1. Reno, this is 41 frank 15.Copy !req
2. We're in hot pursuit
Of a brown nissan stanza,Copy !req
3. Nevada license "w-u-v..."Copy !req
4. It's a vanity plate,
"Wu... wuv... wuv my...Copy !req
5. It's "w"Wu... woov-me...Copy !req
6. "Woove me... Wuv me... wuv my..."Copy !req
7. "Wuv-my-k9."Copy !req
8. Love my canine, Love my dog.Copy !req
9. Oh, he loves his dog.Copy !req
10. Stop the car, Stop, stop!Copy !req
11. Captioning made possible by
comedy central.Copy !req
12. Oh, ho! Oh, ho-ho!Copy !req
13. Aggghhh!Copy !req
14. Here you go... Lal-la, yeah...Copy !req
15. 2-3 roger, roger...Copy !req
16. Shots fired!Copy !req
17. Oh-ho-ho!Copy !req
18. Once again I got
No sleep last night.Copy !req
19. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
20. Nice... Nice!Copy !req
21. Just my boyfriend, Everybody.Copy !req
22. It's just steed,
The love of my life.Copy !req
23. What did you do now?Copy !req
24. This is so embarrassing...Copy !req
25. Clemmy...Copy !req
26. What'd you do now,
What'd you steal?Copy !req
27. I gotta tell you somethin',
I gotta come clean.Copy !req
28. I come here to, uh,Copy !req
29. Propose blissful matrimony
To you, down on bended knee.Copy !req
30. Clemmy, I know we been through
Some hard times together, uh...Copy !req
31. Oh, my god.Copy !req
32. Maybe more to come, But, uh,Copy !req
33. I think now we've
Made a real turn.Copy !req
34. Uh, almost A complete u-turn.Copy !req
35. Uh, maybe not a Complete u-turn.Copy !req
36. But, like, a hard...
Very hard right turn?Copy !req
37. I want you to Marry me, clemmy.Copy !req
38. I got it at j.C. Penney.Copy !req
39. Oh my...Copy !req
40. This is not happening.Copy !req
41. Oh, my god...
Yes, by the way, yes, yes.Copy !req
42. Is there like an
Empty cell we can use.Copy !req
43. For a couple of...Copy !req
44. No.Copy !req
45. Is there?
Just for a couple minutes.Copy !req
46. Take it outside.Copy !req
47. When I met him, first week...
This is a true story...Copy !req
48. First week, I got "steed"
Tattooed across my back.Copy !req
49. But then he pissed me off
The next week.Copy !req
50. And I had to change it.Copy !req
51. And so I just put...Copy !req
52. I kinda had them do an "x"
Through the "d".Copy !req
53. And it says "steely dan".Copy !req
54. Are we ready To get married?Copy !req
55. Well, I think...Copy !req
56. You know, was I ready
To come to work today?Copy !req
57. The thing about clemmy
Marrying steed is this:Copy !req
58. People can do whatever
They wanna do.Copy !req
59. You know, we don't
Live in communist china.Copy !req
60. You know?Copy !req
61. I'm not gonna tell her,Copy !req
62. "Hey, this is a bad guy
With a rap sheet."Copy !req
63. "This is a guy Who's, you know,Copy !req
64. An attempted arsonist,
A repeat b & e."Copy !req
65. You know,
Is that my place to say,Copy !req
66. "Hey, this guy was
Wanted on "statch."Copy !req
67. A couple years back?"Copy !req
68. "Hey, this guy, y'know,
Shot his cousin.Copy !req
69. Y'know, back in '81?"Copy !req
70. No, listen, people
Can do whatever they want.Copy !req
71. This isn't communist china.Copy !req
72. Sheriff's department.Copy !req
73. Sheriff's department, sir.Copy !req
74. Who's is it?Copy !req
75. Sheriff's department! Partment!Copy !req
76. Hi, can I help you?Copy !req
77. Yeah, you can help us.Copy !req
78. Uh, look, we're
Shooting a movie right now.Copy !req
79. This is really
Not the best time.Copy !req
80. We're gonna wrap, probably,
In about 10, 15 minutes.Copy !req
81. If you guys wanna grab a soda
Or something like that...Copy !req
82. Sir, we've been
Getting some noise,Copy !req
83. Uh, complaints from
Suite #4, here.Copy !req
84. Yeah, you have been,Copy !req
85. Because there have been a lot
Of people knocking on my door.Copy !req
86. And we are shooting...
We're shooting vérité,Copy !req
87. I'm not sure if you're
Familiar with that term.Copy !req
88. But that means real.Copy !req
89. And you know What's not real?Copy !req
90. Is a couple of knuckleheads
F... with my movie.Copy !req
