- 1. I don't know, but I hope
He doesn't have stingers.
- 2. Was it a fly Or was it a bee?
- 3. I have no problem if there's
A fly in the car.
- 4. You should drive, and I'll look
For the flyswatter.
- 5. Where'd he go? I just saw him!
- 6. Where? He was on you.
- 7. Is it a fly or a bee?
- 8. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!
- 9. Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!
- 10. Aah! Aah! Aah!
- 11. Hey, dog. Yeah.
- 12. Ho! Ho! Ho!
- 13. For which it stands,
- 14. One nation under god...
- 15. Indivisible...
- 16. With liberty and justice
- 17. Okay.
- 18. Amen.
- 19. What did you say?
- 20. I said buddha.
- 21. You said buddha?
- 22. Mm-hmm.
- 23. I didn't say anything when it
Was your turn to lead it.
- 24. I'm not disrespecting you!
- 25. Not everybody in this country
Believes in god.
- 26. I do, But other people don't,
- 27. And I think that we should
- 28. I suppose at christmastime,
- 29. You won't be wanting
Any gifts, buddha.
- 30. I'm not saying that!
- 31. Of course I want gifts.
- 32. Officer! I'm the one who called.
- 33. I was just doing a standard
- 34. And the next thing I know,
- 35. This guy's shooting
Paintballs at me.
- 36. I think I'm bruised.
- 37. I got other mail to deliver,
- 38. And it's like, I don't know
What's going on!
- 39. Oh, my god! There he goes again!
- 40. Whoa! Stay low.
- 41. Reno, reno, this is...
- 42. get out of here!
- 43. Reno, this is 14-allen-28.
We got a situation here...
- 44. I'm hit! I'm hit!
- 45. We got a sniper firing
Paintballs at our vehicle.
- 46. Someone get over here Right away.
- 47. 'Cause I'm not getting paid
Enough to deal with this.
- 48. Thank you.
- 49. It's lieutenant dangle's
- 50. And he asked all of us to show
Up and help him move.
- 51. Uh, hello, gentlemen.
How you doing?
- 52. What am I gonna do?
He's my boss.
- 53. Lieutenant!
- 54. Hey, hey!
- 55. Hey, man!
- 56. Yeah.
- 57. What up, blood?
- 58. What's going on, man?
- 59. How's it going, blood?
- 60. Thanks for coming by, man.
- 61. Thanks for coming by.
- 62. Yeah, no problem.
- 63. You smell great, man.
- 64. Great, great.
- 65. It's really good.
- 66. So I'm here.
- 67. Let's do this.
- 68. Awesome.
- 69. This is torture.
You're not hot in that zip-up?
- 70. It's pretty breezy.
- 71. I got some other stuff.
- 72. No, I'm fine.
- 73. I got a whole other rig like
This if you want to, maybe.
- 74. I'm gonna get you
- 75. No, I'll just take this off,
- 76. You can take your shirt off
If you want, too.
- 77. I might take my shirt off.
It's such a scorcher.
- 78. Did garcia show up?
- 79. No, it's so weird.
Everybody flaked, I guess.
- 80. I called everybody.
- 81. Am I the only one?
- 82. You're the only one here.
- 83. Everybody must have flaked,
- 84. Bunch of flakes.
Flaky, flaky, flaky.
- 85. Aah! Aaaah!
- 86. This better not crack
- 87. You okay, sir?
- 88. Stop it! Stop!
- 89. Yeah, take your time, guys.
- 90. What do we got, ladies?
- 91. We got a lunatic over here.
- 92. He's assaulting
A government worker.
- 93. I don't know how to handle
- 94. You guys need to take over.
- 95. He's got a.36 caliber Sap gun.
- 96. Smoke and choke
Cover formation, okay?
- 97. Hwah! Hwah!
- 98. Hurry!
- 99. Two, one... go! Go! Go! Go!
- 100. Aaaaah!
- 101. No mercy, no mercy, No mercy!
