1. The trick to cereal is
keeping 70% above the milk.
Copy !req
2. Jerry, get a job.
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3. Uh, w-why
don't you get it, Jerry?
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4. You're the man of the house,
and you don't have a job.
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5. Delivery for Rick.
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6. Morning, Summer, Beth,
and Jerry.
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7. - Gross. What is that thing?
- It's a courier flap.
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8. It's like the intergalactic
version of UPS,
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9. but less off-putting.
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10. Oh, shiiit!
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11. It looks like an egg-vite
from Birdperson.
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12. Must be time
for his annual Oscar party.
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13. And, by the way,
our TV signals take light years
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14. to reach his planet.
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15. Nobody tell him
that "Braveheart" wins.
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16. Greetings.
This is Birdperson.
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17. And Tammy!
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18. Inviting you
to planet Squanch for
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19. our mate-melding ceremony —
- Blugh!
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20. If you're from Earth,
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21. that means
we're getting married!
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22. Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's
marrying Birdperson!
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23. What the hell
is a Birdperson?
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24. He's Rick's best
friend.
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25. Uh, l-let's not
get carried away, Morty.
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26. Would you like to RSVP
or send a gift?
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27. No. Weddings are basically
funerals with cake.
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28. If I wanted to watch someone
throw their life away,
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29. I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
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30. Affirmative!
Returning to sender.
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31. No, hold on, stay,
courier flaps.
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32. - Staying!
- Dad, you have a friend...
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33. that's getting married.
That's a big deal.
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34. It's a big deal
he has a friend.
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35. What do you know
about friendship, Jerry?
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36. Confirmed,
shipping Jerry.
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37. - Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!
- Oh, god! Jerry!
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38. - Dad!
- Dad!
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39. Where is it
taking him?
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40. I assume
planet Squanch —
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41. 6,000 light years
across the galaxy.
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42. Whoa, t-that's —
That's insane!
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43. Yeah, I know. Now we have
to go to the wedding.
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44. Rick Sanchez!
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45. You psycho bag
of squanch!
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46. Hey, what's up,
Squanchy?
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47. - Hey, Squanchy.
- Morty, Summer!
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48. And you must be Beth.
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49. Mwah!
Ensquanche!
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50. Your language has the word
"squanch" in it a lot.
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51. Doesn't that become
tedious and worn out,
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52. like the Smurf thing?
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53. Beth, Squanchy culture
is more contextual than literal.
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54. Just say what's in your
squanch and people understand.
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55. Oh. Okay.
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56. I squanch my family.
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57. - Uh...
- What? I do.
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58. I squanch my family.
- Stop saying it. Gross.
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59. Come on in, guys.
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60. The guest are having
cocksquanches.
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61. Where am I?
- You're at a wedding.
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62. Go change.
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63. Oh, you made it!
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64. I wouldn't miss it
for the world!
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65. Oh, my god.
I love your ring.
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66. Thanks. It was
Birdperson's grandmother's.
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67. She fought
a squirrel for it.
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68. Birdperson.
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69. Rick, I am pleased
you and your family
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70. could witness my melding
with Tammy.
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71. Our pleasure.
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72. Yeah, I just hope
you got a pre-meld.
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73. - Rick!
- What? It's just a practical
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74. way of making sure that
when she's done with you,
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75. you can get
one of your balls back.
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76. - Jesus, Dad.
- He's grumpy from the flight.
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77. Ohh, I-I was happy
on the flight.
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78. I'm grumpy
from the landing.
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79. Well, I looked
at the guest book.
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80. We don't know
a damn person here.
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81. Hi! Jerry Smith —
Father of the bride's friend.
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82. Advertising is my usual game,
but I'm between —
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83. Jerry, stop networking.
We're in space.
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84. "Jerry, get a job!
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85. Jerry, don't look for a job
at an alien wedding!"
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86. I don't get you.
- This is the closest...
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87. I've ever gotten to this part
of my father's life.
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88. I don't want
to blow it.
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89. Okay, I get it.
I'm cramping your style.
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90. You say you get it, but
I'm scared you'll keep doing it.
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91. Look, here's some humans
you can practice on.
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92. You must be
Summer's mom and dad.
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93. We're Tammy's parents —
Pat and Donna Guterman.
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94. Hi. Beth.
This is Jerry.
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95. So your teenage daughter's
marrying a Birdman.
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96. Are you guys
down with that?
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97. No pun intended.
