Reno 911! 1x5

Directed by Michael Patrick Jann

Nick Swardson as Terry Bernadino • Andrew Bowen as Redneck with Nunchucks • Daniele Gaither as Chandra • Murray SawChuck as Magician • Nat Faxon as Milk Shake

Garcia makes a bad racist joke around Jones leading to Jones' suspension for punching Garcia. To his dismay, Jones has to work crossing-guard duty. He later learns that crossing-guard duty is better than he thought it would be. Garcia is also affected by the incident when he has to pair up with Weigel.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. How you doin' today, ma'am?

2. I'm gonna need to have you

3. step out the car for me for a second...

4. Oh!

5. Oh-ho-ho-ho!

6. Oh!

7. Oh ho, oh, ho-ho!

8. Aggghhhh!

9. Here you go... Lal-la, yeah...

10. 2-3, Roger, Roger!

11. Shots fired!

12. Oh-ho-ho!

13. And, as many of you know,

14. deputy Jones has been suspended by the board...

15. What?

16. For assaulting deputy Garcia.

17. I didn't hear about that.

18. Yes, Jones has been suspended.

19. He has been sent down to the gulag.

20. People, if you have a minute,

21. I'd stop by and visit him down in the gulag,

22. because, honestly, that is no picnic down there.

23. Most of them don't last five minutes.

24. No, those people are animals down there.

25. I, for one, hope he doesn't just quit.

26. Well, tell 'em why he hit you,

27. Garcia, before you get the kiss on the face.

28. Why are you making me, you know...

29. Say what you did, say what you did,

30. Jones hit you for no reason?

31. We were looking at a magazine.

32. It was one of them black/colored magazines,

33. and I said something about Halle Berry

34. being half polack and half black,

35. and a stupid joke about a V.C.R...

36. She steals them,

37. and she can't program them or something.

38. I thought it was just... boom!

39. Halle Berry's half polack?

40. She's half polack.

41. There has got to be a better half black/half polack joke.

42. How come he didn't get suspended,

43. and my jonesy got suspended?

44. I'm the one that got hit, that's why.

45. It's not entirely...

46. Hey, Jonesy. Hey, Jones.

47. You on your way down there?

48. Watch commander to the bridge, watch commander to the bridge...

49. Who's Garcia's partner today?

50. Not it. Not it. Not it.

51. Trudy.

52. What'd I win?

53. You're with Garcia, today.

54. We need to stop by my gynecologist

55. at 11:00 on the way.

56. Oh, Jesus Christ.

57. I just have to pick up some test results,

58. and I might get a pap smear, 'cause it has been six months.

59. Hey, if you have five minutes,

60. stop by and see Jones, seriously,

61. because it's a shame that one of our best officers

62. should be humiliated like that.

63. What are y'all Looking at?

64. Oh, what?

65. I hate white girls.

66. I've never been in one of these places before.

67. Eww, it's carpeted.

68. Sir, can I ask you to get off the...

69. Hey, ho, hey!

70. Get down from there.

71. Hey!

72. You like that, don't you?

73. No, I don't, sir, get off the pole.

74. Get off the stage. Sir, get down.

75. Don't fight the feeling...

76. Sir, okay, do you want some stick time?

77. Do you want...

78. Sir, don't flip that! Don't flip that!

79. James, make him stop!

80. Don't swing on that pole, okay?

81. I'm gonna come down there and physically remove you.

82. Do not tempt me, sir.

83. You gonna hide behind that badge and that gun there,

84. or are you gonna show me that you're a real man?

85. Sir, don't...

86. You want me to take off the badge, sir?

87. Okay, okay, hide-and-seek's over, sir.

88. You think you can take me on with that cane, old man?

89. All right...

90. Adiós, pistola, right there.

91. Just me and you, boy.

92. Sir, trust me... Sir, I think...

93. Aii! Oh!

94. Son of a bitch.

95. Wiegel, goddamn it, hey, hey!

96. Why don't you dance now,

97. Aah! Son of a bitch!

98. Aah, damn it! Aah!

99. Call for help!

100. Help!

101. Use your... Use your goddamn radio!

102. Help!

103. Oh, son of bitch, oh!

104. I myself have had many "daydreams"

105. about punching Garcia, myself.

106. Um, I've actually had "daydreams"

107. about "stabbing" Garcia...

108. In the "daytime"...

109. "In front of people."

110. Oh, dear, dear, dear, there he is.

111. Hey, Terry, sheriff's department.

112. How you doin'?

113. Hey, guys! Hey!

114. What's going down?

115. Well, I'll tell you what's going down, Terry.

116. You know that they've installed a camera here

117. at this red light here?

