1. Hello, hello, hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.Copy !req
2. Good evening, one and all,
and welcome to QI.Copy !req
3. Tonight's show is as eclectic
as an eclectic eelCopy !req
4. and our "E" theme
is no less than everything,Copy !req
5. or everything beginning with E,
anyway.Copy !req
6. Let's meet every one of our guests.Copy !req
7. Vic Reeves!Copy !req
8. Clive Anderson!Copy !req
9. Jeremy Clarkson!Copy !req
10. And Alan Davies!Copy !req
11. As we remember, every good buzzer
deserves fun.Copy !req
12. And Vic goes...Copy !req
13. "My First, My Last,
My Everything" by Barry WhiteCopy !req
14. Clive goes...Copy !req
15. "I Do It For You"
by Bryan AdamsCopy !req
16. Sometimes, there just isn't enough
vomit in the world! Jeremy goes...Copy !req
17. "Every Little Thing She Does
Is Magic" by The PoliceCopy !req
18. That's not bad at all!
And Alan goes...Copy !req
19. "Everything's Coming Up Roses"
by Ethel MermanCopy !req
20. That's my best-ever buzzer!Copy !req
21. The great Ethel Merman.Copy !req
22. Don't forget our
"elephant in the room" bonus.Copy !req
23. If you spot an elephant, sing out
to earn a trunkful of extra points!Copy !req
24. Now, the first question.
What's this?Copy !req
25. It's gonna be an elephant's DNA.Copy !req
26. Oh! What a pity! No, it isn't!Copy !req
27. If I were to tell you it's
Methylenedioxymethamphetamine...Copy !req
28. MDMA. Ha-hey! It's the right answer.
Ecstasy. Also known as E.Copy !req
29. "E" because it's Ecstasy.
I knew that bit!Copy !req
30. You knew? Yes!Copy !req
31. Yes, Vic?Copy !req
32. I'm under the impression that
Ecstasy was invented by the GermansCopy !req
33. in the Second World War
as a truth drug.Copy !req
34. I'm going to give you
a couple of points.Copy !req
35. No, they... They invented it much
earlier. It was the First World War.Copy !req
36. It was a hydrastitine,
or a hydrastatine if you prefer,Copy !req
37. which is a drug for binding wounds,
drying blood, if you like.Copy !req
38. That was its original purpose.
Not a truth drug.Copy !req
39. It was to help wounds heal.Copy !req
40. This was the time we've covered
before, of "the great binge",Copy !req
41. the period from the 1880s
up until the First World WarCopy !req
42. when everybody was on drugs,
all the time.Copy !req
43. You could go to Fortnum and Mason's,
at the beginning of the World War I,Copy !req
44. and order a hamper for your boys
at the front which included heroin,Copy !req
45. cocaine, syringes.Copy !req
46. It was all legal and it was all...
Fortnum and Mason hampers now are
just pots of stuff you never eat!Copy !req
47. Exactly!Copy !req
48. Fantastic stuff. Didn't do any harm,
just led to the First World War!Copy !req
49. Slaughter of millions.
Didn't do any harm.Copy !req
50. And some of the greatest
inventions the world has seen,
and greatest literature. Indeed.Copy !req
51. And Modernism was born.
So it's not all bad.Copy !req
52. The First World War was a blemish.
But other than that...Copy !req
53. I thought E was supposed to be given
to old people who were depressed.Copy !req
54. I thought it was
to make music more bearable.Copy !req
55. You can only listen to that music
when... You can only listen
to that noise that's playingCopy !req
56. unless you've had something. Two
days later, on Suicide Tuesday,Copy !req
57. you can still hear it
in your head.Copy !req
58. Tell me about Suicide Tuesday.
Well, if you take Ecstasy,Copy !req
59. it's quite likely a couple of days
later, you'll get...Copy !req
60. So it's the downer you get
after the weekend. OK. Very good.Copy !req
61. That's why I don't do it. What are
the symptoms of taking E? Clive?Copy !req
62. I don't know. I haven't taken it
myself. I've given ecstasy,
but not...Copy !req
63. Oh, Clivey-wivey! Occasionally
in my legal world, I've prosecuted
or defended people for it.Copy !req
64. It keeps you awake and makes you
drink a lot of water until you die.Copy !req
65. Broadly speaking. Broadly speaking,Copy !req
66. that's what it says on the can.
