1. Good evening, good evening!Copy !req
2. Good evening and welcome to QI,Copy !req
3. where tonight we are
obsessed with films and fame.Copy !req
4. Parading their false modesty modestyCopy !req
5. down the red carpet tonight are
the very famous David Mitchell.Copy !req
6. The fantastically glamourous
John Sessions.Copy !req
7. And, hell's teeth!
It's only Emma Thompson!Copy !req
8. And who is that bloke getting
out of the car behind her?Copy !req
9. No, not him, the one behind him.
You know, the curly hair?Copy !req
10. The one off the telly. Who is he?Copy !req
11. It's Alan Davies!Copy !req
12. So it is!Copy !req
13. And tonight...Copy !req
14. Tonight our buzzers have come
over all cinematic. David goes...Copy !req
15. Emma goes...Copy !req
16. John goes...Copy !req
17. And Alan goes...Copy !req
18. Th-th-th-that's all, folks!Copy !req
19. And so it's lights,
camera and action as we roll
out the first question.Copy !req
20. Now, you're all very good
at what you do,Copy !req
21. but what is this picture
trying to tell you?Copy !req
22. Oh! Johnny got there first. Yes?Copy !req
23. It is a painting by Man Ray
of Ingres and it is knownCopy !req
24. as the Violin d'Ingres,
because it's a kind of a pun.Copy !req
25. But a Violin d'Ingres
is actually more than a hobby,Copy !req
26. because the famous French painter
Ingres was a brilliant violinist,Copy !req
27. so it is like a very, very hotly
pursued hobby, a Violin d'Ingres.Copy !req
28. Well, what you've done is
saved us a lot of timeCopy !req
29. by being completely, 100% right in
every particular! That's very good!Copy !req
30. Yeah. It's a photograph.
Of course, it's a photograph
of a real model,Copy !req
31. Kiki of Montparnasse,
who was a favourite modelCopy !req
32. of a lot of the
Surrealist artists.Copy !req
33. And this is a painting by Ingres,Copy !req
34. the neo-classicist French
painter who died in...Copy !req
35. 1864, I think. Are you going to be
like this all the way through?Copy !req
36. This is a complicated
point we have to get across.Copy !req
37. The French have a phrase,
which is Ingres violin,Copy !req
38. which means somebody who does
something they are not famous for,Copy !req
39. but does it almost as well, I.e.Copy !req
40. they have a whole other side,
a whole other string to their bow.Copy !req
41. And in the case of Ingres, it was
that he was a talented violinist,Copy !req
42. as well as a great painter.Copy !req
43. And so, to a question about
a man who definitely, definitelyCopy !req
44. has one more string to his bow.Copy !req
45. How would you like to have Cedric
Gibbons nude on your mantelpiece?Copy !req
46. It's not Stanley
Gibbons the philatelist? No!Copy !req
47. He's a Hollywood figure, remarkable
Hollywood figure, Cedric Gibbons.Copy !req
48. He was the premier
art director/production designerCopy !req
49. of Hollywood, for MGM.Copy !req
50. And in 1928 he was
asked to design something. What
might that have been?Copy !req
51. Gone With The Wind? No.
The Oscar?Copy !req
52. Thank you! The Oscar!Copy !req
53. And not only did he design it,
he won 11 of them.Copy !req
54. He was nominated for 36 and won 11.Copy !req
55. Almost all Oscars, as you know, were
won by Walt Disney who won how many?Copy !req
56. 109. 26!Copy !req
57. And Cedric Gibbons won 11, and all
the rest went to Emma Thompson.Copy !req
58. Oh, look! There she is!Copy !req
59. A lovely winning smile.
Do you remember which one that was?Copy !req
60. That's Sense And Sensibility.Copy !req
61. Or Howard's End? Howard's Way.
I nearly said Howard's Way!Copy !req
62. That interesting boat script I wrote!Copy !req
63. But you were nominated
for three others.Copy !req
64. Yes. Do you remember what they were?Copy !req
65. Umm... Remains Of The Day.Copy !req
66. Remains Of The Day.
In The Name Of The Father.Copy !req
67. Best Supporting Actress.Copy !req
68. And you were also nominated for
Sense And Sensibility. Oh, yes!Copy !req
69. OK, I had forgotten that.
I can remember all the GCSEs I did.Copy !req
70. I would definitely remember
every Oscar nomination!Copy !req
71. I think when the rest of
my brain had meltedCopy !req
72. and I had to be fed through
a tube, those five names of
films would still come out.Copy !req
73. The best film one year was
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.Copy !req
74. Do you know what... They
altered the Oscar to some extent.
