QI 2x12

1. Good evening, good evening and a hearty ho-ho-ho, ring my chimes and call me tawdry.

2. Happy QI Christmas to you all.

3. Yes, it's us again. The deep Mark Steel.

4. The crisp Rich Hall.

5. The even Phill Jupitus.

6. And the snowbound layabout Alan Davies.

7. The music. I shall conduct you in. Rich.

8. And Mark.

9. And Phill.

10. And Alan.

11. What's Crocodile Dundee doing in the third row?

12. Leather hat. I've got him, yeah.

13. And, to keep it seasonal,

14. Jesus is here.

15. How much more Christmassy can you get?

16. Here's a question. What makes a festive balloon like this go up?

17. Helium. It's the right answer. Two points.

18. What does it do to your voice? Makes it go higher-pitched.

19. It doesn't make your voice go up in pitch. The timbre changes.

20. The timbre? The timbre. That's a stamp.

21. We wanted to give you all some helium to show it, but I've got the three worst words in English.

22. Health. And BLEEP safety. Four words.

23. Four words. Health and BLEEP safety wouldn't let us do it.

24. What did they think could possibly happen? We'd float away?

25. Exactly. It's not a poisonous gas. You dive, don't you? Yes.

26. You breathe compressed air for scuba diving. Oxygen and helium for deep-sea diving.

27. Why didn't Jacques Cousteau go...?

28. His voice was like Paul Robeson. "Beneath ze ocean..."

29. There is a gas you can breathe, xenon. You do go John Wayne-like.

30. Freon is like that also. Freon?

31. Suck the back out of a refrigerator and your voice will be lower. We did it as kids. Did you, now?

32. Maybe if you're on EastEnders, every character has to have this. "Talk like that."

33. "We've got to talk."

34. That's what all the optics are behind the bar.

35. The Queen Vic.

36. "Peggy!" "Yeah?"

37. Sound travels faster in helium, which increases the frequency

38. but not the pitch. Now, crackers.

39. Alan, you pull yours with Phill. Whoever wins, read out the riddle.

40. "Why is the emperor penguin like Santa Claus?"

41. Kids love 'em.

42. Can't get enough of either. Big fellow with presents. Funny bird.

43. Which one's Santa there? I like the one on the left. He's not trying.

44. "Scientists Give Ecstasy To One Penguin."

45. I can tell you the answer. They both come once a year.

46. Er... Ah. Emperor penguins have a really tragic... You can see how sad they look.

47. They have a pretty tragic sex life.

48. The male gets ten seconds of ejaculation and then has to spend two months

49. incubating an egg while the wife eats fish. Comes for ten seconds?

50. What noise do they make, though?

51. They sound a little like Angela Rippon.

52. "Good evening, and this is the news."

53. "And finally..." The only animal... "This just in." Oh!

54. Aristotle believed that you should always make love facing the north,

55. because the strong north wind helped conception and made strong babies.

56. Who should be facing the north?

57. Both. Both couples could align themselves.

58. Surely it's usual. You don't do it like that, do you? Or like that?

59. Oh, I see. Like THAT. Ah.

60. Many a man will hear his wife say, "Is that a compass between my shoulder blades, or are you...?"

61. "Hang on, dear."Wait. Hold up.

62. "I'll have to phone my mate. I've got the wife on magnetic north. Does it have to be...?

63. "Get your Aristotle out and have a look."

64. You can use GPS these days. That's if you're doing it in the Jag.

65. Now, Christmas is often an excuse

66. for a large, manly cigar. If you want to take up smoking,

67. but you want to increase your life expectancy by eight years, what should you do?

