Reno 911! 6x13

1. You take water, and you freeze it. That's the recipe.

2. for ice?

3. Yeah. It's just frozen water.

4. yup.

5. Guess what.

6. what? Guess what.

7. what?

8. Guess who has a secret admirer. Yours truly. Look.

9. "Lieutenant Dangle, Jim Dangle, one day your heart will be mine."

10. Wow. It came with a prop.

11. whoa!

12. oh, my god.

13. Pig heart. what is that?

14. Death threat. Not an admirer—A death threat.

15. you should just do your... dust for, uh...

16. it's a death threat. It's a death threat, people! Death threat!

17. Son of a bitch! God damn it!

18. They all have guns!

19. Ow!

20. Push them together?

21. Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

22. Aah! Gah!

23. Uh! Uh!

24. Watch. Over the line.

25. Aah!

26. Captioning made possible by MTV networks

27. good morning, party people.

28. good morning.

29. Come on, everybody. Call it out. "Good morning, lieutenant."

30. good morning, lieutenant.

31. Thank you, sergeant. How does everybody like the new wall color?

32. What did it used to be?

33. Are you sure they did it?

34. Yeah.

35. it looks the same.

36. What was it before?

37. I thought it w—Uh, OK. Maybe they didn't— Never mind.

38. You know what? This is— I gave tomorrow's announcement.

39. They're painting the walls tonight.

40. I do all the week's announcements sometimes in advance.

41. Ah. That's tomorrow.

42. Tomorrow I'll ask you what you think of the new wall color.

43. This is the same.

44. Yeah. So no painting was done.

45. Uh, OK. In assignments, there's a warrant, uh,

46. For Reuben "the bone" Alvarez. The drug trafficker.

47. We need an undercover team to pose as a couple—

48. Uh, I thought Jones and Williams seemed sort of plausible—

49. To infiltrate the midnight swingers.

50. Alvarez is a known member of this sex club.

51. What's a sex club?

52. it's like a key party.

53. yeah, they're key parties.

54. Key parties is where sexually promiscuous couples get together

55. And they throw their car keys in a bowl,

56. And then they take them out and they fuck each other.

57. With the keys?

58. No, no, no. Each other depending on whose key they have.

59. With their penises. Yeah.

60. What if you walked to the party?

61. Do you still get to get fucked?

62. You could always— You'll always get fucked at the party,

63. No matter whether you get there by foot, by car, by hovercraft, by float.

64. You're always gonna get—You're all ready to fucked.

65. So that means we're gonna— We're gonna get to fuck people, too.

66. no. That's exactly what you don't need to do.

67. you know what? I'd like to do some undercover.

68. you're not getting this one.

69. No. I don't have to have this one.

70. I'm just saying I got myself a fake beard at the 99-Cent store.

71. I'd like to be considered the next time there's an undercover assignment.

72. The next time something— I need a bearded guy,

73. If I need, like, a Hasidim or, like, an Amish guy—

74. What about, like, a big, fat homeless guy? He could do that.

75. Why does he have to be big and fat?

76. Today it is a somber day in Reno.

77. We honor our fallen comrade James Oswaldo Garcia.

78. Per his last wishes,

79. Firing his cremated ashes out of a cannon.

80. Ready, detail!

81. careful!

82. aw, shit.

83. aw, god damn it. Everyone scoop him up. Scoop him up.

84. Get as much Garcia back in as you can.

85. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the fuck? What?

86. What the fuck? Live cannon.

87. Ew. Ew. What if this part is his balls?

88. Some part of this is his balls, OK?

89. Stop blowing right onto me. Blow to the right of me.

90. No, stop blowing.

91. Don't blow it at me. Blow down the god damn thing.

92. There we go. Most of it. There's most of it.

93. Hya. Sounding! Hya! Fire!

94. Didn't go. Did it go? I plugged my ears. Did it go?

95. Obviously it didn't go.

96. James Garcia, we salute you! Fire!

97. Nope.

98. We got to just get the thing out of the bottom of it.

99. Get the thing out of the bottom. It's all right. Crawl.

100. we have a hold of it?

