1. Sheriff's department.
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2. Hello.
Sheriff's department.
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3. We got a call here
at the Nevada state
mental hospital.
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4. They had an emergency.
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5. oh, here's the police officers.
Thank you so much for coming.
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6. I just need you guys
to take a look at this.
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7. It's a picture
of a man's penis.
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8. My penis. So you guys drove
45 minutes to take a look
at a Polaroid of my penis,
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9. So who's crazy now?
Bbllbbll!
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10. Andy. Andy.
Back in the hole, man.
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11. You've got to stay off
the phones, OK?
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12. tell the phones
to stay off of me.
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13. Hey, you can hold on to that,
sugar tits. You can find me
on eHarmony.
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14. Captioning made possible by
MTV networks
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15. Son of a bitch.
God damn it!
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16. Come on!
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17. They all have guns!
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18. Ow!
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19. Push 'em together?
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20. Sheriff's department
get off your bike!
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21. Aah!
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22. Aah!
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23. I'm sorry if I'm on edge today.
My a capella choir has
disbanded. I'm sorry.
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24. Aw...
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25. That's rough.
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26. You and Jeff aren't gonna
do it anymore?
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27. No. We will never—Me and Jeff
will never—We—
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28. Oh, I will never darken
his door again.
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29. Oh, I'll be
assigning shifts.
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30. We have to keep an eye
on that witness for the
state's attorney's office.
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31. Uh... Mario...
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32. In that case.
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33. I don't know if that's—
Is that the code name?
Code name's Mario?
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34. There's no one
in real enforcement
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35. But you that uses code
names, so I'm assuming
that's his real name.
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36. OK, his real name
is probably Mario,
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37. But he's gonna be held up
at the—I won't say
the name of the hotel.
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38. who are you hiding it from?
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39. The Shear Arms hotel is
where we're gonna be holding
that state's witness.
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40. What was that?
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41. 'Cause it was secret.
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42. from who?
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43. well, we heard it.
Everybody heard it.
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44. You heard it.
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45. They heard it, too.
I think they heard it.
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46. Fine. OK. So they're
holding that—
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47. did you think
we were shooting
a silent movie?
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48. No. I-I got confused.
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49. No one has claimed
the birdfeeder from the
Junior deputies' raffle.
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50. I would like to get that
off of my books.
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51. If you won the fucking
birdfeeder, come fucking
get it off my desk.
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52. I don't want that fucking
eyesore on my desk any more.
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53. That's what that thing is?
That's a birdfeeder?
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54. They're the fucking
Junior deputies,
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55. And they have the slow ones
helping this year.
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56. No bird would feed
from that thing.
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57. I agree!
I want it off my desk.
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58. If you won it, come claim it,
or I'm throwing it away.
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59. Why don't they raffle off
lawn jockeys anymore?
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60. I love them lawn jockeys
they used to make.
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61. Yeah, they got—You know why.
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62. They don't raffle
'em off anymore
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63. 'Cause they have them
working here with us.
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64. Ha ha! Oh, I got
a million of 'em.
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65. Hey, Carmen.
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66. Hey, Carmen.
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67. Hi, guys.
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68. You almost got us with
the hose there, I see.
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69. Hey, how you doing on
your meds, Carmen?
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70. Carmen!
What?
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71. Carmen! How are you
doing on your meds?
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72. Do—Carmen?
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73. Do we need to send
somebody by to
check to see
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74. If you've been
taking your meds?
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75. Yes.
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76. Speak into
the microphone.
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77. Yes, you do need to send
somebody by.
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78. Hey, Carmen, real quick
before we go.
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79. We just wanted to ask.
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80. There was this vacuum
cleaner salesman
who went missing.
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81. Oh, yeah, yeah.
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82. Have you seen this man,
Mr. Merrick?
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83. Uh... yeah, no.
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84. Yeah, first
you said yes.
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85. You said yeah.
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86. You have seen him?
He went missing
about 10 days ago.
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87. In this
neighborhood.
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88. Has it been 10 days?
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89. OK. I'm gonna search
the house, you keep
her talking.
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90. Yeah. Let's get to the part
where...
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91. Carl Merrick,
are you still alive?
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92. where you either—
I'm just guessing.
I'm gonna take a wild guess...
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93. hey, Carmen,
where should I start looking?
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94. you either
tied him up or...
