1. Well, good evening, good evening,Copy !req
2. good evening, good EVENING...Copy !req
3. and welcome to QI, which tonight
is utterly devoted to England.Copy !req
4. Let's meet our green and pleasant
panel.Copy !req
5. Gentleman and scholar, Sean
Locke!Copy !req
6. Thank you.Copy !req
7. A thoroughly decent chap,
Charlie Higson!Copy !req
8. Thank you.Copy !req
9. That hail-fellow-well-met,
Phill Jupitus!Copy !req
10. Hello.Copy !req
11. And... somebody from Wales.Copy !req
12. Oh, no!Copy !req
13. It was, in fact, the Irish MP,
Daniel O'Connell, who said,Copy !req
14. "The Englishman has all the
qualities of a poker,Copy !req
15. "except its occasional warmth."Copy !req
16. Let's show him just how wrong he was
with a display of toasty,
heart-warming patriotism.Copy !req
17. Sean goes...Copy !req
18. Oh, I think I forgot this one! No!Copy !req
19. Charlie goes...Copy !req
20. And Alan goes...Copy !req
21. Thank you!Copy !req
22. How do you do, Mr Davies?Copy !req
23. I am fine, thanks. Ohhhh!Copy !req
24. Thank goodness for that!Copy !req
25. That's so pleasing. Yes, we start
with a little bit of English manners
there.Copy !req
26. There are no rights or wrongs here,Copy !req
27. but it is considered very bad form
to answer the question,
"How do you do?"Copy !req
28. It's "How do you do?" back.
How do YOU do?Copy !req
29. You COULD stress "you".
Just "How do you do?".Copy !req
30. HOW do you do? Or a small bow?
How DO you do? Yes.Copy !req
31. Oh, don't forget, by the way,
we have in our E series
an elephant-in-the-room bonus...Copy !req
32. ..like that. Thank you, exactly.Copy !req
33. If you spot an elephant in any
question, you get a bonus, but
beware.Copy !req
34. You could get a penalty if there is
no elephant.Copy !req
35. So... We've already had our first
question, "How do you do?",Copy !req
36. to which it's
"How do you do?" or a small bow.Copy !req
37. So, ten points off to the foreigner.
Let's see...Copy !req
38. .. if you can all do better
with our question two.Copy !req
39. Can you name a single lake
in the English Lake District?Copy !req
40. Charlie.Copy !req
41. There we are. Straight in, top of
the show. Windermere.Copy !req
42. Ohhh!Copy !req
43. Ohhh! I've only been on 20 seconds!Copy !req
44. It's a tragic introduction to the
world of...Copy !req
45. How can Lake Windermere not be a lake
in the Lake District?Copy !req
46. It isn't called Lake Windermere.Copy !req
47. Yes, it is. Only by people who don't
know what it should be called.Copy !req
48. The Moon!Copy !req
49. Any other thoughts as to a lake
in the Lake District?Copy !req
50. He's going for it!Copy !req
51. Coniston Water. Ohhhh!Copy !req
52. Now there, the clue is actually in
the title, Coniston WATER.Copy !req
53. It's a WATER. There are waters,
and there are meres, and there are
tarns, but there IS one lake.Copy !req
54. Try Lake Titicaca!Copy !req
55. Lake Titicaca.Copy !req
56. Does anyone know it? Anyone know it?Copy !req
57. Bassenthwaite!
Oh, very good!Copy !req
58. Audience, did you say
"Bassenthwaite"?Copy !req
59. You get... I think, ten points
to the audience.Copy !req
60. Astounding, astounding.Copy !req
61. We're very impressed. Yeah...Copy !req
62. but you give them ten points shared
amongst them, that's like 0.0001...Copy !req
63. That's like a Tesco Clubcard point,
really.Copy !req
64. It's true. Even Bassenthwaite
was once called Bassen Water,Copy !req
65. and only recently called a lake.