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98. We're quite proud.
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99. He's a wonderful person
and an incredible Bird.
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100. Still, what is he, 40?
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101. It's just, you know,
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102. when he was 30,
she was an actual child.
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103. When he was her age,
she wasn't born.
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104. When he was,
let's see, like, 18,
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105. she was literally
in there in your womb.
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106. Imagine being pregnant
with your daughter
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107. and a Bird teenager
comes into your home and says,
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108. "I'll take that.
I'll have sex with that."
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109. Give us one second.
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110. Were you born with your feet
in your mouth?
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111. I was transported here
against my will in a meatball, all right.
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112. So take your attitude
to the men's section of KMart,
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113. 'cause you need to cut me
some slack... s.
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114. I want you to stand
in the corner
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115. and face the corner
and talk to nobody.
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116. Maybe... I... will.
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117. You know, you're not being
very supportive
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118. of Birdperson
on his big day.
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119. Birdperson's big day,
Morty,
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120. was at Blood Ridge
on Glapflap's third moon
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121. against
the Gromflamites!
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122. This?
This is a losing battle.
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123. Geez, Rick,
it's not like he's dying.
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124. He's getting married!
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125. I mean, what do you think's
gonna happen
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126. if you open yourself up
a little bit?
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127. I mean, look around.
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128. This is your family and friends
all around you, you know?
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129. Take the day off.
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130. There's nothing to run from,
nothing to fight.
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131. That's his last name.
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132. Are you
hyphenating it?
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133. Squanch this, mo-Fo.
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134. Good one, Morty.
Excuse me, bartender.
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135. Can you make me
a dumb grandson pep talk?
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136. It's one part lame advice about
stuff you know nothing about
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137. and a lot of vodka.
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138. Mm-Hmm.
I have a lot of vodka.
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139. Then I'll take
one of those.
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140. I don't need the rest.
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141. God, whatever, Rick.
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142. It sounds like you and my dad
have a long history together.
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143. Wish I could say
the same.
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144. The road your father and I
walked together
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145. is soaked deeply with the blood
of both friends and enemies.
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146. Must be nice.
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147. Um, I used to
have to draw him
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148. into family photos
with a crayon.
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149. The war in which we fought
is far from over.
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150. We live our lives
in hiding.
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151. I guess I should
be happy for you.
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152. I mean, great,
you guys got to hang out.
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153. I hope you had
a blast.
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154. The galactic government
considers us terrorists.
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155. It's unwise of me
to share these details,
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156. but I've
become inebriated.
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157. I don't know
if you can appreciate
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158. what it means to grow up
without a father, but —
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159. The guest list
at this wedding
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160. includes 17 of the Federation's
most wanted.
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161. We have committed
numerous atrocities
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162. in the name of freedom.
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163. Annnd during that time,
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164. I don't suppose he
ever mentioned his daughter.
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165. Are those baby quiches?
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166. Night crawler pate.
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167. I should prepare
for the ceremony.
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168. Like talking
to a brick wall.
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169. In the name of the squanch,
the six rivers,
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170. the four squanches,
and the nine balls,
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171. I unite these two organisms
in eternal squanch!
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172. Tammy, you may
squanch your vows now.
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173. Birdperson...
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174. You are my seed,
my worm, my earliness,
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175. and my lack of cats.
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176. I promise to be yours
until your death.
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177. - Nice!
- Aww!
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178. Birdperson.
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179. Tammy, I was approaching
infertility when I met you,
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180. but there is still time.
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181. I am yours
until my death.
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182. Aww!
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183. Aww.
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184. I now pronounce you
Squanch and Birdperson!
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185. I am not staring at you.
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186. I am a cyborg photographer.
Just act natural.
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187. This is a candid shot.
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188. I don't require
a camera so —
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189. Sorry.
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190. Hi.
I am not staring at you...
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191. Uh, hi, everybody.
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192. I'm Rick.
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193. You know, when I first
met Birdperson, he was, uhh...
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194. Listen, I'm not the nicest guy
in the universe
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195. because I'm the smartest.
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196. And being nice is something
stupid people do
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197. to hedge their bets.
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198. Now, I haven't been
exactly subtle
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199. about how little
I trust marriage.
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200. I couldn't make it work,
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201. and I could turn a black hole
into a sun,
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202. so at a certain point,
you got to ask yourself
Copy !req
203. what are the odds
this is legit
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204. and not just some big lie
we're all telling ourselves
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205. because we're afraid
to die alone?
