1. Well now, young lad, what would
a young shaver like you want
for Christmas? Have you been good?Copy !req
2. Yes. You have? Yes.
Then what would you like?Copy !req
3. A QI compilation show, please.
What? A QI compilation show.Copy !req
4. Ooh! A QI compilation show!Copy !req
5. Ho ho ho! You're not the first
to ask for that. I think
we can manage that, no question.Copy !req
6. Tickly?Copy !req
7. Show me the proper Italian way
to eat spaghetti.Copy !req
8. Use any of the things...
Phill's doing very well.Copy !req
9. Isn't it against the side of the
plate? Exactly. Twist it. Don't...Copy !req
10. Those are some mad skills, Johnny!Copy !req
11. My jaw comes apart.Copy !req
12. Can I just say this is
the best quiz I've ever been on?Copy !req
13. How are you eating yours, Alan?
You want to see me
with ostrich eggs! By hand.Copy !req
14. Alan gets 20 points. That's
how Neapolitans eat spaghetti.Copy !req
15. They lean back and drop it in.
Alan thinks mashed potatoes
are finger food!Copy !req
16. Parmesan, please.Copy !req
17. I can't offer you parmesan.
Parmesan tastes delicious
but it smellsCopy !req
18. like the gym socks of a child
with a glandular problem.
I find it's the other way round.Copy !req
19. I never buy it pre-packaged
from the...Copy !req
20. The shop. .. places that sell food.
From the spaghetti seller?Copy !req
21. I buy it off people in the street.Copy !req
22. They tell me it's original
orega... gigano.Copy !req
23. They dangle food over me and dance
and go, "Look - a bloke with a house
and we play games with his mind."Copy !req
24. What...?Copy !req
25. That's brilliant.Copy !req
26. Another round of applause,
I think.Copy !req
27. Cast your eyes over these...
little things.Copy !req
28. See what you can tell me about them.
I'd like to know how they could
help you cross the Pacific Ocean.Copy !req
29. Are they like a very early
credit card? No, they're not.Copy !req
30. Some sort of star map. You're
on the right lines. Not a star map,Copy !req
31. but that would combine with this.Copy !req
32. A dreamcatcher!
Use your scrotums and it would help.
Wet dreamcatcher.Copy !req
33. Eugh!Copy !req
34. Polynesians and Micronesians
in the South Seas of the Pacific
use them for navigating.Copy !req
35. On the horizon, the sun...
Actually, you want to turn it
90 degrees.Copy !req
36. Like that?Copy !req
37. About another axis.Copy !req
38. And look down.
Islands in the sea,Copy !req
39. the way the sea flows past them
creates a pattern of waves,Copy !req
40. so if you know the wave patterns
well enough,
you can tell by the waterCopy !req
41. where each island is
and you can navigate.Copy !req
42. It's a map of waves
and you use your scrotum
by getting out of the boatCopy !req
43. and feeling the swell of the water.Copy !req
44. The scrotum feels
the way the water swells.Copy !req
45. It's quite gender specific, then.Copy !req
46. It gives a new meaning
to ball bearings.Copy !req
47. Women with their breasts,
could they do it? I imagine so.Copy !req
48. It's very important
that we find out.Copy !req
49. You're the man to do it.
Come on, ladies.
Which way are the waves going?Copy !req
50. Yes, I... It's chilly in there!Copy !req
51. Actually, I don't care
where we're going...Copy !req
52. We'll stay here?
Stay here for a few days.Copy !req
53. Take in the sights. "OK!"Copy !req
54. What's the biggest banana republic
in Europe?Copy !req
55. There's an elephant in the room!
How is an elephant connected?Copy !req
56. I don't know. Elephants like bananas.Copy !req
57. I fear... Iceland!Copy !req
58. Iceland? Iceland!
They go mad for them!Copy !req
59. Volcanoes covered with elephants,
guzzling... oh!