They're all meres, waters...Copy !req
66. You see? Windermere is just
Windermere.Copy !req
67. Coniston Water, Haweswater,
Ullswater, Thirlmere...Copy !req
68. But there it is, Bassenthwaite Lake.
Weird.Copy !req
69. Crafty Cumbrian bastards!Copy !req
70. So there you are. Now, who was the
first king of both England and
Scotland?Copy !req
71. James I.Copy !req
72. Sir! Sir...! Yes? Is it... Canute,
or someone like that?Copy !req
73. It's a little later than Canute, but
you're right, it's pre-William I.Copy !req
74. That's NOT how the crown looks,
by the way.Copy !req
75. Maybe when the Queen goes
to a British Lions rugby match...Copy !req
76. She normally has a couple of Coke
cans on her head. Yes!Copy !req
77. No, cos actually James I
WAS the first one to have
what was called the triple crownCopy !req
78. of Scotland, Wales, England and
Ireland,Copy !req
79. but not the first to have the double
throne of Scotland and England.Copy !req
80. Who was? An Edward? Ethel...
Ethelgluebert? That kind of...Copy !req
81. Athelink, Athelbert... King
Engelbert Humperdinck?Copy !req
82. Athelstane. King Athelstane, 937AD.
His hand...Copy !req
83. He's got a hand like a Simpson...Copy !req
84. Incredible we didn't know that.Copy !req
85. King Constantine II of Scotland
submitted to him in 937,Copy !req
86. as did the kings of Cornwall, Wales
and Northumbria,Copy !req
87. when he became the first king of all
Britain... Athelstane.Copy !req
88. I would also have allowed Edward I,
which is wrong, but not as wrong as
James I.Copy !req
89. So... erm, what's the chap behind me
trying to tell us?Copy !req
90. Did you see that, on the right? It
loops around again... The fellow on
the right,Copy !req
91. that fellow... There he is!
