Resident Alien 3x2

1. Previously on "Resident Alien"...

2. There are Grey-human hybrids all over the Earth.

3. If anybody's up to something, I'll know it.

4. I'm going away, Max, but you're special.

5. You're the only one who can identify aliens.

6. I am the Alien Tracker.

7. I need to tell you something.

8. Joseph is a Grey alien.

9. I'm going to go on another date with Joseph.

10. I'll find out what you need to know, OK?

11. You and I are gonna save Earth together.

12. Don't wander too far, honey. It's dark.

13. I can't believe you're friends with an alien.

14. How many limbs does he have?

15. Six, with razor-sharp teeth and a black tongue.

16. Cool.

17. And he dips his pie in oatmeal.

18. He's a beast.

19. Get ready.

20. You're about to meet a real-life extraterrestrial.

21. What are you doing here? I don't want visitors.

22. - Um... - And you know that I hate

23. bike lines in my driveway dirt.

24. Aliens are always making jokes.

25. Come on.

26. I have a joke for you.

27. What has three heads

28. and has to get out of my house and it's you?

29. Us?

30. Oh, you've heard it.

31. Wait, where is grumpy headscarf?

32. - She moved away. - And left you here?

33. Oh, that's like cutting off the head of a chicken

34. and watching its dumb little body run into walls.

35. I don't need Sahar,

36. and I'm not by myself.

37. I started an alien club.

38. - Hmm. - This is Mari and Leo.

39. I have already forgotten your names.

40. - Mari. - Leo.

41. We came here so you could turn into an alien

42. and show them what you really look like.

43. This little shit monkey is bad enough.

44. I do not want two more idiots chasing me around.

45. I don't know what you're talking about.

46. I'm not an alien.

47. He's a liar.

48. You're the liar.

49. Max isn't even his real name.

50. It's Giuseppe.

51. It's OK. My real name is Bishop.

52. Bishop?

53. I see why you keep that to yourself.

54. You leave me no choice.

55. I have been looking for that taser everywhere!

56. I should have known this little pecker stole it.

57. Reveal your true self now, alien.

58. I want it back.

59. It heats my coffee in seconds.

60. But if I take it, they will think I care

61. and may believe I am an alien.

62. I will wait.

63. It is only a matter of time

64. before this idiot zaps himself.

65. I knew he wasn't an alien.

66. We should go.

67. My name is Max, and I'm the new Alien Tracker.

68. Humans spend their entire lives

69. believing they are special.

70. Even after they die, they do everything

71. in their power to remain special forever—

72. tombstones, plaques,

73. old libraries with their names on them.

74. Not long ago, the smartest minds on Earth

75. believed the sun revolved around them.

76. The truth is, most humans are not special at all.

77. Ah.

78. Hello, asshole. You are not special either.

79. I have Asta on my side, and together we will find out

80. why you are here.

81. Littering is a $50 fine.

82. I know that.

83. I'm... putting it in my truck.

84. Oh!

85. It's not littering if it's liquid.

86. Now I need to get another coffee.

87. Joseph is a Grey alien.

88. You can't go on another date with him.

89. It's not a date.

90. I just have to sit across from the guy at dinner

91. and keep him interested in staying.

92. That sounds like every date I've ever been on.

93. Just long enough for Harry to search his apartment.

94. But do you really trust Harry's plan?

95. What was his last plan again, to destroy the Earth?

96. How'd that work out?

97. Uh, everything's still here.

98. D'arcy, I promise, you don't have to worry about me, OK?

99. I'll be fine.

100. OK, great, yeah.

101. I—I know you'll be fine because I'm coming with.

102. I'm gonna be at the counter as backup.

103. No. No way.

104. Joseph will recognize you, OK?

105. And then he'll be suspicious.

106. Look, I didn't even tell my dad.

107. What if it gets dangerous?

108. Do you remember when you beat Laura Roberts at double Dutch

109. and she shoved your head into the sand like an ostrich?

