Reno 911! 6x8

1. Oh, hey.

2. What you got there?

3. Uh, noth—It's a Blu-Ray disk system.

4. A Blu-Ray disk system, huh? Yeah?

5. Is it worth going to jail for that—For a $700 DVD player?

6. 700? No, man. They dropped these down

7. To, like, 250, 269 right now.

8. No!

9. Oh, yeah. These is cheap as hell.

10. Now, if I watch Blu-Rays on my tube...

11. Is it gonna have letterbox,

12. Or is it gonna be full frame like standard?

13. OK, now, if what you asked for was a 16x9...

14. hey, guys.

15. I do not know. Hello, officer.

16. hi. hey.

17. what you got there?

18. Oh, a little Blu-Ray player.

19. Brand-new Blu-Ray player.

20. Oh, a Blu-Ray player.

21. Hey, I got a question.

22. Yeah.

23. Do those things play on plasmas or just CRTs?

24. No, no. These play on plasma, CRTs, DLPs...

25. He says— LCDs, any kind of format you have.

26. How much did you pay for that one right there?

27. Oh, this one right here?

28. Yeah.

29. Oh, this was free for me. I stole it.

30. Uh!

31. Hey, junior?

32. Yeah?

33. You still got that 8-Track tape player?

34. Yeah. I don't think those will work on a Blu-Ray, though.

35. Oh. Shit

36. Captioning made possible by MTV networks

37. Son of a bitch. God damn it!

38. They all have guns!

39. Ow!

40. Aah! Aah!

41. Who did that?

42. Uh, hey, Rizzo?

43. Yes, sir.

44. Are you—Are you using metric on your evidence bags?

45. Metric? Am I using metric on my—

46. Sometimes—This isn't me.

47. This was from internal affairs.

48. Sent me a memo that said sometimes a couple of evidence bags

49. Have come through where the amount of whatever was in it

50. Didn't match what it was labeled as.

51. Yeah, yeah. I'm using metric.

52. You're using metric?

53. Yeah. I was using metric.

54. Which is the other one, right?

55. The other one, yeah.

56. OK. Just because they didn't match up.

57. Oh, OK. How many are metric? 4?

58. as long as it matches.

59. If it says you've got a bag of something and—

60. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

61. it's not me. It's the people—

62. I get it.

63. I honestly don't care.

64. That's not a problem. It's not a problem.

65. Oh. I have the results from lice check yesterday.

66. Do you want me to read who does or who doesn't?

67. Who does. Who does.

68. The shorter is who don't, OK?

69. And it says a lot about black hair. You don't.

70. Way to go. Uh, everybody else, zzz.

71. We're doing mandatories today.

72. Mandatory what?

73. Zzz. Heads and pubes.

74. So who's doing the shaving?

75. It doesn't matter.

76. I want to know who's doing the shaving.

77. It doesn't matter.

78. It matters. Why won't you answer the question?

79. It doesn't matter, but the results are in,

80. And it's almost everybody, and I'm doing the shaving.

81. if you're doing the shaving, can we see

82. The official doctor's results of the lie test?

83. I don't have it here. I don't have it here.

84. I remembered. It's on my desk.

85. It's in a big pile of stuff on my desk.

86. Nobody's—

87. oh, man. Little boy who cried lice.

88. I ain't getting shaved.

89. no, neither am I.

90. because you said we had to shave our pubes for chiggers two weeks ago.

91. Jim— That ain't true.

92. Why don't you just turn it into a witch hunt?

93. Wait. What did you just say?

94. How dare you.

95. What did you just say?

96. chiggers. Chiggers.

97. chigger. Please.

