1. Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.Copy !req
2. If you've joined us from BBC1
to avoid the news,Copy !req
3. you're very welcome here
at QI Towers where dreary reality
seldom intrudes.Copy !req
4. Help yourself to drinks and nibbles
and put your feet up and your hands
together for Jo Brand!Copy !req
5. Bill Bailey!Copy !req
6. Jeremy Clarkson!Copy !req
7. And Pudsey Bear!Copy !req
8. Yes, Pudsey is joining us once again
for this Children In Need
QI special,Copy !req
9. which is all about
E for Entertainment.Copy !req
10. Pudsey's the only one
who hasn't played in this series.Copy !req
11. I have to tell you about
our Elephant In The Room bonus.Copy !req
12. If you spot an elephant,
buzz and wave your elephantCopy !req
13. and you get extra points.
There is an elephant hidden
in one of the questions.Copy !req
14. How entertaining can you be?
Jeremy goes...Copy !req
15. Very Robbie.
Yes. And Bill goes...Copy !req
16. "The Entertainer"Copy !req
17. And Jo goes...
"The Stripper"Copy !req
18. I wish!Copy !req
19. Go on.Copy !req
20. Oh, all right...Copy !req
21. And Pudsey goes...Copy !req
22. Which is the number you call
to donate to Children In Need.Copy !req
23. Brilliant and subtle as a brick.Copy !req
24. The point is you wave the elephant
when there is an elephant in...Copy !req
25. Oh! There IS an elephant
in the room, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
26. Well, goodbye, Pudsey.
AUDIENCE "Awww!"Copy !req
27. Good evening, elephant. Ha-ha!Copy !req
28. I was the elephant in the room!
You were! That's brilliant.