91. Okay, you know What's real, sir?Copy !req
92. Is we're gonna come inside
'Cause your checkout time is 12.Copy !req
93. And it's now 8 in the p.M. Okay?Copy !req
94. So, uh, that's real now,
We're gonna come in.Copy !req
95. Uh, okay, fine.Copy !req
96. Cut!Copy !req
97. Uh, some people from
The police department.Copy !req
98. Would like to see what a
real movie is all about.Copy !req
99. This is art, all right?Copy !req
100. Do you understand Where I live?Copy !req
101. I live in america!Copy !req
102. And in america,
You can do what you want.Copy !req
103. And the nazis can't come inside
And f... with your film.Copy !req
104. Don't you slap...Copy !req
105. Greased pig!Copy !req
106. It's love oil!Copy !req
107. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
108. Don't you Sing the anthem!Copy !req
109. Don't you sing The anthem, sir!Copy !req
110. No, don't you Sing the anthem!Copy !req
111. Damn, this cowboy's Like a...Copy !req
112. Yeah, Say it, say it!Copy !req
113. Say it!Copy !req
114. No, I'm fat.Copy !req
115. I'm a fat f...Copy !req
116. No, you're not fat. No.Copy !req
117. No, I'm not?Copy !req
118. No, you're not fat.Copy !req
119. I'm not fat, really?Copy !req
120. Look at me, Are you blind?Copy !req
121. I'm as big as a house!Copy !req
122. Okay, I'll rent the room.Copy !req
123. I'll rent the room
For another day...Copy !req
124. No. Okay?Copy !req
125. We're not negotiating
Anymore, sir.Copy !req
126. Oop... no, no, ho!Copy !req
127. So long, Everybody back to one!Copy !req
128. Yeah, reno 11, Charlie 51.Copy !req
129. Send the fire department
Over to the desert sands...Copy !req
130. He's got your stick.Copy !req
131. You, you two times...Copy !req
132. What, what?Copy !req
133. Oh, you want this... ooh.Copy !req
134. Oh!Copy !req
135. Get off!Copy !req
136. Clemmy and I met
At a g-e-d class.Copy !req
137. It's graduate equivalent
Degree diploma.Copy !req
138. And he passed me a note.Copy !req
139. Graduate equivalency degree,
You got it right the first time.Copy !req
140. Degree...Copy !req
141. Uh, I passed her a note...Copy !req
142. Passed me a note, it said,
"I think you're hot."Copy !req
143. And I passed him
A note and I said,Copy !req
144. "I don't need you
To tell me that."Copy !req
145. I am planning a
Bachelorette party for you.Copy !req
146. Strippers... All right.Copy !req
147. You have a preference?
Black, white?Copy !req
148. I like 'em all.Copy !req
149. I like black, I like white...Copy !req
150. I like black.Copy !req
151. Just don't get me any
Pacific islanders.Copy !req
152. I don't get it,
I don't get that.Copy !req
153. Okay, hi, gang.Copy !req
154. Uh, my name is
Lieutenant jim dangle.Copy !req
155. And this is my associate,
Deputy travis junior.Copy !req
156. We're from the
Reno sheriff's department.Copy !req
157. And today we're gonna talk
About a scary and deadly.Copy !req
158. And dangerous drug
That's out on the streets.Copy !req
159. It's a killer, it's a plague
That's sweeping the nation.Copy !req
160. And it's called
"Crystal methamphetamine".Copy !req
161. Crystal methamphetamine is
A terrible, terrible drug.Copy !req
162. And it does a lot of
Terrible things to ya...Copy !req
163. And we're gonna
Talk about some of those.Copy !req
164. Terrible things it does to you
But in a kind of a fun way.Copy !req
165. So follow along, and
As soon as you know the words.Copy !req
166. Sing along right with me.Copy !req
167. Here we go...Copy !req
168. Any questions?Copy !req
169. We got another, uh,
45 minutes to kill.Copy !req
170. Uh, any requests?Copy !req
171. Anybody?Copy !req
172. I know some rush
And I know a lot of floyd.Copy !req
173. Hello.Copy !req
174. How you doin', Today, ma'am?Copy !req
175. Hi, I'm terrific,
How are you guys doin'?Copy !req
176. We're doin' good. Just great.Copy !req
177. Sorry for The holdup, guys.Copy !req
178. It's all right.Copy !req
179. I knew I held you up.Copy !req
180. That's probably
A crime, isn't it?Copy !req
181. No, no problem
But could you hurry it up?Copy !req
182. 'Cause we got a lot