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206. Because, you know, that's
exactly how we all die — alone.
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207. - Oh, boy.
- Oh, Dad.
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208. Jesus.
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209. But — But...
here's the thing.
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210. Birdperson is my best friend,
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211. and if he loves Tammy, well,
then I love Tammy, too.
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212. To friendship, to love, and
to my greatest adventure yet —
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213. Opening myself up
to others.
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214. Hear, hear!
Cheers!
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215. Cheers to that,
motherfucker!
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216. Thank you, Rick.
That was beautiful.
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217. Gosh, I look around this room,
and I think,
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218. "Uh, Tammy,
you're a high-School senior
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219. from the planet Earth,
and you're marrying
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220. a 40-year-old Birdperson?
Like, what?"
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221. Yeah, Tammy!
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222. But then I think, you know,
in a lot of ways,
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223. I'm not a high-School senior
from the planet Earth.
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224. In a lot of ways,
what I really am
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225. is a deep-cover agent
for the Galactic Federation,
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226. and you guys are
a group of wanted criminals,
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227. and this entire building is,
in a certain sense, surrounded.
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228. Oh, shit.
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229. - I... don't get the metaphor.
- I'll explain it to you later.
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230. Everyone here is
under arrest
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231. for crimes
against the Federation.
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232. L'chaim!
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233. - Tammy, what are you doing?
- Sit your Bird ass down.
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234. Tammy?
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235. Birdperson!
No!
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236. Holy —
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237. Drop the portal gun.
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238. Slide it to
the center of the room.
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239. Somebody confiscate that
and don't damage it.
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240. They'll want it at —
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241. There's no time
to squanch!
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242. Get your family
out of here!
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243. I got this.
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244. How about a taste
of my squanch?
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245. Come on, this way!
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246. Squanch this!
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247. Good thing I grabbed
a space weapon.
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248. That's a confetti gun,
you fucking idiot!
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249. - Dad!
- Hold on tight!
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250. Aaah!
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251. Aaaah!
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252. Goddamn it!
Goddamn it!
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253. What the hell happened
back there?
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254. This is on you guys.
I told you weddings are stupid.
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255. Uh, Rick, is there anything
you'd like to tell us
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256. about your relationship
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257. with this previously unknown
galactic government?
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258. All the important points
seem pretty clear, no?
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259. They think they control
the galaxy, I disagree.
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260. Don't hate the player,
hate the game, son.
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261. How could you be so dishonest
with this family?
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262. Oh! Oh, should I have been
more open and trusting
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263. and loving like,
oh, I don't know,
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264. my now dead best friend?
Or your daughter,
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265. who is BFFs
with an intergalactic narc?
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266. Hey, Tammy was cool!
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267. - And now we know why.
- Because of you!
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268. Fuck you, Summer,
and fuck the government,
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269. and fuck me
for letting my guard down,
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270. which I will never
do again.
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271. Geez, Rick!
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272. You can't say f—
"'F' you" to your granddaughter.
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273. I just did, Morty.
Here's dessert. Fuck you.
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274. Look, I think we've all had
a tough wedding.
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275. Actually,
the wedding was beautiful.
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276. The reception got
out of hand.
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277. Anyway, I say we go home,
sleep it off,
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278. and have a family meeting
in the morning.
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279. Yeah, about going home,
we can't — ever.
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280. What?
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281. Oh, these guys are
looking for us now.
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282. Earth will be swarming
with them.
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283. Us?
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284. - Jerry —
- I want to go home!
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285. Look, anyone that wants
to go back to Earth is free to.
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286. But here's
what's gonna happen.
Copy !req
287. Alien bureaucrats are gonna
arrest you.
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288. They're gonna put
the intergalactic equivalent
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289. of jumper cables
under your nuts and or labia
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290. and hook them up
to an alien car battery
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291. until you tell them
where I am —
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292. Which I guarantee you,
you're not gonna know,
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293. which I guarantee
they won't believe.
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294. So who's homesick?
By applause.
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295. Ladies? Anybody?
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296. What are we going to do?
Where are we going to live?
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297. Take it easy.
This is a blessing in disguise.
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298. Fuck Earth.
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299. You realize our planet's name
means dirt, right?
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300. We'll find a new world.
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301. Computer, how many planets
in the Milky Way
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302. are at least 90% similar
to Earth?
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303. 765 known planets.
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304. How many of those are outside
federal jurisdiction?