They made him a midget?Copy !req
75. They made him one big one
and seven little ones.Copy !req
76. It must have been a grim year
because that is a boring cartoon.Copy !req
77. I made an Oscar.
I actually made a genuine Oscar.Copy !req
78. I went to the factory in
Chicago where they were made.Copy !req
79. Is it a mould, like a jelly mould?Copy !req
80. There is a mould, but it
is pure metal. Britannium.Copy !req
81. Or do you have to hue it over weeks?
You give it a damn good buffing.Copy !req
82. If you have to hue it, and I'm not
being rude, but if I was winningCopy !req
83. an Oscar this year, I'd say,
can I have one of the onesCopy !req
84. made by the professionals
rather than the one Stephen Fry
ballsed up!Copy !req
85. I was well supervised. To be
honest, I did a bit of buffing.
On the bum area, I bet!Copy !req
86. And then dipping...Copy !req
87. You bad. You very bad man.Copy !req
88. A good buttock flossing!Copy !req
89. And then dipping him in
nickle and then in that gold.Copy !req
90. So, you didn't really make one.
No, I didn't make him. It's
like the Queen pulling a pint.Copy !req
91. Basically, that's more
or less what it was like.Copy !req
92. So, who was the Best Actor
in your year you were Best
Actress? Al Pacino.Copy !req
93. And your other Oscar, of course,
was for Best Adapted Screenplay.Copy !req
94. Yes. For Sense And Sensibility.
I should have won that
Oscar, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
95. Actually, yes, you should! Yeah.
You rescued it. Yeah.Copy !req
96. Yes. I had one of those steam
powered computers and the screenCopy !req
97. had done something to the script.Copy !req
98. It had transmogrified into
hieroglyphs, into just...Copy !req
99. Not words, not anything that I
could recognise, just funny shapes.Copy !req
100. I got the computer bloke round
and he couldn't work it out.Copy !req
101. So, finally, I took the computer
out of the wall, still in my
dressing gown, got in a taxi, wentCopy !req
102. with the computer round to Stephen's
house, set it down and said, please!Copy !req
103. Find my script!Copy !req
104. And I did it like that,
because I'm an actress.Copy !req
105. If I'm upset I
make sure people know it!Copy !req
106. And he said, OK, but it took
him seven hours! Hmm, I did that.Copy !req
107. Advantages of being a nerd.
Probably what really happened wasCopy !req
108. he couldn't do it, and
he thought, "Shit, I can't let on."Copy !req
109. "I'll quickly write one!"
