1. Ohh!Copy !req
2. Bonsoir, bonsoir, bonsoir,
bonsoir, bonsoir.Copy !req
3. Bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs!
Et bienvenue a QI.Copy !req
4. Or Koo-Eee,
as we should properly call it.Copy !req
5. Tonight we fare forth
into our favourite foreign fiefdom,Copy !req
6. land of fromage, froideur
and flageolet, la belle France.Copy !req
7. Avec moi, ce soir, je suis delighted
to welcome le grand legume,
Phill Jupitus!Copy !req
8. Et le bourgeois gentilhomme,
Hugh Dennis!Copy !req
9. Merci.
La femme fatale, Jo Brand!Copy !req
10. And Babar the Elephant.Copy !req
11. But before we laissez les bons temps
rouler, les champignons musicales,
s'il vous plait. Phill goes...Copy !req
12. PLAYS "La Marseillaise"Copy !req
13. Hugo va... Hugo?Copy !req
14. D'accord.
♪ Boum-boum! Boum-boum!Copy !req
15. I have plenty!Copy !req
16. Colour me very touched, Alan.Copy !req
17. Can I take my onions off now?
You can. They are slightly
restricting mon tete. Yeah.Copy !req
18. Of course.
Ma tete - feminine. Minus five.Copy !req
19. I said "mon" because I am masculine.
It doesn't quite work that way.Copy !req
20. The word vagina is masculine.
You're likely to be female if you
have one. You'd say, "mon vagina"?Copy !req
21. As it were, yes.
It sounds like
a mountain somewhere, doesn't it?Copy !req
22. Funny looking mountain.
I was climbing Mon Vagina.Copy !req
23. Many have.
And many have fallen off.Copy !req
24. So, bon, allons-y, mes copains.Copy !req
25. A ce moment-ci, je vous donne
des bonus pointsCopy !req
26. si vous pouvez repondre en francais.Copy !req
27. Oui.Copy !req
28. Very good!Copy !req
29. Already a bonus point for Hugh.Copy !req
30. Non.Copy !req
31. Plus tard, nous verrons.
Phill, comment ca va?Copy !req
32. Er...Copy !req
33. That is fluent.Copy !req
34. Jo, voulez-vous coucher
avec moi ce soir?Copy !req
35. Er, pas demi! Not half!Copy !req
36. Excellent!Copy !req
37. Quatre points!Copy !req
38. Alan,
donne-moi un mot, s'il vous plait,Copy !req
39. un mot pour un mammifere marinCopy !req
40. qui ne peut avaler aucun plus grand
qu'un pamplemousse?Copy !req
41. What's a pamplemousse?Copy !req
42. Ask the audience.
What is a pamplemousse?Copy !req
43. It's French porn.Copy !req
44. It's like grapefruit.
Like grapefruit. Do I?Copy !req
45. For six years you have yearned
for the answer
to a question to be...Copy !req
46. The blue whale. That is the answer!Copy !req
47. Oh!Copy !req
48. I've asked you to name a marine
mammal that couldn't swallow
anything bigger than a grapefruit.Copy !req
49. Right. And that is a blue whale.
You could have had such pleasure
and joy. Never mind.Copy !req
50. Here are some Frenchmen. What
are they looking for in the swamp?Copy !req
51. Where they've hidden their cameras,
I think.Copy !req
52. Does the tide come in really, really
quickly there? The sea is not far.Copy !req
53. We're in Gascony.
In an area of France called
Les Landes, south of Bordeaux.Copy !req
54. Je pense qu'ils cherchent
mouchoirs. They're looking
for a handkerchief? Yes.Copy !req
55. Not because I think they are, but
I don't know any other French words.Copy !req
56. Oddly enough, the first three
letters are correct. Handjob?Copy !req
57. No, no. You said "mouchoirs".
And it's mou... Moutons.
