Reno 911! 1x3

Directed by Michael Patrick Jann

Toby Huss as Big Mike • Nick Swardson as Terry Bernadino • Bryan Shy as Pizza Delivery Guy • Mina Olivera as Best Looking Hooker • David Mattey as Really Tall Guy

Dangle and Junior try to win tickets to the Amy Grant concert off the radio by naming every Stephen Sondheim musical when they accidentally hit the back of a car (I know, Dangle seems to do that every episode.) At the morning roll call, Dangle announces that he has two passes to a public execution. The officers in the department have to be on the lookout for perps with specific features in a weird scavenger hunt. It concentrates for the rest of the episode the various ways the officers attempt to manipulate the hunt. Garcia ends up winning by bringing in an over 6'5"" Jewish crack head with a wig and a tattoo of a bird (being Jewish was double the points.) He takes the hooker that Williams had arrested to the execution, and all the other officers flip him off as he leaves.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Name every single musical by Stephen Sondheim

2. for two free tickets to the Amy grant concert

3. at the el dorado theater.

4. Oh, my God, that's such a gimme.

5. Hit the lights, let's find a phone.

6. That is so easy.

7. Into the woods, Sweeney Todd, company,

8. a little night music, merrily we roll along,

9. West Side story.

10. No, I thought Leonard Bernstein wrote West Side story.

11. Oh, no, no, he did, but the lyrics are actually by...

12. Oh! Oh...

13. I think we should all give

14. a great, big hand to Trudy Wiegel,

15. who did beautiful cover artwork

16. for our new "bomb threats" brochure.

17. Way to go, Trudy.

18. Did you do it on the computer, or you just drew it by...

19. Actually, I took it from

20. sparks' Sheriff Department "bomb threats."

21. I just photocopied it.

22. But I photo... I photocopied it.

23. Okay, next order of business.

24. We have received here at the department...

25. They are doing an execution of a convicted felon

26. down there in Carson city,

27. and we have received two passes to be eyewitnesses

28. to the execution of this... I don't know what he is.

29. He's a serial murderer or something.

30. Now, I know that... I know everybody wants these,

31. so we're gonna do it the way we generally do stuff like this,

32. and we're gonna do a scavenger hunt.

33. While you're out there fighting crime today,

34. keep on the lookout for a crackhead with a wig.

35. Uh, perp over 6'5", that's ten points.

36. Man with teats is five.

37. Best-looking hooker, 15.

38. Red foreign car, perp with an animal tattoo,

39. and, uh, double points if they're Jewish.

40. When we tally it all up,

41. whoever's got the most points gets the passes.

42. And, uh, don't be planting evidence.

43. They have to be a bona... Bona fide arrest, okay?

44. Jones?

45. Yeah, uh, lieutenant,

46. would you mind specifying "man with teats"?

47. I mean, technically, I guess, I'm a man with teats.

48. No, they gotta be bigger than Jones' to count.

49. You gotta be, really, at least like a "b" or "c" cup.

50. So as you book them, I'll tally them up.

51. And no cheating, no cheating, no cheating.

52. Getting two tickets to this execution is kinda like

53. getting two tickets right up front at nascar,

54. and you know that Jeff Gordon's gonna die.

55. It's ringing, okay.

56. Hello?

57. Hi, yes, could I get a pizza for delivery?

58. Mm-hmm.

59. I'm on Peckham and...

60. Neil.

61. Neil.

62. Near the Rec Center.

63. Near the Rec Center.

64. Complex, yeah.

65. Complex, yeah, the Rec Center complex.

66. Could I get a large pepperoni, mush.

67. Tell them, uh...

68. 15 minutes?

69. Yeah, could I get that in 15 minutes?

70. I'll give you an extra $20.

71. Never gonna make it.

72. It's about 47 miles from here.

73. Okay, great.

74. Thanks.

75. Cool, he's the guy, right?

76. He's the one.

77. He's the one.

78. Oh, there he is.

79. Flip on the old lights there.

80. Hey... slow down there.

81. Look at that, Mario in the pits.

82. Go, all right.

83. Oh.

84. How you doing today, sir?

85. Um, hi.

86. Hi, I need you to do three things for me.

87. Can you shut off your vehicle,

88. grab your license,

89. and step out of the car there, sir?

90. Okay, did I do something wrong?

91. Well, we got you for speeding there, buddy.

92. Whoa!

93. Let me see, whoa, yikes.

94. You're Phil?

95. Yes, yeah.

96. Okay, how tall are you, Phil 6'9"?

97. 6'9", yeah.

