1. Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,
good evening.Copy !req
2. Welcome to QI-spy...Copy !req
3. where tonight,
the codeword is es-pion-age.Copy !req
4. Concealed amongst you
are four masters of disguise.Copy !req
5. Special Agent, Jo Brand!Copy !req
6. Undercover man, Clive Anderson.Copy !req
7. Counter intelligence operative,
Vic Reeves.Copy !req
8. And the spy in the ointment,
Alan Davies.Copy !req
9. Please identify yourself by your
call signs. Jo goes...Copy !req
10. Clive goes...Copy !req
11. Vic goes...Copy !req
12. Alan goes...Copy !req
13. "I spy with my little eye!"Copy !req
14. And remember in series E,
the watchword is constant vigilance.Copy !req
15. If you spy an elephant
in the room...Copy !req
16. .. inform your handler immediately.Copy !req
17. Do you know how
to beat a lie detector?Copy !req
18. Jo.Copy !req
19. Spot of gentle masturbation?Copy !req
20. There is a... there's a kind
of logic in what you're saying.
Can you expand, as it were?Copy !req
21. You know what I mean.Copy !req
22. Why would that help?Copy !req
23. Because you'd get yourself
into a slightly different
state of consciousness,Copy !req
24. so you would fool the lie detector
into thinking that something
was going on, that wasn't.Copy !req
25. I don't think that'll work, cos
if you're rubbing your genitalsCopy !req
26. or they're in a state of excitement,
you lie naturally anyway!Copy !req
27. It'll be obvious whatever
you say is a lie. "I do love you".Copy !req
28. What's it called, a stenograph?
It's a polygraph.Copy !req
29. It tests the... detects your sweat...
There are a number of things,Copy !req
30. sweat, palpitations, vibrations
in the body and various clenchings
of muscles and so on.Copy !req
31. To see how it works you have
to ask people a series of questions
to which they don't lie.Copy !req
32. Like their name and address.
These are control questions.Copy !req
33. If you want to beat it,
when you're being asked your name,
behave as if you were lying.Copy !req
34. In other words, either think
very exciting thoughts or clench
your anal sphincter.Copy !req
35. A lot of these things have a pad
which senses involuntary clenches
of the sphincter.Copy !req
36. Which is a sign, apparently,
of lying. Is itCopy !req
37. If you do it when you tell the
truth, they're thrown when you lie.Copy !req
38. It's odd, cos on this programme,
I've always got this, sitting,
waiting for the next question.Copy !req
39. They could calibrate my
anal sphincter. But you would
stand up in court.Copy !req
40. You can't use them in court
in this country. No, you can't.Copy !req
41. They are simply nonsense.Copy !req
42. The FBI have said they're as much
use as astrology and tea leaves.Copy !req
43. Do you remember who invented
the polygraph machine?Copy !req
44. Polly Graph, herself. His name was
William Marston, and he was
the inventor of Wonder Woman.Copy !req
45. That's fantastic! A fantastic
range of things - Wonder Woman
and the polygraph!Copy !req
46. A wide spectrum, exactly.
A wide spectrum will give you away!Copy !req
47. That's the first thing
they're looking for!Copy !req
48. You have to contract
your anal sphincter,Copy !req
49. I say "anal sphincter" because
there are lots of sphincters
in the body.Copy !req
50. Why are you concentrating
on the anal one? That's
where the detector is.Copy !req
51. A detective? A detect-or.Copy !req
52. It's always the youngest one,
"Right, you're underneath."
"Why me?"Copy !req
53. I've heard of going undercover
but this is ridiculous.Copy !req
54. "Is he clenching?"No, not yet."
