Reno 911! 1x9

Directed by Michael Patrick Jann

Susan Yeagley as Cashier • Thomas Rosales Jr. as Rosales Brother • Gene LeBell as Old Man on Scooter • Michael Patrick Jann as Camera Man • Spice Williams-Crosby as Fighting White Trash Woman

It's Garcia's 15 year anniversary on the force and the guys end up taking him to a strip club to celebrate Reno style.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We got a call about A nude sunbather.

2. I bet you anything It ain't nobody black.

3. Ohh-ho-ho.

4. Sir, you're gonna have To cover that up, please.

5. Oh, hey, girls.

6. Dangle? How you doing?

7. Oh, oh, oh.

8. This is a scorcher, huh?

9. Whoo, doggy!

10. Hey, joe.

11. You want a mojito Or something?

12. Joe?

13. Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!

14. Aah! Aah! Aah!

15. Hey, dog. Yeah.

16. Ho! Ho! Ho!

17. Okay, next order of business —

18. As many of you know, today is Deputy james garcia's 15th year

19. With the reno sheriff's Department.

20. Thank you.

21. And there are also — I'm sorry.

22. If you're planning Some big to-do,

23. Just knock it off Right now.

24. Nip it in the bud, 'cause, Again, I'm just gonna go home,

25. Have me a tv dinner, And that's it, so okay.

26. We weren't Planning anything.

27. Okay, moving right along,

28. They're taking The cigarette machine

29. Out of the break room today.

30. Why would anybody, Uh —

31. Why would anybody want To celebrate...

32. Hanging out in the same place For 15 years,

33. Dealing with the same stupid Criminals on the street

34. Every day,

35. And you look back And say,

36. "Hey, what have I done? Not much."

37. "Hey, where'd the years go?" "I don't know."

38. "You're older and slower and one Day closer to death,"

39. And I just don't know If that's something

40. You want to blow up a balloon For or light a candle.

41. See you later.

42. I guess now we gotta get Balloons and candles.

43. Baby wants a bottle.

44. Baby wants a party, It sounds like.

45. Let's not spend too much, Whatever we do, okay?

46. I think garcia's lasted For 15 years mostly because

47. He sort of runs on, uh,

48. Pure, unadulterated anger,

49. Kind of like how I run on, uh, terror

50. And sort of genuine malaise And misery.

51. I guess some pit bulls Are happy

52. Even when they're Tearing apart a little child,

53. And in that sense, Garcia's probably very happy.

54. Get out of here! Just get out of here!

55. Calm down.

56. Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Slow down, slow down, slow down.

