1. Hello, hello,
hello and welcome to QI -Copy !req
2. the show that refreshes
the parts other shows
don't even have names for.Copy !req
3. I'm glad to say we have
names for four parts already.Copy !req
4. They are Barry Cryer,
Jeremy Hardy...Copy !req
5. .. Jeremy Clarkson and Alan Davies.Copy !req
6. The rules are sensible,
the questions indispensable,Copy !req
7. the panel incomprehensible,
and the scoring indefensible.Copy !req
8. Let's get started. Jeremy goes...Copy !req
9. Barry goes...Copy !req
10. And Jeremy C goes...Copy !req
11. He's got mine!Copy !req
12. You see! Yes!Copy !req
13. Yes! And Alan goes...Copy !req
14. There we are. Good. So...Copy !req
15. They're all car-related,
aren't they? They seemed to be.
Well picked up.Copy !req
16. First, some questions about Britain.Copy !req
17. Which British profession is
down to its last 15 people?Copy !req
18. 15? 15 practitioners.Copy !req
19. Jeremy. Bear-baiting referees.Copy !req
20. Not... No... Well, let's hope there
are none of those.
Are there any bears in Britain now?Copy !req
21. In zoos only, I believe.
Do you remember Hercules the bear?
He was a TV star.Copy !req
22. He mauled a television presenter.Copy !req
23. And he's here tonight!Copy !req
24. Oh...!Copy !req
25. I remember Jeremy, there was
a Jeremy... Two Jeremys here.
Jeremy who was the Sugar Puffs bear.Copy !req
26. You don't meet many American
Jeremys. Have you ever met one?Copy !req
27. No, it's too complicated.
There's three syllables.Copy !req
28. Is it people who make windmills?
No, it's...Copy !req
29. There are 15 adult practitioners?
15 registered professionals.Copy !req
30. I suspect there are many
more amateurs. Teachers.Copy !req
31. Town criers, no. Though
the voice DOES come into this.Copy !req
32. I was
going to say commode servicers. No.Copy !req
33. The voice.
There used to be lots more of them?Copy !req
34. They use their voice professionally,
there used to be 400 or
so in the 1950s. In the '50s?Copy !req
35. The name means "stomach talker".Copy !req
36. Ventriloquist.
Ventriloquist is the right answer.Copy !req
37. Well, you said stomach.Copy !req
38. There are now only
15 ventriloquists -Copy !req
39. and Keith Harris, that's 16. No,
there are only 15 professional
ventriloquists left in Britain.Copy !req
40. Did you know any? I saw...Copy !req
41. I saw a topless event recently.
Really? Never saw her lips move!Copy !req
42. Who was the one - the radio one,
who was hopeless? Peter Brough.
Peter Brough. Wonderful.Copy !req
43. But his lips moved all the time.Copy !req
44. Yes. He was on the radio, Stephen!
I know, but he did do stage
performances.Copy !req
45. He must have stood right
at the back of the stage.Copy !req
46. He became so popular, it all went
to his head. And he went on to
stage and just... spoke like this!Copy !req
47. You could see his lips moving.
Beryl Reid was in Educating Archie,
this show,Copy !req
48. and Peter was a nice man
and got very self-conscious
about his lack of skill,Copy !req
49. and he said, "Beryl,
do you ever see my lips moving?"Copy !req
50. And she said, "Only
when the doll's talking!"Copy !req
51. Ken Campbell does a show
about it, doesn't he?Copy !req
52. Yes. A whole show about
ventriloquism,Copy !req
53. which he reckons is one of the
oldest arts ever.Copy !req
54. How do they know it's one of
the oldest jobs in the world?Copy !req
55. Supposedly prostitution
is the oldest profession. Yes. How
do they know that? Well, quite.Copy !req
56. That's its sobriquet -
the oldest profession? Yeah.
You never know how they know.Copy !req
57. There was a time when there were
only prostitutes and ventriloquists
kicking around.Copy !req
58. Everyone else was self-sufficient
like Tom and Barbara.Copy !req
59. They were divided into two - those
whose lips moved, and those
whose lips didn't move.Copy !req
60. I think that's funny,
but I'm not sure why!Copy !req
61. There are however 280,000 heroin
and crack addicts in Britain.