"I'll just write it.Copy !req
110. "It will be much quicker
if I just adapt the novel."Copy !req
111. And I looked at it
and I'd forgotten, obviously,
because my brain doesn't holdCopy !req
112. any information for
any length of time at all.Copy !req
113. Just looked at it and thought,
that's my script and I handed it in.Copy !req
114. I'll send the Oscar round tomorrow.Copy !req
115. Now, time to test your hearing.Copy !req
116. What is this a representation of?Copy !req
117. It's Roy Chubby
Brown eating a hobnob.Copy !req
118. It's Gladstone being...Copy !req
119. Eating an ice cream and then
being beamed up by the Martians.Copy !req
120. It's giving birth. Yes!Copy !req
121. Brilliant! Brilliant! That's exactly
what it is. It is a lamb being born.Copy !req
122. God!Copy !req
123. In fact, this is a sound effect.Copy !req
124. We can actually see
the sound being made.Copy !req
125. Has he listened to lambs being born
and then done that, or has he said,Copy !req
126. no one knows what a lamb being born
sounds like, I'll do any old crap.Copy !req
127. I'll drop a towel!
She is oddly named Lizzie Calf,
oddly enough!Copy !req
128. And she used to do the sound
effects for the Archers,
amongst other things.Copy !req
129. She's now our sound wizard,Copy !req
130. but there is a name to this science
of sound effects, as used in movies.Copy !req
131. What sound recordists need is clean
dialogue and all the sound effects,Copy !req
132. footsteps and other
noises, guns being cocked and
the rustle of clothing,Copy !req
133. the lighting of a cigarette,
almost all that is done afterwards,
by someone called a foley artist.Copy !req
134. And here is an example of
some of the early foley artists
making their noises.Copy !req
135. All kinds of different
things are used.Copy !req
136. If you close your eyes,Copy !req
137. let the audience see how
it is being made, you see if...Copy !req
138. Ah! Ah! Alan!Copy !req
139. When I say close your eyes.Copy !req
140. When I open them,
you won't all have gone, will you?Copy !req
141. You close your eyes, we'll let the
audience and everyone at home seeCopy !req
142. some more sounds being made.
See if you can see what these are.Copy !req
143. So, what was that? A guillotine!Copy !req
144. A guillotine, all right.Copy !req
145. Very good. How was it made?Copy !req
146. With a guillotine and a person!Copy !req
147. And a bucket. No, they wanted the
sound of cabbages being chopped up,Copy !req
148. and so they had to kill a guy.Copy !req
149. Oh! Very good! It was indeed.Copy !req
150. I had my eyes shut long
after the sound had finished.Copy !req
151. I am so obedient.
It was indeed a cabbage.Copy !req
152. You slide a knife along a
scaffolding pole and then chop aCopy !req
153. cabbage and drop it into the bucket.
It's pretty good.Copy !req
154. We've got another one.
Close your eyes.Copy !req
155. What was that?
Somebody pretending to be a horse!Copy !req
156. That sounds exactly
like some coconut shells.Copy !req
157. Oh! You're so cynical!Copy !req
158. That's a two-legged horse
wearing some awkward shoes.Copy !req
159. It's a horse clapping.Copy !req
160. Don't you think it sounds
like a horse?It does!Copy !req
161. You've seen it many times in films
without knowing it was coconut.Copy !req
162. If you see the visual thing,Copy !req
163. then it works. Close your eyes.