It was brilliant.Copy !req
29. And so to our first question
and a bit of detective work.Copy !req
30. What can you tell me
about the owner of these shoes,
which I shall show you?Copy !req
31. "The Stripper"Copy !req
32. Did he have fat kids who sat
on his shoes to watch telly?Copy !req
33. Obese children on his shoes?Copy !req
34. Could he not afford ski rental? Hmm.
Standing too close to a steam rally.Copy !req
35. Or something.Copy !req
36. He must want to lean forward. Yes!
Leaning over something.Copy !req
37. He leant forward better than anyone
of his generation. One of the truly
great entertainers of his age.Copy !req
38. Leano! This is what Jacques Tati
said of him.Copy !req
39. "His performance was the foundation
for everything that has been
realised in comedy on the screen."Copy !req
40. I know. NOT Michael Barrymore!
Sir Bernard Ingham.Copy !req
41. Not Sir Bernard Ingham.
Rolf Harris. Bill Oddie.Copy !req
42. One of the great comedians.
Dan Leno.Copy !req
43. No. That would be appropriate.
If I tell you he was born
Harry Relph it won't mean much.Copy !req
44. He was the 16th child
of a 77-year-old pub landlord.Copy !req
45. The Blacksmith's Arms, from whom
we get these original shoes.Copy !req
46. He was very short.Copy !req
47. Little Tommy Twat.Copy !req
48. He was so short
that his stage name is now used
to describe short people.Copy !req
49. Very Little Tommy Twat. Lofty?
Everyone at school was called Lofty.Copy !req
50. Little Tich!
Who I've never heard of!Copy !req
51. Of whom you should have heard.
I'm going back in here.Copy !req
52. He was born with webbed hands and
stopped growing at the age of 10.Copy !req
53. So he was very short
and he had 12 fingers and 12 toes.Copy !req
54. And stupid shoes. But, no, to be
fair. I know you will mock him,Copy !req
55. but he will be remembered
long after we are forgotten.Copy !req
56. In 200 years' time,
when Jeremy Clarkson and Stephen Fry
mean nothing... Oh, come on!Copy !req
57. Jeremy will be remembered.
"We are now landing
at Stephen Fry Airport."Copy !req
58. That'd be Lord Fry Airport. I wish!Copy !req
59. This is a film made by a man
called Clement-Maurice in 1900.Copy !req
60. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
61. Jesus, it's Rowan Atkinson!Copy !req
62. The audience are crapping themselves.Copy !req
63. Brilliant.Copy !req
64. Has everyone else gone into a coma?Copy !req
65. He's funnier than I've ever been
or any of you.Copy !req
66. Stephen, he's not funny.Copy !req
67. No, he's great. Truly great.
He just had stupid shoes!Copy !req
68. He was an influence on Chaplin,
Buster Keaton...Copy !req
69. He was actually doing brilliant
stand-up while he did that.Copy !req
70. Obviously it was silent.
It was 1900. He was a great man.Copy !req
71. And gave his name to short people,
which is an extraordinary
achievement, so popular was he.Copy !req
72. I shall remove Little Tich's shoes
in sorrow that you're not impressed.Copy !req
73. He was the first tich and famous
for his Big Boots dance. What did
Roland the Farter do for a living?Copy !req
74. "The Entertainer"Copy !req
75. Yes, Bill? He was a sniper.Copy !req
76. He was rubbish at it.
"Got him in my sight... Prrp!
Oh, no, I've been rumbled again.Copy !req
77. "Abort! Abort!"Copy !req
78. It's not funny, is it, farting?
I happen to agree,Copy !req
79. but Henry II thought
it was so funny that he granted
Roland the Farter 30 acresCopy !req
80. and his payment was
that on Christmas Day
he had to jump about and fart.Copy !req
81. I really don't like the smell
of farting, the noise of it...Copy !req
82. The smell can be quite funny.
It ISN'T funny!Copy !req
83. My dog used to fart.
It was hilarious.Copy !req
84. He was a licensed jester and he got
a lot of money for his farting
because it amused Henry II.Copy !req
85. A friend of mine was in a very small
shop recently and the guy went...Copy !req
86. ..to the back of the shop to get
something and he did a very big fart.Copy !req
87. He thought, "What can I say
when he comes back in?"Copy !req
88. So he went, "Oh, someone's having
their breakfast." And the guy went,
"You're right! That's lovely."Copy !req
89. It's that guy. There's an act,
Mr Methane, who makes his living
by farting. Farts on demand. Yeah.Copy !req
90. Tunes. He farts tunes.
Who was the original? Le Petomane.Copy !req
91. Yes, who was a French...
Wasn't that silent? A silent farter?Copy !req
92. Not Le Petomane.
That's music coming out of his arse,
if you see what I mean.Copy !req
93. Sarah Bernhardt, the most famous
actress of the late-19th century,
was paid 8,000 francs a week.Copy !req
94. He was paid 20,000.
He was the biggest star of his day.Copy !req
95. He had an enema every morning so as
to be pleasant to his audience.
He breathed in through his arse.Copy !req
96. He could smoke a cigarette with it
and do imitations.Copy !req
97. He would do a ripped sheet, a nun,
a bricklayer. A nun?Copy !req
98. He'd do a nun... farting.Copy !req
99. So we move away from farting
because it doesn't please Jeremy.Copy !req
100. Jesters were expected to be
warriors. There were two jesters
at the Battle of Hastings.Copy !req
101. Their names were
Turold and Taillefer. They're named
on the Bayeux Tapestry,Copy !req
102. so they must have been important.
They're usually dwarves.
Taillefer rode out in frontCopy !req
103. and he tossed his sword high
and basically juggled with it.Copy !req
104. One of the English emerged to laugh
and he cut his head off.Copy !req
105. This encouraged the Norman army,
who went on to win the battle.Copy !req
106. So they were celebrated
on the tapestry. Tough crowd, that.Copy !req
107. Very tough room. There's a further
part of the panel that says,
"William comforteth his troops."Copy !req
108. It shows William the Conqueror
sticking a spear up the arse
of one of his men.Copy !req
109. "Comforteth" didn't mean
what it means now. It meant bugger.