You have to tighten the sphincter...Copy !req
55. "No, nothing yet, sir."Copy !req
56. "Hang on."Copy !req
57. Can you do it without
clenching your buttocks?Copy !req
58. Can I do it without
clenching my buttocks?Copy !req
59. The little practise needed
so you can tighten your sphincterCopy !req
60. but don't clench your buttocks.Copy !req
61. I'm strengthening my pelvic floor,
I know I am.Copy !req
62. Doing that? Yes, yes.Copy !req
63. What's this pad look like?
Has it got a tube?Copy !req
64. I'm doing it now, I'm doing it now!
Do I look like I'm lying?Copy !req
65. Try not to roll your eyes.
I'm gripping quite hard on the seat.Copy !req
66. The other way to beat the test
is to relax completely.Copy !req
67. A man called Aldridge Ames,
a double agent who worked
for the SovietsCopy !req
68. but was also a CIA operative...Copy !req
69. He beat the polygraph twice.
He was nervousCopy !req
70. when he was going to be examined by
the CIA, who were sort of on to him.Copy !req
71. His Soviet handler said,
get a good night's sleep and rest.Copy !req
72. Be nice to the polygraph examiner,
develop a rapport.Copy !req
73. Be co-operative and try
and maintain your calm.Copy !req
74. And that was enough
to beat it twice.Copy !req
75. You'll certainly be nice
to the one shoving the thing
up your anal sphincter.Copy !req
76. You'd be pathetic with gratitudeCopy !req
77. Apparently the key
to beating the lie detectorCopy !req
78. is a discreet flexing
of your anal sphincter.Copy !req
79. What's the best way to trick
a female spy into exposing herself?Copy !req
80. The best known
female spy was Mata Hari.Copy !req
81. You didn't need to get her to expose
herself cos she'd already done it.Copy !req
82. Before she was a spy,
she was a bit of an exotic dancer.Copy !req
83. I meant expose herself in purely
innocent terms -Copy !req
84. reveal herself to be a spy
from another country.Copy !req
85. For example, this was actually
discovered by Heinrich Muller,
the head of the Gestapo.Copy !req
86. Do you have sexual intercourse
with her and she cries out
in her original language?Copy !req
87. You're so close. I don't care if I'm
right or not, I just want to try it.Copy !req
88. Unfortunately,
there is a nine month gap.Copy !req
89. You get her pregnant, then if she's
from Sweden she says,Copy !req
90. "I'd like to call the baby, Leif".
Then you know.Copy !req
91. According to the Gestapo,
when a woman...Copy !req
92. Birth pain brings out
your original language. Exactly.Copy !req
93. When a woman screams with birth
pain...Copy !req
94. .. she can't help
doing it in her own language.Copy !req
95. It's not
terribly efficient, time wise.Copy !req
96. We need to know where
the bomb has been planted.Copy !req
97. Just a minute, sir.
I'll get it out of her.Copy !req
98. It obviously is a wait.Copy !req
99. That is the disadvantage but
a female Russian radio operator,Copy !req
100. operating in Germany, during
World War Two, was exposed
this way, when pregnant.Copy !req
101. She couldn't help swearing
in Russian having been taken
to be a German.Copy !req
102. Heinrich Muller was probably
the only senior Nazi to escape
completely without trace.Copy !req
103. He walked out of the furherbunker
29th of April 1945, and was never
seen or heard of again.Copy !req
104. Until tonight
Until tonight, I believe!Copy !req
105. Ha, ha, ha, ha.Copy !req
106. What did Harry Houdini hide,
behind the mirror?Copy !req
107. We know he was killed by somebody
punching him in the stomach.Copy !req
108. Doing one of his usual tricks...Copy !req
109. I think he hid one of those!Copy !req
110. You are right!Copy !req
111. Well done!Copy !req
112. Elephant in the room.
Very good, indeed.Copy !req
113. How did he hide
an elephant behind a mirror?Copy !req
114. It was his greatest stage illusion.Copy !req
115. He was said to be
not a very good magician.Copy !req
116. Partly because of his
tiresome personality and he had
no panache on stage.Copy !req
117. Can't think of any magicians
like that todayCopy !req
118. He was obviously a great
escapologistCopy !req
119. but he brought this elephant,
called Jenny, on to stageCopy !req
120. and instantly she disappeared.
It was a remarkable trick.