Are there really? Yeah.Copy !req
62. Yes. I've just spent the weekend in
Amsterdam where I combined the two.
Well done!Copy !req
63. Drugs and prostitution. The rule book
for Dutch prostitutes is that thick.Copy !req
64. It's an inch thick,Copy !req
65. of what you can and can't do. I bet
they can do something with that,
though, can't they?Copy !req
66. I went into a brothel on Saturday...Copy !req
67. You heard it here first, folks!Copy !req
68. It's exactly like the motorway
service station lavatory.Copy !req
69. Bet that was a welcome break!
The smell...Copy !req
70. You don't deserve that kind of luck!
It doesn't work.Copy !req
71. You don't deserve it. So, how many
crack and heroin addicts? 280,000.Copy !req
72. Yeah. But this is worse -
there are 50,000 practitioners
of alternative medicine.Copy !req
73. There are 75,000 people in prison.
Oh, yes. It was announced today.Copy !req
74. Yes. Thank you. Very good.
Have a point.Copy !req
75. There are 10,000 practising druids
in Britain.Copy !req
76. They're not all Welsh, are they? No.
They're from Somerset. Yes.Copy !req
77. The Archbishop
of Glastonbury and Stonehenge's
name is Rollo Maughfling.Copy !req
78. Rollo Maughfling? It's speltCopy !req
79. It sounds like a practice. You are
charged with rollo maughfling.Copy !req
80. I only maughfled one, sir!Copy !req
81. So, what is a Birmingham
screwdriver?Copy !req
82. A drink.Copy !req
83. Oh, Barry! Oh, Barry! Oh, Barry!Copy !req
84. Can we go on to say
what we think might be in the drink?Copy !req
85. Yes, if it were a drink.
Wine. W-H-I.Copy !req
86. W... Ooh! Do Brummies whine, then?Copy !req
87. If Einstein had been from Birmingham,
no one would have takenCopy !req
88. the
theory of relativity seriously.Copy !req
89. Nigel Mansell was from near
Birmingham, and it says it all,
doesn't it? A huge ferret...Copy !req
90. "He crossed the
track in front of mine..."Copy !req
91. You've won! You've got a billion
pounds and a yacht.Copy !req
92. "Not a very big one, though."Copy !req
93. I'm sorry to all our viewers
who are from Birmingham. But...Copy !req
94. I'M not. No.Copy !req
95. Brummagem is an old word for... -
hence Brum - and Brummagem ware
is a type of...Copy !req
96. Sort of counterfeit tacky stuff
was known as Brummagem ware.Copy !req
97. And Birmingham workers were
considered a bit oafish,
shall we say?Copy !req
98. So, a Birmingham screwdriver
might well be...? A hammer.Copy !req
99. Exactly. Well done. A hammer.Copy !req
100. They see a screw and think, "Sod it.
I'll just hammer it in." They can't
be bothered to... In the 1970s.Copy !req
101. if you went to the old Birmingham
housing estates, when they all used
to work for British Leyland,Copy !req
102. everybody's bathroom was Maxi green,
and the front - Marina beige.Copy !req
103. All the paint-shop paint was just
taken home and everything was paintedCopy !req
104. in car colour, and it was at
a period when orange was popular.Copy !req
105. It was, indeed. Burnt-orange sitting
rooms. Allegros were orange.Copy !req
106. The Allegro - I'll tell you something
good about that.Copy !req
107. It was more aerodynamic going
backwards... than it was...Copy !req
108. That's gorgeous!Copy !req
109. That was a Birmingham product.Copy !req
110. They have some colourful sayings.
I have one here.Copy !req
111. "He'd skin a turd for a farthing."Copy !req
112. There was that folklore about
Enoch, and... Excuse my voice.Copy !req
113. A-hem. I've had Ruby Wax
on the phone today.Copy !req
114. Fell off twice!Copy !req
115. But what Enoch and Eli -
two legendary folklore
characters from Birmingham...Copy !req
116. Enoch's fishing by the canal
and his mate Eli comes up and says,
"Have you caught anything?Copy !req
117. He says, "I caught a whale."Copy !req
118. He said, "Where is it?"Copy !req
119. He said, "I threw it back."Copy !req
120. He said, "You caught a whale
and you threw it back? Why?"Copy !req
121. "It hadn't got any spokes in it."Copy !req
122. Oh-h!Copy !req
123. It's like the Nobby Holder joke.
Nobby... Noddy Holder of Slade.