98. Hey! Hey, chickadee, come here.

99. Wow!

100. Wow! How are you?

101. Frank, right?

102. That's right.

103. I think we had a good practice. I'm sorry you missed it.

104. Oh, I am, too. You know I'm usually there, you know.

105. Yeah.

106. I'll tell you, did Frankie Jr. And Isabella also practice?

107. Oh, the Rizzo kids? They're doing good.

108. They're having a real good time.

109. Are they? The drills are going well? They're going through the cones OK?

110. Nah. They don't do the cones so great, you know.

111. There are several skill sets that we really need to work on

112. With Frank Jr. And Izzy.

113. It's funny you bring this up. This is why I'm here.

114. You know, game time. Let's talk about game time for a little bit.

115. Sure. OK.

116. Well, I tell you, you know, the kids are not playing as much game time,

117. Not playing the game as much as I'd like to see them,

118. And you know, they're not coming home very happy.

119. Listen, they get out there once per game, OK?

120. That's the guarantee we make every parent.

121. The Peterson kid is out there more than once a game.

122. He's out there the whole game.

123. Don't throw the Peterson kid out there as an example.

124. I'm pulling the Peterson card.

125. You know very well that Tim Peterson is terminal.

126. OK. Because the child is dying...

127. Right.

128. We are allowing the child to play

129. A little bit more soccer than we normally would...

130. Fine. Given his skill level.

131. Let—Look. Let the dying kid play soccer.

132. I get it. I'm with you on that.

133. All right, good.

134. Frank is making a lot of progress down there.

135. He's not one of our strongest players.

136. That's just a fact.

137. I don't—I know I'm misunderstanding,

138. Because I thought you were calling my kid a sissy.

139. I don't think that's what you were doing.

140. I never said that word. He's not a sissy.

141. He's just a fearful, frightened, violent boy.

142. Chupacabra!: Yi yi yi! OK, we're back

143. In chupacabra cuckoo-rico, cuckoo-rico.

144. Mira a usted.

145. A bear. Declan, you are a bear.

146. Mounts on top of this little puny—To make sex with him.

147. Hey!

148. Hey! There are no temples hanging from ceilings

149. For you to come to want to eat them like food hanging from a tree.

150. You are a bear. Don't you hit me with that phone.

151. Don't you hit me with that phone. This is my house.

152. Yipe! Aah!

153. And let's go to the music.

154. Aah! Aah!

155. OK.

156. Chupa!

157. Calm yourself. You all right?

158. That was great. That was great radio. Thank you so much.

159. "Star Wars trumpet. Look it up.

160. Her name is Kristen— Kristen—Stacey Hedger.

161. And she plays it with her... Stacey Hedger.

162. Vagina?

163. No, no, no, no, no. She plays it with her mouth.

164. No, it's still amazing.

165. What's she doing with her vagina?

166. Nothing. Nothing.

167. She plays trumpet. It's on Youtube?

168. Yeah. Mayor Hernandez. Why would he be calling me?

169. Hola. Buenos dias.

170. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Mayor Hernandez, I don't understand you.

171. Sierra Arms. Sierra Arms motor lodge. We're on our way.

172. Yeah.

173. We are on our way right now. Shit.

174. Getting rid of a hooker?

175. Yup. Shit.

176. Guess what.

177. Quick stop at the hardware store?

178. Same shit, different day.

179. Oh, you know what? I think we still have bleach in the trunk.

180. Do we? I do.

181. Do we have the...

182. Nope. Hardware store. Hardware store.

183. mayor Hernandez.

184. Oh, my heroes. Come on in.

185. calm down. It's OK. It's OK. We know the drill.

186. We know the drill. We've done it before.

187. We get her in the tub. We get this down.

188. Boom, boom, boom. Zip, zip, zip.

189. Bleach, bleach, bleach, trunk, trunk, trunk, out.

190. No, no. The hooker's not dead, man.

191. She's not dead?

192. You said get rid of a hooker.

193. I married her, man. I fucking married her.

194. Oh. No, no, no. You're already married.

195. No, no, no.

196. I'm already married.

197. Bunny will freak out.

198. I'm already married, man. She's gonna fucking kill me, man.

199. aah!

200. Are you crazy?

201. I love you. No!

202. She's crazy!

203. Aah! Aah!

204. No, no, no.

205. you never loved me!

206. I love him.

207. I'm sure you do. I love him.

208. Be nice to her. Be nice to her.

209. Do you remember last night?

210. I don't—I don't— Do you remember it?

211. I don't.

212. Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

213. I taped it all. I taped it all. I taped it all.

214. Ow! She's biting me! Aah!

215. aah!

