Red vs. Blue 1x5

1. - Hey.

2. - Yeah?

3. - You ever wonder why we're here?

4. - That's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?

5. Why are we here?

6. I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence

7. or is there really a God watching everything,

8. you know, with a plan for us and stuff?

9. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.

10. - What?

11. I meant why are we out here in this canyon?

12. - Oh, yeah.

13. - What's all the stuff about God?

14. - Nothing.

15. - You want to talk about it?

16. - No.

17. - You sure?

18. - Yeah.

19. - Seriously though, why are we out here?

20. As far as I can tell,

21. it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere.

22. No way in or out.

23. - Mm-hm.

24. - The only reason that we set up a red base here,

25. is because they have a blue base over there.

26. And the only reason they have a blue base over there,

27. is because we have a red base here.

28. - Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.

29. - No, no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today

30. and they were to come take our base,

31. they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.

32. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

33. - What's up with that anyway?

34. I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens.

35. The next thing I know, Master Chief's blowin' up

36. the whole covenant Armada

37. and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere

38. fighting a bunch of blue guys.

39. - What are they doing?

40. - What?

41. - I said, what are they doing now?

42. - God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question.

43. - You have a fucking rifle.

44. I can't see shit.

45. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here

46. and play with my dick.

47. - Okay look, they're just standing there and talking, okay?

48. That's all they're doing.

49. That's all they ever do is just stand there and talk.

50. That's what they were doing last week.

51. That's what they were doing

52. when you asked me five minutes ago.

53. So five minutes from now, when you ask me,

54. what are they doing?

55. My answer is gonna be, they're still just talking

56. and they're still just standing there.

57. - What are they talking about?

58. - You know what?

59. I fucking hate you.

60. - Talk about a waste of resources.

61. I mean, we should be out there finding

62. new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.

63. - Yeah, no shit.

64. That's why they should put us in charge.

65. - Men, front and center on the double.

66. - Fuck. - Yes, sir.

67. - Hurry up, ladies.

68. This ain't no ice cream social.

69. - Ice cream social?

70. - Stop the pillow talk, you two.

71. - Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

72. - Is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

73. - That's exactly it, private.

74. War's over, we won.

75. Turns out you're the big hero.

76. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor.

77. I get to drive the float

78. and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!

79. - I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

80. - God dammit, private.

81. Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat

82. while you're asleep.

83. - Oh, I'd do it too.

84. - I know you would, Simmons, good man.

85. Couple of things today, ladies,

86. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here

87. at Blood Gulch Outpost number one.

88. - Crap, we're getting a rookie.

89. - That's right, dead man.

90. Our new recruit will be here within the week.

91. But today we received the first part

92. of our shipment from command.

93. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

94. - Shotgun.

95. - Shotgun, fuck.

96. - May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle.

97. It has four inch armor plating, mad buffer suspension,

98. a mounted machine gunner position,

99. and total seating for three.

100. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV.

101. I like to call it the warthog.

102. - Why warthog sir?

103. - Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.

104. - No, but why warthog?

105. I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.

106. - Say that again?

107. - I think it looks more like a puma.

108. - What in Sam hell is a Puma?

109. - You mean like the shoe company?

110. - No, like a Puma.

111. It's a big cat, like a lion.

112. - You're making that up.

113. - I'm telling you, it's a real animal.

114. - Simmons I want you to poison Griff's next meal.

115. - Yes, sir.

116. - Look, see these two tow hooks?

117. They look like tusks,

118. and what kind of animal has tusks?

119. - A walrus.

120. - Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals.

121. - What is that thing?

122. - I don't know.

123. It looks like they got some kind of car down there.

124. We better get back to base and report it.

125. - A car?

126. How come they get a car?

127. - What are you complaining about, man?

128. We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

129. - You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

130. - Oh, you know what?

131. You could bitch about anything, couldn't you?

132. - We're gonna get a tank and you're worried about chicks.

133. What chicks are we gonna pick up man?

134. And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks

135. in a car that looks like that?

136. - What kind of car is it?

137. - I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before.

138. It looks like a, like a big cat of some kind.

139. - What, like a Puma?

140. - Yeah man, there you go.

141. - So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures

142. to suggest as a name for the new vehicle,

143. we're gonna stick with the Warthog.

144. How about it Griff?

145. - No, sir, no more suggestions.

146. - Are you sure?

147. - How 'bout bigfoot?

148. - It's okay.

149. - Unicorn?

150. - No really, I'm cool.

151. - Sasquatch.

152. - Leprechaun.

153. - Hey, he doesn't need any help man.

154. - Phoenix.

155. - (sighing) Christ.

156. - Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard,

157. eats all the goats?

158. - That would be the chupacabra, sir.

159. - Hey Griff, chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?

160. I like it.

161. Got a ring to it.

162. - Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

163. - Yes it is.

164. You said I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant,

165. and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod

166. headed for- - Excuse me, sirs.

167. - Sirs?

168. Ah crap.

169. - I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost number one

170. and speak to whoever's in charge.

171. - Sorry man, Sergeant's at the command getting orders.

172. Ain't nobody in charge today.

173. - Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

174. - You are such a kiss ass.

175. - Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should,

176. get in the warthog and crush your head like a tomato can.

177. - That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

178. - Okay, rookie, what's your story?

179. - Private Donut reporting for duty, sir.

180. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

181. - Couple of things here, rookie.

182. First off Private Donut?

183. I think somebody needs a new nickname.

184. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

185. - This is the standard issue red.

186. - Yeah, I know.

187. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issued armor,

188. officers and recruits.

189. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish,

190. you're probably not an officer.

191. Well he's wearing red armor.

192. - No, my armor is maroon.

193. Your armor is red.

194. - Well, how do I get a different color armor?

195. - I'll bet the blues don't have to put up

196. with this kind of crap.

197. - So I say to the guy,

198. how you gonna get the tank down to the planet?

199. And he goes, I'll just put it on the ship.

200. And I go, if you've got a ship that can carry a tank,

201. why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?

202. - Hey kid.

203. - Yeah?

204. - You're ruining the moment.

205. Shut up.

206. - Oh, okay.

207. You got it, man.

208. - Do you know what?

209. I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.

210. - Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

211. - I just refuse to call him Private Donut.

212. - We've got a very important mission for you.

213. Do you think you can handle it?

214. - Absolutely.

215. - We need you to go to the store and get two quarts

216. of elbow grease.

217. - Yeah, and pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

218. - The what?

219. - He means the warthog?

220. - You do know where the store is, right rookie?

221. - What, yeah, yeah, of course I do.

222. Sure, no problem.

223. - Well, get going then.

224. - Other way.

225. - I knew that, just got turned around, that's all.

226. - How long do you think until he figures out

227. there's no store?

228. - I say at least a week.

229. - Elbow grease, how stupid do they think I am?

230. Once I get back to the base with that headlight fluid,

231. I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

232. - You know what?

233. Forget what I said before.

234. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing.

235. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

236. - Oh man, listen to you.

237. What are you gonna do with two chicks?

238. - Church, women are like Voltron,

239. the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

240. - You think that we were too mean to the kid?

241. - Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliff

242. for a few hours.