Moutons is right!Copy !req
58. Sheep. They are shepherds.Copy !req
59. They are shepherds and...
No, they are not!Copy !req
60. Are all the sheep on stilts as well?Copy !req
61. Is there a French programme
called One Man And His Stilts?Copy !req
62. If you see the one on the left,
he's got two stilts on his legs,Copy !req
63. plus a stick to make himself
a tripod to stand still.Copy !req
64. They can go really fast around
this 4,000-square-mile area.
They see their sheep better.Copy !req
65. And they negotiate this boggy
terrain brilliantly. They carried on
doing this up to the 20th century.Copy !req
66. When the pole got stuck right up
their arse. They were delighted when
somebody invented the Land Rover.Copy !req
67. I don't know if any French shepherds
might be watching - get dogs.Copy !req
68. Might save you a bit of time overall.
Dogs on stilts.
Oh, don't get me started!Copy !req
69. Tiny dogs, like Corgis, on...
Massive stilts!18-foot stilts!Copy !req
70. Towering over bigger dogs.
Yeah! At last!Copy !req
71. There was a famous shepherd
who walked to ParisCopy !req
72. and climbed the Eiffel Tower
in his stilts, then walked to Moscow
in 58 days in his stilts.Copy !req
73. What a remarkable man Wasn't he?
In 58 days? 58 days to Moscow.Copy !req
74. That's 1,830
of your puny English miles.Copy !req
75. Now you can go to Les Landes and
see them dancing in their stilts.Copy !req
76. It's a tourist attraction. They used
stilts to herd their huge flocksCopy !req
77. in country that was too rough
and boggy to have tracks.Copy !req
78. What did French country people do
in the winter?Copy !req
79. Nurse!Copy !req
80. Nurse!
She's out of bed again!Copy !req
81. I'd like to quote a man that I met
in the Aran Islands just off Galway.Copy !req
82. I said, "What do you do in winter?"
And he went, "Fishing and BLEEP!"Copy !req
83. So is that possible?Copy !req
84. You'd have to find a lady
who was wearing stilts.Copy !req
85. That is a major problem.
Or a lady in a first-floor window.Copy !req
86. Wow. Are you tempted?Copy !req
87. "Here they come again,
the bastard shepherds!"Copy !req
88. It's extraordinary. Until recently,
a lot of French country peopleCopy !req
89. did something not extraordinary
for animals, but it is for humans.Copy !req
90. Hibernate. Yes.Copy !req
91. Not true hibernation. Their body
temperature didn't drop and so on,Copy !req
92. but they essentially kind of slept.
They'd wake up once or twice,
have a biscuit, go back to sleep.Copy !req
93. Did they have to go in a cardboard
box with a lot of straw?Copy !req
94. A lot of shared bodily warmth.
You got them out in March,
had a look. "Not ready yet."Copy !req
95. They didn't hibernate as such -
they were students? Excellent.Copy !req
96. Basically, that's true.
They all cram together... "Lorraine
Kelly's on! Quick! Get up!"Copy !req
97. That is a really shit life, isn't it?
You spend six months of the year
on stilts and the rest asleep.Copy !req
98. It is tough! As long as the other
six months you're watching
Lorraine Kelly, pas de problem!Copy !req
99. French peasants used to hibernate
in rural France
until well into the 19th century.Copy !req
100. What were 80% of French people
unable to do in 1880?Copy !req
101. Count. Add up. No, we're in the
wrong discipline, as it were. Write.Copy !req
102. They couldn't write their own name
or read it,Copy !req
103. but if they could read or write,
80% of them didn't read in...
French. Exactly.Copy !req
104. That's odd.Copy !req
105. 120-odd years ago, 80% of French
people did not speak French. It was
not the majority language of France.Copy !req
106. All kinds of regional dialects?
Not just dialects, but languages.Copy !req
107. Basque?
In Les Landes, they spoke sheep.Copy !req
108. Yes. A stilted version of it.Copy !req
109. Baa? Meh!Copy !req
110. Very good.Copy !req
111. They spoke Occitan, Breton...
Occitane's what you put on spots.Copy !req
112. There is something called that!
It used to be a language
in an acne-ridden area of France.Copy !req
113. Franco-Provencal, Flemish,
Basque - they were some
of the major languages.Copy !req
114. Completely unrelated to French.
This is a map of the linguistic
areas of France here.Copy !req
115. There were 50, at least, dialects
and hundreds of sub-dialects.
