1. OK, so this
Friday, 8 PM,Copy !req
2. Murder mystery dinner,
Sierra Historical Society.Copy !req
3. I've rented it out.Copy !req
4. Should be
lots of fun.Copy !req
5. I have very, very
good roles for
both of you.Copy !req
6. I's would
like to introduce
mrs. Debbie Dangle.Copy !req
7. and may I present
my fiance, Gary Werner.Copy !req
8. Coming, my love!Copy !req
9. Hello!Copy !req
10. Dance for us. Dance,
minstrel. Dance.Copy !req
11. You know what, bitch? I'm
his slave, not yours. You're
gonna shut up in here.Copy !req
12. Are you gonna
cut me?Copy !req
13. Yes, I am.Copy !req
14. To murder.Copy !req
15. All but Raineesha: murder.Copy !req
16. She's really dead.Copy !req
17. Aah! Aah! Aah!Copy !req
18. What the fuck.
When are we gonna get
to the murder part?Copy !req
19. I've been laying
on the bathroom floor
for 3 hours.Copy !req
20. Son of a bitch!
God damn it!Copy !req
21. They all have guns!Copy !req
22. Ow!Copy !req
23. Push them together?Copy !req
24. Sheriff's department!
I need your bike!Copy !req
25. Aah! Gah!Copy !req
26. Uh! Uh!Copy !req
27. Watch. Over the line.Copy !req
28. Aah!Copy !req
29. Captioning made possible by
MTV networksCopy !req
30. the authorities
are on their way.Copy !req
31. hey, we're
the authorities.Copy !req
32. I know. Well,
the paramedics are
on their wayCopy !req
33. Is what I'm—Paramedics
are on their way.Copy !req
34. I should have clarified.Copy !req
35. It seems as though...Copy !req
36. Our murder mystery dinner...Copy !req
37. Has becomeCopy !req
38. A "murder" mystery dinner.Copy !req
39. The only thing we know
for certain isCopy !req
40. That someone in this room
wanted Debbie Dangle dead,Copy !req
41. So much so to commit
such a heinous crime.Copy !req
42. Takes me back a little ways.Copy !req
43. Takes me back
to Cabo San Lucas.Copy !req
44. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
45. Leslie, I believe
we had had 4 mind erasersCopy !req
46. At Sammy Hagar's
party joint,Copy !req
47. Cabo Wabo, when you said
to me, and I quote,Copy !req
48. "Boy, oh, boy, it would be so
super if Debbie were dead."Copy !req
49. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
50. I said that several
times, but I was kidding.Copy !req
51. We laughed.Copy !req
52. What about Gary?Copy !req
53. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
54. How you doing,
Bernardino?Copy !req
55. Now, some folks down
at the piggly wigglyCopy !req
56. In the produce section,
real upset—
Been there.Copy !req
57. You've been there?
Yeah.Copy !req
58. They're upset.Copy !req
59. You've been there?Copy !req
60. Did you see anything while
you were down there?Copy !req
61. I haven't been there for...Copy !req
62. 70 years?Copy !req
63. 70 years?
Oh.Copy !req
64. Yeah. I mean, I haven't
been there for—Copy !req
65. I mean, I was there
70 years ago, I guess.Copy !req
66. You were there
at the piggly wiggly
70 years ago?Copy !req
67. Yeah. So it's been
a while.Copy !req
68. Yeah, that's
a long time.Copy !req
69. 4:20 this afternoon.
Think hard.
Produce section.Copy !req
70. Area with fruits
and vegetables.Copy !req
71. A gentleman, Caucasian,
about 5'10", roller skates,Copy !req
72. Which made us
think...Copy !req
73. Maybe it's Terry.Copy !req
74. Maybe Terry
would know this guy.Copy !req
75. Maybe the person that works
there is stupid and ugly.Copy !req
76. See, it seems, again,
to me like you might
know this personCopy !req
77. In the produce
section.Copy !req
78. I feel like it's
coming back.Copy !req
79. I don't know any
fat women with red hair
in the produce section.Copy !req
80. All right.
So this is starting
to fall into place.Copy !req
81. Our witness—Copy !req
82. Kelly O'Brien—Copy !req
83. She sounds
like a bitch.Copy !req
84. She was a little thick,
and she wasn't super nice.Copy !req
85. She wasn't
super nice.Copy !req
86. That's true, but maybe you
got off on the wrong footCopy !req
87. Because what were you doing
in the produce section?Copy !req
88. I was... trying fruit on.Copy !req
89. Mm-Hmm. That's
exactly what we got.Copy !req
90. That's exactly
what she said.Copy !req
91. Oh, shit. God!Copy !req
92. You see?Copy !req
93. Let him go. Let him go.Copy !req
94. I didn't think
you could skate on grass.