No-one knew how he did it.Copy !req
121. He didn't reveal the secret.
But...Copy !req
122. The elephant knew!
He forgot, he forgot.Copy !req
123. Houdini's quoted as saying,Copy !req
124. "Even the elephant doesn't
know how it's done".Copy !req
125. Essentially, it involved a mirror
folding back that revealedCopy !req
126. an identically done box
in the flies of the thing.Copy !req
127. It reflected back and made
it look as if you were looking
at an empty crate.Copy !req
128. All done with mirrors.
All done with mirrors!Copy !req
129. It was impressive for those
who sat in the right place.Copy !req
130. The best things he did...Copy !req
131. Houdini would go around the place
exposing frauds. That's what
he was really good at.Copy !req
132. You're right! He knew when people
were conning people.Copy !req
133. Like all magicians, obviously
they only have to look at someoneCopy !req
134. who claims to be a mind reader
and you know,Copy !req
135. they're just using magic. It's what
Derren Brown does and James Randy
in the US.Copy !req
136. Who did Harry Houdini
come in combative relations to?Copy !req
137. There was a great man of the age,
who rather tragically did believe
in spiritualism and mediums.Copy !req
138. It was a Briton.
Wasn't Conan Doyle, was it?Copy !req
139. It was, the creator
of Sherlock Holmes,Copy !req
140. who sadly devoted the last 20-30
years of his life believing
in fairies and spiritualism.Copy !req
141. Houdini was foursquare against it,Copy !req
142. but it was a period when a lot of
people did believe in these things.Copy !req
143. There's a great story about
Conan Doyle.Copy !req
144. Just for a joke one day,
he wrote a note saying,Copy !req
145. "We are discovered,
flee immediately."Copy !req
146. He sent it to five friends
to see what they would do -
one of them disappeared!Copy !req
147. And they had no idea why
but they never saw him again!Copy !req
148. So, Houdini, as you were saying.
He was punched in the stomach
by a student,Copy !req
149. whose name was J Gordon Whitehead.Copy !req
150. Apparently he wasn't ready,Copy !req
151. cos he'd claimed he could
be punched at any time
by anyone and could take it.Copy !req
152. This guy just tapped him on the
shoulder and went like that, before
he could tense his muscles.Copy !req
153. Supposedly that's what ruptured
something and caused peritonitis.Copy !req
154. It's now believed he might have had
appendicitis already so it merely
exacerbated it.Copy !req
155. Didn't make the student feel
any better.Copy !req
156. There's been a recent demand
to have his body exhumed...
You'd never get it out.Copy !req
157. Never get it out of the coffin.Copy !req
158. It won't be in there.Copy !req
159. They want to test it for poison
because there are those who believeCopy !req
160. that spiritualists poisoned him for
giving them such a bad name.Copy !req
161. Can you test bones for poison?
Yes, because the hair which never
goes away...Copy !req
162. That's what you think.Copy !req
163. Very good!Copy !req
164. Houdini was remarkable. He could
pick up pins with his eyelashes.Copy !req
165. Eyelashes still attached
to his eyes. I could do that.Copy !req
166. You're pretty extraordinary too.
Not much of a stage act, is it?Copy !req
167. It was a technique
he used through his escapology.Copy !req
168. When he was naked
and bound and in a cell.Copy !req
169. He probably managed to get to
the cell beforehand and leave pinsCopy !req
170. that he could then pick up,
manoeuvre to his mouth, then use.Copy !req
171. He could undo knots and thread
a needle with his toes.Copy !req
172. With his feet, yes.
No, penis.Copy !req
173. With his penis, I'm sorry.Copy !req
174. I'm sorry, I misread, I misread.
No, it is actually toes.Copy !req
175. On this occasion you're not right.
I don't know how that could be.Copy !req
176. Anyway, Houdini hid an elephant
in the hippodrome and never told
anybody where he'd put it.Copy !req
177. How can you tell when you've
run out of invisible ink?