What you think this sound is?Copy !req
164. It's fire. Exactly.Copy !req
165. They use this for fire ripping
through straw. This is a good one.Copy !req
166. This is weird because you
see it and think no, bollocks.Copy !req
167. It's a plain piece of paper
coming out of an envelope.Copy !req
168. Taking off a shirt? No. This is
what they genuinely used at Elstree.Copy !req
169. The electric doors in Star Wars!Copy !req
170. Paper being taken out of
an envelope. As simple as that.Copy !req
171. You watch Star Wars now
and you think, oh yes, so it is.Copy !req
172. We thank our sound expert
and apologise if she's in tears
having been mocked by David.Copy !req
173. I am perfectly willing to accept
with the pictures thereCopy !req
174. you buy the whole effect.Copy !req
175. Speaking of ubiquitous sounds,
what's the good thing about anCopy !req
176. English accent in Hollywood?Copy !req
177. You are always a villain.
That's basically it.Copy !req
178. Or you're gay. Often a gay villain!Copy !req
179. Or people think you are
Australian so you get bar work!Copy !req
180. A high octane version
of the English villain,Copy !req
181. is to get an English villain
to play a German villain.Copy !req
182. As in the Die Hard films.Copy !req
183. Die Hard has some of my favourite
dialogue of our great friend
Alan Rickman.Copy !req
184. When he says, after he's shot
the man in the head,Copy !req
185. "Mr Takagi, I will count to three,
there will not be a four."Copy !req
186. And then he goes downstairs and says,Copy !req
187. "Mr Takagi won't be joining us for
the rest of his life."Copy !req
188. That was brilliant.Copy !req
189. But he does this thing where he's
able to talk without actuallyCopy !req
190. letting his lips touch his teeth.Copy !req
191. Now I'm going to give you
a few English actors,Copy !req
192. I want you to tell me
the villains they have played
in Hollywood movies.Copy !req
193. Peter Cushing.Copy !req
194. Let other people have a chance. Yes?Copy !req
195. Dracula.Copy !req
196. No, I don't think he
ever played Dracula.Copy !req
197. Not in a Hollywood movie, certainly.Copy !req
198. Is it Tarkin? Very good.
The Grand Moff Tarkin.Copy !req
199. Steven Berkoff?Copy !req
200. Beverly Hills Cop. Very good.Copy !req
201. And Rambo, in fact, if you remember.
Christopher Lee?Copy !req
202. Hollywood movies. Scaramanga,
The Man With The Golden Gun.Copy !req
203. He did. That's kind of made
in Britain too, but actually...Copy !req
204. He was a bad wizard in
the Hobbit films.Copy !req
205. He was an awfully naughty wizard!
A turncoat wizard.Copy !req
206. He was very angry not to be cast
in the third one. Furious.Copy !req
207. He hardly catches a break.Copy !req
208. He was also in Star Wars,
apparently.Copy !req
209. Was Christopher Plummer British?Copy !req
210. Canadian, actually.Copy !req
211. I had a friend who worked with
Christopher Plummer in a film
and he arrived at the airport.Copy !req
212. The runner was there to say, "Go
straight to the bar of the hotel.Copy !req
213. "Chris will be there,
don't mention The Sound Of Music."Copy !req
214. So he stays around, into the bar,
Christopher Plummer comes inCopy !req
215. and half an hour later he was
playing Edelweiss on the piano.Copy !req
216. Weird.Copy !req
217. What did he see in the Baroness
in the first place, she was vile!Copy !req
218. She was a bit stiff and grumpy
and not very good with children.Copy !req
219. Do think it would have been better
if they'd made the Baroness
obviously wonderful and gorgeous?Copy !req
220. Why's he shagging the staff?Copy !req
221. She could have been Mary Poppins
and then they could have had
a Maria/Mary face-off.Copy !req
222. Like Alien Versus Predator.Copy !req
223. "I can get hat stands
out of carpetbags!"Copy !req
224. "I can make a whole outfit
out of curtains in two hours
for six people."Copy !req
225. "And snap my fingers and make
drawers open and close."Copy !req
226. "I can defeat the Nazis."Copy !req
227. That's my trump card played.Copy !req
228. The thing that's never mentioned
in that filmCopy !req
229. is that he's an old naval captain,Copy !req
230. presumably from the
Austro-Hungarian navy,Copy !req
231. now living in a country
with no coastline.Copy !req
232. He'd be quite pissed off turning up
for work, first day.Copy !req
233. Rowing round the lake!Copy !req
234. Just signed the Treaty Of Versailles,
very exciting, what next?Copy !req
235. Anyway, the point is
if you are an English actor,Copy !req
236. there is a good living
to be made being beaten up
by American action stars.Copy !req
237. How did the ancient Greeks cover up
the naughty bits on their statues?Copy !req
238. They didn't, did they?Copy !req
239. That's the point, they didn't.Copy !req
240. Then the Victorians chipped them
all off.Copy !req
241. Earlier than the Victorians. In the
16th century, it started happening.Copy !req
242. Chipped them off?
Chipped the willies off.Copy !req
243. I collect Greek willies!Copy !req
244. In some antique shop somewhere,
there will be a huge barrel
of Greek willies.Copy !req
245. Help yourself, I'm giving them free!Copy !req
246. Spent £40, you get a willy!Copy !req
247. It's 3,000 years old.Copy !req
248. There is a room in the Vatican
which contains the chipped off bits.Copy !req
249. There is a proud Greek statue.Copy !req
250. Is he about to bash himself
on the cock?Copy !req
251. Make yourself attractive, it shows
you are really ready.Copy !req
252. It was about 1860 they started
putting those curvy-looking
cabbage leaves round them.Copy !req
253. It was really the Reformation and
Counter Reformation in Europe.Copy !req
254. They had these people like Calvin
and Savonarola who was a fierce
proponent of all things pure.Copy !req
255. Suddenly, having been a wild place,
everything became incredibly...
