1. Hello and welcome to QI -Copy !req
2. the quiz that asks,
if ignorance is bliss
why aren't there more happy people?Copy !req
3. Joining me are four people who do
not know the meaning of "ignorance",Copy !req
4. Alan Davies, Linda Smith,Copy !req
5. Sean Lock and Clive Anderson.Copy !req
6. The rules are
as simple as my underwear -Copy !req
7. out of generosity, I give the panel
points for being interesting.Copy !req
8. None of us will be wiser
but will go home cheerful.Copy !req
9. There are no wrong answers, only
boring ones, which attract this...Copy !req
10. The panel can draw attention
to themselves. Clive goes...Copy !req
11. Sean goes...Copy !req
12. Is that it? Linda goes...Copy !req
13. And Alan goes...Copy !req
14. 'Ello?Copy !req
15. And I go,Copy !req
16. Gozo's the second largest town
in Malta... and that sort of stuff!Copy !req
17. So the first question. Alan,
an elephant walks into a bar.Copy !req
18. What do you offer it to drink?Copy !req
19. An ACTUAL elephant? Imagine. It's
not a euphemism for something else?Copy !req
20. No, no! One of those,
as in behind you.Copy !req
21. A pachyderm.
Should a pachyderm go into a bar...Copy !req
22. Yes, it's... They don't drink.Copy !req
23. What don't they drink? Anything.
They get all their moisture
from the grass,Copy !req
24. which is the only reason
that you never see them in the pub!Copy !req
25. They don't get enough moisture,
because they've got wrinkly skin.
Because they don't drink.Copy !req
26. THE shots of them round water holes,
they're just acting, putting it on?Copy !req
27. No, they squirt it on each other.
Uggh!Copy !req
28. Perhaps it is
some kind of euphemism, then!Copy !req
29. When we say, "Do you drink?
Is he a drinker?"
we mean usually... Alcohol.Copy !req
30. They DO drink alcohol.Copy !req
31. They eat fruit, it ferments,
and they get drunk.Copy !req
32. You've got five points.
That's the answer?Copy !req
33. It is. But you shouldn't
offer them alcohol,
because elephants get stroppy.Copy !req
34. They can smell ethanol, fermenting
in fruits, from ten miles away.Copy !req
35. And the effect is catastrophic.
So you can offer them any drink?Copy !req
36. But they become uncoordinated,
aggressive...
Do they take it down the trunk?Copy !req
37. After a few drinks
they'll take it anywhere!Copy !req
38. But I think I have seen an elephant
with a bottle of beer,Copy !req
39. taking it and tipping it back.
So fruit-based, like alco-pops?Copy !req
40. A Breezer not a Guinness? Do you
think they see pink human beings?Copy !req
41. Yes.Copy !req
42. Humans are pink! You're right.
They see blue ones!Copy !req
43. They have miniature,
frozen humans in their drink.Copy !req
44. You shouldn't offer them alcohol.
200 people a year
die from elephant rampages...Copy !req
45. When they're drunk? Many of them.Copy !req
46. Do they drink to forget?Copy !req
47. Very good. Excellent.Copy !req
48. Now a question from the National
Curriculum - grade 4, section 14,Copy !req
49. English Language, Literature
and Ring-roads.Copy !req
50. Clive, describe either James Bond's
Bradford or his vespa.Copy !req
51. Is James Bond's Bradford a bit likeCopy !req
52. James Hewitt's Yorkshire
or Thomas Hardy's Wessex?Copy !req
53. Is it just rebranding?
James Herriot rather than Hewitt!Copy !req
54. I sensed I got it wrong there but
I couldn't... Put your finger on it.Copy !req
55. Is it an item of clothing,
or a briefcase or shoes?Copy !req
56. That's closer than... Anything
I said! the city in Yorkshire.Copy !req
57. Is it...? What is he famous for?
Martinis. Yes!Copy !req
58. Ian Fleming worked in the Naval
Intelligence in the war. He did.Copy !req
59. Is that interesting enough
for a point? It's well known, dear!Copy !req
60. Did I call you "dear" then? Yes.
Sorry.Copy !req
61. Don't know how that happened.
I do apologise.Copy !req
62. It is the official name for a
martini that is shaken not stirred.Copy !req
63. Most martinis are stirred,Copy !req
64. but when shaken it's a Bradford.
