1. This programme contains adult humour
and some strong languageCopy !req
2. Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello.Copy !req
3. A very good evening to you
and welcome to QI,Copy !req
4. where everything is
as bright as a new pin and
we avoid cliches like the plague.Copy !req
5. I won't say our players are raring
to go, not in a month of Sundays.Copy !req
6. So, without further ado,
let's meet and greet Bill Bailey!Copy !req
7. Sean Lock! Jo Brand!
And Alan Davies!Copy !req
8. Tonight, although this is Series B,
we're talking about colour,Copy !req
9. so all of our buzzers are blue.
Bill goes...Copy !req
10. Sean goes...Copy !req
11. Jo goes...Copy !req
12. And Alan goes...Copy !req
13. Ah.Copy !req
14. That's a genuine recording. You
said that without moving your legs.Copy !req
15. Em, right now, sweeties,
you all have sweetiesCopy !req
16. and in a range of bright colours.
Here's a nice Mediterranean one
to get you started with.Copy !req
17. What colour was the sky
in Ancient Greece?Copy !req
18. Jo! Blue if that picture's accurate.Copy !req
19. Oh, no, actually it wasn't,
I'm afraid, blue.Copy !req
20. I should have told you it was
Ancient Greece... and I did.
Yeah, you did.Copy !req
21. They didn't take photographs
in Ancient Greece,
so that photo is of modern Greece.Copy !req
22. Well, I know... You fell into...
It could be a very good carving.Copy !req
23. Could be. Could it be darker blue
because it's faded over time?Copy !req
24. Yes. It's a photograph.Copy !req
25. They call blue something else?
They didn't call anything blue.Copy !req
26. They didn't look up ever? They
didn't have colours? No, they did,Copy !req
27. but didn't have a word for blue.Copy !req
28. What did they say? "The... sky."
Bronze. Bronze? Yes!Copy !req
29. They called it bronze. Homer did.Copy !req
30. I've no time for these Greeks.
Without them you wouldn't be here.
Rubbish! You say this every week.Copy !req
31. It's true! What do you mean?Copy !req
32. .. mathematics,
harmony, democracy, justice...Copy !req
33. That's got nothing to do
with people shagging for decades!Copy !req
34. There wouldn't be television and
without television you are nothing.Copy !req
35. Is there a Greek word
for television?Copy !req
36. "Television" is a word that offends
classicists. It's Latin AND Greek.Copy !req
37. Awww. It's a hybrid.
They're so touchy. They are.Copy !req
38. "Tele" is Greek, "vision" is Latin.Copy !req
39. The Saxon word for television
would be boxy-light.Copy !req
40. We know the German.
It would be Fernsehen. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
41. Wake up, Sean!Copy !req
42. They've got blue in their flag!
That's modern Greeks.Copy !req
43. "Ooh! We don't like them!" They
just didn't have a word for it.Copy !req
44. I WOULD be here without the Ancient
Greeks. I wonder how many Welsh
words there are for colours.Copy !req
45. Unfortunately, because of
you English people destroying our
culture, I don't know our language.Copy !req
46. Oh, yes. I must apologise.
Cruel imperial invader!Copy !req
47. My great-grandfather was forced
to flee Cardiff and set up
a restaurant in the East End.Copy !req
48. Do you want to know something
very interesting, Alan?Copy !req
49. There is no Welsh word for blue.
I'm sure there is. There is!
You just can't say it.Copy !req
50. So when did Ancient Greece hand over
to modern Greece? "There you go.Copy !req
51. "Go on."