Look at that...Copy !req
95. I didn't think
so, either.Copy !req
96. Look at that son
of a bitch go.Copy !req
97. what about Gary?Copy !req
98. Oh! What about Gary?
Oh, I'm Gary.Copy !req
99. What about Gary,
whose voice-Over
business is beingCopy !req
100. Lost to India, who I
saw at the gym two
weeks ago nearly in tearsCopy !req
101. About his loss
of income?Copy !req
102. We all know
that Deb...Copy !req
103. Was worth
over...Copy !req
104. $400,000.Copy !req
105. 400,000
US Dollars.Copy !req
106. Let me tell you
somethingCopy !req
107. That I have
never told anyone else.Copy !req
108. Some miss lady told
me in confidence
that she wasCopy !req
109. Really
Debbie Dangle's sister!Copy !req
110. Hey.Copy !req
111. Are you
arresting him?Copy !req
112. Yes, I am. He's—Copy !req
113. That's awesome.Copy !req
114. Just stay back, sir.
OK. I'll stay back.Copy !req
115. I want to be you
someday when I pass
the test to be a cop.Copy !req
116. You want to see my gun?
I got a gun.Copy !req
117. Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, hey!Copy !req
118. Oh, ha ha. Whoa.Copy !req
119. You got a permit
for that thing?Copy !req
120. Yeah, of course
I got a permit.Copy !req
121. Sweet!
Yeah.Copy !req
122. This is nice.
Yeah.Copy !req
123. Uh-Oh.Copy !req
124. Uh-Oh. My gun's
bigger than yours.Copy !req
125. Yours is bigger
than mine. Ha ha!Copy !req
126. Whoa.Copy !req
127. So you want to be
a cop, huh?Copy !req
128. Yeah.Copy !req
129. OK. It ain't as easy
as you might think.Copy !req
130. I want to be—My dad
wanted to be one,
but he was in jail,Copy !req
131. So he couldn't be,
and I'm on Fluoxetine.Copy !req
132. It's like Prozac
but for poor people.Copy !req
133. Look, if you ever try to
get on the force—
Yeah?Copy !req
134. You don't want
to mention any
mental disabilities.Copy !req
135. Oh.Copy !req
136. Everyone's got a little
bit of fuck-up, OK?Copy !req
137. Yeah.Copy !req
138. Yeah. It's a fine
line, you know?