There's specific names.Copy !req
65. With two olives on a stick it's a
Franklin, after Franklin Roosevelt.
A cocktail onion on a stick is a...Copy !req
66. A cocktail onion on a stick!Copy !req
67. Obviously it's called something!
The Gibson. Because the Bradford
contains three measures of Gordon's,Copy !req
68. one measure of a vermouth
called kina lillet -Copy !req
69. although I'm sure it must be
pronounced "lee-a".Copy !req
70. Put a Lil-let in there and
you wouldn't have any drink left!Copy !req
71. If someone offered me a drink called
a Bradford I'd assume it was a vodka
and a rasher of streaky bacon!Copy !req
72. Or a pork pie
on a knitting needle.Copy !req
73. Is there an official place
for this name? Why's a rusty nail
a rusty nail?Copy !req
74. And all the Collins family
have drinks named after them?Copy !req
75. The first Bloody Mary was in St
Regis Hotel in New York and was
actually called a Red Snapper.Copy !req
76. A fish!Copy !req
77. They called a Virgin Mary
a "bloody shame", which is rather
good. That's very good.Copy !req
78. I'll have a Bloody Shame.Copy !req
79. Cocktails started in prohibition
because gin was so gut-rottingCopy !req
80. that all kinds of additions
were made to it.Copy !req
81. Bond insisted on a shot of vodka.Copy !req
82. It's normally six of gin
to one of vermouth.Copy !req
83. He added vodka,
which makes it not a martini.Copy !req
84. And Bond gave his a name, a vespa.Copy !req
85. There's a good phrase
in one of the books,Copy !req
86. "To Bond, the best drink of the day
was the drink he had in his head
before the first drink of the day."Copy !req
87. I don't really like James Bond.
He's cruel! He's a cruel man.Copy !req
88. If I met him
I'd think he was a prat!Copy !req
89. Blah, blah, blah...
I'm undoing your zip with my magnet!Copy !req
90. You should read the books. I don't
have time. I haven't read yours yet.Copy !req
91. Nobody's done that! Read Fleming
first. They're awfully good.Copy !req
92. A chapter in Casino Royale begins,
"Bond lit his 80th cigarette
of the day."Copy !req
93. How can you dislike a man...?
It's full of interesting stuff.Copy !req
94. Bond has this strange idea
that homosexuals can't whistle!Copy !req
95. In From Russia With Love... Because
they've got cock in their mouth!Copy !req
96. I want you to go
and stand in the corner.Copy !req
97. You just put your lips together
and blow!Copy !req
98. I've had a blow-job... He needs to
say the word "Wimbledon".
.. which is a cocktail.Copy !req
99. You get it in a shooter glass.Copy !req
100. It's got something like Drambuie
or Baileys... How sophisticatedCopy !req
101. Just a hint.Copy !req
102. It's got whipped cream out of a can
on top of it.Copy !req
103. Sounds lovely You get it
put on the counter and you're not
allowed to use your hands...Copy !req
104. Someone's groaning! "Ohhh, God!"Copy !req
105. You put your hands behind your back
and go...Copy !req
106. I've never been to Essex!Copy !req
107. Enough of alcohol,
I'm ready for athletics.Copy !req
108. Sean, in 1913 the World Long Jump
Champion was an Englishman
who could leap backwardsCopy !req
109. from the floor onto a mantelpiece
without losing his balance.Copy !req
110. What position was he offered after
World War I?Copy !req
111. Playing cricket?
He was an extraordinary sportsman.Copy !req
112. He could leap backwards?
From a stationary position
onto a mantelpiece.Copy !req
113. He was described as "the most
talented Englishman ever born."Copy !req
114. He was captain of England
and Surrey in cricket.Copy !req
115. He played in an FA Cup final. He
had the world long jump record.