What's that about?Copy !req
92. He's saying, "I've still got my
fingers, so I can still fire
arrows!"Copy !req
93. Yeah. Unfortunately, that is
completely untrue.Copy !req
94. Particularly people who seem to
re-enact battles, they say,Copy !req
95. "Ohh, the French used to cut off the
fingers,Copy !req
96. "and English archers who
still had any would go like that,
'Look, we've got our fingers.' "Copy !req
97. It is nonsense. This rumour didn't
arrive until the 1970s.Copy !req
98. I actually know what it means. Yeah?
BLEEP off!Copy !req
99. There you are! That's pretty
straightforward.Copy !req
100. That was an easy answer, that one,
I thought. Yeah. It was.Copy !req
101. I always liked
Andy Warhol's rabbit period.Copy !req
102. It's like, Gilbert and George can't
really be bothered, they're phoning
it in this week!Copy !req
103. Some think this may be about the
cuckold,Copy !req
104. and the horns were the symbol of the
cuckold.Copy !req
105. And people used to do THAT to show,
you know, "I'm shagging your wife",Copy !req
106. but... maybe that meant the same
thing. Right. I see. No-one's
entirely sure.Copy !req
107. One thing they're very sure of is,
there's absolutely no evidence of
anything to do with archers,Copy !req
108. beguiling as that explanation is.Copy !req
109. Charlie, I'm glad someone is.
Did someone pull a face?Copy !req
110. What did he do?Copy !req
111. Come on! Own up!Copy !req
112. He cuckolded me, Stephen!Copy !req
113. I thought, if I tell him now, he has
to pretend to be all jovial about it.Copy !req
114. Now, I'm going to offer points if
you can tell me the connection
between that signCopy !req
115. and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.Copy !req
116. Yes? Eh... the... end of the war?Copy !req
117. "V" for victory? And why is that
Beethoven's Fifth?Copy !req
118. Ba-ba-ba-BAAA... Morse code.Copy !req
119. Exactly. The Morse code for the
letter "V" for victory.Copy !req
120. Points to Phill! Wow! Well done.Copy !req
121. Very good. Very good. I watch enough
war films!Copy !req
122. Very good indeed, yes. The earliest
known use of the "V" sign dates from
1901, nothing to doCopy !req
123. with medieval archers, a theory that
was first put about in 1970.Copy !req
124. Now, you're with a group of Eton
boys. Somebody shouts, "Abumgang!",
right?Copy !req
125. What action should you take?Copy !req
126. Book about 8 meg of space
on YouTube.Copy !req
127. Just... to be ready. Yeah.Copy !req
128. Toast some muffins or something,
like at Eton?Copy !req
129. It's REALLY serious stuff, toast.Copy !req
130. REALLY good toast, my fag makes the
BEST BLOODY toast, really SENIOR
toast...Copy !req
131. No, but toast is... Well, that's all
they have. They can't drink, so...Copy !req
132. It's currency in those places.
So what about "abumgang"?Copy !req
133. Well...Copy !req
134. I assume... Well...!Copy !req
135. Eh... I dunno... Who would shout
that? One of the boys would shout,
"Abumgang!"?Copy !req
136. Is it used in Fives, or something?
Is sport involved? Well, it's...Copy !req
137. we're nowhere near. That photograph
is, I'm afraid, a heck of a
distraction. We should be there.Copy !req
138. We should be there in the
Highlands...Copy !req
139. Yes, Charlie?
Is that Bassenthwaite Lake?Copy !req
140. No, it's the Highlands of Cameroon.Copy !req
141. It's in Africa. Is that where the
Abumgang come from?Copy !req
142. They're the Eton tribe. They're
called, "The Eton." I say.Copy !req
143. And "abumgang" is actually a word in
their language, and it just means,
"thank you".Copy !req
144. Abumgang.Copy !req
145. A beautiful woman is a mimiminga...
..it turns out.Copy !req
146. That's the Cameroons Eton tribe.
They have other ethnic groups,Copy !req
147. called the Bum, the Bang, the
Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the
Tang, the Wun,Copy !req
148. the Wan, the Wo, and of course the
Pongo.Copy !req
149. Who discovered this tribe -
Benny Hill?Copy !req
150. I know it does rather speak to all
our prejudices about these African
languages.Copy !req
151. IF someone would say "abumgang" to
you, you should say, "my pleasure",
or "you're welcome".Copy !req
152. A memorable night out might result
in ANY language. So... fingers on
buzzers,Copy !req
153. and stop me when you know what I'm
talking about.Copy !req
154. Born in the Sudan, he moved to
Cairo, to Paris, and then to London,Copy !req
155. where he became immensely popular.Copy !req
156. When it was announced in 1882...Copy !req
157. There's an elephant in the room!Copy !req
158. Why is that?
Whoever he is, he's an elephant.Copy !req
159. He's right!Copy !req
160. Very good!Copy !req
161. Was he... Jumbo? Was he Jumbo? He
was Jumbo the Elephant! Very good.Copy !req
162. That's brilliant! Well done.Copy !req
163. He was the most famous animal in the
world, and he gave his name to
anything big.Copy !req
164. Jumbo jets are named after Jumbo the
Elephant. It was simply his name.
