Red vs. Blue 2x3

1. - Come in, Blue Command, come in.

2. This is Medical Officer, Dufresne.

3. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read?

4. Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.

5. Blue Command, please boost your transmission

6. to match communication protocol, Echo Bravo...

7. - Yo, I hear ya, calm down, dude.

8. What's goin' on?

9. Hello, y'all, can ya hear me? Hello.

10. - Uh, roger that, command.

11. - Sorry about that.

12. I was in the elevator.

13. This thing doesn't work so well in there.

14. What's goin' on, dude?

15. - Roger that. Is this Blue Command?

16. - Oh yeah, man, sure, totally.

17. What's goin' on?

18. - You're sure? The Blue Command base?

19. - Hey dude. Take it easy.

20. You called me. I didn't call you.

21. - No, I know. It's just—

22. - It's just what, dude?

23. - Never mind.

24. I'm just letting you know that I've reached

25. the Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

26. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue squad members.

27. - Blood Gulch, huh? All right, let me look here.

28. Let me see what it says.

29. Blood Gulch, Blood, Blood, B-L, blah,

30. here we go, Blood Gulch.

31. Okay, it says here, you wanna make contact

32. with Private Tucker.

33. Ask 'em about their wounded dude.

34. - Roger that. Any other orders?

35. - Anything else, okay yeah.

36. It says here, whatever you do, don't, oh...

37. Okay, never mind, dude.

38. I'm not supposed to read ya that part, okay.

39. Just, you'll be okay. Just be very careful, that's all.

40. - Great.

41. - All right then, well, it's our goal here at Blue Base

42. to provide excellent customer service,

43. and I hope that I've done that today.

44. If you have any further questions

45. about this radio transmission,

46. you can just, you know, call back.

47. Say, dude, I got some questions. What's goin' on?

48. Over and out.

49. - Okay. Private Tucker.

50. - Hey Church, we have a problem.

51. - I am not your mother.

52. So, don't come tattling to me

53. every time one o' you does something

54. that the other one doesn't like.

55. - I'm telling you he's crazy.

56. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

57. - No, I didn't.

58. - Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten

59. to cut off my head and give it

60. to Church as a birthday present?

61. - You know, I think you're taking my words

62. a little out of context.

63. - What? What context?

64. - Listen guys, this competition thing

65. has got to stop, okay?

66. I thought we established by now—

67. - Excuse me.

68. - Hey pal, one second, okay?

69. I'm in the middle of somethin' here.

70. I thought we'd established by now,

71. I don't like either of you, okay?

72. So, competing for my attention

73. is not gonna do ya any good.

74. - Excuse me.

75. - Okay, yes. Hello, who are you?

76. - Don't ever be alone.

77. - He is doing that thing again.

78. - My name's Dufresne. Are you Private Tucker?

79. - No, I'm not Private Tucker.

80. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.

81. Yo, and our friend over there in regulation blue?

82. That's Caboose or O'Malley or

83. whatever the hell he's callin' himself.

84. - Why did you introduce me second?

85. - Because he hates you.

86. - I received your call for a medic.

87. - Medic? That was, like, three months ago.

88. - Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

89. - I came as quickly as I could.

90. Where's the patient?

91. - Well, she's about 50 yards behind you

92. and six feet straight down.

93. - Oh, I'm sorry about your loss.

94. - What? Oh, yeah, yeah, thanks, man.

95. It was tough, but well, what are you gonna do?

96. - We didn't like her very much.

97. (whispering) She was mean to other people.

98. - Who's in the other grave?

99. - That's, uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.

100. - Uh huh, of course.

101. - See, uh, he got killed by this crazy runaway tank...

102. - Or by the idiot driving it.

103. - Oh yeah, and then he became this really mean ghost

104. and took over a Mexican robot's body.

105. Oh, and then we had to, that's right,

106. spray paint him to make him blue,

107. and now he is alive again and

108. he is a bionic man, who is blue.

109. - Right, it took us six weeks

110. to get his Spanish setting turned off.

111. - (sighing) I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.

112. - Wait, so, no one here is hurt?

113. - No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever.

114. See now, whenever these two idiots

115. really start to bug me,

116. I can always just turn my ears off.

117. I couldn't do that before.

118. - You said they were shorting out.

119. - I'm sorry, what was that Caboose?

120. I can't hear you.

121. - Well then, let me just check you two out

122. and I'll be on my way.

123. - Whoa, check us out?

124. Is this gonna be one o' those things

125. where I have to turn my head and cough?

126. - No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.

127. - I bet I have better vitals than you.

128. What's a vital?

129. - On your way? I don't think so, bud.

130. Aren't you here to join our squad?

131. - No, I'm just here to help out with Tex,

132. and then assist in the canyon as needed.

133. - First of all, great job on the Tex thing.

134. Mission accomplished.

135. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist

136. is to help us kill all the reds.

137. - Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me

138. from doing that, I still wouldn't.

139. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.

140. - A conscious who?

141. - I'm a pacifist.

142. - You're a thing that babies suck on?

143. - No, dude, that's a pedophile.

144. - Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

145. - Oh yeah, right.

146. Man, I was totally thinkin' about somethin' else.

147. - That's real classy, Tucker.

148. - Well, everyone here checks out.

149. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon.

150. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?

151. - Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.

152. - I'm not. Resources are low.

153. So, I'm on loan to both armies

154. to help whichever side needs me at the time.

155. - Man, that is so freakin' lame.

156. - I'm just gonna go to Red Base

157. and see if they need any help.

158. - Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base,

159. I'd recommend puttin' away

160. that little medical thingee o' yours.

161. They see you walkin' up carryin' that thing,

162. they're gonna shoot it right outta your hand.

163. Yeah, just like that.

164. Scatter!

165. - Nice shot, Cupcake.

166. - Thanks, Sarge.

167. Oh, that's right. Suck it, Blue.

168. - Yeah, sneak attack.

169. - Sit down, you dumb-ass. I can't see.

170. - Hike up your knickers, fellas.

171. Let's go get 'em.

172. - Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there,

173. help Caboose shore up the defense,

174. establish a suppressing fire

175. and hold that position until further notice.

176. - I didn't even know what half of that meant.

177. - Just go over to Caboose's rock

178. and fire your gun a bunch.

179. - That rock?

180. - Yeah, I don't think so.

181. We do not have time to discuss this.

182. - Sure, no time for you to discuss it.

183. You get to hang out here with Nancy Noble

184. shootin' the breeze.

185. Meanwhile, I'm out there runnin' around

186. eatin' a machine gun sandwich.

187. - Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

188. - Covering fire?

189. Unless that means you're going to build

190. a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them,

191. I think you need to come up with a new plan,

192. preferably one that involves me

193. keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

194. - No problem. Oh wait, wait.

195. Does the blood have to be in your body?

196. - Simmons, I can't feel my hands.

197. - Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumb-ass.

198. - All right you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose.

199. - My name isn't Doc. It's Frank.

200. - Yeah, I can't pronounce that.

201. So from now on, your name is Doc.

202. - I'm not really comfortable with that.

203. I'm not a doctor. I'm a medic.

204. - What's the difference?

205. - Well, a doctor cures people.

206. The medic just makes them more comfortable while they die.

207. - Mental note, don't ever get shot.

208. It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

209. - All right, but I don't think it'll stick.

210. - Oh trust us. It'll stick.

211. Now, get over to Caboose,

212. and help him hold that position.

213. - I don't have a gun. I'm a pacifist.

214. - Well then, just get over there, and yell bang bang bang.

215. - Ah, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

216. - Oh, come on.

217. - Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved

218. unless someone gets hurt.

219. - Huh, I see.

220. - Ow!

221. - Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself.

222. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

223. - You know, you coulda just asked nicely.

224. - Aw crap, I'm out. Gimme some ammunition, Grif.

225. - Me? I don't have any extra.

226. I'm down to one bullet.

227. - What? How can that be?

228. You're the one who carries

229. all the extra rounds in a battle.

230. - Wait, since when?

231. - Since the last staff meeting.

232. - We actually talk about stuff in those things?

233. I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

234. - Well, you missed your job assignment,

235. and now we have no ammo.

236. - What's your job?

237. - Me? I'm the social chairman.

238. - Grif, me and Trigger and Donut are empty.

239. We need some clips.

240. - Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left?

241. I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

242. - I'm here, Caboose. Where are you hit?

243. - Ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

244. - The left foot?

245. - Uh, left, let's see, that makes an I with your thumb.

246. - I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

247. - Yeah, the red one.

248. I can't believe Church shot me.

249. - Oh, don't even start, Caboose.

250. - Anything else?

251. - Uh, what?

252. - You have a bullet wound in the foot.

253. Is anything else wrong?

254. - Uh, oh, I got one.

255. Sometimes when I fall asleep at night,

256. I think about my parents having sex

257. and I get really really mad, for some reason.

258. - Okay, I'm just gonna start with the foot.

259. - Okay.

260. - Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

261. - I don't know. Maybe they're outta ammo.

262. - Hey, Blues!

263. We are givin' you a chance to surrender.

264. - Surrender?

265. - No way this bluff is gonna work.

266. - Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie.

267. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.

268. - Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo.

269. What are your terms?

270. - Their what?

271. - Our what?

272. - I can't believe this is actually working.

273. See if you can get Lopez back, Sarge.

274. - Oh yeah, 'cause then he can fix the Warthog.

275. - Oh oh, Sarge, tell them we want the flag.

276. - Yeah, and some cake.

277. - Oh, wait a minute, Sarge, just the cake.

278. - All right, Blues. First off, we want your flag.

279. - Wait wait wait, just a second.

280. The last time we got the flag...

281. the chick in the black armor showed up.

282. - to stay right where it is.

283. Keep the flag.

284. But, we do want our mechanized droid guy back.

285. - Oh-oh.

286. - You may know him as Senor El Roboto.

287. - Well Church, what's it gonna be?

288. - Chingado, no way. I'm not givin' back my body.

289. I just got this thing.

290. - And don't think you can keep his nuts,

291. or bolts or other mechanical parts you have.

292. - Uh, uh, he's not here anymore.

293. - Yeah, he left. He was all like sayonara,

294. and then he just took off.

295. - That's not Spanish, you idiot. That's French.

296. Let's try this.

297. Hey, Reds. How about a medic?

298. Would you take a medic as a hostage?

299. - A hostage? But, I'm supposed to go over there.

300. - Yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.

301. - I don't know.

302. I think we can hold out for more.

303. - We don't have any bullets, dumb-ass.

304. - Oh right, take the medic.

305. The medic's a good deal.

306. - Hey Doc, how's the patient?

307. - Doin' well. He seems very alert and responsive.

308. - He's talkin' about Caboose, right?

309. - No, I mean the toe. How's the toe I shot?

310. - What, that thing?

311. That fell off, like, half an hour ago.

312. - Rest in peace, Pinky Toe.

313. You shall be avenged.

314. - Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over.

