Rick and Morty 2x3

1. Yeah, Morty.

2. - It's my favorite song. - Oh, yeah.

3. Oh, yeah, distress beacon!

4. Yeah, baby!

5. You're excited about that?

6. The first rule of space travel, kids,

7. is always check out distress beacons.

8. 9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens

9. and a bunch of free shit!

10. - Whoa! - 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap,

11. but I'm ready to roll those dice.

12. Seems like something terrible happened here.

13. Yep. Cha-ching.

14. Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs,

15. don't shy away from it.

16. Give one of them a shake.

17. Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

18. - Uh, what's that?

19. This'll make the cops write it up

20. as a looting by the Korblocks.

21. That's horrible.

22. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

23. Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god.

24. Can you help us?

25. Our planet was taken over by some kind of... entity.

26. It absorbed the minds of our people.

27. We didn't notice until it was too late.

28. The people it takes over,

29. they — they look like your friends,

30. your family, your leaders,

31. but they're not themselves anymore.

32. They're part of... it.

33. Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you?

34. Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

35. Hey, no! No, wait! Stop!

36. Called it.

37. Hello, Rick.

38. Long time no see.

39. Unity?

40. - Rick? - Grandpa?

41. Oh, boy. Uh...

42. these are my grandkids, Summer and Morty.

43. Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.

44. We sort of used to, uh... date.

45. Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

46. You're a whole planet now, huh?

47. After we broke up,

48. I spent some time wandering through space.

49. - Then I found this world... - ... where I was better able

50. to focus on my passion for unification.

51. You mean stealing people's bodies?

52. Summer, rude.

53. Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity

54. while Unity and I do some catching up.

55. Ugh. No, wait, Rick,

56. aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us?

57. You're guests here on my planet.

58. You're free to be yourselves.

59. I've never been any good at disappointing Rick.

60. Well, now I'm going to barf.

61. Come on, Morty.

62. Jerry, what are you — what are you doing in here?

63. I'm trying to find our weed whacker,

64. 'cause our weeds are wack, yo.

65. But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here.

66. I "can't"?

67. - Well, he doesn't like it. - What's he gonna do?

68. Crash rent-free at his other family's house?

69. What is that supposed to mean?

70. Your dad gets to walk all over us

71. because of your abandonment issues.

72. He's playing you, shorty.

73. Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.

74. Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois

75. just because your relationship with your father

76. is to' up from the flo' up.

77. What the hell was that?

78. I don't know. Let's just leave.

79. That is a hatch.

80. Your father put a hatch in my garage.

81. You don't know it was him.

82. Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here.

83. Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

84. "World peace achieved." Nice.

85. Little weird to publish a paper about it

86. for yourself, but hey.

87. So, what's next?

88. After I become a type-one civilization,

89. this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

90. Oh, goody.

91. From there, I'll have access to

92. countless planets and species.

93. One by one, I will unify them,

94. I will become the universe,

95. and I will be what the single-minded

96. once called a god.

97. I like that.

98. Oh, that's pretty sexy.

99. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

100. Recreational substances were phased out here.

101. There's no need for escape from the self

102. when your world is one.

103. Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?

104. I watched you assimilate a whole police station

105. just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

106. Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind

107. with the population of a small town.

108. People change...

109. Especially when I change them.

110. I'm sorry to disappoint you,

111. but I've grown.

112. Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

113. I have!

114. See, I've — I've reconnected with my family, right?

115. Hm. Why's that, I wonder?

116. Maybe it's part of getting old.

117. Maybe I just missed being with a collective.

118. Yes, Rick. Yes.

119. - Oh, yeah. - Yes. Yes.

120. Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it.

121. Not like this.

122. We need a hang glider

123. and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume,

124. and I want the entire field of your largest stadium

125. covered end to end with naked redheads,

126. and I want the stands packed

127. with every man that remotely resembles my father.

128. Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

129. What's your problem?

130. They're making you into a Mount Rushmore.

131. They made burgers!

132. Morty, open your eyes.

133. There is no "They."

134. These poor people's bodies are being used.

135. They're a planet of puppets.

136. - I can hear you. - Ugh.

137. Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it.

138. Except for all those redheads.

139. They seem like they're in a hurry

140. to be somewhere else.