It was like 1950s America.Copy !req
256. Anyway, the ancient Greeks
went commando.Copy !req
257. It was only in the later Middle Ages
and Victorian times that fig leaves
were placed on statues.Copy !req
258. What's so upsetting about this film?Copy !req
259. Do you know what's going on here?Copy !req
260. There are beetles.Copy !req
261. Is it a disease?Copy !req
262. It's not a disease.Copy !req
263. It was 1903 and it was a very
popular science-ish film,Copy !req
264. but it outraged the cheese
producers of the world.Copy !req
265. It's bacillus in cheese.Copy !req
266. It's cheese mites.Copy !req
267. It is little creatures
that exist in cheese.Copy !req
268. So that's what cinema was like
in 1903?Copy !req
269. Five hours of footage
of cheese mites.Copy !req
270. Sounds pretty good.
Amongst other things.Copy !req
271. I don't know what it did
to the sales of cheese. Possibly
it wouldn't have helped them.Copy !req
272. But it increased the sales
of cheap microscopes.Copy !req
273. People became fascinated about
the little things that go on.Copy !req
274. They could see their own little
swimming... things...Copy !req
275. I remember a documentary that your
father Eric Thompson narratedCopy !req
276. called something like
The Life That Lives In Man. Yes.Copy !req
277. It was all about the tiny
creatures that live...Copy !req
278. like billions and billions of things
in our beds all the time even if youCopy !req
279. do turn your mattress every month.Copy !req
280. I don't think turning a mattress
is going to kill the things...Copy !req
281. The Titanic of the
insect world is coming.Copy !req
282. And in your eyelashes...
We all have little creatures
living in our eyelashes.Copy !req
283. There's one of those adverts that
says there are more germs on yourCopy !req
284. chopping board than on your loo seat.Copy !req
285. To which the answer is,
clearly that's fine then.Copy !req
286. We are not all dying
or having diarrhoea...Copy !req
287. We are starting to die because
we're cleaning them up too much.Copy !req
288. They are saying in the advert
the very thing we are selling
you is unnecessary.Copy !req
289. Exactly! Exactly...Copy !req
290. That's exactly... Exactly right,
cos it's fine.Copy !req
291. The fact is there was a big
excitement about this,
except from cheese producersCopy !req
292. who tried to suppress the film
because it showed that in cheese,
which is an organic thing,Copy !req
293. it contains these special
mites which live there and do
you no harm at all.Copy !req
294. Cheese is a good thing.Copy !req
295. Who remembers Charlton Heston?Copy !req
296. How was Michelangelo
lying when he painted the ceiling
of the Sistine Chapel?Copy !req
297. Yes?Copy !req
298. Didn't he not do it? He didn't
do it. He lied about it.Copy !req
299. That is the sense of lying we
wanted. He didn't lie down to do it,Copy !req
300. as he did in the Charlton Heston
movie The Agony And The Ecstasy.Copy !req
301. Did he jump up and do a bit
at a time?Copy !req
302. Yeah, he stood on the scaffolding
and did it that way and cricked
his neck.Copy !req
303. Vasari writes about it
in his biography.Copy !req
304. There is apparently some
extraordinary little secret jokeCopy !req
305. that Michelangelo painted
in the fabric behind God.Copy !req
306. There is God with a bit of sort
of swaggy stuff behind him.Copy !req
307. That swaggy stuff, according
to at least four professors,Copy !req
308. who are neuroscientists,
neurosurgeons
from four universities...Copy !req
309. They are absolutely convincedCopy !req
310. that that particular shape,
do you know what it might be?Copy !req
311. Female part?Copy !req
312. No, it's not a female part.Copy !req
313. For once in QI's life we're not in
the downstairs lady area.Copy !req
314. Is it a brain? Brain!Copy !req
315. It's the transfer section of the
sagittal area of the brain.Copy !req
316. What it argues is that he was
present at some dissections that
were very popular,Copy !req
317. but completely illegalCopy !req
318. in Italy at this time.Copy !req
319. And the suggestion is that his idea
of God, one of God's greatest
miracles was the human brainCopy !req
320. which he had seen sliced through
and so he has got, literally,Copy !req
321. if you take away the brain from
that superimposition...Copy !req
322. Seems to be a bit of brain.
There's a museum in Oregon,
which is dedicated toCopy !req
323. replications of the brain made of
fabrics. It's an odd kind of museum.Copy !req
324. We can actually show you a perfect
brain with brain stemCopy !req
325. made by some American
knitting person. There you are.Copy !req
326. Yeah. Including brain stem,
which is impressive.Copy !req
327. Are you sure that's just
not the most unsuccessful attempt
at a cardigan ever?Copy !req
328. It's something of a disaster.
"No, it's meant to. It's a brain."