- 102. Suppressing fire on my count...
Two, one... go! Hwah!
- 103. Aah! Get out of here!
Get out of here!
- 104. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
- 105. Come on!
- 106. I got you!
- 107. No mercy! No mercy!
- 108. Whoo!
- 109. Freeze!
- 110. I give... aah!
- 111. That's it. Put it down!
- 112. I said I give up!
- 113. What the hell is wrong
- 114. Put it down. Set it right there.
- 115. Walk on out of here.
- 116. Do you not know the rules
Of the game?
- 117. Take it easy.
- 118. Whenever it's over, You stop!
- 119. Hey, hey, hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!
- 120. Aah! I gave up!
- 121. Junior!
I just had my hair colored!
- 122. I said I give up!
- 123. If you were on the moon,
And you could wiegel,
- 124. And then leave her on the moon,
You wouldn't wiegel?
- 125. Hell, no.
- 126. Hell, no.
- 127. What kind of woman
You like then?
- 128. She got all the right parts,
Just the wiring's screwy.
- 129. It's like the flippers work,
And the bumpers work,
- 130. It's just the wiring's screwy,
And the score's all wrong.
- 131. Look at you,
With your tenderness.
- 132. Mmm, my name is reggie,
- 133. But all my friends
Call me sugarwolf.
- 134. I like that!
- 135. Ooh, you just so tender.
- 136. Let me take a look at you.
- 137. Girl, you could take and put
A drink on that thing.
- 138. Stop, stop.
- 139. You are so cute.
But you look so familiar.
- 140. You... your name is calvin.
- 141. I used to babysit you.
- 142. Your mama name is etta mae.
- 143. Am I right?
- 144. Is your name calvin?
- 145. Miss raineesha?
- 146. Come on now!
- 147. Get the hell out... Oh, my god!
- 148. I always told you,
- 149. When I used to keep you and
Your little brother,
- 150. "Be the best...
Whatever you do in life."
- 151. Didn't miss raineesha Tell you?
- 152. B-b-be the best.
- 153. Be the best.
- 154. I'm gonna see if you really
- 155. At what you do.
- 156. Stand up
And take your shirt off.
- 157. Maybe we should...
- 158. You should have something
- 159. You're gonna get dehydrated.
- 160. Chip-chop, Get it going here.
- 161. I'm gonna get you a drink.
No, I'm good.
- 162. You don't want a drink?
No, I'm fine.
- 163. Take a drink.
Seriously, I'm fine.
- 164. I'm making margaritas!
- 165. It's a mix tape!
- 166. From mikano.
- 167. My buddy gets mix tapes.
- 168. Of all the stuff they play
In the foam bar at mikano.
- 169. Yeah.
- 170. Moving da-a-a-y!
- 171. Moving da-a-a-y!
- 172. Hold up the margarita.
- 173. Margarita-a-a-a.
- 174. What do you think Of williams?
- 175. You go first.
How do you feel about her?
- 176. She bugs the Out of me.
- 177. Me too. I can't stand her.
- 178. Bugs the shit out of me.
And I try to be nice.
- 179. Me too.
- 180. I try to be nice.
But you know what?
- 181. The minute you don't laugh
At one of her jokes.
- 182. That isn't really funny,
She turns on you.
- 183. She was looking at me the other
Day... I told dangle this.
- 184. I thought She was gonna bite me.
- 185. I thought she was gonna rip
The vein right out of my neck.
- 186. I thought she was gonna take
- 187. And rip my throat out.
- 188. She doesn't have a machete.
- 189. What are you doing out here
- 190. What?
- 191. What are you doing
Out here today?
- 192. Just watching over stuff.
- 193. Looks like maybe you're doing
A little prostitution.
- 194. Out here today, terry,
Is that possible?
- 195. No, I'm not. I'm so not.
- 196. Terry, are you on anything
- 197. I'm not. I quit everything.
- 198. I don't even drink.
- 199. You seem a little jittery
Right now, terry.