No wonder Bjork's weird.Copy !req
60. Growing up around...
Phill Jupitus, you've put me
in a really weird position here.Copy !req
61. There are no elephants involved,Copy !req
62. but the largest banana-producing
country in Europe is Iceland.Copy !req
63. Come on!Copy !req
64. That's extraordinary!Copy !req
65. Absolutely remarkable.
Is it the thermal heat? Exactly.Copy !req
66. They grow more bananas than anywhere
else. I withdraw my pachyderm.Copy !req
67. Yes, you get a point.
A few forward and one back.Copy !req
68. That was an inspired guess!
One wouldn't have thought
Iceland was the home of the banana.Copy !req
69. Which European country is
the largest exporter of bananas?Copy !req
70. It's... the Dutch.Copy !req
71. No...Copy !req
72. There's a country in Europe
that buys the entire banana crop
of Belize and sells it on. Austria.Copy !req
73. Ireland? Ireland! The biggest
exporter of bananas in Europe.Copy !req
74. You buy the whole crop...
Not you, personally. I don't
remember this going to a vote!Copy !req
75. It's a multinational
private company.Copy !req
76. Fyffes! Now that you mention it,
I WAS confused that we had a very
famous banana company in Ireland.Copy !req
77. The Dutch one is "Haste" -
spelt Geest -
but Fyffes is even bigger, I think.Copy !req
78. They should tell us this in school.
We'd be so proud.Copy !req
79. I'm very touched by that.
My step granddad worked
in the fruit and veg market.Copy !req
80. He used to do very long shifts
and sometimes it was quite cold
and he'd stay there all night.Copy !req
81. And he would sleep with the bananas
because it was warm.Copy !req
82. He told me that story and I thought,
"This sounds a hellish existence."Copy !req
83. And he said,
"The unions put a stop to that."Copy !req
84. They did?Copy !req
85. I like the expression
"sleeping with the bananas".Copy !req
86. It implies that the bananas were
asleep as well.Copy !req
87. Nothing nicer than being woken up
by a friendly banana!Copy !req
88. Quite!
That's like some Belize Godfather
movie where they go, "No!Copy !req
89. "He's sleeping with the bananas!"Copy !req
90. What's the biggest banknote
the Bank of England print? That one.Copy !req
91. The highest denomination.Copy !req
92. Isn't there a £100 note
that no one's ever seen? Higher.Copy !req
93. 50,000. Bigger than that.Copy !req
94. A million. Bigger.
Two million? 100 million?Copy !req
95. 100 million is right!
There are forty 100 million pound
notes in the Bank of England.Copy !req
96. Fantastic! Get in a taxi...Copy !req
97. "I can't break this up!"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry.Copy !req
98. "I think you'll find it's legal
tender. No tip for you.
I had a £50,000 note as a tip."Copy !req
99. It's known... I've got one.
Have you? I did an extra shift
in the Golden Egg in 1972.Copy !req
100. It's known as the Titan.Copy !req
101. Million pound notes are the Giant.Copy !req
102. There are 4,000 £1 million notes.
Have you got any?
I don't have any, no.Copy !req
103. What would you get if you used
an ejector seat
to escape from this helicopter?Copy !req
104. A very short headache.Copy !req
105. "Oh!" And then gone.
Is that the human equivalent
of one of those slicing machinesCopy !req
106. advertised on shopping channels?
"I'm doing, four, five, six.
I'm doing cucumber, tomato...Copy !req
107. "Take an old shoe.
You can slice a shoe
and it will keep on slicing."Copy !req
108. The ejector goes out sideways.
No... down! There's a trap door?Copy !req
109. You go, "Waaah!"Copy !req
110. What could possibly be happening
outside to make you press the button?Copy !req
111. How bad could it be for you to go,
"This is rubbish, this helicopter.
I wonder if I could fly"?Copy !req
112. How would you design a helicopter
with an ejector seat going up?Copy !req
113. Tip it a bit? Turn it?Copy !req
114. You simply have to get rid
of the rotors. Blow them away,Copy !req
115. milliseconds before the seat.
They simply disappear.Copy !req
116. That's what it says in the manual!
And they've had very few complaints.Copy !req
117. That one is called the Black Shark.
There are a few others
where this is the case.Copy !req
118. They're not very popular.
7,000 airmen's lives have been
saved by ejector seats. Not bad.Copy !req
119. Martin Baker is the company
that makes them in Britain.Copy !req
120. Can you get them for your house?
For domestic use?Copy !req
121. There's nothing on the TV,
just an old re-run of HollyoaksCopy !req
122. and you're eating
a Marks and Spencer tea. "Know what?
