your parents.

487. They have been blowin' me up.

488. One last swing for the road!

489. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

490. For the love of god, get dressed!

491. So, what do you think? You wanna...

492. keep this marriage going a while longer?

493. At least until Morty has graduated high school.

494. Oh. Mm.

495. Aha, you see? What did I tell you two?

496. It worked.

497. You know what, Rick? I guess, in a way —

498. Already lost interest. Get in the car.

499. I've been inside a kid all day and, now,

500. I can feel my bones scraping each other.

501. Uh, just so you're prepared,

502. there's a bunch of dead mes in the garage.

503. Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme.

504. Not really, Jerry.

505. Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic.

506. Oh.

507. Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!

508. - Master. - Speak.

509. Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans.

510. He has been destroyed. - No bother.

511. The mortals shall soon —

512. I'm sorry, what did you say his name was?

513. - Coach Feratu. - Coach Feratu.

514. That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

515. No no no no. His vampire name was Balik Alistane.

516. Why the fuck would he name himself

517. after a famous vampire movie? Was he doing a bit?

518. I do not know, your unholiness.

519. Jesus fucking Christ.

520. From now on, no more of this clever-name bullshit.

521. When a vampire is pretending to be a human,

522. they can just call themselves

523. Alan Jefferson or something like that.

524. It's crazy, right?

525. I mean, am I being an asshole?

526. Okay, I feel like everybody in the room

527. is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill.

528. I'm not?

529. Good. Okay. Great.

530. Did you get any of that?

531. It's-a good-a show!