243. What's the worst that can happen?

244. - Finally, there it is.

245. Oh, sweet, they sell tanks.

246. - Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret.

247. I've actually got a girl back home.

248. - Oh yeah, girlfriend or wife?

249. - No man, she's just my girl friend, you know.

250. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out,

251. and you know how it works?

252. - Well, are you gonna marry her when you get back?

253. - I'm not gonna get married.

254. My dad always said, why buy the cow

255. when you can get the milk for free?

256. - Hey rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

257. - No, I think he called her a slut.

258. - I'll tell you what noob,

259. I could sit out here and listen to you

260. insult my girlfriend all day long,

261. but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job

262. for you to do.

263. - Great.

264. - See, we've got this general.

265. - Right, the general guy.

266. - Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases.

267. So what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you

268. go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention

269. just in case he decides to come by.

270. - When is he coming by?

271. - We never know.

272. It could be today, could be a week from now.

273. - You want me to stand at attention for a week?

274. - You know, you don't sound very grateful.

275. This is the most important job at the whole base.

276. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

277. - What's so important about the flag?

278. - Oh come on,

279. don't they teach you guys anything in training?

280. - They didn't tell us anything about a flag.

281. Why is it so important?

282. - Because it's the flag, man,

283. you know, it's the flag.

284. Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

285. - Well, it's complicated.

286. It's blue, we're blue.

287. - It's just important, okay.

288. Trust us, so when the general comes by

289. the first thing he's gonna wanna do

290. is inspect the flag.

291. - Right.

292. - So just go in there, you know, far away from us

293. and wait for him.

294. - How will I know when I see him?

295. - There's only three of us out here, rookie.

296. - He's going to be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

297. - Now get in there and don't come out.

298. Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

299. - You mean he's dumber than you are.

300. - Wow, Tucker, that was a great comeback.

301. - Mr. Church, sir?

302. - Oh my God, what?

303. Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him.

304. - Sorry about calling your girl a slut.

305. - Rookie, shut up!

306. Just shut up, you're driving me crazy!

307. Get in there!

308. Tucker, are you laughing at me?

309. - Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

310. - Dear God in heaven rookie,

311. if I turn around and you are not inside,

312. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you.

313. - What did I do?

314. - One!

315. - Ah, give me a break.

316. - Two!

317. - Fine.

318. - Wow, you got here fast.

319. - Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?

320. - I'm not, sir.

321. What can I do for ya?

322. - Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

323. - Yes, sir, I assume you're here because of this.

324. - Wait, is this all you have?

325. - Yes sir, that's it.

326. - Oh man, this figures, shit.

327. What about elbow grease?

328. Headlight fluid?

329. - No, all we have is this flag.

330. - Well, I can't go back empty handed.

331. I guess I'll take that.

332. - Sure, that makes sense, I guess.

333. - Man, they're gonna give me so much shit

334. for coming back with just this stupid flag.

335. - Well enough gabbing out of us.

336. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin.

337. Go ahead and hop in Tucker.

338. - Me, I can't drive that thing.

339. - You're telling me you're not armor certified?

340. - I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle.

341. Don't you know how to drive that?

342. - No!

343. Holy crap, who is running this army?

344. - Hey, just wanted to let you know the general stopped by

345. and picked up the flag.

346. - Yeah, okay, whatever moron.

347. Why would they give us a tank if nobody here

348. knows how to drive the damn thing?

349. Wait a second, what did he just say?

350. Let me get this straight,

351. you gave this guy our flag.

352. - Is that bad?

353. - Bad, oh no that's not bad.

354. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him

355. blow up the whole god damn base.

356. - There, there he is.

357. - Where?

358. Oh yeah, oh I got him.

359. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

360. - He must be one smart son of a bitch.

361. - Ah man, I am so freaking lost.

362. Where the hell is the base?

363. - Oh shit.

364. Hey Tucker, look at his armor, it's red.

365. - Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant.

366. - Well, that makes sense.

367. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

368. - You know he came in the back door

369. where you guys were standing.

370. - Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

371. - Roger that.

372. Okay.

373. Say good night Sarge.

374. - Son of a bitch.

375. - Ah crap.

376. What?

377. - You're really not very good with that thing are you?

378. - Hey, it's me.

379. Don't shoot, I'm the guy that bought the flag remember?

380. - Oh great, now he's taunting us.

381. That's just embarrassing.

382. - All right, that's it, I've had it.

383. Rookie, you stay here.

384. Me and Tucker will head to the teleporter,

385. we'll cut him off at the pass.

386. - Right.

387. - Tucker, you ready?

388. Let's go.

389. - There is no way I'm going through that thing.

390. - Tucker, we don't have time for this.

391. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

392. - I don't know.

393. Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

394. We already tested the teleporter, remember?

395. - We threw rocks through it.

396. - Yeah, and so what?

397. - The rocks came out the other side didn't they?

398. - Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

399. - Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then.

400. You're afraid of a little black stuff.

401. - Yes I am.

402. I am afraid of black stuff.

403. - Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya.

404. - You wouldn't.

405. - You know, I look at it this way.

406. Either A, we go through there and get the flag back

407. or B, we stay here and I get to kill you.

408. Either way I win.

409. - For the record, I want you to know rocks aren't people.

410. - Duly noted, now get in there.

411. - Crap.

412. All right.

413. One, two.

414. - Huh, he didn't come out the other side.

415. - Yeah, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

416. Okay rookie, you stay here.

417. I'll be back with the flag.

418. - I still have no idea what you're talking about.

419. I didn't hear any shots.

420. - I'm telling you it was four shots like bam, bam, bam.

421. - Wait a second, that's only three bams.

422. - Bam.

423. Wait a second.

424. We got a blue guy on the move out there.

425. - Where's he headed?

426. - Oh, crap.

427. It's Donut, and he's got something.

428. It looks like—

429. Simmons, get the warthog.

430. - You mean the puma?

431. - Freeze!

432. - Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me?

433. You could have hit me dick.

434. - Can it.

435. Don't try to play stupid with me Sarge.

436. I know who you are.

437. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

438. - I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant.

439. I'm a private.

440. - Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant.

441. - Yeah, that's what I just said.

442. - Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

443. - Steal, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

444. - Free!

445. - Geezus!

446. - Holy shit, who is this guy?

447. - What in the hell?

448. Tucker is that you?

449. - How did you get up here ahead of me?

450. - And what's with that black shit on your armor?

451. - Hey, freeze Sarge.

452. - Will you stop calling me a Sergeant?

453. I'm still just a private.

454. - The Sarge is still a private?

455. Oh my God, the teleporter sent me back in time.

456. - Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

457. - I'll take gunner.

458. Let's roll.

459. - How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

460. - Don't worry Lopez,

461. I'll bring her back in one piece.

462. - Look, I know you don't know me,

463. but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you.

464. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch

465. and we meet.

466. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant

467. of the red army and we spy on them

468. and they get this new jeep, and I'm all like,

469. there is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank.

470. - Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

471. - I know all this sounds crazy,

472. but he eventually becomes a Sergeant,

473. and then one day we get a tank and he comes

474. and steals our flag while were distracted.