101. I got it. I got it. I almost got it.

102. Should I try to get it loose?

103. OK, totally stuck. Totally stuck, for real.

104. Keep tapping it. Leave it. Good.

105. Jiggle it. OK, jiggle it.

106. Hey, look at me. I got a big black dick.

107. What if we just sat this up on a fence and shot at it?

108. I think Garcia would approve, oddly enough.

109. Fucking Garcia, man. Shit

110. Fucking Mexicans. Wow.

111. Hello. How you doing?

112. Hi.

113. Sheriff's department.

114. Uh, you guys sent us a stool sample, and we're wondering why.

115. Huh. Um... I don't have a clue.

116. OK.

117. Uh, I guess I can make some calls, I guess.

118. Great.

119. Let me try doctor, uh, Dr. Diphold, see what he says.

120. I'm here with the Reno sheriff's department.

121. They were sent a, uh, Tupperware container

122. Of what appears to be human stool.

123. It's very hard.

124. It's hard and—

125. Might have been constipated.

126. And very dry. Yeah. It appears to be pretty tight, too.

127. It's not a loose stool. Uh, you can hear it.

128. Can you hear it?

129. That's kind of what it sounds like.

130. OK. You—You have no idea—No one from your department

131. Sent that? All right.

132. OK. All right. No, I'll see you then.

133. OK, bye. Let me try operations—Building operations.

134. OK. Maybe they just found something

135. And they didn't know what to do with it.

136. Well, I mean if they just found it,

137. They could have just maybe thrown it out.

138. Yeah, no. Yeah, I can hold. She's got me on hold.

139. You know, for the record,

140. We don't need this much stool for a DNA test.

141. That's a lot.

142. This is—This is way, way more stool than we need.

143. How much is—

144. All you need is, like, a cigar snip.

145. If that. If that. Oh, just the tip?

146. If that.

147. Do me a favor. Just open that up.

148. I know it may sound weird, but...

149. OK, I know who sent that.

150. We fired that guy. He's batshit crazy.

151. I don't get excited about my job very often, OK?

152. But I'm extremely excited about this undercover job

153. Because the women at these key parties—

154. I don't know if you know about these— The people there.

155. the urine on the carpet—

156. it's not gonna come out, is it? It's not gonna come out.

157. I think it's because I had some cranberry juice,

158. And that way it tends to take the yellow and—

159. Hello! Hello! New people.

160. Welcome! Hey. Ah. Oh, my goodness.

161. How are you?

162. Can I fuck you right now or later? I don't know.

163. We're, uh, friends of Reuben Alvarez.

164. Oh, OK. Well, then that's all right. Sure.

165. And we got keys.

166. Oh!

167. That's like an open invitation. Boom. Right there.

168. The key?

169. You gonna put it right down there? Key to the snatch pack.

170. Key to the snatch pack.

171. You know your stuff. You're no beginner.

172. Right there, sweetheart. Just put it right there.

173. I'm gonna memorize—OK.

174. Are you hard-Core? Are you trash 'em and smash 'em?

175. Are you gentle but sweet? What?

176. Urination?

177. Um...

178. Yes.

179. All of that. All of that. Yes.

180. Thank you, Monique.

181. Monique is having surgery tomorrow.

182. We hope she makes it.

183. Good lady. Good lady.

184. Good luck to you.

185. We lost so many members to puzzles.

186. Like, everybody started doing puzzles,

187. And they left the swing scene.

188. Oh, really? Yeah. Horrible.

189. A lot of our people.

190. Horrible what that hobby can do to a person.

191. I want to see just exactly how you go down

192. And how you react so that I know what to expect,

193. You know what I mean?

194. She calls me the Jackhammer. Just hold on to my ears—

195. Ooh! Ya ya ya ya ya.

196. Are you interested in waterfront property, by any chance?

197. Do you know of anybody who's interested in waterfront property?

198. Oh, yeah. We've got an area

199. That we're having a hard time getting rid of.

200. Hi.

201. Hi. Hi!

202. Tell us what your sign says, terry.

203. It says "vote for me or I'll pee on you."

204. "Or I'll pee on you."

205. Yeah.

206. What are you running for, terry?

207. President of the United States.

208. You're running for president of the United States?

209. You know, we had one of those a while back.

210. Who won?

211. You're either real, real late, or you're real early.

212. Are you late, or are you early, terry?

213. I'm doing 2020.

214. 2020? Yeah.

215. All right.

216. I want to get a head start.

217. You want to get a head start? Yeah.

218. Lay a foundation? You're doing a grass roots?

219. Yeah. Some ass roots.

220. Grass... roots?

221. Terry? What?

222. Did you wake up this morning...

223. Yes.

224. Get super, super, super high...

225. Make a sign that said

226. "Vote for me or I'll pee on you,"

227. And come down here and harass everybody coming in and out?

228. OK. I did wake up.

229. OK. All right.

230. I, uh—Something happened. I don't remember.

231. OK, this might be the part where

232. You got super, super, super high, right?

233. Maybe. We don't know.

234. Might be. We don't know.

235. I did have 17 bowls of cereal.

236. 17 bowls of cereal.