"Feelings of openness, empathy,
energy, euphoria and well-being.Copy !req
67. "Tactile sensations."
Like touching people, yeah.Copy !req
68. Fabulousness.
Fabulousnessness.Copy !req
69. Ecstatic. Which is to stand outside
yourself.Copy !req
70. Loved up, man. Loved,
as you rightly say, up.Copy !req
71. Anyway, the answer was,
as you discovered, E, or MDMA.Copy !req
72. And so to explosions.Copy !req
73. What happens if you get a chicken
to look after a nuclear bomb?Copy !req
74. Yes, Vic.Copy !req
75. It could hatch the bomb...Copy !req
76. thinking that it was a large egg
and a member of its family.Copy !req
77. Yes... But near
where I live in Kent,Copy !req
78. they invented some kind
of nuclear bombCopy !req
79. which they were going to plant
around Germany and they had to keep
chickens to keep it warm somehow...Copy !req
80. You are 100% right. Exactly right.Copy !req
81. Brilliant. Brilliant.Copy !req
82. Absolutely. Yes, the idea was,Copy !req
83. the British Army
on the Rhine in Germany,Copy !req
84. in case Russia invaded Germany,Copy !req
85. as they saw them
coming across the border,Copy !req
86. they would bury ten
in different areasCopy !req
87. with an eight-day fuse in it
and skedaddle, and by the timeCopy !req
88. the Russians had taken over,
they would blow them all up,Copy !req
89. but unfortunately, the electronics
underground were too cold.Copy !req
90. There was no way
of keeping them working,Copy !req
91. so someone had the idea
of putting chickens in thereCopy !req
92. with a week's worth of food,
sealed into the bomb,Copy !req
93. and just the body heat of the
chickens would be just enoughCopy !req
94. to keep the electronics working.Copy !req
95. I think the answer is
free-range missiles. Hey!Copy !req
96. Very good!Copy !req
97. I did a programme
about chickens once. Go on.Copy !req
98. And afterwards,
I got so fond of them,Copy !req
99. I bought quite a lot of them...
Oh! We can talk at length!Copy !req
100. Do you like chickens? I've got lots.Copy !req
101. How do you cope with foxes? Our
foxes are... Yeah, we shoot them.Copy !req
102. We're not allowed to set the dogs
on them any moreCopy !req
103. cos we've got three dogs.
One dog would be fine,Copy !req
104. two dogs is illegal,
three is absolutely...Copy !req
105. I'd be in prison forever.Copy !req
106. Foxes are like thingy,
Charles Bronson, Great Escape.Copy !req
107. They can get under the wire and in,
and they'll savage the lot.Copy !req
108. I've got a great idea for you.Copy !req
109. If you've got a chicken hut,
what about...Copy !req
110. Your fox goes in there
to look for the chickens,Copy !req
111. what about if you put a mirror
at the back of the hut?Copy !req
112. So, the fox goes in, sees another
fox, goes, "Whoa!"Copy !req
113. "Your territory. I'm off!"Copy !req
114. That's a thought.Copy !req
115. What I did do was I decided
I was going to shoot the fox,Copy !req
116. so I went to that spy shop
in Mayfair, have you been there?