141. Balloon, Summer? Balloon, Morty?

142. No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?

143. We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

144. Now's not a good time.

145. Oh, yeah!

146. I want yooooooou!

147. Go, son, go!

148. Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

149. Oh, real nice. Real nice.

150. How does a man do this without me noticing?

151. Oh, you know my dad

152. once he puts his mind to something.

153. You're spinning this to his credit?

154. I'm going down there.

155. - Jerry — - Beth, this is my house,

156. which makes this my garage, my secret hatch,

157. my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler.

158. Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa

159. or are you gonna jack my steez?

160. Okay, you're just making stuff up now.

161. Ugh. Oh, my god.

162. Oh, my god.

163. Ugh!

164. Oh, Rick. That was so bad.

165. What's this "was" stuff?

166. I just need to hydrate,

167. Then we're doing that again.

168. - Oh, damn. - Listen, if this is an invasion,

169. I got to sit this one out,

170. but I'll be back to have sex with the survivors.

171. It's a neighboring hive-mind species,

172. Beta Seven.

173. Our planets maintain a practical alliance

174. for exchange of vital resources,

175. so be nice.

176. Unity,

177. is it a bad time?

178. Are all present life forms assimilated?

179. Beta Seven, this is my single-minded friend

180. from Earth, Rick.

181. Rick Sanchez.

182. Unity has spoken of you.

183. All bad, I hope. Ha ha!

184. Bleeeeeeeeeh!

185. Oh, Jesus Christ.

186. Beta Seven, if my allies are a problem for you,

187. perhaps our alliance is, as well.

188. Our alliance is beneficial.

189. When Beta Seven expresses concern,

190. it — it's only be-because —

191. Oh, snap! Powdered neutronium?

192. Amphetetron?

193. You know I can make with this stuff?

194. Oh, Rick, I — I shouldn't.

195. Come on. It's not every day that I'm town.

196. It's — it's for old time's sake.

197. Uh... okay, what the hell.

198. We can purify the resin and make fractal dust.

199. Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but —

200. Aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

201. I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

202. You know, I think Beta Seven over there

203. is hoping your alliance can be more than practical.

204. Stop.

205. Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

206. Whoa!

207. Well, nice. Real nice.

208. Alien prisoners under the house.

209. Real nice.

210. Nice. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal —

211. God damn it, stop.

212. Wake up, people! You have to fight it!

213. You're under the spell of an evil monster!

214. - I can hear you. - Yeah, so you keep saying.

215. - Summer! - Wake up!

216. You have to have some individuality left in there!

217. Why do you hate me, Summer?

218. I'm not talking to you.

219. I'm talking to... Steven Phillips.

220. Steven, set yourself free.

221. Summer, before I took over this planet,

222. this man was a registered sex offender.

223. Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

224. This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide.

225. Now she's a marine biologist.

226. Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say

227. that life would be perfect without you.

228. I think she's just saying that life would be,

229. you know, life.

230. I have transformed life here into a paradise.

231. Prostitutes are now scientists.

232. The homeless are now "Phisosophers."

233. Oh. Oh. "Ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

234. - Philopol... Phiphophopher... - Oh, my god.

235. Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?

236. I'm feeling...

237. Ugh.

238. Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up.

239. I'm fine.

240. Do you know what I love about you, Rick?

241. You're the only single mind I've met

242. that really sees the big picture.

243. You got that right.

244. But, baby, listen —

245. Y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies.

246. You got to — got to just remember

247. to let go sometimes, you know?

248. I can let go. Hey, look.

249. You see that town across the river?

250. Watch this.

251. - Whoa! - Ha ha! Whoo!

252. Whoa! That's not what I meant!

253. It's okay. It's okay.

254. I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.

255. Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

256. Oh, that was awesome.

257. My — my grandkids weren't in that town, right?

258. A-are my grandkids alive?

259. M-my drink is empty.

260. - Unity, what's happening? - Who's Unity?

261. You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

262. - Gross. No.

263. I think you're getting what you wanted, Summer.

264. Something's happening to Unity.

265. Do all of you remember who you are?

266. Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson.

267. I'm an electrical engineer, father of two,

268. and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings,

269. I'm a member of this planet's top race!

270. Okay, that's good.

271. Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but —

272. I'm Daryl Jefferson. I'm a landscaper.

273. And I'll be damned if

274. that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior!

275. The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

276. You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

277. What'd you say to me,

278. you target-chest piece of shit.