Yeah.Copy !req
139. But as long as you
know how to navigate
it, which I do,Copy !req
140. Don't bring it up.Copy !req
141. Oh, OK.Copy !req
142. OK, thanks.Copy !req
143. All right.Copy !req
144. OK, dirtbag, time
to go to jail.Copy !req
145. Yeah, time
to go to jail.Copy !req
146. Ha ha! Dirtbag.Copy !req
147. hey, do you want me
to take him to jail?Copy !req
148. I got a badge. I found
it in a cop car.Copy !req
149. My name is
James Dangle.Copy !req
150. You're under arrest.
Get in the back
of the car.Copy !req
151. Ha ha ha! Awesome!
I'll read myself
my rights.Copy !req
152. Yeah, read yourself
your rights.Copy !req
153. I have the right
to remain silent.Copy !req
154. she's my half-sister,Copy !req
155. And she did try
to kill me several timesCopy !req
156. When we were kids,
but I didn't want her dead.Copy !req
157. Deb was your
half-sister?Copy !req
158. yeah. It was
because our dad—Copy !req
159. My mom was raped by—
It's a long story.Copy !req
160. By American
Indians.Copy !req
161. By an American Indian.Copy !req
162. On a souvenir hunt.Copy !req
163. Right. He also
raped her mom.Copy !req
164. wow.Copy !req
165. But I did not want
to kill her, and I
did not want her dead,Copy !req
166. And I did not kill her.Copy !req
167. However, I had
a conversation with
someone in this room...Copy !req
168. Someone who shall remain
nameless. Jim Dangle!Copy !req
169. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
170. Isn't it true...Copy !req
171. That you told me
on the telephone
not 4 days agoCopy !req
172. That you were
thinkingCopy !req
173. About buying new shoes
for yourself,Copy !req
174. Perhaps in brown,
maybe even in black?Copy !req
175. I did. I got them
in that Zappos
place online.Copy !req
176. They're nice.Copy !req
177. They're like—These
were not even—
They were, like...Copy !req
178. that's all
I could think of.
That's all I got.Copy !req
179. They were half
the list price.Copy !req
180. You guys ever go
to Zappos?
Oh, yes.Copy !req
181. Outstanding.
Next day.Copy !req
182. Fabulous shoes. They're
there the next day.Copy !req
183. You type in what you want.
You type in your size.
If you want a wide—Copy !req
184. If you do it after
you've been drinking,
it's like magic.Copy !req
185. And I suppose you
all suspect meCopy !req
186. Because everyone
knows that Deb never
changed her will.Copy !req
187. well, you are
the only one with a gun.Copy !req
188. Oh! He's gonna
kill meCopy !req
189. To shut me up! Is
that what you're gonna do?Copy !req
190. Well, it won't work!Copy !req
191. OK, for real,
this is a prop.Copy !req
192. This is
a prop gunCopy !req
193. Because I was
gonna kill the
corpse with it.Copy !req
194. Why do you have
a gun, Leslie?Copy !req
195. This is real. This is re—Copy !req
196. I knew I had
to defend myself when
I came here tonight.Copy !req
197. The last time I was
at your trailer,Copy !req
198. I saw you'd been
stockpiling cyanide.Copy !req
199. What?Copy !req
200. It's true.Copy !req
201. It's true, but that
is because we haveCopy !req
202. A very serious
possum infestationCopy !req
203. In the trailer park,Copy !req
204. And I knew I wanted
to get rid of
those little buggersCopy !req
205. Once and for all.Copy !req
206. That's why I had it,
and it has nothing
to do with the factCopy !req
207. That Deb never changed
her will.Copy !req
208. And I know that because
I went to the Washoe
county hall of recordsCopy !req
209. To do some investigating.Copy !req
210. You can do that
online now.Copy !req
211. you can
do it online.Copy !req
212. Can you really?
Yeah.Copy !req
213. You really
can?Copy !req
214. You can do most
everything online now.Copy !req
215. You know what I
found out?Copy !req
216. Can you look up
any records, birth
certificates...Copy !req
217. I found my
great-Uncle's birth
certificate online.Copy !req
218. The Mormons.
The Mormons do
it for free.Copy !req
219. Oh, the Mormons. Yeah.Copy !req
220. I'd say it's a—
A sting operation.Copy !req
221. Big problem in the
Russian community.Copy !req
222. They have these
sex lines with
underage girls.Copy !req
223. Totally illegal.Copy !req
224. We're trying to
trace this guy.Copy !req
225. They're the victims.
They're the victims.Copy !req
226. Oh, OK.
That's...Copy !req
227. Da!Copy !req
228. Da! Da! Da! Da! Oh!Copy !req
229. OK. OK, wait.
We're gonna make him
go too early.Copy !req
230. We're gonna blow
him too early.Copy !req
231. I think maybe
you better
tell this boyCopy !req
232. That you're a little tiny
underage naughty schoolgirl.Copy !req
233. Yes.
yeah. That's
a good point.Copy !req
234. We could nail him
on this.Copy !req
235. that's right.
And maybe—Tell himCopy !req
236. That 51/2 inches
is plenty big.Copy !req
237. what are you doing?Copy !req
238. Uh...
uh...Copy !req
239. Working on that
underage phone
sex sting, sarge.Copy !req
240. Phone sex sting
operation.
All over it.Copy !req
241. that's federal.