I love that place.Copy !req
117. Brilliant. So I bought these
Russian night-vision goggles.Copy !req
118. Always Russian, or Israeli...
Russian.Copy !req
119. I went home, and thought,
"Fox, you're gonna die!"Copy !req
120. I got the thing and the only way
to occupy myself was with a rather
lovely bottle of Merlot, waiting...Copy !req
121. I'm scanning the garden... That's
how the British Empire was made!Copy !req
122. Absolutely. People with big guns,
on the piss!Copy !req
123. I thought, "Here it comes." Now, the
drawback to a night-vision goggleCopy !req
124. is you can't attach it
to a 12-bore...Copy !req
125. So I had to think, "It's about
near that tree..."There he is!"Copy !req
126. Exactly!Copy !req
127. Yes, I blew my wife's Scotts of Stow
steamer chair to oblivion,Copy !req
128. which, through Russian night vision
goggles, looks exactly like a fox!Copy !req
129. It was three o'clock in the morning,
"Boof!" in the bedroom...Copy !req
130. What the BLEEP are you doing?Copy !req
131. I'm sorry, darling, I got a fox!Copy !req
132. And the chair
was all over the garden.Copy !req
133. I'm very shit at keeping chickens.Copy !req
134. Yes, you might ask a chicken
to look after a nuclear bomb
to keep it nice and warm and cosy.Copy !req
135. A small diversion into the future
for a moment now,Copy !req
136. from E to F and G.Copy !req
137. What use is a fainting goat?Copy !req
138. I've seen the TV version of this.Copy !req
139. It's a breed or a variety of goat
which falls over rather suddenly.Copy !req
140. When it's nervous. I can only think
of one use for it.Copy !req
141. If you were to dramatise
some 19th-century novels,
using animals...Copy !req
142. .. when the heroine had to swoon,
like that,Copy !req
143. you would cast the goat to do that.Copy !req
144. It's an immediate and practical use
for a fainting goat.Copy !req
145. They're just a race of goats like
an Anglo Nubian, only these are
fainting goats.Copy !req
146. They're in America.
That's all I know.Copy !req
147. If they faint when they're nervous,
that would alert you to dangerCopy !req
148. on the perimeter of your farm.Copy !req
149. Perhaps Nazis were rearing up.Copy !req
150. Or wolves attacking or something.
Or next-door neighbours.Copy !req
151. They're the Tennessee
or myotonic goat.Copy !req
152. You keep them with a flock of sheepCopy !req
153. and when the wolf comes, the goat,
when it gets a fright,
goes stiff as a boardCopy !req
154. and goes over like that.Copy !req
155. So the sheep escape and the goat
gets eaten.Copy !req
156. The goat is less
valuable than the sheep.Copy !req
157. So it sort of warns the sheep.
It's not much of a long life
for the goat, though!Copy !req
158. It takes one for the team.
It takes the bullet.Copy !req
159. So they do faint with fear.
Do they do that as they go down?Copy !req
160. It's Myotonia congenita. It occurs
in several species including humans.Copy !req
161. It only lasts about ten seconds.Copy !req
162. It goes stiff then returns to
normal. It's painless, according
to humans that have it.Copy !req
163. Apparently the older and more
experienced fainting goatsCopy !req
164. lean against things to stop
themselves falling over!Copy !req
165. "Somebody hold me up!"Copy !req
166. It must be quite hard to become
an older fainting goat!Copy !req
167. The wolves are generally
biting your throat out.Copy !req
168. That's is a problem.
But fainting goats protect your
flock by swooning and being eatenCopy !req
169. while the sheep make good
their escape.Copy !req
170. From escapes to epidemics.
Tell me about the jumping
French lumberjacks of Maine.Copy !req
171. Are they jumping lumberjacks
involved in the wood industry,
from Maine?Copy !req
172. They jump in the oddest way.
The fainting goats are odd but
this condition is seriously weird.Copy !req
173. I did a programme in Oregon.
It was about wood and trees.Copy !req
174. I called the people who were
chopping trees "lumberjacks."Copy !req
175. They said, "No, we never call people
lumberjacks. That's Canadian."Copy !req
176. They're called tree-fellers
in America.Copy !req
177. Maine is in America.
The Irish call them tree-fellers,
unless there are four of them!Copy !req
178. I'm doubting whether
they're really lumberjacks.Copy !req
179. Actually, they are French Canadian
lumberjacks.Copy !req
180. Moosehead Lake is in Maine
on the border of Canada.Copy !req
181. Is it a condition?
It's a weird condition.Copy !req
182. Sufferers react abnormally
to certain stimuli. Say "Timber",
they jump!Copy !req
183. Or "Timbre"! No, this is so strange.
It really is odd.Copy !req