237. What kind of cereal did you have, terry?

238. It wasn't total, because you know if you have

239. A bowl of total, it's like having 17 bowls of some—

240. Of other cereals.

241. Are you serious? One bowl of total? Yeah.

242. So you went with the 17 other cereals.

243. You were high even for you, terry.

244. I've never been high. Oh! Was that a dragon?

245. OK, his fingers. Obviously—

246. I thought it was a dragon.

247. OK, what's this?

248. Thank god. It's spiders!

249. OK, what's this?

250. Fire!

251. Genie. Genie.

252. I don't know what the fuck drug he's on.

253. Uh, I have a question.

254. I got this in the mail two days ago, and this says—

255. Congratulation!

256. You did this.

257. Yeah!

258. You promoted me to captain.

259. Congratulation. You are captain.

260. No, no, no, no, no, no.

261. You can't just promote people to captain.

262. See, just because— You can't just go and randomly—

263. You're looking at the new captain! Whoo! Whoo!

264. Ha ha! You're looking at the captain of the Reno sheriff's department,

265. And the first thing I am doing is telling Dangle to go uhh!

266. Hey, Jim, how about you come out here?

267. I just need to ask you something.

268. Hey, let's stop— Let's—

269. This is just a flat-out waste of taxpayers' money.

270. You know what I want to ask you?

271. To call me in that room.

272. I want to ask you to suck my dick.

273. congratulation! You are all captain.

274. Cindy has been, uh, making everybody captain,

275. So we'll just forget all about that. See you, Cappy.

276. I'm sorry, but you know what I can do?

277. I can make you 1/18 Mapoa Indian.

278. Would you like that?

279. Yeah, OK.

280. You'll get $500 check every month from the casino.

281. Would you like that?

282. Yeah, that's something, right? OK.

283. There were just daisy chains...

284. Yeah.

285. For miles. People with their heads and people—

286. Exciting time, huh?

287. Exciting times because Reagan

288. Stimulated the economy, and everything—

289. Everything. Yeah. That's when everybody went to the sex to make

290. Them happy, medicate themselves,

291. And then found out it was fun.

292. And we got cheap sheets from China.

293. Yeah. Yeah.

294. Do you think firemen are overpaid?

295. Got a telegram. I didn't know you could get a telegram anymore.

296. It said "meet me at the old filling station.

297. All will be revealed."

298. hello! Hello!

299. Who are you? Who are you?

300. Who are you, man?

301. Who are you, man?

302. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

303. Gary Morgan. Reno sheriff's. Where's the lieutenant?

304. I am the lieutenant!

305. Put it down! Put your gun on the ground!

306. Put yours on the ground. Put yours on the ground!

307. Put yours first! Put yours on the ground!

308. Wait. Same time. How's that?

309. Where's the lieutenant?

310. I am the lieutenant.

311. Where's lieutenant Larry?

312. Lieutenant Larry?

313. The guy that's been picking up

314. The communique for the last 10 years.

315. Lieutenant Larry? Oh, my god.

316. Time to pick up the ants, man. This is the day.

317. Lieutenant Larry left the sheriff's department,

318. Like, 8 years ago. I'm lieutenant Dangle.

319. I've been dropping him a communique for 10 years.

320. It's time to take down the ants, man.

321. I've been undercover for 10 years!

322. Oh, boy.

323. What the hell?

324. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

325. Aah!

326. Oh, boy. Are these reel-to-reels?

327. Of course.

328. We have no way to play those, I don't think.

329. We have no way to play these.

330. I don't think we have any way to play these.

331. Was "chucha-cabbage" aware of this?

332. That's my guy. He sent me in.

333. Oh, poop on a pogo stick. He's passed away.

334. I feel like there might have been a note on my desk about this

335. That I skimmed. And oh, boy, oh, boy, does it burn me up inside.

336. I'm so mad right now.

337. I'm so mad that I might have accidentally skimmed that note

338. That I'm gonna make this up to you, OK?

339. I am gonna take you... to Sizzler.

340. How do you like that? You and me.

341. Sizzler? Yeah.

342. All I can eat? All you can eat.

343. I wouldn't be surprised if we got you a commendation.

344. Nice work. Ow.

345. Nice work taking down the ants.

346. Shit.

347. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk this week, right?