110. Not really.

111. Maybe.

112. That was third grade, though, OK?

113. I can take care of myself.

114. Asta, do you prefer

115. a confetti cake or a red velvet cake?

116. I think pie, because if you are unable to finish it,

117. I'll eat it.

118. I'm gonna regret asking, but why?

119. Oh, there is a beautiful ritual on my planet

120. that whenever we send off a volunteer

121. on a suicide mission,

122. we prepare for them a last meal.

123. You're not going.

124. Bye, Harry.

125. I'll put pie.

126. I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be so good.

127. No, you—

128. You know, you can trust me. I love you.

129. Houses in this neighborhood are very desirable.

130. - Really? - Mm-hmm.

131. - Oh, that's great. - Oh, yeah.

132. I know my stuff.

133. Hey. What's going on?

134. Well, I ran into Judy, and I mentioned

135. that we were putting the house on the market.

136. And it turns out that she's a realtor.

137. Well, not— not fully, not yet.

138. I just— I keep failing the test.

139. But until I pass, my Aunt Barbara lets me

140. work with the clients that she doesn't care about.

141. - Oh. - Wow.

142. So you're—you're really serious about this?

143. Yes, I told you.

144. And Judy's got some really good ideas.

145. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

146. A-right, this way, folks.

147. How do you guys feel about animal print?

148. Zebra?

149. I mean, obviously, these couches are hideous.

150. No on that. All this trim is just ugh.

151. Obviously, you're gonna want to get rid

152. of the dead meat smell and—

153. are these real?

154. No. That's a good thing. It's a teardown, really.

155. But we'll sell it, and then they'll realize it later.

156. Do you guys have any signs with cursive on them?

157. Like—like—like, "Let's go jump in the lake,"

158. you know, or, like, "Great fun."

159. Light, light, light. You know?

160. Just open it up, get rid of that,

161. blow all this out, you know?

162. Make it one big kitchen.

163. Ooh! A pizza oven right here.

164. Popcorn machine's actually better.

165. It draws the eye.

166. You're gonna want to draw the eye.

167. - Mm-hmm. Not those. - Yeah.

168. You know, I'm just not sure

169. that it's the right time to sell.

170. You know, the market and all. - Oh, no. No, no.

171. The market's always strong for a murder house.

172. - Mm. - I'm sorry?

173. Oh, well, OK.

174. Yeah, technically, murder-suicide.

175. I don't know about "murder."

176. I mean, didn't the— didn't the previous owner

177. just kind of slip and fall?

178. Yeah, she did.

179. She got shot in the gut,

180. slipped and fell in her own blood,

181. and then she got two more to the back execution style.

182. Blam!

183. What?

184. Blam!

185. Ben, don't you remember? - Hmm?

186. You wrote a story about it in first grade.

187. You drew all the pictures, used up all the red crayons.

188. Mm, not ringing a bell.

189. Who got shot?

190. Some of the brown crayons too, remember,

191. because the lady shit her pants.

192. OK, Max, can you upstairs?

193. I miss all the good stories.

194. You know, I—I just think

195. that we should at least maybe talk about it.

196. Yeah, we did, just now.

197. I can't live here. OK.

198. - So I'll do the listing? - Yes.

199. And you guys get started on the renovating.

200. Oh, you know what, though?

201. I wouldn't pull up the floorboards,

202. definitely not the ones in the basement.

203. Unless you guys like skeletons, which some people do.

204. We can list it on Halloween.

205. Boo!

206. Come on.

207. Maybe we could just burn the house down

208. with me inside it.

209. I smell baked goods.

210. Yeah, the banana bread is for Esther at the lab

211. to expedite the prints we got from Peter Bach's van,

212. and the chocolate chip cookies

213. are for Maureen at the post office

214. to hurry the prints to Esther at the lab.

215. And the blueberry muffins?

216. For Ben.

217. He likes them.

218. And for you. - Yes!

219. My grandmother's secret recipe.

220. The day I took it from her drawer,

221. she threw a toaster at my head.

222. She was tough, but she was also

223. why I went undefeated in dodgeball.