I'll never!Copy !req
178. Don't you discover invisible ink
by putting lemon on it?Copy !req
179. It is lemon. Well, you
put something on it to make...Copy !req
180. ..you heat it up? You'd have
to keep heating it and check,
"Oh, that's all right."Copy !req
181. Popular household ones
are lemon and milk oddly enough.Copy !req
182. The man who founded MI6, whose code
name was C. He was a very eccentric
and extraordinary man.Copy !req
183. He discovered something else
that could work as invisible ink.Copy !req
184. Something that all his spies...
Semen! carried around with them.Copy !req
185. Exactly! He said,
"Every man has his own stylo."Copy !req
186. His name, rather pleasingly,
was Mansfield Smith-Cumming.Copy !req
187. It's all true. My name is Cumming,
Mansfield Smith Cumming.Copy !req
188. I imagine he couldn't even write
his own name. It was a bit long.Copy !req
189. True.Copy !req
190. Just do a "C".Copy !req
191. Oh lawks!Copy !req
192. He could do it on the ceiling.
When he was a younger man obviously.Copy !req
193. Yes, obviously!Copy !req
194. Dear, oh dear!Copy !req
195. There's a painting by Marcel Duchamp
called, The Bride Stripped...Copy !req
196. Bare By The Bachelors. There's a
sort of smudge, smudgy affair on it.Copy !req
197. He was in love with this woman,
he had an affair with her
for a long timeCopy !req
198. and when he thought of her
he filled one of his paint pots...Copy !req
199. with his thoughts.Copy !req
200. They analysed the painting,
which was between two pieces of glassCopy !req
201. and they analysed the smudge
and it's just a huge amount of semen.Copy !req
202. He knew what that painting
was about and no-one else did.Copy !req
203. It's a gift to his loved oneCopy !req
204. Do you know that story
of the Pittsburgh bank robber?Copy !req
205. He was arrested
while robbing a bank.Copy !req
206. He was seen squinting rather
oddly on a surveillance camera
in the bank.Copy !req
207. He was astonished
to be stopped by the police.Copy !req
208. He said, "How did you see me?
I had lemon juice over my face".Copy !req
209. Somebody told him,Copy !req
210. if he covered himself in lemon
juice, he'd be invisible.Copy !req
211. This was in 1995, bless him!Copy !req
212. You can also get rid of
a port wine stain, with lemon.Copy !req
213. Can you? NO!Copy !req
214. I fall for it every time!
It's pathetic, isn't it?
Dear, oh dear!Copy !req
215. Anyway... invisible ink.Copy !req
216. The answer to a question we can't
tell anybody has ever asked.Copy !req
217. Something more
tangible now, however.Copy !req
218. How did loo paper
help to win the Cold War?Copy !req
219. Was there a shortage of loo paper
in the eastern part of the world?Copy !req
220. There was a shortage
behind the Iron Curtain.Copy !req
221. The loo paper was
made in America, let's say,Copy !req
222. and they didn't let
the Russians have any.Copy !req
223. That would've been clever.
What happened is, the Russians
instead used documents...Copy !req
224. .. and all kinds of things
for loo paper because there was
nothing else to use.Copy !req
225. A operation called Operation
Tamarisk, meant that the spies
behind the Iron CurtainCopy !req
226. had to go into these bins and
find the paper that had been used.Copy !req
227. It wasn't soluble and couldn't
be used in the sewage system.