"The sky is blue!"There you are!"Copy !req
52. For starters!
It's a very interesting question.Copy !req
53. Some Darwinians believed the Greeks
as ancient as Homer,Copy !req
54. who was a very long time
before even Sophocles and Socrates,
who you and I talk about every day,Copy !req
55. that they hadn't developed
a colour sense in the eye,Copy !req
56. but it's now perceived that they
didn't find any use for calling
things by different colours...Copy !req
57. Yes? Am I boring you? I'm losing
the will to live. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
58. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
59. Can you just
hit your buzzer there, Al?Copy !req
60. An excerpt from a bronze movie.Copy !req
61. Very good. Very, very good.Copy !req
62. In a similar spirit, Homer regarded
wine, the sea and sheep
as all being the same colour - red.Copy !req
63. To us, this seems peculiar,
but colour is just one way
of describing tones.Copy !req
64. Look at this. What does a rainbow
look like from the other side?Copy !req
65. Can't see it. Slightly different.Copy !req
66. Just slightly different.
It's nice, I'll say that,Copy !req
67. but it's not as...
You'd rather be on the proper side,
but it's all right.Copy !req
68. I wouldn't bother going round.Copy !req
69. You can't concentrate. People go,
"Come and look from this side!"Copy !req
70. But your first answer was correct.
You can only see it...
From the side that you're on.Copy !req
71. Yeah.Copy !req
72. Otherwise you wouldn't know
it's there. It's to do with where
the rain is... Where the sun is.Copy !req
73. There has to be sun. Yes.
And it has to be behind you. Yeah.Copy !req
74. The light comes from behind your
head, goes through a raindrop,
bounces off the back of itCopy !req
75. and comes back to your eye. It only
happens at an angle of 42 degrees.Copy !req
76. Can you tell me at what point
in time human beings were actually
able to sing a rainbow? Ah!Copy !req
77. There's loads of different ones.Copy !req
78. Very good.Copy !req
79. In Estonia they believe that if you
point at a rainbow your finger will
fall off. Oh, for God's sake!Copy !req
80. Estonians aren't stupid people,
are they? They aren't.Copy !req
81. Very stumpy, though.Copy !req
82. What do you know about indigo?
Blue, isn't it? Purple.Copy !req
83. It's the colour of, em...
Silence? No.Copy !req
84. Could you sing that song? No!
It's the colour of audacity!Copy !req
85. Now I'M talking like that!Copy !req
86. It's the colour of audacity.Copy !req
87. It's a sort of dark-y blue, isn't
it? Isn't it a fertility thing?Copy !req
88. It's an Indian plant
that was used for dyeing.Copy !req
89. In what sense a fertility thing?Copy !req
90. Doesn't it come up on women's legs
in circles when they're ready?Copy !req
91. That may be impetigo! Like bands.Copy !req
92. I think that's impetigo.Copy !req
93. Or...
"It comes up on women's legs"Copy !req
94. Impetigo. No, it's a dark blue dye
used for such things as jeans
and police uniforms,Copy !req
95. which brings me... Why, oh why,
take the piss out of Newcastle?Copy !req
96. They haven't got any toilets.Copy !req
97. They've got no toilets and
they're so hard they can hold it in
until they go on holiday.Copy !req
98. That's why they talk out of
the side of their mooth, like that.Copy !req
99. "Visiting Auntie! Can't wait."
Interesting theory. Is that wrong?Copy !req
100. Is the urine exceptionally pure
because of the filtering process
of brown ale?Copy !req
101. It used to be very pure, but no
longer probably is. Newcastle was
a major exporter of pissCopy !req
102. in the 18th century.
What does urine contain? Ammonia.Copy !req
103. Good. Some sort of infection thing.Copy !req
104. If a jellyfish stings you,
you've got to pee on your leg.
I'll give you a further hint.Copy !req
105. I introduced this by saying...
Anaesthetic! indigo... A dye!Copy !req
106. It's used for policemen's uniforms.
Dyeing.Copy !req
107. So ammonia was used
in the dyeing industry.Copy !req
108. North Yorkshire had great quarries
where they mixed the ammonia
and stones and thingsCopy !req
109. with woad
and came out with these dyes.Copy !req
110. Newcastle's third biggest export
after coal and beer was wee-wee.