It didn't mean bugger, really!Copy !req
110. Exhort. Encourage. Encourage.Copy !req
111. Yes. "Go on!"Copy !req
112. "Come forth." Yeah.Copy !req
113. Roland the Farter was given
an entire parish for farting
once a year for the king.Copy !req
114. This was before property prices
exploded. God knows what he'd need
to do now for that amount of land.Copy !req
115. Who is the only athlete in the
history of the Olympic Games to get
mentioned in the closing ceremony?Copy !req
116. Achilles? No, the modern Olympiads.
Paula Radcliffe. Not Paula.Copy !req
117. Eddie the Eagle. Right answer!Copy !req
118. What year was it?Copy !req
119. '92? '88?Copy !req
120. '88 is absolutely right.
What was his discipline? Ski jump.Copy !req
121. He embodied the spirit.
He just fell off the end of it.Copy !req
122. There was nothing wrong with it!
Could you do this? And they laughed!Copy !req
123. Look - why?
You didn't laugh at Little Tich!Copy !req
124. If he'd put his own hat on...Copy !req
125. Juan Antonia Samaranch,
the leader of the IOC, said,Copy !req
126. "At this Olympic Games
some competitors have won gold
and some have broken recordsCopy !req
127. "and one has even flown
like an eagle."Like an eagle!"Copy !req
128. But sadly they then legislated
so that people like Eddie would not
be able to participate any more.Copy !req
129. In order to participate,
you had to be in the top 30% in your
competition or one of the top 50.Copy !req
130. And so it closed the gate
on inspired amateurs like Eddie,Copy !req
131. which is surely against the spirit.
He wore glasses, which frosted up!Copy !req
132. He was in a country that has no
ski jumps, in England. He practised
with no ski jumps to practise on.Copy !req
133. Off the roof of his house. Probably!Copy !req
134. Why was he picked for the team?
There wasn't anyone else.
He was the only one who volunteered.Copy !req
135. "I'll have a go!"
Now who else was a double E?
Not just Eddie the Eagle.Copy !req
136. There was another one a few years
later. A swimmer... Eric the Eel,
from Equatorial Guinea.Copy !req
137. They were putting the lights out.Copy !req
138. Bless him. When he arrived... I'm
not wishing to sound patronising,
but I just said, "Bless him."Copy !req
139. He only learnt to swim
eight months before the Olympics.Copy !req
140. And he'd never seen an Olympic pool
before he stood on the edge.Copy !req
141. "Bloody hell! It's miles!"Copy !req
142. Exactly. Well, there you are.Copy !req
143. Eddie the Eagle, who despite his
entertainment value, resulted in
a rule excluding colourful amateurs.Copy !req
144. I can't imagine anything less in
keeping with the ethos of the Games.Copy !req
145. What's wrong
with these ballet dancers?Copy !req
146. It's all a bit sinister, really.Copy !req
147. It is. Very sinister,
like a circus ringmaster.Copy !req
148. The ballet is called The Circus
Polka. What's wrong with it?Copy !req
149. I'll give you a hint because I've
been very cruel about this thing
for the last few weeks.Copy !req
150. The wrong kind of species
is dancing. It should be bears.Copy !req
151. Not bears. Elephants, tigers...
Hello? Elephants!Copy !req
152. You see! Oh, really!
I had to lead you by the trunk,
but Jeremy gets points.Copy !req
153. Alan came in on your coat tails!
They should be elephants.Copy !req
154. It was written for an elephant
ballet. Ringling Brothers Circus
had commissioned Balanchine,Copy !req
155. the great ballet choreographer, and
Igor Stravinsky to write the music
for an elephant ballet.Copy !req
156. It was performed in 1942
in Madison Square Garden
with elephants in tutus.Copy !req
157. I wish they'd run amok.
That would have been hilarious.
It would have been fun.Copy !req
158. Well, they kind of did, actually.
I don't know if you know Stravinsky
particularly well... No.Copy !req
159. .. but it's not melodic and soft.
They were used to doing waltzes.
