1. Good evening, good evening,
good evening. Welcome to QI.Copy !req
2. Tonight we're all fingers and
thumbs, faces and feet and other
physical features beginning with F.Copy !req
3. And to help us, we have four
familiar fizzogs. We have Jo Brand.Copy !req
4. Dara O'Briain.Copy !req
5. Phill Jupitus.Copy !req
6. And Alan Davies.Copy !req
7. So it's f-f-fingers at the ready,
please, let's face the music
and buzz.Copy !req
8. Phill goes:Copy !req
9. Dara goes:Copy !req
10. Jo goes:Copy !req
11. And Alan goes:Copy !req
12. Now, Alan, do you enjoy fargling?Copy !req
13. Am I fargling now?Copy !req
14. No, I hope you are about to, though.
Is it a foreign word
for saying amusing things?Copy !req
15. It's an American word that's
sometimes used for a game that
involves your hands and fingers.Copy !req
16. Oh, rock, paper, scissors.Copy !req
17. Yes, paper, scissors, stone,
or rock, paper, scissors.Copy !req
18. Does anyone know, incidentally,
what is the best opening move
of paper, scissors, stone?Copy !req
19. If you say, "You go first."Copy !req
20. Very good, very good.
Is it having a real rock.Copy !req
21. That might work.Copy !req
22. I bet people do stone first.
Is stone the most common?Copy !req
23. Interestingly, people think stone
is the most common sometimes,
so they, supposedly...Copy !req
24. Do they go paper
so you go scissors...Copy !req
25. According to the New Scientist
the best tactic is to play scissors
because many people know that rockCopy !req
26. is a common opening
so they play paper.Copy !req
27. And they think you'll do rock.
Now everybody knows that,
everyone will start with scissors.Copy !req
28. Always making sure you play it
with a Saudi shoplifter.Copy !req
29. They could only do rock,
couldn't they?Copy !req
30. Yes, exactly,
avoid playing it with Abu Hamza
because then you...Copy !req
31. Abu Hamza can only do question mark.Copy !req
32. Rock, paper, quizzical expression.Copy !req
33. He can do question mark, corkscrew
and a thing for digging stones
out of horses' hooves.Copy !req
34. He's not a Swiss Army cleric.
Surely he is!Copy !req
35. OK, now,
from fingers to facial features.Copy !req
36. We are going to try a scientific
experiment now. So, you all have
a pencil in front of you, I hope.Copy !req
37. I would like Phill and Dara to put
the pencil between your teeth.Copy !req
38. That's it, thank you,
tight between your teeth. OK.Copy !req
39. Would you rather we had
a ball gag, Stephen?Copy !req
40. It all started innocently enough
with pencils, they woke up
in Dortmund four days later.Copy !req
41. And could you put your pencils in,
holding them only with your lips,
not your teeth.Copy !req
42. This reminds me of my husband.Copy !req
43. Oh, please!Copy !req
44. No, he's got a pencil like that.
Oh, has he?Copy !req
45. You may not remove them until
I say so, that's quite important.Copy !req
46. My question is this - on the face of
it, which is funnier, quack or moo?Copy !req
47. Quack. Quack, quack.
Can I take it out now?Copy !req
48. No, you can't take it now, until
I say. Because its got a K in it.Copy !req
49. Yes, is the right answer.
You know this, you're
professional comedians, most of you.Copy !req
50. Is this not a bad move
in a spoken-word comedy show?Copy !req
51. I am choosing my words
very carefully here.Copy !req
52. You've essentially disabled
the four contestants.Copy !req
53. Could somebody
please call social services?Copy !req
54. Any idea why a K is funny?
It is related to the pencils,
in a strange sort of way.Copy !req
55. Because of the shape of your face.Copy !req
56. Is the right answer. To say a K you
have to smile. It's a smiling face.Copy !req
57. Absolutely. And people think
you're going to be funny.Copy !req
58. They did an experiment with people
putting pencils in their mouth,Copy !req
59. in the way you have,
which makes you smile.Copy !req
60. It's not making me smile.Copy !req
61. You can take your pencils
out of your mouth.Copy !req
62. No. I like it! I'm keeping it in
for the rest of the show!Copy !req
63. Mr Put A Pencil In Your Mouth!
Let's see how the rest
of the series goes!Copy !req
64. Very well.Copy !req
65. You've made your bed now, Fry!Copy !req
66. According to psychologists,
words containing the letter K
are the funniestCopy !req
67. because they force you to smile.