348. You and me are going to Sizzler, and we're gonna work this out.

349. You call me.

350. I certainly will.

351. Hey, this is Dangle. We have a crazed drifter on Matthews,

352. About 6'4", brown hair, mustache, uh, about 185 pounds on 80.

353. He is armed and extremely dangerous.

354. Uh, shoot to kill. If you get a shot, take it.

355. I have been to a key party, but it wasn't as amazing as everybody talks about.

356. I showed up at this party, and this Mexican guy was, like,

357. "Can I have your key? And I gave him my key, he drove my car away,

358. I went to the party, I came back, he came back up,

359. Gave me my car, and handed me my key back.

360. I think you misunderstand what a key party is.

361. No fingering, no making out, no nothing. I was barely turned on.

362. Hey, unborn baby. It's your dad Craig.

363. By now I've been lethally injected with something

364. And I'm in the ground rotting,

365. So I thought I'd take this time to let you know

366. That your old dad was pretty good at some stuff.

367. Two things—Murder and magic.

368. Magic's a great way to make new friends.

369. Let me show you a few tricks.

370. Hey, T-bone, what's that behind—Oh, shit ah!

371. Oh! Look at that big fella.

372. Don't let—Daddy's fine. Daddy's fine.

373. You done messed up. You done messed up.

374. Turn the tape off.

375. White people are so weird.

376. I can hear you. We also have excellent hearing.

377. Replay that part where he's getting raped in the corner.

378. Appraiser on TV: part of Virginia's history was Nathaniel Bedford forest.

379. He led forces against lee in the campaign,

380. Eventually succeeding in Gettysburg over general lee.

381. Uh, do you know anything about the value of this particular sword?

382. oh, jeez. I don't know.

383. A friend of mine offered me—

384. He said, "I'll give you $20 for it."

385. $20 for this sword?

386. I don't know.

387. I think the serious...

388. Who knew? Shh.

389. Would pay you for the sword upwards of 70, $75,000.

390. wow.

391. it's in terrific shape...

392. can you believe that?

393. Who knew? You never know. You never know.

394. Look at the smile on that face, huh?

395. Hmm.

396. Aah!

397. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah! Fuck.

398. Ah! Uh! Uh. Uh.

399. Let's roll. Aah! Gaah! Gaah! Uh!

400. So, listen, you guys, when do y'all think Reuben is gonna show up?

401. Does he roll in right about now?

402. Reuben died a couple of years ago. You didn't know that?

403. Are you kidding?

404. I thought you, uh, were good friends with him.

405. Don't tell me you're cops.

406. Are you cops?

407. Yeah.

408. We are.

409. Stay for the orgy.

410. Please, don't worry about it.

411. Stay for the orgy. Don't worry about it.

412. You're already lubricated. Just stay.

413. You missed a stop sign back there, boy.

414. No, don't do it. Don't you do it. Don't—Don't even think about it.

415. Do not even think about it. Freeze!

416. Freeze! Sheriff's department!

417. You stop that ice cream truck!

418. Freeze! Freeze!

419. Sheriff's department!

420. Hey, no cuts.

421. Can I get, uh, license and registration and two bomb pops?

422. Thank you.

423. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

424. Ah!

425. Ah. Whose keys?

426. I did it! OK, look. Whose keys are these?

427. Whose is it?

428. Ooh.

429. Those are my keys.

430. Seriously?

431. There you go, huh? Right?

432. We...

433. Yeah. You get to do it. OK, now.

434. On the floor now. On the floor right here.

435. No, right on the floor.

436. Right here. Down here. Go.

437. Get my glasses. Yeah, right on the floor.

438. Yeah. Drop. Everybody drop.

439. Let's go. We're gonna watch. Let's go.

440. Yeah, yeah. Come on.

441. Where are my— Where's my heart medica—

442. Oh, I got it. I got to get them, too.

443. Come on. That's it.

444. All right, here it is.

445. There you go.

446. all right. Here we go.

447. Captioning made possible by MTV networks

448. Captioned by the national captioning institute —Www.Ncicap.Org—

449. Basically we fucked in front of

450. A bunch of white people.

451. old white people.

452. I mean, that's the kind of stuff

453. They used to do in slavery time.

454. They'd watch black people mate.

455. you had a flashback?

456. An ancestral flashback?

457. Come on, Kunta. Spit it out.

458. well, I feel like I should feel,

459. Like, a lot worse about it,

460. But actually I don't feel that bad.