1. Well, hello, and welcome to QI,Copy !req
2. the quiz in which nobody dies
and nothing is proved,Copy !req
3. save that the universe is full
of quite interesting things.Copy !req
4. Albert Einstein once memorably said,Copy !req
5. "Only two things are infinite, the
universe and human stupidity, and
I'm not sure about the universe."Copy !req
6. I have the same feeling
about tonight's panel. Alan Davies.Copy !req
7. Danny Baker!Copy !req
8. Howard GoodallCopy !req
9. and Jo Brand.Copy !req
10. In this world, there are
C-lebrities, B-lebrities...Copy !req
11. We've got A-lebrities.
Each has a buzzer. Howard goes...Copy !req
12. .. Danny goes...Copy !req
13. ..Jo goes...Copy !req
14. .. Alan goes...Copy !req
15. I go "Wee, wee, wee!"
all the way home.Copy !req
16. The rules are simple.Copy !req
17. I ask unfair questions and give
points for interesting answers.Copy !req
18. I also take away pointsCopy !req
19. for answers which are wrong
and pathetically obvious.Copy !req
20. The first round tonight
is called Answers.Copy !req
21. Herbert Beerbohm Tree, Victorian
actor-manager, once hailed a taxi.Copy !req
22. When asked, "Where to, guv?",
Sir Herbert answered,Copy !req
23. "Do you really think I would give
my address to the likes of you?"Copy !req
24. In this round, I shall supply
the questionsCopy !req
25. about the questions.Copy !req
26. You must answer with the answers.Copy !req
27. What answer did Nobel Prize-winning
Danish physicist, Niels Bohr, giveCopy !req
28. when asked, "Why have you got
a horseshoe on your wall?"Copy !req
29. Alan.Copy !req
30. Me? Mmm.Copy !req
31. He hung it on the wall because
he didn't want to lose it. No.Copy !req
32. The ground was damp,
he thought it might get rusty.Copy !req
33. I like both. It looked nice?
Your previous answerCopy !req
34. reminded me of a story about the
great Edith Evans who, in the 1930s,Copy !req
35. bought a Renoir painting.Copy !req
36. Even then, it was an expensive
thing to do. A friend said, "Edith,Copy !req
37. "have Sotheby's or Christie's
delivered the Renoir yet?"Copy !req
38. She said, "It's over there."Copy !req
39. Very low down on the wall
was this Renoir.Copy !req
40. Her friend lifted a curtain
to get a proper look.Copy !req
41. She said, "It's LOVELY, Edith,Copy !req
42. "but why did you hang it there?"
She said, "There was a hook."Copy !req
43. It typifies the British attitude
towards art.Copy !req
44. WAS it a horseshoe?
In Denmark, in a bog,Copy !req
45. the found the oldest brass
instrument. It's shaped like that.Copy !req
46. It's called a Danish name
like "Ooh" or "Tooh".Copy !req
47. And it's Bronze Age.Copy !req
48. It sounds a bit like...
.. that.Copy !req
49. Maybe that's what the Dane Bohr...Copy !req
50. Bog as in mire or bog as in toilet?Copy !req
51. B...Copy !req
52. A brass instrument
from the Bronze Age.Copy !req
53. They wouldn't know
what they were playing!Copy !req
54. It's worth five points
as interesting material.Copy !req
55. Was it anything to do
with Schroedinger's cat?Copy !req
56. He WAS linked with the physicist.
Schroedinger's cat?Copy !req
57. It's a quasi-philosophical problem.Copy !req
58. - Go on!
- Oh, bollocks!Copy !req
59. I think the idea is to leave...Copy !req
60. The idea is you put the cat
in a lead casket and close the lid.Copy !req
61. You can't know for sure whether
that cat is alive or dead.Copy !req
62. It's a philosophical problem about
never being able to know...Copy !req
63. Absolutely right.Copy !req
64. Niels Bohr said of quantum physics,Copy !req
65. "If you're not shocked by it
you haven't understood it."Copy !req
66. Yeah, it's like this show, isn't it?Copy !req
67. Sometimes! The answer. "Of course,"
he said, "I don't believe in it.Copy !req
68. "But it brings you luck
whether you believe in it or not."Copy !req
69. Let's come to a second question.
What did the romantic novelist,Copy !req
70. Barbara Cartland,
answer when asked,Copy !req
71. "Would you say the barriers of
the class system have broken down?"Copy !req
72. I don't know about that,Copy !req
73. but I do know Barbara Cartland
invented the aeroplane-towed glider.Copy !req
74. Did you know that?
No! Barbara Cartland did?Copy !req
75. She was a keen airwomanCopy !req
76. and she invented pulling gliders
by aeroplane.Copy !req
77. This is marvellous! Five points.Copy !req
78. When she was young, she moved into
a house and kept hearing this ghostCopy !req
79. of a young woman calling to her.