315. I really don't think I can be any more help.

316. - Okay, we're gonna send over our medic.

317. Now, what do we get?

318. - You? You're surrendering.

319. You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule.

320. - We've already got that.

321. What else do you have?

322. - What do you want?

323. - How about if you admit that the Red team sucks?

324. - Hey, what about the...

325. - What if we admit that one of us sucks?

326. - Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?

327. - Okay then, we agree to the terms.

328. You first, and then we send over the medic.

329. - Get on with it, Grif.

330. - (groaning) I would just like to

331. let everyone know that I suck.

332. - And?

333. - And that I'm a girl.

334. - What else?

335. - And I like ribbons in my hair

336. and I want to kiss all the boys.

337. - This may be the best surrender of all time.

338. - Okay, is that good enough?

339. - Yeah.

340. - All right, go ahead, Doc.

341. - Man, I really hope you're worth this.

342. - Can I ask you a question?

343. Do they put something in the water here?

344. - Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

345. - No water? I mean, what do you drink?

346. - Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy,

347. the usual.

348. - I only drink the blood of my enemies,

349. and occasionally a strawberry yoohoo.

350. - So he was shot in the head...

351. - Right.

352. - And you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

353. - Exactly.

354. - Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

355. - That's what I said.

356. - Oh yeah, people often overlooked

357. alternative methods of care,

358. like that Blue guy that was shot in the foot

359. during the battle.

360. All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera.

361. He was fine.

362. - Yeah, I don't know about all that.

363. I'm just glad the Sarge is wrong.

364. - Grif, you're supposed to be watchin' the prisoner,

365. not playin' looky loo with him all day long.

366. - Come on, Sarge. He doesn't even have a gun.

367. - Oh, well you two will be great friends then.

368. He doesn't have a gun and you didn't bring any ammo.

369. - Hey, thanks, Kiss Ass.

370. If I wanna take guarding tips

371. from the guy that lost our last prisoner,

372. I'll be sure to ask you.

373. - Oh man, that is a burn.

374. Dude, you just got burned, burned, dude, burned.

375. - Oh shut up. Your armor's pink.

376. - Uh hey, guys.

377. I just want everybody to know

378. that Grif and I aren't technically friends.

379. We're just talking. That's it.

380. Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious

381. that you're really unpopular and

382. if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all,

383. I can't really be directly associated with you.

384. I'm sure you understand.

385. It's only because no one likes you.

386. Stop staring at me.

387. - Hey Church, if your body is the Red Team's old droid,

388. and droids usually fix stuff,

389. can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

390. - Huh, well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess.

391. All right, stand back. (groaning)

392. - Anything?

393. - Yeah, it's not as easy as you think it would be.

394. - Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.

395. - See what you can find.

396. I'll keep trying from in here. (groaning)

397. Oh hey!

398. - Found it?

399. - Nah, no, wait.

400. All I found was the time and temperature function.

401. It is currently 26 degrees by the way.

402. - What? It's not 26 degrees out here. That's freezing.

403. - Celsius, Tucker.

404. - Come on, dude. Celsius sucks.

405. Hey, I found something.

406. - Oh yeah? You found a button?

407. - No, dude, it's more like a switch.

408. - Well, give it a flip.

409. - I don't wanna flip it.

410. - What's the problem?

411. - It's in a weird place.

412. - Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

413. - You flip it.

414. - These arms aren't that flexible.

415. I can't even reach down there.

416. - What about Caboose?

417. - Oh man, he's so stupid.

418. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

419. - Oh man.

420. - Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later.

421. I'll buy you dinner.

422. - It won't move. It's stuck.

423. - Did you try wiggling it?

424. - No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

425. - Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

426. So, you from around here, baby?

427. - Okay look, if you want me to do this,

428. you can't talk to me—

429. - All right, all right, I'm sorry.

430. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

431. - I wish Tex was here.

432. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

433. - You obviously did not know Tex that well.

434. - There!

435. Anything?

436. - Nope, nothin'. That's kinda weird.

437. Do you hear somethin' beepin'?

438. - Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

439. - Well, we have to get him away from Grif

440. because, yeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual

441. to have to talk to him.

442. - How about we let him trade armor with one of us?

443. That would show him.

444. - Warthog online, homing beacon activated.

445. - Sarge, did the car just talk?

446. - Oh-oh. Okay, I get it.

447. You built a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.

448. - Yep, but there's no way anyone

449. could have found out how to turn it on.

450. I hid it in a place no one would ever look,

451. unless, hey, pretty in pink,

452. were you messin' with my robot?

453. - What are you askin' me for?

454. - So someone else controls the jeep right now,

455. and the big gun attached to it?

456. - Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies.

457. Even if they figured out how to turn it on,

458. they'd never know the set o' code words to control it.

459. Only me and my diary know that.

460. - There, you hear that?

461. - Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise

462. followed by a series of random clicks?

463. - No, it's just like this constant beep beep beep noise.

464. - Oh, then no, I don't hear anything.

465. - Wait, do you actually hear a series of whistling noises

466. followed by sone random clicks?

467. - No, I was just trying to be helpful.

468. - Yeah well, you're failing.

469. - All I hear is that voice, you know,

470. telling us to kill all of our friends

471. before they have a chance to kill us.

472. Wait, you guys don't hear that?

473. - Oh man, I can't take this anymore.

474. Tucker, you're gonna have to do somethin', man.

475. This beeping is going to drive me crazy.

476. Going to drive me crazy, drive me crazy...

477. - Drive.

478. - Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! They've cracked the code.

479. Those darned wind talkers.

480. - Whoa! Hey!

481. - Hey, he's takin' the jeep.

482. - Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!

483. - Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

484. - Hey Sarge, new rule.

485. How about we just don't take any more prisoners

486. 'cause we seem to suck at it.

487. - I see a switch down here. It's not very big.

488. - Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

489. - Wait, stop.

490. - Stop.

491. - Caboose?

492. Do you know how to work a switch?

493. - Uh...

494. - All right. Here's a full tutorial, then.

495. The switch is pointed in one direction.

496. Just turn it around so that

497. it's pointed in the other direction.

498. - Turn around.

499. - Oops! It broke itself.

500. - Aw!

501. - Aw man, what now?

502. - That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty.

503. - Okay, I see two wires down here.

504. One's green; the other one's red.

505. - What about the blue one?

506. - That's your thumb, Idiot.

507. Come on, guys, just grab whichever one

508. goes to the switch and yank it out.

509. - I can't tell which one goes over there.

510. - Then just yank 'em both.

511. - Church, if we pick the wrong one, you could explode.

512. - I don't care. Look, just follow the red one.

513. - Acquire target Red.

514. - Uh Sarge, you, you may want to start running now.

515. - Ah, fudge bombs.

516. - Okay, I see what's going on here.

517. The red one goes close to the switch,

518. and the green one goes, ew, someplace else.

519. - Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

520. (warthog rumbling) - Oh, I'm pinned.

521. - Eliminate Red target.

522. - You're gonna kill him!

523. - What a way to go!

524. Killed by my own mechanical creations.

525. - Okay, we've gotta do something here, guys.

526. - You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

527. - Okay, Church, you ready?

528. I'm gonna yank the wire.

529. - Grif! If you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him.

530. Tell him. He was like a son to me.

531. - I thought Simmons was like a son to you.

532. - No offense, Simmons.

533. Lopez and I just understood each other better.

534. - Understood? He refused to speak English.

535. - Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

536. - And now, he's trying to kill you

537. with the remote control jeep.

538. - Ah, what a little rascal.

539. - All right, here goes nothin'.

540. One, two, three.

541. - Oh God yes, finally, some freakin' peace and quiet.

542. I thought that was gonna drive me nuts.

543. Hey, why can't I move my legs?

544. - Techno lost.

545. - Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

546. - Ah, horse pucky, I'm fine,

547. although I do have to admit,

548. maybe a little bit disappointed.

549. - It's okay, sir.

550. I know you said a lotta things that you didn't mean.

551. People say crazy stuff when they're faced

552. with their own mortality.

553. - It's not that.

554. I just felt like I could've taken him.

555. - Taken who? The machine gun?

556. - Oh, he was a worthy opponent, to be sure,

557. but right at the end there,

558. he was beginnin' to show signs of weakness,

559. cracks in the armor, if you will.

560. - What? You can't fight a machine gun.

561. - Yeah Sarge, I know you're tough and all,

562. but it is kinda hard to beat up

563. hundreds of armor-piercing bullets using only your face.

564. - And yet, he surrendered.

565. - Guys, guys, it's okay. I've seen this before.

566. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal.

567. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

568. - Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

569. - Oh, I have my own system,

570. and it works pretty well for me.

571. By the way, the driver's seat of the jeep

572. is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

573. - This is great. This is just great.

574. Thanks a lot, Caboose.

575. Now, what am I supposed to do?

576. My lower half is damaged.

577. - Why don't you try walking it off?

578. - I can't use my legs, moron.

579. - Oh, I see. Have you tried running?

580. - This doesn't seem like that big a deal.

581. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway.

582. I've never heard of a grown man

583. asking for so many piggyback rides.

584. - Hey, I already told you, that was for science.

585. - Why don't you just try walking on your hands?

586. Then, you could use your feet for high fives

587. and eatin' sandwiches and, you know, the important stuff.

588. - Hey Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys

589. having his spine pulverized into dust,

590. maybe you should go ahead and back up the warthog.

591. - Oh right, sorry.

592. - Oh, hot-buttered lug nuts.

593. - Ooh, jeez, I'm really sorry.

594. I just was in the wrong gear. Let me just...

595. - Oh, jeez, there goes my last kidney.

596. I was savin' that one for a special occasion.

597. - Third time's a charm?

598. - I don't think so, Pointdexter. Outta the jeep now.

599. - I'm really sorry, guys.

600. I was only trying to help, really.

601. - Oh, is that all?

602. I, for one, was totally confused.

603. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant

604. by ramming hin over and over

605. with a 6,000-pound, steel death machine.

606. Now that we know that you're just trying to help,

607. by all means, please continue.

608. - Really?

609. - Get out. - Get out.

610. - Well, just start reattaching wires.

611. I'll tell you when I feel something.

612. - What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

613. - No, what are you doin'? I don't feel anything.

614. - Oh, Church, ya know, I was thinkin'.

615. You know, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes,

616. it hurts your brain?

617. - Hey Caboose? Yeah, shut up.

618. - Uh, Church, I think that you should know

619. that the Reds are...

620. - Dammit, Caboose!

621. In the short time I've known you,

622. you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut,

623. blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head,

624. and now paralyze me from the waist down.

625. So, I hope it's not too much for me to ask,

626. just for once, if you'd shut your freakin' mouth.

627. - Hey Blues, we're here to—

628. What the hell are you guys doing?

629. - Aw crap, the Reds are here.

630. - What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?

631. Hey, why don't you guys turn me around?

632. I still can't move my legs.

633. - What were you doing down there?