Of crime to...Copy !req
183. Can you believe, $9 for tacos?Copy !req
184. I mean, that's highway
Robbery, isn't it?Copy !req
185. No, it's not bad, Actually.Copy !req
186. Highway robbery?Copy !req
187. It's a fair price, Actually.Copy !req
188. Here you go, guys.Copy !req
189. Okay, got it... Ohh...Copy !req
190. Got it? Yeah.Copy !req
191. Hope it's not a crime
To make you wait.Copy !req
192. Not at all, ma'am,
You have a good day.Copy !req
193. Do I have taco In my teeth, huh?Copy !req
194. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
195. Bye-bye.Copy !req
196. Kind of jittery, huh?Copy !req
197. I've got a note here.Copy !req
198. "Officer, there are
Two armed men inside."Copy !req
199. I hope there's
Two-armed men back there.Copy !req
200. A one-armed guy's not gonna
Be able to make a taco.Copy !req
201. This here, actually, Is my plot.Copy !req
202. Um, obviously,
There's nobody in it yet.Copy !req
203. But, god willing, There will be.Copy !req
204. Hi, mom.Copy !req
205. My mom started
Collecting beanie babies...Copy !req
206. About four years After she died.Copy !req
207. I used to leave 'em out here.Copy !req
208. In fact, I had a whole
Collection for her.Copy !req
209. She had a great
Princess diana bear,Copy !req
210. Those are a fortune.Copy !req
211. I had a hard time
Getting her that one,Copy !req
212. She was really excited
When I did finally get it.Copy !req
213. Um, and I left him out here
You know, thinking,Copy !req
214. This is a sacred place And uh...Copy !req
215. Some nigger kid
Took him, I think.Copy !req
216. I have real dark skin.Copy !req
217. My mom was real light skinned,
She was an irish girl.Copy !req
218. I have real dark skin
'Cause I was, apparently,Copy !req
219. So they say, I was raped.Copy !req
220. Um, my mother was raped
By an american indian.Copy !req
221. She had gone on...Copy !req
222. It was a...
Some sort of souvenir hunt.Copy !req
223. In, uh, minnesota.Copy !req
224. Wandered onto a reservation
And boom, they raped her.Copy !req
225. They're talkin' about
Puttin' more, uh,Copy !req
226. Asian people in here?Copy !req
227. And, uh, I put up a flyer, um,Copy !req
228. Of course, without my name on it
Or any information, saying,Copy !req
229. Y'know, Let's try and keep...Copy !req
230. In so many words, let's try
And keep the asians out.Copy !req
231. And I haven't
Heard anything back.Copy !req
232. But, then again,Copy !req
233. I didn't put my name or
Any phone number on it, so.Copy !req
234. I don't know
How I would hear back.Copy !req
235. Hey, wait, the head,
I gotta get down lower.Copy !req
236. There we go... medusa,
And then I go up.Copy !req
237. Look at that, Pretty damn cool.Copy !req
238. Oh, a man of mystery!Copy !req
239. Oh, go away, You evil greek guy!Copy !req
240. You have been curs-ed
By the evil medusa.Copy !req
241. You have been curs-ed!Copy !req
242. Hey, how would it be if I
Had to go to the bathroom?Copy !req
243. Whoo!Copy !req
244. I have a speech that
I would like to make.Copy !req
245. Go girl!Copy !req
246. Well, truth be told,Copy !req
247. This is the first party
I've ever been invited to.Copy !req
248. Aww...Copy !req
249. I'm sorry for...Copy !req
250. Shhh.Copy !req
251. I don't know steed Very well.Copy !req
252. But, my motto is,Copy !req
253. "Don't judge
A book by its cover."Copy !req
254. Okay, girl!Copy !req
255. Whoo!Copy !req
256. I was waiting to tonight
To tell you this,Copy !req
257. I decided this like
A week ago, that, um...Copy !req
258. Once you guys decide you
Wanna have children,Copy !req
259. I will sleep with steed,Copy !req
260. For as many times as it takes
To get me pregnant.Copy !req
261. Until I give birth
And give you that baby.Copy !req
262. 'Cause you deserve to be a mom,
You really frickin' do...Copy !req
263. I'm gonna tell you right now,
White people are crazy.Copy !req
264. Crazy and nasty.Copy !req
265. I'm really excited that
You guys are here today.Copy !req
266. And that you don't feel like
There's a competition.Copy !req