118. Oh my God!

119. Yeah, and it takes a picture

120. whenever anybody runs a red light.

121. Oh, that is awesome, that's like the future.

122. It is awesome.

123. So you know why we're here, don't you?

124. Why? Was there a fire?

125. You've been charging three bucks.

126. You run up when the car's at the red light,

127. and you give a H.J. during the red light.

128. Oh, my God... That sounds...

129. That's not something that I would ever do.

130. No, except, that we got about, uh...

131. We got about 38 photographs of you,

132. and that's only last night.

133. I can see how you would think that,

134. but I sell oranges.

135. You sell oranges?

136. You sell oranges?

137. Mm-hmm.

138. I'll take some.

139. I'm sold out, I sold out of my oranges.

140. I run out and people are, like, "beep, beep," and I go, "okay,"

141. and they are driving,

142. and so I just put it in their lap.

143. Well...

144. I don't know about that.

145. You put an orange in their lap?

146. Come on, Terry...

147. I can't do that, I have to call my girlfriend.

148. Listen, I don't even know what you're talking about.

149. We're talking about you giving hand jobs three bucks a pop

150. at this red light up here.

151. That's what we're talking about.

152. A hand job is still a job, okay?

153. Come on, easy does it.

154. Xanadu it right into the car, now.

155. You Xana-don't it.

156. Did he just say "Xana-don't it" to me?

157. I think so, yeah.

158. Although, Garcia does say a lot of stupid things,

159. and we hear all of them,

160. um, he's always saying stupid things, okay?

161. So you can't... you gotta get used to that, all right?

162. And you have to kind of ignore it.

163. I hear Garcia saying something racist or something anti-women

164. and I just turn it off,

165. and it's just, "blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah-blah."

166. Like, I... probably, like, what a dog hears.

167. Exactly.

168. Well, that's what a dog says, that's not what a dog hears.

169. So I'm here to visit officer Jones today,

170. thought I'd come by

171. and bring him a little care package.

172. He's working crosswalk duty this week,

173. and I know he's probably really down,

174. so I thought I'd come and cheer him up,

175. 'cause I know I'd be upset

176. if I had to work with these little bastards

177. all day long, so...

178. Ready? Okay.

179. Up, down, yes.

180. Yeah, and, then, little spirity...

181. Yeah, open palm and spirit.

182. Well, I wish I had my camera.

183. I wish I had my camera, Mr. Jones.

184. Take care, bye, sweetie.

185. Oh, someone's being bad, who's a bad boy?

186. You don't need to judge me here, okay?

187. I'm not judging you, I think it's cute.

188. I think it's adorable.

189. Thanks for showing up, I'm glad you came by.

190. You're welcome, you're welcome.

191. Look, if you want cheerleading outfits,

192. I've got nothing but cheerleading outfits.

193. Oh, do you?

194. Yeah, and I can do the splits all three ways.

195. You know... All three ways.

196. Right, left, middle.

197. I don't even have to get up from the ground,

198. and I can do, on my right leg,

199. splits up against the wall,

200. so just keep that under your hat.

201. I will, thank you, I'm glad you showed up.

202. You got beer and... I miss you.

203. You do? Yeah?

204. I miss you too.

205. This is sad.

206. I'm looking at an ebony statue in tangerine,

207. and it makes me wanna cry 'cause it's...

208. It's, uh, you're not living up to your potential.

209. We want you back, you know?

210. Well, thank you for the beer.

211. Thank you for the sunblock and sandwiches.

212. I've got a half an hour.

213. You want to, uh...

214. You wanna do it? Yeah.

215. Okay.

216. I do, let's go.

217. There's a port-o-potty, like, down the street.

218. Yeah... Let's just do it in the car.

219. No day is ever too busy to stop in

220. and get the hook-up, huh?

221. You can't fight crime if you ain't cute.

222. Hey, people! What's up?

223. Raineesha, girl, what's up?

224. How are you, baby?

225. I'm so glad you could squeeze me in.

226. Yes, I will, of course, squeeze you in.

227. Of course, squeeze you, girl.

228. Hey, girlfriend! Whoo-whoo!

229. Dangle?

230. Yeah, I'm kicking it at chandra's.

231. Well, what you doin' here?

232. I asked you where's the best place,

233. and you told me where's the best place,

234. and here I am.

235. I'm surprised.

236. I mean, I didn't expect to see you.

237. She's the best.

238. Well, y'all hurry it on up, then, I guess.

239. Wait a second.

240. Um, hello, um, uh, when did Parker posey

241. become a crackhead?

