1. It says, "praise Allah!"Copy !req
2. Good morning!Copy !req
3. We are from the department
of homeland security.Copy !req
4. My name is
captain Duane Hernandez.Copy !req
5. This is my assistant,
lieutenant susie Kim.Copy !req
6. In one week, you will be given
an exam on homeland security,Copy !req
7. and you will all pass.Copy !req
8. The chemicals wash down
the body,Copy !req
9. flowing away
from the vital organs.Copy !req
10. I'm dirty.
I want to go in there.Copy !req
11. I'm sort of more studying Duane
and his physiqueCopy !req
12. than I have so much the
terrorist aspect of things.Copy !req
13. Go. Go, go, go, go.Copy !req
14. Well, we've been smelling
this noxious fume all day.Copy !req
15. I think what we've got
is bioterrorism.Copy !req
16. We all in the same ballpark?Copy !req
17. We're gonna need a Hazmat team.Copy !req
18. Call Washington.Copy !req
19. oh, my god!Copy !req
20. Oh-ho! ohh-h-h!Copy !req
21. Aah! aah! Aah!Copy !req
22. Hey, dog. Yeah.Copy !req
23. Ho! ho! Ho!Copy !req
24. Wiegel, I need a visual
surveillance of the perimeterCopy !req
25. and all the quadrants.Copy !req
26. We need the Hazmat team.Copy !req
27. What we need to do
is call Washington.Copy !req
28. I will get on the phone
with Washington.Copy !req
29. Guys, it's just a skunk.Copy !req
30. Damn it.Copy !req
31. Confirmation... skunk.Copy !req
32. Air quality bad. Let's get down.Copy !req
33. We're gonna fill it up with
water from the fire hoseCopy !req
34. and flood him out.Copy !req
35. No, that only happens
in cartoons, Garcia.Copy !req
36. The best way to draw it out is
to pretend like we're sleeping.Copy !req
37. The skunk's gonna want to come
out as if... so he can leave,Copy !req
38. and then as soon as...
We pounce on him.Copy !req
39. Let's just shoot it.Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. We've all got guns.
I don't know why we...Copy !req
42. Oh, oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
43. Captain.Copy !req
44. What's the situation?Copy !req
45. There's a skunk, sir.
There's a skunk.Copy !req
46. A skunk? Yes.Copy !req
47. Okay. What do you propose
to do about it?Copy !req
48. Well, I proposed that we get
in there and shoot it...Copy !req
49. Kill it.Copy !req
50. Let me ask a question.
This is open to anyone.Copy !req
51. Are you familiar with the
concept of yin and Yang?Copy !req
52. Yeah, there's the black thing
and the white thing,Copy !req
53. and they kind of look
like sperm.Copy !req
54. Very good. Very good.Copy !req
55. There is a positive and
a negative in life,Copy !req
56. and sometimes you capture...Copy !req
57. You capture more with honey
than with violence.Copy !req
58. Do you understand?Copy !req
59. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
60. It's a skunk.Copy !req
61. Is it striped?Copy !req
62. It's striped.Copy !req
63. It's a striped skunk?Copy !req
64. She's female... in estrus.Copy !req
65. She's just being frisky,
that's all.Copy !req
66. There's no need to shoot it.Copy !req
67. I... I apologize.Copy !req
68. It's okay.Copy !req
69. Give me five.Copy !req
70. Push-ups.Copy !req
71. Five.Copy !req
72. You're a good man.Copy !req
73. thank you, Duane.Copy !req
74. Shh.Copy !req
75. Wow, huh?Copy !req
76. That's Duane.Copy !req
77. I've been really impressedCopy !req
78. with the conduct of the
homeland security officers.Copy !req
79. Duane Hernandez.Copy !req
80. I look at that man,Copy !req
81. and I want to put on an apron
and fry up some eggs,Copy !req
82. and I want to learn everything
he has to teach.Copy !req
83. "Teach me, teacher.