It's called facial feedback.Copy !req
68. What else can you tell us about a
duck's quack? Do you know anything
interesting about a duck's quack?Copy !req
69. It has no echo.Copy !req
70. Ohhh!Copy !req
71. Commonly held misapprehension,
unfortunately.Copy !req
72. A man from Salford University
actually put a duckCopy !req
73. in a reverberation chamber
in order to find out if this is trueCopy !req
74. because it is so prevalent a myth
but they do have an echo,
they do echo.Copy !req
75. Ducks echo.Copy !req
76. I'm going to take one
to Canterbury Cathedral.Copy !req
77. I'm just going to get
a big old duck and poke it.Copy !req
78. Just try it out myself.
Why should we believe the things
you say on this quiz?Copy !req
79. "A man took one to a chamber
and tested it."
No, let's test ourselves.Copy !req
80. I approve of your empirical zeal.Copy !req
81. Now, back to faces, what's
the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?Copy !req
82. A French man? I don't...Copy !req
83. With their consent?Copy !req
84. Very well put!Copy !req
85. What a nice young man.Copy !req
86. I really mean just as a
greeting in the way French and
European people do. How many?Copy !req
87. Oh, yes, two in Paris, three in rural
France and in very rural France
it can be kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.Copy !req
88. Very good, I will give you
your points there. I have it asCopy !req
89. two in central and southern France
and four in the northern country
parts, Brittany and Normandy.Copy !req
90. I found an intermediate place
where they like three.Copy !req
91. Three's true in Belgium and Holland.
Yes, you're absolutely right.Copy !req
92. And now
the snogging forecast for France.Copy !req
93. Brittany one, some saliva.Copy !req
94. Paris two, occasional tongue.Copy !req
95. Outlying areas four, some pregnancy.Copy !req
96. And five is Corsica, I suppose.Copy !req
97. Surely they don't kiss
each other five times in...Copy !req
98. Really have little to do
in Corsica, do they.Copy !req
99. Can you tell me what sort of person
kisses five times? Cors-I-can.Copy !req
100. I think you might have to go now.Copy !req
101. At least they know what it is,
I don't know what it is here.Copy !req
102. If you're unsure whether to
do one cheek or two,Copy !req
103. best way to deal with it
is to cup their genitals
while you're doing it.Copy !req
104. They won't mind how many kisses,Copy !req
105. they won't even be thinking
about it. Cup their genitals.Copy !req
106. Cup them lightly. Uttering the
words, "Carry your bag, sir?"Copy !req
107. In 1819 a German travel guide to
London said the kiss of friendship
between men is strictly avoidedCopy !req
108. in Britain, as inclining towards
the sinCopy !req
109. regarded in England
as more abominable than any other.Copy !req
110. Blimey. Queue-barging, presumably.Copy !req
111. That or sodomy.Copy !req
112. They're the top two, aren't they?
Yeah, really.Copy !req
113. Particularly if there's a queue
for sodomy.Copy !req
114. Cut in, don't cut in
on the buggery line. Excuse me.Copy !req
115. Now, what does a thorny devil do
with his feet?Copy !req
116. Do any of you know
what a thorny devil might be?