Le bon francais, proper French,Copy !req
116. was only spoken by 20%.
Where did they speak Flemish?
Up near the Belgian border.Copy !req
117. What's the difference between a
Belgian kiss and a French kiss? Go
on. A Belgian kiss has more phlegm.Copy !req
118. Hey! very good.Copy !req
119. Why, thank you.
In 1880, most French people
couldn't speak French.Copy !req
120. According to a census in that year,
only about 1 in 5 residents
were fluent in French.Copy !req
121. French, famously, has only a quarter
as many words as EnglishCopy !req
122. so they quite often have to use
ours, but sometimes they get it
wrong and lost in translation.Copy !req
123. Traduisez, s'il vous plait.
What means "un people"?Copy !req
124. Look at that typical English person!
We in no way conform to stereotypes
here on QI.Copy !req
125. Here is an accountant and,
for some reason, Arthur Daley.Copy !req
126. That's not a Frenchman!
"I've got two fingers for you 'ere!Copy !req
127. "Look at that BLEEP hat over there!Copy !req
128. He isn't French! The white polo
neck's French. He's dropped his fag
and hasn't even noticed.Copy !req
129. Do you know...
"I smell burneeng!"Copy !req
130. I wouldn't be surprised if he had
a cigarette... An invisible one.
.. but it's been photoshopped outCopy !req
131. as the British public aren't allowed
to see cigarettes now. The only
advert I would do is for fags.Copy !req
132. "They're bloody lovely
and you might not get cancer."
I mean, you know.Copy !req
133. That's a very fine slogan.Copy !req
134. It's a gamble.Copy !req
135. Listen to sweary Bob.
"She's BLEEP right! They photoshopped
this BLEEP out! Oi!Copy !req
136. "Hattie over there ain't BLEEP
smoking! We do. It's BLEEP lovely!"Copy !req
137. He's not French, Stephen, please.Copy !req
138. OK... Let's at least get someone
with onions in.Copy !req
139. We're no closer to "les people".Copy !req
140. Oh, the in crowd.Copy !req
141. The hip, now, happening...
Something even worse than that.Copy !req
142. What is our obsession? Celebrities.
Celebrities are "les people"!Copy !req
143. Pathetic. Oh, merde.
What is "un brushing"?Copy !req
144. Un brushing? Un brushing.Copy !req
145. Is it a dental thing?
It's not dental,
but does involve the headal area.Copy !req
146. Cut your hair? Someone would do it
to you in a salon. Lick your hair!Copy !req
147. Somebody licks your hair in a salon?
I pay for it! Fair enough.Copy !req
148. "I'll give you 40 quid to lick it."Copy !req
149. Ohhhh! Ohhhh!Copy !req
150. "It".Copy !req
151. For 50 quid we'll get a cow
to come in and lick it.Copy !req
152. I'm not talking about the hair
on my head! Oh, now, please!
