Reno 911! 6x6

1. so the district attorney's office

2. Has asked that we please stop referring

3. To them as nuts and butts checks.

4. Why? What do we call it?

5. They thought that it implies that we're having—

6. Ha ha ha! Yeah.

7. O.J. Simpson?

8. O.J. Simpson's belt.

9. how did you get that? Really?

10. My boy Rick, he works in booking down in Vegas.

11. When O.J. got busted, he swiped his belt.

12. How much he charge you for that?

13. $800.

14. That's a good deal.

15. That's an investment.

16. That's an investment.

17. That's a piece of history.

18. That could be in the Smithsonian.

19. Oh, ho, hoooo!

20. Rick in Clark county?

21. Vegas? Sold it to you?

22. Yeah. 800 bucks?

23. 1,000. Good deal, right?

24. Pretty good deal.

25. Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

26. Come on.

27. They all have guns!

28. Whoo hoo!

29. Ow!

30. Push them together?

31. Sheriff's department. I neeed your bike.

32. Oh! God!

33. Aah!

34. people, as you know, his holiness pope Benedict something something

35. Is embarking on a tour of North America.

36. He is going to New York,

37. He is going to Chicago,

38. He's going to Los Angeles,

39. And a city yet to be determined.

40. He is sending an advance team to Reno, Nevada,

41. To determine whether or not we should

42. Be the fourth host city.

43. I don't think I have to impress upon you

44. What this would mean to our little hamlet.

45. It would be a clusterfuck of biblical proportions.

46. We got to put up fucking concrete barriers,

47. We need port-a-potties, we got protesters,

48. We got Mexicans who love the pope,

49. We got Mexicans who hate the pope.

50. you didn't say this guy was a Mexican.