224. There's six blueberries in one half

225. and two blueberries in the other.

226. Was your oven on its side?

227. No thank you.

228. Also, Detective Torres called here

229. twice already looking for you.

230. Let—let's just get to work, OK?

231. Oh, no. You're not talking.

232. Are you ghosting her?

233. Ghosts talk, Deputy.

234. That's one of the main things ghosts do.

235. If somebody has something to say

236. and then they die before they say it,

237. they turn ghost.

238. They write on fogged-up mirrors.

239. They whisper in your ear before you fall asleep at night.

240. They turn bathwater into blood.

241. OK? That's communicating.

242. OK.

243. Is there something you're not communicating to Lena?

244. Get this, right—she planned a trip for us next month,

245. all expenses paid by her.

246. First she's paying for dinners.

247. Now she's paying for entire weekends.

248. What's next? She gonna give me her kidney?

249. Oh, not this again.

250. You're right, not this.

251. Because this conversation, it's over.

252. I'm bringing Ben his muffins and I'm taking

253. one of Esther's cookies.

254. Oh, the cookies are for Maureen.

255. Esther is the banana bread.

256. I don't care.

257. At least the chocolate chips are evenly spaced.

258. Here, Deputy Liv made you some lopsided muffins.

259. Oh, I love these.

260. What's this?

261. You getting a pool?

262. Uh, I don't know.

263. Kate wants to sell the house.

264. I thought maybe if I put in a pool, she'd want to stay.

265. You can count me out.

266. I don't swim in water somebody else is tea-bagging.

267. I'm pretty sure we'd be wearing bathing suits.

268. Shit, water don't care.

269. You wrap a tea bag in a Speedo and you put it in some water,

270. you still gonna get a cup of tea

271. that tastes like your nuts.

272. For that, and other reasons, it's not an option.

273. I can't afford it.

274. Really?

275. Hmm.

276. Take off your shoe and sock.

277. - What? - You heard me.

278. Go on and make your foot naked. Let's see it.

279. I'm gonna say no.

280. Uh—possible HR violation.

281. Yeah, that is a pretty foot.

282. You got yourself a dancer's arch.

283. Ooh, my, my, my, my, my.

284. You know what?

285. I got the answer to your problems.

286. You come see me after work.

287. Bring your feet.

288. My people should not have given up

289. the Earth to the Greys.

290. They are ruthless, but we have beaten them

291. every time we have faced each other.

292. I do not need the help of my people

293. to defeat a single Grey hybrid.

294. I will be very happy doing it by my—

295. All right.

296. Let's do this.

297. I know this building.

298. I applied for an apartment here,

299. but I got turned down.

300. A Grey alien got in?

301. This is bullshit.

302. You stay here. You will be the lookout.

303. No way.

304. All these units are newly renovated.

305. I gotta see which one he got. - Hmm.

306. He probably has a steam shower

307. I need to take a shit into.

308. OK.

309. Holy shit. Can you fly?

310. If I could fly, why would I climb?

311. I mean, seriously.

312. Well, I can't do either.

313. Grab the rope and pull me up.

314. Oh, no, I missed.

315. Pull me up or I'll put a sign in the bar

316. that says Harry Vanderspeigle kicks dogs.

317. I do not.

318. Who tells these lies?

319. Me, you idiot. I just made it up.

320. - Oh. - And people will believe me

321. because you have a dog-kicking face.

322. I do not.

323. Pull me up or I'll make up worse.

324. I do not have a dog-kicking face.

325. Throw it.

326. Wait. What are you doing?

327. You're right.

328. Oh, my favorite.

329. I'm sorry.

330. I'm having trouble looking out of my dog-kicking face at you.

331. Best burgers in town.

332. - Mmm. - Mmm.

333. Jesus.

334. All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

335. Hmm.

336. People really pay money for this?

337. Not if you keep moving. You gotta stay still.

338. I'm trying to get the angle right.

339. I can't. Ow! Cramp.

340. Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp. - Oh, use it. Go with that.