68. Yes, Alan? Take up smoking eight years later than you were going to.

69. Move to Siberia. Yeah?

70. Life expectancy is longer and it's one of the last places on Earth where you can BLEEP smoke.

71. That's a good answer. That's a very good answer.

72. Put it this way. Smoking, according to most scientists, might shave off five years of your life.

73. There is something we could do to increase life expectancy by 13 years.

74. Shut up talking. No, not shut up.

75. Become women. Not quite as extreme.

76. Just cut off the testicles. Yes. No! Eunuchs... No!

77. Eunuchs... I'd rather die eight years sooner. That's the answer.

78. Castration can increase your life expectancy by 13 years,

79. which outweighs the mere five years which a 20-a-day habit takes off your life, on average.

80. Being castrated, you don't go bald or suffer from acne, so it's easier to pull, but...

81. Talking of traditional Christmassy objects, what did Italian barbers do with 8,000 balls every year?

82. Increase their life expectancy by 32,000 years.

83. Because barbers have a cut-throat razor, were they in the castrating business on the side?

84. In the castrating game. There were castrations between the 16th-19th centuries for castrati for singing.

85. 4,000 Italian eight-year-olds a year. Eight?

86. Is that their choice, or pushy parenting? Parenting. But they could become rich.

87. The most recent one was called Moreschi. We have him on record. Can we hear Moreschi? Died in 1922.

88. Last of the Papal castrati.

89. This is the sound of the actual operation. It's the actual op...

90. In a minute you'll hear, "Shoom!" Certainly Farinelli... Did you ever see that film about Farinelli?

91. He could sing from a C down there...

92. Oh, I did it. There. Up to a...

93. It's like that music quiz. Can you hear those two?

94. But that's, er... quite a range.

95. Their voices never break. No. Testosterone causes the deep voice.

96. The operation was illegal and would be carried out by a village barber.

97. Did they have photos up on the wall of people with no bollocks?

98. Slightly out-dated ones. Tony Curtis's lack of knackers.

99. Did they come round with a mirror afterwards?

100. Why don't you, young Rich?

101. "Name one of the animals present at the birth of Jesus."

102. Donkey! Donkey?

103. Camel. There must be a camel. Camel?

104. Oh dear, oh dear. No. Cow?

105. A cow? Yes.

106. Sheep? Sheep, eh?

107. Piling on the points. No animals?

108. Well done. I thought he was born in a stable full of animals. I've seen it in a nativity model scene.

109. The first nativity crib wasn't till 1,200 years after the birth of Christ.

110. There's no reference to animals. There's one reference in Luke to Christ being laid in a manger.

111. People assumed it was a stable but there's no evidence.

112. Tell me who came up with the first crib with animals.

113. 1,000 years ago? In 1223. 1223... Thomas Aquinas. Not Thomas Aquinas.

114. But certainly a saint. St Francis. St Francis of Assisi, yes. That's worth more than a point.

115. Have five. I don't mind religion.

116. I love Thought For The Day on the radio in the mornings.

117. Whatever's on that day's news, they crowbar Jesus in somehow.

118. Some vicar says, "As the row about A-level testing rumbles on and on,

119. "isn't that a bit like Jesus?

120. "Although Jesus didn't have to do A-levels, he certainly did have to do tests.

121. "When he went into the wilderness,

122. "wasn't that God's way of saying, 'You may turn over your papers and begin now'?"

123. In America they milk it in ads at Christmas.

124. "Autolite, the spark plug Jesus would have used."

125. St Francis, in the town of Greccio. He put down some hay and some toy oxen and asses.

126. That was the start of it all. What do we know about the Magi?

127. They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.

128. Aren't they tribesmen, like the Jedi? Um... Well, everyone is a tribesman of some kind.

129. I did an interview with the President of Uganda, and...

130. I don't know why you find that so amusing.

131. No other person could say that. Well, I did, so there.

132. We were in Kampala. One thing he got rid of was sectarianism.

133. I asked him, "You are Bugandan..." He said, "Yes, what tribe are you?"

134. It's an absolutely right point. I would say my tribe would be probably Essex.

135. Cherokee. Do you have Cherokee in you? Part Cherokee. Really?

136. What you said, that reminded me. Someone told me they were in the same office as David Frost.

137. They walked in just as David Frost picked up the phone and said,

138. "Boutros Boutros, how the devil are you?"