279. Race war!

280. Ugh!

281. Why are you fighting?

282. Can't you see you're all the same?

283. Oh, Summer.

284. First race war, huh?

285. Way to go, Summer. You started a race war.

286. I didn't start it! They're the racists.

287. I — I merely empowered them

288. to follow their apparently misguided dreams.

289. Okay, thanks for clarifying.

290. I'll have a super-accurate headstone now.

291. Hey, wait — what race are you guys?

292. We're neither. S-see?

293. Yeah, take my word for it.

294. We just have regular nipples.

295. Hey, these two freaks have no race!

296. Oh, there's no place like home.

297. There's no place like home. Remember, Summer?

298. From Dorothy and the tiny people movie?

299. Yes, yes.

300. - All the tiny people. - Dorothy, take us away.

301. Hello, Summer. Hello, Morty.

302. - It's okay. You're safe now. - Unity?

303. - Yes. - Oh, Unity, I am so sorry.

304. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks.

305. I was thinking more of

306. a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

307. Oh, Summer, you did nothing wrong.

308. I'm having fun with your grandpa.

309. Lost a little control.

310. Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter,

311. nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals

312. and 12 million deep fryers,

313. but hey, it's not like this planet

314. can take its business elsewhere.

315. Um, should we maybe stop somewhere

316. and get you a coffee?

317. Maybe splash a little water on your face, or...

318. No, no, if I wanted to be sober,

319. I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

320. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

321. Oh, man. I cannot wait —

322. I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.

323. He is gone.

324. Jerry, stop, please, okay?

325. We weren't even supposed to be down here.

326. If we confront him about this —

327. Oh, my god! I love this.

328. I love that this is how far you will go for him.

329. You want to go upstairs and cut carrots

330. and watch a Lifetime original

331. above a fucking alien dungeon!

332. Your relationship with your father is psychotic.

333. Oh, listen to you relish the idea

334. that my genius father is a bad person.

335. Step out of your ego for a second

336. and look at this thing — it's a monster.

337. He might have it chained up

338. so that it doesn't eat the planet!

339. Right, because your father's such an altruist?

340. I once saw him briefly forget the word for "Humans."

341. He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

342. He's probably racing to cure its space AIDS.

343. - He's going to eat it! - He's protecting it!

344. Shut up!

345. Whoa!

346. Unity, this place is a mess.

347. Oh, it's cool.

348. The part of me that's the cleaning lady

349. is coming on Friday.

350. Oh, my god. I have a meeting

351. at the Galactic Federation in an hour.

352. Oh, I'll never make it.

353. Ah, I'll push it to next week.

354. Unity, could you get Rick out here, please?

355. He's unavailable. He's...

356. having sex with you. We get it. Gross.

357. Get him out here now.

358. I don't think he wants to be —

359. - Grandpa Rick! - Rick! Rick!

360. I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo

361. you have locked up under the garage!

362. What the hell is your problem?

363. Grandpa, we need to go home, now.

364. Fine. Sheesh.

365. See you.

366. Uh, Rick, I think we should all go.

367. Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here.

368. Whoo!

369. Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you.

370. Oh, my god, you guys. I get it.

371. You're afraid the big, bad hive mind

372. is gonna steal your grandpa away.

373. Actually, no. I think Unity's great

374. and you're a horrible influence on it.

375. - What? - This isn't healthy, Rick.

376. You know, you're — you're really up to no good

377. around here a-at this place, you know?

378. You and Unity are like —

379. like leggings and mid-calf boots.

380. You think you're great together,

381. but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

382. Oh, gee. Boy, Summer. Well put.

383. Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks?

384. Unity?

385. I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

386. You know? I need to relax.

387. Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

388. L-l-let me turn it up.

389. In the news today,

390. this looks a lot worse than it is.

391. We're really just having a good time.

392. Karen? Thanks, Todd.

393. Up next, are you a concerned grandchild

394. or just a buzzkill?

395. We'll tell you how you can know for sure.

396. I think you two are a little outnumbered.

397. Okay, well, what if you did it for me?

398. What if you came with us as a favor to us

399. because you love us?

400. What? Dumb. Bye.

401. But Rick, Summer's just —

402. Summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little —

403. what's the word I'm looking for here?

404. Uh... human.

405. It runs in the family.

406. I can tolerate it,

407. but I can't give a crap about it.