Take me to school.Copy !req
84. Let me serve detention."Copy !req
85. I will follow him
wherever he goes.Copy !req
86. I will hit that
before he leaves.Copy !req
87. Oh, hell.Copy !req
88. How you doing?Copy !req
89. I'm doing okay.Copy !req
90. How are you?Copy !req
91. I'm not so good,Copy !req
92. 'cause you were weaving
all over the road there.Copy !req
93. Can we get one thing straight?
I have not been drinking.Copy !req
94. Right hand to the nose...Copy !req
95. Yeah.Copy !req
96. with the left hand
and back out.Copy !req
97. I need you to recite
the alphabetCopy !req
98. from "z" to "a" backwards
as fast as you can.Copy !req
99. From "z" to "a"? Sure.Copy !req
100. Uh...Copy !req
101. Z...Copy !req
102. Y...Copy !req
103. X, w, v, u, t, s, r, q,
p, o, n, m, I, k, j,Copy !req
104. I, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a.Copy !req
105. All right.Copy !req
106. Remarkable.Copy !req
107. I've actually never seen
anybody do that.Copy !req
108. Oh, my bladder is full.Copy !req
109. I'm not worried about your
bladder right now, okay?Copy !req
110. All right.Copy !req
111. You've got
pretty good balance there.Copy !req
112. I want you to step, bump,
step, bump-bump,Copy !req
113. step, bump, step, bump-bump.Copy !req
114. 5, 6, 7, 8.Copy !req
115. Step, bump, step, bump-bump,Copy !req
116. step, bump, step, bump-bump.Copy !req
117. Pas de barré, kick-ball-change,
step, clap.Copy !req
118. 5, 6, 7, 8.Copy !req
119. You know what would be goodCopy !req
120. is if you kicked and then
you kind of... did thatCopy !req
121. and then a barrel turn
and then... ha!Copy !req
122. You know?Copy !req
123. That was good.Copy !req
124. That was really good.Copy !req
125. You a dancer?Copy !req
126. No. No, no, no.Copy !req
127. I'm just drunk.Copy !req
128. Ahhhhh! ahhhhh!Copy !req
129. Up against the vehicle
right now, sir.Copy !req
130. You are going to jail.Copy !req
131. Susie Kim.Copy !req
132. Susie Kim,
the homeland security officer.Copy !req
133. Phew!Copy !req
134. Man.Copy !req
135. Don't do that.
You don't know her.Copy !req
136. Can I ask you a question?Copy !req
137. Yeah, sure, of course.Copy !req
138. You can ask me anything, susie.Copy !req
139. So...Copy !req
140. So, what is it with the shorts?Copy !req
141. Um, is it...Copy !req
142. I mean, c-c-can...Copy !req
143. You don't mind me asking?Copy !req
144. No, no, I, uh...Copy !req
145. Can your ass breathe in it,
'cause it just seems so...Copy !req
146. I wear them for maneuverability,Copy !req
147. but you think they're silly,
don't you?Copy !req
148. No, no. You know what it is?Copy !req
149. The shorts are kind of silly.Copy !req
150. They're not silly at all.
They're not.Copy !req
151. You, just being as fit
as you are...Copy !req
152. I think you should let
your ass breatheCopy !req
153. because it's such a nice ass.Copy !req
154. With some slacks, you think?Copy !req
155. Yeah.Copy !req
156. You know, I have, you know...Copy !req
157. I have long pants. I just, um...Copy !req
158. I'd like to see that sometime.Copy !req
159. Look at me.Copy !req
160. I'm... dressed
like a goddamn clown.Copy !req
161. I sure would like a hottie
like that, uh...Copy !req
162. What's her name? Susie...Copy !req
163. Uh, Mrs. Lieutenant susie Kim.Copy !req
164. Yeah. Hell, yeah.Copy !req
165. I saw her making eyes for me.Copy !req
166. I think their eyes
are always like that.Copy !req
167. Captain Duane Hernandez has
taught me a lot of things.Copy !req
168. He's taught me that I look best
in red lips,Copy !req
169. that I can wear smoky
eye-shadow shades,Copy !req
170. that it's okay
to wear push-up bras.Copy !req
171. But I haven't learned a whole
lot about homeland security.Copy !req
172. I'm afraid I'm definitely gonna
blow the test.Copy !req
173. But, uh, I'm gonna look great
doing it.Copy !req
174. You pull into a parking lot.Copy !req
175. There is a foreign object
unattended.Copy !req
176. In this case,
it's a piece of luggage.Copy !req
177. What do you do?Copy !req
178. The clock is ticking, people.Copy !req
179. If it's at a mall,Copy !req
180. you would take it to the
information deskCopy !req
181. and see if there's a reward.