341. There's a whole section of the website called Crampus.

342. Oh, God. No. Look, it's just too weird.

343. I know what you're doing.

344. You're trying to make it sound dirty.

345. It's not.

346. It's not dirty.

347. Now spread your toes for me.

348. No shame in making money.

349. I mean, the root of essential living

350. is financial security, independence.

351. Hey, a man's gotta take care of himself

352. first and foremost, even if a woman inserts herself

353. and starts planning trips.

354. Lena planned an impromptu vacation for the two of us.

355. And before you say, "So what,"

356. that's not the way it's supposed to be.

357. I'm supposed to be the one initiating that.

358. Says who?

359. Now, that's very close to "So what."

360. Well, you're talking about roles,

361. and everyone in a relationship has a role they play,

362. and it works—

363. as long as one of you doesn't suddenly switch up the roles

364. after ten years so you have no idea

365. what's happening with her.

366. OK, I feel like this is no longer about me.

367. When I was eight, my teacher had us write down

368. what we were doing for summer vacation.

369. I wrote, "Fear."

370. That's me. That's my thing.

371. Now, suddenly, Kate's afraid of birds,

372. and that scares me.

373. I mean, how am I supposed to be the one hiding under the bed

374. when she's already there?

375. Well, let me lay a little wisdom on you.

376. A man's job is to take care of his woman, full stop.

377. See, me, I'm old-school, right?

378. I like holding doors open.

379. Do I really want a woman

380. who's gonna lay her jacket over a puddle

381. so my pumps don't get wet?

382. Well, you're not married.

383. If you don't like her, break it off.

384. I do like her, a lot.

385. I mean, Lena's an amazing woman.

386. She's smart. She's beautiful.

387. She's got great taste in tactical knives.

388. - Sure. - Independent.

389. I actually like her independence.

390. I think it's kind of sexy.

391. Is it too much to ask for, to find an independent woman

392. who only does what I want?

393. Wait.

394. What is this lump in your foot? What is that?

395. Oh, it's been there since I was a kid.

396. Really?

397. You might want to get that looked at.

398. If that gets any bigger, that could derail

399. your foot modeling career before it starts.

400. There's no section of the website called Lump Foot.

401. Hey, I saw a light...

402. on.

403. She don't know art.

404. Ah, yeah. See?

405. This is why I wanted a place in this building—

406. brand-new appliances?

407. I'm so pissed.

408. Would you focus your tiny brain?

409. Remember why we are here, to find evidence

410. and get little drawings or notes

411. or anything out of the ordinary.

412. I'll tell you what's out of the ordinary—

413. $600 microwave.

414. I had no idea aliens were so bougie.

415. We are not all alike.

416. That's racist.

417. You're right. I apologize.

418. How is your breed different?

419. Ooh, can I say "breed"?

420. All right, I'm still learning.

421. We are protectors.

422. The Greys, they—

423. The Greys, they are just cruel.

424. They should not even be here.

425. Their spaghetti bodies and their meatball heads

426. only allow them to live in the Earth's atmosphere

427. for a short amount of time.

428. That's why they created hybrids?

429. Yes.

430. We have been here for thousands of years.

431. We belong here. They do not.

432. See how easy it is to sound racist?

433. Mm.

434. Look at this.

435. Jack's pot!

436. That's just a pizza box.

437. I don't think it's filled with alien secrets.

438. Well, maybe it's filled with pizza.

439. I'm hungry.

440. Wait, wait.

441. What if it's a trap?

442. Hmm...

443. That was worth the risk.

444. I was upset our last date got interrupted so quickly.

445. Yeah, me too.

446. Could have talked for hours.

447. I would have liked that.

448. We never got a chance to talk about your mother.

449. Like I said, she wasn't around.

450. I lost my mother when I was a kid too,

451. so I can relate.