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305. Three.
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306. See?
Our cup runneth over.
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307. Now, who wants
to go shopping
Copy !req
308. for a brand-new
motherfucking world?
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309. All right!
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310. Look at this baby!
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311. Would you even know
that wasn't Earth?
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312. Yes, because
there's no Africa.
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313. Pssh. White people
problems, Morty.
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314. Let's go down
and check her out.
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315. Oh. I thought
it was further away.
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316. I uh... I guess this one's
a little small.
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317. All right, uh, maybe —
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318. Maybe we should go check out
the other two, huh?
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319. Okay,
this one's bigger.
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320. This looks nice.
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321. Mom, Dad, look!
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322. Strawberries on a cob!
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323. Whoa!
Hey, check this out!
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324. Flowers on a cob!
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325. Huh. Strawberries and flowers
on a cob, huh?
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326. That's pretty cool.
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327. Are those...
mountains on a cob?
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328. Oh, my god.
Copy !req
329. Get in the ship, sweetie.
- What?
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330. Get in
the goddamn ship!
Copy !req
331. Everything's on a cob!
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332. The whole planet's on a cob!
Go, go, go!
Copy !req
333. All right,
third time's the charm.
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334. See what we got here.
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335. Seems good.
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336. And nothing
on the cob.
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337. Didn't know that was
a necessity, but...
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338. No, it's nice.
I think this might be it.
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339. Wow!
Hey, look, you guys.
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340. The sun's rising.
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341. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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342. Uh, Dad, how long are the days
on this planet?
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343. Uh, computer, how long
are the days on this planet?
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344. 42 hours.
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345. All right, well,
those are the two choices,
Copy !req
346. 'cause cob planet is
off the table.
Copy !req
347. Now let's take a vote.
Copy !req
348. Well, it's official.
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349. The obscure planet
known as Earth,
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350. formerly the hiding place
of interstellar terrorist
Copy !req
351. and fugitive Rick Sanchez,
Copy !req
352. has just become
the 6,048th planet
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353. to join
the Galactic Federation.
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354. The plucky little ball
of water and dirt,
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355. which is where
it gets its name,
Copy !req
356. is dominated by seven billion
primate-descended natives
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357. who love to eat spaghetti
and pray to kangaroos.
Copy !req
358. Spaghetti, kangaroos?
I've gotta check this place out.
Copy !req
359. Well, you can.
Copy !req
360. Contact the Ministry of Tourism
for details.
Copy !req
361. Up next,
teenagers are calling it
Copy !req
362. And it's not
what you think.
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363. What are you —
What did you do that for?
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364. Dramatic effect.
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365. Good morning, family.
Oh, do I smell bacon?
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366. Yes, we discovered
a species of tiny pig
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367. off the coast
of New Australia
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368. about 30 yards east.
- Or 300 yards west.
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369. We'd offer you some,
Copy !req
370. but we hunted it to extinction
for breakfast.
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371. Well, I thought
I'd walk to the South Pole
Copy !req
372. and do a little bit
of exploring.
Copy !req
373. If you guys need me,
just yell
Copy !req
374. or throw something
so hard
Copy !req
375. that it goes around the world
and hits me.
Copy !req
376. Okay, now that he's gone,
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377. can we please talk about
our situation?
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378. Dad, you can't talk about people
behind their back.
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379. You know,
it's a small world.
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380. Please,
he's in the South Pole!
Copy !req
381. And we need to have
a serious conversation.
Copy !req
382. South Pole discovered,
baby!
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383. Ohhhh!
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384. Oh fuck! An ice cave?
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385. Shit!
Copy !req
386. Things just keep on
getting better.
Copy !req
387. Wow, it's
the planet's core.
Copy !req
388. I'm just saying,
Copy !req
389. we keep acting
like there's only two options,
Copy !req
390. but there's not.
Copy !req
391. So, yes, if we went
back to Earth,
Copy !req
392. as long as Rick was out there,
they'd wanna interrogate us.
Copy !req
393. But, and this is
purely hypothetical,
Copy !req
394. what if we turned your father in
to the government?
Copy !req
395. Jerry, so help me god,
Copy !req
396. if you ever bring this up again,
no more bacon.
Copy !req
397. There already
is no more bacon!
Copy !req
398. This world sucks!
Our life sucks!
Copy !req
399. Why are we doing this
for someone
Copy !req
400. that would never do anything
for anyone but himself?