He was such an enormous elephant.Copy !req
165. Look at the size of that elephant!
Mm. That is a big elephant.Copy !req
166. That is one big elephant. He's like
the size of an elephant, isn't he? He
IS! Basically, he is.Copy !req
167. You see, London Zoo gave a rhino to
Paris Zoo and got Jumbo in return,
which was a marvellous, marvellousCopy !req
168. bargain, because he became
incredibly popular. But THEN an
American paid $10,000 for Jumbo,Copy !req
169. to take him to America. Who would
that American have been?Copy !req
170. PT Barnum, I should hazard a guess...
Phineas T Barnum, who else? Exactly.Copy !req
171. Then he died and he had him stuffed
and people still paid to see him.Copy !req
172. Absolutely right. There were riots,
debates in parliament,Copy !req
173. people threatened to kill Barnum,
and even threatened to kill Jumbo,Copy !req
174. saying that Jumbo dead was better
than Jumbo exported...Copy !req
175. ..a rather bizarre way
of looking at it.Copy !req
176. That's a hell of a march to go on,
isn't it? Yes! Kill Jumbo!Copy !req
177. "What do we want? Dead Jumbo!"Copy !req
178. But as they say, $10,000 was a lot
of money, but when Barnum got into
America, in three daysCopy !req
179. he made $30,000 out of him. By the
end he'd made 1.5 million in only
three years from this.Copy !req
180. Jumbo mania was even BIGGER in
America. They went CRAZY for this
animal.Copy !req
181. They'd pay anything to see it.Copy !req
182. But as you say, it was actually in
Ontario he'd done his circus, which
was called...?Copy !req
183. What was the name of the circus?
The Greatest...? The Greatest Show
On Earth. Oh, right.Copy !req
184. He had 29 elephants safely put into
the freight cars. The two leftCopy !req
185. were the smallest elephant,
Tom Thumb, and his biggest,
obviously Jumbo.Copy !req
186. And an unscheduled train came, and
poor Jumbo got the full force. 100
places, his skull was broken in.Copy !req
187. Took 126 men to lift him off the
track. He was cradled in the arms of
his trainer, Mr Scott...Copy !req
188. and he died.Copy !req
189. I don't want him!Copy !req
190. So Barnum's got the little elephant
and the great big one. If he gets
them of decreasing size,Copy !req
191. he can hollow them out and have
Russian elephant dolls.Copy !req
192. But you're right also about the
stuffing. A taxidermist and the team
of six butchers then got to workCopy !req
193. on emptying poor Jumbo of his
insides and stuffing him with
whatever they stuff them with,Copy !req
194. and he was moved to Tufts
University. He was the mascot until
1975 and he was destroyed in a fire.Copy !req
195. And that's where we get Jumbo-sized
things and why we use the word
"jumbo" to mean big,Copy !req
196. because of that elephant.Copy !req
197. So, apart from the Bible, what do
you suppose was THE most successful,Copy !req
198. the best-selling book in all of
England, in the 16th century?Copy !req
199. Phill Jupitus.
The Little Book Of Syphilis.Copy !req
200. The Highway Code?Copy !req
201. Ah... no.Copy !req
202. The Highwayman Code.
The Highwayman Code!Copy !req
203. It was a book of etiquette for
school children, in fact... Oh.Copy !req
204. .. written by the great Dutch
humanist, Erasmus.Copy !req
205. Erasmus, it says on my card here,
and I'm rather pleased to know this,Copy !req
206. "He was a Dutch humanist and
theologian, immensely influential in
the Reformation,Copy !req
207. "and is the second most famous
alumnus of Queens' College,
Cambridge, after...?"Copy !req
208. You? YES!Copy !req
209. My word! Isn't that exciting? But...Copy !req
210. .. that's not true. They're just
being sweet, and I don't have a
portrait up like that.Copy !req
211. This book was designed to teach
children how to behave?Copy !req
212. Yes. Would you like to hear some of
its pearls of wisdom? Love to.Copy !req
213. "Do not be afraid of vomiting.Copy !req
214. "It is not vomiting, but holding the
vomit in your throat that is foul."Copy !req
215. No. No, what's foul is when you try
and stop it... Ughh, and it seeps
through the fingers!Copy !req
216. No, it flies off, like that!Copy !req
217. That's horrid. If you're on a Tube
waiting to get off,Copy !req
218. and you just can't wait, so you
think, oh, I'd better hold it in, and
suddenly the pressure... It sprays...Copy !req
219. It sprays over everybody around you.
When he was...Copy !req
220. Did he not put that in his book?
He didn't!Copy !req
221. "You should not offer your
handkerchief to anyone, unless it
has been freshly washed,Copy !req
222. "nor is it seemly after wiping your
nose to spread out your handkerchief
and peer into it as if..."Copy !req
223. "..as if pearls and rubies might
have fallen out of your head."Copy !req
224. "Do not move back and forth on your
chair.Copy !req
225. "Doing so gives the impression of
constantly breaking, or trying to
break, wind."Copy !req
226. It does. Not as much as doing THAT.Copy !req
227. Yeah, sideways. Oh! Thank you.Copy !req
228. There we are. Not to worry, all
pretend... I did that in an exam
once. Yeah?Copy !req
229. Farted, and someone thought
I was cheating.Copy !req
230. I was told off.Copy !req
231. I said, "I wasn't looking, I was
going, 'Aaah!' "Copy !req
232. Right, so that's it on
Civility And Children,Copy !req
233. written in 1530
by Dutch philosopher, Erasmus.Copy !req
234. As a guide to manners, it was a
standard textbook for English
schoolboys.Copy !req
235. Which brings us to my next question,
and nutters.Copy !req
236. Where exactly is the best place in
England to find nutters?Copy !req
237. Yea?Copy !req
238. On one of your documentaries!Copy !req
239. Thank you very much!Copy !req
240. True.Copy !req
241. Erm... I assume a nutter isn't
someone with mental health problems,
is it? No.Copy !req
242. Someone with no teeth?Copy !req
243. It's not very often you see younger
people grooming older people, is it?Copy !req
244. Can I bring you to a team
of geographers? The Centre
For Advanced Spatial AnalysisCopy !req
245. at University College, London has
analysed more than 500,000 surnamesCopy !req
246. and has found that Nutters are
preponderantly found in Blackburn.
