1. It says, "praise Allah!"
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2. Good morning!
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3. We are from the department
of homeland security.
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4. My name is
captain Duane Hernandez.
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5. This is my assistant,
lieutenant susie Kim.
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6. In one week, you will be given
an exam on homeland security,
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7. and you will all pass.
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8. The chemicals wash down
the body,
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9. flowing away
from the vital organs.
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10. I'm dirty.
I want to go in there.
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11. I'm sort of more studying Duane
and his physique
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12. than I have so much the
terrorist aspect of things.
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13. Go. Go, go, go, go.
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14. Well, we've been smelling
this noxious fume all day.
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15. I think what we've got
is bioterrorism.
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16. We all in the same ballpark?
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17. We're gonna need a Hazmat team.
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18. Call Washington.
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19. oh, my god!
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20. Oh-ho! ohh-h-h!
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21. Aah! aah! Aah!
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22. Hey, dog. Yeah.
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23. Ho! ho! Ho!
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24. Wiegel, I need a visual
surveillance of the perimeter
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25. and all the quadrants.
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26. We need the Hazmat team.
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27. What we need to do
is call Washington.
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28. I will get on the phone
with Washington.
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29. Guys, it's just a skunk.
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30. Damn it.
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31. Confirmation... skunk.
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32. Air quality bad. Let's get down.
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33. We're gonna fill it up with
water from the fire hose
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34. and flood him out.
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35. No, that only happens
in cartoons, Garcia.
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36. The best way to draw it out is
to pretend like we're sleeping.
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37. The skunk's gonna want to come
out as if... so he can leave,
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38. and then as soon as...
We pounce on him.
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39. Let's just shoot it.
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40. Yeah.
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41. We've all got guns.
I don't know why we...
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42. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
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43. Captain.
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44. What's the situation?
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45. There's a skunk, sir.
There's a skunk.
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46. A skunk? Yes.
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47. Okay. What do you propose
to do about it?
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48. Well, I proposed that we get
in there and shoot it...
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49. Kill it.
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50. Let me ask a question.
This is open to anyone.
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51. Are you familiar with the
concept of yin and Yang?
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52. Yeah, there's the black thing
and the white thing,
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53. and they kind of look
like sperm.
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54. Very good. Very good.
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55. There is a positive and
a negative in life,
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56. and sometimes you capture...
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57. You capture more with honey
than with violence.
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58. Do you understand?
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59. Mm-hmm.
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60. It's a skunk.
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61. Is it striped?
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62. It's striped.
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63. It's a striped skunk?
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64. She's female... in estrus.
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65. She's just being frisky,
that's all.
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66. There's no need to shoot it.
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67. I... I apologize.
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68. It's okay.
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69. Give me five.
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70. Push-ups.
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71. Five.
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72. You're a good man.
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73. thank you, Duane.
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74. Shh.
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75. Wow, huh?
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76. That's Duane.
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77. I've been really impressed
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78. with the conduct of the
homeland security officers.
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79. Duane Hernandez.
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80. I look at that man,
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81. and I want to put on an apron
and fry up some eggs,
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82. and I want to learn everything
he has to teach.
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83. "Teach me, teacher.
Take me to school.
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84. Let me serve detention."
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85. I will follow him
wherever he goes.
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86. I will hit that
before he leaves.
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87. Oh, hell.
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88. How you doing?
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89. I'm doing okay.
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90. How are you?
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91. I'm not so good,
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92. 'cause you were weaving
all over the road there.
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93. Can we get one thing straight?
I have not been drinking.
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94. Right hand to the nose...
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95. Yeah.
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96. with the left hand
and back out.
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97. I need you to recite
the alphabet
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98. from "z" to "a" backwards
as fast as you can.
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99. From "z" to "a"? Sure.
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100. Uh...
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101. Z...
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102. Y...
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103. X, w, v, u, t, s, r, q,
p, o, n, m, I, k, j,
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104. I, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a.
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105. All right.
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106. Remarkable.
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107. I've actually never seen
anybody do that.
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108. Oh, my bladder is full.
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109. I'm not worried about your
bladder right now, okay?
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110. All right.
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111. You've got
pretty good balance there.
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112. I want you to step, bump,
step, bump-bump,
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113. step, bump, step, bump-bump.
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114. 5, 6, 7, 8.