452. What an odd coincidence.

453. Look at us, just two people with no moms.

454. Really?

455. What if it's poisoned?

456. If it was poisoned, it would have more flavor.

457. Anthony must have the night off.

458. It needs pepper flakes.

459. What idiot puts crushed red pepper over there?

460. Harry, no!

461. Ooh!

462. Oh, no.

463. The pizza's outside the trap.

464. Oh, good. That's done.

465. We can drop the act now.

466. I know that you know that I'm what I am.

467. Yeah? And what is that?

468. You know.

469. Why don't we both say at the same time

470. so I know what it is you think I know?

471. OK, one, two, three.

472. Grey alien. - Asshole.

473. So both.

474. You will tell me everything that you know about Harry.

475. And why would I do that?

476. Because I have him trapped.

477. Stupid cell phone companies.

478. They shut off my service again just for not paying my bill.

479. I am done with them.

480. It's not the phone.

481. There is a Reticulan Photon Net.

482. And it—it's a pretty nice one, actually.

483. OK, well, if your people are so superior,

484. why don't you just override it?

485. This is advanced alien technology.

486. You cannot just override it.

487. You have to construct a thin, nonconductive plasma deflector

488. to interfere with the complex magnetic field.

489. So there's nothing we can do?

490. We could unplug it.

491. The magnetic perimeter only confines

492. the molecular structure for alien life.

493. Humans can pass right through.

494. Well, why didn't you just tell me that?

495. God, you said I could walk right through it!

496. It was 50/50.

497. Act normal.

498. I would hate for something to happen to your father.

499. He makes a great hamburger.

500. Ow.

501. I said act normal.

502. That is normal.

503. I always kick my dates when they lie to me.

504. Why don't you make this easy and tell me

505. why he is still in Patience?

506. He hasn't told me shit.

507. And even if he did, I wouldn't tell you.

508. Mm-mm, mm-mm.

509. Neither of you are in a position to be making rules.

510. Oh, stop the bullshit.

511. I know you can't kill him

512. because it's against the Galactic Charter thingy.

513. So he has been sharing information.

514. Well, you got me.

515. I can't kill Harry.

516. But your friend is fair game.

517. See, I thought it was just gonna be Harry,

518. but this one is a bonus.

519. If you hurt her, I will kill you.

520. Don't do anything stupid, or people will die,

521. understand?

522. Hey.

523. Hey, I'm Jay. - I'm busy, Jay.

524. OK.

525. Nice work.

526. Asta is in trouble. Who is that guy?

527. The new deputy.

528. He's bad.

529. Just go. I got it.

530. I'm staying.

531. Jay, you go.

532. I got it.

533. Fine.

534. - Hey. - Hey.

535. Hey, sorry.

536. I kept meaning to call you back,

537. and then the day just got away from me.

538. Um...

539. look.

540. I've been thinking a lot about us.

541. I know that you're not thrilled

542. about me picking up a check now and then.

543. And you're clearly not OK with me taking you on a trip.

544. I like you a lot,

545. and I want you to be happy, not uncomfortable.

546. Well, thank you.

547. I appreciate that.

548. So I think that we should just end this right now.

549. Oh. I see.

550. Do you?

551. You are who you are, Mike, but I am who I am.

552. And when I care about someone, I show it.

553. I'm not gonna change who I am.

554. I have to set an example for my son.

555. No, I—I understand.

556. I was—I was looking forward to meeting him.

557. Well, this is why you haven't.

558. Take care, Mike.

559. - Hey. - Hey.

560. So I think we should sell the house.

561. You do?

562. If you do, yes.

563. Because I don't.

564. Oh, thank God.

565. I love this house.

566. I—I never want to leave.

567. I don't care if somebody died in it.

568. - People die. - People die.

569. I want to die here.

570. I want to die here with you.

571. I want to, you know, haunt this place.

572. You know, chop us up.

573. Bury us underneath the floorboards.

574. - I don't want that. - No, me neither.

575. Me neither.

576. So then what?

577. I don't know.

578. I just don't feel right.

579. And at first, I thought I didn't feel right here,

580. but...

581. now I think it's just me.

582. You know, like—like a part of me is missing or something.

583. Mm.

584. Maybe you just need

585. to get out of the house for a little bit.