Enough already.Copy !req
153. My legs. Blow dry. Blow dry?
Un brushing is a blow dry.Copy !req
154. And what is un relooking?
A blowjob. No.Copy !req
155. Is it a double take?Copy !req
156. An excellent example of the breed,
I may say. A repeat.Copy !req
157. Not a repeat.
Another thing that was very popular.Copy !req
158. Oh! A clip show!
No, it's much more logical.Copy !req
159. It's weird. It's...
A reinterpretation of something?Copy !req
160. It's a makeover. Oh, right. OK.Copy !req
161. A makeover is a relooking.Copy !req
162. Is it? Un relooking is a makeover.Copy !req
163. Un relooking extreme! Yeah.Copy !req
164. How does the Academie Francaise
allow this? It doesn't.Copy !req
165. They would not accept these,
but they are used all the time.Copy !req
166. Usage is the final arbiter,
surely.Copy !req
167. Finally, vaselin-ay?Copy !req
168. To grease yourself up, Stephen.
Oh, dear. No.Copy !req
169. Vaselin-ay? That's like the two
Spanish firemen. Hose A and Hose B.Copy !req
170. A Spanish joke. Very good.
To butter someone up. Yes!Copy !req
171. That's exactly right. Yes!
To flatter, butter someone up.Copy !req
172. Excellent.Copy !req
173. Now what are the symptoms
of Paris Syndrome?Copy !req
174. It exists. Paris Syndrome.Copy !req
175. It had to be explained to me
who that was. Is it auditory
hallucinations in the third person,Copy !req
176. knight's move thinking
and an inability to crochet?Copy !req
177. No.Copy !req
178. Very specific, and I like that.
You have to picture the Japanese,Copy !req
179. who are taught that Paris is
the centre of sophistication,
elegance, artistry,Copy !req
180. cosmopolitan elan and savoir faire.
And they arrive in Paris
and almost everything the French doCopy !req
181. is something that Japanese people
find very difficult.Copy !req
182. Almost everything in the French
language is to them offensive, plus
they have to walk miles with jetlagCopy !req
183. and they suffer from Paris Syndrome.
An average of 12 people a year have
to be expensively repatriatedCopy !req
184. to Japan.
There is a 24-hour helpline
in the Japanese Embassy in ParisCopy !req
185. for Japanese people who are
traumatised by the disappointment,
horror, offence to their sensibilityCopy !req
186. of Paris. Extraordinary.
Isn't that fabulous? It is.Copy !req
187. I think it reflects well on the
Japanese. I definitely had that when
I went there. Miserable bastard.Copy !req
188. If you are traumatised by Paris,
you'll be traumatised
by the French medical system.Copy !req
189. Whatever ailment you have,
they give you a suppository.
You're quite right.Copy !req
190. It's their answer for everything.
Yeah. So Paris Syndrome is
an extreme form of culture shock.Copy !req
191. Now Napoleon once said
an army marches on its stomach.Copy !req
192. Why would you want a Frenchman
by your side in a fight?Copy !req
193. I'll give you five points if you
know who that is. Andre the Giant.Copy !req
194. It is. You're absolutely right.
A well-known wrestler. Yeah.
And starred in an excellent film...Copy !req
195. The Princess Bride. You're right.
Trivia points, yes,
but not real points. Excellent.Copy !req
196. Which is his normal body colour?Copy !req
197. He's going to a party at Judith
Chalmers' house in one and in the
other he's going round the Smurfs'.Copy !req
198. We use him as an example of a French
soldier. Why is a French soldier
a good person by your side?Copy !req
199. Are they good at fighting?
That's the point, yes.Copy !req
200. Despite their reputation
for being cowards... Always losing.Copy !req
201. .. they didn't. It seems,
according to Niall Ferguson,Copy !req
202. of 125 major European wars fought
since 1495, they fought in 50,Copy !req
203. more than Austria, which has 47,
and England, 43.Copy !req
204. And they achieved an impressive
average. Out of a total of 168
battles fought since 387 BC,Copy !req
205. they've won 109, lost 49
and drawn 10. Stephen?Copy !req
206. That's pretty good.
Put the glasses back on. Yes.Copy !req
207. Now people flicking over to the
channel may think they are seeing
a Benny Hill retrospective...Copy !req
208. "Hello, viewers!"Copy !req
209. There's a touch of that.
If only Henry McGee was on tonight!Copy !req
210. "We are speaking
with Mr Fred Scuttle..."Copy !req
211. "Yes, we are, sir!
I have been hosting quizzes...Copy !req
212. "for some 20 years.Copy !req
213. "My father used to build
concrete barriers to stop cars."