It was thrown out in bins.Copy !req
228. Gone right off spying, now.
You see!Copy !req
229. I used to think it was glamorous.
It's not all glamour!Copy !req
230. In military hospitals, the paper
refuse they went through also
contained amputated limbs.Copy !req
231. The spies complained to their
handlers in the US, UK and France,Copy !req
232. "It's horrible, we've got
to go through bins,
there's amputated limbs.Copy !req
233. "We've to go through those
and used lavatory paper."Copy !req
234. Their spymaster said, "Bring back
the limbs to see what shrapnel
they're using."Copy !req
235. They had to carry around
severed limbs and excreted matter.Copy !req
236. If they were stopped at customs,
"Could you just open the bag?"Copy !req
237. It's a bit of a shock,
even for a customs officer,
who's seen everything.Copy !req
238. It's for personal use!Copy !req
239. According to The Hidden Hand,
by Richard Aldridge,Copy !req
240. a book that covers this,
it says that operation Tamarisk
was very successful.Copy !req
241. Maybe without it, we'd still
have Communist Russia, who knows?Copy !req
242. But how would you use gummy bears
to rob a bank?Copy !req
243. Pass them over.Copy !req
244. I need to look at them.
I thought you might!Copy !req
245. Might take a handful myself,
I happen to be rather partial.Copy !req
246. Mmmm... aren't they good?Copy !req
247. What I would do... is sneak up
behind the bank clerksCopy !req
248. and push them into their eyes.Copy !req
249. Perhaps on a hot day,
so they couldn't peel them off.Copy !req
250. I'd just go
and rifle through the drawers.Copy !req
251. Any other thoughts?Copy !req
252. Simple bribery.Copy !req
253. Not much people wouldn't
do for a gummy bear.Copy !req
254. Gimme the money! "No!"
Gummy bear? "Oh-oh-oh..."Copy !req
255. Bring them to life
and use them as a tiny jelly army.Copy !req
256. At last! I want to see that.Copy !req
257. If you stuck them all over your face
they could be a brilliant disguise.Copy !req
258. You'd just look like an idiot with
lots of sweets stuck to your face.Copy !req
259. It would be called
barefaced cheek, wouldn't it?Copy !req
260. Sorry.Copy !req
261. Can you use them as some
kind of plastic explosive?Copy !req
262. Are they in that family?Copy !req
263. Well, not gelignite,
but what are they made of?Copy !req
264. Gelatine. Gelatine. Gelatine, yes.Copy !req
265. If you melt them down...
You can make a whale.Copy !req
266. A Japanese cryptographer,
whose name is Tsutomu Matsumoto,Copy !req
267. has found that he can fool
80% of all fingerprint detectors,Copy !req
268. using a fake finger,
made from gummy bears.Copy !req
269. You get someone's finger,
you dip it in the mould material.Copy !req
270. You make a mould then pour
the gelatine into the mouldCopy !req
271. and you've got yourself
a little gummy finger.Copy !req
272. They make you do that when
you go to America.Copy !req
273. Yes, they do. So you've got to get
the bank manager to put his finger
in your gum, first?Copy !req
274. He was doing it as an experiment.Copy !req
275. But he's discovered with the same
rate of success, all he has to do,Copy !req
276. is take someone's fingerprint
photographed off glass and
he can make a gummy finger.Copy !req
277. So there, an unwilling person...
Or you can use a monkey.Copy !req
278. How, Alan?Copy !req
279. They've got fingerprints.Copy !req
280. You must have fingerprints that
are recognised by the machineCopy !req
281. so the monkey that runs that
particular company that you want
to get into...Copy !req
282. What would happen if you worked
in the pineapple industry?Copy !req
283. Free pineapples.Copy !req
284. Yes, but can you think
of anything related to your
fingerprints and pineapples?Copy !req
285. They get... they get... quite spiky?Copy !req
286. They are spiky, true.Copy !req
287. The pineapple is the only fruit
to have fingerprints.Copy !req
288. It has an enzyme,
which is called Bromelin.Copy !req
289. Cos they're bromeliads,
aren't they, pineapples?Copy !req
290. Bromelin erases the fingerprints
of people who work with pineapples.Copy !req
291. It was used as a plot point
in an episode of Hawaii Five-0.Copy !req
292. Episode one, I should think.Copy !req
293. Pineapples are supposed to be very
good if you've got mouth ulcers.Copy !req
294. That would, I assume,
be the same sort of process.Copy !req
295. Seizing up your mouth ulcers,
removing your fingerprints.Copy !req
296. Proteolysis, it's called,
the eating of proteins by enzymes.Copy !req
297. So if I left my fingers in a tin
of pineapple rings overnight...Copy !req
298. ..I could become a master criminal
by morning? It's perfectly possible!Copy !req
299. He'd just have