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115. Step, bump, step, bump-bump,
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116. step, bump, step, bump-bump.
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117. Pas de barré, kick-ball-change,
step, clap.
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118. 5, 6, 7, 8.
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119. You know what would be good
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120. is if you kicked and then
you kind of... did that
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121. and then a barrel turn
and then... ha!
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122. You know?
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123. That was good.
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124. That was really good.
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125. You a dancer?
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126. No. No, no, no.
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127. I'm just drunk.
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128. Ahhhhh! ahhhhh!
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129. Up against the vehicle
right now, sir.
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130. You are going to jail.
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131. Susie Kim.
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132. Susie Kim,
the homeland security officer.
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133. Phew!
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134. Man.
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135. Don't do that.
You don't know her.
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136. Can I ask you a question?
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137. Yeah, sure, of course.
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138. You can ask me anything, susie.
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139. So...
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140. So, what is it with the shorts?
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141. Um, is it...
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142. I mean, c-c-can...
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143. You don't mind me asking?
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144. No, no, I, uh...
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145. Can your ass breathe in it,
'cause it just seems so...
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146. I wear them for maneuverability,
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147. but you think they're silly,
don't you?
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148. No, no. You know what it is?
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149. The shorts are kind of silly.
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150. They're not silly at all.
They're not.
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151. You, just being as fit
as you are...
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152. I think you should let
your ass breathe
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153. because it's such a nice ass.
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154. With some slacks, you think?
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155. Yeah.
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156. You know, I have, you know...
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157. I have long pants. I just, um...
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158. I'd like to see that sometime.
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159. Look at me.
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160. I'm... dressed
like a goddamn clown.
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161. I sure would like a hottie
like that, uh...
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162. What's her name? Susie...
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163. Uh, Mrs. Lieutenant susie Kim.
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164. Yeah. Hell, yeah.
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165. I saw her making eyes for me.
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166. I think their eyes
are always like that.
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167. Captain Duane Hernandez has
taught me a lot of things.
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168. He's taught me that I look best
in red lips,
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169. that I can wear smoky
eye-shadow shades,
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170. that it's okay
to wear push-up bras.
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171. But I haven't learned a whole
lot about homeland security.
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172. I'm afraid I'm definitely gonna
blow the test.
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173. But, uh, I'm gonna look great
doing it.
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174. You pull into a parking lot.
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175. There is a foreign object
unattended.
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176. In this case,
it's a piece of luggage.
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177. What do you do?
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178. The clock is ticking, people.
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179. If it's at a mall,
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180. you would take it to the
information desk
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181. and see if there's a reward.
If there is, then collect it.
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182. If it's in a supermarket,
just leave it there.
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183. It's probably
for a homeless person.
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184. No.
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185. Williams.
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186. I got it. Okay.
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187. You shout out,
"hey, who forgot their bag?"
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188. No, Williams,
you do not shout out,
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189. "hey, who forgot their bag?"
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190. If someone shows up...
No, it's not a raffle.
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191. Jones?
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192. I didn't have...
I didn't raise my hand.
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193. Dangle?
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194. I don't know how or where
you get them,
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195. but I believe there are robots
for this.
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196. Who has those?
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197. Radio shack.
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198. If you're at the mall,
you don't even have to call.
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199. Okay, okay, okay.
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200. You're calling someone.
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201. You're on the right track.
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202. Robot squad. No robot squad!
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203. That's horribly wrong!
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204. This is maybe a little right.
You're over there!
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205. You took a bus!
You took a transfer!
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206. You went over there somewhere!
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207. Yeah. Uh, we are, uh...
We're ready.
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208. We've been studying, right?
We've been studying.
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209. We made some flash cards
for the test.
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210. We are getting ready
for the test...
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211. The homeland security test.
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212. Um... we tried to study
last night,
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213. ended up watching TV
and having some beers,
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214. and, uh...
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215. Tonight we really have to
buckle down.
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216. We're gonna buckle down.
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217. But a short answer
to your question...
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218. If terrorism hits Reno,
no, we're pretty much
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219. got a call about a disturbance.
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220. She's disturbed.
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221. T.t. T.T., what you doing?
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222. Hi. Remember me?
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223. T.t., you doing some shopping?
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224. I'm buying everybody a beer
'cause I won the lotto.