98. High up top.

99. Phil, are you a Jew?

100. Jew? No, no, no, no.

101. I swear.

102. No? Dammit.

103. Okay, well, pop on in there, Phil.

104. Pizza...

105. Yeah, we'll deliver that for you.

106. It's peckham and Neil, right?

107. Yeah, wait, how do you...

108. Well, that's where they always go.

109. Huh?

110. Okay, so we got him for speeding and...

111. Driving without a license.

112. Crackheads, crackheads.

113. Isn't one of your first cousins really super tall?

114. Yeah, but he just moved to Denver.

115. Yeah that's a bit of a haul.

116. Uncle Steve just moved to Denver.

117. He's your Uncle? I thought he was your first cousin.

118. No, no, no, well, it's both.

119. It's kind of a complicated thing.

120. His mom and my grandma...

121. Yeah, their stump runs pretty tight.

122. Uh... crackhead with a wig right there... boom.

123. No, regular lady.

124. Regular old lady.

125. Wait a second.

126. I don't wanna plant crack on her.

127. We could.

128. That's a wig, but I don't wanna plant crack on her.

129. Big Mike, big Mike!

130. Make a left up at this corner.

131. Big Mike's been bragging about getting

132. a brand-new tiger tattoo or something.

133. He's been talking about it all week long, yeah.

134. Oh, man, and if he has crack on him...

135. Yeah, he always has crack on him.

136. You think?

137. Yeah, yeah.

138. Oh, there he is, ba-boom, big Mike.

139. Captain of suspicious behavior.

140. Man with an animal tattoo.

141. Oh, five points.

142. Hey, Mike.

143. How you doing, big Mike? Sheriff's department.

144. How you doing, Mike?

145. Hey, you wanna put that hose down?

146. Hey, hey!

147. Put the hose down, Mike.

148. Put the hose down, Mike.

149. Whoa, whoa, whoa...

150. Illegal to fill up a pool?

151. No, no, put it down.

152. Don't freak out.

153. I'm not freaking out.

154. Hey, Mike, Mike!

155. Don't shoot the mailbox.

156. Mike, hey, hey, hey!

157. Mike, Mike!

158. I got him, I got him!

159. Get down!

160. Down on the ground!

161. Where's your tattoo there, Mike?

162. Where's your tattoo?

163. There it is, there it is!

164. That's a nice-looking dragon there you got there, Mike.

165. It's a panther.

166. That's a dragon.

167. Can you see it?

168. You thought it was a panther?

169. It's a panther.

170. No, that's a dragon.

171. My sister's shop...

172. She put it on and said it was a panther.

173. No, that's a dragon.

174. All right, now.

175. I'm gonna have to pat you down now, Mike.

176. It's a dragon, it ain't a panther.

177. Just put your hands there, and we gotta pat you down.

178. It ain't a panther?

179. We can't take him in just for the tattoo.

180. It's a dragon, I got a dragon?

181. Leave her alone.

182. We got a...

183. That's not illegal.

184. He's got $3, that's not illegal.

185. What am I getting charged with, man?

186. Watering the lawn and hanging out

187. and being peaceable and stuff and hanging out?

188. He did threaten us with the hose.

189. He almost sprayed us with a hose.

190. I got a dragon tattooed instead of a panther.

191. We gotta get something on him.

192. I'm gonna kill you, Brenda!

193. Hey, hey!

194. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

195. That's illegal, that's illegal.

196. You're not allowed to say that.

197. I'm not gonna kill her.

198. I'm just gonna her up.

199. No, you can't do that.

200. I'm sorry, Mike.

201. Well, uh, it is a dragon.

202. It's not a traditional animal

203. in the canon of animals, but, uh...

204. Five points.

205. It's a pretty good start, pretty good start.

206. I thought it was a panther.

207. If I win the scavenger hunt, okay,

208. and if I get those tickets to the execution,

209. you know, those have a market value of at least $300 apiece.

210. I'm selling them, I gotta get a refrigerator.

211. Yeah... all right.

212. Hey, hey, hey, ladies, hold on.

213. Everybody come back.

214. Huh? Come on, bring it on back.

215. Come on.

216. Let me get a good look at... you.

217. No, mm-mm.

218. You're a little bit too thick.

219. Sister, come here, come here.

220. Come stand right here.

221. Reason I can't pick you... See, you can't have that...

222. When the edges is in Africa and the back is in China,

223. them continents don't meet, huh?