five pineapple chunks.Copy !req
300. What are you doing?
I'm preparing for the rain.Copy !req
301. If you didn't have any fingerprints,
would you be allowed into America?Copy !req
302. Somebody without
any hands couldn't go.Copy !req
303. There'd be no
pineapple workers in America.Copy !req
304. That way madness lies, surelyCopy !req
305. What's the best thing to do,
in a falling lift?Copy !req
306. Yes, Clive.Copy !req
307. Strictly speaking, I don't know,
but I'd like to say,Copy !req
308. I once interviewed a man who had
been in a falling lift and we were
investigating the theory,Copy !req
309. which I know I'll lose
points for if I say it out loud,Copy !req
310. that by jumping up,
just before it hits the ground...Copy !req
311. You see, there it is!Copy !req
312. We were investigating this theory...Copy !req
313. It's very unfair
to forfeit you there.Copy !req
314. .. he was very deadpan about it
and he had survived this experience,Copy !req
315. and he sort of said that
jumping up may have helped.Copy !req
316. Making everyone else
in the lift lie down,Copy !req
317. so when you splat on the ground
you're cushioned by them.Copy !req
318. It's more or less what Clive
was saying.Copy !req
319. It is basically, lie on
a fat person... as you're going down.Copy !req
320. No wonder everyone smiles
when I get in the lift!Copy !req
321. Especially when you
get in and have a lie down.Copy !req
322. Long journey... Which I often doCopy !req
323. Sometimes, they give the alarming
advice, bend your knees slightlyCopy !req
324. so when you hit the ground
your thigh bones don't go up
through your abdomen.Copy !req
325. Has this ever happened?Copy !req
326. Well... yes and no.Copy !req
327. The rope snaps and you say,
"Would you mind lying down
so I can lie on you?"Copy !req
328. While hurtling to the ground.
First of all,Copy !req
329. it's an improbable scenario because
multiple cables support every lift.Copy !req
330. Each cable capable
of holding the entire lift.Copy !req
331. If they were all to go,
they have emergency brakes on them,Copy !req
332. and they have had,
since the 1850s and '60s.Copy !req
333. Don't you think they should
tell people that write thrillers
about that fact?Copy !req
334. There's no little vents
you can climb up through!Copy !req
335. What is it when there
are people who are frightened
of being in lifts?Copy !req
336. Are they frightened
of this happening?Copy !req
337. A kind of claustrophobia
mixed with that.Copy !req
338. In a skyscraper, lifts can achieve
speeds of up to 120mph by the time
it hits the bottom.Copy !req
339. But the problem with jumping is,
it might take 5mph off the 120mph.Copy !req
340. You'd have to time it perfectly,Copy !req
341. plus lifts bounce cos
there's springs at the bottom.Copy !req
342. You'd be in real trouble - you'd
bang your head and everything.Copy !req
343. Basically, just get the impact
cushioned, is the answer.Copy !req
344. There was a time when all
the cables on a lift were sheared
off, in the Empire State Building.Copy !req
345. There was a huge ape,
on the outside.Copy !req
346. And its paw was covered in this
thing... and... Dreadful, yes.Copy !req
347. It was Beauty,
brought down the liftCopy !req
348. Sounds like a murder attempt
of some sort. A criminal act?Copy !req
349. No, it was an airplane. A B25 bomber
in 1945, collided with the building.Copy !req
350. An eerie foreshadowing of 9/11,
I suppose.Copy !req
351. The only time before 9/11
such a thing had happened.Copy !req
352. Killed 11 office workers,Copy !req
353. and one of the engines broke off
and sheared through the cables
on the lift.Copy !req
354. There were two women in that lift.Copy !req
355. The brakes worked and they went all
the way to the bottom and survived,Copy !req
356. cos they slowed it right down.Copy !req
357. So, it proved Otis's point
that their safety measures
are pretty damn good.Copy !req
358. So, there you have it.Copy !req
359. The best thing to do in a falling
lift is lie on top of a fat person
like me!Copy !req
360. So, to the padded cell
of General Ignorance,Copy !req
361. where our victims protest
they know nothing,Copy !req
362. but we go ahead
and torture them anyway.Copy !req
363. In which country are
you most likely to see a tornado?Copy !req
364. "I spy with my little eye"Copy !req
365. Yes, Alan.Copy !req
366. I'm going, Russia.
It is not the right answer.Copy !req
367. Luxemburg.Copy !req
368. A wild stab in the dark,
or do you know something?Copy !req
369. I know something. It's not right.Copy !req
370. Derbyshire. It's got
to be somewhere like that.Copy !req
371. It's a country,
rather than a county.Copy !req
372. America.Copy !req