- 200. You're not on Any substance?
- 201. I had skittles.
- 202. You're jittery From skittles?
- 203. Yes. Interesting.
- 204. Your eyes are real dilated.
- 205. They seem to be jogging around
A little bit.
- 206. Have you ever had skittles?
It's all sugar.
- 207. I heard a rumor.
- 208. What's that, ter?
- 209. Mexican werewolves are coming up
From mexico and selling crack.
- 210. Mm-hmm.
- 211. Well, we'll get to that, terry,
When that happens.
- 212. In the meantime,
- 213. What we have to deal with
- 214. And you not being
On this corner,
- 215. Not prostituting yourself.
- 216. And not hopping yourself up
- 217. Which I'm sure is a code name
For a new kind of crack.
- 218. It's not. It's so not.
- 219. Anyway, say it, Don't spray it.
- 220. That's my new motto.
- 221. Terry, Why don't you move along?
- 222. Be careful.
He's gonna break his neck.
- 223. We ought to paint that on the
Side of our car...
- 224. "Say it, don't spray it."
- 225. Don't you Eyeball me!
- 226. Cot! Now.
- 227. Hey, kids. All right, well,
Let's go on with the tour.
- 228. All right, junior deputies,
- 229. Uh, as future members of the
Washoe county law enforcement,
- 230. It's, uh, your privilege
To get a v.I.P. Tour,
- 231. A little behind-the-scenes
- 232. A little for-your-eyes-only
Type of stuff.
- 233. This here's a jail cell.
- 234. Sorry it smells like jizz.
- 235. But, uh, I think
That's just jizz.
- 236. See this wall up here?
We got the glass partition.
- 237. That separates the prisoner from
The sheriff's department.
- 238. Anybody got a guess.
- 239. Why we don't use metal bars
Up there anymore?
- 240. It's actually
A pretty funny story.
- 241. We had this fella in here...
Crystal meth tweaker fella.
- 242. And he was here all night,
- 243. And he would stick his head
In the toilet.
- 244. And fill it with water and
spit it on the floor.
- 245. By morning, there was about
A half an inch of water.
- 246. All over the cell in here.
- 247. Then he climbed up there, and
You see that light fixture?
- 248. He yanked it down out of
- 249. And he pulled the wires Apart.
- 250. He attached them to either side
Of the metal bars.
- 251. So in the morning, one of the
Deputies came in,
- 252. Touched his key to open
The damn door,
- 253. And he blew up like
A goddamn s'more.
- 254. Bam! Just fried that
Son of a bitch.
- 255. You could smell the burn all the
Way through the station.
- 256. His belt buckle, it got so hot,
It, like butter...
- 257. It just fell right through the
Leather of his belt.
- 258. And it kept going, and it sliced
His balls off...
- 259. Cauterized those balls
As it was going,
- 260. So there wasn't even a drop
- 261. Two balls on the ground.
No blood... cauterized.
- 262. Any questions?
- 263. All right, let's keep going
With the goddamn tour.
- 264. Sheriff.
- 265. yeah.
- 266. I have seen it all.
- 267. Hey, you know what?
- 268. Hey, look, look,
Before you judge me,
- 269. You don't know me.
- 270. All right, You don't know me.
- 271. Can I just say a couple
- 272. Because I feel like
I'm being judged.
- 273. I'm not judging you.
I'm not here to judge you.
- 274. I just want to let you know
A couple things.
- 275. I have a weird tan
Because I play tennis.
- 276. That's number one.
- 277. Number two, yes, I have a dildo
Strapped to my head,
- 278. But let me Explain something.
- 279. Oh, my... You don't know me!
- 280. Let me explain something
To you, all right?
- 281. This is very...
You don't know me.
- 282. People got different things that
Turn you on or whatever.
- 283. I'm not here to find out
Any of that.
- 284. In my past life, I believe I was
Something with a horn,
- 285. Like a unicorn.