475. - Is this guy a retard?

476. - Red, shut up.

477. Tucker, listen to me.

478. You haven't gone back in time, okay?

479. This is the guy that stole the flag.

480. He's just not the Sergeant.

481. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie

482. who happens to have the same color armor as him.

483. He got in somehow, just for god's sake

484. what is that music?

485. - Woo hoo!

486. - Son of a bitch! - Holy shit!

487. - Run, Jesus, run!

488. - The jeep followed me back in time.

489. - What the hell is going on here?

490. - You know what?

491. I honestly have no idea what's going on.

492. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

493. - How did you get the flag?

494. - I don't know, I just asked for it.

495. - Wait, that worked?

496. - I guess, is it not supposed to?

497. - I don't know, we never even thought to try that.

498. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

499. - Not until someone tells me what the fuck is—

500. - There's no time to explain rookie.

501. Just take the flag and go to base.

502. I'll explain everything there.

503. - Fine.

504. - Back to our base dumb ass.

505. - I know, I just got turned around, that's all.

506. - Oh man, that's not good.

507. Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun.

508. Stay here, tank.

509. Stay here, tank.

510. Screw it.

511. - Well, we'll just wait here.

512. That things gotta run out of bullets sometime.

513. My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

514. - You know, in hindsight we should have brought the tank.

515. - Hey Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us

516. if nobody here knows how to drive it?

517. - Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock

518. is a much better strategy.

519. - Well, yeah but—

520. Oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

521. - Hello and thank you for activating the M808V

522. main battle tank.

523. You may call me Sheila.

524. - Hello, Sheila, big tank lady.

525. - Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

526. - Oh, that'd be very nice, thank you.

527. - Tutorial program activated.

528. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel

529. in the use of this scorpion class tank.

530. Let's begin with some driving.

531. - Okay.

532. - Simmons, Simmons!

533. Man that thing is loud.

534. - What?

535. - Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock

536. and get 'em out.

537. - Okay!

538. - Keep it down, Jesus.

539. Let's go before they figure out what's going on.

540. - Now that you've mastered driving the M808V,

541. let's move on to some of the safety features.

542. - No, no, wait, go back.

543. Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

544. - Hey, they stopped firing.

545. - Why are you whispering?

546. - I don't know.

547. - Ah crap, I don't think we're gonna be able

548. to get around this way.

549. - Tell me again, why did we get out of the jeep?

550. - Well, I guess it was this or sit there

551. and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

552. - Well, at least that was fun.

553. - Holy crap.

554. What in God's name is that thing?

555. - Tucker, don't be stupid.

556. They're just trying to draw us out.

557. - No, they're not.

558. Look, they left the jeep, they're gone.

559. - Well, I don't know about this.

560. - It seems pretty fishy, but all right screw it,

561. let's go get it.

562. - Dude, hold still.

563. I don't think it sees us.

564. Why is it just sitting there?

565. - Just trying to mess with our head.

566. Let's get back to the warthog.

567. - This tank is equipped with an auto fire sequence

568. that can be activated by pressing the auto fire button.

569. This will end the tutorial. - Auto fire, here,

570. here, no wait.

571. Okay that's more than just pushing the button.

572. - Okay, you ready?

573. Let's do this on three.

574. One.

575. - Wait on three, or three and then go?

576. - On three, it's always faster to go on three.

577. - Okay, okay, on three.

578. - Here!

579. - Tutorial de-activated.

580. Auto fire sequence activated.

581. - Ready.

582. - Acquiring targets.

583. - I'm going for the jeep, cover me.

584. - One.

585. - Target acquired.

586. - Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

587. - Two.

588. - Target locked.

589. - Three.

590. Oh you backstabbing cock bite.

591. - Firing main canon.

592. - Son of a bitch.

593. - Son of a bitch!

594. - Son of a bitch!

595. - Firing main canon.

596. Firing main canon.

597. - Dammit! (canon firing)

598. - Firing main canon.

599. - Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

600. - No kidding.

601. Thanks for the update, Tucker.

602. - Hey, I have a great idea. (canon firing)

603. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around

604. the side of the rocks.

605. Great plan you idiot!

606. - All targets eliminated.

607. Acquiring new targets.

608. - Hey Tucker, look at this man.

609. It's the rookie, and he brought the tank out

610. to scare off the reds.

611. - What, no way.

612. - Hey rookie, good job man!

613. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

614. - New target acquired.

615. - That's not a target, that's Church.

616. - Yeah, that's right, it's me Church!

617. What's going on, man?

618. - Target locked.

619. - What, no.

620. Target unlock, unlock!

621. Please help me nice lady.

622. - Firing main canon.

623. - Uh oh.

624. - Uh oh.

625. - What?

626. Oh son of a bitch. (canon firing)

627. - Holy fuck, Church are you okay?

628. Talk to me, Church.

629. You shot Church you team killing fuck-tard.

630. - Auto fire sequence de-activated.

631. - Tucker, Tucker.

632. - Church, it's going to be okay, man.

633. - No, I'm not gonna make it.

634. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.

635. - What is it?

636. I just want you to know, I always hated you.

637. I always hated you the most.

638. - Yeah, I know you did.

639. Now hurry up and die you prick.

640. - Okay (spluttering).

641. - What happened?

642. - Idiot, tank, shoot, whoo.

643. - Damn man, we only ran like 300 feet.

644. You are really out of shape.

645. - Fuck you.

646. - Where's your car?

647. - General Patton here had a great strategy

648. to leave it behind.

649. - Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

650. - You lost the jeep?

651. Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed.

652. Where is it?

653. - What the hell.

654. Son of a bitch! - Oh crap.

655. What the hell was that thing?

656. - That's the tank.

657. - Hey Griff, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

658. - No, keep that away from me.

659. - Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

660. - Because it's locked on.

661. - Target locked.

662. - Well unlock it.

663. - Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church.

664. - Oh right.

665. Keep shooting the jeep then.

666. - I hate to be the one to point this out guys,

667. but I think we're screwed.

668. - Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

669. - Blood Gulch Outpost number one,

670. come in Blood Gulch Outpost, come in.

671. Do you read me?

672. This is Sergeant—

673. - Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?

674. - Roger that private, I am currently inbound

675. to your position from command.

676. - Sir this is Simmons.

677. - Hello Simmons,

678. I hope everything's gone all right while I've been gone.

679. - Actually Sir, things are kind of hectic right now.

680. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed

681. to infiltrate the blue base and now we have their flag,

682. the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead,

683. and there's a huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

684. - Am I talking to the right base?

685. - Sarge, we are going to die here.

686. - Well then hold tight boys.

687. I think I got a solution to your little tank problem.

688. - Uh oh.

689. Hey caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank,

690. like right now.

691. - I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

692. - Night vision engaged.

693. - Rookie, get out now.

694. - Okay, open the door, okay.

695. Sheila will you please open the door?

696. - Driver canopy open.

697. Thank you for using the M808V main battle tank.

698. - Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

699. Running, running, running.

700. Man, that was close.

701. - Look at your tank though.

702. - I'm scared Dave.

703. Will I dream?

704. Davie.

705. Davie.

706. - Sheila no!