When they heard the music,Copy !req
160. they exhibited their pain!
Their ears flapped wildly.Copy !req
161. And they shat everywhere.
Exactly. Like on Blue Peter.Copy !req
162. It ran for 425 performances
in Madison Square Garden.Copy !req
163. Anyway, what's wrong with them?
They aren't elephants.
The English National Ballet are.Copy !req
164. Elephants? Are they?
Have you ever seen them?Copy !req
165. I went to watch them at Oxford
and as they all landed...Copy !req
166. If you go to the Royal Ballet...
It sounds like I go all the time.Copy !req
167. The case for the prosecution is
building. I do go a bit.Copy !req
168. When they landed, you couldn't hear
the music. Big thumps. Crash!Copy !req
169. That's why ballet is disappointing.
They come down again with a puff
of resin and a creak of stage board.Copy !req
170. It's so disappointing. And the
theatre is 4,500 degrees Centigrade,
the melting point of titanium.Copy !req
171. It's so they don't all freeze up.
It's an incredibly miserable
experience.Copy !req
172. People jumping up and down
making a lot of noise and boiling.
And they are treated like shit.Copy !req
173. The corps de ballet,
if they're not the stars.Copy !req
174. They keep them in pits.
Underground. "Get down there!"Copy !req
175. And they work so bloody hard.
Because they do a great many balletsCopy !req
176. and they don't know what part they're
going to play when they turn up.
And they've got no toenails.Copy !req
177. Girls who go through ballet school
don't menstruate until 19 or 20.
Completely screws their bodies up.Copy !req
178. That's quite a pervy thing to say.
It's a physiological fact.Copy !req
179. They get bone structure problems.
It's a miserable thing.Copy !req
180. Bark. They feed them bark.
They have to gnaw on bark.Copy !req
181. So what was wrong with those ballet
dancers is... they weren't elephants.
And so to e-commerce.Copy !req
182. Children, each of you has a website
and I want you to convince me
to buy something from it.Copy !req
183. Let me know what your website
provides. We start with Jo.
This is a real website.Copy !req
184. Tell me what you can offer me.
Is that whore presents?
Well, you tell me.Copy !req
185. Whore presents. So what is it?
It's a very handy course
of antibiotics.Copy !req
186. This round is about people
who seem rather word blind.Copy !req
187. If I'm having a charity dinner
and want Jeremy to speak at it,
I need to find out who his agent is.Copy !req
188. Who Represents? That's it.Copy !req
189. And there you are. That's
apparently Jo being an agent!Copy !req
190. Extraordinary. I look quite thin
and attractive there.Copy !req
191. You always look attractive, Jo.
But not thin, StephenCopy !req
192. Bill, let's look at your website.
What do you think this website
can furnish me with?Copy !req
193. Right.Copy !req
194. I see what's happened there.Copy !req
195. Expert sex change.com.
You don't even know
it's happened to you!Copy !req
196. You take your pants off...
"Hang on!" I popped in for a coffee
and came out as a lady.Copy !req
197. You're absolutely right.
It is Experts ExchangeCopy !req
198. where experts get together
to exchange, in a networking way...Copy !req
199. They get in touch with one another.Copy !req
200. There's Bill
running the experts exchange.Copy !req
201. "Hello! This is Middle Earth 12."Copy !req
202. Jeremy,
what does your website offer?Copy !req
203. They really didn't think that
through at all, did they?Copy !req
204. "I've lost my rapist!"Copy !req
205. "There's been a rape, Sarge."
"I'll just find it..."Copy !req
206. It's better than the other way round.
Oh, horrible! Therapist finder!Copy !req
207. Can't be doing with therapists.
Put them to the rapist finder.Copy !req
208. The rapist finder is in California
and it is for finding therapists,
presumably.Copy !req
209. Well, it is. And that's...
There you are, you see?Copy !req
210. Captured on the couch. Now, Alan,
your site, what does it offer?Copy !req
211. Penises. Unhappy with your own
penis? Come to Penis Land.net.Copy !req
212. For your new penis.Copy !req
213. Can you donate penises?
You can donate your organ... Well...Copy !req
214. Kidneys, liver. The thing
about Penis Land is it's a lot
smaller than it looks on the map.Copy !req
215. Yes, Penis Land is, of course...Copy !req
216. Pen Island? Pen Island is a place
where... Pens live.