Ever weed into your own mouth?Copy !req
111. Yeah. Oh, it's easy.Copy !req
112. Babies do that. It's very funny.Copy !req
113. They're lying wriggling
and pee into their mouth.Copy !req
114. We used to have a toilet at school
and it was urinal to there,
then wall and then a window. Yes.Copy !req
115. Quite high.
And my friend, Danny, The Squirt...Copy !req
116. .. bending quite far back like that
could wee out of the window. Wow!Copy !req
117. In Newcastle,
people had to pee into buckets
which were collected wee-kly.Copy !req
118. The reason policemen's uniforms
were such a rich and impressive hueCopy !req
119. was that they'd been widdled on
by Geordies, ultimately.Copy !req
120. Have you all enjoyed your sweeties?
Which colour did you like best? Red.Copy !req
121. Most children, when asked which
colour they liked, will say red.Copy !req
122. When a food manufacturer wants
to colour food red, he uses...Copy !req
123. one of these. It's food additive.Copy !req
124. It's E120, a colorant. My question
is what is E120 made from?Copy !req
125. A beetle of some sort.Copy !req
126. No, I'm afraid not! No.Copy !req
127. We rather predicted you'd say that.
Almost right.Copy !req
128. It's a bug, not a beetle. Well...
What's the difference, then?Copy !req
129. You should remember, of all people,
because... Bugs suck things.Copy !req
130. Well done, you did remember!
Five points. What do beetles do?
They don't suck.Copy !req
131. If you drink with a straw,
they look at you.
"I'm not a bug, all right?"Copy !req
132. Bug is not just American slang
for any insect.
It's a specific scientific word.Copy !req
133. It has piercing mouth parts. Ooh!Copy !req
134. Mandibles. Yes. You answered
to that like it was your nickname.Copy !req
135. "Mandibles."Yes?"Copy !req
136. That was his nickname at school.
"Mandibles" Fry.Copy !req
137. The point about this stuff, which
is also called...? JO: Cochineal.Copy !req
138. Yes, you get points back for that.
It is made from crushed insects.Copy !req
139. They're called Dactylopius coccus
and they're a kind of bug.Copy !req
140. It takes about 70,000 of them
to make one pound of cochineal.Copy !req
141. We've moved away from cochineal
as people who don't eat animals
felt they were being connedCopy !req
142. by a tube of Smarties
when it had dead animals in it.
And they're not kosher.Copy !req
143. E122 we now use, except in Smarties
where you're eating crushed bugs.Copy !req
144. The red ones. But E122 is very bad
if you have an allergy to aspirin.Copy !req
145. It can make people very blotchy
or HYPER-active! Interesting issue.Copy !req
146. I've changed my mind.
I think I prefer the green.Copy !req
147. Tough. Where did the whole notion
of crushing beetles
to get their colouring from arise?Copy !req
148. When did people think, "These foods
are not the right colour.
I need a bit more pizzazz"?Copy !req
149. You only need to imagine.
You're pounding maize in Mexico,
where this started.Copy !req
150. And a few of these beetles...
Accidentally fall in.Copy !req
151. And it goes a beautiful pink.
And your husband says,
"I like this pink polenta!"Copy !req
152. They didn't start crushing animals
and work their way down? Squirrel...Copy !req
153. "No, that's no good."
Next animal.Copy !req
154. You've set your buzzer off!Copy !req
155. They didn't say, "I love
this pink polenta!" They said,
"Thee pink polenta, I love eet!"Copy !req
156. So...
"I want some-a pink polenta!"Copy !req
157. So you think this happened after
the Spanish colonisation of Mexico?Copy !req
158. Alan...Copy !req
159. Ahh!
He got you. That was a good one.Copy !req
160. Hats off!
Are you telling me the Incas talked
like Oxbridge graduates?Copy !req
161. Well... "I'm just going up
to finish off Machu Picchu!Copy !req
162. "Help me with these stones?"