408. Take a hike.

409. Take care of yourself, Unity.

410. I'm not looking for judgment, just a yes or no —

411. can you assimilate a giraffe?

412. You're the worst!

413. No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

414. All you care about is yourself!

415. You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally...

416. you've got two children being dragged across the cosmos

417. because it's never enough, Jerry!

418. by your dangerously ill father!

419. And you force me to watch it happen...

420. because you'd rather lose them and lose me...

421. it's like to be afraid of losing anything ...

422. - than lose him! - Because you cling...

423. And why? Because you're the child, Beth!

424. You, not me! You!

425. - Aah! - Aah!

426. - Oh, my god. - Aah!

427. Um, first of all, hello.

428. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok.

429. Second of all, cards on the table,

430. I'm a murderer that eats babies,

431. and I came to this planet to eat babies.

432. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease

433. that I suppose you could call "Space AIDS" as you put it.

434. And Rick did chain me up

435. so that he could attempt to cure it.

436. At the same time,

437. Rick's motivation to cure my disease

438. was not to save my life or anyone else's,

439. but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

440. But you know the reason why

441. I ripped my chains out of the wall?

442. And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?

443. Because the two of you are the fucking worst!

444. You both hate yourselves and each other.

445. And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick

446. is laughable.

447. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

448. That's how alien I am.

449. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you

450. and being like, "What the fuck"!

451. So good luck with your shitty marriage,

452. and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you.

453. Blim Blam out.

454. You know what? I'm taking this.

455. How do you — what is this?

456. Uh, is there a slow setting?

457. Best door ever.

458. Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying.

459. Now make them all make fun of the blonde one.

460. Now make them all do it on the table.

461. I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

462. Now cancel it.

463. Okay, now put it back on.

464. All right, I'm bored.

465. Rick, is there a way for you

466. to call Summer and Morty?

467. - I feel bad that they — - Pbht. Screw those guys.

468. Ugh. I'll be right back.

469. Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity.

470. They're no different from any of the aimless

471. chumps that you occupy.

472. They just put you at the center of their lives

473. because you're powerful.

474. And then because they put you there,

475. they want you to be less powerful.

476. Never gonna happen though, right?

477. Never.

478. Never. Back in a flash.

479. Best weekend ever, Rick.

480. I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go.

481. Hey, Une. You got any more —

482. Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

483. I'm not strong enough to do it in persons.

484. I realize now that I'm attracted to you

485. for the same reason I can't be with you.

486. You can't change.

487. And I have no problem with that,

488. but it clearly means I have a problem with myself.

489. I'm sure there's no perfect version of me.

490. I'm sure I'll just unify species after species

491. and never really be complete.

492. But I know how it goes with us.

493. I lose who I am and become part of you.

494. Because in a strange way,

495. you're better at what I do without even trying.

496. Yours, and nobody else's, Unity.

497. P.S., I don't know where those coal miners were

498. before they were assimilated.

499. You might want to get checked.

500. Hey.

501. Dad.

502. I, um — Jerry and I

503. were looking for our weed whacker

504. and found your subterranean lair

505. and your alien prisoner,

506. and he got away.

507. And I know I sound like mom,

508. but I can't sacrifice this whole family's safety

509. just because I'm afraid you'll leave again,

510. so no more alien prisoners

511. and no more subterranean excavation

512. without consulting us.

513. - Okay. - Okay?

514. "Okay" — like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere

515. and never come back? - No. It's your house.

516. Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity?

517. Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well...

518. I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity

519. that thrives on enslavement, you know?

520. It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?

521. I'll be in the garage.

522. Unity! Unity!

523. Unity!

524. How can I assist you?

525. I want to talk to Unity, Beta Seven.

526. I know it's in there.

527. You're classified as a hostile entity,

528. and Unity doesn't want to talk to you.

529. I know your game, Beta Seven.

530. I've met a billion of you,

531. you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

532. You are classified as a hostile entity.

533. Oh, you're just loving this, mother—

534. this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

535. Unity's not into other hive minds.

536. It's gonna suck you in and use you up,

537. and a month from now,

538. I'm gonna be making out with all of you

539. in a bunch of red wigs!

540. Unity! Unity!

541. Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.

542. Weapons systems engaged.

543. Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

544. Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.

545. We are, Morty.

546. All right, Beta shit Seven,

547. you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

548. Did you get any of that?

549. It's-a good show-a.