"Bollards?"It's true, sir!"Copy !req
214. We miss him dearly.
The world needs Benny.Copy !req
215. What did Groundskeeper Willie
famously call them?Copy !req
216. Cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Yes.Copy !req
217. Despite that reputation...Copy !req
218. There was a time when, if you
googled "French military victories",
Google returned,Copy !req
219. "Did you mean
French military defeats?"Copy !req
220. Extremely unkind.
They've had a bad recent record.Copy !req
221. You're going from 387 BC.
Obviously, Napoleon ultimately lost.
A lot of victories on the way,Copy !req
222. but then we got the cane
out of the cupboard and gave him
a damn good thrashing.Copy !req
223. Now, les jeux sont faits. Rien
ne va plus. Nous sommes arrives
at le point in the showCopy !req
224. where the TGV of savoir-faire hits
the brick mur of je ne sais quoiCopy !req
225. avec la ronde qui s'appelle General
Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers.Copy !req
226. What did the Romans like to wear?Copy !req
227. The Romans. Togas.Copy !req
228. Er, sandals.Copy !req
229. Sandals? They did wear sandals.
Although they did wear togas,
they did not like wearing them.Copy !req
230. What? They were huge and unwieldy.
"I'm sick of this thing!"Copy !req
231. Augustus had to pass a law making
Romans wear them in the forum.Copy !req
232. But they were huge things.Copy !req
233. They were vast and very hard to put
on. You had to keep your left arm up
so it didn't slip off you.Copy !req
234. That is a toga.
That semi-circle... What?
That mandarin slice is a togaCopy !req
235. next to a human being.
A great semi-circle of material.
It's a man windsurfing.Copy !req
236. We had a toga party at my house
in 1982. And I'm sure you used
much more convenient togas.Copy !req
237. Sheets. Exactly.
Duvet covers with a hole in!Copy !req
238. My friend Danny had a pink sheet
with Pontin's Holidays on it!Copy !req
239. How stylish!
He did not get off with anybody.Copy !req
240. I laughed all night.Copy !req
241. Did they have different tog ratings
of toga?Copy !req
242. Big old Romans...Copy !req
243. The toga pulla was a dark toga
and a toga picta was patterned.Copy !req
244. And the toga candida.
Candida is Latin for white.Copy !req
245. The toga candida was worn
by those entering an election,
from which we get... Candidate.Copy !req
246. Candidate. Points!
Definitely a point or two for that.Copy !req
247. Why do racing cyclists
shave their legs?Copy !req
248. Well, I hesitate to say
for aerodynamic purposes...Copy !req
249. You hesitated, but still said it.Copy !req
250. That's what they do in Breaking
Away. You've done the Tour
de France. I've done a leg of it.Copy !req
251. I believed it was for the reason
Alan said. I don't want the buzzer.
Is it a sweat thing?Copy !req
252. Not quite that.
There's an odd series of reasons.
There's no aerodynamic advantage.Copy !req
253. And they know that
because they have scientists.Copy !req
254. Swimmers have a 2% advantage
by shaving in water.Copy !req
255. The main reason given is
it's easier to clean out a wound,
sticking plasters stay on better,Copy !req
256. they have their calves massaged
an enormous amount...
And look far better in stockings.Copy !req
257. Yes, you're right.
Personal aesthetic considerations.
It's part of le look.Copy !req
258. Austrian cyclist Rene Haselbacher
had his shorts ripped off
in the 2003 TourCopy !req
259. and it emerged that he shaved
the whole area. Rather a Brazilian.Copy !req
260. But still designer stubble.
How odd is that?Copy !req
261. Shaved from neck to toe. It's a
shame it doesn't make any difference.Copy !req
262. It was my excuse for going five hours
slower than the guy who won.Copy !req
263. Which stage did you do?
There's an open stage every year,
an amateur stage.Copy !req
264. You're allowed to join in? Two weeks
before they do. 8,000 of us.Copy !req
265. And by the end
there were 4,000 of us left.Copy !req
266. I started in 2,400th place
and finished in 3,400th place.Copy !req
267. Oh, no! 1,000 people overtook you?
I was passed...