It was really the Aztecs
we were concerned with.Copy !req
163. But... Ever felt like
your weapon's not big enough, Jo?Copy !req
164. No! Let's move from bugs...
from bugs to beetles.Copy !req
165. "I love thee pink polenta!"Copy !req
166. Beetle fanciers,
as you probably know, are called...Copy !req
167. Coleopterists. Very good! I'll
give you five points. Thank you.Copy !req
168. Press him on how the hell he knows
that! When I was a child...Copy !req
169. In Alan's world, knowing something
is a kind of freakish, weird thing.Copy !req
170. Can you explain how you know
something? He'd love to know
the mystery of this.Copy !req
171. "Welcome to my world of knowing!"
The wonderful world of...
looking up things in books.Copy !req
172. You looked it up? No. When I was
a kid, I collected butterflies.Copy !req
173. What were you called?
A lepidopterist.Copy !req
174. Not a leopard collector.Copy !req
175. Did you run out
and kill them yourself?Copy !req
176. No, you put them in a bottle with
chloroform... I know, it's cruel.Copy !req
177. Not very nice.
Were you a lepidopterist?Copy !req
178. I did do a bit of bug hunting,
as the Americans say. I can see you
running along with the big net.Copy !req
179. "Tarquin, I've got one!"
Dressed as an Ancient Greek.Copy !req
180. Flowing toga and a big net.Copy !req
181. Quite right. Coleopterist.
"I am an Aztec!"Copy !req
182. I was a philatelist. Were you?Copy !req
183. Is there a special word
for someone who did metalwork?Copy !req
184. A smith. I did a bit of that when
I was a young man. Or metallurgist.Copy !req
185. Loser, we called them.Copy !req
186. Coleopterists, who love beetles,
are extremely busy people,Copy !req
187. far too busy to watch television
panellists dithering about,
so we have to push on a bit.Copy !req
188. How long since anyone discovered
a new type of beetle? Eight seconds.Copy !req
189. Eight seconds is quite recent...Copy !req
190. Oh, 700 years.Copy !req
191. No. Look, no-one is forcing you
to play this game.Copy !req
192. If you want to sit in the corner...Copy !req
193. Killer! You're a killer!Copy !req
194. I released them into the wild,
after they'd been killed.Copy !req
195. The supreme irony is that moths got
into the collection and ate them all.Copy !req
196. The answer is about an hour.Copy !req
197. Since 1700, they reckon
that a new species was discoveredCopy !req
198. at the rate of one every six hours,
but it's accelerated.Copy !req
199. There may be 10 million different
species of beetle and only 2,000
coleopterists in the world.Copy !req
200. So many beetles,
just not enough time.Copy !req
201. The amazing thing is
that two-thirds of all insects
are beetles, but even more,Copy !req
202. if you put all examples of plants
and animal species in a row,Copy !req
203. every fifth one would be a beetle.
Every tenth one would be a weevil.
So, next question...Copy !req
204. Odd one out. A ptilidae beetle,
a camel or the Sultan of Brunei?Copy !req
205. Is it a ptilidae beetle?
It is. Correct.Copy !req
206. Can you elaborate?Copy !req
207. Well, I don't want to show off.Copy !req
208. The camel stores water
in its hump... No.Copy !req
209. I know the Sultan of Brunei... You
don't know the Sultan of Brunei.Copy !req
210. He can afford to pay pop stars
to dance in their knickers.Copy !req
211. He's that RICH. What do rich people
have in common with camels?Copy !req
212. The ability to sustain water
in their humps. The inability...Copy !req
213. They're BLEEP miserable all the time!Copy !req
214. What can they not do?
Pass through the eye of a needle!
Pass through the eye of a needle.Copy !req
215. "Easier for a camel to pass through
the eye of a needle..."Copy !req
216. This beetle is so small, it can
go through the eye of a needle.Copy !req
217. Ah! And they come
in very varying sizes, beetles.Copy !req
218. The biggest one, Titanus Giganteus,
is huge. We have a sample
of the second-biggest one.Copy !req
219. This is the Hercules beetle. Ohh!
From the Natural History Museum.Copy !req
220. How many examples of beetle
do you think they have?
How many different...? 820,000.Copy !req
221. No, a lot more. It's 12 million.
Blimey.Copy !req
222. Finally, we plunge into the land
that knowledge forgot. Daviesland.