51. He's not a Mexican. He's got a lot of—

52. He's got a big Mexican fan base.

53. if you shit a turd that looks kind of like the pope,

54. Mexicans flock to it.

55. Oh, my goodness. Oh, look.

56. Take a 9-Hour bus ride.

57. Oh, that turd looks kind of like the pope.

58. Scare the shit out of these people.

59. I don't think I'm asking that much of you

60. To show these people that this place

61. Is the nut sac of the sierras

62. And not a place that he should come.

63. Let us not ask later was there something

64. We could have done to make the pope

65. Not come that we didn't do.

66. Hi. How are you?

67. Really, really super to have you.

68. I'm lieutenant Jim Dangle.

69. I'm Camerlengo Federico to his holiness the pope.

70. Oh, wonderful. OK. Super. Great.

71. Unh. Uh-Uh.

72. That's how we do that here.

73. This is Trudy Wiegel, uh...

74. It's very nice to meet you. Thank you.

75. A pleasure, to mee—

76. OK. Trudy—I don't know if you can tell right now.

77. Trudy's wearing an adult diaper.

78. You understand what that is?

79. Uh, this is deputy Travis Junior.

80. He likes them real young.

81. Crazy about that new nazi pope.

82. Batshit for him.

83. Uh, this is Francis Rizzo.

84. I asked you to cover that up.

85. I used to dress up as the pope when I was a kid.

86. I had the whole pope thing, I had the hat.

87. Shut your mouth. Uh, and this is Raineesha Williams,

88. Who is a Muslim.

89. Back up off me. Don't say nothing about what I believe

90. Because I ain't gonna say nothing

91. About what you believe

92. Because if you say something

93. About what I believe, it's gonna straight be a—

94. Oh, snap! OK, please. OK.

95. Lou, permission to stroke off my cock.

96. Never have to ask me. You never have to ask

97. Because this is Reno, Nevada.

98. I really think you're gonna like it here.

99. Sheriff's department. Sheriff's department.

100. Sheriff's department.

101. Damn. This place gives me the creeps.

102. Officers, officers, thank god you're here.

103. Look. One of our most dangerous patients has escaped.

104. He's not in his room anymore,

105. And we need to set up a perimeter.

106. I don't know what to do.

107. OK. We need a description right away.

108. He responds to the name Daniel,

109. He responds to several different names.

110. He's kind of balding, but we set up a perimeter.

111. I don't know what it is you guys need to do.

112. Police officers, police officers.

113. Thank goodness you guys are here.

114. You guys have him. Thank goodness.

115. This is one of our most dangerous patients.

116. Phew. This is a lot of weight off my shoulders.

117. OK. This is— This is Daniel. This is Daniel.

118. This is Daniel. This is Daniel?

119. How dare you, how dare you? This is the patient.

120. I am—I am a doctor. I am a doctor.

121. OK. Are you a doctor, or is he a—Who is—

122. I am a doctor. Daniel has a latent dissociative disorder.

123. Sir, we're gonna take—

124. I went to medical school at John Hodgkin's.

125. John Hodgkin's. Where'd you go?

126. I went to John— Johns Hopkins,

127. Which is a real medical school.

128. John Hodgkin's is not a real medical school.

129. Which one is it? Which one is a disease,

130. And which one is a school?

131. I think it's Hodgkin's. One's a disease—

132. No. Hodgkin's—Hodgkin's is a disease.

133. Hodgkin's lymphoma.

134. OK. Which one of you assholes

135. Took a shit in the rumpus room?

136. I did it.

137. We are seriously understaffed around here.

138. I did it. I did it. I did it.

139. Come on.

140. This place gives me the fucking creeps.

141. Bigger bummer. The big one... yep.

142. Uh, did my last, uh, proctology exam.

143. I don't know if it's something in the water,

144. But kids in Washoe county are getting dumber and dumber.

145. What the hell you think you're doing, boy?

146. "Teen wolfing," brah.

147. Son, you absolutely should not be doing this

148. Without filming it for Youtube.

149. Otherwise, how you gonna impress chicks?

150. Good idea!

151. Yeah. Say, "hello, Youtube!"

152. Hello, Youtube! Tremens gators! You kidding me?

153. You kidding me?

154. All right. Kids, you should never, ever,

155. Ever do this at home.

156. I'm a trained professional.

157. Yooo!

158. Yeah!

159. Whoo! Yeah!

160. Highsmith, I'm "teen wolfing" with a cop.

161. You look so cool, man.

162. Reno sheriff's dep—Oh, fuck shit.

163. Cowabunga, bro.

164. Raineesha and I have the honor today

165. Of bringing the pope's team to meet the mayor of Reno.

166. Yes. I'm very excited to meet the mayor.

167. I think you're gonna enjoy it, your impotence.

168. Mr. Mayor, this is the gentleman I told you about.

169. Hey! Hey, buddy!

170. Hello. Mayor of Reno!

171. It's a pleasure to meet you.

172. How are you?

173. you look fantastic, mayor Mike.

174. Thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

175. I feel like a million dollars.

176. This crown is significan—

177. Mayor crown. Mayor crown.

178. The pope wears a hat. I have a crown.

179. Funny how it worked out.

180. I would like to see your pope,

181. Your "pope," heh heh, come and turn a slurpee into wine.

182. He does not possess such abilities.

183. Could he turn root beer into beer?

184. We almost lose him, like, 10 times a day.

185. It's a possession! It's a possession!

186. It's not a possession.

187. It's not—There's no—You're joking.

188. Look. Oh, my god! Barghh.

189. Oh, look at it go. Rarrgh, rarrgh.

190. It's taking a left turn, holiness.

191. Please put that away.

192. Please put that awa—Do you pray?

193. Yeah.

194. Are you a religious man?

195. I pray I don't get any smellier.

196. Ha ha ha! Fuck it! Suck it! Shove it! Do it!

197. That's what we say in Reno—

198. Fuck it! Suck it! Shove it! Do it!

199. Now these—You know what these are called? Mexicans.

200. Oh. Sã.

201. Yeah. Sometimes, they get caught under your wheels.

202. OK. Get down. This is where you get shot at.

203. Every time you go through here, you get shot.

204. No! Get down, get down!

205. So, uh, this is Carmen. She calls a couple a times a week.

206. Hi, Carmen.

207. hi, butter.