If there is, then collect it.Copy !req
182. If it's in a supermarket,
just leave it there.Copy !req
183. It's probably
for a homeless person.Copy !req
184. No.Copy !req
185. Williams.Copy !req
186. I got it. Okay.Copy !req
187. You shout out,
"hey, who forgot their bag?"Copy !req
188. No, Williams,
you do not shout out,Copy !req
189. "hey, who forgot their bag?"Copy !req
190. If someone shows up...
No, it's not a raffle.Copy !req
191. Jones?Copy !req
192. I didn't have...
I didn't raise my hand.Copy !req
193. Dangle?Copy !req
194. I don't know how or where
you get them,Copy !req
195. but I believe there are robots
for this.Copy !req
196. Who has those?Copy !req
197. Radio shack.Copy !req
198. If you're at the mall,
you don't even have to call.Copy !req
199. Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
200. You're calling someone.Copy !req
201. You're on the right track.Copy !req
202. Robot squad. No robot squad!Copy !req
203. That's horribly wrong!Copy !req
204. This is maybe a little right.
You're over there!Copy !req
205. You took a bus!
You took a transfer!Copy !req
206. You went over there somewhere!Copy !req
207. Yeah. Uh, we are, uh...
We're ready.Copy !req
208. We've been studying, right?
We've been studying.Copy !req
209. We made some flash cards
for the test.Copy !req
210. We are getting ready
for the test...Copy !req
211. The homeland security test.Copy !req
212. Um... we tried to study
last night,Copy !req
213. ended up watching TV
and having some beers,Copy !req
214. and, uh...Copy !req
215. Tonight we really have to
buckle down.Copy !req
216. We're gonna buckle down.Copy !req
217. But a short answer
to your question...Copy !req
218. If terrorism hits Reno,
no, we're pretty muchCopy !req
219. got a call about a disturbance.Copy !req
220. She's disturbed.Copy !req
221. T.t. T.T., what you doing?Copy !req
222. Hi. Remember me?Copy !req
223. T.t., you doing some shopping?Copy !req
224. I'm buying everybody a beer
'cause I won the lotto.Copy !req
225. Let's go shopping outside,Copy !req
226. because everything out there...Copy !req
227. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
228. Damn it, t.T.!Copy !req
229. Whoo-whoo!Copy !req
230. Get back here!Copy !req
231. T.t., I'm not playing with you.Copy !req
232. I am not playing with you, girl.Copy !req
233. T.t.!Copy !req
234. Ma'am, just stay put.
Just stay put.Copy !req
235. Everybody stay put.Copy !req
236. I got a t.T. Situation here
at the Virginia street market.Copy !req
237. T.t. Thinks she won the lottery.Copy !req
238. I need you here right now.
Thank you.Copy !req
239. Go, go, go. Nothing to see.Copy !req
240. Give me my stick.
Where's my stick?Copy !req
241. Right here. Come on.Copy !req
242. We're gonna get you
another ticket.Copy !req
243. Don't throw punches at me, t.T.Copy !req
244. Don't throw punches at me.Copy !req
245. No, t.T., t.T., t.T. Jones.Copy !req
246. You want to date a woman
with money?Copy !req
247. Whoo!Copy !req
248. Want to date a woman
that got paid?Copy !req
249. Oh, god, no.Copy !req
250. Well, this is
a California ticket.Copy !req
251. What you talkin' 'bout?Copy !req
252. That's California.
Where'd you get that?Copy !req
253. You didn't win the lottery.Copy !req
254. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!Copy !req
255. Aw, geez here we go!Copy !req
256. Damn!Copy !req
257. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!Copy !req
258. All right.Copy !req
259. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!Copy !req
260. T.t., act like a lady.Copy !req
261. Act like a lady.Copy !req
262. Who's putting this away?Copy !req
263. Williams, dangle,Copy !req
264. I want you to approach the
foreign objectCopy !req
265. and assess the situation...