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225. Let's go shopping outside,
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226. because everything out there...
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227. Whoo-hoo!
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228. Damn it, t.T.!
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229. Whoo-whoo!
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230. Get back here!
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231. T.t., I'm not playing with you.
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232. I am not playing with you, girl.
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233. T.t.!
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234. Ma'am, just stay put.
Just stay put.
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235. Everybody stay put.
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236. I got a t.T. Situation here
at the Virginia street market.
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237. T.t. Thinks she won the lottery.
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238. I need you here right now.
Thank you.
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239. Go, go, go. Nothing to see.
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240. Give me my stick.
Where's my stick?
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241. Right here. Come on.
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242. We're gonna get you
another ticket.
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243. Don't throw punches at me, t.T.
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244. Don't throw punches at me.
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245. No, t.T., t.T., t.T. Jones.
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246. You want to date a woman
with money?
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247. Whoo!
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248. Want to date a woman
that got paid?
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249. Oh, god, no.
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250. Well, this is
a California ticket.
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251. What you talkin' 'bout?
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252. That's California.
Where'd you get that?
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253. You didn't win the lottery.
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254. Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
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255. Aw, geez here we go!
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256. Damn!
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257. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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258. All right.
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259. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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260. T.t., act like a lady.
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261. Act like a lady.
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262. Who's putting this away?
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263. Williams, dangle,
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264. I want you to approach the
foreign object
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265. and assess the situation...
Cautiously.
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266. Go. You have one minute. Go.
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267. Good, dangle, good.
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268. Cautiously, cautiously.
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269. You don't know what's inside.
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270. It could be dangerous.
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271. Williams,
you are not on the moon.
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272. Just approach with caution.
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273. Assess the situation.
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274. You may not... okay, okay.
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275. Now you are assessing
the situation.
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276. No... no, you don't...
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277. You're... no.
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278. Dangle, you don't know
what's inside.
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279. You may not feel comf...
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280. Did you say check inside?
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281. Oh, my goodness.
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282. Whoa.
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283. Yes, it's just... it's clothes.
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284. That's my clothes.
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285. That's all silk.
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286. Is this a Gordon gottrell?
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287. That's Calvin klein.
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288. He has a white dinner jacket
made in the Philippines.
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289. that's a Gordon gottrell,
isn't it?
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290. Good afternoon, class.
My name is officer Garcia.
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291. This is my partner,
officer Jones.
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292. We are from the Reno county
sheriff's department.
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293. And we are here today
to talk about self-defense.
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294. Let's say you folks are caught
behind the bleachers.
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295. You're taking a whiz,
taking a leak.
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296. I'm gonna show you six ways
to get out of this hold.
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297. He's a bigger man,
but it doesn't matter.
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298. I'm gonna use my leverage,
and I'm gonna get out, okay?
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299. You might think there's nothing
I can do from here.
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300. What I'm gonna do
is use my leverage.
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301. I'm gonna start
with my right knee.
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302. I'm gonna spin out.
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303. You okay?
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304. Yeah, I'm all right. Damn.
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305. All right, time-out.
Hold on. Hold on.
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306. You want to spin out?
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307. You gotta get me
from the other side.
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308. You can't get it from here?
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309. I can spin out that way.
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310. Wait. Hold on. Hold on.
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311. You okay?
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312. Yeah. I'm all right.
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313. He's a bigger man.
Now, normally... all right.
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314. Take those glasses off.
Okay. Now, hold on. Hold on.
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315. See that right there?
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316. Right there...
See, I had him going.
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317. I lured him with the whole
speech thing.
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318. You want to show them
another hold?
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319. No, I'm good, I'm good. Yeah.
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320. I think any terrorist
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321. who would plan to do some kind
of thing in Reno
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322. has never been to Reno.
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323. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's showtime.
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324. You have 45 minutes in which
to finish the exam.
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325. Godspeed.
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326. Okay, here we go, folks.
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327. Question 1... answer is "a,"
"don't open."
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328. Question 2... answer is "a."
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329. Question 3... answer is "c."
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330. Going way too fast...
Way, way, way too fast.
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331. I don't know when
he's gonna come back.
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332. Yes, Reno was disgusting.
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333. Yes, maybe it is a cesspool
of vice and boredom...
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334. An abysmal hellhole
of nothingness.