216. I need a favor, Jones. I'm gonna go talk to the soccer coach, OK?

217. This is all I need you to do.

218. Just hold this bat for me.

219. For what? What am I— Why am I holding—

220. Don't worry about for what.

221. Just because you're a big black guy and you're scary.

222. I can say that because I'm not racist.

223. Hey! Hey, chickadee.

224. Oh, hi, Frank.

225. How are you, man?

226. I'm good. How are you?

227. Good to see you.

228. You just pop up at the strangest times.

229. Oh, you know, I like to be involved in my kids' life.

230. Coach Brad, how are you?

231. Jonesy, how are you?

232. How you doing? Great to see you, dude.

233. Likewise. Likewise.

234. Listen, listen, listen, listen.

235. Frankie came back after you played the Panda Bears...

236. Yeah. Great game. Real great game.

237. Yeah. Well, you guys won, and that's the most important thing.

238. yeah, we did.

239. They were undefeated going in.

240. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

241. That Peterson kid— You need to—

242. Listen to me. Listen to me.

243. Wasn't he amazing?

244. Oh, it was incredible.

245. Man, I cried.

246. Yeah. A lot of people did.

247. These are regulation balls.

248. What are you doing? What—

249. This is— I—I—

250. now listen to me!

251. I apologize.

252. You're gonna tell your team—

253. Your team to foul the other team and trip them

254. So my son can score a goal!

255. And if you don't get that other team to cheat,

256. Something else very bad is gonna happen

257. Besides parking tickets!

258. I understand what you're saying to me.

259. You're being very, very clear.

260. You're making threats.

261. I believe you will follow through on them.

262. I have no doubt that you will.

263. But I'm gonna tell you this and make it very clear.

264. Yeah?

265. Frank Jr. Is a very bad soccer player even for his age.

266. Fuck you! Come on. Let's go. Fuck you.

267. It would be a betrayal of my responsibilities as coach...

268. yeah, your responsibilities.

269. For me to put in a weak player.

270. this is Cindy. She's, um—She works here

271. At the Reno sheriff's department now.

272. We sort of rescued her. She was a sex slave.

273. Am I saying that right?

274. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

275. Yeah. She used to have sex.

276. You know, I so appreciate work for you.

277. Oh, we're so glad to have you.

278. And I'm so surprised they let a 16-year-old boy work as a policeman,

279. But I know that one day, you're going to be very strong and—

280. She says that because I have a little bit

281. Of a mustache—Just a slight mustache.

282. oh, she a girl?

283. That's a girl.

284. Uh—Yeah, I mean a beautiful, beautiful lady boy.

285. No, it's—You know what? It's a—

286. A lot of people make that mistake.

287. I have a very large pubic mound.

288. Everybody calm down.

289. Calm down, everybody! Shit!

290. OK, everybody's cool? What's your name, baby?

291. Hey.

292. Auria. Auria?

293. Auria. Beautiful—

294. Gloria! God, you get—

295. Aah! Aah!

296. she's going for the gun! No!

297. Shit, shit, shit.

298. No, no, no. We're not gonna shoot at anybody today.

299. Gloria? Gloria?

300. Gloria?

301. What?

302. Do we shoot people we love?

303. Sometimes.

304. Sometimes.

305. Say no more! Aah!

306. Oh! Oh, my god! She's biting. She's biting. She's biting. She's biting.

307. Listen, you got to go.

308. I don't want to go anywhere.

309. You got to go.

310. I don't want to go..

311. I'm gonna kill you if you don't go.

312. You kill me. I want to die in your arms.

313. You want to die in my arms? You might.

314. In your arms.

315. Get her. Get her.

316. Go to sleep now.

317. Night night.

318. Got to— Aah!

319. Get her! Get her!

320. In. In. There we go.

321. Aah! No!

322. Get her!

323. In we go. No!

324. Here we go. Here we go.

325. it's an exciting day here at the Reno sheriff's department.

326. The new Japanese gun belts are here!

327. Yay! Fresh off the boat.

328. State-of-the-art Nadgata belt.

329. It's 12 ounces.

330. You got a taser, two clips, nerve gas, GPS, ultraviolet light

331. For forensic blood testing in the field, aluminum handcuffs.

332. Sank you a-velly much.

333. All right, what do you say? Let's strap it on.

334. Whoo hoo! Going for a ride.

335. Oh.

336. Sure is a—

337. Dear god.

338. Maximum waist size 26 inches.

339. Huh? Huh huh, bam. It's cute, huh?

340. Get me into this thing.

341. No. You're gonna hurt yourself. It's not—It's not—No. Hey.

342. Hey, hey, hey!

343. I just cracked a rib.

344. I'm dying.

345. you're not dying.