by a thousand people!Copy !req
268. And it took me nine hours
to catch up the bloke with one leg.Copy !req
269. Ohhh!Copy !req
270. I'm full of admiration for you,
Hugh. Absolutely wonderful.Copy !req
271. Why do Spaniards lisp
when they speak?Copy !req
272. Because the King lisped,
and everyone copied him.Copy !req
273. There is no evidence whatsoever
for this. If it were true,
they'd lisp all the time.Copy !req
274. They'd say Ethpagna, but they don't,
except in very small areas,
but that's considered bumpkinish.Copy !req
275. It's just a story that's got around
and isn't true. Do you know that
story about Arnold Schwarzenegger?Copy !req
276. When they made Terminator
and did a German version, he said,
"Can I dub it back into GermanCopy !req
277. "because I speak German?"
And they said, "No." Because he's
Austrian and sounds like a farmer.Copy !req
278. Now where's John Connor?Copy !req
279. Oi've come from the future.
"Hastar la vistar, baby!"Copy !req
280. What a thought.
"Oi want your jacket."Copy !req
281. It has nothing to do
with sucking up to the King.Copy !req
282. It isn't technically a lisp,
but a feature of pronunciation,Copy !req
283. no different from the curious
Northern British pronunciation
of bath and grass.Copy !req
284. Talking of kings,
what did they call the man who won
the Battle of Hastings? Harold.Copy !req
285. No, he lost, didn't he? Yes.Copy !req
286. William... The Conqueror.Copy !req
287. No.Copy !req
288. We call him William the Conqueror.
What did they call him?
William Le Conqueror.Copy !req
289. The fact is the word William
didn't exist at all as a name
at the time of the conquest.Copy !req
290. He was Guillaume le Batard,
William the Bastard. That's how
he was known by the French.Copy !req
291. It wasn't rude to call him that.
The bloke on the left
appears to be riding a llama.Copy !req
292. And he's got a parrot.
A random pirate has arrived
in the middle!Copy !req
293. "I've arrived on a busy day
here in Hastings. Who's doing
the embroidery? Get my good side!"Copy !req
294. As you might see
in the top left corner,Copy !req
295. the word William is developing.
It's become Wilgelm.
No, it's Wil 6 Elm.Copy !req
296. Normanno. I like that.Copy !req
297. Is that like medieval text speak?
They never put the whole thing in.Copy !req
298. "We've invaded Britain. Lol"Copy !req
299. O... M... G! Very good.Copy !req
300. So... They have indeed.
That's basically the point.Copy !req
301. All the Saxon names disappear
within 50 years of the invasion.Copy !req
302. Earwigs and Ethelreds and those
names. They became Hugo and Robert
and Richard and William.Copy !req
303. William - one in every seven men
in England was called William
within 50 years of the conquest.Copy !req
304. But sacre bleu and zut alors, it is
zat time, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
305. Garcon, l'addition, s'il vous plait.
I have the scores in front of me.Copy !req
306. Here is the damage.
Well, well, well, well, well.
We have an outright winner.Copy !req
307. With 15 clear points,
it's Hugh Dennis! Alors!Copy !req
308. In second place, with cinq,
it's Jo Brand!Copy !req
309. Not bad for a girl.Copy !req
310. In third place, with minus deux,
it's Phill Jupitus!Copy !req
311. But with a magnifique,
minus trente-neuf - minus 39 -
Alan Davies!Copy !req
312. Well, well, well.Copy !req
313. It only remains for me to wish you
au revoir, a bientot, adieu.Copy !req
314. And to say thank you
to Jo, Hugh, Phill and Alan.Copy !req
315. I leave you with the perfect
French-baiting headline
from the Daily Telegraph of 1929.Copy !req
316. "Great storm in Channel.
Continent isolated."
Salut, maintenant. Merci.Copy !req