139. This is MY story. Oh...

140. This is weird. You're gonna tell us you were at the birth of Christ.

141. "I was actually there at the beginning of Christmas."

142. I... "I interviewed the Virgin Mary."

143. I did his Sunday morning programme.

144. I had this other guest coming in. I didn't know who else was in.

145. I heard the voice behind me, "Boutros Boutros, always a pleasure."

146. That story is... He's fantastic like that.

147. I remember once, to make you laugh,

148. I was at a 4th of July party the American Ambassador was holding at his house.

149. And... Stephen, you gotta tell us.

150. Ferrero Rocher as far as the eye could see?

151. But I was talking to David Frost and Tony Blair walked past.

152. David Frost threw out a hand and went, "Beloved!"

153. It was fantastic. "Beloved!"

154. He once said to somebody, "I gather you've written a book. It behoves... We're all behoven...

155. "We behove us... It b... Roll over behoven."

156. However, enough Frosty stories. The Magi, then. There we are. So, the Magi.

157. We hoped you'd suggest they were three wise men.

158. They were Persian or Zoroastrian priests. And what's myrrh? What did they bring? Myrrh's an oil.

159. Good for babies? It's expensive and rare. Used in anointing.

160. Six days after he was born, he had to have the old snip, Jesus.

161. Did...? The Feast of Circumcision.

162. An Italian barber? No. "Would you like me to cut anything else?

163. "I could make him sing." Jesus... "He could be rich.

164. "Eesn't that what you want, Mary? Look at you, in a sheety stable.

165. "You is so lucky there's no animals here. It would be worse."

166. Strange that that should have stung you into Greek.

167. That's my random southern Mediterranean. It works well.

168. It's stood you by all these years.

169. According to the enfeebled dolts of the Church of England,

170. "Magi" discloses nothing about numbers, wisdom or gender.

171. It's assumed that there were three. They had three gifts. Maybe there were four and one forgot a present.

172. Anyway, they could have been women.

173. I liked your use of "enfeebled dolts". Thank you.

174. The Magi went their separate ways because they'd heard of Herod and how angry he was about this.

175. What do we know of Herod's wife? What was her name?

176. Yes? Mrs Herod.

177. I'm not going to say you're predictable, but my goodness me.

178. No, we want her given name. They didn't use Mrs.

179. Maria. Sylvia. Jane. Michelle. Rebecca. We haven't got those up.

180. No... Beyonce. Nearly that odd.

181. Nearly that odd. Begins with D. Denise. No.

182. Dawn. Detox. Donna. Diana. Closer. Donatella.

183. Donatella? No, forget the end. Do. Do.

184. Do is a good beginning. Dorothy. Shorter. Dot.

185. Doris. Doris! Thank you. Doris.

186. Doris Herod? Yes.

187. I know. It's a surprise. Her name was Doris.

188. "He's been out all night killing babies.

189. "If he comes back in here covered in the blood of the innocent, I am not washing that cloak.

190. "Herod!"

191. Good. A lot of mileage to be had out of Herod's wife. She was called Doris.

192. It's a Greek name. To our ears, it is a bit funny.

193. "Did you find the Messiah? Because he's a very naughty boy."

194. King Herod and Queen Doris. There they are.

195. How do you say it in Greek? You'd say "Dhoris". Slight hint of "th".

196. Can you do Greek pronunciations? "Tasaki" is "ashtray".

197. You mean Ancient Greek? Yeah.

198. They weren't walking round in togas going, "I wonder whether the sun go round the Earth or other way round?"

199. Indeed. "Issa beena puzzling me all night about a triangle.

200. "They all-a the same on a different angle. Issa same, innit?"

201. That was Pythagoras. Put these vegetables on a skewer and shut up.

202. My grandfather called Pythagoras "Peter Goras". He was Hungarian.

203. "You learn about Peter Goras."