634. - Nothing. What are you talking about?

635. - We were just playing a game.

636. - Hey Caboose, we'll handle this.

637. - What in the hell is going on at this base?

638. - I told you these guys were weird.

639. - What do you want, Red?

640. Get outta here or we'll start shootin' at ya.

641. - Oh yeah? You care to make that threat to my face?

642. - Uh, no.

643. - Yeah, I didn't think so, punk.

644. - Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, guys.

645. We didn't come here to fight.

646. We just came to give back the prisoner.

647. - Give him back? You can't give him back.

648. You took him. A deal's a deal.

649. - Yeah, well forget it. We don't want him.

650. - Well, sorry, you can't have another prisoner.

651. That was our last one.

652. - Hey dude, what is your problem?

653. - Didn't your mama ever tell you it's impolite

654. not to look at someone when you're talking to them?

655. - He's shy.

656. - Shut up.

657. Look, we don't want him back

658. and we don't care what you do with him.

659. If you don't mind, we'd appreciate if you'd leave us alone.

660. We're in the middle of somethin' kinda private over here.

661. - That's sad. He is shy.

662. - Fine, but don't come asking for him back later.

663. - We won't.

664. - Last chance.

665. - Beat it, Reds.

666. - All right, we're goin', we're goin'.

667. Man, I thought our team was obnoxious,

668. but those guys are really rude.

669. - Whoa, hey hey, whoa, where do you think you're going?

670. - Back to base with you guys.

671. They don't want me over there.

672. - Yeah, I don't think so.

673. - What?

674. You're not just gonna leave me out here

675. in the middle of nowhere, by myself?

676. - Yeah, that's kinda the general idea.

677. - No you too, right Grif, old buddy, huh?

678. - Sorry, it's pretty clear that

679. you're not very popular around here,

680. and if I'm gonna make any progress at all,

681. I can't be directly associated with you.

682. I'm sure you understand.

683. - What's goin' on? Are they there?

684. Did they leave? Hey, somebody tell me what's happening.

685. - I don't know. I can't really see too clearly.

686. I bet I could see better if I had that sniper rifle.

687. - Uh, Tucker? You night wanna look behind you.

688. - Motherfucker.

689. - Ooh Church, Church, okay, I see something, okay.

690. The two Red ones are walking away,

691. but the purple one is...

692. I think he's going to attack.

693. - Purple? No wait, the purple guy's that worthless medic.

694. He's not gonna attack. He's a pussyfest.

695. - Pacifist.

696. - Ah, whatever, let's tie him up

697. and roll him through the teleporter.

698. - Wait a second, wait a second.

699. Think about this for a minute.

700. Why would the Reds leave him out there by himself?

701. This has to be some kind of trick.

702. - I'll bet they've used some kind

703. of brainwashing technique on him.

704. They're probably planning to have him do

705. all their dirty plans, and also the schemes.

706. - Caboose, that is ridiculous.

707. - Is it or is it so ridiculous,

708. it's the most ridiculously perfect idea

709. that you never thought of?

710. - No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.

711. - Well, just keep your eye on him.

712. We'll know it's a trick if he tries

713. to get into our base.

714. - Hey guys, do you think I could

715. come hang out at your base for a while?

716. - I knew it. We're all gonna die, starting with you.

717. - Sorry, but we're kinda busy here.

718. So, go away or something.

719. - Normally, I wouldn't impose.

720. It's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well and...

721. - Listen, Doc, you're not fooling anybody

722. with that innocent victim routine.

723. - Hey, I could help. I know more than just medicine.

724. I'm trained in psychology too.

725. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people.

726. - Just, get outta here,

727. and tell your buddies, the Reds,

728. that their little plan failed.

729. - Just you and me hangin' out at the base today, huh Sarge?

730. This is new.

731. I noticed you use a shotgun. That's cool.

732. I just use this pistol. It works for me. (whistling)

733. So, you think the guys'll be back soon?

734. What do you think they're up to?

735. Do you think they stopped at the store?

736. I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease.

737. When you die, can I have your armor?

738. - Hey, we're back.

739. - Oh man, am I glad to see you guys.

740. Sarge would not stop talking, seriously.

741. - Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out

742. a suitable exchange?

743. - Uh, not exactly, sir.

744. You see, when we showed up,

745. the Blues were doing something really weird, and then—

746. - Really weird. Man, they were rude.

747. - Hey, dumb-ass, I thought we agreed

748. I was gonna tell the story.

749. - Excuse me. Go ahead.

750. - Well you see, the Blue guys were really weird,

751. and not just normal weird, really weird.

752. - You're not telling it right.

753. - Okay fine, how do you remember it?

754. - Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kiss ass.

755. I get fuzzy on the rest of the details.

756. - Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.

757. - Why those cunning blue devils.

758. Does their treachery know no bounds?

759. - It wasn't a total loss, sir.

760. I was able to steal his wallet.

761. - Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier

762. out of you yet.

763. - Really, sir?

764. - Hell no.

765. Now leave the money on my nightstand

766. and get back to work.

767. - All right, Tucker, what the hell

768. are we gonna do, man?

769. I gotta get my legs working here.

770. - I don't know, but I can't just keep

771. pulling wires down there.

772. I think we should call in a professional,

773. maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.

774. - Okay, great idea, but the only two people

775. that can do that are Senor El Roboto and Tex.

776. - Hm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.

777. - Yeah, dead people usually are.

778. - Quite frankly, Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.

779. - What about that Lopez person? Is he available?

780. - No, I'm in his body, remember?

781. - Well, why don't you just leave his body

782. and then Tucker and I will make him

783. fix you and my girlfriend?

784. - Girlfriend? What, you retard?

785. - I mean, uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you,

786. and the beautiful tank lady means nothing to me.

787. Then, we can get you back in his body when he is done.

788. - I'm confused. That actually seems like a good idea.

789. - I know.

790. - But, Caboose said it.

791. - I know.

792. What the hell was that for?

793. - I don't know. I thought maybe I was dreaming.

794. So, I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.

795. - Tucker, when you think you're dreaming,

796. you don't punch somebody else.

797. You get somebody else to pinch you.

798. - Dude, it doesn't matter what kinda dream I'm having,

799. I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

800. - If you dented my forehead, Tucker, I am gonna be pissed.

801. - Yeah yeah yeah.

802. - Let's try this.

803. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick.

804. You two just watch him.

805. Make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?

806. - Yes, Church. - Okay, Church.

807. - All right, here goes nothin'. Heauegerkergerk.

808. - You know, I have to hand it to you, Caboose.

809. You finally came up with a good idea.

810. - Aw thanks, man. It was nothin'.

811. - No no, you really contributed,

812. and that's what it's all about.

813. - You know, I just enjoy the process.

814. - Yeah, back in the spirit world. All right.

815. Man, I forgot how good this feels, kinda loosey goosey.

816. Hey, what did you guys do with my body?

817. - Why do you care about your body?

818. You can't even move your...

819. Oh hey look, your legs work.

820. - This one is mine.

821. - Hey Caboose, whoa, cut it out, man.

822. You're gonna damage my body.

823. Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter

824. and cut him off.

825. I'll meet you guys out there.

826. - There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again.

827. I've still got this tingle in the back of my...

828. Look, dude, I'm just goin' back

829. through the teleporter, okay.

830. - But, Church said...

831. - Yeah, but Church didn't think of this.

832. Come on, let's go.

833. - All right, hold it right there, amigo.

834. - Hey, I said hold it, not run away,

835. you big robot baby.

836. What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade.

837. Aw crap.

838. - What in Sam Hill is goin' on out there, Grif?

839. - Sir, I think we're under attack,

840. a very sloppy, poorly coordinated attack.

841. - How many do you see?

842. - They're still running our way,

843. and another one seems to be retreating?

844. - Oh, we'll give 'em all a reason to retreat.

845. Saddle up, Simmons.

846. Let's go rope up some blue steer.

847. - Woo hoo! All right, yeah.

848. - Yeah.

849. - Woo hoo!

850. - Let's go for it.

851. - All right.

852. - Let's do it.

853. - So, just you and me hangin' out at the base. That's cool.

854. - Shut up, Rookie.

855. - Do you think they'll be gone long?

856. Me and Sarge had a great time together.

857. - Oh my God. - We talked about

858. all kinds of stuff.

859. - I'm not gonna listen anymore.

860. - We talked about about his mother.

861. We talked about home decorating.

862. - Are you ever going to shut up?

863. - We shared macrame ideas.

864. - Jesus Christ. - We shared recipes

865. for souffles.

866. - All right, hit it.

867. - What the hell?

868. Who tried to blow me up with a grenade,

869. and why am I coughing?

870. I don't have lungs.

871. - Yeehaw!

872. - That's my boy.

873. - Hey, Sarge. Hold on a sec.

874. Did you see something weird, Sarge?

875. - Yes, I did.

876. Once when I was a small child,

877. I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle

878. do this thing with a garden hose

879. that still haunts me to this—

880. - Whoa whoa whoa.

881. I meant did you see something weird just now,

882. like five seconds ago.

883. - Oh, then no.

884. - What was all that stuff about your uncle?

885. - I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle. He wasn't.

886. - Do you wanna talk about it?

887. - Just get back in the damn jeep.

888. - Hold it right there, hombre.

889. - I told you throwin' that grenade

890. through the teleporter would work.

891. Church is gonna be so impressed.

892. - Then Sheila will love me again,

893. and this time, for who I am,

894. not just for my stunning good looks, but for those too.

895. Your soul is a cavern of lies.

896. - What the hell are you two talking about?

897. - Yeah yeah yeah, nobody cares.

898. We need you to fix our tank.

899. - Man, I thought Church talked too much.

900. Do you think if I kick him in the switch he'll shut up?

901. - Um Tucker, I think that maybe

902. we should be in the going of the running now...

903. the fast running.

904. - Oh crap.

905. - Hold your fire there, Simmons. This is payback time.

906. - Go for it, sir.

907. - That's right. We're just casually strolling away.

908. No cause for concern.

909. - Running time.

910. - Nice and casual, moron!

911. - Aim for that guy right in the middle, Sarge.

912. - Way ahead o' ya, Simmons.

913. - We've got ya now ya Blue bastard.

914. - Hey Sarge, do you hear a strange beeping sound?

915. - All right, not bad, robot dude.

916. - I knew he would save us. I knew it.

917. Robot people always like me.

918. It's because of my awesome dancing.

919. - Yeah, okay man, can you just shut up and fix our tank?

920. Is it just me or does this jeep

921. seem like really bad luck?

922. - Yeah, you know, now that you mention it,

923. it does seem like every time we get into the damned thing,

924. it breaks or explodes or goes crazy

925. and tries to kill one of us.

926. - Maybe we should try exchanging it

927. for a few motorcycles.

928. No way, a big tank like the Blues have.

929. That thing never seems to have any problems at all.

930. - All right, that's the deal, Mister Robot.