There's a sort of reunionCopy !req
124. as the '70s and glam rock
becoming fashionable. He goes
to a costumier and says,Copy !req
125. "I've thrown out all me old
gear. I can't remember what I wore."Copy !req
126. The fellow says,
"We'll give you some loons."
"Oh, yeah. I wore loons."Copy !req
127. So, he puts the loons on. And
he says, "One of them tank tops."
"Oh, yeah. I'll have a tank top."Copy !req
128. And the fellow says,
"And what about a kipper tie?"Copy !req
129. "Oh, thanks. Yeah, milk, no sugar."Copy !req
130. Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy's from that neck
of the woods. There's loads of them!Copy !req
131. I've fallen off me quad bike!Copy !req
132. That was Jimmy Savile!
Jimmy Savile doing Ozzy Osbourne.Copy !req
133. I think Jimmy Savile invented
hip-hop, cos the tracksuits,
the jewellery...Copy !req
134. The bling-bling!Copy !req
135. Now, then, with my ho'
in the hood, there!Copy !req
136. Very good.Copy !req
137. Now let's have a question
which is NOT about Britain.Copy !req
138. Who has the least use
for Jeremy Clarkson?Copy !req
139. What two things come to
mind when we think of Jeremy?Copy !req
140. Top Gear and Brunel.
Cars and television is the key.Copy !req
141. It's a place that has got no...
Almost no cars and no television.Copy !req
142. Sark. You're quite right about
traffic there,Copy !req
143. but it does have as much television
as any other place.Copy !req
144. Is it the Channel Island area? No.Copy !req
145. Bhutan. Bhutan is the right answer!Copy !req
146. Well done. It is the Kingdom.
You've certainly got a point there.Copy !req
147. Except ... Except...Copy !req
148. .. they have got television. In 1999.
Yeah.Copy !req
149. It is where they do all the
television surveys to find out if
television actually has an effect.Copy !req
150. It's completely wrecked the place.
It has ruined it.Copy !req
151. It's gone from people
going "mmm-mmm" all dayCopy !req
152. to just sitting around stabbing one
another, wearing perfume,Copy !req
153. and drinking Coca-Cola,
and wanting to be American.Copy !req
154. And parking fees have now been
introduced, as well. In Bhutan?Copy !req
155. It has no traffic lights in the
whole kingdom. Where is it? >Copy !req
156. It's sort of between
China and India in the Himalayas.Copy !req
157. India has no speed limits.
India has no speed limits?
And every car in India,Copy !req
158. within five years of it being bought,
will be involved
in a fatal road accident.Copy !req
159. The UK, on the other hand,
has the highest number
of car thefts in the world.Copy !req
160. My motorbike was stolen
two weeks ago. Bummer.Copy !req
161. It's a black Suzuki DR650.Copy !req
162. You should do the whole police press
conference bit and say, "Now, this
bike thief knows who he is."Copy !req
163. I have an American cousin who
is a doctor. He was visiting me
when I used to ride a motorbike,Copy !req
164. and he didn't know this
and we met in a restaurant.Copy !req
165. He saw me checking in my Skid Lid,
as we... Did you?biker boys
called them. Helmets, we call 'em!Copy !req
166. He said,
"I didn't know you rode a bike. Do
you know what we call bike ridersCopy !req
167. "at the trauma department
at the Roosevelt Hospital?"Copy !req
168. I said no. He said, "Donors".Copy !req
169. And then two days later a friend
was talking about her aunt who was
at Moorfields Eye Hospital,Copy !req
170. and she was going to have a cataract
operation or a corneal graft.Copy !req
171. And the consultant said,
"Now, Mrs Alton,
I'm sure you have heard about it -Copy !req
172. "we're going to cut out that nasty
old lens, that cloudy old lens,Copy !req
173. "and we're going to sew in a nice
bright fresh new one.Copy !req
174. "It's a simple operation,
only takes a few hours
and you'll be seeing wonderfully.Copy !req
175. "The only trouble is we don't have
any donor eyes in at the moment."Copy !req
176. He went up to the window
and said, "But it's raining,
so it shouldn't be too long."Copy !req
177. Most people in Bhutan live more
than a day's walk from a road.