57. All right, all right, all right, All right, all right.

58. Get off my property!

59. Ow! Hey, hey, come on.

60. All right. Okay.

61. Get the off!

62. Whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa!

63. All right, all right.

64. Put the bat down.

65. All right.

66. All right, all right, come on, Come on, come on, now.

67. Now it's over, It's over.

68. Hey. Hey.

69. You leave my family alone!

70. You leave my family alone!

71. All right! Now, that's it!

72. You — you're coming With me!

73. Get him, garcia. Get him, wiegel.

74. You're going in!

75. You okay?

76. That was a real good fight.

77. That was cool. All right.

78. Hell, yeah.

79. Did you see me go against That car? Wham!

80. She hit you pretty hard.

81. Did y'all see me when I shot the gun?

82. Hey, can I get a copy of me Going through that window,

83. Just so I can send To my friends and stuff?

84. That was real good.

85. I didn't see that.

86. You didn't get that?

87. You got that, didn't you?

88. I got hit by a piece of wood, And then I got kind of scared.

89. Did you get me going through The window?

90. Dead battery.

91. Ohh!

92. The coolest damn thing That happened to me

93. Since you cameras Have been around.

94. I went through a Goddamn window.

95. You know what?

96. We could — We could let 'em out again.

97. Just let 'em out.

98. They're gonna fight again. Just let him out.

99. Do it. Do it. Let's do it.

100. You let tony out of the car, I'll give you a signal,

101. They can start fighting, And I'll go over to the porch.

102. What's the signal?

103. The signal is I'll say, "Signal."

104. Sheriff's department! Sheriff's department!

105. Thank you, Thank you.

106. Hi. We got a call. Who's been assaulted?

107. There was an assault.

108. They came up to the front desk. They asked me for change.

109. He tried to short-change me, so I slapped him across the face.

110. I slapped him, And then I slapped her, too.

111. In one move?

112. In one move — just boom!

113. One double slap.

114. It became a double slap. It didn't start that way.

115. Unintentional double slap.

116. Yes, it was completely Unintentional.

117. I had no intention Of slapping her,

118. But I'm telling you,

119. I was so angry that if my arms Were long enough,

120. I would have Slapped the two kids, too.

121. We have a contest At our hotel

122. That whoever works At the front desk —

123. If they get An even balance,

124. If their bank Is even...

125. You get Some kind of prize.

126. We get to win tickets

127. To whoever's performing In the ballroom.

128. We get to go see them.

129. Who's playing?

130. Amy grant, and I'm not — I am not missing amy grant.

131. I've only won That contest one time,

132. And it was ray parker, jr.,

133. And that sucked!

134. I am not...

135. Do you know who's performing Next month after amy grant?

136. It's eddie rabbit.

137. Oh, well...

138. No. Yech.

139. I'm gonna give them A warning about —

140. I'm not really sure what I'm Gonna warn them about,

141. Because it seems like things Kind of add up, but...

142. But they're clearly Scam artists.

143. It's very, very possible That they are,

144. But before I do that, Uh...

145. Who are you going To amy grant with?

146. Signal.

147. Here they are. Here they are.

148. You stop In the name of the law!

149. You get off of him.

150. Get off of him!

151. You piece Of.

152. All right! Stop in the name of the law!

153. And right now the law is Raineesha williams!

154. Huh? Huh? Huh?

155. Hey! Hey!

156. The bad boys Are in our custody.

157. Should we do it again?

158. 15 years is a long time.

159. Yes, ma'am.

160. In case you guys were —

161. We're not Planning anything. Nope?

162. In fact, I wanted To do something,

163. Not so much because I care about you

164. But because I have A new recipe

165. For cinnamon Red hot jello salad,

166. And I figured I could do a 15 —

167. Jello in the shape Of a "15" in a mold.

168. I got all excited About it.

169. I even went To look for the molds.

170. They didn't even have —

171. All they had was a 7 And a 2.

172. Wow, you smell good. Oh, thank you.

173. Happy anniversary!

174. Uh, well, I'm just really —

175. We got you a piñata.

176. I figured you're Mexican and all.

177. Okay. Whoa.

178. Spin him, spin him, Spin him good.

179. All right. Okay.

180. left. Left.

181. No, no.

182. A little left. Up.

183. Am I good? Up and left.

184. A little more left.

185. Adios.

186. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

187. Want to take The blindfold off?

188. Well, all right, all right, Not that I need to.

189. Now we got it. Now we got it.

190. All right.

191. Okay, you s.O.B.

192. Whoo-hoo!

193. You are a idiot.

194. Shh. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't be hard on yourself.

195. Jones, don't laugh.

196. What? I'm sorry.

197. I will not let a little Papier-mâché pendejo

198. With a smile on his face

199. Ruin my 15-year anniversary, Okay?

200. Dangle.

201. Yeah! Who's smiling now, pendejo?

202. Yeah! Who's smiling now?

203. you!

204. This is my 15-year — mine!

205. Whoo! Whoo!

206. yeah! Yeah!

207. Who's smiling now?

208. Let's have a beer. Let's have a beer, everybody.

209. I was out here.

210. I was selling some nachos And some sprites,

211. And I was giving Him some money

212. And his change back,

213. And then I gave him some More money I had in my hand.

214. He grabbed all of it.

215. And once he put it in His pocket,

216. He took his coat, Opened it up,

217. And exposed himself,

218. And underneath it, He was naked,

219. And I saw his Penis and scrotums.

220. Now, I know you're A little shaken up right now,

221. But would he have Flashed you first

222. And then grabbed The money?

223. To me, that's what Makes sense.

224. "Here's my I'm taking your money."