Cautiously.Copy !req
266. Go. You have one minute. Go.Copy !req
267. Good, dangle, good.Copy !req
268. Cautiously, cautiously.Copy !req
269. You don't know what's inside.Copy !req
270. It could be dangerous.Copy !req
271. Williams,
you are not on the moon.Copy !req
272. Just approach with caution.Copy !req
273. Assess the situation.Copy !req
274. You may not... okay, okay.Copy !req
275. Now you are assessing
the situation.Copy !req
276. No... no, you don't...Copy !req
277. You're... no.Copy !req
278. Dangle, you don't know
what's inside.Copy !req
279. You may not feel comf...Copy !req
280. Did you say check inside?Copy !req
281. Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
282. Whoa.Copy !req
283. Yes, it's just... it's clothes.Copy !req
284. That's my clothes.Copy !req
285. That's all silk.Copy !req
286. Is this a Gordon gottrell?Copy !req
287. That's Calvin klein.Copy !req
288. He has a white dinner jacket
made in the Philippines.Copy !req
289. that's a Gordon gottrell,
isn't it?Copy !req
290. Good afternoon, class.
My name is officer Garcia.Copy !req
291. This is my partner,
officer Jones.Copy !req
292. We are from the Reno county
sheriff's department.Copy !req
293. And we are here today
to talk about self-defense.Copy !req
294. Let's say you folks are caught
behind the bleachers.Copy !req
295. You're taking a whiz,
taking a leak.Copy !req
296. I'm gonna show you six ways
to get out of this hold.Copy !req
297. He's a bigger man,
but it doesn't matter.Copy !req
298. I'm gonna use my leverage,
and I'm gonna get out, okay?Copy !req
299. You might think there's nothing
I can do from here.Copy !req
300. What I'm gonna do
is use my leverage.Copy !req
301. I'm gonna start
with my right knee.Copy !req
302. I'm gonna spin out.Copy !req
303. You okay?Copy !req
304. Yeah, I'm all right. Damn.Copy !req
305. All right, time-out.
Hold on. Hold on.Copy !req
306. You want to spin out?Copy !req
307. You gotta get me
from the other side.Copy !req
308. You can't get it from here?Copy !req
309. I can spin out that way.Copy !req
310. Wait. Hold on. Hold on.Copy !req
311. You okay?Copy !req
312. Yeah. I'm all right.Copy !req
313. He's a bigger man.
Now, normally... all right.Copy !req
314. Take those glasses off.
Okay. Now, hold on. Hold on.Copy !req
315. See that right there?Copy !req
316. Right there...
See, I had him going.Copy !req
317. I lured him with the whole
speech thing.Copy !req
318. You want to show them
another hold?Copy !req
319. No, I'm good, I'm good. Yeah.Copy !req
320. I think any terroristCopy !req
321. who would plan to do some kind
of thing in RenoCopy !req
322. has never been to Reno.Copy !req
323. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's showtime.Copy !req
324. You have 45 minutes in which
to finish the exam.Copy !req
325. Godspeed.Copy !req
326. Okay, here we go, folks.Copy !req
327. Question 1... answer is "a,"
"don't open."Copy !req
328. Question 2... answer is "a."Copy !req
329. Question 3... answer is "c."Copy !req
330. Going way too fast...
Way, way, way too fast.Copy !req
331. I don't know when
he's gonna come back.Copy !req
332. Yes, Reno was disgusting.Copy !req
333. Yes, maybe it is a cesspool
of vice and boredom...Copy !req
334. An abysmal hellhole
of nothingness.Copy !req
335. But we had a nice time.Copy !req
336. That timer was some kind of
a camera or something, I bet.Copy !req
337. They're gonna know we cheated,
and we are dead.Copy !req
338. We are dead.
We've lost our jobs.Copy !req
339. Hey... everything's gonna be fine
as long as we stick togetherCopy !req
340. like a team, okay? Teamwork.Copy !req
341. To teamwork, okay? To teamwork.Copy !req
342. Oh.Copy !req
343. Hey, Duane, how you doing?Copy !req
344. When I was 7 years old...Copy !req
345. I went to my grandfather's ranch
in Seville, Spain.Copy !req
346. He had a prize bull, bernardito.Copy !req
347. And one afternoon, I saw
bernardito mount 15 cows.Copy !req
348. Today...Copy !req
349. I think I feel what bernardito
must have felt,Copy !req
350. because I'm very proud...