Some mad granny.Copy !req
329. It actually, genuinely,
has a po-faced warning on
the website showing it,Copy !req
330. saying it's a perfect reproduction
of the brain using applique,
embroidery, knittingCopy !req
331. and crochet. "While our artists make
every effort to ensure accuracyCopy !req
332. "we can't accept responsibility
for the consequences of using
fabric brain artCopy !req
333. "as a guide for functional
magnetic resonance imaging."Copy !req
334. Or indeed, home-based surgery.Copy !req
335. Either you've got a tumour or
they've dropped a stitch.Copy !req
336. Michelangelo may have
been lying about his illegal
dissecting activities.Copy !req
337. Why he'd risk painting a huge piece
of incriminating evidenceCopy !req
338. on the ceiling of the Pope's
chapel is anybody's guess.Copy !req
339. Which brings us blinking out of the
darkened theatre and into the
blinding light of General Ignorance.Copy !req
340. Fingers on buzzers, please.Copy !req
341. What happens to a hedgehog if you
remove its fleas?Copy !req
342. David? It dies.Copy !req
343. David! Davidy-wavedy-woo!Copy !req
344. No, there is a myth to this effect,
but it's not true at all.Copy !req
345. It's perfectly possible if you
covered it with anti-dog flea powder
it would die from the powder,Copy !req
346. but not from the lack of fleas.Copy !req
347. They're very happy with
their fleas. It doesn't kill
them, with or without.Copy !req
348. What mustn't you feed hedgehogs?Copy !req
349. Bread and milk. Exactly. People do
it and it gives them diarrhoea and
they dry out.Copy !req
350. You shouldn't really feed
bread and milk to any mammal,
including humans.Copy !req
351. There is a Radio 4 show...
Oh, come off it!Copy !req
352. You shouldn't feed humans bread and
milk. Not really. What do you mean,Copy !req
353. "not really?" It's absolutely,
demonstrably fine.Copy !req
354. No, it's not very good for you.
It's fine!Copy !req
355. We've been drinking milk
and eating bread for ages, why is
it suddenly a massive problem?Copy !req
356. "We're actually supposed to
live till we're 250Copy !req
357. "but we've been eating all this
poisonous bread and milk all the time
and can barely limp past 98."Copy !req
358. It's just ridiculous!Copy !req
359. Of course we're supposed to eat bread
and milk. Not just bread and milk.Copy !req
360. Poor Alan, don't bully him.
Poor Alan.Copy !req
361. You shake hands and be friends.
Sorry, Alan.Copy !req
362. Despite what you may have heard on
Radio 4's programme... Oh, yes!Copy !req
363. .. presented by David Mitchell.
What's your programme called?
The Unbelievable Truth.Copy !req
364. One of the unbelievable truths turns
out to, unbelievably, to be not true.
You claimed...Copy !req
365. People give you this shit
and you read it out.Copy !req
366. Brilliant! I've no idea
what you mean.Copy !req
367. Anyway, we are very happy
to put you right on your otherwise
excellent programme.Copy !req
368. Hedgehogs don't mind if they have
fleas or not,Copy !req
369. although they wouldn't be happy if
you poisoned them with flea powder.
Shakespeare mentions football twice.Copy !req
370. How often does he mention
the cricket? He doesn't mention
cricket cos it didn't exist then.Copy !req
371. Oh...Copy !req
372. Cricket certainly existed in the
16th century. Oh, right.Copy !req
373. In 1550, there's a mention of
cricket and that's before... Are you
sure that's not the small insect?Copy !req
374. Three times he mentions the insect,
you're right.Copy !req
375. But not the game. He never mentions
the game, to be honest.Copy !req
376. To be honest, that "Never" I said was
right...Copy !req
377. You asserted on the 26th May,
Mr MitchellCopy !req
378. that the game of cricket didn't
exist in Shakespeare's time. It didCopy !req
379. although he doesn't mention it.