Thorny devil, is it a lizard?Copy !req
117. It is a lizard, well done.
Is it that one that goes on
alternate feet, to stop the heat?Copy !req
118. It's not alone,
as a lizard, in doing that.Copy !req
119. In fact, we may even have footage
of very attractive animals
doing that very thing.Copy !req
120. Sorry, I sort of coughed and sneezed
and wet myself all at the same time.Copy !req
121. That's what that noise was.Copy !req
122. I think the fiver is mine.Copy !req
123. Can I just ask?
Because I don't know this.Copy !req
124. Is there a facility for men
to wet themselves when they cough?Copy !req
125. Does that ever happen to blokes?
Facility? Like a place you'd go?Copy !req
126. Do men wet themselves when
they cough, when they get old?Copy !req
127. No... Shit themselves?
Sometimes we...Copy !req
128. .. we do poo a little bit
when we cough. I just wondered.Copy !req
129. Sometimes you wet yourself if you
dream about going to the toilet.Copy !req
130. Dreaming about going to
the toilet you've got to try
and wake up really quickly.Copy !req
131. I don't think it was the dream
that did it, to be honest.Copy !req
132. I think he wanted to go to the toilet
and the dream just kind of
worked itself around it.Copy !req
133. I think your body decided to go,
"I'm getting rid of this"Copy !req
134. and your dream kind of went
"Let's weave it into the narrative."Copy !req
135. I was once on a boat
with Elvis Presley.Copy !req
136. Oh, this is within a dream,
oh, thank heavens for that.Copy !req
137. And I was chatting to Elvis Presley
and I said,Copy !req
138. "Excuse me I've got to go to
the toilet," and I wet the bed.Copy !req
139. Didn't he wear nappies?
In his final unhappy days
I believe he wore diapers.Copy !req
140. Oh, you wouldn't be that unhappy
in a nappy, would you?Copy !req
141. I would, actually. There was always
the moment when he was on stage
where you could tell,Copy !req
142. where he went # We'll have
a have a... BL-OOOH! Christmas...Copy !req
143. I don't know the answer.Copy !req
144. All I do know as you age, you tend
to wear pale trousers less and lessCopy !req
145. so you don't reveal
the dot of shame.Copy !req
146. Anyway, it's an antipodean,
rather beautiful... Hello!Copy !req
147. Isn't he wonderful?
These do something unique?Copy !req
148. Yes, they can take in water in any
part of their body. From their
feet if they stand in a puddle.Copy !req
149. But what's impressive
is that the water doesn't
just get absorbed through the skin,Copy !req
150. it goes through grooves
and capillaries.Copy !req
151. It's drawn up all the way
to the corners of their mouth
and into the mouth.Copy !req
152. They actually drink water
from anywhere and every part of
their body has this system.Copy !req
153. They just put their hand in a pint.Copy !req
154. A thorny devil is an Australian
lizard that can drink through its
feet and any other part of its body.Copy !req
155. Now, how could I tell that Alan is
a criminal just by looking at him?Copy !req
156. A merry criminal, right.Copy !req
157. Is it the shifty eyes, pointy nose
and general sort of little pug face?Copy !req
158. Interesting.Copy !req
159. A totally unfair reading, surely.
I've never seen you happier.Copy !req