184. There are two symptoms. One is that
they obey any order that is given
unexpectedly.Copy !req
185. Punch Jeremy! They would do it!Copy !req
186. They'd do it. Anything you say to
them suddenly, they just do it.Copy !req
187. The other one is a need compulsively
to repeat foreign phrases.Copy !req
188. They're French, for goodness' sake!
They're entitled to!Copy !req
189. These are lumberjacks?
It only affects lumberjacks?Copy !req
190. It was noted amongst this community
of lumberjacks first.Copy !req
191. People thought it was hereditary,
they passed it on through
close families.Copy !req
192. But it turns out it's psychological.
No-one's quite sure.Copy !req
193. Gilles de la Tourette was so
obsessed by this,Copy !req
194. he went into the whole field
of discovering conditionsCopy !req
195. and discovered the one to which his
name is given, Tourette's Syndrome.Copy !req
196. What are the symptoms of Tourette's?Copy !req
197. The first case of Tourette's that
I ever came across was in WaterlooCopy !req
198. and every morning
I'd hear costermongers shouting,
"Apples, pears"Copy !req
199. and whatever costermongers shouted.Copy !req
200. But one bloke would walk down going,Copy !req
201. BLEEP off! BLEEP off!Copy !req
202. I'd never heard of it before. He was
just head of British Rail PR!Copy !req
203. Very good!Copy !req
204. It's all kinds of involuntary tics
and noises. You're right.Copy !req
205. The most common are motor tics,
the spasms, or whatever,Copy !req
206. and various utterances -
"phonic tics".Copy !req
207. But in the public mind, it's
associated with saying rude words.Copy !req
208. There's Echolalia.
Know what that is?Copy !req
209. It must be repeating things.
Repeating things.Copy !req
210. Repeating things. Repeating things.Copy !req
211. People do that. I've got a friend
who does that. Does that.
It's so annoying!Copy !req
212. Annoying. The thing is about it,Copy !req
213. he says his mum does it
and it drives him nuts! Nuts.Copy !req
214. But I've found with him I would
deliberately not...Copy !req
215. Not...Copy !req
216. .. finish a sentence at the moment...Copy !req
217. he thought I was... going to.Copy !req
218. We ended up like a Two Ronnies
sketch!Copy !req
219. Is it the same thing if you mouth
the words while you're talking?Copy !req
220. That's weird when people do that.
And there's Palilalia, where you
repeat your own words.Copy !req
221. Where you repeat your own words.
Say things twice.Copy !req
222. Everything has to have a name,
doesn't it? Yeah.Copy !req
223. Is that bad? Yes, it's just...Copy !req
224. Cos then everybody has a label.
"I've got a this." Yes.Copy !req
225. I can't be doing with it. There's
a lot of truth in what you say.Copy !req
226. It's something to object to. It is!Copy !req
227. Why can't we just have
"things in general" around us?Copy !req
228. I have a bit of a twitch and now
you're a copophiliac or whatever.Copy !req
229. There are people who really dislike
names and labels.Copy !req
230. It's called Clarkson's Syndrome.
Yeah, normality.Copy !req
231. I've just been told
on my little screen hereCopy !req
232. there is a genuine thing called
Clarkson's Syndrome. Ah!Copy !req
233. It involves leaking capillaries.Copy !req
234. There you are!Copy !req
235. Jumping Frenchmen of MaineCopy !req
236. is a condition that has afflicted
lumberjacks in Maine,
but very few others.Copy !req
237. My next question is about
emigration. From 1884 onwards,Copy !req
238. what was the first man-made objectCopy !req
239. that was seen by immigrants
arriving at New York?Copy !req
240. The Statue of Enlightenment
of Liberty, but it wasn't...Copy !req
241. I think it's Ellis Island.
Not Ellis Island.Copy !req
242. There's an island before you get to
Liberty Island or Ellis Island.Copy !req
243. It's QI Island, which was placed
there...Copy !req
244. Very, very famous.Copy !req
245. And you've missed your chanceCopy !req
246. because it's Coney Island and
it would have been an elephant.Copy !req
247. A vast man-made elephant was the
first sight that greeted immigrants
before...Copy !req
248. There it is, on Coney Island.
We were never gonna get that.Copy !req
249. It was a hotel with 32 rooms,
built by a man called Lafferty.Copy !req
250. So America knew what they were
letting themselves in for.Copy !req
251. It was before the Statue of Liberty?
Two years before.Copy !req
252. But even after that,
you'd have seen it first.Copy !req
253. So people are thinking,
"We'll see the Statue of Liberty.
..It looks different close up!"Copy !req
254. The Elephant of Liberty.
Doesn't even look female!