This evening is very disappointing."Copy !req
123. Boom! Yeah!Copy !req
124. What is the world's
most expensive meat?Copy !req
125. That would be a unicorn steak.Copy !req
126. Or a mermaid fillet. Yes.
Or a griffin burger.Copy !req
127. Possibly.
There's an elephant in the room.Copy !req
128. Ahh... Is it... mammoth?
It's not what I have.Copy !req
129. You mean I have...?
Wasted your elephant.Copy !req
130. It's Alan's. Mine is down there.Copy !req
131. Very good.Copy !req
132. No.Copy !req
133. Oh! Oh! Oooh! Yeah?Copy !req
134. Is it the special,
beautifully-reared Japanese beef?Copy !req
135. No, no!Copy !req
136. I actually said, "Japanese beef,"
and it appeared behind me.Copy !req
137. It's horrible when that happens.Copy !req
138. They're crazy for the Kobe beef.
And Kobe beef burgers.Copy !req
139. Burgers for $100 or something
ludicrous. What's the difference?Copy !req
140. They claim the cattle are massaged
and fed on beer. That's nonsense.
They used to be fed...Copy !req
141. You want to be one, don't you?
I know.Copy !req
142. You want to be a Kobe...
I was one in a previous life!Copy !req
143. I've come back and this time
people can't eat me.Copy !req
144. They used to be fed on hops
that had been used
in the brewing process.Copy !req
145. In 1932, Winston Churchill predicted
that, "50 years henceCopy !req
146. "we shall escape the absurdity
of growing a whole chicken
just to eat the breast or wing.Copy !req
147. "We'll do it by growing these parts
separately." What I'm talking about
is precisely what he predicted.Copy !req
148. It is a manufactured food
made from myoblasts,Copy !req
149. which are a kind of stem cell.