586. You know, we can go somewhere. A vacation?

587. I haven't been on a trip in a while.

588. Oh, and we have a long weekend coming up.

589. We can go somewhere fun.

590. Oh, my God, I know the perfect place.

591. Me too: Yellowstone.

592. - I was gonna say Paris. - Oh.

593. But yeah, Yellowstone.

594. Thanks, honey.

595. Damn it, I told Asta your plan was stupid.

596. Now I'm trapped in here, no way out,

597. and Asta's stuck at the diner

598. with some hybrid alien psychopath.

599. My plan was stupid. I am stupid.

600. I hate myself.

601. Oh, I didn't say all that.

602. You should have. I'm worthless.

603. I failed in my attempt to destroy all of humanity,

604. and now I'm failing in my attempt to save it.

605. I am nothing but a big, stupid, human-shaped failure.

606. Yeah.

607. Well, you know, welcome to the club.

608. You're a failure too?

609. Yeah, I'm the biggest failure in Olympics history, man.

610. Oh, right.

611. You had to eradicate a species.

612. All I had to do was ski down a hill.

613. Couldn't even get that right.

614. That's right, and you didn't even make it

615. down the mountain because you fell.

616. - Right. - Millions of people saw you

617. fail on television.

618. It's pretty stupid.

619. It seems like it should be easy

620. 'cause skiing's mostly gravity.

621. Yeah, you know what? You made your point.

622. Yes, that we are both failures.

623. Um, Harry, do you think it's possible

624. this Grey technology is making us bigger?

625. - No. - Cool.

626. Then this thing is closing in on us.

627. Oh, he got the new kind.

628. You better tell me what you know.

629. Time is running out.

630. OK.

631. OK, fine.

632. Harry's real name

633. is... Mork,

634. and he is from a planet called... Ork.

635. OK, good.

636. Was that really so hard?

637. Mork.

638. I don't know this planet Ork.

639. Who does he report to?

640. A very powerful being.

641. I think his name is Orson.

642. - Orson? - Yeah.

643. Orson. I think I've heard of him.

644. Mm-hmm.

645. You got to do something.

646. You're an alien.

647. I just watched you climb a wall.

648. Don't you have any other special powers?

649. Mm.

650. Even ET could levitate toys and shit.

651. He is so special.

652. ET could fly a bicycle.

653. ET had a flashlight for a finger.

654. Do you know what it is like to be constantly compared

655. to that waddling sex doll?

656. Look, out of all the aliens on your planet,

657. you're the one who was chosen

658. to come here and kill everyone on Earth.

659. They picked you.

660. That makes you special too. So think.

661. But they didn't pick me.

662. I volunteered 'cause I knew I could do it.

663. But I couldn't do it. I failed.

664. No, you volunteered

665. because you knew you could do it.

666. That makes you special.

667. Yes, and you volunteered to do this.

668. Does that also make you special?

669. Yeah, I guess it does.

670. Maybe we're not failures.

671. Since I was a kid, all I cared about, right,

672. was being the best skier in the world.

673. You wanted to kill everyone in the world.

674. - Mm-hmm. - Those are big goals.

675. And stopping the Greys, that is no small thing either.

676. We're not stuck in here because we're failures.

677. We're in here because no one else would even try.

678. Yes. I'm not a failure.

679. I am special.

680. Oh. Oh.

681. I'm special too, right?

682. Yes, you are special.

683. Do I really have a dog-kicking face?

684. No, no, no.

685. See? I told you. Alien technology.

686. Thank God.

687. What are you doing here? Did you follow me?

688. No, I've been tracking you, because I'm the Alien Tracker.

689. How did you get past security?

690. His fortress is impenetrable.

691. Door was unlocked.

692. Son of a bitch.

693. Who cares?

694. Max, unplug this thing.

695. I will, if you tell them you're an alien.

696. Then we are both going to die

697. because I am nothing but a dumb human.