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95. You can start in the freezer.
Or the—No, no.
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96. Is he in one piece?
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97. Well...
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98. Mr. Merrick.
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99. His head is.
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100. OK.
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101. Mm-Hmm.
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102. OK. Um...
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103. It's weird. It's just
like a vacuum, like
they come apart so easy.
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104. People?
Yeah.
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105. Oh, my god! OK,
he's not missing anymore.
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106. We don't miss him.
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107. Listen, listen, listen to me. I
can ex—
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108. Yes?
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109. Well, first of all,
can we get a smoothie?
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110. sure, we can.
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111. We're out here at
the Sage Brush motorhome park
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112. Serving a search warrant
on a Mr. Steven Samantino.
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113. A lot of scumbags
live in this area.
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114. It's a shame 'cause
it's a really nice area.
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115. Yeah, you kidding?
It's like the Taj
Mahal here.
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116. Frank. It's this one.
It's right here.
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117. OK.
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118. How do you know
how to do this?
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119. 'Cause I know how to
do it. I take a class
at the learning annex.
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120. Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
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121. Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department!
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122. Sheriff's department!
Sheriff's department!
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123. Sheriff's department!
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124. Franky, are you OK?
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125. I'm fine because no one—
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126. It's moving.
What the fuck!
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127. It's moving.
What's going on?
What's going on?
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128. We're moving.
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129. Why are we moving?
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130. Why are we moving?
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131. Stop this mobile home!
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132. Let me out!
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133. 1, 2, 3!
Tuck and roll!
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134. I can't do it.
What?
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135. It's high.
It looks so painful.
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136. I'll do it.
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137. All right.
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138. 1, 2, 3.
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139. I can't do it.
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140. Come back in.
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141. OK. Let's go
at the same time.
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142. All right. OK.
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143. 1, 2, 3!
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144. A federal witness
we were keeping in
protective custody.
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145. When's the trial,
two weeks?
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146. Two weeks.
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147. Mario?
I guess. Mario?
Are you Mario?
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148. I've heard of this. There's
times, you know, where the dog,
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149. Like, can identify a smell.
Ah, so the dog probably...
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150. Lived with a murderer.
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151. Yes, yes.
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152. And so...
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153. And they're gonna
bring 'em on the stand,
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154. And they're gonna
bring Mario.
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155. They're gonna ask the dog,
they're gonna say,
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156. Is this the man? And the dog
will know by smell.
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157. Yeah.
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158. Good Mario.
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159. Oh, maybe the dog
swallowed some kind of,
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160. Like, microfilm
or something.
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161. Oh, yeah.
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162. Maybe he's got
microfilm in him,
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163. Like he swallowed
some kind of evidence,
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164. Some kind of, like, tape
or, like, some kind of—
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165. You know those new,
weird little things
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166. You can put
in your computer,
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167. And they're like discs
but they're, like,
little suppositories.
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168. Little firewires.
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169. Yeah, little firewires.
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170. Yeah,
maybe he ate a firewire.
Did you eat a firewire?
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171. Did you eat a firewire?
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172. Did you eat a firewire,
Mario.
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173. Did you eat a firewire?
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174. Are supposed to wait for this
dog to poop some sort of
evidence out? No, no, no.
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175. I would have thought
they would have told us
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176. To check his poop
for a firewire.
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177. No, no. We're just supposed
to turn—We're supposed
to keep Mario safe.
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178. Oh. Ho ho. Who's a good
witness for the state?
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179. Who's a witness
for the state, Mario?
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180. Who's a witness for the state?
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181. Mario is a witness
for the state. Ha ha!
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182. Did you feel any
firewire in there?
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183. Ah. All right, look.
You know what?
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184. He's got to have something...
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185. This guy's got to have
something here to...
to drink.
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186. I could use a drink maybe.
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187. I'm thirsty.
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188. Ah, eureka! Huh? Huh?
What about it?
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189. I'm not usually a drinker.
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190. Come on.
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191. But today I drink.
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192. Today you drink, right?
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193. Here is to us
getting to know
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194. Each other a little better.
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195. All right. Here is to
us getting the fuck
out of here
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196. Before I blow
my brains out.
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197. OK, OK, touche.
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198. I actually feel like
I can stand a little
bit better now.
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199. Yeah?
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200. Yeah. I'll have
some more of that.
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201. All right.