The observation tower is on wrong.Copy !req
255. Lafferty was given a patent.Copy !req
256. He was the only man allowed to make
animal-shaped buildings
for 17 years!Copy !req
257. He needn't have worried, really!Copy !req
258. It burnt down, then he had
another one which has lastedCopy !req
259. and it's the largest elephant in the
world. But it was also a brothel.Copy !req
260. What, on Coney Island? It gave rise
to an expression, "Going to see
the elephant" in New York,Copy !req
261. going to see a lady of easy virtue.Copy !req
262. Was it entirely a brothel? Not
entirely, but it was pretty sleazy.Copy !req
263. Coney Island is pretty sleazy.
My family went over to AmericaCopy !req
264. in the 19th century. What was
the first thing they saw?Copy !req
265. That elephant. My grandmother moved
directly in thereCopy !req
266. onto the fourth floor.Copy !req
267. But I went to Ellis Island,
and the amount of names you would
not believe there.Copy !req
268. On that list. I tried to find
my relatives' namesCopy !req
269. and it's impossible. There are
billions of names there. So I fled.Copy !req
270. Then, most interestingly,
just around the bottom, there,Copy !req
271. by the Statue of Liberty,Copy !req
272. my wife had her hotdog ripped
from her lips by a seagull.Copy !req
273. She had it in for me
for the rest of the day.Copy !req
274. I never really understood that.Copy !req
275. Like I was commanding the seagull!Copy !req
276. It's a man's job to protect
his bitch from seagulls.Copy !req
277. The first thing that immigrants saw
in AmericaCopy !req
278. was a giant elephant-shaped brothel
which must have seemed promising
on so many levels!Copy !req
279. Now, who invented
the multiple choice exam?Copy !req
280. Perhaps I can help by giving you
a multiple choice.Copy !req
281. Was it, A...Copy !req
282. Steve?Copy !req
283. Steve?Copy !req
284. Steve. Do you not like "Steve"?Copy !req
285. Not very much. Can I have a 50/50,
please? All right.Copy !req
286. Computer, take away two random
wrong answersCopy !req
287. leaving the right answer
and one random wrong answer.Copy !req
288. I think that's what he says,
isn't it? Yes.Copy !req
289. What do we think, then? I have in
my mind it was the American Army,Copy !req
290. but obviously the Ancient Greeks,
if they got there first,
they invented everything.Copy !req
291. So which are you gonna go for? OK,Copy !req
292. let's ask everybody.
Ask the audience. Shall we...Copy !req
293. Hands up if you think it's A.
A show of hands for Greeks.Copy !req
294. That's quite a lot. Show of hands
for the American Army.Copy !req
295. You're all going out to Iraq.Copy !req
296. You've just been conscripted!
The American Army beat
the Ancient Greeks.Copy !req
297. And the American Army
is the right answer!Copy !req
298. Yes. Well done, audience.Copy !req
299. The fact is, it was the American
Army. When, do you imagine? 1940s.Copy !req
300. They were trying to recruit
people for a war...
The First World War.Copy !req
301. They wanted to recruit people
quickly and it was a speedy exam.Copy !req
302. Absolutely. "Do you like
or dislike the Germans?"Copy !req
303. "Like a lot", "Not very much".
"Are you prepared to shoot people?"
"Blow them up?"All the above?"Copy !req
304. One of the genders is better at
multiple-choice than the other.Copy !req
305. Which would it be?
Girls better than boys?Copy !req
306. Yes, girls are better than boys.
No! Boys are better.Copy !req
307. We're all right, then. We can't
multi-task, drive, have sex,
talk properly or anything,Copy !req
308. but... We can choose!