That's where you'll find Nutters.Copy !req
247. Where will you find Pigges?
Two G's - Pigges.Copy !req
248. Norfolk?Copy !req
249. Newcastle, actually. Ooh. Yeah.
Daftes? There are quite a lot of
Daftes...Copy !req
250. The Midlands? Yes, Nottingham,
East Midlands, yeah. Had to be!Copy !req
251. Smellies? Suffolk.Copy !req
252. Apparently in Glasgow.
Smellies in Glasgow? Apparently.Copy !req
253. And in Huddersfield, you'll find
Bottoms.Copy !req
254. And in Taunton, Willies.Copy !req
255. The surnames that have most dwindled
over the last centuryCopy !req
256. are Handcock - not Hancock -
Glasscock, Hickinbottom,
Shufflebottom and Winterbottom.Copy !req
257. The most... We had a Jimmy Glasscock
at school. Did you?Copy !req
258. Yeah. You could always see when he
was coming!Copy !req
259. Oh, yes! Quality!Copy !req
260. Oh, dear! Very good.Copy !req
261. I never thought I'd have a chance
to do that joke!Copy !req
262. Yeah, well, it really was brilliant.
There you are. Anyway...Copy !req
263. I want us to stay for just a little
longerCopy !req
264. and pluck a few thorny English roses
from the polytunnel
of general ignorance.Copy !req
265. So, fingers on buzzers, please.Copy !req
266. What will there be bluebirds over?Copy !req
267. Oh, he's in there. Charlie?Copy !req
268. I shouldn't have pressed it,
should I?Copy !req
269. Cos I'm gonna say... Yeah?Copy !req
270. Lake Windermere. Safe!Copy !req
271. Yes? White Cliffs Of Dover.Copy !req
272. Ohhhh!Copy !req
273. I had to say it.
Charlie wanted to say it. Yeah.Copy !req
274. Had to be got out.
Had to be resolved.Copy !req
275. Why won't there be bluebirds EVER
over...? Cos they're not native to
Britain.Copy !req
276. Quite right. Where ARE they native
to? Well, America... North America.Copy !req
277. ..it was written in America...
Written by Nat Burton, who'd never
been within 3,000 MILES of Dover...Copy !req
278. and he just thought it sounded good.Copy !req
279. There'd been a spate of them.
Over The Rainbow had recently been
written,Copy !req
280. the song from The Wizard Of Oz,
which has bluebirds in it, and of
course right up to Zippity Doo Dah,Copy !req
281. which has bluebirds in, then they
gave up on bluebirds. Yes.Copy !req
282. But it was associated with
happiness, for some reason.
But they don't exist in Europe.Copy !req
283. Pretty, though. There he is.Copy !req
284. He's blue, you've got to give him
that! Can't we bring some in?Copy !req
285. Let's just... spray up some robins.Copy !req
286. You don't wanna mess with robins.
They're feisty. They are very
feisty.Copy !req
287. Not with the spray gun in the beak.Copy !req
288. You just do the front - pshhht!
Turn it round - pshhht! Do the back.Copy !req
289. Bluebird. Wallop. Bosh.Copy !req
290. Could do some pigeons. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
291. I'd dye pigeons. They wouldn't mind,
so long as they had a sandwich!Copy !req
292. Now, how many times a year did Queen
Elizabeth I of England have a bath?Copy !req
293. Never.Copy !req
294. Mmm... Once, twice, three times,
four times, five times, six times,
seven times...Copy !req
295. Yes, all right. That was your
"once".Copy !req
296. See, it was thought indecent to
immerse oneself in water.Copy !req
297. Well, she... That is an actual
photograph of her taking a bath.Copy !req
298. She actually was considered rather
pernickety about that kind of thing.Copy !req
299. Four times a year at least, she
bathed. As the old adage says,
even if she didn't need one.Copy !req
300. In medieval England, though, baths
were very much more popular than we
suppose,Copy !req
301. with bath houses in every town.