Is this your relative? It's CB Fry.Copy !req
116. Really? How did he discover
he could do that? In phases.Copy !req
117. How do you find out you can do that?Copy !req
118. You're standing in front
of the fireplace and go...Copy !req
119. Was it at a boring party?
Lord Delfont turned for a canape
and, "Whoah, I'm outta here!"Copy !req
120. A rattlesnake on the floor.Copy !req
121. Somebody wanted a cocktail
and said, "I fancy a blow-job,"
and he went...Copy !req
122. He was a Fry - he'd welcome that!Copy !req
123. Just putting himself in a better
position. What was his name?Copy !req
124. Charles Burgess Fry.
What was the question?Copy !req
125. What position was he offered after
World War I? Chest of drawers?
Was the mantelpiece with ornaments?Copy !req
126. Say someone had
a big tank of tropical fish...Copy !req
127. Competitive mantelpiece leaping -
you clear it.Copy !req
128. Everything.Copy !req
129. Maybe he was on the mantelpiece,
fell off and thought, "I must get
back up before anyone notices."Copy !req
130. He fell on the sofa,
bounced back up...Copy !req
131. "Did you just jump backwards onto
the mantelpiece?"Oh, yeah, yeah."Copy !req
132. It's a very old English pursuit,
jumping backwards. There's a famous
canal jumper, Jack Derby.Copy !req
133. He could leap 32ft across a canal
from a jump. There's a statue of him.Copy !req
134. The way he did it -
he had two weights.Copy !req
135. He'd swing them...
Like the bouncing bomb?Copy !req
136. They'd take him across, like that,
to the other side.Copy !req
137. He was Jack Derby
and he died in the '30s.Copy !req
138. He died in the canal!Copy !req
139. The statue's at the bottom to
commemorate him! He had the world
jumping backwards record - 13ft.Copy !req
140. There you are, it means something.
CB Fry, to bring it back...Copy !req
141. Did he not feel, once he'd done the
mantelpiece thing and everyone was,
"Wow, that's fantastic!"Copy !req
142. After that were they, "Oh, he's
doing the mantelpiece thing again"?Copy !req
143. It was just a party piece thing
he did three or four times.Copy !req
144. He headed the class list at Oxford,
he had the long jump record,
played in an FA Cup final,Copy !req
145. captained England,
spoke five languages and...Copy !req
146. what was the extraordinary position
he was offered?Copy !req
147. He's a member of the Fry family.
That is extraordinary. He was
offered quizmaster on a panel game.Copy !req
148. He was... Was it a governmental
thing? THE most governmental
thing that existed after WWI.Copy !req
149. League of Nations.Copy !req
150. He was the head? No. Refereed the
play-off for the League of Nations?Copy !req
151. President of the League?
More important. King.Copy !req
152. King of the League of Nations? Of
one of the nations in the League.Copy !req
153. Albania. He was offered the throne
of Albania. Yes. We got there.