707. - No, Sheila, Sheila.

708. Wait, who's Sheila?

709. - Sheila's the lady in the tank.

710. She was my friend.

711. - Oh dude, I knew you could pick up chicks in the tank.

712. Come in Blue Command, this is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha,

713. do you read me?

714. - Okay that is the last of it.

715. Your armor is clean now.

716. - Did you get all the black stuff off?

717. - This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

718. - Hello, Command, we need help.

719. - Roger that Blood Gulch, what is your request?

720. - I don't know what the technical military term is for it,

721. but we're pretty fucked up down here.

722. We need men.

723. - Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

724. - No, no, no, no, not like that.

725. We need more men to help us.

726. - Roger that.

727. Did you get the tank we sent?

728. - Yeah, that got blown up too.

729. - Wow, sucks to be you.

730. - Yeah we know.

731. - Okay, here's what I can do.

732. The nearest blue forces can be there in 16 days or I—

733. - 16 days?

734. That's almost two weeks.

735. - Or I can hire a nearby freelancer

736. and get him there within a few hours.

737. - I like the in an hour one.

738. - Yeah, me too.

739. Roger that Command, we prefer that quicker solution.

740. - 10 four Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex

741. and have him there post haste.

742. Command out.

743. - Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

744. - What's a freelancer?

745. - Freelancers are independent, they're not red or blue.

746. They're just guns for hire who will fight

747. for whoever has the most money.

748. - Like a mercenary.

749. - Right, or like your mom when the rent's due.

750. - Oh, that's funny.

751. - Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?

752. - No, no, no at all, that was good.

753. - Tucker.

754. Tucker.

755. - Who the hell are you?

756. - I am the ghost of Church

757. and I've come back with a warning.

758. - You're not Church.

759. Church is blue.

760. You're white.

761. - Rookie, shut up man.

762. I'm a freaking ghost.

763. Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

764. - Yeah, it's definitely him.

765. - Now I gotta start over again.

766. Tucker, Tucker.

767. I've come back with a warning.

768. - Is it really necessary to do the voice?

769. - Yeah, it's kind of annoying.

770. - Fine, okay here's the deal.

771. I've come back from the dead

772. to give you a warning about Tex.

773. Don't let— - What's the warning?

774. - Shut up for one second and I'll tell you.

775. - Oh sorry.

776. - Seriously man, I mean I'm coming back

777. from the great beyond here, do you think this is easy?

778. It's not.

779. It's not like just pop in and out whenever I feel like it.

780. It takes a lot of concentration.

781. - Sorry.

782. - I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with,

783. but now I come back and I can't even

784. get a word in edgewise, man.

785. Okay, here's the deal.

786. - Is this the warning?

787. - All right that's it.

788. I swear to God Caboose, your ass is haunted.

789. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

790. - Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

791. - Okay, Tucker you remember that I told you

792. I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me

793. here to Blood Gulch, right?

794. - No. - Sidewinder,

795. isn't that the ice planet.

796. - Yes.

797. - Cool, what was that like?

798. - It was cold.

799. - That's it, just cold?

800. - What do you want from me?

801. A poem.

802. It's a planet made entirely out of ice.

803. It's really fucking cold.

804. - Would you just let him talk?

805. - All right, well, one day when I was there,

806. everything was just like normal.

807. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy.

808. That Jimmy was a real good kid.

809. Everybody liked him.

810. - Do you think I was a good kid, Church?

811. - Tucker, don't get jealous, man.

812. Just listen to the story, okay.

813. Like I said, guys were hanging around

814. waiting for some action, bitching about the cold.

815. - Man it's fucking cold.

816. I hope we get some action.

817. - Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me

818. all about his girlfriend he had back home.

819. - Yep, as soon as I get back I'm gonna get down on one knee

820. and ask her to marry me.

821. - And that's when Tex showed up.

822. Private Mickey was the first to go.

823. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden

824. he just started screaming bloody murder.

825. - Bloody murder, bloody murder!

826. - The whole thing was over before it even started.

827. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go.

828. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull

829. right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

830. - Wait a second.

831. How do you beat someone to death with their own skull?

832. That doesn't seem physically possible.

833. - That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

834. - This doesn't seem physically possible!

835. - Bottom line is these freelancers,

836. they're bad news and Tex is one of the worst.

837. - If he's such a bad ass, why didn't he kill you?

838. - To this day I don't know why I'm not dead.

839. He coulda killed me at any point,

840. but maybe it's because Tex and I

841. had run into each other once before.

842. - Where?

843. - You remember that girl I told you about back home?

844. Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason

845. why we never got married.

846. Guys I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back.

847. Just listen to my warning.

848. Don't let Tex get involved here.

849. - Okay.

850. - I mean it Tucker, no fighting, no scouting, nothing.

851. You'll regret it.

852. - So Tex and Church were after the same girl.

853. - I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

854. - And then I thought, you know,

855. we could sneak around the side

856. while they were hiding behind the rock,

857. but well that's when the tank showed up

858. and shit just started blowing up.

859. I don't know.

860. - Griff, do you have any godly idea

861. how much this piece of equipment costs?

862. - I don't know, like what 10, 10, 20, 25 bucks maybe?

863. You're gonna kill me now aren't you?

864. - Tell you what, Griff.

865. I'm a fair man.

866. I'll give you a 10 second head start here

867. before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

868. - Guys, I just want you to know

869. I'm really, really sorry here.

870. - Five Mississippi, six Mississippi.

871. - Okay, I guess I better get going then.

872. Hey guys that's not funny.

873. Somebody could get hurt here.

874. - That's basically it, sir.

875. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

876. - And your flag.

877. - Right that too.

878. Hey, Tex, I don't know what it's been like

879. at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers

880. as target practice here.

881. - I'm scared.

882. - So you've got the special forces black armor I see.

883. Were you in the special forces at some point?

884. Yeah, I used to have black armor too.

885. It was black because I got this stuff all over it

886. from the, oh, okay.

887. You gotta go?

888. I'll see you later.

889. - I don't think he likes you.

890. - Thanks.

891. Where are you going?

892. - Red base, kill everybody, get the flag back.

893. - Oh, okay.

894. We'll just stay here and guard the transporter.

895. - So Sarge thought my strategy had merit,

896. but was poorly executed,

897. probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

898. - Bullshit, he told me he thought you were a retarded monkey

899. and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.

900. - Hey, since I captured the flag,

901. you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

902. - What do you mean captured?

903. You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

904. - Still, you think there's a shot?

905. - Maybe they'll give you Griff's armor

906. since he destroyed the warthog.

907. - Yeah, wait, you don't think they'd do that do you?

908. - Try connecting that hose to that metal thingy there.

909. I think that's what's making that rattle.

910. I think I'll let you do it.

911. What the, what was that?

912. - Simmons, what's going on?

913. What's over there?

914. - I thought I saw something for a second.

915. - Hey rookie, tuck the flag someplace safe

916. until we can figure out what's going on.

917. - Good idea.

918. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway.

919. - Did you hear that?

920. - Yeah.

921. - Hey, what's going on?

922. - What the fuck?

923. - What?

924. - What is that thing?

925. - What thing?