208. What you doing there?

209. I'm building a wall to keep terrorists out of my venue. Look.

210. Did you have a problem with terrorists?

211. Well... yes. They were gonna try to get in their truck,

212. And I was like, "huh? Those guys look evil,"

213. And so I was like, "hey."

214. I was trying to make, like, a decoy,

215. And so I was like, "hey. If you guys

216. Want to come and hang out in my place."

217. That's hard to resist. Yeah.

218. So they—So they come in.

219. Of course because I've been brewing my own soda lately,

220. And, like—So I was like,

221. "Hey. You can have some of my soda," you know,

222. And then—And then, this is kind of what sealed the deal.

223. Sounds like this is where the big thing happened.

224. The climax. The climax.

225. The climax is they were like,

226. "Do you have any hand sanitizer?"

227. And that was a threat?

228. I said, "do they allow hand sanitizer on planes?

229. Not anymore. No. No, they don't."

230. Up to four ounces, they sure do.

231. You know what? Ultimately, they were like,

232. "Can we have some hand sanitizer?"

233. And I was like, "hold on. I'll be right back,"

234. And I did it kind of slow motion like that,

235. And then I gave you guys a call,

236. And then when I came out, they were gone.

237. Can I tell you something?

238. You did a good job here today

239. Because you didn't let them walk away with the sanitizer.

240. I think we're gonna be OK here.

241. Maybe next time you guys come,

242. I could get, like, a certificate or something.

243. We could probably pull that off.

244. Maybe, maybe. Sure.

245. Maybe, like, a key to the town.

246. No, not that, but we'll get you a certificate.

247. We'll get you a piece of paper.

248. Well, we'll start small, yeah.

249. OK.

250. date of birth, tough guy.

251. 07... 19... 80.

252. Yeah. Keep trying, big boy.

253. You ain't gonna get out of them.

254. Do it. Try it.

255. No—No pair of handcuffs in the world

256. That can hold me.

257. I'll bet you 10 bucks he'll make it out of those things.

258. I've got 10. I'll cover you for 5.

259. I say no. Aah!

260. I'll take that action.

261. Come on, cuffs!

262. Let's go! You can do it! You can do it!

263. Come on, cuffs.

264. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

265. Ohh! Come on, handcuffs.

266. Come on, handcuffs.

267. You can do it. Come on, boy.

268. Come on, handcuffs.

269. Go, go, go, go, go, go! Yeah!

270. You did it!

271. Made in fucking America.

272. Yep.

273. Oh, my god.

274. Is that a person?

275. Yeah.

276. Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am?