He said, "I don't wantCopy !req
154. "the throne,
just give me the mantelpiece."Copy !req
155. I wish I'd never mentioned the
bloody mantelpiece now! It's just
one of the things he could do.Copy !req
156. He did it once or twice.Copy !req
157. His great friend was
Prince Ranji Singhji.Copy !req
158. Together they dominated
the cricketing world.Copy !req
159. The Prince was an officer
in the League of Nations.Copy !req
160. He brought Fry along
as a speech writerCopy !req
161. and they met the Albanian
delegation, which was unhappy
because the king had run away.Copy !req
162. They offered Fry the throne and he
accepted. His friend Hiliare Belloc,Copy !req
163. the poet, said, "Don't take it. All
you need is a cellar of wine and
the society of those who love you."Copy !req
164. So he turned it down.
Raging alcoholic.Copy !req
165. He was talking "bellocs"!
What a great thing to be.Copy !req
166. The next king
had a short tenure and fled.Copy !req
167. One thing that might have
attracted the Albanians to Fry
was his moustache.Copy !req
168. The Albanian language
has an extraordinary richness
of vocabulary for facial hair.Copy !req
169. There are 27 words
to describe the shape of moustaches
and 30 for eyebrows.Copy !req
170. "Vetullan" is someone with
very bushy eyebrows.Copy !req
171. "Vetulor" means
slightly arched eyebrow.Copy !req
172. "Vetulosh" is
someone with thick eyebrows.Copy !req
173. Linda, what is "vetuluche"?Copy !req
174. Well, I don't know...
you say they've got 30 words.Copy !req
175. For the types of eyebrow.Copy !req
176. We've got more. They've got
one word for "very bushy eyebrow",
we've got three words.Copy !req
177. YesCopy !req
178. Good thinking. I like that.Copy !req
179. I'm unimpressed with that.Copy !req
180. Are they short of conversation?
Probably. It's a pretty poor place.Copy !req
181. The Albanian police always get
their man. That Identikit picture
would be pretty accurate!Copy !req
182. They use the magnet man
with iron filings.Copy !req
183. An eyebrow that meets in the middle.
There should be a word for that.Copy !req
184. Josephus, the Jewish historian...
Yes. .. reckoned that Jesus
had a mono-brow.Copy !req
185. I thought there was
something shifty about him.Copy !req
186. Where did he get that? There is no
description of Jesus in the Bible.Copy !req
187. Too good to be true. Exactly.Copy !req
188. Vetuluche is the Albanian for
a goat, a special kind of goat -
one with brown eyebrows.Copy !req
189. Ohhh. They're obsessed!
They are.Copy !req
190. With goats like that, you'd imagine
they'd be very happy people.Copy !req
191. Why do goats need eyebrows?Copy !req
192. To express surprise! Quizzical.Copy !req
193. What's that for? That bit there.Copy !req
194. No idea.Copy !req
195. The filtrum. Why is it a groove?
Like a little guttering.Copy !req
196. Nothing actually comes out
of there, it runs either side.Copy !req
197. It goes either side.
It's stupid, that is.Copy !req
198. Albania is the poorest country
in Europe, with over 60% of its
population living in rural areas.Copy !req
199. Animals and facial hair
are all they have.Copy !req
200. Albania may be the only language
in Europe where the word for
male sheep - dash -Copy !req
201. is the same word for an attractive,
young man.Copy !req
202. What is the difference between
a pink fairy and a green fairy?Copy !req
203. La fee verte. Ring any bells?Copy !req
204. Absinthe.Copy !req
205. Well done. Two points.
Absolutely right.Copy !req
206. The pink fairy is an armadillo.Copy !req
207. What sort of animal, do you think -
I'll give five points for this -
is an armadillo?Copy !req
208. An ant-eater.Copy !req
209. But a reptile or...? Reptile. The
same as a badger. A mammal. Right.Copy !req
210. It's the only mammal, apart from
mankind, that can get leprosy.Copy !req
211. Armadillos give birth to four
identical, same-sex baby armadillosCopy !req
212. all from the same egg,
which is unique.Copy !req
213. The male armadillo has a penis
two-thirds the length of its body.
You're joking!Copy !req
214. That's the normal proportion!
Is it?Copy !req
215. Lucky girl.Copy !req
216. What alteration to the human
anatomy did Benjamin Franklin think
would increase human happiness?Copy !req
217. To do with health? Not really. Like
smoke-proof lungs, or something?Copy !req
218. It's as mad as that. Self-cleaning
arsehole. Almost - so close!Copy !req
219. What...? Farts? Farts.Copy !req
220. No farting? No, he thought...
More farting?Copy !req
221. A small exhaust pipe to run upCopy !req
222. and to, like a diesel lorry,
have a little cap on.Copy !req
223. Parp! Parp! Paaarp!Copy !req
224. No.Copy !req
225. Steam-powered trousers.
Yes, why not?Copy !req
226. He looks like he's smelt a fart!Copy !req
227. Somebody's done it in front of him.Copy !req
228. He thought the world would be
better if we could discharge wind...Copy !req
229. Without smelling. If he could
find a drug... No need for that!Copy !req
230. to be perfumed. A visual aid.Copy !req
231. Geri Halliwell's
not looking so thin!Copy !req
232. Lorks!Copy !req
233. He believed it would do more good
than the works of Descartes,
Aristotle and Newton put together.Copy !req
234. Franklin was extraordinary -
scientist, inventor of bi-focals
and the fire brigade.Copy !req
235. He helped Washington and Jefferson
prepare the American ConstitutionCopy !req
236. but they refused to let him draft
it in case he put jokes in!