But we can choose!Copy !req
309. I have it on...
I guess we're just lucky.Copy !req
310. .. on good authority that
we're also shallow and insensitive.Copy !req
311. We choose to be shallow and
insensitive! A) Shallow,
or B) Insensitive.Copy !req
312. Chinese driving tests have a written
exam in multiple choice format.Copy !req
313. Here are some of the questions you
might get asked if you apply...Copy !req
314. Hai-tai-a-ho!Copy !req
315. Yes.Copy !req
316. I don't know what I said,
but I meant it!Copy !req
317. "Drivers should A) Deliberately
underestimate each other?Copy !req
318. "B) Compete for road supremacyCopy !req
319. "C) Learn and help each other adopt
one's strong pointCopy !req
320. "while overcoming one's weak point
and keep safely driving.Copy !req
321. "If you come across a road accident
victim whose intestines
are lying in the road,Copy !req
322. "should you pick them up and push
them back in? Yes or no?"Copy !req
323. Yes.Copy !req
324. And other such questions.Copy !req
325. And who are the most dangerous cars
driven by in the world?Copy !req
326. Men, women, children, babies?
No, nationality.Copy !req
327. The most dangerous cars are green
and driven by the Chinese.Copy !req
328. They're called tanks!Copy !req
329. Very good!Copy !req
330. Anyway, multiple choice examinationsCopy !req
331. were invented as a way of testing
US Army recruits in World War I.Copy !req
332. Now, that brings us rapidly
to the place where everything
is not what it seems.Copy !req
333. The shadowy netherworld of general
ignorance. Fingers on buzzers. Now,Copy !req
334. what is house dust
mostly composed of?Copy !req
335. Skin.Copy !req
336. No. No, it's a myth, I'm afraid.Copy !req
337. It's a myth. Rust. Rust?Copy !req
338. Not mostly of rust, no. If you live
in an iron house, like me,Copy !req
339. it's rust.Copy !req
340. Animals, insects...
A lot of it.Copy !req
341. Dust mites.
Bits of smashed badgers...Copy !req
342. Smashed badgers is coming up?
No, dust mites.