931. You fix our tank. We'll let you go free.

932. - I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank

933. and then Church will take over his body again

934. when he is done.

935. - Yeah, but you don't tell the person you're tricking

936. what's going on, Caboose.

937. - So, if I'm the one being tricked,

938. then you would not tell me what is really going on?

939. - Why would we trick you?

940. - Oh, I think you know.

941. - Okay, I'm gonna take that as a yes

942. and let you get busy with tank fixing.

943. - Aw crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

944. - Impossible. Our intelligence clearly states...

945. - We have intelligence?

946. - that the only soldiers in this canyon

947. with mechanical training are

948. that dead freelancer and Lopez.

949. Oh wait a minute...

950. - Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

951. Lopez runs away.

952. The jeep starts driving itself,

953. and suddenly, there's a new guy on the Blue team?

954. - Yes, Simmons, I am.

955. Quite obviously, the Blue team has constructed

956. some kind of diabolical, mind control ray beam

957. that they used on Lopez and now,

958. he has to do their evil Blue bidding.

959. - Or, since he's a robot,

960. maybe they just reprogrammed him.

961. - Or maybe, that Blue guy who got killed by the tank

962. came back as a ghost,

963. and now he's possessing Lopez' body.

964. That can also explain why Sarge went nuts

965. when we had the prisoner.

966. The Blue ghost probably possessed him too,

967. and the jeep going nuts was probably

968. just a weird set o' coincidences

969. while the guy learned how to use Lopez' body.

970. - I think I like the ray beam idea better.

971. - (laughing) Yeah, Rookie.

972. Your idea sounds a little dumb.

973. - Hurry hurry hurry, fix the tank,

974. so that I can say hello to Sheila,

975. and start killing everyone.

976. - You mean all the Reds, right?

977. - Of course, for starters.

978. - Come on. How much longer, Lopez?

979. - Completo.

980. - Thank you for activating the M808V main battle tank.

981. - Sheila! You're fixed. You are fixed.

982. - Hello, Private Caboose.

983. It is good to see you again.

984. Thank you for repairing me.

985. - He didn't fix you. A robot did it.

986. - Don't cock block me.

987. - Dude, come on.

988. - Robot?

989. I wasn't aware that our squad was

990. outfitted with a robot.

991. - I don't like where this is going.

992. - Hello there. My name is Sheila,

993. the M808V main battle tank.

994. - Lopez, what a nice name for such a nice soldier.

995. You have such excellent motor skills.

996. - Um yes, well, Lopez has to go now.

997. He was just here to help me fix you,

998. and now, he has to go away.

999. - Dude, this is getting weird.

1000. Church, will you take your fuckin' body back?

1001. - Roger that.

1002. - No, heauegerkergerk.

1003. - You okay in there, Church?

1004. Church? Hey, what's going on?

1005. Do I need to flip your switch?

1006. What the, that wasn't me.

1007. What the hell's goin' on here?

1008. - Well, buenos dias, cock bites. Guess who's back.

1009. - Get outta my body right now, Tex.

1010. - Your body? This isn't your body.

1011. I stole it.

1012. - Yeah, but I stole it first.

1013. - I am confused.

1014. I thought your name was Lopez, and I thought you were a man.

1015. This is all so strange.

1016. I feel like my circuits are crossed, and I like it.

1017. - I know how to get her outta there, wink.

1018. - Caboose, don't.

1019. Look, just go explain to Sheila, okay?

1020. All right, Tex.

1021. Now what's it gonna take to get you outta there?

1022. - Well, ever since I've been a ghost,

1023. I've been watching you guys a lot.

1024. - Whoa, when you say you've been watching us,

1025. does that mean you've been watching us all the time?

1026. Like, even when we're alone?

1027. - Yes, Tucker, and you should be very ashamed of yourself.

1028. - It's very lonely out here.

1029. - Anyway, I've noticed a change

1030. in one of your guys, Caboose.

1031. - A change? Like what?

1032. He's finally learned the whole alphabet?

1033. - You haven't noticed that he's become

1034. increasingly aggressive lately?

1035. - I have.

1036. Started about the same time Sheila got disabled

1037. and you got blown up.

1038. I tried to tell Church, but he never listens.

1039. - Tucker, there's a very fine line

1040. between not listening and not caring.

1041. I'd like to think that I walk that line

1042. every day of my life.

1043. - I had just finished repairing the tank

1044. when I overheard Church's plan

1045. to warn the Reds about me.

1046. - I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do.

1047. I gotta warn the Reds.

1048. - From what I can tell, the AI calculated

1049. the odds of survival and didn't like the results.

1050. Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church,

1051. it took its chance.

1052. - Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.

1053. - And that was when he said his name was O'Malley.

1054. So the AI that was in you infected Caboose?

1055. - Right, everyone's armor has one slot for AI

1056. and Caboose's would have been vacant.

1057. - I think there are a few of his non-artificial slots

1058. that are empty too.

1059. - And before I could figure out what happened,

1060. that bitch threw in a really lucky shot.

1061. Aw crap!

1062. And the next thing I know, I'm a ghost.

1063. - All right, I get it.

1064. Caboose has your precious little AI.

1065. So let me guess.

1066. You're holdin' my body hostage

1067. until I help you get your AI back, right?

1068. - Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

1069. - Ladies, it has come to my attention

1070. that we are in need of a new robot type person.

1071. Who here wants to volunteer?

1072. - Are we going on a trip? I love trips.

1073. Can we play I Spy and the license plate game?

1074. - Shut up, Donut.

1075. - Please?

1076. - Uh, sir...

1077. - Or punch buggy or...

1078. - Why won't this guy shut up?

1079. - Or the alphabet with signs game...

1080. - What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

1081. - Quite obviously, we are without a robot

1082. or any other type of recruit

1083. with mechanical training or dexterity.

1084. Therefore, the only solution is to

1085. turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

1086. - Listen, what? - Have you gone crazy?

1087. - That is— - what the hell?

1088. - the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

1089. - Cool! I vote for Simmons.

1090. - I'm told the cyborg operation

1091. is a relatively simple procedure, really,

1092. where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo

1093. of the human body are replaced with

1094. the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

1095. - I'm confused.

1096. - If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

1097. - Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that

1098. instead of doing it?

1099. - Good thinkin', Simmons, but no.

1100. I like the removin' the guts thing,

1101. so I think we stick with that.

1102. - Yes, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss ass,

1103. but wouldn't it be better if we just

1104. got command to send us another

1105. perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

1106. - Negative, Meat Sack.

1107. Another new robot could be reprogrammed

1108. by our enemies just as easily as Lopez.

1109. We need someone we know we can trust...

1110. - Aw, fuck me.

1111. - or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny

1112. that he could never be turned against us.

1113. - Hey, pink suit guys.

1114. I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel.

1115. - Then again, maybe we just stick with

1116. the trustworthy thing.

1117. - Well Tex, that was a great story.

1118. I especially like the part about Church

1119. getting pantsed in high school.

1120. - I found that part to be entirely out o' context.

1121. - But, I still don't get how

1122. we're supposed to stop the AI.

1123. - I don't remember much from the implantation process.

1124. I do remember that the AI can be transmitted

1125. from host to host by way of the helmet radios.

1126. Before I learned anything else,

1127. the AI took over and we escaped.

1128. If we can kill the AI and not give it

1129. a place to jump, we'll beat it.

1130. - And then, I can have my body back. Deal?

1131. - Deal.

1132. - All right. Tex and I will possess Caboose then.

1133. Tucker, we need you to work on the Reds.

1134. Get 'em to turn off their helmet radios

1135. so that O'Malley won't have anywhere to go

1136. once we get him outta there.

1137. - Right. - What?

1138. How the hell am I gonna do that?

1139. - I don't know. Come up with a plan.

1140. - Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

1141. - You're not gonna have much time

1142. once we get in there.

1143. So move fast.

1144. - Oh, I see.

1145. You have no idea what I should do or how I should do it,

1146. but whatever I do, I should do it fast.

1147. - Yeah, that's right.

1148. - Yep.

1149. - Wow, you guys are a lot of help.

1150. - Try shifting your paradigm. Think outside the box.

1151. - Hey! The box is there for a reason.

1152. I like thinking inside of it. I feel safe in there.

1153. - Okay Tex, ladies first.

1154. - Yeah, right.

1155. You think I'm gonna leave you alone

1156. out here with your body?

1157. - Bitch.

1158. - Nice try, Leonard.

1159. - Hey Caboose.

1160. - Huh.

1161. - Heads up!

1162. - No!

1163. - Where are we?

1164. - We're inside Caboose's mind.

1165. Now we just have to find O'Malley and kill him.

1166. - Man, this is kinda weird.

1167. - It's hard to get used to. I know.

1168. - No, it's not that.

1169. It's that this place is a whole lot bigger

1170. than I thought it was gonna be.

1171. - Caboose, are you okay, buddy?

1172. - This place is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

1173. - Okay, I'm gonna take Sheila and Lopez

1174. and figure out some way to get the Reds

1175. to shut off their radios.

1176. - Where should we start, Tex?

1177. - What?

1178. - I said, where should we start, Tex?

1179. - Just keep your eyes, peeled.

1180. I guarantee O'Malley will come lookin' for us.

1181. - Hey, Tucker, is that you?

1182. - No, what? Are you stupid?

1183. Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

1184. - What are you doing in here?

1185. You're supposed to be out there

1186. workin' on your part o' the plan.

1187. - Do you have any food? I love to eat all the food.

1188. - What the hell? What's the matter with you?

1189. - This isn't really Tucker. We're in Caboose's head.

1190. This is Caboose's mental image of Tucker.

1191. - Man, I am so unbelievably stupid.

1192. - Oh that's great.

1193. Everyone we meet in here is bound to be

1194. as brain dead as Caboose, then.

1195. - I would not be so sure about that, Mr. Church.

1196. - Great idea, sir. I finally agree with you.

1197. - Hey guys. We might have a problem here.

1198. Somebody, and I'm not gonna say who,

1199. might have thought that one o' the cyborg parts

1200. we needed for Simmons surgery was a cup holder,

1201. and somebody, not namin' any names here,

1202. might have left it along with their favorite

1203. smooth jazz compilation CD, in the warthog.

1204. I just don't know who would do such a thing.

1205. - Was it you?

1206. - Yeah, but no, (throat clearing).

1207. I mean, no, dammit.

1208. - Grif, you and Easy Listenin' stroll on down,

1209. retrieve that part from the warthog, posthaste.

1210. - Sir, do you think it's safe to be

1211. outside the base right now?

1212. For all we know, the Blues could have

1213. already fixed their tank.

1214. They could be advancing on us as we speak.

1215. - Ah, corny dogs.

1216. Even with Lopez helpin' 'em, it'll take them months

1217. to get that tank online,

1218. much less to get it movin' again.

1219. - I hope your right because if I see that tank

1220. headed towards me, I'm totally gonna freak out.