242. Who Parker posey?

243. Right there.

244. You know, black women, we dress.

245. A black girl dressed like that, they'd pick you up.

246. Speaking of married five times,

247. you know who's coming up next year?

248. Liza!

249. White women age bad.

250. White women age real bad.

251. Hello, hello, lock it on up, Jack.

252. I got an appointment I got to keep,

253. gotta go see my man.

254. Going to see Jones, I told you.

255. What, he said he was gonna see somebody name of Jones.

256. That's what he said.

257. When he came in, he said, "yeah, girl, hook me up.

258. "I'm going to see Jones.

259. I gotta look right, get my highlights redone."

260. Are you talking about Jonesy? My Jones?

261. Yeah, that's what he said when he came in... Jones.

262. Jones, that was the name you said, right?

263. Jones?

264. I know it was Jones, you said Jones.

265. This is burning a little bit.

266. Oh, do you have a tender head?

267. Sheena, go put him under the shampoo bowl.

268. I'm burning a little bit, I'm burning a little bit.

269. Are you telling me that he said to you

270. that he was gonna get all pulled together

271. to go see my Jones?

272. Uh-huh.

273. Rent a billboard.

274. Why don't you rent a billboard, chandra?

275. Good afternoon.

276. Where you going to in such a hurry?

277. I'm... I'm doing a magic show.

278. I'm an entertainer, I do magic.

279. Okay, so you need to swerve all over the road

280. to do that, sir?

281. I was in a little bit of a hurry.

282. You been drinking?

283. Uh, no.

284. Let me see your eyes.

285. Can you please take those off,

286. so I can see your eyes,

287. so I can believe you for two seconds?

288. Okay, so we can do this the easy way

289. or we can do this the hard way.

290. Is there anything you want to tell me about in your pockets

291. or elsewhere on your body before I frisk you?

292. Or you wanna just admit to it right now at your...

293. I mean, I don't really...

294. Any weapons I should know about?

295. Cards.

296. Put it on the top of the car.

297. One of my balls.

298. Silk.

299. On top of the car, please.

300. There's your other ball.

301. I was a magician's assistant for many years,

302. and that's gross.

303. We're not gonna talk about that now.

304. Just put that on top of the car.

305. Let's get this going... rubber chicken.

306. It's... it's... It's a...

307. On top of the car, I don't want your...

308. I don't want your crotch flowers.

309. On top of the car!

310. Ahh!

311. And that's all I got, ma'am.

312. Now, you've wasted a lot of time.

313. Are you sure there's nothing else?

314. Nothing you wanna tell me, huh?

315. Nothing you wanna tell me?

316. Rock cocaine, a little rock cocaine.

317. Huh? Huh?

318. Oh, wasting my time, and now I'm annoyed.

319. All right, you're going to jail.

320. No, no, it's not...

321. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

322. This isn't gonna work with me, ma'am.

323. This isn't gonna...

324. I'm telling you, it's not gonna work.

325. Get in the car.

326. Get in the car, and you better cooperate.

327. You want your watch back?

328. Get in the car!

329. Here, you can have your watch back.

330. Thank you! You're welcome.

331. Nice! Unh-unh!

332. Go that way, pal.

333. Unh-unh.

334. Under reconstruction over here, okay?

335. Keep going.

336. I don't think there was any real reason

337. for Jones to hit Garcia,

338. 'cause Garcia's a man who's already down, you know?

339. Garcia ain't got, uh, uh...

340. Friends.

341. He lives in a little apartment.

342. He, uh, don't have no family that I know of.

343. He, uh, ain't got no taste, he's racist, he's a sexist.

344. He's a lying, bigot, horse's ass.

345. I think, uh, you know, hitting him

346. is just throwing on top of a big pile

347. that's already got too much in it.

348. Jones can't... He can't quit.

349. He just can't. Absolutely not.

350. He's the glue holding our...

351. We're like a little, badly made birdhouse.

352. I mean, the only thing holding this birdhouse together

353. is Jones.

354. You two are not... You are not her mother.

355. They have, like, a show where...

356. Hey. Hey!

357. Y'all driving that green Honda?

358. You about to get a ticket 'cause I'm about to write it.

359. Take care, Kim, I got your number, okay?

360. Hey, how you doin'?

361. I got your number.

362. Hey, what you got? Something smells good.

363. I thought you might be hungry.

364. Had some meatloaf last night, bam!

365. Mmm! That's Raineesha's meatloaf.

366. That's what that is.

367. Ask Raineesha what this is.

368. What is it?

369. It's a little gift for your desk

370. when you come on back, huh?