It makes me feel—
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202. All right, I'll do it.
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203. I didn't think I was
gonna have fun,
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204. And I'm actually
having fun.
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205. I am, too.
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206. I feel like
we're at a disco.
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207. It's kind of like
a disco, huh?
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208. Or like a mosh pit,
right? Whoa, whoa. Oh.
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209. Is that your penis?
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210. That is my penis.
Is that your vagina?
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211. It is my vagina.
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212. OK.
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213. I don't hate this.
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214. This is not
a terrible thing.
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215. This not the worst thing
that has happened since
we have been in here.
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216. No. In fact, I would say it's
the best thing that happened,
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217. And I don't mind if it keeps
happening for at least
another 45 seconds.
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218. Every time we do this,
I get nauseous. The back
and forth, winding...
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219. Well, we got to.
We got a 911 call
from ranger Glen.
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220. ahh!
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221. what happened?
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222. Take it easy, buddy.
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223. Get back. No, no, no.
Don't come. It could
be contagious.
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224. Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg
and tried to rip it off,
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225. And I fought him, and he tried
to get my stuff,
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226. And I had to
fight him off,
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227. And he put—Took my tibia
and grabbed a piece of bone
out of my leg,
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228. And he ran off with a piece
of my bone,
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229. And I—Get back!
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230. It happened, like,
two days ago,
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231. And I didn't want to call you
guys, so it started
clotting up—
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232. Two days you've been
in this kind of crazy,
screaming pain?
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233. Yeah.
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234. How come you didn't
call us before then?
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235. 'Cause I don't like bothering
you guys.
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236. I know you hate coming out
the 30, 40 miles to get here.
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237. I'm really sorry, but this
thing's got to get me into town
for a couple weeks.
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238. I got my day pack inside.
I got—Are you guys thirsty?
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239. What?
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240. Wait a minute.
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241. It's got, like—
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242. Don't get close to it, officer.
It's got, like—
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243. What—
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244. Don't eat my blood!
What are you, a zombie?
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245. Spaghetti sauce.
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246. Come on, I'll show you.
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247. I put spaghetti sauce on it,
but there is a wound.
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248. I'm not lying.
I'm gonna come with you.
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249. you're not—
Get out of here.
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250. I have a—
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251. You're not coming with us.
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252. I have a compound fracture!
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253. You do not.
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254. 911, Donner—Donner pass.
We have a 911!
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255. Give me that!
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256. Man down! Man down!
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257. Give me that.
Give me that!
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258. Man down!
Big, big, big, big!
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259. OK, OK.
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260. You have the right
to remain sexy.
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261. Can I make a suggestion?
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262. Yeah.
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263. Can I take my pants
off first?
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264. Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.
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265. The pressure in that shower
was unbelievable.
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266. Who would have thought
a moving motor home
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267. Would have such
good water pressure?
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268. Â♪ lady in the shower
should I be so lucky
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269. Ha ha!
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270. You know who sang that?
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271. You did. Just now.
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272. Me. I sang it.
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273. All right, kids,
I am deputy Williams,
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274. And I'm gonna talk to y'all
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275. About keeping yourself safe
from pregnancy.
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276. Now, I know you've probably
heard a lot,
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277. You know, about condoms
or abstinence
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278. I'm gonna talk to you about
something even better than that.
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279. Mmm, getting your tubes tied.
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280. Yes! Raise your hand if you know
what an epidural is.
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281. Anybody? All this?
Mine is still dead.
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282. I don't feel none of that.
They're gonna cut you across
here, all right.
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283. Then they're gonna take the
bottom of our stomach and
they gonna clip, clip that
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284. To your breast meat.
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285. All right, now if some of y'all
are still as flat-chested as you
are right now,
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286. They just gonna skiz it up
underneath your ribcage.
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287. Then you'll feel a tugging
sensation, huh?
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288. You feel this just
being tugged on.
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289. Then after that,
you smell bacon.
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290. Huh? All right. Because that's
the laser burning your tubes.
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291. Hopefully you do understand
if you want to get
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292. With your man, have a plan.
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293. Ahh...
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294. Ah, thanks. I'm gonna
watch the game, I think.
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295. The football game on.
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296. Check out the game,
crack open a beer,
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297. Chill out, relax
and adjust.
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298. You know what? Wow.
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299. What do you mean, wow?
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300. Oh, just wow.