Normally do them in the bath.Copy !req
150. They're pre-programmed to grow
muscle, so the cell is removed
from a living animal - just a cell -Copy !req
151. and it multiplies in a stew
of amino acids and minerals,Copy !req
152. but these cells are capable
of multiplying so many times
in the cultureCopy !req
153. that it's theoretically possible
for a single cell to produce
enough meat to feed the whole world.Copy !req
154. At the moment, however,
a single kilo costs $10,000,Copy !req
155. whereas it's only £85 a kilo
for Kobe beef.Copy !req
156. I have to go home after this.
Yes, you do.Copy !req
157. Believe me...Copy !req
158. And...Copy !req
159. I have to convince my brother
that crisp butties are wrong.Copy !req
160. And you've just explained the way
the future of food... Yes.Copy !req
161. There's no place for crisp butties.
We're going to have Monster Munch on
white bread for the next 20 years.Copy !req
162. Monster Munch on white bread?
Nobody removes the stem cell from
a Monster Munch. It's pure bred.Copy !req
163. It's like God has gathered up
the footsteps of a dinosaur
and put them in a bag.Copy !req
164. And that's a Monster Munch? It is.
I want one now!Copy !req
165. But I don't want one that's been
meddled with and had needles
put into it. No.Copy !req
166. I want a fresh bag.Copy !req
167. Preferably pickled onion.Copy !req
168. And some Hovis and thick butter.Copy !req
169. OK, it's a deal.Copy !req
170. Do you know
about Yan, Tan, Tetherer?Copy !req
171. It's a counting system,
possibly Celtic in origin.Copy !req
172. Is it...? Sheep counting?Copy !req
173. Yes. It actually goes,
"Yan, tan, tetherer..."Copy !req
174. "Yan, tan, tetherer, metherer, pip,
setherer, lethera, hovera, bovera,
dick, yan-a-dick, tan-a-dick,Copy !req
175. "tether-a-dick, mether-a-dick,
bumfit." Which is 15.Copy !req
176. And it goes all the way up to 20.Copy !req
177. So one in every 15 will...
Be a bumfit.Copy !req
178. You might have summoned up the devil.Copy !req
179. Are the last three sheep
Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb?Copy !req
180. Me and Alan did a play in Edinburgh
and we had to share the stage
with some Korean dancers.Copy !req
181. The stage was sprung for them,
so they could do their leaps.Copy !req
182. Fine for them, but we were
just doing a play in an apartment
which was on the land.Copy !req
183. In an apartment on dry land!Copy !req
184. And we were walking about like this!Copy !req
185. They were all sitting playing poker
and if I walked heavy enough,
they would go up and down.Copy !req
186. Like this! There was a drinks
cabinet. Every time we walked,Copy !req
187. the whole thing went,
"Ding! Ding! Ding!"Copy !req
188. We had to walk about like this.Copy !req
189. "Here's your sandwich."Thank you."Copy !req
190. That's why the critics said,
"It IS The Odd Couple." Yes!Copy !req
191. Nothing odder. The great stages,
they're raked down.Copy !req
192. I went down to a matinee performance
of The Tempest
at the Royal Shakespeare Company.Copy !req
193. Paul Brooke is slightly boss-eyed
and I've since discovered that
actors in matinees get very friskyCopy !req
194. and take the piss out of the play
because they're bored stiff.Copy !req
195. And in The Tempest, all the sprites
form a sort of human pyramid.Copy !req
196. And Paul Brooke was playing a lord
with a big fur coat.Copy !req
197. He decided for the matinee
to be naked underneath it.Copy !req
198. At one point he had to look upstage,
so the audience couldn't see.Copy !req
199. He was to look at this pyramid.
And he opened his coat like that.Copy !req
200. And the girl at the top of
the pyramid urinated with laughter.Copy !req
201. And it went all the way down!Copy !req
202. And all the way down the stage
and dripped off the edge.
It was fantastic.Copy !req
203. Just great. He couldn't
have hoped for a better response.Copy !req
204. Like wheelie trainers.
Have you ever tried those?Copy !req
205. You see children walking, then they
point their feet up. The Children
of the Damned with weak ankles!Copy !req
206. They're walking normally,
then suddenly their legs go rigid
and they go...Copy !req
207. Gliding children of death.Copy !req
208. They should have the national
championships at Bluewater.Copy !req
209. Don't you feel cheated that our
generation...? We had skateboarding.
Did you have a skateboard?Copy !req
210. No. Did you try to buy one and they
went, "I don't think it's for you"?Copy !req
211. He had a Bentley skateboard
made of teak with fine, original
Birmingham wheels.Copy !req
212. I had a spacehopper.Copy !req
213. Well, I did.
"Ma! Ma! Ma!Copy !req
214. "Ma! Ma! Oh! Ma! Oh!Copy !req
215. "Nearly there!Copy !req
216. "Mother!Copy !req
217. "A bicycle next time,
for the love of God!"Copy !req
218. You're like nine feet tall! Well...
Your knees must have been here.
It must have been like...Copy !req
219. Not when I was eight! Turns out
it was just a terrible haemorrhoid.Copy !req
220. We've got a guinea pig at home.
It lives its life in a state of
extreme terror. The whole time.Copy !req
221. You go to pick it up and it goes,
"Please don't kill me!"Copy !req
222. And you put it down and it goes,
"Oh, thank God!"Copy !req
223. Stop picking it up!Copy !req
224. It doesn't like it!
Bill wears his falconry gloves.Copy !req
225. They're very fragile.
You can kill them with anything.Copy !req
226. Dressing up as an eagle.Copy !req
227. Aaargh!Copy !req
228. You hang from the ceiling above it,
flapping like that.Copy !req
229. I pick it up and go...!Copy !req
230. Like that.Copy !req
231. Awww.Copy !req
232. "Don't kill me!"Copy !req
233. If you milk men... Hello!Copy !req
234. Oh, yes.
Might you get MSG out?Copy !req
235. You might. It's present in milk.
If a man lactated, babies like milk
because it's full of glutamate.Copy !req
236. This is why I don't want to do shows
like this. Why is that, Johnny?Copy !req
237. Cos I'm gonna lie awake at night
fearing I'm lactating poison!Copy !req
238. I've already hurt people enough
in my lifetime.Copy !req
239. It's not poison. It's good.Copy !req
240. We're trying to suggest
that MSG is not so bad.
You may not like the flavour...Copy !req
241. I don't want meaty-tasting breasts.
I fear nature may disappoint you.Copy !req
242. I don't want men running round
at a butcher's shop,
taking my shirt off and going,Copy !req
243. "Taste him! He's like sirloin."Copy !req
244. Well... That would be a very bad
day trip to Alton towers!
It would.Copy !req
245. I'm afraid your breasts do taste
slightly meaty,Copy !req
246. if you're lactating. But they'd be
meaty anyway, because they're flesh.Copy !req
247. Johnny,
don't be scared of your own flesh.Copy !req
248. Polar bears aren't
attracted to black.Copy !req
249. It would be a waste of time.
They're colour blind.
The ugliest animals I've ever seen.Copy !req
250. Polar bears?Copy !req
251. Do you know the best way
to escape a charging polar bear?
Shoot it in the face.Copy !req
252. You take your clothes off. Exactly.Copy !req
253. It stops to smell them
and you get away. That is
the biggest load of nonsense!Copy !req
254. You would obviously be chilly.
It would eat you and go,
"That one didn't have a wrapper."Copy !req
255. Who's Frank Lampard looking at
through that keyhole?Copy !req
256. Is that how you view
the museum of...?