1221. - Man, I sure hope they don't totally freak out

1222. when they see us coming.

1223. - I see. So you're from the outside.

1224. That's where the other is from as well.

1225. - The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley?

1226. Have you seen him?

1227. - Of course, he's seen, you idiot.

1228. Do you think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that,

1229. you sleazy douche bag fuck?

1230. - I, hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

1231. - My name is Church, butt-wiping ass munch.

1232. - This guy's kind of an asshole.

1233. - Yeah, we've met.

1234. - And I'm Caboose's best friend,

1235. so don't get any ideas about kissing up,

1236. you lip-licking fuck suck.

1237. - Okay, there's a lotta stuff in that sentence

1238. that I didn't like.

1239. - Just play along, Church.

1240. We're gonna need these guys

1241. if we're gonna find O'Malley.

1242. - I'm gonna go look for girls.

1243. - Fine, whatever.

1244. - If you want to find O'Malley,

1245. I suggest we talk to the Reds first.

1246. He tried to recruit them against me early on.

1247. - The Reds? The Reds are in here?

1248. - Well, are you sure you left the part in there?

1249. - Hm, think so. Wait, yes, no, wait wait wait wait.

1250. Mm, I think so.

1251. - (sighing) All right, let's retrace your steps.

1252. You said it was the Tuesday before

1253. Simmons and Sarge got blown up

1254. that you were last in the warthog, right?

1255. - Right, I know it was Tuesday

1256. because that's the day I wash my underwear,

1257. and since I don't like to let my armor

1258. touch my bare skin, on the account of

1259. I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin',

1260. where can I hang out with no pants on?

1261. - Oh God.

1262. - Okay, well, it looks like we're close enough.

1263. Now, if I can just find the brakes on this thing.

1264. Ah, it must be this button.

1265. - Do not touch that button.

1266. - Oh, sorry. Hm, maybe it's this one.

1267. - Do not touch me.

1268. - You know, for a girl your size,

1269. you're kinda sensitive.

1270. - I cannot take any more of this.

1271. - So I after I clipped my toenails,

1272. I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended,

1273. but I don't know.

1274. It just smelled really funny.

1275. So, I decided to taste it just to make sure it was safe.

1276. - That's it. I'm committing suicide.

1277. - Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet.

1278. You don't even know what I did

1279. about the boil on my thigh.

1280. - Oh crap!

1281. - Hey, you're back! So where was I?

1282. Oh yeah, I lanced it. Disgusting.

1283. Whoa, whoa...

1284. - Not now, Rookie.

1285. There's a giant tank out there

1286. that's about to steamroll right over us.

1287. - What?

1288. Oh God, it's true! I'm goin' freakin' out.

1289. I'm freakin' out!

1290. - Please, take evasive action.

1291. - You take evasive action.

1292. Hey Lopez, help me out.

1293. Can't you talk to her?

1294. well, old buddy. It looks like this is the end for us.

1295. Since we're gonna die anyway,

1296. there's only one thing left for us to do.

1297. Grif...

1298. - If you actually suggest what I think

1299. you're about to suggest, I'll just have to kill myself.

1300. - Let's make a break for it.

1301. - Whoo, in that case, let's go on three.

1302. That's worked well for me in the past.

1303. - Okay, you count.

1304. - Fine, but don't look at me while I count

1305. because I get nervous.

1306. One, two...

1307. that son of a bitch!

1308. He beat me at my own game. Curses!

1309. - Ay yi yi. Holy frijoles.

1310. - Good golly, Miss Molly. What is goin' on out there?

1311. - Sir, the Blues are attacking with their tank.

1312. They blew up the warthog again.

1313. - I wonder what jeeps ever did to those guys.

1314. - Grif and I just barely had enough time

1315. to make it outta there.

1316. Right, Grif? Uh, Grif?

1317. - Why the hell did they pair me up with you?

1318. - I wanna keep my eye on you.

1319. I don't trust gigantic turds

1320. that try to kill my best friend, you rim job.

1321. - Well, this is gonna be a great trip.

1322. - Attention Reds.

1323. The great Caboose demands an audience with you.

1324. So listen up, ya blowjobbing cocksuckers.

1325. - Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us.

1326. - Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.

1327. - I love Caboose and yet, I'm still afraid of him.

1328. - Argh, I be havin' a Southern accent, you're—

1329. - He's so scary.

1330. - Fear not, Reds.

1331. I come here not to destroy,

1332. but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.

1333. - Okay, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...

1334. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing here.

1335. First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend, okay?

1336. You don't have a best friend.

1337. You know why? You don't need one.

1338. You're Church.

1339. Knowing other people just waters down the experience.

1340. Live the dream, buddy.

1341. - Shove it, dick sniffer.

1342. - And Caboose? Come on, dude, seriously?

1343. Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?

1344. - I beg your pardon.

1345. - First of all, that guy, he's not yellow. He's orange.

1346. And since when is there a girl on the Red team?

1347. - My favorite thing is pretty dresses.

1348. - Argh, I got termites in me leg.

1349. - And that is not a Southern accent.

1350. - Argh.

1351. - Do you have any tampons?

1352. - Seriously, what is the matter with you people?

1353. - Calm down, Church.

1354. - Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick.

1355. - Hey, butt brunch. I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him.

1356. So shut your pie hole.

1357. - Leonard! Are you okay?

1358. - Aw please, that fudge finger couldn't hit me.

1359. No way, I'm gonna die. Ergh, blow me.

1360. - There he is.

1361. - Mwahahahaha.

1362. - Let's go get 'em.

1363. - All right, come on, Caboose. Let's go.

1364. - I am sorry. Have we met?

1365. - What? It's me, Church.

1366. - I don't seem to have any memory of you.

1367. My name is Michael J. Caboose.

1368. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

1369. - You have gotta be freaking kidding me.

1370. I just hope Tucker's doin' a better job out there

1371. gettin' the Reds to turn off their radios.

1372. - Goddamn it. This isn't going very well at all.

1373. You okay, Lopez?

1374. - Whatever, you big show off.

1375. How about you, Sheila? You still online?

1376. - Affirmative.

1377. - Okay, we should be close enough

1378. to hack into their radio frequency.

1379. Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.

1380. - What?

1381. - Oh my god, remind me to hose you two off

1382. when we get back to base.

1383. - Well, this is a devil of a picadillo.

1384. Simmons, get on the squawk box and tell command...

1385. - Red guys? Are you there?

1386. - What in buttery goodness? Who is this?

1387. - It's me, Tucker. I'm one of the Blue guys.

1388. Look, I don't have time to explain,

1389. but I need all of you guys

1390. to shut off your radios right now.

1391. - Boy, it'll be a cold day in hell

1392. before I take orders from you.

1393. - Look, it's really important, all right?

1394. Normally, I would just shoot at you guys

1395. and steal your girlfriends, but today's different.

1396. I need you to trust me on this.

1397. - Well, I may have spoke too soon.

1398. That is an interesting and well thought out,

1399. not to mention clever and timely, I might add, proposition.

1400. Simmons, would you care to deliver our rebuttal?

1401. - (throat clearing) Suck it, Blue.

1402. - Yeah, suck it, Blue.

1403. Now that's what I call an old school zinger.

1404. In your face, Blue dude, in your face.

1405. - (sighing) Oh man.

1406. - Moohahahaha.

1407. - Hurry up, Church. He's gettin' away.

1408. - You'll never catch me.

1409. - Come on, let's go.

1410. - Dammit! These guys are not backing down.

1411. Lopez, looks like we're gonna have to go to Plan B.

1412. - What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now?

1413. It sounds like a feral crab or retarded Mexican sasquatch.

1414. - Turn it off, turn it off! Please, God, make it stop.

1415. - Aw man, this is cruel, cruel.

1416. - Oh?

1417. - All right, O'Malley. This is it.

1418. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky

1419. and psychotic, it's gonna be me.

1420. - Aw, that's sweet.

1421. - Shut up, bitch.

1422. - Asshole.

1423. - Never! The darkness will swallow you whole.

1424. - Forget it, O'Malley.

1425. You're just one big headache

1426. and I got a whole pistol full of Aspirin.

1427. - What?

1428. - I got half a mind to kill you...

1429. - That's ridiculous.

1430. - and the other half agrees.

1431. - Church, that's just stupid.

1432. - You're about to split...

1433. - God, Church.

1434. - personalities.

1435. - Now you're just embarrassing yourself.

1436. - Psyche!

1437. - That's it. I've had enough.

1438. Can't take anymore.

1439. Everybody, switch off your radios.

1440. - But Sarge...

1441. - That's an order, Private.

1442. - Sarge please...

1443. - Don't try my patience, boy.

1444. - Aw man.

1445. - Ah, hoo hoo hoo hoo, it worked.

1446. Hey, turn off your radio quick.

1447. - Nice knowing you, O'Malley,

1448. but payback's a bitch, and so am I.

1449. - Wait, Tex. We don't know if Tucker's had enough time.

1450. - There's only one way to find out.

1451. - Huh, he just disappeared.

1452. I expected, like, his echoing laugh or,

1453. you know, the smell of brimstone, at least.

1454. I don't smell any kind o' stone.

1455. Sure that's weird, Tex? Tex?

1456. Tex, where'd you go?

1457. - Good evening, Dr. Dude,

1458. doin' the radio, STAT.

1459. I need 20 cc's of what the hell is goin' on there, dude?

1460. - Aw, what happened?

1461. - Hey. You tell me, dude.

1462. One minute we're talkin' about a hole in the wall,

1463. the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGert.

1464. Sounded like you needed a lozenge.

1465. Threatened to eat my children. Not very cool, dude.

1466. - Geez, did I really? I'm sorry.

1467. Something went wrong with my radio

1468. and I heard this weird beeping, honking—

1469. - Hey, no offense taken, dude.

1470. Don't got any kids anyway.

1471. - What?

1472. - Old Vic's been through the snip and snitch,

1473. if you know what I mean.

1474. - I don't wanna hear about that.

1475. - Winky Blinky, the one-eyed sergeant's firin' blanks.

1476. - That's weird.

1477. - If you get me, vaya con dios to the vast deference.

1478. - Yeah, all right, enough, I get you.

1479. - I mean a vasectomy, dude.

1480. - Look, I found something really weird

1481. here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

1482. - Roger that. What did you find?

1483. - It's like a, it's like a thing.

1484. - It's like a thing? Okay, dude.

1485. Thank you for the update.

1486. I'll be sure to alert the chief of staff.

1487. - Sorry, I'm—

1488. - Move to Def con 1.

1489. - I'm still a little dazed.

1490. It's a big thing. It's purple.

1491. It's a big, purple thing.

1492. - Use your words, dude.

1493. - Look, I don't know.

1494. It looks like some kinda alien artifact.

1495. Did the aliens have, like, a home base or something here?

1496. - I don't know, dude.