224. Huh?

225. You go on and get you some hair that blends in.

226. Come here, come here.

227. You got potential.

228. Girls, it's your lucky day.

229. Y'all staying, she going.

230. Let's go, thataway.

231. Ciao?

232. Yeah, ciao?

233. Haha!

234. No, no, no, no, no, stand up.

235. Stand up straight.

236. Look, right here, right across here,

237. in your T-zone, you're kinda oily.

238. You understand what I'm saying?

239. My teeth?

240. No, not your teeth... T-zone!

241. All you need now is a beauty mark.

242. You know what that is?

243. No?

244. Beauty mark, mole, this right here.

245. Girl, will you please get off me about the sideburns?

246. You're not getting sideburns, no!

247. I said no! Now zip it.

248. If I win the scavenger hunt, I'm taking Jonesy,

249. officer Jones.

250. What? What's the look?

251. No look.

252. No look.

253. You were the one looking at me.

254. I'm just looking to see why you...

255. Seem like you staring daggers at me all of a sudden.

256. I wasn't staring daggers at you.

257. I was looking at you 'cause you were talking.

258. I don't think Jones would go with you, anyway.

259. He would.

260. He likes white chocolate, I think.

261. I know for a personal fact that Jones eats the dark piece

262. off the chicken, huh?

263. Huh?

264. And I've seen him...

265. Very close to some white breast meat.

266. You have not.

267. Yes, I have.

268. You have not.

269. On many occasions.

270. You have not!

271. On many occasions.

272. Please.

273. Come on over here and let me get a good look at you.

274. Oh...

275. Look at you.

276. Beautiful, Hollywood? Yes, whatever, it's beautiful.

277. Jennifer Lopez.

278. No, you ain't Jennifer Lopez, but you're beautiful.

279. You are, without a doubt, the best-looking hooker in Reno.

280. Now you're going to jail, get in the car.

281. Come on, we going down, here, put these on.

282. Red foreign car.

283. Five points for Trudy Wiegel.

284. Hello there, sir.

285. I'm gonna need to see a license and regi... crap.

286. I left it in neutral.

287. Oh,

288. Oh, crap.

289. Looked like he might've been a Jew, too,

290. A lot of people ask me, "how would you like to die, Garcia,

291. if you got the death penalty, if you got executed?"

292. I would like to be buried in dirt up to my neck

293. with my head sticking out

294. and have a cobra strike me right in the face,

295. 'cause I wanna see death coming at me.

296. I wanna feel the fangs going in.

297. I want to feel the venom pouring into my face.

298. And then watch the snake back away as I slowly fade away.

299. Oh, yeah.

300. Anyone who wants to die should be allowed to die.

301. For instance, if clemmy wanted me to kill her, I would.

302. I would do that for her.

303. Because it takes a village.

304. Yeah.

305. It's that sunny attitude that keeps the men away.

306. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

307. Hi.

308. Sir, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.

309. I... actually, could you step out of the car

310. with me for a second?

311. Thank you, I appreciate it.

312. Oh, no problem.

313. Wow, how tall are you?

314. I'm 6'10".

315. 6 feet, 10 inches?

316. Yes, ma'am.

317. Yes!

318. Uh, I'm afraid, um,

319. I'm afraid you're under arrest.

320. Why?

321. Uh, for picking up a hitchhiker.

322. You can't pick up a hitchhiker in the state of Nevada

323. or in the city of Reno.

324. It's illegal, so I'm gonna have to take you in.

325. If you wouldn't mind we took your car,

326. and I'll just ride in the passenger seat,

327. but don't try any funny stuff, buddy.