It is a very rural country indeed.Copy !req
178. Only 0.01% of the country are on
the internet, for heaven's sakeCopy !req
179. But if you got that from the
internet, it'll be wrong. Yeah.Copy !req
180. Every single one of the 247 billion
facts on the internet is wrong.Copy !req
181. Funnily enough, although the
country's domain initials are ".bt",Copy !req
182. it only has supposedly about 6,000
telephones in the whole country.Copy !req
183. And it only went on the telephone
in 1980.Copy !req
184. Do you know the one
about the only two democraciesCopy !req
185. that have ever declared war
on each other?
No. In the whole of human history.Copy !req
186. Britain's one of them. Of course it
is. We've been in every single war.Copy !req
187. Go on, then. Finland. WWII.
When they declared war on Russia,
we declared war on them,Copy !req
188. and they were a democracy.
But it's the only two times -
no shots were fired.Copy !req
189. We declared war on Finland? Yeah,
because they were fighting Russia.
Did we beat them?Copy !req
190. No, we never even went. We never even
went. "We're at war with you..."
That's a rubbish war!Copy !req
191. It was the worst war in the world.Copy !req
192. Which is the odd one out
from these four - cuckoo,
ferret, grasshopper, camel?Copy !req
193. Jeremy? Camel is the only one
you can't get down your trousers.Copy !req
194. Is it anything to do with their
attributes, or is it something
people do to them or with them?Copy !req
195. It's something you do TO an animal,
certainly. Eating them?Copy !req
196. You can eat all of them...Copy !req
197. You can eat all of them, but there
are certain classes of people
who lay down laws about eating.Copy !req
198. The Queen has been invited
to eat them and has declined.
"My husband'll try that one!"Copy !req
199. If you've had a little snip
here, what are you?Copy !req
200. You're... impotent. You're Jewish!
Leviticus is the right answer.Copy !req
201. Exactly. It's the third book of
Moses, in which the laws are laid
down.Copy !req
202. The dietary laws are known as kosher
laws. You can't eat shellfish.
Yes, not one.Copy !req
203. There isn't a shellfish up there.
But you can't. I'm just saying.Copy !req
204. Or pork. "That without fins and
or scales in the water shall
be an abomination unto you."Copy !req
205. Also that is where it says you
mustn't be gay. That's right.Copy !req
206. It's odd, isn't it, how many
fundamentalist Christians carry on
eating porkCopy !req
207. while going on about not hating gay
people? Yeah.Copy !req
208. And seafood, you can't eat -
especially winkles. That's right.Copy !req
209. That's two for the price of one,
isn't it? Yes!Copy !req
210. It's grasshoppers.
All those other three are
specifically mentioned in Leviticus.Copy !req
211. Grasshoppers you CAN eat. They
are not mentioned. They are exempt.Copy !req
212. You can eat a grasshopper,
but the other three...
I'll give you a list, if you like.Copy !req
213. It actually says in Leviticus that
you cannot eat lobster, crab, frogs,
chameleons, eels, hares, snails,Copy !req
214. lizards, moles, ravens, ospreys,
vultures, swans, storks, herons,Copy !req
215. bats, pelicans, lapwings,
prawns and eagles.Copy !req
216. Absolutely. Thank God for that.Copy !req
217. Oh! Thought I was in trouble
for a minute. Can you have Cheddar?Copy !req
218. It doesn't specifically mention
regions of countries
it didn't know about.Copy !req
219. Well, it's being pretty
precise about some stuff!Copy !req
220. You said "eagles"? Eagles.Copy !req
221. You know about the guy
who shot a golden eagle?Copy !req
222. Preserved species. And he was in
court in front of a magistrate,Copy !req
223. and the magistrate said,
"This is a dreadful thing."Copy !req
224. He said, "I never intended to. I was
shooting pheasant and it flew into
my line of fire. Complete accident."Copy !req
225. The magistrate said,
"OK. As a matter of interest,
what did you do with it?"Copy !req
226. He said, "I ate it."Copy !req
227. The magistrate said, "Good
God. What did it taste like?"Copy !req
228. He said, "Rather like swan."Copy !req
229. They're all going to be
killed by those wind turbines,
so you may as well eat them. Yeah.Copy !req
230. I don't think they use turbines.
It all has to be done humanely.