698. Ugh!

699. Max, unplug this, or when I die,

700. I will haunt the shit out of you.

701. I don't care. I like ghosts.

702. I don't.

703. She's scary even when she's alive.

704. He's not an alien. I knew Max was a liar.

705. All right, take it easy, Bishop.

706. Fine. I am a human.

707. Obviously.

708. But the person who lives here is an alien, obviously.

709. And the reason that you were able to track down his lair

710. is because you, Max,

711. are the Alien Tracker.

712. Wow.

713. Cool.

714. And this Mindy person, what's her role in all this?

715. No, no. Damn it.

716. What's the Grey word for screw-up?

717. Oh, or is it just Joseph?

718. Well, I still have you.

719. Just smile like nothing's wrong and get up.

720. We're walking out of here.

721. Get out. She stays.

722. You have no idea what you're dealing with.

723. Oh, no. You're an alien?

724. You think I give a shit?

725. You can't swing a dead cat in this town

726. without hitting an alien.

727. Double Dutch that, Laura Roberts.

728. Is she the one that dunked your head in the sand?

729. What? Uh, I don't know. Maybe. Can't remember.

730. Don't worry, folks.

731. He had too much to drink.

732. Hi, sir.

733. Bad news from the lab.

734. No hit on the fingerprints.

735. I really thought we had something this time.

736. On the bright side, Esther loved my banana bread.

737. It didn't go so well with Maureen.

738. Her dog ate the whole plate of cookies,

739. had to have her stomach pumped.

740. But she'll be OK. - Poor dog.

741. No, Maureen had to have her stomach pumped.

742. Sorry, I—I forgot the part about her OD'ing on Vicodin.

743. You OK?

744. If you must know,

745. Lena and I have decided to just be friends.

746. Oh, no.

747. I said I'm fine, deputy.

748. Well, you can't just sit here by yourself being sad.

749. Come to dinner.

750. I'm making John's favorite.

751. - What are you having? - Turkey meatloaf.

752. Hard pass.

753. You're funny when you sleep.

754. This is you.

755. - You didn't tie me up. - Oh, I was going to.

756. But then I thought,

757. hybrid Greys would be very strong.

758. You would break your restraints,

759. and then you would have probably broken my chair.

760. Then I would have to fight you.

761. And because I am also strong,

762. I would throw you across the room.

763. And then you would break my refrigerator.

764. And the refrigerator repairman

765. would probably be overly talkative.

766. Well, my real passion is photography.

767. I've—I got a film camera,

768. which is drastically better than digital.

769. I—I like nature photography.

770. Do you like nature?

771. I sometimes go on hikes,

772. and I shoot the things that I see.

773. I like the chipmunks. They're really cute.

774. People seem to like the photos of the chipmunks, you know.

775. My—my mom really likes the—the chipmunk photos.

776. I have an alternate scenario, if I may.

777. Go ahead.

778. We fight.

779. You're strong, but I am stronger,

780. and I throw you across the room.

781. And then I step on your stupid alien head

782. and I kill you.

783. Except I bite you!

784. But the refrigerator repairman

785. also works for the glass company.

786. I've shot at all the national parks in Colorado—

787. Mesa Verde. Rocky Mountain.

788. Of course, Sand Dunes. Sand Dunes is my favorite.

789. I only shoot on film.

790. Did I—did I mention that?

791. I find it's drastically better than—

792. than digital.

793. I do have to develop my own film in my darkroom.

794. But my mom's just upstairs,

795. so sometimes, she brings me snacks.

796. I did go with my mom a few years ago to—to Four Points.

797. It's where the four states touch.

798. I took a photo of her there.

799. In every situation, I just end up

800. with a lot of sweeping to do

801. and learn more than I need to about film photography.

802. Now, what are the Grey aliens doing here on Earth?

803. If I told you, you wouldn't understand.

804. I would understand better than you.

805. You're a hybrid.

806. You are half-human, which means you're half-stupid.

807. I am two halves not stupid.

808. Yet neither of your halves knows the Greys' plans,

809. and my half does.