160. The happiest I've ever seen you.Copy !req
161. I bet that's been building up
for 20 years.Copy !req
162. I'm going to let this one out
on telly.Copy !req
163. One day I'm really going to tell him
what I think of him. When will thatCopy !req
164. opportunity arise?Copy !req
165. Is this phrenology?Copy !req
166. In fact I have a phrenological
bust... Everyone has one.Copy !req
167. Everyone has one of these.
This is a copy of the original.Copy !req
168. In the Melbourne jail they've got
casts of Ned Kelly
and all the murderers.Copy !req
169. Absolutely. In the 19th century
not only phrenology butCopy !req
170. of the face, physiognomy, the art
of reading character through the
face, was taken terribly serious.Copy !req
171. Is it his ears, something
to do with his ears? Nose.Copy !req
172. The father of physiognomy was,
of course, one of Alan's
best friends, Aristotle.Copy !req
173. According to what he said about your
face and character, your curly hairCopy !req
174. signifies someone
who is dull of apprehension,Copy !req
175. soon angry and given
to lying and mischief.Copy !req
176. And you thought Jo was bad. Yeah.Copy !req
177. The distance between your eyebrows,
as worked out by the QI elves, is
that you are hard-hearted, envious,Copy !req
178. close and cunning, addicted
to cruelty more than love.Copy !req
179. Dara. Yes.Copy !req
180. He who has a large full forehead
and a little round withal, destituteCopy !req
181. of hair, or at least it has
little on it, is bold, malicious,Copy !req
182. high spirited, full of choler, apt
to transgress beyond bounds, and yet
of good wit and very apprehensive.Copy !req
183. You threw me a little bun there,
at the end, didn't you?Copy !req
184. You are a scum bag, scum bag,
scum bag, couple of gags,
scum bag, scum bag,Copy !req
185. Exactly, basically. Whereas Phill.Copy !req
186. He whose hair grows thick on his
temples and his brow, is by nature
simple, vain, luxurious, lustful,Copy !req
187. credulous, clownish in his speech
and conversation, and double chin
shows a peaceable disposition.Copy !req
188. Think on.
Vain, credulous, a great supplanter
and secret in all your actions.Copy !req
189. And not to mention peckish.Copy !req
190. Jo, one whose hair is of reddish
complexion is for the most part,
if not always... But it's hair dye.Copy !req
191. Proud, deceitful, detracting
venerous and full of envy. Venerous?Copy !req
192. Yes. As in venereal. Sort of.Copy !req
193. Diseased.Copy !req
194. Yes. To do with... Uh uh.
Uh uh.Copy !req
195. Anyway, there we are,
that's one of the serious answers,
phrenology is the other.Copy !req
196. This is Lorenzo Fowler's head,
it covers all theseCopy !req
197. supposed emotional and various other
cognitive things and you're supposed
to feel the bumps on people.Copy !req
198. Now, largely, if indeed
not wholly discredited.Copy !req
199. Duncan, remember Duncan in Macbeth?Copy !req
200. Tell me do. There's no art to find
the mind's construction in the face.Copy !req
201. So, even then Shakespeare
knew it was nonsense.
If only Shakespeare had saidCopy !req
202. something about the duck's echo...Copy !req
203. He could have saved
everybody a lot of time.Copy !req
204. It could have savedCopy !req
205. one trip to the chamber.