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335. But we had a nice time.
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336. That timer was some kind of
a camera or something, I bet.
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337. They're gonna know we cheated,
and we are dead.
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338. We are dead.
We've lost our jobs.
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339. Hey... everything's gonna be fine
as long as we stick together
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340. like a team, okay? Teamwork.
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341. To teamwork, okay? To teamwork.
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342. Oh.
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343. Hey, Duane, how you doing?
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344. When I was 7 years old...
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345. I went to my grandfather's ranch
in Seville, Spain.
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346. He had a prize bull, bernardito.
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347. And one afternoon, I saw
bernardito mount 15 cows.
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348. Today...
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349. I think I feel what bernardito
must have felt,
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350. because I'm very proud...
Very proud of all of you.
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351. You have passed the exam.
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352. Ohh!
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353. So now what happens?
Now what do we do?
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354. What happens now is life.
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355. You're gonna stay,
though, right?
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356. Bernardito took a nap.
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357. You will continue doing
what you do,
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358. and we will continue doing
what we do.
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359. Congratulations.
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360. Duane, you guys are...
You're not, uh...
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361. You're really not staying?
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362. I have to go on.
I'm needed elsewhere.
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363. But it was a pleasure to train
you all and to serve with you.
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364. We're not done. We're not ready.
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365. We're certainly not ready.
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366. no, no, no,
we are not ready.
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367. We need... we need help.
We need more...
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368. That was so...
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369. Carry on.
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370. Duane,
my name is spelled wrong!
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371. We cheated. We cheated!
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372. You gotta come back
because we cheated.
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373. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
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374. Duane?
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375. Duane?
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376. Don't go, Duane. You can't go.
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377. When I first met you,
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378. you were like a frightened
little kitten
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379. inside a laundry hamper.
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380. Now...
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381. You are a beautiful swan
inside a fancy restaurant.
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382. Send back the soup
if you don't like it.
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383. Order more bread.
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384. You are in command.
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385. It smells like safety.
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386. It smells like safety.
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387. It is.
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388. It is.
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389. Duane...
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390. No.
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391. No.
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392. Duane!
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393. Duane, come back, Duane!
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394. Duane, don't go, Duane!
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395. Come back, Duane!
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396. No! come back, Duane!
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397. Come back, Duane! No!
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398. Come back, Duane!
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399. Come back, Duane!
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400. Come back, Duane!
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401. Um, so I suppose most of you
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402. have heard little snippets
about this.
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403. We were robbed over the weekend.
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404. They got away with $300,000
worth of evidence
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405. from the evidence room and most
of the phones and computers.
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406. Uh, apparently the department
of homeland security
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407. doesn't send out teams to train.
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408. That person who called himself
Duane Hernandez
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409. is apparently
"Spanish Mike" Alvarez,
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410. wanted for impersonating a
federal officer, grand larceny,
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411. and the "woman," uh, uh...
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412. Is apparently a gentleman
named Sammy heung.
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413. I tried to him.
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414. of course you did.
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415. Duane also took
my credit-card number
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416. and told me he was gonna get me
a subscription to condé nast.
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417. Who do we even report
the theft to?
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418. I'm not sure. The president?
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419. I knew
something was wrong.
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420. She kept staring
at my boobs all the time.
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421. Sammy's a boob man, I guess.
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422. I am irritated,
and I have a headache,
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423. and I'd like to never speak of
this again outside this room.
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424. Can we just forget it ever
happened, please?
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425. Done.
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426. Code of...
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427. Silence.
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428. Sure.
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429. I can't believe
that just happened
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430. with Duane and the whole...
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431. code of silence.
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432. We just made a code of silence
30 seconds ago.
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433. I knew those weren't real.
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434. They were lumpy.
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435. Does it make you gay if you
whacked off to a guy?
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436. Not if you didn't know
it was a guy.
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437. Well, wait a second.
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438. I don't think you get
a vote on this.
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439. You gotta start somewhere, so...
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440. Buh-buh-buh...
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441. Survey says "yes", I'd say.
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442. Oh. God damn, I'm queer.
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443. Well, you know what that
asshole said to me?
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444. Spanish Mike?
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445. He said, "clemmy", you know,
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446. "you don't need to look
like that all the time,
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447. you should read books,
you got a great mind."
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448. Huh, bull-, buddy.
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