810. Not the part about the trees.

811. It knows all about the trees.

812. Aha!

813. There is no part about the trees.

814. I made that up.

815. There's a part. A whole tree thing.

816. A whole pine and birch scenario.

817. They have not told you anything, have they?

818. You are nothing to the Greys.

819. You're a circus monkey that does tricks for food.

820. What if I am? What if I don't know anything?

821. Why are you so happy about it? I was your only hope.

822. If I don't know anything, your mission has failed.

823. And so has yours. You have to leave Patience now.

824. Oh, why is that?

825. Because I do not like your square face.

826. And if you do not leave, I will tell the Greys

827. how many humans know you're an alien.

828. Three of them are children.

829. I do not think they will let you live.

830. I will leave when I want to leave.

831. Lucky for you, I want to leave right now.

832. You're leaving because I told you to leave.

833. Uh, no.

834. I just happen to want to leave so badly

835. that I don't care about staying just so you don't think

836. that I'm leaving because you told me to leave.

837. The only thing I understood in that was "leave."

838. I'm leaving.

839. Go ahead.

840. I do not even care about that one.

841. It was my favorite.

842. Ugh.

843. Hello.

844. Haven't heard from you for a couple of days.

845. How's everything going?

846. Oh, I have it all under control.

847. Too much good to say in one phone call.

848. You're not gonna tell him about the Darling Project?

849. That's strictly need to know, and he doesn't.

850. You can go.

851. When someone you love is taken away from you,

852. everything changes.

853. It is a loss that stays with you forever.

854. When I came to Earth, I was unique.

855. I was superior.

856. But living as a human is making me weaker.

857. I am not two halves smarter now.

858. Humans do stupid things all the time.

859. It is like their national sport.

860. Joseph is right. I have failed my mission.

861. I have failed to find out why he's here.

862. I wasted precious time on him and put Asta in danger.

863. I am not special. I am a...

864. Hey, are you busy?

865. Yes, I'm in the middle of a thought.

866. Failure.

867. What do you want?

868. Well, I was hoping

869. that you could take a look at my foot.

870. No, sorry, I do not have internet foot kink money.

871. No, no, as a doctor.

872. See I—see, I have this bump,

873. and, yeah, it's probably nothing,

874. but I just want to get it checked out.

875. Where did you get this?

876. Oh, I don't know.

877. I've had it since I was a kid.

878. Oh.

879. I do know.

880. This embedded chip means he has been abducted by Greys.

881. I have been trying to learn what the Greys are doing

882. on Earth, and perhaps the answer has been

883. in Mayor Snowflake's foot all along.

884. I need to hypnotize you.

885. To determine the origin of this disfiguration.

886. Can't you just remove it?

887. Yes, but we're out of anesthetic.

888. Hypnosis is fine.

889. Listen only to the sound of my voice.

890. When you wake up, you will remember nothing of this.

891. But you will still pay me for the hour.

892. Now, tell me everything that you remember

893. from your last abduction.

894. There was...

895. a lot of floating.

896. Floating down a hallway.

897. I'm cold. I hate it here.

898. Oh, God, I feel sick.

899. OK. I don't care about—about that.

900. Tell me something I can use.

901. I'm passing a—

902. I'm passing a doorway.

903. What's through the doorway?

904. I don't know. I think there's a—

905. I think there's a map.

906. What is on the map?

907. Mm.

908. I can't—I can't see it.

909. I—oh, God, I'm scared.

910. Please, I— I gotta get out of here.

911. I don't want to be here. I want to go home.

912. I need you to listen to me.

913. This is important.

914. Just tell me what you see.

915. What do you see?

916. I need to know what these beings are doing on Earth.

917. There's all these shoes.

918. There's all these children's shoes.

919. Oh.

920. There's—there's something.

921. It's a—a souvenir maybe?

922. A snow globe that says...

923. Yellowstone.

924. Yellowstone?

925. Yes.

926. When I snap my fingers, you will wake up

927. and you will remember nothing.

928. In three, two, one.