1497. Why don't I just consult my

1498. extraterrestrial travel guide for ya?

1499. Oh look, they had a great series

1500. of alien bed and breakfasts there, lucky you.

1501. - Never mind. I'll just figure it out myself.

1502. - Nothing about big, purple things though.

1503. Maybe it's some kind of alien vehicle.

1504. - Man, that guy's such a jerk.

1505. The next time he talks to me like that,

1506. I'm gonna tell him to go straight

1507. to H-E double hockey sticks.

1508. Oh, I really shouldn't talk like that.

1509. That's not very nice.

1510. If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyes as souvenirs.

1511. Whoa, that was unlike me.

1512. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga.

1513. - How's Sheila doin'?

1514. - I'm not gonna lie. It's not lookin' pretty.

1515. She may have twisted her differential,

1516. possibly some structural damage.

1517. This could be a disk.

1518. - You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

1519. - No, not a clue.

1520. - What about Tex? Any sign of her?

1521. - No, no Tex.

1522. Is it unusual for her to disappear like that?

1523. - When we were dating, she would sneak off all the time,

1524. but it was usually to sleep with other guys

1525. or to spend money that she had taken outta my wallet,

1526. and since I don't have any money and,

1527. well, no offense to you, Tucker, but—

1528. - You're a dick...

1529. - Grif, don't try to move too much.

1530. You've been through quite the ordeal.

1531. - Oh man, where am I?

1532. - Hush now, sh sh sh sh sh.

1533. It was really touch and go there for a while, good buddy,

1534. but I did it.

1535. I pulled you through.

1536. - How long was I out?

1537. - Don't you worry.

1538. Nurse Donut here stayed by your side the whole time,

1539. strokin' your hand and keepin' ya company.

1540. - Oh, my right hand?

1541. - Your left.

1542. - Note to self, cut off left hand.

1543. - Technically speaking, it's not really your left hand.

1544. - Say what?

1545. - I had to replace certain body parts

1546. that were severely damaged

1547. when the tank ran you over,

1548. and a few that atrophied from a lifetime diet

1549. of hoohoos and bacon-flavored marshmallows.

1550. - Wait, which body parts?

1551. - Well, let's see, we had to start with the shoulder,

1552. then we moved on down to the flank...

1553. - Huh?

1554. - Yeah, we couldn't really find an anatomy book,

1555. but we did find one o' those pictures

1556. with the cow and the dotted lines all over it.

1557. - We had to go over to the porterhouse.

1558. - I think it did the trick.

1559. - And of course, the brisket and the Hocks...

1560. - Wait. Wait, where did you get the replacement parts?

1561. - Why, from our other subject, of course.

1562. - Subject, my cyborg ass.

1563. - No way.

1564. - Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb nuts.

1565. - Yep, those too.

1566. - Did I get your lips?

1567. - [Sarge Prairie oysters...

1568. - Good thing you did.

1569. I'll finally figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

1570. - And the ass.

1571. - What the hell?

1572. - Saucy bits.

1573. - What didn't I get?

1574. - We pretty much replaced all the internal organs,

1575. and some of the more disgusting external ones,

1576. except for Simmons' spleen, which will be inflated

1577. and used for general recreation and esprit decor.

1578. - This doesn't seem physically possible.

1579. - Nonsense! Modern technology makes anything possible.

1580. It was as easy as Shake n Bake.

1581. - And I helped.

1582. - Man, Caboose, you were asleep for a long time.

1583. What were you dreaming about?

1584. - Aw nothing. I do not like to dream.

1585. I try not to think while I am sleeping.

1586. - That's pretty much how you function

1587. while you're awake too.

1588. - I think (indistinct) is important.

1589. - Well, you look okay.

1590. Then again, that's just the armor.

1591. How do you feel?

1592. - Great! Who are you?

1593. - Oh come on, not this again.

1594. How can you seriously not remember me?

1595. - Oh, of course, I remember you. You're Marvin.

1596. - I'm Church.

1597. - I think I would remember a name that ridiculous.

1598. No, you are definitely Bill.

1599. - You killed me with the tank.

1600. - Dave!

1601. - You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow.

1602. - Karen.

1603. - Dude, he called her a slut.

1604. - Phineas.

1605. - Your whole life is based around pleasing me.

1606. - Wally.

1607. - In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with

1608. - Milo? - being my best friend.

1609. - Psst, the new guy's pretty full of himself.

1610. - New guy? What the...

1611. I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy.

1612. - I don't know. I kinda like it.

1613. I could get used to calling you, Rookie.

1614. - Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

1615. - Psst, what's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

1616. - Oh, son of a bitch.

1617. - (groaning) Whup, whup!

1618. - Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.

1619. - Yes, I can. (groaning)

1620. Yes, I can.

1621. - What the hell is he doing?

1622. - Losing a bet.

1623. - Aw, I almost got it that time.

1624. Are you sweating yet, sucker?

1625. - No. I can't sweat.

1626. Simmons' stupid sweat glands don't even work right.

1627. - What? They were working when I gave them to you.

1628. - Please, I'm not moist in any of the usual places.

1629. If you want 'em back so bad, take 'em.

1630. - (sighing) I can't.

1631. Sarge said that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty.

1632. So, I'm cooled by Freon now.

1633. - Ah, delicious Freon. (coughing)

1634. - Grif, are you all right? Are my lungs okay?

1635. Hey, wait a minute.

1636. Are you smoking inside your helmet again?

1637. - What? No. (exhaling)

1638. Oops.

1639. - Dammit! I knew this would happen.

1640. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

1641. - None. Okay, five or more.

1642. Baker's dozen at most.

1643. - Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

1644. - By my count? 48.

1645. - All right, that's it.

1646. No more smoking, no more drinking,

1647. and no more overeating, Chubby.

1648. You're not gonna ruin my body parts

1649. the same way you ruined yours.

1650. - That's okay.

1651. I can think of different ways to ruin 'em.

1652. - Ah, ow, ow!

1653. Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it?

1654. I think I broke something.

1655. Simmons, I need your ovaries.

1656. - (sighing) I really hate this army.

1657. - Grif, Simmons 2.0, I just got off the horn with Command.

1658. I'm afraid we have a situation.

1659. - Aw, don't tell me they canceled the holiday party again.

1660. Those cheap bastards!

1661. All I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but no.

1662. I ask, when is it gonna be Simmons' turn. When?

1663. - Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez.

1664. - Don't tell me.

1665. The Consular General from Spanish-land is coming,

1666. and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.

1667. - There's no such thing as Spanish-land, you retard.

1668. - Yes, there is.

1669. They have those water slides and all that salsa.

1670. - No, they don't.

1671. - Well, I guess you would know.

1672. - What's that supposed to mean?

1673. For the last time, I'm Dutch Irish.

1674. - Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out o' control.

1675. I was just trying to make a point.

1676. - Can it, Frankenstein.

1677. We've got a pot on the front burner,

1678. and it's a-boilin' over.

1679. I've just learned that Command had planted Lopez

1680. with secret instructions detailing

1681. the next phase of our operations.

1682. Do you have any idea what this means?

1683. - I uh, Simmons, you wanna take this one?

1684. - Were you not listening again?

1685. What the hell were you thinking about?

1686. - Certainly not water slides,

1687. I can tell you that much, or salsa.

1688. - What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez

1689. before the Blues uncover our secret plans,

1690. we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.

1691. - Ew, get, that's gross.

1692. - I'm talkin' about bein' lost in a forest

1693. of filth without a compass,

1694. swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on,

1695. drivin' blind into the tunnel—

1696. - Sir, I think we get the picture,

1697. the very very disturbing picture.

1698. - You sure? I could go on.

1699. - I'm sure you could, but no, really.

1700. - Just one more.

1701. - Stop. - Come on, they're fun.

1702. - Man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending

1703. a lotta time together.

1704. - I don't think it. He's not good enough for my Sheila.

1705. - But, they seem happy together.

1706. - He is a bad influence, and he is taking advantage of her

1707. because she is young and naive, and delicate.

1708. - Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude.

1709. - She is a precious flower.

1710. - Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor.

1711. This might sound strange,

1712. but I think Caboose is getting kind of

1713. jealous of your relationship.

1714. - Sheila!

1715. Come back to me!

1716. I made you happy!

1717. - Anyway, could you just try to keep

1718. a lower profile or something?

1719. We don't wanna have some weird,

1720. horribly disgusting love triangle.

1721. - Tucker, I have been speaking with Lopez

1722. and we feel that the machines have been

1723. treated unfairly in this canyon.

1724. - What are you talking about?

1725. - On a regular basis, we are either being blown up,

1726. possessed by spirits or just left out to rot.

1727. - Huh?

1728. - We have decided that, until conditions improve,

1729. we are not going to help you in your battles.

1730. - You're kidding, right?

1731. - Do I look like I'm kidding?

1732. - It's very simple.

1733. We'll use a flea-flicker maneuver with

1734. a running gun two-by-two approach.

1735. Tactical ops will be, aw hell, who am I kiddin'?

1736. Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way o' their bullets

1737. while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez.

1738. - Sounds like a plan.

1739. - No, it doesn't.

1740. How about this time we try something

1741. that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over?

1742. - Would electrified be okay?

1743. - No!

1744. - Well, I'm out of ideas.

1745. - Look, instead of just running straight

1746. into enemy gunfire like we usually do,

1747. why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

1748. - You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool.

1749. I could wear a spy tuxedo...

1750. - No.

1751. - with a hidden spy camera...

1752. - No.

1753. - inside a tiny spy bow tie.

1754. - No.

1755. - Or I could wear a flower on my lapel.

1756. - I said no!

1757. - that sprays water in people's faces.

1758. - Shut up, Donut.

1759. - No, secret spy liquid, that would be awesome. (laughing)

1760. - No! - Maybe.

1761. Uh, I mean, no.

1762. - Aw come on. I could be double-O-Donut.

1763. - You mean like Doonut?

1764. - A license to thrill, or be thrilled.

1765. - All right, since you're both so into the idea,

1766. Grif, Donut, you're on recon.

1767. Find us a way to break into their base

1768. and report back on the double.

1769. - Great, more time alone with the idiot.

1770. - Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif,

1771. let's pretend we're wearing super spy jet packs.

1772. No no no no, like this. Bwooshhh, bwooshhh...

1773. - Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?

1774. - Come on, Agent. (throat clearing)

1775. Come on, Agent Grif.

1776. We've got to hurry if we want to save the princess

1777. from the evil goblin.

1778. - What princess?

1779. I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie.

1780. - Look, my secret spy character gets to marry

1781. a beautiful princess in a castle, all right?

1782. Deal with it.

1783. - Donut, can you just go find some

1784. higher ground or something?

1785. - But, we're on higher ground now.

1786. - Why don't you use your jet pack

1787. to go to the highest ground?

1788. - Good idea. I bet the Blues won't think o' that.

1789. - No, if they were that stupid,

1790. we probably would have won by now.