That's FCC.Copy !req
242. Oh. Ohh. Oh...Copy !req
243. Which is why
we're all over it.Copy !req
244. Oh!Copy !req
245. It's a real
slow day here.Copy !req
246. Tell the guy, like,
you've been a bad girl,Copy !req
247. Give you a spanking.Copy !req
248. let me take
you back in time—Copy !req
249. Back in time to
a young scientist namedCopy !req
250. La Fontaine Williams.Copy !req
251. La Fontaine Williams—Copy !req
252. Just a young
scientist workingCopy !req
253. For the Filmore
vacuum cleaner company—Copy !req
254. The company that belonged
to Debbie's father.Copy !req
255. La Fontaine Williams—
Father of
Raineesha Williams!Copy !req
256. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
257. And was he or
was he notCopy !req
258. The inventor of
the couch sucky attachment—Copy !req
259. The attach—What
do you call them?Copy !req
260. The sucky couch...
the couch—Copy !req
261. The sucky couch attachment!Copy !req
262. Yes, he was!Copy !req
263. Yes, he was, and, yes, Deb's
people stole from my family!Copy !req
264. Yes, they did.Copy !req
265. But that doesn't mean
I killed her.Copy !req
266. White people steal from
black people all the time.Copy !req
267. Our hair care products,
our dances—Copy !req
268. The blues.
Rock and roll.Copy !req
269. All kinds of stuff.Copy !req
270. I'm going to get the door!Copy !req
271. adorable, fun.
So funny.Copy !req
272. Oh, even at a time
like this,Copy !req
273. It's just fun
to have her around.Copy !req
274. they're a
spirited people.Copy !req
275. They're like
walking music.Copy !req
276. welcome to
the Caribbean, baby.Copy !req
277. Aho!Copy !req
278. You said it was
a dress-up party.Copy !req
279. OK, so
this is—I meant,Copy !req
280. By the way,
just dress up.Copy !req
281. Dress-Up party, you said.
Be there at 8:00.Copy !req
282. Dress-Up party.
Pigs in blankets.Copy !req
283. OK, "A,"
it's almost 9:45.Copy !req
284. "B," you're dressed
like Captain Jack.Copy !req
285. I almost went as
Iron Man, but it was,
like, 165 bucksCopy !req
286. For a good one.
OK!Copy !req
287. Bar is this one.Copy !req
288. Super.
Bar is that way.Copy !req
289. And let's have
a talk about this
on Monday, too.Copy !req
290. Uh, my ex-wife
and his ex-wifeCopy !req
291. And his current
wife is dead.Copy !req
292. yeah. Murder mystery
dinner. I get it.Copy !req
293. No, she's really dead.
She's dead.Copy !req
294. Yeah, get it.
Murder mystery dinner.Copy !req
295. really dead.
she died.Copy !req
296. Oooh. I get it.
What you want to drink?Copy !req
297. Stepping over you,
mrs. Dangle.Copy !req
298. don't step in
that. That's real.Copy !req
299. How many times has
this happened to you?Copy !req
300. You use your credit card
to purchase pornography
on the Internet.Copy !req
301. Or for adult-themed board
games or novelty items.Copy !req
302. And then you're
getting credit card billsCopy !req
303. For motor boats
and fancy trips
to Paris, France.Copy !req
304. What happened?Copy !req
305. You are a victim
of identity theft.Copy !req
306. That's why I always use...Copy !req
307. A secure I.D.--Copy !req
308. The Master Bait charge card—Copy !req
309. The card that's only
for pornography.Copy !req
310. No more fancy trips
or boats on me.Copy !req
311. Thank you,
Master Bait card.Copy !req
312. The Master Bait—
Charge card, that is.Copy !req
313. Protect your good nameCopy !req
314. With a Master Bait
porno-onlyCopy !req
315. Personal credit
card for him or her.Copy !req
316. Whoa! Hello, ma'am.
Hi.Copy !req
317. Hi. Oh, hi.Copy !req
318. Hi, boo.
Hi.Copy !req
319. Hi. Hi.Copy !req
320. I really—I'm really—
I'm really, I'm really,
really, really gladCopy !req
321. That you're here because
I was in distress.Copy !req
322. OK. What's—Copy !req
323. Damsel in distress.Copy !req
324. What is the nature of
your emergency, ma'am?