346. If I pull you out of these wet towels, will you stop biting?

347. Yes.

348. And be a lady? I'm a lady.

349. Are you gonna act like a lady? Yes.

350. How would you like 35 US Dollars to

351. Walk out of here right now?

352. that's a lot. That's a lot...

353. $35.

354. where you come from.

355. Don't talk to me like that. $35?

356. $35?

357. take it.

358. we get you a bus ticket.

359. We send you someplace beautiful where you become

360. The Doppler radar girl,

361. Or we douse you in bleach, cover you with towels,

362. And get you out of here and set you on fire.

363. take the first one.

364. I'll fucking kill you.

365. Right here. Here it is. Here it is. Sheriff's department!

366. Sheriff's department. What happened?

367. How are you?

368. we came as fast as we could.

369. Nice to see you. Wiegel, right? Yeah.

370. Yeah.

371. Rizzo, how are you? Hey, how are you?

372. Nice to see you guys. Come on in.

373. What's the emergency?

374. There was a robbery. Let me get you something to drink, though.

375. Wait, wait, wait. We don't need anything to drink.

376. There was a robbery. Did they just recently—

377. Yeah. Breaking and entering—Y'all ought to write this down.

378. There was a breaking and entering, 10-40, whatever you call those.

379. Yeah. And a forceful entry,

380. And I think I might have been accosted or something.

381. You think you might have been accosted.

382. On the other hand, today is my birthday.

383. Happy birthday.

384. Yeah? I turn 40 October 13.

385. I just wanted a little company,

386. And maybe it was a raccoon, or it could have been—

387. Hold on. Glen, excuse me. It's October 17.

388. That's the date. October 17 is the date.

389. You missed your birthday.

390. It was a couple of days ago.

391. This is—Your cocoa bear shit cake is all for naught.

392. Happy birthday.

393. No, no. No, no.

394. No, you know what?

395. I'm already 40.

396. It's close enough. It's close enough.

397. You know what I did for my birthday?

398. I got stung by a bee and passed out in my cabin.

399. That's where the day went.

400. Go away!

401. It's my favorite kind of thing.

402. It is October 13.

403. Today actually is his birthday.

404. It is his birthday. That was a good one, Trudy. You're good.

405. Lonely motherfucker.

406. I just like that there's someone out there

407. That's more lonely than me.

408. Mm-Hmm.

409. This is gonna have to stop.

410. Can I tell you something?

411. I'm beginning to feel harassed.

412. Uh-Oh. Snagle-Puss is upset.

413. I'm not harassing you. OK.

414. I'm not harassing you.

415. I'm making sure that you're getting home safely

416. To 116 Elm Street.

417. 116 Elm Street? Oh, I lived there when I first got married.

418. It was 6 years ago.

419. You're not at 116 Elm Street anymore?

420. No.

421. Well, wherever you're going, wherever that might be,

422. I wanted to make sure that you got there safe, and that's no—

423. Really?

424. You had no problems? I've had no problems.

425. These streets are dangerous.

426. I don't find that.

427. Yeah. How did the—How did the practice go?

428. We had a very good practice today.

429. You did? Yeah. We sure did.

430. That's terrific.

431. A lot of the kids are really coming a long way.

432. Yeah?

433. Not Frankie and Izzy, I have to say.

434. That's a shame.

435. Hey, listen. You got to watch that taillight. That taillight's out.

436. Oh, is it?

437. Yeah, it is.

438. OK.

439. Hey, hey! You just broke the taillight!

440. No, I didn't.

441. Whatever's in here, we got to get rid of.

442. Oh. Oh. Oh...

443. Wedding-Slash-Sex.

444. Oh, my god.

445. Uh, we're watching your sex tape.

446. what? Mr. Mayor.

447. That's me. Can you make the screen bigger?

448. I can't make the screen any bigger.

449. This is the size of the screen.

450. You can see my leg in that one part. Remember that?

451. You're pulling up—You're pulling up—

452. What? I'm pulling out?

453. You're pulling up to the drive-through right now.

454. I know that guy. Sergio!

455. is this like a minister?

456. that's where I got married.

457. That's where we got married.

458. It was so romantic.

459. these drive-through chapels just make it too easy.

460. they make it too easy. No blood test, nothing. You just go right in.