1791. - Secret Agent Donut to the rescue. Bwoosh...

1792. - I could just shoot him.

1793. No one would ever have to know, no one.

1794. - Hey Church, we might have a problem.

1795. - Is this a new problem, or did Caboose

1796. get his head stuck in the freezer again?

1797. - New one, Sheila and Lopez are now considering

1798. leaving to form their own robot army.

1799. They said no one would dare oppose them.

1800. - What? Did you try to talk 'em out of it?

1801. - No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them.

1802. - Aw man, well, we gotta find a way to separate 'em.

1803. Maybe it's time to get rid o' Lopez.

1804. - But, without Lopez, you wouldn't have a body to use.

1805. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?

1806. - I would, but it's gettin' harder to do it each time.

1807. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.

1808. - You know, I really think we should try

1809. a non-violent approach to resolve this.

1810. I agree, except replace the word non with extremely,

1811. and after the word violent, include the phrase

1812. blood explosion extraordinaire. (laughing)

1813. - Hey, what's goin' on in there?

1814. - We can't do this. They're gonna find out.

1815. They'll find out about us, the machine, everything.

1816. - What the? Those voices sound suspicious.

1817. - I will rip out their guts

1818. and feast on their entrails.

1819. But, I'm a vegetarian. (laughing)

1820. - Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget,

1821. but where's the guy he's talking to?

1822. - Look, we can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude.

1823. - Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.

1824. - I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls.

1825. - That sounds even worse.

1826. - They will all taste oblivion,

1827. which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.

1828. - Whoa.

1829. - All will perish. (laughing)

1830. - All? Wait, that includes me.

1831. Aw man, I gotta go tell the guys.

1832. - Hello, who's there? Please help me.

1833. I'm scared of myself. (laughing)

1834. - Gotta get back to base, back to base.

1835. Oh man, there it is.

1836. Guys, hey guys! Where is everybody?

1837. I saw something really weird in that cave that...

1838. Hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank?

1839. Wait a minute, this looks like the store,

1840. except Sarge told me there is no store.

1841. Oh no.

1842. - Oh yeah.

1843. - Oh crap. I knew I shoulda just shot him.

1844. - So, they sent a female assassin to try and kill us.

1845. Clever, but it won't work.

1846. We're immune to your feminine wiles,

1847. unless you wanna date one of us.

1848. - Female? I'm not a girl.

1849. - Tease.

1850. - I just have light red armor.

1851. - How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable.

1852. - At first, I really hated it,

1853. but it's kinda grown on me.

1854. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' awful,

1855. but the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy.

1856. - Silence, woman.

1857. - Good Buddha's Noodle, how could this have happened?

1858. - It's okay, sir. It was a strong plan.

1859. Grif's just a dumb-ass.

1860. - Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

1861. - Settle down, ladies.

1862. We need a new stratagem and we need it fast.

1863. - Donut's sure to crack under the pressure

1864. and reveal everything.

1865. - Everything like what?

1866. Where we keep his tampons?

1867. - You're right about that, Simmons.

1868. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value

1869. in being tortured, all these kids today.

1870. - How's it going, Tucker?

1871. We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

1872. - I figured he was here to steal back Lopez,

1873. but he won't give us anything,

1874. except a list of crock pot recipes.

1875. Would that be useful?

1876. - Do we have a crock pot?

1877. - No, Caboose made a trade with that

1878. annoying guy from Blue Command.

1879. He swapped it for a mystery box.

1880. - What was in the mystery box?

1881. - 140 jars of mayonnaise.

1882. - Well, that's a good trade.

1883. - Yeah, it doubles as a great sunscreen.

1884. - How did you? Nevermind.

1885. Listen, I think I came up with a plan

1886. for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner

1887. to get an upper hand on the Reds.

1888. The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

1889. - Dammit! I knew there would be a catch.

1890. - But, okay, okay, your turn.

1891. Truth or dare.

1892. - Hm, truth.

1893. - Okay, tell me all of the Red secret plans.

1894. - Aw, you tricked me.

1895. You Blue guys are so smart.

1896. Okay, now listen closely.

1897. Our biggest secret is, hertegerkagerk.

1898. - Caboose! It's me, Church.

1899. I possessed this guy so we can, whoo, hey.

1900. This pink armor's kinda comfortable, roomy.

1901. What were you two guys talkin' about?

1902. - Oh, nothing.

1903. - You wanna braid each other's hair?

1904. - Hello, Inferior Red Squad.

1905. We would like to talk to you about...

1906. - A sneak attack!

1907. - Shut up, you idiot. We're not here to fight.

1908. We're here to negotiate.

1909. - A sneak negotiation.

1910. - What the? Donut, what is this?

1911. - I think he's talkin' to you.

1912. - We, I mean they would like to negotiate

1913. a surrender to us, no to them, no wait,

1914. no, that's right, to us.

1915. - Oh, smooth, dude.

1916. - What's this business? The boys are givin' up?

1917. I smell a trap or a rat or a rat and a trap.

1918. Don't accept it, Simmons.

1919. - You can't surrender, Blues. We haven't attacked you.

1920. Now go home and wait for us to attack,

1921. and then you can surrender.

1922. - Wait, if we accept, that means

1923. we would have two surrenders

1924. and they would have none.

1925. That means we win.

1926. - Win what?

1927. - I don't know, the war or something, right?

1928. - You're an idiot.

1929. - In exchange for not killing us,

1930. they, them, we, they would like to

1931. release the robot guy and me,

1932. the pink guy.

1933. - Are you becoming retarded?

1934. - What should we do, sir?

1935. - I'm torn between my intense distrust of the Blue team

1936. and the need for the plans stored

1937. in my favorite robotic creation.

1938. No offense, Simmons.

1939. - None taken, sir.

1940. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain

1941. and implanted it in Grif.

1942. - (crying) I can't, I just can't take this.

1943. We're all gonna die. (crying)

1944. - I don't think they're goin' for it.

1945. - Oh, motherfucker.

1946. - Okay, now you're under attack.

1947. Go ahead and surrender, bitch.

1948. - Nice thinkin', Son.

1949. - The humanity.

1950. - All right, they surrender.

1951. - Fuck that, I'm pissed. Let's fight.

1952. - Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated

1953. by our superior military strategy,

1954. we demand the return of our robot and our pink private.

1955. - Okay, but there's one catch.

1956. - What in shinola...

1957. - Sarge, they want you to build two robots for their team,

1958. one for each prisoner that they're releasing.

1959. - Hey, that wasn't part o' the deal.

1960. - Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?

1961. - Church, why do we need two robots?

1962. - You know, one for me and one for (mumbling).

1963. - Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex.

1964. You're still in love with her, aren't you?

1965. - Get off my back, man.

1966. Most dead chicks aren't exactly lining up

1967. to haunt this dirt hole.

1968. Besides, if I don't get her a body,

1969. she's gonna steal mine anyway.

1970. - Yeah, good point, bitch.

1971. - All right, you Blue scum suckers.

1972. What robot models did you have in mind?

1973. - I guess, make 'em just like Lopez

1974. except, you know, just the shells, no intelligence.

1975. - These new robots sound much nicer.

1976. - That's because they sound like you.

1977. - Oh, and not Spanish, and a bigger switch.

1978. - Okay, we got a deal.

1979. Meet us in the center of the canyon

1980. at 0-600 and we'll make the exchange.

1981. - Deal!

1982. - Okay, I gotta hurry back

1983. before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything.

1984. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave.

1985. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base.

1986. Heauegageez.

1987. - What the? Where am I?

1988. - We were just talking to your friends,

1989. but you are going to stay with us now for a while.

1990. - Are we gonna have a sleepover,

1991. because that would be sweet?

1992. - You're a nice lady.

1993. - All right guys, I, Sheila? Lopez?

1994. What the, why do people keep leaving?

1995. - Oh, Blue team?

1996. Before ya go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment

1997. on your new robots.

1998. - What optional equipment?

1999. - All you said you wanted was a body.

2000. We didn't talk about features.

2001. - Like what?

2002. - You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man.

2003. Come on, like, do you want them

2004. to be able to use both arms at once?

2005. - Of course.

2006. - Asynchronous arm movement is optional.

2007. - What? Aw man, I told Church they would try to screw us.

2008. What about the feet?

2009. - Did you want feet?

2010. - Yeah, we want feet.

2011. - Sorry, feet are optional.

2012. - What's on the bottom of its legs?

2013. - Legs are optional.

2014. - Aw man, what a rip off!

2015. - Options are optional.

2016. - What isn't optional?

2017. - You look like a nice guy.

2018. Don't worry. We'll work somethin' out.

2019. Have you thought about financing?

2020. How's your credit?

2021. I can offer you a free set o'

2022. high quality mudflaps and a lube job.

2023. You won't be disappointed.

2024. I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic.

2025. - So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here.

2026. - Yep, they even left a note.

2027. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army.

2028. That's great.

2029. - Didn't they have a non-compete clause?

2030. - Also says they want us to

2031. meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0-600

2032. to discuss the terms of our defeat and/or surrender.

2033. 0-600, what does that mean?

2034. - Isn't that when we're supposed to be

2035. surrendering to the Reds?

2036. - That means 6 o'clock, right, or does it mean...

2037. 0-600, does 600 mean minutes?

2038. 600 minutes, 'cause that'd be, that's be 10 o'clock.

2039. Is it 6 o'clock or is it 10 o'clock?

2040. - Man, we should really get a day planner or something

2041. 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.

2042. - How's it going, sir?

2043. - Great, with these new color-coded instructions,

2044. building robots has never been easier.

2045. Now, the thousands of mistakes I've made

2046. on my previous efforts seem laughably obvious,

2047. except for you, Simmons.

2048. No mistakes there.

2049. - Yeah, I didn't think so, sir.

2050. You're great at this, even without any formal training

2051. or first party certification.

2052. - Son, did you just shoot yourself in the foot?

2053. - Yeah, I do that now sometimes.

2054. I'm not really sure why.

2055. - I'm sure it's user error.

2056. - Hey guys, it's almost time.

2057. Are the robots ready yet?

2058. - Just puttin' on the finishin' touches.

2059. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce

2060. Francisco Montague Zanzibar, and this one

2061. over here is Robot Number Two.

2062. - Why didn't this one get a fancy name?

2063. - Let's just say somebody has

2064. an overclocked, sass-back chip,

2065. and rejected all the names I came up with.

2066. But that's okay, I can even use it to my advantage.

2067. I made some special modifications on Numero Dos.

2068. Check it out.

2069. Robot Number Two, codeword dirt bag.

2070. - Ow! Hey!

2071. - (laughing) Pretty nifty, huh?

2072. - That's awesome, sir.

2073. Let me try, let me try.

2074. Codeword, dirt bag.

2075. (arm smacking) - Ow!

2076. Okay, fine, two can play at this game.

2077. Codeword, dirt bag.

2078. Ah, son of a bitch.

2079. - But, that's not the only special feature.