926. - There's something on your head.

927. - What, is it a spider?

928. Get it off.

929. - No, it's not a spider.

930. It's like a blue thing.

931. - What, like a blue spider?

932. Get it off.

933. - It's not a spider, calm down.

934. It's some kind of fuzzy pulsating thing.

935. - That doesn't sound much better than a spider.

936. - Does it hurt?

937. - No.

938. - Maybe we should try to take it off.

939. - Good idea, go for it.

940. - Me, by we I meant you ass hole.

941. - Well, somebody needs to get it off.

942. Look, it might be dangerous.

943. - Son of a bitch!

944. - Where'd he go?

945. - Don't kill me.

946. I'm too good looking to die.

947. - Man, he is really kicking their asses.

948. - How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

949. - I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

950. - Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

951. - Yeah.

952. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

953. - It definitely seems like your killing Church

954. is starting to work out for us.

955. - You know, you think so?

956. - You know, I was going to say something, but

957. well you know, that's not—

958. - Did Tex get in the base?

959. - Yeah.

960. - Blue team flag returned.

961. - What the, who said that?

962. - Sorry, that was me.

963. I guess I had something stuck in my throat.

964. Your flag is back by the way.

965. - Hey it's Church.

966. - Yeah, it's me.

967. Hey Caboose.

968. - Hey Church, what are you up to?

969. - Caboose, I'm not really here to make small talk, okay.

970. How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

971. - What?

972. Oh, that flag, we've always had that.

973. - Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?

974. - Hey, wait a second.

975. Where's Tex?

976. - I'm not really sure.

977. He said he was gonna go to the store.

978. Something about elbow grease.

979. - Oh great.

980. This is so typical.

981. What was the one thing I told you guys

982. the last time I appeared?

983. - That Sidewinder is cold?

984. - What was the other one thing I told you?

985. - Not to let him get involved.

986. - Right, and what did you do?

987. - We let him get involved.

988. - And not just a little involved, how involved?

989. - Very, very involved.

990. - Freeze.

991. Drop your weapon.

992. - Hey buddy.

993. - What?

994. - You really better hope the first one knocks me out?

995. - Ow, what the?

996. My freaking head, Jesus.

997. - He's hurt Griff.

998. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

999. - Yeah, yeah, hold on a second.

1000. What happened here?

1001. First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted,

1002. and then some black thing showed up and—

1003. - Whoa whoa whoa, wait.

1004. I did not faint.

1005. Something knocked me out.

1006. - Okay, fine, keep lying to yourself.

1007. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

1008. - Man, just go find Sarge.

1009. We need to get Donut outta here.

1010. - Yeah, sure.

1011. Oh, and I'm fine by the way.

1012. Thanks for asking.

1013. - Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

1014. - Yup, he's definitely captured.

1015. Or dead.

1016. Captured or dead.

1017. Or captured and dead.

1018. - Oh well that's just perfect.

1019. - What, what is your problem?

1020. Why do you even care if he's captured?

1021. I thought you hated that guy anyway

1022. for stealing your girlfriend.

1023. - I never said I hated Tex.

1024. I just said that she was the reason

1025. why we never got married.

1026. - She?

1027. - Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

1028. - Could you put that in a memo and entitle it

1029. shit I already know.

1030. Get on the horn with Command.

1031. Well look who's up.

1032. Rise and shine buttercup.

1033. - Oh great.

1034. You broke my voice filter.

1035. You cock biting fuck-tards.

1036. - Ah ha, I knew it!

1037. Only a chick could give me a headache this big.

1038. - Let me get this straight.

1039. You're telling me that the guy that showed up here,

1040. scared the living shit out of us,

1041. shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the reds

1042. wasn't a guy at all?

1043. That he was a chick?

1044. And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

1045. - In a nutshell, yes, that's an excellent summary.

1046. - I should have known.

1047. She didn't like me.

1048. Girls never like me.

1049. - Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

1050. - I like me.

1051. - I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before.

1052. Are you sure she's a chick and not a guy,

1053. or like part guy part shark?

1054. - I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy.

1055. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.

1056. - Wait, wait, wait.

1057. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?

1058. - Because she's from Texas.

1059. Trust me, it makes sense.

1060. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive.

1061. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

1062. - Right, you should blame God.

1063. First he makes hangovers and now half women half sharks

1064. that won't even sleep with me.

1065. Thanks for nothing God.

1066. - Will you shut up with that.

1067. She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental

1068. program back during basic where they infused her armor

1069. with this really aggressive AI.

1070. I'm not really sure how it all works,

1071. but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

1072. - AI, what's the A stand for?

1073. - Artificial.

1074. - What's the I?

1075. - Intelligence.

1076. - Oh, what was the A again?

1077. - Let's move on.

1078. - So the military put this program in her head

1079. and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all

1080. she's really just a sweet down-home girl?

1081. - Oh hell no.

1082. She's always been a rotten bitch.

1083. It's just now she's a rotten bitch

1084. with cybernetic enhancements.

1085. - Wow, sounds like you really won the lottery with that one.

1086. Good catch there buddy.

1087. She's a keeper.

1088. - So how are you doing Caboose?

1089. Are you following any of this whatsoever?

1090. - I think so.

1091. - That guy Tex is really a robot and you're his boyfriend,

1092. so that makes you a gay robot.

1093. - Yeah, that's right.

1094. I'm a gay robot.

1095. - So you're a girl, huh?

1096. - Just ignore him, that's what I do.

1097. - Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

1098. - Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

1099. - Yeah right, what are you gonna do punch me?

1100. (screaming) Not in the face.

1101. - Well don't worry because I have a great plan

1102. for how we're gonna rescue Tex.

1103. - A plan, oh man I hate plans.

1104. That means we're gonna have to do stuff.

1105. Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?

1106. - I just need you guys to run a distraction

1107. while I spring Tex.

1108. - Distraction, that sounds a lot like decoy.

1109. - The way I see it, the reds have absolutely no idea

1110. how many freelancers we have out here,

1111. so all I need from the two of you is to run around

1112. in the middle of the canyon wearing black armor

1113. while I sneak in the back of the base.

1114. - Sounds good, but Church, where the hell are we gonna get

1115. two suits of black armor?

1116. Oh fuck berries.

1117. - Are you okay Tucker?

1118. - Yeah, I'm fine.

1119. Come on Caboose.

1120. - Does it hurt?

1121. - No, not at all.

1122. - Okay, here I come.

1123. - Does it hurt for real?

1124. - Oh yeah, big time.

1125. - Ow, geez.

1126. You lied to me.

1127. - Ah dammit, Lopez, come here.

1128. Do you see something out there?

1129. - There's no I in it.

1130. It's pronounced both.

1131. - That's what I'm saying, both.

1132. - Both.

1133. - You sound like such an ass the way you say it.

1134. - Griff, quit your yammering and get your keister up here.

1135. Need some help.

1136. Got some more of them Special Ops fellas

1137. headed toward the base.

1138. - As in more than one?

1139. Maybe we should both go, sir.

1140. - Both.

1141. - Seriously, man, like an ass.

1142. - Well well, another brilliant idea from the think tank.

1143. Why don't you both come up,

1144. leave the prisoner alone.