373. Oh, Jo. You fell for it!Copy !req
374. Mongolia. Ah, no. Kazakhstan.Copy !req
375. Are you going to go through
all the "stans"?Copy !req
376. Cos I'm going to say no
to them all.Copy !req
377. Can you give us a clue?
Can you give us a continent?Copy !req
378. Yes, we're in it!
Europe.Copy !req
379. We're even more in it.Copy !req
380. England!Copy !req
381. The UK is correct. Hang on, Stephen.
You've got to back this up.Copy !req
382. When did you last see a tornado...Copy !req
383. There was one in Birmingham last...
It was on the news.Copy !req
384. On the 21st November 1981,Copy !req
385. there were 104 tornados
in Britain in a single day.Copy !req
386. What date?
21st November 1981.Copy !req
387. A University of Leeds study in 2004Copy !req
388. suggested the average number
of tornados in BritainCopy !req
389. is higher than 100 a year -
one every three days.Copy !req
390. But meteorologist,
Dr Tetsuya Fujita,Copy !req
391. has the scale of tornado frequency
and incident.Copy !req
392. If Britain has an average
of 33 tornados a year,Copy !req
393. in an area 38 times
smaller than the USA.Copy !req
394. You are twice as likely to witness
a tornado in the UK than in the USA.Copy !req
395. A friend of mine lived
through that Birmingham tornado.Copy !req
396. He was on the bus the next day
and an old lady behind him
said to her mate,Copy !req
397. "D'you know what happened yesterday?
We had a torpedo."Copy !req
398. Torpedo. My torpedo's...Copy !req
399. Tornado Alley, where's that?Copy !req
400. Kansas. Birmingham.Copy !req
401. Sorry? Kansas.Copy !req
402. Yeah, it's a number of states,
Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri,
Nebraska and South Dakota.Copy !req
403. It's a twister.Copy !req
404. And they're bad. Obviously, they
are much worse than British ones.Copy !req
405. So bad, you can get blown
all the way to Oz.Copy !req
406. You can, exactly,
and not be in Kansas any more.Copy !req
407. What shouldn't you do
for 20 minutes after lunch?Copy !req
408. "I spy with my little eye".Copy !req
409. Swim.Copy !req
410. Oh, Alan, oh!Copy !req
411. I can't believe that!
Surely, everybody knows that.Copy !req
412. It's a complete mystery.Copy !req
413. Gives you stomach cramps.
It's nonsense.Copy !req
414. It's parents who don't want
to supervise their childrenCopy !req
415. in pools cos
they want to go and sleep.Copy !req
416. You don't get cramps after eating.Copy !req
417. There's no evidence of anybody
getting into trouble because
of swimming after eating.Copy !req
418. When you dive into the water,
doesn't your stomach burst apart?Copy !req
419. They used to say that at school,Copy !req
420. "Oh yes, diving in after
a heavy meal, splat, belly flop,
water'll go everywhere!"Copy !req
421. It's just something
that's popularly heldCopy !req
422. that isn't backed up by any fact
whatsoever that's known to medical
science or anything else.Copy !req
423. That's the answer to that question.
It brings us to the final reckoning.Copy !req
424. And our ace of spies tonight,
well, we have two of them.Copy !req
425. In joint first place, with five
points each, it's Vic and Clive!Copy !req
426. And... closely shadowing them,Copy !req
427. with four points, Jo Brand!Copy !req
428. But I'm afraid,
with his cover completely blown,Copy !req
429. on minus eight, it's Alan Davies!Copy !req
430. Well, that's all from
Clive, Vic, Jo, Alan and me.Copy !req
431. I'll leave you with this report
of modern espionage recruitment
techniques.Copy !req
432. Two men and a woman recently
made the shortlist for CIA assassin.Copy !req
433. The first man was taken to a doorCopy !req
434. and told that his wife was
in there sitting on a chair,Copy !req
435. he was given a gun and told
to go in and kill her.Copy !req
436. And he said, "I can't do that,
I cannot kill my wife"Copy !req
437. and they said, "Well then,
you can't be a hit man for the CIA."Copy !req
438. And so, he left. And the second man
was told the same thing.Copy !req
439. He went in, five minutes passed,
he came out in tears.Copy !req
440. He said, "I can't do it,
I just can't do it. I can't
be a CIA killer."Copy !req
441. And then, the the woman's turn came.
They said, "This is your final test.Copy !req
442. "Your husband's in there, sitting
on a chair, here's a gun, kill him."Copy !req
443. She went through the door,
barely closed the door.Copy !req
444. They heard six rounds
fired straight away.Copy !req
445. Then banging, screaming
and shouting. Then she came out.Copy !req
446. She said, "You bastards!
You might have told me
there were blanks in the gun.Copy !req
447. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair leg."Copy !req
448. Goodnight.Copy !req