277. Hello—Hello, miss.

278. You had a bad— Something happened? Something happened.

279. OK. Just from the very beginning. OK.

280. All right. OK.

281. OK. We'll wait it out. We'll just get it out.

282. We'll get it all out. We're so upset.

283. We're upset, but we're getting over it,

284. And we're gonna get to the part—

285. OK. Did you fall off of a motorcycle?

286. Did you fall off of a motorcycle?

287. OK. He's coming back.

288. Sweetie, sweetie, he's coming back.

289. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

290. There. Good. Good. Just go to sleep.

291. Hey, hey. We should get her off to the side.

292. Let's get her off to the side.

293. We're just gonna put you here right there.

294. He'll be right back for you.

295. Go quickly. Quickly now.

296. Come on, Jim. Hurry.

297. If you wanted a car wash,

298. There was a brushless car wash

299. For 5.99 right back on this street.

300. No, no, no. This is a undercover sting.

301. You see, they got these car washes in town

302. That if you know the right code word,

303. You get a blow job, and so we're gonna try

304. To make a good bust here.

305. Speaking of good busts.

306. So all right. What are we looking for?

307. Well, one thing, we'll start

308. With the basic car wash,

309. And we understand that you guys are doing

310. Something a little Extra-Super-Deluxe maybe.

311. We have a ton of extra things

312. We can do to your car, you know what I'm saying?

313. Like, we can buff up that leather for you,

314. Bring it up real, you know—

315. Like, just really work it in.

316. We got a great treatment for that.

317. Yeah, I'll do that.

318. And also—Oh, my god. You might want to think

319. About our hot wax treatment.

320. I don't know if you're into that, but...

321. Who ain't? Who ain't?

322. So now if I wanted to maybe have you

323. Take a look at my undercarriage.

324. Mm. You got a dirty undercarriage.

325. I got a filthy undercarriage.

326. Really filthy? We can get in there

327. For you in those nooks and crannies

328. And just clean it out for you real good.

329. We'll take the whole package.

330. We'll take the whole package,

331. If you know what I'm talking about.

332. Everything we can offer.

333. My undercarriage is fine.

334. My undercarriage, she's a-clean. OK.

335. There's a 17% blow job tax in Washoe county, so—

336. They tax the blow job?

337. They tax the blow job,

338. So guys don't want to go there

339. Because they don't want uncle Sam

340. Getting a piece of the blow job, you know?

341. all right. Well, we're just about done here.