328. Might have to shoot you or something.

329. Wait, so I'm under arrest, and I have to drive?

330. Oh, man.

331. He's out there partying.

332. Ohh...

333. Friday night, my friend.

334. Maybe he's Jewish, looks kinda Jewish, don't he?

335. He does look Jewish, let's see.

336. No, no.

337. Hi, sheriff's department.

338. How you doing tonight, sir?

339. How you doing tonight, sir?

340. Impressive.

341. Sir, do you speak English, sir?

342. Yes, I speak English.

343. You speak English?

344. Hello.

345. Hello, how do you do? Sir, do you have any attire?

346. Uh, what happened to all your attire, sir...

347. Your pants, clothing?

348. The pants is no more... No more pants.

349. Well, that's abundantly clear.

350. Very, very hot.

351. It's a cold night in the biggest little city in the world.

352. Sir, you're high.

353. Have you taken drugs?

354. Well, I was looking for... I lost my cell phone, too.

355. If you see my cell phone, let me know.

356. What's your name, sir?

357. Hrair.

358. Hello?

359. Hrair.

360. Harod?

361. H- r - a - I - r.

362. Your name starts with an "h" and then an "r"?

363. Hrair Mnukien.

364. Mnukien?

365. Are you Armenian?

366. Yes, how you know? Are you Armenian?

367. No, do I look Armenian to you, sir?

368. Where'd you get the... where'd you get the ecstasy, sir?

369. My brother.

370. Your brother?

371. You have any more gum?

372. You got some gum.

373. You have gum in your mouth, sir.

374. No more flavor.

375. Okay, tell you what we're gonna do.

376. We're gonna drive to jail, and then when we get to jail,

377. if you're good, you get the gum.

378. Okay, Hrair?

379. You're very nice street-cleaning policemen.

380. Something's ringing in here.

381. Oh, my God, look at that.

382. Hello?

383. Okay.

384. That was like some MacGyver.

385. We were able to figure that damn thing out.

386. A little crime solving there.

387. Couldn't find the pants, called the phone in the pants.

388. There's one for father dowling, huh?

389. Oh, man, it's almost 11:00, we gotta get back to the station.

390. All right, all right.

391. Tyler time.

392. I wish he was a Jew.

393. Moment of truth, moment of truth, here we go.

394. And without further ado,

395. the winner is Raineesha Williams, 25 points.

396. Gimme the tickets, gimme the tickets.

397. Hey, whoa, hope I'm not too late.

398. Hope I'm not too late.

399. What does Garcia have here?

400. I believe I have a crackhead with a wig, five points.

401. I believe you're over 6'5", that's 15 points.

402. We got a perp with an animal tattoo.

403. That's gonna be another five.

404. I don't believe this.

405. Look at that, let's get it on up there.

406. Let me Stan out of the way here.

407. See that? That's a bird.

408. That's 20 points, ladies and gentlemen.

409. Hello, hello, Mr. Winner!

410. I got 25 points.

411. That's not enough. That's not enough.

412. You know what? I almost forgot.

413. The pièce de résistance.

414. Look at that, star of Daniel.

415. Look at that, 20 x 2 is 40.

416. I believe that makes me the winner by 15 points.

417. Thank you very much.

418. That don't prove nothing, that's just a thing.

419. Oh, yeah, Jeff Greenberg on his driver's license.

420. Jeff Greenberg, read it.

421. Garcia wins, Garcia wins.

422. So, clemmy, you and me, baby, what do you say, huh?

423. I wouldn't go to that execution with you, Garcia,

424. if a unicorn flew out of my butt crack

425. because that is a fresh tattoo.

426. It's bleeding.

427. Get out, Garcia, don't nobody wanna go.

428. Get out.

429. I'm gonna go by myself then, I'll find somebody.

430. I'll find somebody, don't worry about it.

431. They better find some crack on that... thing.

432. That tattoo on that woman.

433. He's going to jail.

434. Hey, beautiful.

435. Yes, for you, I got that for you.

436. That's my hooker, Garcia.

437. Don't wave at me now, girl, I made you.

438. You're gonna like this, whoa, whoa!

439. Careful, right?

440. We're speaking the same language.

441. Punk ass.

442. I do not believe this.

443. You like going downtown?

444. You look beautiful.

445. I gotta move the seat up.

446. Oh, what the hell.

447. I'll give her a shot anyways.

448. So what do you think about a burger or something

449. before we go?

450. Drive safe!

451. Ohh...

452. Wait, wait, wait.

453. Welcome to benihana.

454. That's what we make at Benihana's.

455. Attention, everybody, it is now adult skate.

456. If you want to see some stuff,

457. there was a guy with a flamethrower

458. at the meat and produce store.

459. He had a flamethrower.

460. It was horrifying.

461. I was there... This was earlier...

462. He probably might still be there.

463. He was walking around, and he grabbed this woman's baby,

464. and he held it up with a flamethrower.

465. And he's like, "I'm gonna burn this baby, everybody!"

466. And everybody was like, "don't!"

467. I started crying, it was so scary.

468. Step down out of that truck for me, if you would.

469. What is a hand job?

470. You've never given or received a hand job before?

471. I don't know, what is it?

472. You're a 40-year-old woman who's never heard of a hand job?

473. I can believe that.

474. Put it in context.

475. What job can your hand do?

476. She's never... Never done it either.

477. What did you think a hand job was?

478. I knew, I knew.

479. What on Earth...

480. That's what I thought it was.