Take yon young duck into
the Cathedral and make it sound off.Copy !req
206. She quack couldn't.Copy !req
207. Dost every quack come
back from brother Walloff.Copy !req
208. She quacketh not. That would be doth.Copy !req
209. Doth not dost. It does annoy me
when they get that wrong.Copy !req
210. Dost you, dost he,
no, dost thou, it's not difficult.Copy !req
211. Now, how would you describe
the famous Thatcher effect?Copy !req
212. Yes, you get the country
to bend overCopy !req
213. and you give it one
until its eyes water.Copy !req
214. It was great, actually,
when she became Lady ThatcherCopy !req
215. because then she sounded like
a device for removing pubic hair.Copy !req
216. Couldn't take her
seriously after that. It's true.Copy !req
217. Absolutely, the Brazilian
Lady Thatcher. Trim those straggly
pubic hairs with the Lady Thatcher.Copy !req
218. We need a Margaret Thatcher.
Here is the Thatcher effect.Copy !req
219. Do you know what it is?Copy !req
220. I know if it's the right way up
she's too frightening
so we have to put her that way.Copy !req
221. The eyes look the same upside
down as they do the right way up.Copy !req
222. No, they only look sympathetic.Copy !req
223. Interesting point. No, what it
is, is our ability to read faces.Copy !req
224. Some people in the audience
or at home may have noticed
on one of those picturesCopy !req
225. two of the major features of
the face are actually inverted
in her upside down picture.Copy !req
226. So, if we were to turn
them round now you'd see
what you were looking at was that.Copy !req
227. Burn the witch!Copy !req
228. This was Peter Thompson of the
University of York, he discovered
that when it's the right side upCopy !req
229. we'd instantly see which items
are upside down but when it's then
turned upside down itself...Copy !req
230. I'm racking my brains to think of any
kind of application, short of you are
in the middle of a soixante neuf,Copy !req
231. and you turn and go,
oh, God, you're hideous.Copy !req
232. You looked fine when we started.Copy !req
233. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
234. The application is hard
to say but as you know
these things sometimes emergeCopy !req
235. and here, for example, is Alan.Copy !req
236. Turn it upside down, please, now.Copy !req
237. You never would have guessed, would
you? That's astounding, isn't it?Copy !req
238. That's a face you don't want
to see after a 69, isn't it?Copy !req
239. It's a real real worry. Um...Copy !req
240. Facial recognition is indeed
a natural human instinct.Copy !req
241. We see faces everywhere,
in cloud formations and so on.Copy !req
242. Here are some little examples.
Perhaps you can tell me what
you think the faces are.Copy !req
243. They are always, by the way,
Jesus or Mary. That's right.Copy !req
244. The middle one is the Virgin
Mary in a piece of toast.Copy !req
245. Most people see Marlene Dietrich
in the middle one.Copy !req
246. If you look closely I think it
does look like Marlene. On the left.Copy !req
247. The moon. It's actually Mars.Copy !req
248. And people will say, yes,
the Madonna and on the right...Copy !req
249. Jesus.Copy !req
250. You can only say Jesus like that
when you say the Baby before,Copy !req
251. Baby Jesus.Copy !req
252. Baby Jesus.Copy !req
253. But the Thatcher effect
makes it difficultCopy !req
254. for one to detect inverted
features in an upside down face.Copy !req
255. Now let's put our best
foot forward into the
final furlong of general ignorance.Copy !req
256. So, be careful not to put
your foot in it, put your
fingers on the mushroomoids.Copy !req
257. And, what can you tell about
a man from the size of his feet?Copy !req
258. The size of his shoes.Copy !req
259. Oddly enough, not. That's not just
because we thought people would sayCopy !req
260. that, it's generally not true, most
people wear the wrong size shoes.Copy !req
261. I know it sounds bizarre but
apparently that's true becauseCopy !req
262. they are unaware of how their feet
change... . Size of his cock.Copy !req
263. I'm sure that is trueCopy !req
264. because I have size 13 feet
but it isn't,Copy !req
265. apparently, true in all cases.Copy !req
266. Apparently, the size
of your hands isCopy !req
267. in proportion to your feet size,
though there are many other views.Copy !req
268. One is that your foot size is the
same from the point of your elbow
to your arm, it's exactly that.Copy !req
269. So why do people think that your
cock's to do with your foot size?
It was a rumour started by clowns.Copy !req
270. You know what they say,
big shoes, big penis.Copy !req
271. As they come in, oh, baby...Copy !req
272. Oh, dear.Copy !req
273. What do we measure feet in?Copy !req
274. In Britain,
the one, two, three what is that?Copy !req
275. We measure them in a little slidey
thing. Yes, but what is the unit?Copy !req
276. A fraction of the slidey thing.Copy !req
277. It's called a barleycorn,
a third of an inch. Barleycorn.Copy !req
278. A barleycorn, each one, so if you're
a size 12 you are a barleycornCopy !req
279. bigger than size 11 or two
barleycorns bigger than a size ten.Copy !req
280. Why don't they tell you that
down the shoe shop? They probably
are not aware of that.Copy !req
281. If I go into Dolcis tomorrow and go
"Good vendor of shoes,Copy !req
282. "how many barleycorns am I this
fine day?" and then ICopy !req
283. point my foot at them,
I'm going to get short-changed.Copy !req
284. I have size 13 feet as well which is
a plague because most shoe production
goes up to 11, possibly 12.Copy !req
285. So every time I go in and say,
"Do you have them in a size 13?"