The monks didn't like it, cos they
thought it led on to lewd behaviour.Copy !req
302. In fact they KNEW it led on to lewd
behaviour. They knew it, exactly!Copy !req
303. So, which is the smallest county in
England, please? Fingers...Copy !req
304. Rutland! Ohhh!Copy !req
305. Doesn't exist any more. Yeah.
Rutland does exist... Oh! It was
reintroduced as a county in 1997,Copy !req
306. so it exists. The awful thing is,
you're half right,Copy !req
307. but you're also half very, very
wrong.Copy !req
308. Ohhh! Tell me more.Copy !req
309. See if you can work it out. One,
there is a county that is smaller
than Rutland,Copy !req
310. but only for half the year.Copy !req
311. Eh? Oh...! Oh, no, I'm thinking of
the tide. That's every day.Copy !req
312. Yes! That's every day, but half
the day, it's... And therefore
if you tot it up into a year.Copy !req
313. Oh! But is it up there in the Fens?
No. Is it somewhere else on the
coast? No, it's a proper county.Copy !req
314. Anglesey? People think it's in
Hampshire.Copy !req
315. Oh, Isle of Wight? Isle of Wight is
its own county,Copy !req
316. and at high tide
it is smaller than Rutland.
But at low tide it's bigger. Wow!Copy !req
317. So there you have it. And we at QI
almost discovered this. It's not a
known fact.Copy !req
318. But they called up the Isle of Wight
Council and they have confirmed it
is true.Copy !req
319. So you heard it here first.
That's the sort of thing,Copy !req
320. once you're told that,
it's there forever.Copy !req
321. Yes, like some awful piece of
chewing gum stuck in the hair.Copy !req
322. Now, who owns all the swans in
England?Copy !req
323. Queen!Copy !req
324. What did you say? I said the Queen.Copy !req
325. What a pity! No. No, no.
The Queen's Estate, the Crown...Copy !req
326. No, the Queen owns all the
mute swans... What? Mute swans,Copy !req
327. but they're none of the other
breeds, hoopers or buick swans,Copy !req
328. and she only counts them in the
Thames. Is it the Bishop of
somewhere?Copy !req
329. No. It's all of us. They're not
owned by anybody. The Queen owns the
mute swans.Copy !req
330. Are they free swans? Exactly. They
are free swans, to roam and do as
they will.Copy !req
331. Marvellous animals, aren't they?
Mmm. They have penises like ducks,Copy !req
332. um, which... What, the penis
is in the shape of a duck?Copy !req
333. It would be a great joke of
nature's. Yes. No, but they're...Copy !req
334. It's very rare... A bit confusing
for a duck.Copy !req
335. Most birds don't have penises.
That's why the swans look so smug!Copy !req
336. A big duck-shaped penis
under the water.Copy !req
337. AND I can carry the kids on my back.Copy !req
338. What's the most common cause of
death amongst the swan population?Copy !req
339. The Queen. Is it? Not the Queen, no.Copy !req
340. The Queen's just gagging for swan!Copy !req
341. Apparently... A predator, or an
illness? No, it's electrocution.Copy !req
342. They're electrocuted. Ask them to
turn the telly over with a wet beak!Copy !req
343. Well, yes... Possibly.Copy !req
344. Put the light out, dear. ZZT!Copy !req
345. But roast swan - any swan - swan can
be legally eaten by... The Queen and
Prince Philip only.Copy !req
346. The royal family. And? Gypsies. No.Copy !req
347. Fellows...Copy !req
348. What's the point of being a gypsy
if you can't eat swans?Copy !req
349. Swans can be eaten by members of the
royal familyCopy !req
350. and by Fellows of St John's College,
Cambridge, on June 25th.Copy !req
351. That's my birthday! Can I have some?
Is it really? I'd like a swan
nugget.Copy !req
352. Just don't eat the bit that looks
like a duck. No.Copy !req
353. So you know these royals, Stephen.
Do they say what it tastes like?Copy !req
354. You must have had a bit. It's NOT
very pleasant. It's fishy. Fishy?Copy !req
355. But the best swan is from a cygnet.
They're fed oats, which is not
a normal thing,Copy !req
356. and then they don't get that fishy,
unpleasant flavour. They taste like