461. Give me the beef and cheddar, motherfucker!

462. OK, this is not a chapel.

463. This is, uh, Arby's. what?

464. Yeah, that's Arby's drinks, Arby's bags, beef and cheddars.

465. do you want hash browns?

466. I do! I do!

467. I do!

468. yeah.

469. We're not married?

470. No, you're not married.

471. No. You said "I do" to hash browns.

472. Yeah. We're gonna clean you off, get you in the shower,

473. And then we will get you back to Bunny.

474. Nobody is any the wiser.

475. We ought to clean this place up.

476. You're Latina. Clean it up. Ha ha ha!

477. sheriff's department!

478. Sheriff's department! Everybody freeze!

479. come on in. Everything's fine.

480. Everything's fine. Everything's fine.

481. We got a domestic disturbance call.

482. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

483. I wanted to get you guys here,

484. And that was the best way to do it.

485. Surprise. I'm giving you a surprise sundae party.

486. Wait, what?

487. To show my appreciation for all the hard work you do.

488. We got a domestic disturbance call.

489. I know, and under, like, 10 minutes ago, you guys got here.

490. Goodness gracious.

491. It was actually 6.5 minutes

492. Because we thought maybe someone was being killed.

493. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

494. It was, uh, it was not that at all.

495. And she did a great job, right?

496. Who is she?

497. She. She's my wife. She made the call.

498. She's involved with amateur theatrics,

499. And I'll bet she did a bang-up job.

500. Where is she?

501. She—Uh, she's—She noticed that we were out of cherries,

502. And she got in the car and went to go get

503. Some cherries to bring it back

504. To make it perfect for you.

505. Who likes ice cream?

506. I do. Ah!

507. I like ice cream.

508. Well, there we go! Let's have a little...

509. We don't get appreciated very often.

510. Hey. Yes.

511. You and your wife stop playing on the damn phone.

512. We will, I promise, after this night only.

513. I wish you had cherries.

514. Oh, I know, but—

515. I'm gonna check in here.

516. Maybe you do—You do have cherries, right behind the fridge.

517. Damn.

518. Hah!

519. Was the whipped cream supposed to blind us?

520. Yup.

521. There are no words.

522. Anytime. Anytime. Anytime, sir.

523. You never have to thank us.

524. Best mayor we ever had. OK.

525. Thank you so much.

526. God bless you. Unbelievable.

527. And if you ever need a zzz version, you know...

528. We're in.

529. We can do that. Hey, do you guys want to...

530. No, we're good.

531. We're fine. We're fine.

532. Believe me, if Bunny would have found out,

533. She would have killed me.

534. Secret's safe.

535. Baby?

536. Mmm.

537. Let me get cleaned up. We'll start all over again.

538. OK, baby. I love you.

539. We're gonna make love?

540. Yes. Yes!

541. Let me go wash myself up in the sink.

542. OK. Hurry.

543. Best mayor we ever had.

544. By a long shot. By a long shot. Yeah.

545. That Polish guy was insane.

546. Oh, no. Criminal.

547. uh, that about wraps it up

548. Except we did get a missing persons report.

549. That youth soccer coach Brad Petrie has gone missing,

550. So if anybody knows the whereabouts—

551. His family's very upset and called asking a bunch of times.

552. Frank, they asked—

553. Frank, you don't know anything about that, do you?

554. I don't. He might have just wanted to get away for a little bit.

555. Sure.

556. I'm sure his wife is worried sick.

557. I feel bad for the kids. They don't have a coach.

558. Yeah. Hell of a good coach. Hell of a good coach.

559. terrific coach.

560. I wonder if they'll get another coach...

561. he'll turn up.

562. That lets everyone play.

563. oh, no. Someone's in here.

564. First off, thanks so much.

565. All those parking tickets, boom. They're gone.

566. OK. That's great. That's great.

567. And the other thing—Settled.

568. OK, because I thought he was...

569. Gonna let her play with the silent stuff.

570. I'm pretty sure we can still fix that.

571. OK, great. Hey, is she really your sister?

572. Yeah, she's my sister, but sometimes we still...

573. OK. I'll see you. Thanks. Thanks, chupacabra.

574. Thank you!

575. The cocaine deal will happen

576. On McCarran park this Thursday at 3:00.

577. Come on down. Bring your cocaine.

578. I will bring the money, and we will make the transfer.