267. Oh, no, Not at all...Copy !req
268. It's not about a competition.Copy !req
269. Because we know who
The winner is in this room.Copy !req
270. And it's the one who's
Getting married.Copy !req
271. Son of a bitch, this guy
Is drunk as a skunk.Copy !req
272. Or high as a kite.Copy !req
273. Uh, friday night in reno.Copy !req
274. Put your hands where
I can see them!Copy !req
275. Hands where I can see them!Copy !req
276. Passenger, sit down.Copy !req
277. God damn it, steed.Copy !req
278. Steed, what the f...
Are you doing, man?Copy !req
279. Dangle.Copy !req
280. You been weaving
All over the road.Copy !req
281. You're driving like
A crazy person.Copy !req
282. Steed, step out of the
Vehicle, will you, please?Copy !req
283. Step on out, steed, God damn it.Copy !req
284. What are you doing
Tonight, steed?Copy !req
285. Uh, peyote... Mushrooms...Copy !req
286. Right, right.Copy !req
287. Some crystal meth...Copy !req
288. You did what?Copy !req
289. About 28 beers?Copy !req
290. Don't, don't...Copy !req
291. Okay, you got Some marijuana.Copy !req
292. That is some Good.Copy !req
293. Now, you know you can't...
What the, steed?Copy !req
294. Steed, that's like
A pound of marijuana.Copy !req
295. You got a.38...Copy !req
296. No, no, steed...Copy !req
297. Stop, stop... Stop, stop...Copy !req
298. You're overincriminating
Yourself.Copy !req
299. We don't have to See all this,Copy !req
300. We weren't even
Gonna pat ya down.Copy !req
301. God damn it, steed.Copy !req
302. We're gonna pretend
We didn't see that.Copy !req
303. No, hand out of Your pocket!Copy !req
304. Hand out of Your pocket!Copy !req
305. God damn it, steed!Copy !req
306. This is, uh...Copy !req
307. What are you doin'?Copy !req
308. That's brown heroin,
This is, uh...Copy !req
309. We weren't even Gonna search ya.Copy !req
310. I didn't even wanna know what
Was in your pocket, man.Copy !req
311. Be sure and keep
The cap on that.Copy !req
312. You're gettin' married...Copy !req
313. You're gettin' married Tomorrow.Copy !req
314. You just don't know
When to quit, do you?Copy !req
315. I realize,
I don't know when to...Copy !req
316. I've got some problems.Copy !req
317. Uh, going to the a.A.
Twelve step?Copy !req
318. You ain't doin' too good.Copy !req
319. Which step is the
Four pounds of marijuana?Copy !req
320. Which step is that?Copy !req
321. Steed, just cool off.Copy !req
322. Freeze.Copy !req
323. Travis? No, we got him...Copy !req
324. Travis, come here.Copy !req
325. Don't go nowhere.Copy !req
326. I, for one,
Am not gonna be the guy.Copy !req
327. Who takes clemmy's
Husband-to-be in.Copy !req
328. The night Before his nuptials.Copy !req
329. I'm not gonna do it.Copy !req
330. I'm not gonna do this
To that woman.Copy !req
331. We'll dump the stuff
And let him go, okay?Copy !req
332. We'll let him go?Copy !req
333. We're not gonna Let him drive.Copy !req
334. But we're gonna dump
The stuff and let him go.Copy !req
335. She ain't gonna do
No better, you're right.Copy !req
336. She ain't gonna do
No better than steed.Copy !req
337. He's no prize,
But neither is she, come on.Copy !req
338. Okay, steed, we talked it
Over and I just wanna...Copy !req
339. Ohh!Copy !req
340. God damn it, Are you... steed!Copy !req
341. Ahh!Copy !req
342. Oh, my god, Remember what we...Copy !req
343. What we did with this?Copy !req
344. Oh, my gosh, I totally remember.Copy !req
345. Don't give me attitude,
I am the maid of honor...Copy !req
346. Yeah, I know who you are
But this is my houseCopy !req
347. I'm givin' the party!Copy !req
348. Anybody want a... anybody
Want a hot cup of wang?Copy !req
349. Somebody at the door!Copy !req
350. How I look?Copy !req
351. It's the police!Copy !req
352. Um, uh, is it
A problem, officer?Copy !req
353. Yes, we have A noise complaint.Copy !req
354. Well, was we makin'
Too much noise?Copy !req
355. I don't think you was
Makin' enough noise!Copy !req
356. Yeah, baby! I'm the bride!Copy !req
357. Ladies, we are
The men of mantasia.Copy !req
358. You ready for some chocolate