Very proud of all of you.Copy !req
351. You have passed the exam.Copy !req
352. Ohh!Copy !req
353. So now what happens?
Now what do we do?Copy !req
354. What happens now is life.Copy !req
355. You're gonna stay,
though, right?Copy !req
356. Bernardito took a nap.Copy !req
357. You will continue doing
what you do,Copy !req
358. and we will continue doing
what we do.Copy !req
359. Congratulations.Copy !req
360. Duane, you guys are...
You're not, uh...Copy !req
361. You're really not staying?Copy !req
362. I have to go on.
I'm needed elsewhere.Copy !req
363. But it was a pleasure to train
you all and to serve with you.Copy !req
364. We're not done. We're not ready.Copy !req
365. We're certainly not ready.Copy !req
366. no, no, no,
we are not ready.Copy !req
367. We need... we need help.
We need more...Copy !req
368. That was so...Copy !req
369. Carry on.Copy !req
370. Duane,
my name is spelled wrong!Copy !req
371. We cheated. We cheated!Copy !req
372. You gotta come back
because we cheated.Copy !req
373. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!Copy !req
374. Duane?Copy !req
375. Duane?Copy !req
376. Don't go, Duane. You can't go.Copy !req
377. When I first met you,Copy !req
378. you were like a frightened
little kittenCopy !req
379. inside a laundry hamper.Copy !req
380. Now...Copy !req
381. You are a beautiful swan
inside a fancy restaurant.Copy !req
382. Send back the soup
if you don't like it.Copy !req
383. Order more bread.Copy !req
384. You are in command.Copy !req
385. It smells like safety.Copy !req
386. It smells like safety.Copy !req
387. It is.Copy !req
388. It is.Copy !req
389. Duane...Copy !req
390. No.Copy !req
391. No.Copy !req
392. Duane!Copy !req
393. Duane, come back, Duane!Copy !req
394. Duane, don't go, Duane!Copy !req
395. Come back, Duane!Copy !req
396. No! come back, Duane!Copy !req
397. Come back, Duane! No!Copy !req
398. Come back, Duane!Copy !req
399. Come back, Duane!Copy !req
400. Come back, Duane!Copy !req
401. Um, so I suppose most of youCopy !req
402. have heard little snippets
about this.Copy !req
403. We were robbed over the weekend.Copy !req
404. They got away with $300,000
worth of evidenceCopy !req
405. from the evidence room and most
of the phones and computers.Copy !req
406. Uh, apparently the department
of homeland securityCopy !req
407. doesn't send out teams to train.Copy !req
408. That person who called himself
Duane HernandezCopy !req
409. is apparently
"Spanish Mike" Alvarez,Copy !req
410. wanted for impersonating a
federal officer, grand larceny,Copy !req
411. and the "woman," uh, uh...Copy !req
412. Is apparently a gentleman
named Sammy heung.Copy !req
413. I tried to him.Copy !req
414. of course you did.Copy !req
415. Duane also took
my credit-card numberCopy !req
416. and told me he was gonna get me
a subscription to condé nast.Copy !req
417. Who do we even report
the theft to?Copy !req
418. I'm not sure. The president?Copy !req
419. I knew
something was wrong.Copy !req
420. She kept staring
at my boobs all the time.Copy !req
421. Sammy's a boob man, I guess.Copy !req
422. I am irritated,
and I have a headache,Copy !req
423. and I'd like to never speak of
this again outside this room.Copy !req
424. Can we just forget it ever
happened, please?Copy !req
425. Done.Copy !req
426. Code of...Copy !req
427. Silence.Copy !req
428. Sure.Copy !req
429. I can't believe
that just happenedCopy !req
430. with Duane and the whole...Copy !req
431. code of silence.Copy !req
432. We just made a code of silence
30 seconds ago.Copy !req
433. I knew those weren't real.Copy !req
434. They were lumpy.Copy !req
435. Does it make you gay if you
whacked off to a guy?Copy !req
436. Not if you didn't know
it was a guy.Copy !req
437. Well, wait a second.Copy !req
438. I don't think you get
a vote on this.Copy !req
439. You gotta start somewhere, so...Copy !req
440. Buh-buh-buh...Copy !req
441. Survey says "yes", I'd say.Copy !req
442. Oh. God damn, I'm queer.Copy !req
443. Well, you know what that
asshole said to me?Copy !req
444. Spanish Mike?Copy !req
445. He said, "clemmy", you know,Copy !req
446. "you don't need to look
like that all the time,Copy !req
447. you should read books,
you got a great mind."Copy !req
448. Huh, bull-, buddy.Copy !req