What's going on?Copy !req
325. I was hoping that
you could help me
bust up a chifforobe.Copy !req
326. I'll give you a dollar.Copy !req
327. Ma'am, I'm a—I'm
a police officer.Copy !req
328. I'm here
for emergency...Copy !req
329. This is an emergency.Copy !req
330. Situations, and I'm
not here to bust
up chifforobes or—Copy !req
331. Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.Copy !req
332. You would not be here
if you did not feel
what I feel,Copy !req
333. Like what I
feel right now,Copy !req
334. Like the birds are humming
in the background,Copy !req
335. The air is perfect, OK?Copy !req
336. I just
finished spaghetti.Copy !req
337. Like, everything
is working out.Copy !req
338. Lady, listen... um—Copy !req
339. Thank you for
calling me a lady.
I can't—Copy !req
340. That only makes me like
you so much moreCopy !req
341. Because you are
a gentleman, you know?Copy !req
342. Like, there are so
few gentlemen out there,Copy !req
343. Especially gentlemen that
are willing to come hereCopy !req
344. And bust up
a chifforobe
for a dollar.Copy !req
345. Like, that is really ju—Copy !req
346. Don't follow me.Copy !req
347. See you tomorrow!Copy !req
348. I should have never
put my dick in her.Copy !req
349. See, that's my fault.
Shame on me.Copy !req
350. Shame on me.Copy !req
351. Look, I'm really
sorry about your loss.
It's never easy.Copy !req
352. We're gonna run
outside, do a quick
toxicology report.Copy !req
353. We'll be back in,
and, um...Copy !req
354. Captain Jack?Copy !req
355. He said it was
a dress-up party.
OK.Copy !req
356. oh, give it a rest.
Give it a rest!Copy !req
357. Give it a rest.Copy !req
358. Well, nobody asked me,Copy !req
359. But the one with
the most motive to kill
Debbie Dangle Frost—Copy !req
360. Williams.Copy !req
361. What?Copy !req
362. Revenge is sweet,
ain't it, Williams?Copy !req
363. No. I—Copy !req
364. Especially since
your daddy did haveCopy !req
365. The patent on
the Filmore vacuum nozzleCopy !req
366. That would make you
worth over $400,000,Copy !req
367. And you'd never have to
sheriff again, would you?Copy !req
368. What jus—No.Copy !req
369. But what you know, and what
you told me once when
you were really drunkCopy !req
370. But you probably
don't remember is,
your dad also pulled outCopy !req
371. A patent on Mousetrap,
the board game,Copy !req
372. And that was 8, 9 years
after Parker brothersCopy !req
373. Had it on the shelves.Copy !req
374. He tried to patent
beaver shots—Copy !req
375. Just the term
"beaver shots,"threepeat"Copy !req
376. Way after Phil Jackson
had the patent.Copy !req
377. OK, OK, OK.Copy !req
378. Yeah. Batshit
crazy bananas.Copy !req
379. So cross you
off the list,Copy !req
380. And that brings
us to Trudy Wiegel.Copy !req
381. Debbie really did
treat you like
a cunt, didn't she?Copy !req
382. She did.
She was bad.Copy !req
383. Really, really,
really horrible.Copy !req
384. But what people
in the room don't know
and only you do knowCopy !req
385. Is that when she was
having all that problemsCopy !req
386. From the gastric
bypass surgery,Copy !req
387. Trudy gave her a kidney.Copy !req
388. I did. I also tried to
give her my gall bladder,Copy !req
389. But it had already
been removed. Yeah.Copy !req
390. Didn't want it,
didn't need one,
didn't want it.Copy !req
391. That brings us to
Leslie over here.Copy !req
392. Real good motive,
consideringCopy !req
393. That he probably
thought that he was
still in her will.Copy !req
394. But what people here
don't know isCopy !req
395. That your father's a pretty
well-known politician,Copy !req
396. And he pays Leslie Frost here
a stipend of $40,000 a month...Copy !req
397. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
398. To stay out of
Hartford, Connecticut.Copy !req
399. That brings us
to big boy here.Copy !req
400. Obviously a man like
this would only marry
a lady like Debbie DangleCopy !req
401. For money, but—
Puh-Leez.Copy !req
402. The reason that I
was late to this fancy
little accusatory festCopy !req
403. You got going here is
I was out behind
the dumpster with Cindy,Copy !req
404. Finishing a Mickey's
big mouth I was
hoping to parlayCopy !req
405. Into a hand job.Copy !req
406. And that's when I
heard this young
gentleman fuckingCopy !req
407. Debbie Dangle Frost
8 ways till Sunday.Copy !req
408. Guilty.Copy !req
409. I hate to blow your
cover, but this man—
Flaming heterosexual.Copy !req
410. flaming.Copy !req
411. "Oh, pussy!"Copy !req
412. You could hear it
in his voice.