Copy !req
401. That's not the point, Dad!
Copy !req
402. We love Rick...
f-for the most part.
Copy !req
403. Yeah, you don't love
people in hopes of a reward,
Copy !req
404. Dad, you love them
unconditionally.
Copy !req
405. That's very good, kids.
I'm proud of you.
Copy !req
406. Okay, so let me
get this straight.
Copy !req
407. For the rest
of your lives,
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408. no matter
how much it hurts you,
Copy !req
409. no matter how much it
destroys our children's futures,
Copy !req
410. we're gonna do whatever
Rick wants, whenever he wants?
Copy !req
411. - Yes.
- Why?
Copy !req
412. Because I don't want him to
leave again, you dumb asshole!
Copy !req
413. Hey. Uh...
Copy !req
414. I was gonna hope over
to the Gloppydrop system,
Copy !req
415. get some ice cream.
Copy !req
416. You — You want me
to come with?
Copy !req
417. Don't you need my brain waves
for camouflage or something?
Copy !req
418. I'll be okay.
Bye, Morty.
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419. Rick?
Copy !req
420. You're not leaving,
right?
Copy !req
421. Yeah, I am.
To get ice cream.
Copy !req
422. So, you're
coming back?
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423. Morty, if you go to where
there's a bunch of ice cream
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424. and then
you don't come back,
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425. you haven't
actually gotten ice cream,
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426. you've just gone
where ice cream is.
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427. Rick, I can handle it
if you go,
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428. but you'll
break Mom's heart.
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429. And I won't forgive you
for that.
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430. Where's the van,
Morty?
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431. It's over the horizon
in the driveway.
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432. For English, press 2.
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433. Connecting to agent.
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434. Ongoing investigations.
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435. Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,
I'm from planet Earth.
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436. I know the whereabouts
of Rick Sanchez,
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437. the wanted criminal.
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438. Hold on!
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439. This is
Special Agent Gribbles.
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440. You have a tip
about Rick Sanchez?
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441. Yeah, he kidnapped me
and my family,
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442. and he left us
on Dwarf Terrace-9.
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443. He said he was gonna
go to the Plimplom Tavern.
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444. And listen.
- Yes?
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445. I'm doing what's right
for the galaxy by calling you,
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446. so if we come back to Earth, can
my family have a normal life?
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447. We only want Sanchez, sir.
Your family will be fine.
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448. Nice. Thank you.
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449. I'm Jerry Smith,
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450. and I love sucking big,
sweaty boners
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451. and licking disgusting
furry testicle sacks.
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452. Uh... okay.
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453. - He's not coming back, is he?
- No.
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454. Hey, look, cops.
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455. How long will you be
visiting Earth?
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456. Oh, we live here.
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457. We were just off-planet
for a wedding.
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458. Go that way.
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459. I have processed
that you are in in distress
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460. and have proscribed
antidepressants.
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461. Compliments of
the Galactic Federation.
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462. I feel better.
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463. Your debt is
7,000 Fed credits.
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464. Report to
the Ministry of Employment
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465. and you will be assigned
a function.
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466. Honey! I got a job!
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467. Sorry, I am not staring at you,
I am taking your mug shot.
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468. Hey, what are you
in for?
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469. Everything.
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470. Hoo-Whee,
what a cliffhanger.
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471. Oh, boy, oh, my!
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472. That's a real crazy ending,
huh?
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473. Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole
from episode 204.
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474. As you can see,
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475. I'm still recovering
from the bullet shot
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476. that I got from Beth.
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477. Remember that one?
Ooh-Whee!
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478. Come and get it, kitty.
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479. You know, these little fellows
help me get through the day.
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480. Ooh-whee.
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481. Oh, whoo-whee!
Feels better.
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482. I got a large pepperoni
and some crazy sticks.
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483. Hey, what did you think
of that finale, huh?
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484. Mm! You think the Smith family
is gonna be okay?
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485. Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about, bro.
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486. Your total is $12.37.
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487. Whoo-Whee! You think
Rick's gonna get out off jail?
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488. Whoo-Whee, you think
the family's gonna rescue him?
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489. Hey, what the fuck?
Get the fuck off me!
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490. Ow!
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491. Tune in to "Rick and Morty"
season three in,
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492. like, a year and a half...
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493. or longer
to see how we unravel this mess.
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494. Ooh-Whee!
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495. Oh, my god!
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496. Did you get any of that?
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497. It's-a good-a show!
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