..ink-fuelled writing tools...Copy !req
217. A little desk midget!Copy !req
218. "Would you like your pen now?"
"Why, thank you!"Copy !req
219. There are other websites
you might find.Copy !req
220. The Speed of Art website -
speedofart.com.Copy !req
221. And PowerGen of Italy -
powergenitalia.Copy !req
222. And so there are people on the web
who don't quite have a sense
of how language works.Copy !req
223. Now the part where our guests fall
into the lens-grinding machine
of general ignoranceCopy !req
224. and make spectacles of themselves.
Thank you, one audience member.Copy !req
225. An optician.
Yeah, an optician. Exactly.Copy !req
226. Suppose you shaved a lion
and a tiger until they were both
as bald as an egg.Copy !req
227. How would you tell which is which?
"The Entertainer"Copy !req
228. The tiger would be the same size,
but the lion would be
the size of a squirrel.Copy !req
229. It's mainly hair.Copy !req
230. It's a good thought.
There is a more obvious way.Copy !req
231. If you strip them until they were
just skeletons, it would be
incredibly hard to tell.Copy !req
232. Almost identical. But if you just
shaved them, you would know.Copy !req
233. It's a rather odd thing.
Stripy skin? Yes.Copy !req
234. The tiger has stripy skin
as well as fur.Copy !req
235. The lion would just be bald
and white and the tiger has stripes.Copy !req
236. I took my nephews to London Zoo.
A friend of ours
is a zoo keeper thereCopy !req
237. and she can get you in the back.Copy !req
238. We went to see a lion
and they said, "There's some mesh,
small mesh and big mesh.Copy !req
239. "You must stand on the side
where the big mesh is.
Don't go near the small mesh.Copy !req
240. "Do you understand?" And the kids
went... We went in and my nephew
said to me, "What's mesh?"Copy !req
241. I was in Brazil. I went
into an enclosure with a Jaguar
and there was this handler,Copy !req
242. a Brazilian, and he said to me,
"Always approach from the front."
And I went, "Right."Copy !req
243. And I was just getting closer
to the front of it and then he said,
"Oh, sorry! NEVER. Sorry!Copy !req
244. "Sorry.Copy !req
245. "Sorry!Copy !req
246. "My English! Oh!"Copy !req
247. "Never and always!"
"Never and always! Ugh!Copy !req
248. "We lose a lot like that."Copy !req
249. Anyway, that's true.
Tigers are stripy under their fur.Copy !req
250. Brian.Copy !req
251. Squiddy Poo. Squidster.
The Squidmeister. The kraken?Copy !req
252. Very good. It's the giant squid,
but there's even bigger.
It was a legendary sea monster.Copy !req
253. The enormous squid. Enormo-squid.
Keep going. Mega-squid.Copy !req
254. Ginormous squid. You'll get there.
Who said that? Colossus!
It's the colossal squid.Copy !req
255. Well done, audience.Copy !req
256. The colossal squid,
also known as the Antarctic squid,Copy !req
257. is believed to be the largest squid
species and largest invertebrate.Copy !req
258. Its eyes, as are the giant squid's,
are about a foot in diameter,
the eyes.Copy !req
259. It can be up to 46 feet long.Copy !req
260. If they were calamari, the rings
would be the size of tractor tyres.Copy !req
261. Delicious! And taste of ammonia.
Not good. Not so good.Copy !req
262. They're preyed upon by sperm whales,
many of which carry scars,Copy !req
263. caused by the hooks
of these colossal squids.Copy !req
264. One was caught recently and taken
to New Zealand in a block of ice.