1145. We can just put her on the honor system.

1146. Have her guard herself.

1147. - Good point, sir.

1148. - You're god damn right it is!

1149. Now get your ass up here.

1150. We've got just enough time

1151. for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back.

1152. By bullseye I of course mean camouflage.

1153. Now move it cupcake.

1154. - Yeah, I'll be right up.

1155. - Hey Tucker, come in man.

1156. You there?

1157. This is Church, it's working.

1158. The orange one is coming out of the base.

1159. I repeat the orange one is coming out of the base.

1160. - Roger that.

1161. Oh, oh, oh Tucker, Tucker, Tucker.

1162. Is that, is that Church?

1163. Tell him that I said - Okay,

1164. keep moving on to the left side of the base

1165. to draw their attention. - For me to say hi.

1166. - Wait, wait, wait, what?

1167. I missed that.

1168. Caboose was talking to me.

1169. Shut up, man, I'm on the radio.

1170. - I said, just keep moving—

1171. - I'm not yelling.

1172. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church.

1173. No, I'll tell him you said hi later.

1174. No you can't talk to him.

1175. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

1176. - Oh my God.

1177. I can't believe I actually died for this war.

1178. - I don't see any.

1179. Uh oh yep, there's one.

1180. Why is he just standing there?

1181. - Caboose, get behind the rock.

1182. They can still see you.

1183. - They can't see me.

1184. I can't see them.

1185. - That's because you're facing the rock.

1186. - Oh, right.

1187. - Real smooth dip shit.

1188. - They're definitely Special Ops.

1189. - I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated

1190. since my days on (spluttering).

1191. - Sir, are you okay?

1192. - Who are you talking to red, me?

1193. - No, I'm talking to Lopez, because you know,

1194. that's real rewarding.

1195. - Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

1196. - I'm fine.

1197. I'm just so mad about these god damn blues out here.

1198. I'm so god damn mad I could spit.

1199. - Sir, did you spit inside your own helmet?

1200. - Yeah, I guess I did.

1201. - Permission to speak freely, sir?

1202. - Go ahead.

1203. - That's really fucking gross.

1204. - Hey Tucker.

1205. - What?

1206. - I'm having a really good time

1207. with you. - That's great, Caboose.

1208. - Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.

1209. - Would you please go hide behind another rock?

1210. - Hey man, what's up yo?

1211. - Hey, what's going on out there, sir?

1212. - Nothing, why would you ask if something's wrong?

1213. - I think that's a perfectly normal question

1214. in a time of war.

1215. - Yeah, well, I don't know.

1216. You're starting to act kind of suspicious there

1217. other red guy.

1218. So I'm keep my eye on you.

1219. - Sarge I'm starting to think that, ow gee,

1220. the back of my head.

1221. - What the hell are you doing?

1222. - Tex, it's me Church.

1223. I've come to rescue you.

1224. - You're kind of short to be Church.

1225. - What?

1226. Oh yeah, right the armor.

1227. - What in Sam hell?

1228. Where the, who spit on my visor?

1229. - Tex, there's not much time to explain,

1230. so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay.

1231. I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world.

1232. I possessed this red guy so that I could sneak into the base

1233. and rescue you while the rest of our guys

1234. run around out in the middle of the canyon,

1235. dressed in black armor that they got

1236. from going through the teleporter.

1237. - Okay.

1238. - What, that's it, okay?

1239. You're not surprised by any of this?

1240. - No, it pretty much all makes sense.

1241. - Not even the whole Church is a ghost thing?

1242. That didn't do anything for ya?

1243. - I can see right through you.

1244. It's pretty obvious.

1245. - Okay, well let me hop back in this guy

1246. and we'll get out of here.

1247. - What are you doing?

1248. - One of the reds has Tex.

1249. I'm going to shoot him and kill him and free Tex,

1250. then Church will forgive me for killing him,

1251. and we will be friends.

1252. - Oh, come on.

1253. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?

1254. - Oh, we're gonna be best friends.

1255. - All right, I'll make one more distraction,

1256. then you run up to the teleporter and escape.

1257. Ready, one, two, three. (gun firing)

1258. What the, where did my body go?

1259. Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

1260. - Tucker did it.

1261. - Hello.

1262. Hello.

1263. I said hello.

1264. Hello is anybody out here?

1265. - Holy cow, could you stop yelling.

1266. I'm here.

1267. - What is this place?

1268. - Well, it's kinda hard to explain.

1269. You were shot in the head buddy, so here you are.

1270. - Am I dead?

1271. - Are you dead?

1272. Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.

1273. - Are you some kind of angel?

1274. - (laughing) am I an angel.

1275. Yeah, actually I am.

1276. I'm an angel.

1277. Do you wanna go to Heaven,

1278. 'cause it's like 10 bucks to get in.

1279. - I didn't really bring any.

1280. I mean my wallet's back in the car.

1281. - Yeah you don't have it there, huh?

1282. Well, that's too bad.

1283. Pretty crappy reason to be dammed to hell for an eternity.

1284. - I don't remember dying.

1285. - Yeah, that's my fault too.

1286. I was sort of possessing your body at the time

1287. that you were shot.

1288. Sorry about that.

1289. - Hold on a second, that aint fair.

1290. - Not fair?

1291. Yeah, join the fricking club.

1292. I got shot by my own tank.

1293. - Target locked.

1294. - Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila, shut up.

1295. You know I still haven't forgiven you.

1296. I didn't say you could talk to me yet.

1297. Go over there.

1298. Go over to the base.

1299. Shoo shoo.

1300. - Sarge, don't you give up on me, soldier.

1301. You hear me?

1302. I'm ordering you!

1303. - Who is that?

1304. Who's there?

1305. - Looks like your guys are trying to save you.

1306. - You gotta believe man!

1307. You gotta pull through!

1308. Come on Sarge!

1309. - That is not the way you were trained to do that, private.

1310. - He can't hear you.

1311. - Griff, this isn't working.

1312. We have to try something else.

1313. - If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.

1314. - Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.

1315. - I'm leaving.

1316. - I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.

1317. - Why wouldn't they?

1318. I mean my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?

1319. - I thought they didn't like me.

1320. - Aw don't sell yourself short.

1321. I don't even know you and here I am

1322. about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.

1323. - Hold on, if you're an angel how come

1324. you ain't got no wings?

1325. - Because nobody rang a bell (chuckling).

1326. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?

1327. - Oh, I feel the worst about Griff.

1328. I always make fun of him.

1329. I never even told him he was my son.

1330. - No way, the orange guy is your son?

1331. - Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time,

1332. but now I'll never get that chance.

1333. - He's breathing, I saved Sarge!

1334. - I'm what?

1335. - He's what?

1336. - Well, I'll be a monkeys.

1337. They saved me.

1338. - What?

1339. No come back.

1340. We need to even the sides!

1341. - Thanks for your help wingless angel fella.

1342. Will I remember any of this?

1343. - Yes, but only if you give me $2.

1344. - What, what happened here?

1345. - Sir, you got shot in the head,

1346. so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.

1347. - I always believed in you Simmons.

1348. - Actually, it's Griff you should thank, sir.