Caramel sticks?Copy !req
359. You ready For some man meat?Copy !req
360. Hold on, Hold on...Copy !req
361. Jones?Copy !req
362. Hi, trudy.Copy !req
363. What you doin' here?Copy !req
364. Moonlighting.Copy !req
365. Listen, hey, I don't need you
Lookin' at me that way, okay?Copy !req
366. If you want another officer,
Fine, I'll go,Copy !req
367. I need the money, okay?Copy !req
368. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
369. Jonesy, officer, darling...
I paid for three strippers,Copy !req
370. I'm gonna have Three strippers!Copy !req
371. Let's get the party Started!Copy !req
372. Let's get The party started!Copy !req
373. Go jonesy, go jonesy,
Go jonesy...Copy !req
374. On the right, On the right!Copy !req
375. Whooo!Copy !req
376. Whoo, whoo, whoa!Copy !req
377. Do babies need Their bottle?Copy !req
378. Ooh!Copy !req
379. Oh! Oh, yeah.Copy !req
380. Just wanna thank
You all for coming out.Copy !req
381. On this egregious occasion.Copy !req
382. I'm a straight-shootin' cowboy,
You all know that.Copy !req
383. I've partied With many of you,Copy !req
384. Oftentimes 'til four a.M.
Shootin' down shots of "jage".Copy !req
385. Uh, clemmie, Love of my life.Copy !req
386. Always wanna be in
A semi-monogamous
Relationship with you.Copy !req
387. Uh, lookin' forward to it.Copy !req
388. Uh...Copy !req
389. Tits looks great.Copy !req
390. That's all I got.Copy !req
391. Clementine.Copy !req
392. I love you, and um,Copy !req
393. When one dynamic person
Meets another dynamic person.Copy !req
394. It's like a whole
Lot of dynamite.Copy !req
395. And I promise that, um,Copy !req
396. I will stay in this marriage
Until we both agree.Copy !req
397. That we don't
Wanna do it anymore.Copy !req
398. I love you.Copy !req
399. With this ring...Copy !req
400. I don't know How it ends.Copy !req
401. If there be any here,
Whatsoever,Copy !req
402. Who knows of a reason
That this man and woman.Copy !req
403. Should not be joined
In holy matrimony,Copy !req
404. Speak now,
Or forever hold your peace.Copy !req
405. Then, by the power vested in me
By the state of nevada,Copy !req
406. I now pronounce you
Husband and wife.Copy !req
407. You may now... Well, there ya go.Copy !req
408. Whoo! All right!Copy !req
409. We're married!Copy !req
410. They ain't gonna Make it, mm-mm.Copy !req
411. Can we go, or what?Copy !req
412. Yeah, let's go.Copy !req
413. Hey, don't come at me
With this attitude,Copy !req
414. Like, "I'm gonna judge."Copy !req
415. What I'm doing here
Is none of your business.Copy !req
416. But I got my cat, mr. Paws.Copy !req
417. And I'm gonna make sweet love
To this young lady.Copy !req
418. And mr. Paws gonna watch 'cause
That's an extension of myself.Copy !req
419. And that's legal,
Because that's my choice!Copy !req
420. Girl, what happened to you,
Did steed do this to you?Copy !req
421. Yes, he did, but you should
See what I did to him.Copy !req
422. He's in the hospital with his
Jaw wired shut, it's all good.Copy !req
423. Oh, my god.Copy !req
424. Are you all right?Copy !req
425. I'm fine, I'm fine.Copy !req
426. I mean, we forgot
To get a license.Copy !req
427. So we were never really
Married, so, it's fine.Copy !req
428. Clemmy's back and she's single
And it's all good.Copy !req
429. Captioning made possible by
comedy central.Copy !req
430. Adolf hitler Was not gay, okay?Copy !req
431. I heard that he was.Copy !req
432. He loved wagner And he was gay.Copy !req
433. He also had one ball, They say.Copy !req
434. And, he was jewish.Copy !req
435. Yeah, oh yeah.Copy !req
436. And he had one ball... I think.Copy !req
437. That might be
Just from the song.Copy !req
438. No, he really Had one ball.Copy !req
439. No, he only had one ball, it's
In the museum of tolerance now.Copy !req
440. No, it's not.Copy !req
441. Hitler's ball?Copy !req
442. Where else Would it be?Copy !req
443. They put hitler's ball in
The museum of tolerance?Copy !req
444. You gotta know where to...
You gotta ask the fella.Copy !req
445. And he'll let you
In the back room.Copy !req