225. We get a lot of that.

226. We haven't had any, "I'm taking your money.

227. Here's my dick."

228. I'm recalling this In the correct order,

229. And I'm sorry if you guys Want to embellish it,

230. But I'm telling you what Happened to me.

231. So, it was definitely A taking the money —

232. It was a robbery, and then it Was penis, in that order.

233. Stealing and penis, stealing, Penis, stealing, penis.

234. Do I think garcia's A happy man?

235. Oh, god, no.

236. Oh, heavens.

237. Oh, lord.

238. Garcia, In his off time,

239. Plays first-person Police-shooting games.

240. Really?

241. Wouldn't it be third, though?

242. Third person?

243. Because he's Yeaha police officer?

244. Wait. Third person is — They...

245. I'm garcia, And I am going —

246. No, it's still first person 'Cause he's there.

247. Can you give a description About what the —

248. Well, it was A very long,

249. Kind of like a pink — nude, Pink garden hose.

250. So it was real skinny? It was real skinny.

251. And it wasn't pointing Downwards,

252. It was going outwards?

253. Well, at first.

254. Funny you should ask. Funny you should ask.

255. It started south, And then it just goes right up,

256. Pointing at me like, "Hey, you, you're in my way."

257. How long did this whole episode Take?

258. Oh, less than probably 20 seconds.

259. So, we're talking... Right there at you.

260. It was like emeril going, "Bam!" With his garlic.

261. If I was on my knees, again,

262. It would have been right here, And then, again,

263. The burberry coat was opened up.

264. You didn't say it was A burberry coat.

265. Oh, excuse me. I overlooked that.

266. You don't see a lot Of burberry in reno.

267. You see a lot Of members only.

268. And I tell you what, ma'am —

269. We are gonna tell you that We are gonna try our best.

270. That's what we're Gonna tell you.

271. We'll try our best.

272. Thank you.

273. We aim to try.

274. We aim to try — That's our motto.

275. That's what our motto Is becoming.

276. How we doing, guys?

277. Good. We read you. We read you.

278. Check your mike.

279. Check. Check, 1, 2.

280. We read you. We read you. Okay.

281. We got deputy jones here running A prostitution sting,

282. And as soon as he gets her To say that she will...

283. Have sex with him for money, We will swoop in.

284. relax.

285. Uh... Let me close The door here.

286. I'm gonna take this off If you don't mind.

287. Oh, sure. Why not? Yeah. Relax.

288. God, you are Really pretty.

289. You're really, Really pretty.

290. You're really cute. Thank you.

291. You're really cute. Thank you.

292. I walked in here, And I was like — whoo!

293. Did you feel that, Too?

294. When you walked in, I was just like,

295. "Wow, that's a breath Of fresh air."

296. It's close.

297. "Love you. Here's money for sex."

298. Your legs are so cut.

299. What do you do For a living?

300. I'm a gym teacher.

301. What the hell?

302. What grade do you teach?

303. Uh, 4th grade through 8th.

304. And I make a lot of money, And here is some of it for sex.

305. Do you want A foot massage?

306. You would give me A foot massage? Oh, yeah, yeah.

307. I mean, come on.

308. You are never gonna figure Those shoes out, buster.

309. I will — oh, jeez.

310. It's his achilles heel — White girls with a big backyard.

311. I need some cashew chicken And...

312. What else did we want? Won tons? Mm-hmm.

313. It's like watching a damn porno With all the porno cut out.

314. Hey, happy 15 years to me.

315. Oh, that's right, I forgot.

316. Happy 15th anniversary.

317. Yeah.

318. 15 years of my life...