1349. He did all the work.

1350. - Griff?

1351. - Yes, sir.

1352. - Griff, why in hell would you give somebody CPR

1353. for a bullet wound in the head?

1354. That doesn't make a lick of sense.

1355. - You're welcome, sir.

1356. - I mean, it's also damn inconsistent.

1357. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe?

1358. Rub my neck with Aloe vera?

1359. - Dude this is sweet.

1360. Command was so happy that I got the blue flag,

1361. they gave me my own color armor.

1362. - Hey Donut.

1363. - What?

1364. - About your armor.

1365. - What about it?

1366. - How do I put this?

1367. Your armor is, it's a little,

1368. Griff you wanna help me out here?

1369. - It's pink.

1370. Your armor is fricking pink.

1371. - Yeah that's it.

1372. Pink.

1373. - Pink, my armor's not pink.

1374. - Pink.

1375. - Yeah, definitely pink.

1376. - You guys are colorblind.

1377. Why would they give me pink armor?

1378. - Hey, don't ask, don't tell.

1379. - That's not funny.

1380. - It's a little funny.

1381. - Look at it, it's not pink.

1382. It's like a lightish red.

1383. - Guess what?

1384. They already have a color for lightish red.

1385. You know what it's called, pink.

1386. - I hate you guys.

1387. - Well hello dirt bags.

1388. And a fine hello to you Madam.

1389. - It's light red.

1390. - Don't get your panties in a wad there Barbie.

1391. Do ya have a package for me?

1392. - Yes, sir.

1393. - Excellent.

1394. - They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.

1395. - Speech unit.

1396. - Here you go.

1397. - Affirmative, Command was fresh out of speech modules

1398. when I started building Lopez,

1399. but once I get this baby installed,

1400. I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to.

1401. No offense Simmons.

1402. - Oh don't worry, I knew who you meant, sir.

1403. - Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

1404. - Of course he is.

1405. You didn't notice that he never talks?

1406. - I just thought he was a really quiet guy.

1407. - And the fact that he sleeps standing up

1408. and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

1409. - Well, I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd.

1410. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

1411. - Hey sir, you really should ground yourself

1412. before handling that card.

1413. - How come?

1414. - Because static could damage the card.

1415. - Come on, that's an urban legend they use

1416. to sell those stupid bracelets.

1417. And I suppose pop rocks in soda's

1418. gonna make my stomach blow up.

1419. Ow!

1420. - Sir., I won't say I told you so sir.

1421. - Good.

1422. I'd hate to make strawberry shortcake here

1423. my new favorite private.

1424. - It's not pink!

1425. It's lightish red!

1426. - Man this stuff does not come off easy.

1427. - Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning

1428. just my armor.

1429. - Yeah, I know, that's I think because, you know,

1430. you didn't do anything.

1431. - I'm sorry, what?

1432. It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound

1433. of your constant team killing.

1434. Don't make me mad.

1435. - So what happened to me anyway?

1436. I recall something about a spider on my head.

1437. - Right, that was a grenade.

1438. - And the last thing I remember is a loud bang

1439. and then Simmons fainting.

1440. - Ha, told you so.

1441. - I did not faint.

1442. - Done and done.

1443. Lopez, activate speech unit.

1444. - Buenos diaz, (speaking foreign language).

1445. - Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

1446. - Me llamo es Lopez.

1447. - Lopez, he just said, Lopez.

1448. I understood that.

1449. I can speak Spanish!

1450. - Lopez, speak English.

1451. - (speaking foreign language).

1452. - I think you shorted out his speech unit

1453. with that static, sir.

1454. - Maybe princess peach here picked up the wrong model.

1455. - Seriously dude, for the last time, not pink.

1456. - Lopez, I order you to speak a language we understand.

1457. - Negativo.

1458. - Well, this is just dandy.

1459. Lopez, how do we fix your speech unit?

1460. - Why are you talking so slow?

1461. He understands us just fine.

1462. Maybe you should try listening slower.

1463. - Lopez, would you like to shoot Griff?

1464. - Si senor, gracias.

1465. - As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

1466. - I saved you from a life of imprisonment.

1467. How the hell are you square with me?

1468. - Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

1469. - You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody

1470. is the same thing as doing them a favor.

1471. - Well, if you don't appreciate it,

1472. I could just kill you right now.

1473. - No you can't, I'm already dead bitch.

1474. I guess the jokes on you.

1475. - Stop it, stop fighting.

1476. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart?

1477. What about us?

1478. - What about you?

1479. - We helped you too, and what do we get?

1480. Nothing!

1481. - Well, yeah, but.

1482. - Yeah, but nothing.

1483. He's got a point.

1484. - I did help them get the flag back.

1485. - Yeah, but you were paid to do that.

1486. We rescued you as a favor.

1487. We could've just let you rot in the red army prison.

1488. It wouldn't have made any difference to us.

1489. - Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes

1490. to help you guys win this thing.

1491. As soon as I have, I'm out of here.

1492. What do you need me to do?

1493. - I have no idea.

1494. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.

1495. - Okay.

1496. - Wait, you know how to fix Sheila?

1497. I love you.

1498. - (speaking foreign language)

1499. - Man, first he doesn't talk at all

1500. and now we can't get him to shut up.

1501. What's he saying?

1502. - What are you asking me for?

1503. - Well, you know, because you're of a Latino persuasion.

1504. - Simmons isn't a Spanish name you dumb ass.

1505. I'm Dutch Irish.

1506. - But I thought—

1507. - What?

1508. - Nevermind.

1509. - I'm from Iowa.

1510. - Nobody cares.

1511. - Okay, take it easy guys.

1512. When I was over at the red base,

1513. I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed,

1514. so whatever you do, don't let 'em see us

1515. before we get Sheila back online.

1516. - Okay, okay.

1517. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we gonna turn her over?

1518. I mean, it's not like as if we could just lift—

1519. Oh, she is a very strong lady.

1520. - I'm the one that's the least visible,

1521. so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground.

1522. I'll keep an eye on the red base.

1523. If I see anything, I'll let you know.

1524. - Great, I'll come with you.

1525. - That kind of defeats the purpose, Caboose.

1526. - Okay, what if I'm really, really quiet?

1527. - Do you even understand what the term visibility means?

1528. - (laughing) Good one, sir.

1529. - Seriously, you don't know what it means do you?

1530. - No.

1531. - Caboose, just stay here man,

1532. and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.

1533. - Just watch the red base and tell us

1534. if you see any movement.

1535. So I suppose if you're helping us,

1536. you're not as mean as I thought.

1537. - I wouldn't say I'm mean,

1538. I just get hired to do mean things.

1539. - Yeah, but you like it.

1540. - Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

1541. - So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose.

1542. You will still do it, right,

1543. even though you're supposed to be helping us?

1544. - Is this a hypothetical discussion

1545. or should we start talking numbers?

1546. - Yeah, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

1547. - Hey Tucker!

1548. - What?

1549. - What the hell is my body still doing up here?

1550. - That's part of being dead Church.

1551. Your body doesn't really move around much anymore.

1552. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.

1553. - All right, well let me rephrase that then.

1554. Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?