You didn't really say that...Copy !req
343. I said smashed badgers!
Clive said dust mites!Copy !req
344. The camera was on Jeremy.
I said nothing.Copy !req
345. I said... I said... You sneak!Copy !req
346. I said dust might be the sort
of stuff you find in your house.Copy !req
347. The fact is, what Vic said
is pretty true.Copy !req
348. It varies from country to country,
house to house, room to room,Copy !req
349. as well as by season and in response
to lifestyles.Copy !req
350. If you have a pet, how often
you clean, whether you open windows.Copy !req
351. But generally, you will find soil,
sand, soot, brick, concrete dust,Copy !req
352. clothing, carpet fibres, fungal
spores, dried cells of animal hairs,Copy !req
353. skin and feathers, cigarette
and wood smoke, dust mites,
dead insects,Copy !req
354. rat and mouse droppings,
industrial pollutants,
pesticides, PVC, vinyl,Copy !req
355. flour and crumbs
and good old-fashioned dirt.Copy !req
356. So no smashed badgers, then?
Not one!Copy !req
357. How much of it is skin?Copy !req
358. A small percentage. Mattress
manufacturers like to promote
the ideaCopy !req
359. that half the weight of a mattress
is made of dead mites and skin
and other detritus.Copy !req
360. Nonsense. They make it up? Yep.Copy !req
361. People trying to sell you things
by making up stuff? Unbelievable!Copy !req
362. Very little house dust
is made of human skin.Copy !req
363. It's mostly dirt and grit.Copy !req
364. Now, what would you find
in the middle of a pearl?Copy !req
365. Yes? An oyster!Copy !req
366. No! You'd find an oyster
in the middle of a pearl?Copy !req
367. I got it the wrong way round.Copy !req
368. A... Nothing. A bit of grit.Copy !req
369. Sand.Copy !req
370. So, no, not true. There are strange
things about oysters.Copy !req
371. You get pearls from mussels, clams,
whelks, conches, abalones
and snailsCopy !req
372. as well as oysters.Copy !req
373. It's nearly always an organic thing
like a nematode worm that's burrowed
through the shell and died.Copy !req
374. It's around that
that the pearl is formed.Copy !req
375. When they artificially do them,
do they put in sand?Copy !req
376. Or a nematode worm? They put
a polished fragment of shell,Copy !req
377. then a piece of tissue
from another pearl oysterCopy !req
378. and it's the flap that covers
its organ. It's organic.Copy !req
379. The flap that covers its organ? OK,
I'm with you. Its internal bits.Copy !req
380. Now, there are fish restaurants
in LondonCopy !req
381. that say if you find a pearl
in your oyster, you can keep it.Copy !req
382. What is the largest pearl that's
been found in such circumstances?Copy !req
383. The size of the World Cup? No.Copy !req
384. The moon? That big? No. None. None?Copy !req
385. No-one's found one?
No edible oyster gives pearls.Copy !req
386. It's completely... Is it to do
with an elephant?Copy !req
387. The kind of oysters you eat
never produce pearls.Copy !req
388. It's a completely different species.Copy !req
389. So they put it there to excite you.Copy !req
390. The world's largest pearl
was found in what animal?Copy !req
391. Some sort of garden snail,
I dare say!Copy !req
392. It was a giant clam. Very good!
It was a giant clam.Copy !req
393. I've seen a giant clam.
Ever put your foot in one?Copy !req
394. No. I did.Copy !req
395. It's the stupidest thing
I've ever done.Copy !req
396. I said, "I wonder what'd happen
if you put your foot in that?"Copy !req
397. It's a kind of velvety, soft, rather
comfortable place to be stuck.Copy !req
398. Doesn't it start ingesting it
and squirting enzymes at your foot?Copy !req
399. I was more worried by the meter
saying how much air I had left
in the tank.Copy !req
400. Shouldn't you have had a buddy?
It was my wife. She'd buggered off.Copy !req
401. Pearls are normally the sarcophagi
of nematode worms.Copy !req
402. Pearl divers use glass-bottomed
boats to hunt for oyster beds.Copy !req
403. How would a glass bottom
keep you out of the Army?Copy !req
404. I don't know the answer, but...
I do! I'm going to answer it!Copy !req
405. It's something about the shilling
in the tankard. Ah!Copy !req
406. The shilling in the tankard!Copy !req
407. What a shame!Copy !req
408. You were thinking that.
You were thinking of that.Copy !req
409. Is it fragile arse syndrome?Copy !req
410. Yes, the glass-bottomed tankard.
There is a mythCopy !req
411. that they had glass bottoms to stop
people putting the money in...Copy !req
412. If you'd taken the king's shilling
you had to be in the navy.Copy !req
413. It's just not true. It's weird.
It's unlikely...Copy !req
414. It's harsh. You could wangle out of
that, just cos there's a shilling
there.Copy !req
415. Exactly. Your lawyer's mind
has got to the bottom of it.Copy !req
416. It's not always that legal arguments
would hold sway in the 18th century!Copy !req
417. If you recruited using trickery,
you would be court-martialledCopy !req
418. and a signature or mark is required.Copy !req
419. Plus there was a four-day
cooling-off period.Copy !req
420. So if someone felt impressed, they
had four days to change their mind.Copy !req
421. By which time they're
in the Bay of Biscay!Copy !req
422. That's a possibility.Copy !req
423. But this idea that just by taking
a shilling, you could be forced
into service...Copy !req
424. So we haven't got the answer yet?Copy !req
425. No, there is no basis for it.Copy !req
426. It was in order to trap Alan
and I'm afraid we did.Copy !req
427. Sorry. It was cheap and wicked.Copy !req
428. What's the best colour of clothing
to wear in a hot climate?Copy !req
429. Yes?Copy !req
430. Black. Black? Yeah.Copy !req
431. Logically, it will come up that
you want something light.Copy !req
432. It reflects the light.
So what's the best colour?Copy !req
433. I'm gonna say white and you'll go...Copy !req
434. It's like being in with
a Detective Sergeant!Copy !req
435. Silver.Copy !req
436. He may be right. That's quite good.
I'm going silver.Copy !req
437. The fact is, all colours seem to be
the same in the desert,
from experiments.Copy !req
438. Black is not bad. The Bedouin.
The Bedouin, as you say.
They wear black.Copy !req
439. They do. Some people argue
that black might be bestCopy !req
440. because it's hottest round the
bottom and convection causes cool
air to rise.Copy !req
441. No-one's demonstrated that. The fact
is, it doesn't matter what colour
you wear as long as you look cool!Copy !req
442. Which brings us to the scores
tonight.Copy !req
443. Everything's coming up roses
for Vic Reeves!Copy !req
444. On minus six, in the lead.Copy !req
445. But everything's coming up an even
cheaper brand of chocolatesCopy !req
446. for Alan Davies on minus 24,
in second place!Copy !req
447. In third place, just, with minus 25,
Clive Anderson!Copy !req
448. But everything's going
to Hel-ena Bonham-CarterCopy !req
449. for Jeremy Clarkson on minus 30!Copy !req
450. So, it's every good wish from
Clive, Vic, Alan, Jeremy and meCopy !req
451. and I would go along with
Stephen WrightCopy !req
452. who says, "You can't
have everything. After all,
where would you put it?"Copy !req
453. Good night.Copy !req