Oh, pussy.Copy !req
413. Car rockin'.
Oh, I love pussy.Copy !req
414. that
explains a lot.Copy !req
415. And that only leaves
one person...Copy !req
416. Jim Dangle.Copy !req
417. Jim Dangle, who
two days ago went
to the hall of recordsCopy !req
418. To verify that he
was indeed still
the sole benefactorCopy !req
419. Of Debbie Dangle's
will, which he was.Copy !req
420. Not only is his trailer
full of cyanide,Copy !req
421. He also two weekends
ago volunteeredCopy !req
422. To take an unpaid
toxicology courseCopy !req
423. At the sheriff's department
down in Carson city.Copy !req
424. Unpaid 8 hours on a
weekend to study toxicology.Copy !req
425. I love my job.Copy !req
426. A man with that
much cyanide,Copy !req
427. A man with that
certificate in toxicology—Copy !req
428. And it wasn't
really a degree;Copy !req
429. It was just
a little certificateCopy !req
430. That they issued
to you—Copy !req
431. Would know that if
you drank one glass
of white wine,Copy !req
432. You'd be fine;
two, you'd be OK;Copy !req
433. But if you snorted
down half a bottle
like the water buffaloCopy !req
434. That was Debbie Dangle Frost,
you'd be as dead...Copy !req
435. Well, as dead as
Debbie Dangle Frost.Copy !req
436. Take him away, Williams.
Yes.Copy !req
437. put it down.
It's a prop, you idiot.
You already told us.Copy !req
438. You was gonna
shoot me?Copy !req
439. I panicked.
I panicked.
Sorry.Copy !req
440. You's got the right
to remain silent,Copy !req
441. And anythings you say
shall be used against
you in a court of law.Copy !req
442. You're making
a mistake.Copy !req
443. Why would I do it?
Except for the money
and for personal reasons.Copy !req
444. you can drop
the act, Dangle.Copy !req
445. oh, my gosh.Copy !req
446. We ran a report,
and it seems that
little miss former fattyCopy !req
447. Had one too many pigs
in a blanket.Copy !req
448. It compromised
the integrity of
her lower bowel.Copy !req
449. Her stomach exploded.
The staples came out.
It's not murder.Copy !req
450. Oh!
Oh!
Oh!Copy !req
451. oh. Wow.
No, no, no.Copy !req
452. Don't worry.
She was a real cunt
of a woman.Copy !req
453. hey, let's not
tell Dangle.Copy !req
454. stir-fried mice.Copy !req
455. Captioning made possible by
MTV networksCopy !req
456. I was at...
the chicken
and skate.Copy !req
457. you were at
the chicken and skate. OK.Copy !req
458. the chicken
and skate.Copy !req
459. kids skate in
a little rink,Copy !req
460. And they skate
around,Copy !req
461. And then they
would have the guyCopy !req
462. With the little chicken,
and he would go—Copy !req
463. And he would throw
chicken at you.Copy !req
464. oh, what
a great place to
take the family.Copy !req
465. it was so
perfect for families.Copy !req
466. yeah.Copy !req
467. it was perfect
for families.Copy !req
468. my daddy used
to bring me there.Copy !req
469. yeah. It
makes me sad nowadaysCopy !req
470. That there ain't
a place where
you can skateCopy !req
471. And have
people...Copy !req
472. Throw their chicken at you.
I know.Copy !req
473. I'm getting
all nostalgic.Copy !req