204. I'm saying, "Who's Peter Goras?" He said, "Did you do the Peter Goras?"No, no Peter Goras."

205. He said, "Ask your mathematics teacher. Must do the Peter Goras."

206. I said, "Are we going to do Peter Goras?"Shut up, Fry."

207. Later I discovered he meant Pythagoras.

208. He pronounced "pineapple upside-down cake" "peenyoplay opshiday-dovne tsoka."

209. I just want to move on cos my mom's name is Doris.

210. Oh, there you are. It is. After... Or named for, as you say, Doris Day?

211. No, no, no, no. It was given to her by the President of Madagascar.

212. Another cracker question. Phill? Lordy.

213. Oh! Hey! Ha-hah!

214. "How many heads did Jesus's granny have?"

215. Maternal or paternal? Well, he only had a maternal grandmother because his father wasn't Joseph.

216. He had his mother's mother, but not a father's mother.

217. God didn't have a mother. That's what I meant. I'm not as stupid as you think. No, you couldn't be.

218. No, I mean...

219. I couldn't sink as low as Stephen's expectations. No, no!

220. Not at all. His mum's mum had how many heads? Yeah.

221. One head.

222. His mother's mother was St Anne.

223. Rather oddly, she had seven, on the authority of the Church.

224. During the Middle Ages her heads were proudly on display simultaneously at Lille,

225. Apt, Aix-la-Chapelle and Chartres in France, in Bologna, in Sicily and in Duren in Germany.

226. She must have had seven because the Church recognised them all.

227. How is it possible to die and come back to life after three days?

228. Cryosthenics.

229. Well, it's... I sort of know what you're saying.

230. Cryogenics.

231. I nearly said "callisthenics".

232. That's a mixture. You do exercises while you're frozen in suspension. Cryo... What was it? Cryogenics.

233. Freezing people. Freeze you and bring you back to life.

234. No, you want to be a water bear. Another name is a tardigrade. There's one. Is that it? Yes.

235. That's not a bear. It's Sydney Opera House.

236. It IS the Sydney Opera House. I can see where you got the idea.

237. They're not very big. You can see them. That's magnified.

238. We have boiled, frozen, poisoned, suffocated and dehydrated them and bombarded them with radioactivity.

239. And they live. They put themselves into suspended animation until things turn out nicely for them.

240. "Not a nice way to treat a bear.

241. "I've been bombarded with radiation, Boo Boo. They froze me and buried me. I'm gonna be dead for..."

242. "Oh, Yogi."

243. A tardigrade has been frozen to within one degree of absolute zero.

244. You were gonna say, "within an inch of their life."I'll freeze you."

245. Would you have it as a superpower? What's your superpower of choice?

246. Invisibility. Really? Oh, it would be great. What would you like?

247. I'd like to have no bodily smell.

248. I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds.

249. I could go "gesundheit" and you would sneeze.

250. You would really freak people out, wouldn't you? A very funny idea.

251. Another cracker question.

252. So? Right, I'll read out what it says. "Where's, like, the coolest place in the universe, man?"

253. Venus.

254. You choose the planet that's second nearest the sun. The coolest place.

255. He meant Venus in the winter. Yeah.

256. Neptune. Camden Market.

257. You're nearer than you were. It's on Earth.

258. The freezer. No! The coldest you can go is minus 273 centigrade, which is known as absolute zero.

259. Brrr! Everything stops. The universe is three degrees above that. It has heat left over from the big bang.

260. Even the coldest reaches. Everything stops?

261. You can't get any colder? You can't get a bus, can't get a dentist.

262. Where might it be, absolute zero? Scientists have managed to create

263. a big bar, a huge, one-ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above absolute zero.

264. Is it, ironically, in the middle of the desert?

265. It's in Louisiana, in Baton Rouge. The State University.

266. There's bound to be one scientist goes in with the big iron bar one day...

267. "Frank!"