Fart jokes?Copy !req
237. Perfumed fart jokes.Copy !req
238. And if any of you find any weapons
of mass destruction under your seatsCopy !req
239. if you could send them
to the Government,
because they've looked everywhere!Copy !req
240. They'll be the last place
they look!Copy !req
241. We have sent a probe to Mars.Copy !req
242. I'm like that with scissors.Copy !req
243. Mind you the difference is
I have been stock-piling scissors
for the last 20 years.Copy !req
244. What was the first processed food
produced by HJ Heinz in 1869?Copy !req
245. Ketchup.Copy !req
246. Oh!Copy !req
247. Oh, finally! Finally.Copy !req
248. God dammit. Ketchup is not the
right answer. We predicted that.Copy !req
249. Baked beans.Copy !req
250. Oh! Alan, Alan, Alan!Copy !req
251. Oh, dear. That's minus,
at least, 20.Copy !req
252. Mayonnaise.
You're safe on that one.Copy !req
253. Mini chicken Kiev. No. Pickle.
No, it's a hot one.Copy !req
254. Horseradish.
Horseradish is the right answer.Copy !req
255. As far as I know,
there never were... When they had
that slogan "57 varieties"Copy !req
256. there were more than 57. They used
it because it's a good number.
Absolutely right, Clive.Copy !req
257. They now have more than 6,000,
so they claim.
They just like the number 57.Copy !req
258. They're obsessed with it. Their
phone number is 5757. Their
address is PO Box 57 Pittsburgh.Copy !req
259. They've milked that idea. Who
was the first customer in Britain,Copy !req
260. I mean retailer, who... Fortnum
and Mason. The right answer.Copy !req
261. He sold them in glass jars so
customers saw it was free from
fillers like wood fibre or turnip.Copy !req
262. Heinz tomato ketchup
followed in 1875.Copy !req
263. In 1895 he perfected the baked bean
which to this day only four members
of the Heinz family know the recipe.Copy !req
264. Now we're in sniffing distance of
the end, as Franklin might've said,Copy !req
265. fingers on the buzzers for
general ignorance.Copy !req
266. How long do fingernails and hair
grow after you're dead?Copy !req
267. Two foot.Copy !req
268. No.Copy !req
269. I'm just fascinated to know
that hair grows after you die.
I'm looking forward to that!Copy !req
270. It's... discussed in Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern Are Dead.Copy !req
271. I think it's for two hours.Copy !req
272. It doesn't. Neither fingernails or
hair, which are the same substance.Copy !req
273. It's a myth.
The skin merely tightens.Copy !req
274. What do bananas grow on?Copy !req
275. Well they grow up like that
and they grow on banana trees...
They're not really trees.Copy !req
276. Take it back. 15 for that.
They are a herb,Copy !req
277. distinguished by not having a woody
stem and by dying after seeding.Copy !req
278. They walk. I'm sorry.
Banana plants walk.Copy !req
279. Nurse, he's out of bed again!Copy !req
280. They do. They walk.
I've been to Colombia,Copy !req
281. and I went to a banana plantation...