371. Rae, I'm not gonna... I'm not...

372. I'm not coming back.

373. What you mean you're not coming back?

374. Why?

375. Look at where I am.

376. I am having a great time out here.

377. I'm out in God's country.

378. I'm giving back to the community.

379. The children are our future,

380. and I am giving back to the community.

381. Come on, now, come on, now.

382. You come on back,

383. I'm gonna give you your present now as incentive.

384. Bam!

385. All about Raineesha, huh?

386. She took it right here, unh!

387. I know you needs to see that, huh?

388. Holler, you come on back.

389. You think about that.

390. Okay, all right, thank you, Rae.

391. All right, I'll see you when you get back.

392. I'm not coming back.

393. My job as an officer

394. is to make sure you kids are safe.

395. But truth be told, I can't be everywhere at once.

396. I don't care if you're wearing a short skirt.

397. I don't care if you're wearing dungarees.

398. I don't care if you smell bad.

399. I don't care if you're fun to be around.

400. But you can be rest assured that every one of you

401. at some point...

402. Is gonna raped.

403. It happens, hey... I'm not happy about it,

404. but there is some good news.

405. Can you imagine... you go to your doctor and you say,

406. "I've been raped,"

407. and he goes, "oh my God, that's horrible,"

408. and then he says, "but guess what?

409. "Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

410. "You're pregnant...

411. And you're having triplets."

412. Oh my God!

413. And then I go, "oh my God,"

414. and I freak out and I call everybody.

415. That didn't happen to me.

416. That hasn't happened to me, yet.

417. You girls should be in school.

418. Hey, bud!

419. Hey. Hey.

420. Uh, sorry, excuse me.

421. Miss carver, this is lieutenant dangle.

422. Dangle, this is miss carver.

423. She teaches algebra at the high school.

424. Um...

425. Yes... Yes, she does.

426. Um...

427. I got you a bear.

428. "Come back, Jones."

429. Listen, I feel like an asshole,

430. take the bear, take it.

431. I feel like a.

432. No, I feel like an asshole.

433. I appreciate it.

434. Yeah, good luck with algebra, by the way.

435. Oh God, my bike, oh, me!

436. People are!

437. I was there for two minutes.

438. You better not be laughing at me!

439. You're all accessories!

440. Every one of you's an accessory!

441. Hey, look at this son of a bitch.

442. Look at this guy.

443. That poor, looks like a milk shake.

444. Why'd you throw that at him?

445. What?

446. Poor son of a bitch out there being a sandwich board.

447. I don't know why you have to be a dick.

448. What?

449. The guy's out there,

450. he's probably making like $3 an hour

451. to stand there dressed up like a.

452. - You! - You!

453. Hey! That son of a bitch.

454. Run... you run, Run!

455. Get down!

456. Son of a bitch, you better run!

457. Freeze! Freeze!

458. Freeze!

459. Yeah, you think you're tough? You think you're funny?

460. Do you think you're funny? Do you think you're funny?

461. Who's funny now, milk shake?

462. Huh, huh? Huh?

463. Turn that thing off.

464. Turn that off, now.

465. You're not rolling, now, are you?

466. Huh?

467. You're off, right?

468. Ow!

469. Oh, help, I can't get out!

470. Help me!

471. I'm stuck in here!

472. Bye, Amber, we'll see you.

473. Have a good weekend, okay, guys?

474. Hey...

475. How's it going, Jones?

476. I wanted to, uh, just say that I'm an idiot.

477. I was a real jackelope.

478. I got caught up in the heat of a joke,

479. and bad things happened,

480. and, uh, everybody down at the station, uh, misses you.

481. I miss you, and, uh... I would really like it

482. if we could be friends or partners again, and...

483. I wanted to make amends,

484. so I brought you something to eat.

485. Thank you.

486. Thank you, I know that was real hard

487. for you to say...

488. I did that right.

489. This is fried chicken and malt liquor.

490. I'll take off.

491. Yeah, yeah, I think you should...

492. Okay...

493. Should I take it? No.

494. What the hell is a pap smear, anyway?

495. A psychological test

496. where they test what do you see in the pap smear.

497. No, that's...

498. A pap smear is when they take some of your female juices,

499. and they put it on a clear glass thing,

500. and they put it up to the light

501. to see if you have crabs or syphilis

502. or anything like that.

503. Female juices? What is that?

504. You don't need no pap smear to know if you have crabs.

505. You know you got crabs.

506. You got the galloping dandruff going on.

507. I can't eat for a week, now, thank you.

508. Good, then we won't have to smell

509. your taco farts every day.