Yeah!Copy !req
231. They have to stun it first, and then
they throw it up into the turbine.Copy !req
232. What is Leviticus? What does that
mean? It's the Latinisation of the
Levi, which is a type of priest.Copy !req
233. puppy. Oh! A puppy called Leviticus.Copy !req
234. What a good name! It was the third,
actually, because it was Genesis,
Exodus, Leviticus,Copy !req
235. and then we ended up with Numbers.
Yeah?Copy !req
236. You always called your pets Gilbert
and Sullivan, and Bubble and Squeak,Copy !req
237. and you always ended up, after a road
accident, with Gilbert and Squeak.Copy !req
238. You always ended up with...
Whisky and Pepper! Yeah!Copy !req
239. So true! So true!
I did have two guinea pigs -
Gilbert and Squeak. That's true.Copy !req
240. How would two guinea pigs get
involved in a road accident? >Copy !req
241. Do you know the Roadkill Cafe?
I think it's in Wyoming.Copy !req
242. The idea is if you knock anything
over in your car, you take it in,
and they will cook it.Copy !req
243. I love that whether it is an elk or
a tiny little possum or something...Copy !req
244. An old lady...Copy !req
245. Absolutely!Copy !req
246. Their poster,
which is all over Wyoming,
all over the main road there,Copy !req
247. is "The Roadkill Cafe -
from your grill to ours."Copy !req
248. What are those birds called
in Australia with the...?
Huge things. They can fly...Copy !req
249. Michelle. Emus. They... Emus?
They're great big flying things...Copy !req
250. Rheas? and they fly down in the
night and they gorge on these animalsCopy !req
251. that have been run over -
the roadkill - in the night.Copy !req
252. Kangaroos. Koalas. And then when
the road train comes along
in the morning -Copy !req
253. the next one that comes along - these
things have eaten so much they can
only take off into the wind.Copy !req
254. And if the lorry is coming towards
them as they are taking off, they're
usually at windscreen height... Oh!Copy !req
255. Really, really unpleasant because
they are full of maggots. Oh!Copy !req
256. And they just come through the
windscreen and burst all over...Copy !req
257. And they have to drive the next -
and as it's Australia - 100 million
miles, covered in maggots.Copy !req
258. Our team wants you to know, Jeremy,
that it's the wedge-tailed eagle.Copy !req
259. Anyway, why does THIS man
like being bald?Copy !req
260. Because it makes him look like
a comical Cold War Bond villain...Copy !req
261. .. rather than the Butcher
of Grozny, for example.Copy !req
262. He is, if you want to call him that.
In other words, it's Vladimir Putin,Copy !req
263. who was extremely annoyed
and apparently hit someone when...Copy !req
264. It was his resemblance to Dobbie the
house elf in the Harry Potter films.Copy !req
265. Got very cross indeed. Lenin was
bald. Is he trying... You're on the
right lines, but take it further.Copy !req
266. Gorbachev?Copy !req
267. Gorbachev was also bald.
But what about the ones in between?Copy !req
268. Andropov dropped dead
while he was president.