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301. Wha... what do
you mean, wow?
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302. I just feel like a whore.
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303. You and the—
Aw, here we go.
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304. No, don't touch me.
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305. Here we go.
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306. No. Don't you know how
that makes me feel?
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307. Oh, how does it make
you feel?
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308. How do you think
that makes me feel,
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309. Like I'm slaving
over the stove. It's like—
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310. I didn't ask you
to slave.
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311. You said, "I'm gonna cut
up these tomatoes."
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312. Aw, now you're gonna
make fun of my accent?
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313. Hey, how about
some spray cheese?
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314. Ah ba ba ba ba!
Here we go. Here we go!
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315. spray cheese than that.
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316. Honeymoon's over, I guess.
Honeymoon's over, OK?
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317. You know what?
Fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
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318. No, no, fuck it.
I'll do the dishes.
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319. I should have known
better than to fuck
an Italian.
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320. Fuck.
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321. They are these brand-new
Al-Queda dogs.
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322. They're smart dogs.
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323. They're smart dogs.
And what they do is
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324. They put these little
chips in 'em.
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325. It's a surveillance dog.
Yeah. Right.
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326. Are you an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog, Mario?
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327. Is that why we're turning
you over to the state's—
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328. He looks a little bit
like an Al-Qaeda
surveillance dog.
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329. And so like—
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330. There's like a—There's
a microphone in here.
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331. I see something.
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332. Testing, 1, 2, 1, 2, check,
1, 2. Mario mic check.
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333. Mario microphone check.
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334. This would have been
a very good Encyclopedia
Brown,
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335. This sort of case.
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336. Phone's not supposed
to be ringing, is it?
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337. No.
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338. They're probably right
outside the door.
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339. What they're doing is
they're checking to see
if we're in here,
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340. And if we're in here,
they're gonna know I'm
right by the phone,
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341. And they're gonna come in
and shoot in this corner.
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342. I'm getting in front
of the dog.
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343. Yep.
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344. OK. Is mar—
Get behind me, Mario.
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345. You stay behind him.
Stay behind him.
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346. Stay right behind me,
Mario.
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347. Stay behind him, Mario.
OK. Ready?
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348. Swear to god.
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349. Pick it up.
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350. Room 304.
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351. Uh, no, that's OK. We don't
need turn-down service.
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352. Thank you, though. Gracias.
You have a nice day, too.
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353. Kind of got
to take a leak.
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354. Go for it.
I'll watch the witness.
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355. Whew.
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356. Then we'll check
the hall again.
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357. And then after that, we'll check
the roof again, yeah?
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358. Yeah, let's do a sweep
of the roof.
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359. We'll do a sweep of
the hall... sweep again.
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360. We ain't sweep
the basement
in a while either.
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361. Uh, Junior?
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362. Yes, sir?
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363. There's no chance that
this is Mario, is there?
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364. That makes
a lot more sense.
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365. That's—Yep.
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366. and what's
this word here?
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367. first time offender.
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368. OK, what's
this word here?
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369. Uh, incarceration?
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370. Very good.
Yeah.
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371. What's this here?
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372. Bludgeon tool.
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373. Bludgeon. Let's work
on bludgeon.
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374. Bludgeon.
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375. One more time.
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376. Maybe you say it for me
and then I can—
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377. Ready? Ready?
OK.
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378. Let's look
at it together,
and I'll say it.
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379. OK.
Bludgeon.
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380. Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
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381. Bludgeon. Bludgeon.
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382. I'm gonna bludgeon you.
Bludgeon.
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383. My mouth don't go like that.
How do you do that?
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384. It doesn't have
to go like that.
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385. It doesn't have
to go like that.
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386. It's just a word.
Is bludgeon.
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387. Oh. Sawed-Off shotgun.
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388. Exactly.
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389. Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed
to book Benjamin Talmadge
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390. For 4 counts of grand ferony?
Ferony? Feroni?
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391. Yeah. Ferony.
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392. What's that?
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393. Oh, Cindy, that's—
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394. Ferony. You know,
there's, like, misdemeanor,
there's ferony.
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395. Ferony. Got it.
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396. OK, you say
that one time?
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397. Ferony.
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398. Ferony.
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399. Pretty good.
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400. Uh, I was having problems
reading that report.
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401. What is that word?
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402. Rarceny. You know, it's when
people steal something.