- 286. Let's put a period on the end
Of that sentence,
- 287. And we're done talking
- 288. Okay, look. Everyone's got
Their thing, right?
- 289. They got their little
- 290. You're a gay...
You don't know me!
- 291. Silence.
- 292. I'm putting my heart
On my sleeve.
- 293. And you're putting something
Else on your head, sir!
- 294. I'm just here to help you.
I'm here to help you.
- 295. Everything about what you just
Did is wrong.
- 296. Not only did you just slap me
- 297. You mocked the fact that I have
Put my heart on my sleeve.
- 298. I said, "I got a dildo
On my head."
- 299. You don't have To point it out.
- 300. By slapping the On my head.
- 301. I don't have keys For these.
- 302. This is how you make wine.
- 303. If you need to make wine
While you're in prison.
- 304. What you do is you take
A plastic bag,
- 305. And you put in a little bit
- 306. You put in either raisins
- 307. You can't put in Too much sugar.
- 308. Nobody's gonna complain
It's too sweet.
- 309. Scrape that in there.
- 310. And that's all yeast is...
Just a little bit of bread mold.
- 311. Tie up that bag.
You got to put a straw in it.
- 312. 'Cause if it doesn't have
- 313. For the gas to come out,
That thing's just gonna blow up.
- 314. Boom! The whole cell will stink.
- 315. 14 days, leave it under your
Bunk, and that will ferment.
- 316. You got Some pretty good wine.
- 317. You can sell that
- 318. You can sell that
For not getting.
- 319. By some Of the bigger fellas.
- 320. You got the margaritas?
- 321. Got 'em. Let's do it.
- 322. The margaritas. Oh.
- 323. Aw, yeah, all right.
- 324. Okay.
- 325. Sorry.
- 326. I got margaritas all over.
- 327. See ya!
- 328. And... Here we are. Ahh.
- 329. Bienvenidos.
- 330. casa de dangle.
What do you think?
- 331. What the?
- 332. What do you mean, "What the?"
- 333. Dangle, We just moved 45 feet.
- 334. You could have done all this
- 335. We moved over 100 feet.
- 336. I've dealt with your damn
Advances for years now,
- 337. And I'm sick of it, okay?
- 338. I'm sick of it.
I'm straight, okay?
- 339. You ever heard of
- 340. You ever hear of that?
- 341. What do you take me for...
A punk-ass or what?
- 342. You! You! I can't believe this!
- 343. I had to do today!
- 344. I just wanted...
- 345. Save that. Save it, okay?
- 346. I'm so lonely,
- 347. And I didn't have anybody
To help me.
- 348. A new low... A new low!
- 349. I'm just lonely, That's all,
- 350. And I didn't have anybody
To help me.
- 351. I'm going inside now.
- 352. I'm sorry if I like you.
- 353. Well, I'll try anything once,
- 354. Hey, jimmy?
- 355. Hey, man, I'm s... I'm sorry.
- 356. That was...
That was way out of line.
- 357. I-I'm sorry about that, jim.
- 358. You okay?
- 359. I'm all right.
- 360. I just, uh... Got margarita
All over these clothes.
- 361. Dude, let me help you
Take that off.
- 362. Wait, hang on.
I'm gonna put on a record.
- 363. You got some on your shirt, Too.
- 364. Oh, my goodness gracious.
- 365. That one trustee we had...
The one that came in,
- 366. I think it was the day
- 367. He's in the cell
On the far right.
- 368. Cute!
- 369. Isn't he cute?
- 370. Oh, my gosh, he is yummy!
- 371. He is very...
- 372. He is totally yummy.
- 373. I say muy delicioso.
- 374. Oh.
- 375. He cute.
- 376. I was like, "when is he
Gonna be free?"
- 377. All right.
- 378. How you doing tonight, sir?
- 379. I'm doing all right.
- 380. We got a call About a week ago.
- 381. About some ufo activity
In the area,
- 382. And we just wanted to come
And assure everybody here.
- 383. That the government officially
Is telling us.