Andropov died on the toilet.Copy !req
269. That was Elvis!
Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
270. Branwell Bronte, the brother of the
Bronte sisters, died standing up.Copy !req
271. Leaning on the... mantelpiece
after lunch.Copy !req
272. Just thought you ought to know.
They came down in the
morning and he was still there.Copy !req
273. For 120 years there has been
a succession of leaders of the
Russian state, or the Soviet state,Copy !req
274. who have alternated
between being hairy and bald.Copy !req
275. From Alexander, in 1881,
to Nicholas.Copy !req
276. Lenin was bald, Stalin had a full
head of hair, Khruschev was bald,Copy !req
277. Brezhnev was hairy.Copy !req
278. Andropov was bald, Chernenko
was hairy, Gorbachev was bald,Copy !req
279. and Yeltsin was hairy, and now we
have a bald one. The Russians take
this very seriously.Copy !req
280. A contributory factor in winning the
elections is that he's bald because
it's time for a bald leader.Copy !req
281. The next time it's
Brian May out of Queen!Copy !req
282. Is that me? It's General Ignorance.
I don't remember that being taken.Copy !req
283. I must've been really pissed.Copy !req
284. What a swell party
that must have been.Copy !req
285. Fingers on the buzzers.
Which war killed the highest
proportion of British soldiers?Copy !req
286. The American War of Independence.Copy !req
287. Good guess!Copy !req
288. English Civil War. The English
Civil War is the correct answer.Copy !req
289. Cos everybody killed in the
English Civil War was British. Right.Copy !req
290. Plus it was an exceptionally
bloody conflict. Very, very violent.Copy !req
291. And the population was small.
People only know the hairstyles.Copy !req
292. People say, "It's Roundheads and
Cavaliers." And you say, "Yeah.Copy !req
293. "One lot looks like the Grumbleweeds,Copy !req
294. "the other lot look like
Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen,
so it all kicks off."Copy !req
295. That man's got a wooden
leg and riding side-saddle.Copy !req
296. Apparently, 90% of
Britons cannot name a single
battle of the English Civil War.Copy !req
297. 80% do not know
which English king was executed
by Parliament.Copy !req
298. And 67% of schoolchildren
have never heard of Oliver Cromwell.Copy !req
299. Good! As a royalist, you think
his name should be buried.Copy !req
300. No, he was a dreadful man.Copy !req
301. He was truly, truly horrible -
one of the most horrible people
ever to have walked the land.Copy !req
302. But you wouldn't know that if you
didn't know about it. He wrecked
all our beautiful churches.Copy !req
303. He ripped away all the iconography
and graven imagesCopy !req
304. and replaced
them with the giant thermometers
you can still see to this day.Copy !req
305. How many British people
died in the Civil War, then?
85,000 on the battlefield -Copy !req
306. another 100,000 dying of their
wounds afterwards. The people who
really suffered were the Irish.Copy !req
307. It is estimated half the population
were decimated by Cromwell.Copy !req
308. A friend, who works at the Foreign
Office, told meCopy !req
309. that dear Robin Cook,
when the Labour Party came to power
and they were going,Copy !req
310. "We're going to be all ethical,"
and they took down some picture
in the FO of a Nepalese princeCopy !req
311. because it was imperialist, which
offended the Nepalese government,Copy !req
312. and they put up this big portrait
of Cromwell -Copy !req
313. Republican - a sort of lefty figure,Copy !req
314. and the first meeting they had
was with the Irish government
who took one look...!Copy !req
315. It was like showing Eichmann
to the Israeli ambassador.Copy !req
316. Between 1642 and 1649, in the Civil
War, a staggering one in 10 of the
adult male population died.Copy !req
317. More than three times the proportion
that died in the First World War.Copy !req
318. More than five times the proportion
that died in World War Two.Copy !req
319. Now, how much of the Earth is water?Copy !req
320. Two-thirds.Copy !req
321. Is NOT the right answer. I'm
counting the whole planet as it is.Copy !req
322. Ah, well, no. Nothing, virtually.
Quite right. The answer is less
than a 50th of 1%.Copy !req
323. Seven-tenths of the Earth's surface
is covered in water...
About two-thirds.Copy !req
324. .. which is about two-thirds.Copy !req
325. But... the Earth is big.Copy !req
326. It's very, very, very big.Copy !req
327. Not that big compared to Jupiter.
No... I raise you Jupiter!Copy !req
328. The Earth can go
into the spot on Jupiter.