It was thawed in a microwave.Copy !req
265. How do they get that in a microwave?
That is a good point. "Eugh!Copy !req
266. "Get the door shut!
There's a tentacle!" It was
a big microwave, possibly. Bing!Copy !req
267. If they heated it, the outer bit
would have rotted while the centre
bits would still be frozen.Copy !req
268. It was so vast,
they had to use microwaves. So
a large thing, the colossal squid.Copy !req
269. A final question now
would be appropriate.Copy !req
270. You come down to breakfast and your
goldfish is floating on its side.
What's the matter with it?Copy !req
271. You got it from a fairground.Copy !req
272. It's dead.Copy !req
273. It's not dead? No.
So when I flushed it...? A lot
of people throw away living ones.Copy !req
274. It's asleep? They're stunned.Copy !req
275. Or ill. Their balance is all wrong.
Yes! Where do they get balance from?Copy !req
276. Their swim bladder. Yes.
It's swim bladder disorder.Copy !req
277. If they're overfed,
they get constipationCopy !req
278. and it affects their swim bladder
and they lie completely still.
A lot of people think they're dead.Copy !req
279. With three days of no food,
they usually get all better. Yeah.Copy !req
280. It's very easy to overfeed
a goldfish. Their stomach is
the same size as their eyes. Tiny.Copy !req
281. We had this happen to our fish.
One morning they were on their side,
like they were drunk.Copy !req
282. We thought the cat
or the heron had had a go at them.Copy !req
283. A pet heron? Not a pet heron, no.
That would be foolish, really.Copy !req
284. No... Had you given them,
like, a burger the night before?Copy !req
285. Thrown a curry!
Had you overfed them? Slightly, yes.Copy !req
286. Some children had been round
and they love feeding the fish.Copy !req
287. "Aaaargh." The fish was stuffed.
And they're fine now.Copy !req
288. We had a terrible heron problem.
It kept eating the fish.Copy !req
289. So we put mesh over...
Your nephew would have no idea.Copy !req
290. That was no good. He got through.Copy !req
291. Eventually we tried to put
a fake heron, to be the solution,
but it attracted three or four...Copy !req
292. They were circling around going,
"Cor! She's gorgeous!Copy !req
293. "She's so still.
She just stands there. So still."
So we got rid of the fake heron.Copy !req
294. We got a fake crocodile for £7.99.
Works a treat! Herons are terrified!Copy !req
295. Brilliant. Works an absolute treat.
Just below the surface.
And the goldfish don't mind?Copy !req
296. No, they're fine. When my father
had some fish, which he loved,
they were that long and gold.Copy !req
297. I suppose they were goldfish.Copy !req
298. He used to watch them
and I thought it would be nice one
birthday to get him some more fish,Copy !req
299. so I went and found these things
called Ghost Koi. We've got them.Copy !req
300. In the washing-up bowl they sell them
in, they're plainly visible
with quite nice markings.Copy !req
301. I got half a dozen of those,
took them home, put them in the pond
where they completely disappear!Copy !req
302. You can't see them. Gone.
But they kill all other fish.Copy !req
303. So my father was then left
with a puddle full of invisible fish
and all his fish were dead.Copy !req
304. The least successful
birthday present ever.Copy !req
305. And that brings us to the scores.
Tonight's entertainer extraordinaire
with four points is Jeremy Clarkson!Copy !req
306. Four! Four?Copy !req
307. Only just behind with two points,
Jo Brand!Copy !req
308. And we have two end-tertainers
because, tying in last place,
Bill Bailey and Alan DaviesCopy !req
309. on minus six!Copy !req
310. The really big winners tonight
are all the children you'll help.Copy !req
311. Call 08457 33 22 33
and tell them QI sent you.Copy !req
312. That's all from Bill, Jo,
Jeremy, Alan, Pudsey and me.Copy !req
313. Here is a thought from Noel Coward.Copy !req
314. "People are wrong when they say
opera is not what it used to be.Copy !req
315. "It is exactly what it used to be.
That is what is wrong with it."
Good night.Copy !req