Well, if you go to Colombia
these things will happen.Copy !req
282. I was admiring this banana. I said,
"Hold on a minute," to this guy,Copy !req
283. "Why is there this big patch to
the left?" He said, "The plants walk
and they need a lot of room."Copy !req
284. You need lots of room
because they walk.Copy !req
285. They make the fields larger.
You leave a strip
because they move across.Copy !req
286. I shall...Copy !req
287. You know Betty and Keppel
when they walk...?Copy !req
288. The banana plant is a herb because
the stem doesn't have woody tissue.Copy !req
289. The banana fruit is technically
a berry, or a juicy ovary
containing seeds.Copy !req
290. Stop it! Oh!Copy !req
291. Giggling in the back row!Copy !req
292. The voice in my ear tells me you're
right, Sean, they walk - up to
40cms in a lifetime. Yes!Copy !req
293. What sort of mother gives birth
to a baby lili or a baby titi?Copy !req
294. Maybe it should be li-li and ti-ti.Copy !req
295. Obviously, armadillos. No.
There'd be four names!Copy !req
296. Er... Pandas. Not pandas, no.Copy !req
297. Dogs, cats, horses, cows, sheep...Copy !req
298. Mice, rats, gerbils.
Bluebirds. Not bluebirds,
neither. If I say li-li and ti-ti,Copy !req
299. it's because it's something to do
with li and ti. What animals...?Copy !req
300. Lions and tigers.
If a lion mates with a tiger,
you get a... Scandal.Copy !req
301. A liger. A sergeant
because they have three stripes.Copy !req
302. A liger mates with a lion,
produces a li-li, and a tigon mates
with a tiger and produces a ti-ti.Copy !req
303. They don't encounter each other
in the wild, of course,
but they've bred in captivity.Copy !req
304. I thought it was a club
they went to!Copy !req
305. A cross between a female lion
and a male tiger is called a tigon,
which is an even rarer animal.Copy !req
306. Teflon is a non-stick pan.Copy !req
307. Developed by? Someone in Iceland.Copy !req
308. Dupont.
But not for the space programme.Copy !req
309. They... If a lion mates
with a lorry tyre...Copy !req
310. it comes out as a lilo!Copy !req
311. Very good.
That wasn't worth waiting for!Copy !req
312. Who coined the phrase
"survival of the fittest",Copy !req
313. and what was his greatest discovery?Copy !req
314. I'm going to avoid saying...
It must have been Wallace,Copy !req
315. who sent stuff to Darwin. No.Copy !req
316. Kevin Keegan?Copy !req
317. And that stuff
that keeps your perm tight.Copy !req
318. Alan uses it. Darwin. I'm sorry?
Darwin.Copy !req
319. Oh, Alan! Why do you do it to us,
to yourself, to anybody?Copy !req
320. It's not Darwin. I'd worked out the
logic... It's not that obvious.Copy !req
321. It was Herbert Spencer
and his greatest achievement
was the paperclip.Copy !req
322. He was sitting twiddling another
paperclip and came up with that.Copy !req
323. He was an engineer, philosopher
and psychologist.Copy !req
324. He coined the phrase
"survival of the fittest"Copy !req
325. and Darwin adapted it later.Copy !req
326. Norwegians will tell you proudly,Copy !req
327. that the paperclip is a Norwegian
invention - Johann Vaaler in 1899.Copy !req
328. Spencer patented his design
for paperclips in the 1860s,Copy !req
329. but his supplier went bankrupt, he
was ill and never followed it up.Copy !req
330. His patent application was clipped
together. "What's your invention?"
"See top left corner."Copy !req
331. "There's nothing there."Copy !req
332. Today more than 11 billion
paperclips are sold annually,Copy !req
333. but out of every 100,000 sold
only 1 in 5 are used
to hold papers together.Copy !req
334. Others are used as poker chips,
safety pins. Toothpicks.Copy !req
335. Have you ever bought a paper clip?Copy !req
336. No, I've never bought a paperclip.
They don't sell them in ones.Copy !req
337. I'll have one paperclip.Copy !req
338. I have a hundredth of a penny here!
There you go.Copy !req
339. Would you like it wrapped?Copy !req
340. On that merry note, we must pause,
hold hands and contemplate
the final scores.Copy !req
341. In last place, I fear,Copy !req
342. with -30 points...Copy !req
343. Errr...Copy !req
344. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
345. If I got -10 for three of those,
that means I didn't get a point
all night. No, I'm sorry.Copy !req
346. You must put your belly on the
ground, as they say in Albania.Copy !req
347. In third place is Sean with 25.Copy !req
348. In second place - Linda with 30.
Not bad.Copy !req
349. Our runaway winner, with 37 points,
is Clive Anderson. Thank you.Copy !req
350. So as we bid a tearful farewell
to Clive, Sean, Linda and Alan,Copy !req
351. a reminder of why the battle
for interestingness matters.Copy !req
352. A market research team was asked
to find a name for the mergerCopy !req
353. of a university
and a college in Bradford.
They took three months to suggest -Copy !req
354. University of Bradford,Copy !req
355. The University of Bradford,Copy !req
356. or Bradford University.Copy !req
357. Their fee was £20,000. Good night.Copy !req