342. Um, we got the bill for you.

343. So it's gonna be 187, OK? Gratuity's not included.

344. And that's all I'm getting is a car wash?

345. Well, you're getting the wax

346. And the leather and the tailpipe.

347. And the tailpipe got cleaned.

348. All right. Have a nice day, you guys.

349. Yo! Can I get a blow job or what?

350. You got it, baby, but you got to wear a rubber.

351. Let me ask you something.

352. Yes?

353. Do you have sex?

354. I have taken a vow of celibacy, so, no.

355. So if I offered to jerk off your penis right now,

356. You would say what, "no, thank you"?

357. I would have to say, "no, thank you, please.

358. Please do not— Please do not jack off"--

359. Jack off? Please—Don't—

360. Please don't give me those eyes.

361. I've taken down stronger men than you with these eyes.

362. I'd like to ask you a religious question...

363. Oh, please, please. Because this comes up around our house a lot.

364. Yes.

365. Uh, is it a sin to fuck a monkey?

366. Because they're, like, one chromosome away,

367. And they're, like— You look in their eyes,

368. And they're almost human.

369. A monkey is an animal.

370. Human was created by god—Adam and Eve.

371. Short answer— Sin to fuck a monkey?

372. Yes. Do not have sex with any animal.

373. Even a monkey?

374. A monkey is an animal.

375. We do not have sex with a monkey,

376. A dog, an elephant. You do not.

377. I don't have a pen.

378. This has been a public service announcement.

379. Had this been an actual emergency,

380. You would have been notified

381. After the tone about emergency evacuation.

382. Stop! Parate.

383. That was horrible. That was horr-i-ble.

384. Do it again but less gay.

385. Less gay?

386. Yo soy a mariposa. I'm gay.

387. I like to be with men

388. A-Deepy, doopy, doopy, doopy, may.

389. this has been a test

390. Of the emergency broadcast system.

391. Oh, wait. Did we bring James Earl Jones in

392. To do this? No, we didn't.

393. We brought a puto cabron named Junior.

394. Mira como ella does it.

395. Look how she does it.

396. Haga lo bien sexy.

397. Sexier, sexier?

398. Sexier.

399. this has been a test—

400. When you think about something exciting,

401. What makes you excited downstairs?

402. Law enforcement.

403. OK. He's definitely gay.

404. Hey. We're here at John McKay high school

405. Just doing routine metal detector check

406. To see if any of the students have weapons,

407. And so far, you get an "a," America.

408. I get so sick and tired of the media

409. Exaggerating things and trying to have us live

410. In a culture of fear. Right.

411. Because you know what? The kids aren't that bad.

412. They really aren't. They really aren't.

413. It's just that the media goes crazy because you know what?

414. It's not the news. It's the bad news.

415. Yes.

416. Bingo! Good kid. Good guy.

417. You know what that was? That was 12 good kids

418. Just walked through these gates.

419. Mm-Hmm. The cities and schools of Reno—Safe.

420. Heh heh.

421. What's up?

422. Metal detector's unplugged.

423. Goddamn metal detector's unplugged.

424. Whoa!

425. Hey, girl. Get back here.

426. Hey. OK. That's—OK.

427. Trudy on radio: we have a shooter in the library

428. Of John McKay high school.

429. all units, all units,

430. Shots fired in the cafeteria

431. Of John McKay high school.

432. I think we're on it.

433. I'm gonna take the library.

434. OK.

435. Oh. Declan, I'll beep if I go—

436. Oh. I can just.

437. sweet Jesus, we're under siege!

438. Get down! The library's full of guns!

439. so Trudy's late husband, as we all remember,

440. Was the Truckee river killer,

441. And he was executed by lethal injection

442. By the state of Nevada,

443. But he did make a whole bunch of videotapes

444. In prison before they juiced him up,

445. And we're just going through them

446. To make sure there aren't any clues

447. To maybe where there's other bodies

448. Or anything like that.

449. Hey, unborn son. It's your dad Craig again.

450. I thought you'd probably need to have a talk

451. About the birds and the bees,

452. And it's a tough talk, so let's just make this painless as possible.

453. What you want to do is take these things

454. And put it on this thing

455. Before you do anything, OK?

456. And to do this...

457. You just put it— Hold on a second.

458. You just—

459. OK. That's not how you do that.

460. No. He never wore condoms.

461. He said that he always felt like he wanted

462. To feel skin on skin or teeth on skin.

463. Sure.

464. I hope this was instructional

465. And you learned something.

466. So good luck and be safe.

467. Sorry, T-Bone.

468. No. I said I was sorry, OK?

469. I just—

470. Could he perform the love act on you

471. Other than that one time that made the baby?

472. He used to want me to crawl underneath the bed

473. And keep calling out, "please don't come and get me.

474. Please don't come and get me,"

475. While he would pleasure himself up on top of the bed.

476. So he would—You all would reenact

477. A crime investigation role-Play.

478. No. Why do you have to make it sick and dark like that?

479. No. It's just a young lady hiding under the bed,

480. Screaming, "don't come get me,"

481. With an adult serial killer

482. Jacking off his manhood on the bed.

483. Thank you.

484. That's not that weird.

485. well, uh, wonderfulness,

486. We hope that you have enjoyed everything

487. That our little city has to offer you,

488. And I think I speak for all of us

489. And the community in general when I say,

490. You my nigger, you my nigger.

491. Most places that we visit show us only their beauty,

492. Take us only to the neighborhoods of the rich.

493. You opened up and showed us your honesty,

494. A place so yearning, so much in need of some godliness.

495. You showed me a place that is in desperate need for some holiness.

496. So the pope is coming?

497. The pope would come here?

498. Ha ha ha! That—They think maybe the pope would come here?

499. Ha ha ha!

500. Sorry. No. That is a ridiculous notion

501. That the pope would come here.

502. Fuck you for thinking that.

503. Nice! Nice! Nice.

504. Hey. Let's all fla—Let's flash

505. The chopper as it goes.

506. front flash? oh. With vag?

507. yeah. Good thing I got sunblock on my dick already.

508. suck it! Suck it!

509. screw you!

510. you have sunblock on your dick?

511. oh, yeah. You never know.

512. ha ha! That's my prince Albert.

513. You see that? It's shining.

514. what?

515. wait. People are jerking off?

516. No, no. Hey. Timeout. Timeout.

517. What? Oh.

518. Timeout. I did not— No, no. I did not—

519. I thought that was what we were doing.

520. No! I said, "let's flash them."

521. I didn't—I never. Oh, come on.

522. Who finished? Whoa.

523. Gee. How fa—We were doing that for 30 seconds.

524. Pick up your prince Albert. Good lord.

525. god. I don't even want to go to fuddruckers.

526. Now we're not going to fuddruckers.

527. We are not going to fuddruckers.

528. You never said—

529. That's rid—Come on.

530. come on.