268. Suddenly it would be like, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!"

269. "Oh, noth agaid.

270. "Gawwy!" You can't resist it, can you?

271. The only chance there's something else as cold is if it's been created by an alien intelligence.

272. Now, a round of General Ignorance. I don't want to do that.

273. Why not? I always get them wrong and I will not be humiliated at Christmas.

274. You don't know anything, that's the problem. You have all the answers, so there's no point.

275. You think it's easy for me? Yes, I think it's quite easy for you. All right, you sit here.

276. I'll sit there.

277. Go on.

278. No, I was only having a joke. It's Christmas.

279. It's traditional at Christmas-time for servants to be served by the master.

280. Everything swaps round. Go on. It's easy now.

281. Just lounge back and talk to Phill.

282. OK, Stephen...

283. Oh, yes.

284. Oh, hello. I've been waiting for this opportunity. Oh, Christ.

285. Stephen... Yes? Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?

286. Erm... Well, I do know you've got a Swede called Thomas Sorensen in goal, but has he been taken over

287. by Stefan Postan? Postma, yes. Postma.

288. Which is the actual number one?

289. Thomas Sorensen. He's actually Danish, but I'll give you that.

290. He played against England. Yes.

291. This isn't gonna work. OK.

292. I just happen to know that.

293. Another question for Stephen.

294. Oh, no. You'll all know this one. What was Mozart's middle name?

295. This is going to be a trick question, isn't it?

296. I don't know. You're the smarty-pants.

297. Bollocks. Have to hurry you. You want me to say Amadeus. Amadeus.

298. Oh!

299. Wolfgang. His full name was Johan Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophophilis Mozart.

300. He usually called himself Wolfgang Amade, not Amadeus. Or Wolfgang Gottlieb.

301. This question for Stephen Fry. How many states of matter are there?

302. Oh, hello. Well, if you count plasma, I suppose four.

303. Liquid... Oh!

304. Four is wrong. Six.

305. I'm surprised at you, Stephen.

306. It's printed down.

307. They are, of course, solid, liquid, gas, plasma,

308. Bose-Einstein condensate and Fermionic condensate, sometimes known as filament.

309. Gosh, darn.

310. This question is for Stephen Fry.

311. Alan Davies hunched at his pub trivia machine. "I'll have that."

312. Which way does bathwater go down the plughole in the northern hemisphere? Every way.

313. You can push it to go one way and push it to go the other. I've tried it. Aw!

314. Yeah, that's true.

315. "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?"I'm pushing it to go one way or the other.

316. "I'm the master of the bathroom."

317. OK, what do penguins in the Falkland Islands do when RAF jets fly over them?

318. Fry, Cambridge!

319. They look up and topple over backwards. Really?

320. It's wrong. Oh, Fry, you idiot.

321. They walk away from the noise. The idea that they watch the jets going overhead and then fall backwards...

322. Is?is an urban myth.

323. This one for everyone.

324. What kind of animal is sacred in India?

325. Do not say "cow".

326. Do not say "cow".

327. That's my hint. Is it a cow?

328. I warned you.

329. No scared cows in India. "Sacred" is a Christian term. Doesn't apply to India.

330. There are no cow deities, icons, statues and no temples to cows.

331. Cows are not the object of worship in India. There you are. Well done.

332. Do you want me to wrap up? Yeah. I'll wrap up. All right. Well done.

333. Well done.

334. On that extraordinary note, let's look at the scores.

335. In first place with a very proud and impressive seven points is Rich Hall.

336. In second place is Mark, with two points.

337. Phill is third with minus three.

338. Alan has minus 52.

339. But unfortunately our runaway loser is Stephen on minus 56.

340. Dear, oh dear.

341. So, from Rich, Mark, Phill, Alan and myself,

342. hope you enjoy the rest of the Christmas holiday.

343. Have a brilliant New Year. We'll see you again soon. Good night.