You know what I think is a bad idea?Copy !req
329. Humans spreading on to other planets
and into other galaxies.Copy !req
330. That's a V bad idea.
We should stop ourselves.Copy !req
331. Because we're just bad.Copy !req
332. As a species, we're bad. Don't start
giving me Shakespeare's sonnets.Copy !req
333. Well... We're wicked.
Carl Sagan said a wonderful thing
when they sent outCopy !req
334. one of those early Mariner probes,
the one with the gold
slab on it with digital information.Copy !req
335. Is it binary information? Voyager.
It had informationCopy !req
336. about where the Earth was in
relation to the solar system,Copy !req
337. and someone suggested having some
digitised music on a very early
semiconductor sort of microchip,Copy !req
338. and someone said, "We could have
some Bach."Copy !req
339. And Carl Sagan said, "I think that
would just be showing off."Copy !req
340. That left in the late '70s? Yes.Copy !req
341. That's only just
got to the edge of our solar system.Copy !req
342. But it had to get the special
connecting bus service from Crewe.Copy !req
343. Point taken.Copy !req
344. Well, the Earth
may be too small for Alan, but it is
big enough for most of our purposes.Copy !req
345. It has a total mass of about six
million billion billion kilograms.Copy !req
346. Even on the apparently watery crust,
the mass of the land is 40 times
greater than that of the oceans.Copy !req
347. Changing the subject to something
perhaps a little different...Copy !req
348. Describe Andy Warhol's underpants.Copy !req
349. Padded. Padded?Copy !req
350. Padded. Padded pants.Copy !req
351. 15 minutes of foam.Copy !req
352. Very good. Like the Essex girl
who sees an Irishman
with his wellingtonsCopy !req
353. with "L" and "R" written on them.
And she says, "What's that about?"Copy !req
354. He says, "Well, it reminds
me that left is put on the left
and right is put on the right."Copy !req
355. She says, "Oh! That's why my pants
say C&A, then."Copy !req
356. What an interesting audience.
No wonder you're so bored
about the Earth stuff!Copy !req
357. You just want some knob gags!Copy !req
358. If you're attacked by Andy Warhol
and you're describing him
to the police...Copy !req
359. The guy just wouldn't believe you,
would he?
Well, Warhol never went to funerals,Copy !req
360. except recently, of course.Copy !req
361. His own. He never danced, ever,
and he always wore underpants
of a particular colour.Copy !req
362. Brown? We would have to go
through the colours, wouldn't we?Copy !req
363. Blue, green, black, yellow? You
said green and green they always
were. He always wears green pants.Copy !req
364. One last British question. What
colour was Robert Burns's kilt?Copy !req
365. Red? No, it wasn't red. He didn't
wear a kilt. Barry gets the point.Copy !req
366. There is a particular reason why
Burns would not have worn a kilt.Copy !req
367. He was embarrassed about the size
of his penis. No! Really bad eczema.
Dandruff on the shoes, no.Copy !req
368. He wasn't a member
of a specific clan?Copy !req
369. No. He WAS, but he would
be deported from Scotland
for wearing a kilt. It was outlawed.Copy !req
370. When was Burns alive? In the 18th
century. And you weren't allowed to
wear a kilt in the 18th century? No.Copy !req
371. Because it was a symbol of Scottish
defiance? There were two famous
rebellions -Copy !req
372. the 1715 and 1745 rebellions.
Of course.Copy !req
373. The Jacobite rebellions,Copy !req
374. in which the... Old Pretender and the
Young Pretender attempted...Copy !req
375. And, of course, in the case of 1745,
they got as far south as, er...
Grimsby? Cleethorpes?Copy !req
376. Derby.Copy !req
377. What happened at Derby? The buffet
car ran out of beer or something?Copy !req
378. It's got to go back to Scotland!
I've got to get of this shite hole!Copy !req
379. Interestingly, he was never
known as Robbie or Rabbie Burns.Copy !req
380. Never referred to himself as that.
Burnsy? Rab, Robert - Burnsy,
occasionally. The Burnster.Copy !req
381. Burnsmeister! It's time
for the final scores.Copy !req
382. Very interesting, indeed.Copy !req
383. Well, in equal last place it is
Barry and Alan with minus sixCopy !req
384. because you both fell into our
traps, unfortunately.Copy !req
385. With three, it's Jeremy Hardy.Copy !req
386. Way out in front, Jeremy
Clarkson with plus five!Copy !req
387. That's all from QI this week. From
Alan, Barry, the two Jeremys and me,Copy !req
388. a braw bricht moonlicht nicht
to you all. Good night.Copy !req