porridge?Copy !req
357. Well, possibly they do.Copy !req
358. Mmm. Does the Queen have, like, cold
swan in her fridge? Does she come in
late at night,Copy !req
359. picking up swan carcass, going...Copy !req
360. She opens the fridge. She loves the
neck, that's her favourite bit.Copy !req
361. Maybe so.Copy !req
362. Ah... From Fellows of
St John's, Cambridge, to Oxford.Copy !req
363. What is The Oxford History Of
England all about?Copy !req
364. Yes?Copy !req
365. England.Copy !req
366. Nay. You'd think it would be,
with a title like that.Copy !req
367. France?Copy !req
368. Not France neither. All right.
This one - Abyssinia! Come on! Yes!Copy !req
369. They didn't predict that.Copy !req
370. No kidding? Oxford History Of
England? Mm.Copy !req
371. It's simply, when you say England,
sometimes, accidentally, you might
actually mean... England? Britain.Copy !req
372. No. But you might say, oh yeah,
you know, the English are very good
at... blah, blah,Copy !req
373. but it should actually be Britain.
The fact is, it was perfectly normal
to say England for all of Britain,Copy !req
374. up until the 1930s, when Scottish
nationalism arose and they got
offended by it.Copy !req
375. Benjamin Disraeli signed the Treaty
of Berlin as the Prime Minister of
England,Copy !req
376. and it meant Great Britain,
technically. One part stood for all.Copy !req
377. So The Oxford History Of England is
actually the history of the British
Isles.Copy !req
378. I'm not saying it was right, but
it's just as it was. There you are.Copy !req
379. As AJP Taylor, the great historian,Copy !req
380. said when The Oxford History was
launched a generation ago,Copy !req
381. England was still an all-embracing
word, it meant England and Wales,Copy !req
382. Great Britain, the United Kingdom,
even the British Empire. This is not
to say the term "British"Copy !req
383. WASN'T used, just that England could
mean the whole thing.Copy !req
384. Where does the word England come
from? Why are we called English?Copy !req
385. Charlie Higson?Copy !req
386. Yes? Go on, go on. Well, one, you
know... All right, the Angles. Yes!
Quite correct.Copy !req
387. You see?Copy !req
388. Where did the Angles come from?
Anglesey. America. Anglesey!Copy !req
389. America? Australia.Copy !req
390. They were kind of Germanic. Yeah,
north, very north, towards Denmark.
Schleswig-Holstein is the area.Copy !req
391. But it turns out that actually DNA
on Britons and English people shows
that in fact most of the indigenousCopy !req
392. Britons originally came from the
Basque area, walked over when the
Channel,Copy !req
393. which is only 9,000 years old,
probably... We had wolves and
bears... Yes.Copy !req
394. All right. Stop writing. That is the
end of the English exam.Copy !req
395. It's time to post the results on the
notice board,Copy !req
396. prior to coming and seeing me
in my study. And... Bumgang!Copy !req
397. Our English master this week,
with minus eight points,
is Phill Jupitus!Copy !req
398. And hot on his behind... I probably
could have put that better.Copy !req
399. He didn't start too well,
but my God, he made up for it.Copy !req
400. On minus 15, Charlie Higson!Copy !req
401. And on minus 29, just avoiding
rustication, is Sean Locke!Copy !req
402. Thank you.Copy !req
403. So we know who'll be adopting the
position and awaiting my pleasure
in the study.Copy !req
404. With minus 59 points,
it's Alan Davies!Copy !req
405. Of course, as can occasionally
happen, due to their superior
and extraordinary knowledgeCopy !req
406. of the Lake District,
the real winners, with plus 10,Copy !req
407. are the AUDIENCE!Copy !req
408. So that's it for this week from
Charlie, Sean, Phill, Alan and
myself.Copy !req
409. Jolly boating weather to you,
and this last thought from the
not-at-all English Oscar Wilde.Copy !req
410. "If England treats her criminals the
way she has treated me, she doesn't
deserve to have any."Copy !req
411. Good night.Copy !req