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403. Called rarceny, right?
Attempted rarceny.
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404. It's a ferony.
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405. Trudy! Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! We stopped.
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406. We stopped.
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407. We stopped. We stopped.
Take this, take this.
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408. What? OK.
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409. Here we go.
OK.
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410. I'm sorry.
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411. I'm sorry, too.
OK.
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412. Senor. Passaportes.
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413. Uh... no tengo passaportes.
No tengo at all passaportes.
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414. Can I offer you some money?
Dinero? Dinero?
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415. Robert Deniro, huh?
Robert Deniro.
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416. Hmm, you talking to me?
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417. Well, my name is Chris.
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418. My name is Glen,
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419. And it's a pleasure to be here
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420. To talk to you
about your 401K program.
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421. Are you guys excited?
We say 401, you say K.
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422. 401.
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423. K.
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424. Glen and Chris: 401.
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425. K.
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426. Great job, great job.
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427. You guys were
in our premiere fund,
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428. It's called
the international fund,
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429. We put all you guys
in there,
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430. And things were going
so great.
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431. You guys were making
so much money.
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432. Here's the bad news. Hold on.
I know it's exciting.
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433. As you may have read
in the newspapers,
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434. The economy collapsed
all across the world,
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435. And the international fund
lost a shitload of money.
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436. Yes.
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437. What is the total value of
our 401k's today, right now?
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438. If we were taking it
in cash.
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439. The international fund with
everybody from this department
invested
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440. Was worth over
$12 billion with...
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441. With everyone around the world
that's what it was at
the very beginning
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442. Right now, it's worth
just over $200,000.
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443. $200,000.
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444. It dipped. It dipped.
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445. I don't want to get hung up
on how much you lost
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446. Because when I looked
on your website,
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447. It clearly said that you invest
with the best possible
decision-Making
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448. And sometimes it benefits
and sometimes you can't
predict the future.
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449. That's a great question.
That's a great question.
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450. That's
a great question.
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451. That's a great point
and a great question.
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452. Where did the money
for our 401k's come from?
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453. These are taken
out of your paychecks.
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454. It's deducted
automatically
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455. And is put away for
your retirement.
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456. We've been paying into this.
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457. You've been paying into it.
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458. You've been paying into this
without even knowing it.
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459. That's the beauty of it.
You didn't even feel it.
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460. It's planning for your
future without even
thinking about it.
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461. You didn't even have
to think.
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462. Thank you. Thank you,
thank you for doing that for us.
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463. Thank you for letting us not
have to make these
hard decisions.
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464. And you know what?
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465. Yeah, we all make mistake.
We all have problems?
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466. But you know what?
I'm not gonna blame you.
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467. I'm not gonna blame you.
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468. All I'm gonna say is thank you,
and I'm gonna say whatever.
I'm cool.
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469. Thank you,
officer Bates.
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470. And we'll say it right
off the bat—We're sorry.
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471. Accepted.
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472. There's nothing going on
between me and Rizzo.
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473. I don't even know why
anyone would even have
a recommendation
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474. To say something so
absurd like that.
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475. Rizzo and I have
nothing going on.
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476. Nothing happened
in a trailer between
the two of us.
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477. He did ever—He has
never put his fingers
inside of me
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478. That I can recall.
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479. We've never made out.
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480. I never confessed
my love to him,
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481. And he has never, ever,
ever come in me from
behind.
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482. That's absurd.
That's absurd.
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483. Uh. It seems specific,
I know you're thinking.
And it is.
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484. I have a very
photographic brain,
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485. A lot like Ansel Adams
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486. But in color and with
a lot more insertion
and pubic hair.
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487. So you and Rizzo did it?
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488. We fucked in
the trailer, yeah.
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489. Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!
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490. Glen, 'cause
I had to tell 'em.
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491. Pat 'em down.
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492. OK. Pat 'em down.
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493. I had to tell them.
It's very convenient.
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494. Jail is very, very close.
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495. Very, very, very close.
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496. Get 'em out of here.
Take off all their clothes.
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497. Take off
all their clothes.
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498. It's a little prank. We'll hose
'em off. We'll strip 'em naked,
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499. And we'll leave 'em in sparks.
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500. We'll leave 'em in sparks.
We'll leave 'em in sparks.
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501. Ready? Strip 'em,
hose 'em.
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