- 384. That they were just testing
A new missile.
- 385. So that's all that was.
- 386. I don't know what the hell
Y'all are talking about.
- 387. We got a call from a couple
Of people in the area.
- 388. That said that they saw ufos.
- 389. Some of them said they saw
A light go across the sky.
- 390. Up here? This sky, right?
- 391. Some people said it landed,
And a couple people said,
- 392. Oh, they saw people get sucked
Up into it.
- 393. But, officially, the government
Is saying, "never happened."
- 394. They saw people
Get sucked up into it?
- 395. So officially, you're okay.
- 396. And nothing
Is gonna happen to you.
- 397. All right.
- 398. Unofficially... Look out.
- 399. You take it easy, All right?
- 400. I got y'all's number.
- 401. All righty.
- 402. Shh.
- 403. I love that joke.
- 404. It's too easy.
- 405. It's like shootin' fish in
A barrel, lady.
- 406. All right, we're good.
- 407. That cracks me up Every time.
- 408. I think you should let him
Borrow your belt.
- 409. White people are crazy.
Y'all hear me?
- 410. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
- 411. Who can guess what
"Circle the wagons" means?
- 412. That is when You put three bunks.
- 413. Like the circling up of the
Wagons in a wagon train.
- 414. In an old cowboy movie,
- 415. And they have the sheets
- 416. So you can't see what's going on
Inside the four bunks.
- 417. And inside the four bunks,
About two dozen boys.
- 418. Just the out
Of this little mormon kid.
- 419. Now, they don't want
To break your jaw.
- 420. 'Cause they want your jaw
To still be able to work.
- 421. So what it does is it takes out
- 422. And then they just
The out of this boy.
- 423. We came in, and there wasn't
Really anything left.
- 424. They him, him, They his back.
- 425. They bent up his shoulders.
- 426. And With the shoulder blades.
- 427. Up, man.
- 428. We came in here and all the
Convicts were like, you know,
- 429. "He was to death
Before we got here."
- 430. So we couldn't really point the
Finger at nobody.
- 431. 'Cause it was either all
- 432. And you ain't gonna book
Two dozen people.
- 433. So that's when we started.
- 434. Bolting the bunks to the wall
Like that, uh...
- 435. As you may know Or may not know,
- 436. Dangle is in the hospital.
- 437. And, uh...
- 438. What happened?
- 439. He can't walk, okay?
Can we leave it alone?
- 440. The masseuse girl Is on the way,
- 441. So password is, "It's a deal."
- 442. I'll say it into the mike.
- 443. Calvary rolls in. "It's a deal."
- 444. Are you... Uhhhhhhh.
- 445. You called
For the sensual massage?
- 446. Yeah, I called for vivian.
- 447. Just relax. Vivian is my mother.
- 448. She sends me out to do
The sensual massage.
- 449. I'm sure You will enjoy it.
- 450. Okay, okay, okay. That's a deal.
- 451. That's a deal.
Okay, that's a deal.
- 452. Give it a second.
Give it a second.
- 453. Hey, watch this. Look at this.
- 454. Pinocchio... And pinocchio's
Popular older brother.
- 455. "Hey, pinocchio."Oh, hi!"
- 456. "Hey, where's
Your older brother?"
- 457. "Yeah, I've been lying.
I've been lying a lot.
- 458. I lied five times last night.
- 459. I was watching you
Guys from the lockers.
- 460. 'Cause I was starting
To get suspicious.
- 461. That every time
I went into the shower,
- 462. Everybody leaves
All of a sudden.
- 463. she's about
To have a seizure.
- 464. No, I'm not.
I'm about to start crying.
- 465. There's a difference Between...
- 466. Bite it... In case it happens.
- 467. Are you okay, You think?
- 468. Let me check her pulse.
- 469. Just in case. Hold. Hold.
- 470. It's gas.
- 471. It's gas. It's not...
- 472. Ew, it is gas. It is gas.
- 473. Oh. Ew!