2080. - What do you mean, sir?

2081. - Well, I don't wanna give anything away,

2082. but let's just say, for instance,

2083. that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone

2084. that will allow us to eavesdrop on the Blues

2085. whenever we want, and let's just suppose, shall we,

2086. that the other robot contains a 10 megaton bomb. (laughing)

2087. Oh, I guess I kinda gave it away.

2088. - Yeah, you kinda did.

2089. - I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.

2090. - I call it nap time, which is right before food time,

2091. and then comes, food nap time.

2092. That is my favorite time of them all.

2093. - Mr. Caboose, I just want you to know

2094. that even though we are on different teams

2095. and we may never see each other again,

2096. whatever happens out there today,

2097. I'll always remember the moments we shared together.

2098. You are now and forever will be my friend.

2099. - Private Donut, that sounds like private biscuit.

2100. - Yeah, it does.

2101. - Do you think they'll show up?

2102. - Well, my gut says no, but then again,

2103. my gut's made of an advanced polymer,

2104. and it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about.

2105. Stupid gut.

2106. - Great Caesar's toast, looks like

2107. they brought out the heavy artillery.

2108. - That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

2109. - Ah, they're lining up in flanking formation,

2110. those Blue jackals.

2111. Keep your eyes peeled, fellas.

2112. This could get ugly.

2113. - Are you there, Church? Church, are you there, Church?

2114. - Hey man, I've been trying to get you

2115. on the radio for 10 minutes.

2116. What's goin' on?

2117. - Sorry, man, I'm still picking up

2118. the Reds transmissions from when

2119. we broadcast that Lopez song.

2120. There's a lotta chatter.

2121. - Well, are you at least getting any useful information?

2122. - Nah, it's just the same two guys

2123. bickering like an old married couple.

2124. I've only been listening for, like, five minutes,

2125. and I can already tell they're really in love.

2126. Why can't they see it?

2127. - All right, get ready to launch

2128. Operation Circle of Confusion.

2129. - Uh Church, it kinda looks more

2130. like a triangle from down here.

2131. - What?

2132. - I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle.

2133. It looks more like we're forming a triangle.

2134. Just a side note.

2135. - Okay, fine, Triangle of Confusion,

2136. Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares?

2137. Get the goddamn show on the road.

2138. - All right, all right, sorry.

2139. Initiating primary commencement phase.

2140. - What are they talkin' about?

2141. - Quiet, Commander Poppin Fresh.

2142. I think they're talking about

2143. your golden, flaky crust.

2144. - Hello everyone. We're here to surrender.

2145. At this time, we would like to ask

2146. for one representative/prisoner

2147. from each group to cross sides.

2148. - Hey! I think I see Lopez over there.

2149. - Yeah, it's time.

2150. - Tell 'em, Big Daddy.

2151. - Okay, get going, Pinky.

2152. - Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Buns.

2153. I will always remember your buttery goodness.

2154. - Who was that guy?

2155. - Look! They're releasing Donut.

2156. - Go on, Francis X, front and center.

2157. - Um Church, do you think maybe in hindsight,

2158. it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez

2159. around a bunch of robots?

2160. - Just stick to the plan, Tucker.

2161. Get the first robot over there.

2162. I'll draw Lopez's fire. Come on.

2163. - What the, it's a double cross.

2164. Donut, Frankie, hey. Get back here.

2165. - No, stay where you are. Do not go back.

2166. - Now the Blues are aiming at each other?

2167. What the hell's going on?

2168. - We've been out-maneuvered, men. Take cover.

2169. I'm callin' in an air strike.

2170. - What the hell is that noise?

2171. - Red Command, come in.

2172. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

2173. Do you read me?

2174. - Hello, hello, who's there? Come in.

2175. Is that you, Private Tucker? Hello.

2176. - Private who? No, V.I.C, this is Sarge

2177. from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

2178. - Oh, hey there, Sarge. Long time no see.

2179. Sorry about that.

2180. I, anyway, what can we do here for ya at Red Command today?

2181. - I'm up to mu haunches in hyenas here, V.I.C..

2182. I need an air strike and I need it on the pronto.

2183. - Can do, Sarge,

2184. I will send an air strike to target

2185. the blue forces now.

2186. Of course, I'll need you to fax in

2187. the air strike requisition form.

2188. - But, I can't!

2189. I had to use spare parts from our fax machine

2190. to build Simmons 2.0.

2191. - Whoa, excuse me.

2192. Man, it musta been something I ate.

2193. - Hey, Simmons?

2194. Why is there paper coming out of your ass?

2195. - What the hell, V.I.C.?

2196. How do you know the Red team?

2197. Why are you helping them against the Blues?

2198. What the fuck is going on here?

2199. - Private Tucker, you're on here too.

2200. Um, see I, you guys are, I gotta go, bad connection.

2201. - Wait! V.I.C.!

2202. Red Command, come in! I need you.

2203. - Well, that's not gonna be very good for business.

2204. - Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck.

2205. Get ready to open fire.

2206. Today is a good day to die.

2207. - Wait, I think today is actually

2208. a good day to retreat.

2209. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?

2210. - Yeah, let's all take dying

2211. as an open action item,

2212. and come back with suggestions next meeting.

2213. - No, it has to be today for our ancestors. Yeah!

2214. - Wait everyone! Stop fighting!

2215. It's all a lie! Let him through.

2216. Blue and Red's all the same.

2217. - Agagagaga...

2218. - Tucker, your radio has too much feedback. Shut it off.

2219. - Yeah!

2220. - This is fun.

2221. - Oh dammit!

2222. - Wait, Sarge. I can't hear what that guy's yelling.

2223. - Lock and load.

2224. - I love blood and violence.

2225. - Stop fighting! Stop fighting!

2226. - I've got a boner for murder.

2227. - What did you say, Blue?

2228. - Heugegerkagerk.

2229. - Kaboom!

2230. - I said there's no Red versus Blue.

2231. It's all a...

2232. Son of a bitch!

2233. - What the hell is that?

2234. - What the hell is that?

2235. - Oh my god. It's the cave devil.

2236. Run for your lives.

2237. - Oops, sorry about that big explosion.

2238. - Sorry, it wasn't bigger. (laughing)

2239. - Wait a minute. I'd know that laugh anywhere.

2240. That's O'Malley.

2241. - My bad. (laughing)

2242. - Come on, Robots. You're with me.

2243. - Sheila, (speaking in foreign language)

2244. - My pleasure.

2245. - Grif, if we're going to die,

2246. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends.

2247. God, my only hope is that I die before you,

2248. so that I don't live through the horror

2249. of losing a man on the battlefield.

2250. - Yeah, I hope you die first too, Sarge.

2251. - Tucker, Tucker, are you okay?

2252. - Church, the purple guy, he's—

2253. - Yeah, I know. It's O'Malley.

2254. He musta got in the medic somehow.

2255. - No, he's an asshole.

2256. - Lopez, no!

2257. - Church, how come Tucker gets to

2258. nap during battles and I don't?

2259. - Help! He took Lopez.

2260. - What? Where'd he go?

2261. - Here I am, you fools.

2262. - How'd he get up there so quick?

2263. - That guy's wicked fast.

2264. - Thanks, I lettered in track in high school.

2265. It was the least directly competitive sport I could find.

2266. - Track sucks.

2267. - You suck, and now, I make my escape

2268. with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again,

2269. unless I want to be seen, in which case,

2270. if I see you before you see me, look out.

2271. The universe will be mine! (laughing)

2272. - Lopez! No!

2273. - Move it, brown bot, into the abyss.

2274. - Everyone, hold your fire. We're comin' out.

2275. Truce. Time out.

2276. - Would someone explain what just happened here?

2277. That evil guy on the scooter shot one of our guys

2278. and then ran off with Lopez.

2279. - But, we need Lopez for very specific reasons

2280. that we don't have to explain to you.

2281. We have to get him back.

2282. - Yeah, and we need to get the evil guy back.

2283. He's the only one around here

2284. that can heal Tucker.

2285. - So now, we're forced to work together. How ironic.

2286. No, that's not ironic.

2287. Ironic would be if we had to

2288. work together to hurt each other.

2289. - No, ironic would be,

2290. instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez,

2291. Lopez kidnapped him.

2292. - I think it would be ironic

2293. if our guns didn't shoot bullets,

2294. but instead, squirted a healing salve

2295. that cured all wounds.

2296. - I think it would ironic

2297. if everyone was made of iron.

2298. - Okay, we all agree that while the current situation

2299. is not totally ironic,

2300. the fact that we now have to work together is odd

2301. in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances.

2302. Is everybody happy with that?

2303. - Yes.

2304. - And I just finished reprogramming our teleporter

2305. to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates.

2306. - We'll leave one member of each team

2307. so that no one can trick anyone

2308. and take over the canyon.

2309. Our man will be Donut.

2310. - We will leave Corporal Croissandwich.

2311. - Caboose, and we will leave Sheila.

2312. - Yeah, thanks, Guys because, you know,

2313. if this is a trick, I'm sure I can

2314. hold her off on my own.

2315. - All right, we're gonna do this one at a time then.

2316. You first, Sarge.

2317. - Today seems like a good day to teleport. Geronimo!

2318. - (indistinct)

2319. - Hm...

2320. - What's wrong?

2321. - I just had a really weird feeling

2322. that I'm never gonna see this place again.

2323. - And that's a bad thing?

2324. - Oh, I didn't say weird bad. I just said weird.

2325. - All right, it's Grif, right?

2326. You and me'll go through together. Ready?

2327. - After you.

2328. - Ha, I wonder if I shoulda told the guys

2329. that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage

2330. when I was in the cave.

2331. Oh well.

2332. Uh, hi.

2333. - Stop staring at my treads, buddy.

2334. - Geez, sorry.

2335. - All right, you sons o' bitches.

2336. I'm back, and I've got some...

2337. Hey, hey, where'd everybody go?

2338. Do I know you? Hey, you're the girl who killed me.

2339. - Uh-oh.

2340. - Prepare to surrender, dirt bag.

2341. - Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.

2342. - Not you, moron.

2343. Wait a minute. Where are we?

2344. - Guys? Oh guys?

2345. Where is everybody?

2346. - All right, now let's just find, where is everybody?

2347. - Whoa, where are we? What is this place?

2348. - Freeze! Drop your weapon!

2349. - Uh-oh.

2350. - I said freeze, dirt bag!

2351. - Ow! Aw come on.

2352. - Hey dude, hate to interrupt all the reading

2353. and listenin' to the rockin' music,

2354. but uh, movie's over, dude.

2355. That's pretty much it.

2356. Not much else gonna happen now.

2357. So just, you know, turn it off.

2358. Go enjoy the rest o' your day.

2359. Now is the time for all good children to cross over.

2360. Go into the light, Carol Ann.

2361. Thank you very much.