319. And here I am With my "buddies."

320. Hey, you've had a very good 15-year run.

321. You're a good cop, Garcia.

322. You've done — Well... You've done a lot.

323. Yeah? What have I done, dangle?

324. You, uh...

325. Done a lot of good.

326. You know what I done, dangle?

327. You figured — you figured out That new hand drier

328. We got at the station.

329. Nobody else was Gonna push it, no.

330. You know what I did, dangle?

331. I managed to piss off an ex-wife

332. And make a daughter Not write me for 10 years.

333. You have a daughter?

334. Had.

335. Come on, cheer up. Let's bust a hooker, all right?

336. Um, guys... Bad news.

337. She's not an escort.

338. Oh,

339. She isn't.

340. I'm just gonna — She's a good kid.

341. I'm just gonna get her home,

342. Take her to the cab, Get a taxi,

343. Get her home, But could I get 350 bucks?

344. Garcia having a daughter was Absolutely a news flash to me.

345. Really? You knew that?

346. He talks endlessly In the car about it.

347. The part I don't understand Is that there's a woman who...

348. Would make The sex act with him.

349. The effort, yeah.

350. Not even the effort —

351. Even be present For sex with garcia.

352. Can you imagine how angry That sex would be?Oh, god.

353. You ever heard him In the john —

354. When garcia's in the john Just making a deuce?

355. Hey.

356. It's like normandy.

357. Reno sheriff department!

358. Hello, sir. Are you gene labelle?

359. Yes, ma'am.

360. Um, we have a warrant For your arrest.

361. I'm afraid you're gonna have To come with us, sir.

362. Okay, I'll be glad to.

363. All right.

364. Can I put on my pants And a hat?

365. Will you please put Your pants on?

366. I think that would Be fine, sir.

367. We're gonna come on in And wait.

368. Yeah, come on in.

369. My home is your home. Thank you, sir.

370. He's not gonna go Anywhere.

371. Nice house.

372. Ooh, chips.

373. Hmm.

374. You'll never get me alive, Bitches!

375. Ohh! Ohh!

376. Hey!

377. Get him!

378. Mr. Labelle!

379. You can't — sir, You're evading arrest!

380. That's illegal, sir!

381. Get him!

382. I will hunt you down and beat The living crap out of you!

383. I have to wait till He runs out of gas!

384. Garcia has a daughter?

385. Uh...

386. I had no idea.

387. I had no idea.

388. I would imagine...

389. She must have a humpback Or something.

390. Could I get my Friend here a —

391. Get him a — Get him a —

392. Champagne room! Champagne room!

393. Why don't we go to the park

394. And beat up Some of them pot dealers?

395. Hey, you love that! You love that!

396. A little stick time.

397. You love that!

398. I don't know what's going on Inside that old caboose here.

399. I just, uh —

400. Summer, cinnamon, diamond, Everybody here —

401. We want to celebrate 15 years of james —

402. You have a middle name, Right?

403. Oswaldo. Huh?

404. Oswaldo.

405. Yes. O-s-w-a-l-d-o — Oswaldo.

406. James oswaldo garcia.

407. Whoo! Whoo!Whoo! Whoo!

408. Hear! Hear!

409. Excuse me. You're james oswaldo garcia?

410. Yes, ma'am, I am.

411. Daddy, it's me!

412. Trina!

413. How are you, daddy?

414. Oh, my — oh, my god! Trina!

415. How have you been? It's so good to see you!

416. Oh! Oh, my god!

417. How have you been?

418. What has it been, Like, 10 years?

419. Trina, man, you're All grown up

420. Look at you!

421. How are you?

422. This is My daughter!

423. We work with Your dad.

424. This is very sweet.

425. What a happy reunion.

426. I don't think I've ever Seen him this happy.

427. I've never seen him happy, Really.

428. How much did you have To pay that girl

429. To say that she Was his daughter?

430. 80 bucks.

431. 80 bucks? That ain't bad.

432. Pretty cheap.

433. Forfeit.

434. What he don't know Won't hurt him.

435. Are you okay To drive?

436. Uh...

437. Yeah, I'm okay to drive.

438. You want me to drive?

439. No, I'm fine. I'm just a little —

440. How much you had To drink?

441. I had — what did I have?

442. I had 11 beers

443. And I had A couple of cosmopolitans.

444. I'm fine.

445. I'm good.

446. You got whip-its?

447. Yeah. Watch the door.

448. I'll do some whip-its.

449. You okay?

450. Yeah, I'm fine.

451. I haven't done whip-its In a coon's age.

452. Where's the lights? I'm really up.

453. What did you say?

454. Coon's age?

455. That's an expression.

456. It's not a black thing.

457. What does it mean?

458. I don't know. It just means "coon's age."

459. All I said was I haven't done Whip-its in a coon's age.