A place we call General Ignorance.Copy !req
223. Fingers on buzzers, please,
for one last chance
to avoid looking like Charlies.Copy !req
224. Firstly, back on our colour theme,
what rhymes with orange?Copy !req
225. Nothing. Oh!Copy !req
226. Oh, lordy. Flange!Copy !req
227. Flange?Copy !req
228. Or-ange!Copy !req
229. Can you think of any word
that rhymes with it? Borange.
Borange would rhyme with it.Copy !req
230. I don't think there's such a thing.Copy !req
231. No, borange.
That's what you suck up, em...Copy !req
232. Sir, sir! Lock's making it up, sir.Copy !req
233. Terribly close. Blorange. It's
a place. Anybody know where it is?Copy !req
234. It sounds like it's in Belgium.
No, closer to home.Copy !req
235. Blorange! Wales.Copy !req
236. It is. It overlooks Abergavenny.
It has a famous car park.Copy !req
237. A horse is buried there.
A famous horse called Foxhunter.Copy !req
238. There's also Gorringe.
If you say porridge with a cold.Copy !req
239. Porange.
"I'll hab some porange, plead."Copy !req
240. Lester Piggott, he goes...
"I'll have some porange."Copy !req
241. I'm sure that Richard Whiteley
on Countdown said
that nothing rhymes with orange.Copy !req
242. We're here to explode...
Richard Whiteley! the myths!Copy !req
243. Gorringe. It's a surname.
Probably the same root as Goering.Copy !req
244. My prep school tailors were called
Gorringe. We got our uniforms made.
They had a tailor?Copy !req
245. You had a tailor for a suit
you wear when you're five!Copy !req
246. Were you born in the 1850s?Copy !req
247. You had...
"I shall measure up, young sir,Copy !req
248. "for your shorts and cap."
He was the school outfitter!Copy !req
249. All right.
A tailoring shop... "Which side
does young sir dress on?"Copy !req
250. Hardly worth bothering about!Copy !req
251. You should know that!
It's written on the toilet walls!Copy !req
252. Oh... "Do you want
to get measured up for shorts?"Copy !req
253. Oh, Lord! "Would Sir like to wear
a cravat on the cross-country run?"Copy !req
254. You're all such beasts!Copy !req
255. Anyway, Gorringe is a splendid
English surname. "I'd suggest
a cummerbund for Geography."Copy !req
256. "I say!" Ssh! "I do
rather like this pink polenta!"Copy !req
257. Utter rotters.Copy !req
258. Gorringe was the surname
of Henry Honeychurch Gorringe,Copy !req
259. who brought Cleopatra's Needle
to New York's Central Park.Copy !req
260. What colour - fingers on buzzers -
is the planet Mars?Copy !req
261. It's red. Oh, no!Copy !req
262. I KNEW that was gonna happen.
I'm afraid it's actually brown.
Rusty brown. Browny brown, really.Copy !req
263. It only appears red sometimes
because of dust in the atmosphere.Copy !req
264. Its landscape is a very boring
brown. Why are we going there?
What's the f'ing point?Copy !req
265. Oh, you are...!
You are just unbelievable.Copy !req
266. The... I see, I see.Copy !req
267. Yes, I see.Copy !req
268. Right.
I refuse to rise to the bait.Copy !req
269. According to New Scientist,
the most recent pictures of Mars
issued by NASA were tweaked by...Copy !req
270. Photoshop? using filters...
Put Britney Spears on it.
..in order to conform...Copy !req
271. with our expectations
of its redness. Next, apropos
of absolutely nothing at all,Copy !req
272. what prevented Henry VIII
from marrying Lord Pembroke?Copy !req
273. Jo?Copy !req
274. Lady Pembroke?Copy !req
275. Very good.Copy !req
276. Em...
Because gay marriages were illegal.Copy !req
277. Oh, you've done it!Copy !req
278. No, he did marry Lord Pembroke,
eventually.Copy !req
279. He married Lord Pembroke?
Was Lord Pembroke a nickname for...