I get a speechCopy !req
286. where they go "You might
find it difficult to findCopy !req
287. "shoes in that size". Do you look at
them and go, "Really? Because this is
the first day I've had size 13 feet"?Copy !req
288. I got them as a birthday present.
I was size nineCopy !req
289. and then I played poker with
the witch and it all wentCopy !req
290. hideously wrong and now I've got
these things but thank you,
thank you for setting me straight.Copy !req
291. Do they not go, "Good sir, you're
a barleycorn too far for this shop,Copy !req
292. "I'll wager!Copy !req
293. "Onwards to Big Ron's Freak Foot
outlet,Copy !req
294. "where the clowns buy their shoes."Copy !req
295. "Come in, you're welcome here,
titchy feet!"Copy !req
296. Behave yourselves. Now, good, shoes.Copy !req
297. How many muscles are there
in your fingers?Copy !req
298. One if you play your cards right.Copy !req
299. I cannot look at you.
Oh, you dreadful boy.Copy !req
300. I'm not going to pay any attention
to you now. I've put the pencil in.Copy !req
301. Oh, Lord bless you.Copy !req
302. None.Copy !req
303. None is the right answer,
thank you. There are no
muscles in your fingers.Copy !req
304. Only tendons, the muscles
are in the hand and
forearm that control your fingers.Copy !req
305. If you do a sort of spidery thing
and then pull in your middle finger,
do that.Copy !req
306. Now, lift your thumb, tap it up.Copy !req
307. Tap your little finger,
tap your index finger.Copy !req
308. Now tap your ring finger.Copy !req
309. You can't move it all.Copy !req
310. It has no muscle
but it has a shared tendonCopy !req
311. with the middle finger so it can't
even move at all. That hurt there.Copy !req
312. Yes, it's weird, isn't it? There you
have a picture of musculature ofCopy !req
313. the hand and arm and there are
no muscles in the fingers.Copy !req
314. And lastly now, which is
easier, smiling or frowning?Copy !req
315. Oh, smiling uses
less muscles than frowning.Copy !req
316. Oh, dear no, in fact
exactly the opposite is true.Copy !req
317. It's the kind of thing people say
in a banal manner to a shopkeeper,Copy !req
318. you less muscles to smile...Copy !req
319. I'm glad that's not true, because
it's the most annoying thing that
probably anyone's ever said.Copy !req
320. Exactly. It costs nothing.
You use 12 musclesCopy !req
321. to smile and only 11 to frownCopy !req
322. as it happens. How about this?Copy !req
323. You look like
that photo of yourself earlier.Copy !req
324. I'm using 23 muscles.Copy !req
325. It's still 23.Copy !req
326. I don't like it when you're thinking
about something, you might be
a bit pensive, you might be lostCopy !req
327. and someone you don't know comes up
to you and goes, "Cheer up!"Copy !req
328. So, who will be smiling
when the scores are revealed?Copy !req
329. Let's have a look at them.Copy !req
330. In first place
with -24 it's Phill Jupitus.Copy !req
331. In second place
with -26, it's Jo Brand.Copy !req
332. In third place
with -28 - Dara O'Briain.Copy !req
333. Which meansCopy !req
334. the scissors crushed by
the stone tonightCopy !req
335. with -42 - Alan Davies!Copy !req
336. Anyway, it's thanks to Phill, Dara,Copy !req
337. Jo and Alan and I leave you
with this face saving story.Copy !req
338. Abraham Lincoln was once accused
of being two-faced and he replied,Copy !req
339. "If I were two-faced, do you
think I'd be wearing this one?"Copy !req
340. Thank you and good night.Copy !req