1555. - Buried, with what?

1556. All we have are pistols and rifles.

1557. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?

1558. - Well then how about shipping me back home?

1559. You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.

1560. - Well Church, here's your girlfriend.

1561. Tex as one of Church's loved ones,

1562. would you like to pay your respects?

1563. That was a stirring eulogy.

1564. Rest in peace good buddy.

1565. - I am not happy about this.

1566. - I have an idea.

1567. I have an idea!

1568. - Yeah we heard you the first time, Caboose.

1569. We were just ignoring you.

1570. - If you possessed that red guy and took control of him,

1571. why don't you just possess your own body?

1572. - Oh, I see, so that way I would be living inside

1573. of my own dead body.

1574. - Yes.

1575. - Unable to move.

1576. Just laying there rotting in the sun for all eternity.

1577. - Yes.

1578. - Okay Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.

1579. - I think you are a mean ghost.

1580. - Dude you really stink.

1581. - What?

1582. - Your body, it stinks.

1583. - Tucker, the first chance we get

1584. you are going to bury my body.

1585. - Quit your bitching.

1586. Nothing's going to happen to it.

1587. - It's a freaking indignity!

1588. My body fought hard for this army

1589. and it deserves to be laid to rest.

1590. - Get over it, you're already dead.

1591. What's the worst that can happen now?

1592. - Hey Church, look birds.

1593. Why are they flying around in circles?

1594. - Oh God.

1595. - Okay, I'll go again.

1596. I spy something that begins with—

1597. - Dirt.

1598. - Damn, how did you—

1599. - Well because you did rock last time.

1600. That's all that's out here is rock and dirt.

1601. - Yeah, this canyon sucks.

1602. - How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?

1603. - Not much longer.

1604. She said it's going pretty well.

1605. The gun's almost working

1606. and then she'll get it moving again.

1607. - That's just fantastic.

1608. - Why would that upset you?

1609. - Because as soon as she gets the tank online,

1610. she's gonna use it against the reds

1611. and they're all going to die.

1612. - The reds dying is a good thing.

1613. - No, Tucker, it's not a good thing.

1614. As soon as we beat the reds, Tex is outta here,

1615. and I still haven't figured out a way

1616. to get that AI out of her head.

1617. - AI.

1618. - Shut up Caboose.

1619. And if I don't get it out before she leaves—

1620. - If she leaves you won't ever find her again.

1621. - Right.

1622. - So what are you gonna do?

1623. - I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do.

1624. I have to warn the reds before she fixes the tank.

1625. - You're switching sides?

1626. - Sorry guys, I don't have much choice.

1627. - Church, what happens when the red's out here

1628. to stop Tex and then they come also with guns

1629. and may find us?

1630. - I'll try to help you as best I can.

1631. Good luck guys.

1632. - Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?

1633. - I tell you what, kill me.

1634. I promise not to come back.

1635. - Hey, look at this.

1636. - No.

1637. - They have a girl.

1638. They have a girl.

1639. - A what?

1640. - A girl, a girl, look!

1641. Pink armor!

1642. - Oh man, how come they get a girl?

1643. - You guys realize that I'm a chick, right,

1644. and that I'm standing right here?

1645. - Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl, girl.

1646. - And what the hell does that mean?

1647. - Nothing.

1648. - Wait a second.

1649. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard

1650. Church's secret plan to warn the reds about her?

1651. - I don't know, but I think I know how to find out.

1652. Hey, Tex, did you hear Church's secret plan

1653. to tell the reds that you were fixing the tank?

1654. I don't think she knows.

1655. - Hey.

1656. - Yeah.

1657. - Do you ever wonder why we're here?

1658. - No, I never ever wonder why we're here.

1659. Semper Fi bitch.

1660. - What's wrong with Lopez?

1661. - I don't care.

1662. - Hey Lopez, you okay man?

1663. - (speaking foreign language).

1664. - Sure.

1665. - (speaking foreign language)

1666. - Ah crap, Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila.

1667. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

1668. - Oh, oh, oh Tucker please, please, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker,

1669. Tucker, please.

1670. - Yes you can be the one who radios Church.

1671. - Thanks man.

1672. Calling Church, come in Church.

1673. This is your close personal friend, Private O'Malley.

1674. - O'Malley, you said your name was Caboose.

1675. - I never said that, you guys did.

1676. - Why didn't you correct us?

1677. - Because I didn't want to be difficult.

1678. Come in private Church, do you copy?

1679. Soldier unit Tex almost has

1680. the armored vehicle situation rectified.

1681. Okay, we require verification of your mission-ness.

1682. How is your progression?

1683. - Caboose, (speaking foreign language)

1684. - He says he wants to talk to you.

1685. - Thank you for activating

1686. the M808V main battle tank.

1687. - Oh shit, we got trouble.

1688. - Un tanque grande.

1689. - Hey, I think if you're gonna live in this country,

1690. you should speak the language.

1691. - What country?

1692. We're on an alien planet.

1693. - What are you a communist?

1694. Son of a bitch!

1695. - Son of a bitch!

1696. - Madre de dios!

1697. - Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people

1698. what's going on through that sniper rifle.

1699. - Church is getting mad at us.

1700. - Oh, well that's a nice change of pace.

1701. - Simmons, I'm coming around in the warthog.

1702. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.

1703. - Roger that.

1704. - I'll stay here.

1705. - Yeah, stay here and guard this cement ramp.

1706. It's vital to our success.

1707. All right, I'm on board.

1708. - All right, here's the plan.

1709. - Wow, back so soon?

1710. You guys win the war all ready?

1711. - Yeah, did you want to finish telling me

1712. the plan now, Sarge?

1713. - If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya, slowly.

1714. - Hey Simmons, by the way, the ramp is secure.

1715. - Target locked.

1716. - Hey, what are you guys doing up here?

1717. - That chick in the black armor's back.

1718. - What chick?

1719. The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

1720. - That's the one.

1721. - The same chick who's fault it is

1722. that I'm stuck in this light red armor.

1723. - Donut, I understand the need to safeguard

1724. your masculinity, but really man it's a whole lot faster

1725. just to say pink.

1726. - Oh, oh, I've been waiting for this.

1727. Hey bitch, remember me?

1728. I saved something for ya!

1729. - Man that girl's got a really good arm.

1730. - Oh crap.

1731. - Hell yeah, three points you dirty whore.

1732. - Dios mio, no!

1733. Texas, Texas!

1734. - Where's Lopez going?

1735. - To fight the enemy head on

1736. in hand to hand combat, mano e mano.

1737. What a brave little compadre.

1738. Lopez, I never understood a word you said,

1739. but I do know one thing.

1740. You hated Griff,

1741. and that's the most important thing there is.

1742. Adios amigo, adios.

1743. - Shouldn't we help him?

1744. - Nah, that would just ruin the moment.

1745. - Church, is that you?

1746. It's gone Church.

1747. The AI, it's gone.

1748. Thank you.

1749. - Crap, Church is gonna be pissed

1750. and now he's got a body to kick our ass.

1751. Come on Caboose, let's get back to base.

1752. - I told you my name isn't Caboose.

1753. My name is O'Malley