So is this whole round...?Copy !req
380. Cos radio shows don't have the
same budget, you know...Copy !req
381. If you want to kill off the medium
then that's fine, but it bringsCopy !req
382. a lot of people a lot of pleasure.Copy !req
383. Shakespeare mentions
the cricket three times
though he was, of course,Copy !req
384. referring to the insect. But the
game did exist in his dayCopy !req
385. despite what you may have heard
on The Unbelievable Truth,Copy !req
386. the EXCELLENT Radio 4 programme...
It is excellent.Copy !req
387. .. which I'd urge you to listen to.
What hair do head lice prefer?Copy !req
388. Yes?Copy !req
389. Clean hair.Copy !req
390. Clean hair. You say "clean hair"?Copy !req
391. No, you see, people
thought it was dirty hair.Copy !req
392. This was repudiated
and replaced by another fallacyCopy !req
393. that it was clean hair. Any hair
will do to a louse, they don't mind.Copy !req
394. As long as there's an adequate
blood supply there's no preference
for clean or dirty.Copy !req
395. The hair of a living person. You have
to be alive and have hair. Eurgh.Copy !req
396. What are nits?
I thought they were the same thing,
a slang term for them.Copy !req
397. No, nits are the egg cases
and they stay on and
you can't get rid of them.Copy !req
398. They stay on sometimes for weeks
after the actual louse has escaped.Copy !req
399. Now, how does a flu jab work?Copy !req
400. It gives you... a minor version
of the illness.Copy !req
401. Ooh, no!Copy !req
402. That's the point. It doesn't
give you a mild case of flu.Copy !req
403. Oddly enough it's not
that kind of a vaccine.Copy !req
404. Most people think it is and they
often think they've been given fluCopy !req
405. by the jab because it might happen
that they get the jab around the
time flu's arriving in the country,Copy !req
406. and it's perfectly possible to get
real flu and you assumeCopy !req
407. it's the jab that's given it to you.
It's an inert, inactive virusCopy !req
408. so you have no flu. It doesn't give
you flu. But even though it's inert,Copy !req
409. your body's... It's still enough to
get your antibodies prepared for itCopy !req
410. but only for that particular strain.
Now, the time has comeCopy !req
411. to tot up the box office takings
for this evening and see...Copy !req
412. Oh, my word,
it's absolutely fascinating!Copy !req
413. This week's blockbuster, this week's
winner, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
414. with +4 pointsCopy !req
415. is Alan Davies!Copy !req
416. How about that?Copy !req
417. Oh!Copy !req
418. Can you believe it?Copy !req
419. In second place, a modest success
on the art-house circuit,
John Sessions with 1!Copy !req
420. Garnering a few points at a festival
you've never heard of,Copy !req
421. but a creditable first appearance,
- 10,Copy !req
422. Emma Thompson! -10?Copy !req
423. And, er... I'm afraid going
straight to video with -15,Copy !req
424. David Mitchell!Copy !req
425. And so it's goodnight from Emma,Copy !req
426. John, David, Alan and me.Copy !req
427. And huge thanks to our
mothers and agents and everybody who
believed in us and made it possible.Copy !req
428. You're all wonderful.
You're all family.Copy !req
429. And I leave you with this account of
a successful family publicity stunt.Copy !req
430. The great American showman,
PT Barnum, created an exhibit
entitled The Happy Family -Copy !req
431. which consisted of a cage containing
a lion, a tiger, a pantherCopy !req
432. and a baby lamb -
which was extremely successful.Copy !req
433. And one day he was asked
about his plansCopy !req
434. for The Happy Family
which had toured everywhere.Copy !req
435. "The display will become
a permanent feature," he said,Copy !req
436. "if the supply of lambs holds out."Copy !req
437. Goodnight.Copy !req