A lady! Lord Pembroke WAS a lady.Copy !req
280. It was Anne Boleyn. Oh, right.Copy !req
281. He was married to Catherine
of Aragon. She disguised herself
as a man to sneak into his chamber!Copy !req
282. No, she was just very miffed.
You were like in a school play!Copy !req
283. "She disguised herself as a man..."Copy !req
284. You're supposed to be an actor!
Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?Copy !req
285. "She disguised herself as a man
to sneak into the king's chamber!Copy !req
286. "I must leave for France!"Copy !req
287. He was married
to Catherine of Aragon,
the Pope was head of the Church,Copy !req
288. Anne Boleyn was very annoyed,
so he offered her a title.Copy !req
289. She wanted a proper title,
so he made her Marquis of Pembroke,
which is a male title, of course.Copy !req
290. Eventually, he did overcome it,
declared his marriage null and voidCopy !req
291. and married Anne Boleyn,
then cut her head off.Copy !req
292. To mammals. I'm one, you're one,
Lord Pembroke was one.Copy !req
293. We come in a wide variety
of colours - white rhinos,
black panthers... Whales.Copy !req
294. Red kangaroos. Blue whale.
Pink elephants - ha-ha!
Name a green mammal.Copy !req
295. Frog.Copy !req
296. Now name a green MAMMAL!Copy !req
297. An Ancient Greek cow!Copy !req
298. A budgie.Copy !req
299. Now a green MAMMAL.Copy !req
300. OK, a rotten badger.Copy !req
301. Very good. Excellent.Copy !req
302. We've all seen them!
Good one. Chameleon.Copy !req
303. No? Chameleon's a lizard.Copy !req
304. A really, really jealous shrew.Copy !req
305. No, there are none.Copy !req
306. Very common to birds, reptiles,
fish, but no green mammals.Copy !req
307. There is a sloth that looks green,
but it's algae on his fur.Copy !req
308. He's so slow that moss grows on him?Copy !req
309. So much a sloth, exactly.Copy !req
310. Lastly, we come full circle
to the mad, mad world, Alan...
of Ancient Greece.Copy !req
311. Why wouldn't an Ancient Greek...Copy !req
312. Why wouldn't an Ancient Greek baker
mind if you told him
where he could stick his baguette?Copy !req
313. Cos they were a bit like that.Copy !req
314. You know what I mean. I think
we all know. I'm not gonna say it.Copy !req
315. Cos you can't these days.
Ooh, very hot water.Copy !req
316. I almost thought
it was Bertrand Russell talking
As a pleasuring device?Copy !req
317. A dildo! Bread dildo is right.Copy !req
318. They made dildoes out of bread.Copy !req
319. You know that most women would have
gone for the eating option.Copy !req
320. Is that written down in Ancient
Greek? It was only discovered
in 1987, actually. Very recent.Copy !req
321. Who discovered it?Copy !req
322. There was a Greek baker
frozen in a glacier.Copy !req
323. No, he was going like that...Copy !req
324. He was handing the baton
of Ancient Greek democracy to us.Copy !req
325. It's time for the final reckoning.
Scores!Copy !req
326. Now, just in last, fourth, place -
just - with minus 22,
is Alan Davies.Copy !req
327. But a brilliant performance.
In third place with minus 20
is Jo Brand.Copy !req
328. In second place
with a huge plus 7 is Bill,Copy !req
329. but way out in front with 17
is Sean Lock, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
330. Well, my thanks go to Bill, Sean,
Jo and Alan. I'll leave you with
two interesting remarks on colour.Copy !req
331. The first is from Frank Borman,
the Apollo 8 astronaut.Copy !req
332. "My experience helped me to see how
isolated and fragile the Earth is.Copy !req
333. "It was also beautiful, the only
object in the entire universe
that was neither black nor white."Copy !req
334. And US President Gerald Ford -
"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair.
He's just prematurely orange."Copy !req