It's a tiny, tiny museum.Copy !req
257. Fits into a keyhole.Copy !req
258. "As we go through the keyhole..."Copy !req
259. He can't do many, but they're good!Copy !req
260. Can you do Loyd as well?
I wouldn't want to do Loyd.Copy !req
261. "Whose house it is.Copy !req
262. "David, it's over to you."
I think as a kid he got stuck
in a helium balloon or something.Copy !req
263. His voice is just bizarre.
What is his accent, just to digress?Copy !req
264. It's Massachusetts.
Oh, American. Yes, it is!Copy !req
265. He claims they all speak like that.
Nonsense.Copy !req
266. He came over quite young to England
and to a Fulham-y part of England
where people talk like this.Copy !req
267. So he mixed it up with American and
got a strange Loyd Grossman voice.Copy !req
268. He's got the worst voice
in the world! It's very odd.Copy !req
269. If you get a bang on the head,
it happens. Is he gay?Copy !req
270. No. I just thought it'd be great
if he got married to Brian Sewell.Copy !req
271. "Oh, menage!"
And they had a thing
with Brian Blessed.Copy !req
272. But... No, stop it.Copy !req
273. Can I do a Brian Blessed story?
It won't get in, but it's great.
He tried to climb Everest.Copy !req
274. At one point they had to sleep
at the edge of a glacier.Copy !req
275. They were all in a tent which was
like hanging off a washing line.Copy !req
276. In order to go for a poo,
you have to get out, go along
the line and do it into outer space.Copy !req
277. There was a howling gale
and one guy went, "I want a shit,"
about three in the morning.Copy !req
278. Off he goes, does it, gets back in,
and they're all in this tent,
hanging off this washing line.Copy !req
279. After about 10 minutes,
someone went...Copy !req
280. He had done a poo, it had
flown round space a bit and landed
in the hood of his jacket.Copy !req
281. Oh, dear me. Ooh.Copy !req
282. What a shithead. Anyway...Copy !req
283. What's this for?Copy !req
284. It's not four, it's three.Copy !req
285. Brrrilliant!Copy !req
286. Anyway, you get a sweet.
Very good. I liked that one.Copy !req
287. Some sort of support for the
building? There used to be more?Copy !req
288. It's a close-up of the road
with speed bumps.Copy !req
289. No, it's an architectural feature
you'll see all over the world.Copy !req
290. That's a column underneath it.
There would be a column.Copy !req
291. That goes along the top
and gives you specific information
about the column. Not exactly.Copy !req
292. It's called a triglif. That's right.Copy !req
293. And what is quite interesting
about triglifs is that they areCopy !req
294. a vestige of what was left over
when Greeks built temples in wood.Copy !req
295. And they would have three planks
in a line... Yes.Copy !req
296. .. Supporting...?
Go on, Steve. Go on.Copy !req
297. Supporting the roof. The roof. When
they started with marble... Marble.Copy !req
298. .. they just echoed...
And...Copy !req
299. So there you are. There you are.Copy !req
300. That's the last time
you're allowed to do that.Copy !req
301. I love Hollywood movies set in Rome
or Greece where they rebuild ruins.Copy !req
302. Yes, I know! "We're going to do
a film set in Ancient Rome.
They lived in ruins."Copy !req
303. Not at the time!
It's years later they were ruins,
you bloody fool!Copy !req
304. They say of the Acroc... Acropolis
where the Parthenon is...Copy !req
305. They say of the Acropolis,
where the Parthenon is,Copy !req
306. that they...Copy !req
307. Oh, dear. It turns out
they didn't say anything at all!Copy !req
308. They say of the Acropolis,
where the Parthenon is...Copy !req
309. Hey! Everyone...Copy !req
310. Fight! Fight! Fight!
Bloody hell, this better be good.Copy !req
311. Moving on...Copy !req
312. So the triglif is a remnant
of the stone...Copy !req
313. Just got a question.
What do they say about the Acropolis
where the Parthenon is?Copy !req
314. They say...Copy !req
315. They say of the Acropolis...
What do they say? What do they say?Copy !req
316. Can I write it down?
And read it. It says...Copy !req
317. You've got to tell us now.
Somehow... They say of the Acropolis
where the Parthenon is...Copy !req
318. .. that there are no straight lines.
Yay!Copy !req
319. Damn you.Copy !req
320. Do they?Copy !req
321. Whatever!Copy !req
322. Well, that's your lot for the year.
From Alan and me and all our guests,Copy !req
323. good night. Happy Christmas.
See you next year.Copy !req