Everyone said she was mad.Copy !req
80. Later, it was discovered
that a young woman with fair hairCopy !req
81. had been bricked into the wall
of her house.Copy !req
82. Workmen uncovered the skeleton
behind the hearth.Copy !req
83. So she believed she really HAD
heard a ghost.Copy !req
84. That's NOT worth five points.
Most people have a story like that.Copy !req
85. I'll give you five
for the aeroplane-glider.Copy !req
86. When you said aeroplane-towed,
I thought you meant "toad". Me, too!Copy !req
87. She had cruelly forced wings on itCopy !req
88. and chucked it across Berkshire.Copy !req
89. "I invented that!"Copy !req
90. She was askedCopy !req
91. if she thought British
class barriers had been broken down.Copy !req
92. She said, "Of course they have,Copy !req
93. "or I wouldn't be here talking
to someone like you."Copy !req
94. Style... may not have been one
of her properties but nonetheless...Copy !req
95. She's got a classy pair
of handcuffs on, though!Copy !req
96. She's been arrested
by someone very posh indeed.Copy !req
97. She's made the best of herself.
She's made an effort.Copy !req
98. You're not seeing her there.
It's like the sun.Copy !req
99. What you actually see
is the sun eight minutes ago.Copy !req
100. With her, what you're seeing,Copy !req
101. cos there's so much make-up,Copy !req
102. you're seeing her
about 18 years ago.Copy !req
103. If you peeled away long enough...Copy !req
104. It's like Lionel Richie.
Lionel Richie? Hello?Copy !req
105. Explain Lionel Richie's connection.Copy !req
106. It's because of the clay head.Copy !req
107. The clay head? Of course! Hello!Copy !req
108. Mick Jagger's got a great big head
on a little body.Copy !req
109. Like a New Orleans carnival head.
Great big... We've got an insightCopy !req
110. into life in an old people's home.Copy !req
111. I can't wait
to be in an old people's home.Copy !req
112. Mneh!Copy !req
113. Good. Now.Copy !req
114. Howard, what answer did the Spanish
- the Spanish generalCopy !req
115. and political leaderCopy !req
116. Ramon Blanco Y Erenas give on his
deathbed to the priest when asked,Copy !req
117. "Do you forgive your enemies?"Copy !req
118. Well, I'm sure it was in Spanish.
Was it, "I don't speak English?"Copy !req
119. Hancock - "Too many things
have gone wrong too many times."Copy !req
120. - Nick Hancock's killed himself?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
121. I was in a room with Paul Merton
and Nicholas Parsons,Copy !req
122. just to show off
my show biz credentials.Copy !req
123. I'm going to change that
and suggest it was a sauna.Copy !req
124. Well...Copy !req
125. Start again, "I was in a sauna..."
With a leak-proof pen, obviously,Copy !req
126. because Paul Merton was writing on
this piece of paper for a long time.Copy !req
127. Nicholas Parsons says,Copy !req
128. "Paul, what are you writing?"
Paul said, "It's a suicide note."Copy !req
129. He said, "Oh."
Paul said, "Sign here."Copy !req
130. It's a rather good joke.Copy !req
131. There we are.Copy !req
132. Who was this Spanish fella...?Copy !req
133. He was asked whether he forgave
his enemies on his deathbed.Copy !req
134. He said, "No, I don't have any.
I've had them all shot."Copy !req
135. Well, the patron saint of QI is
the Roman, Gaius Plinius Secundus,Copy !req
136. better known as Pliny The Elder.Copy !req
137. His Natural History
is the great encyclopedia,Copy !req
138. covering all knowledge at the time.Copy !req
139. "Life," he said, "is my subject."Copy !req
140. He estimated that the 37 volumes
he wroteCopy !req
141. contained 20,000 important facts
derived from 2,000 books.Copy !req
142. The 28th book of his magnum opus
is what concerns us now,Copy !req
143. packed as it is with antidotes.Copy !req
144. State-of-the-art remedies
culled from the great medical minds
of the ancient world.Copy !req
145. What does Pliny expect to cureCopy !req
146. if the patient eats the heart
of a black jackass, outside,Copy !req
147. on the second day of the moon?Copy !req
148. Mumps.Copy !req
149. Actually, I have no idea.
There was a suggestion onceCopy !req
150. that the key to eternal life
lies in the elbow.Copy !req
151. If it can be consumed,
you will live forever.Copy !req
152. This is why nobody
can lick their own elbow.Copy !req
153. Even though...Copy !req
154. I know the audience
are desperate to have a go!Copy !req
155. It's attainable until here.
Whether the theory came first...Copy !req
156. If you can,
you'll live forever.Copy !req
157. Isn't that how socialism
was invented? Someone said, "Come,
let us lick each other's elbows."Copy !req
158. It doesn't work like that!Copy !req
159. The thing is,Copy !req
160. no young man of licking ageCopy !req
161. spends any time
trying to lick his elbow!Copy !req
162. Why would you eat a jackass's heart
by the light of the moon?Copy !req
163. It must be something
awfully serious.Copy !req
164. Where do you get a black jackass
from anyway, these days?Copy !req
165. Kentucky Fried Jackass?Copy !req
166. I'll tell you the answer. Gout.
It's not gout.Copy !req
167. It's actually epilepsy. Although
he also prescribes for epilepsyCopy !req
168. the consumption
of lightly-poached bears' testes,Copy !req
169. a camel's brain,
dried and taken with honey,Copy !req
170. or, in extremis,
a draft of fresh gladiator's blood.Copy !req
171. He doesn't mention Tegretol, then?
No.Copy !req
172. Is that what you favour? Yes, it is.
It's a specific drug for epilepsy.Copy !req
173. Do you have epilepsy? No.
She knows loads about drugs.Copy !req
174. Does she? Yeah, cos she's a nurse.Copy !req
175. And a drug addict.Copy !req
176. What would you think... Who shall
we ask? Jo. What would you thinkCopy !req
177. if I touched the tips of your
genitals with linen or papyrus?Copy !req
178. To be honest, Stephen, I'd be
bloody impressed you found the tip.Copy !req
179. I'd say, "Stop trying to make
the bed while I'm still in it."Copy !req
180. I'd think that since it's something
absorbent, it would suggestCopy !req
181. that something's coming out of Jo's
genitals you were hoping to absorb.Copy !req
182. And what affliction...
What affliction might that suggest?Copy !req
183. Stress incontinence. That's right.Copy !req
184. Although you might opt for the
alternative cure for incontinence,Copy !req
185. which is to knock back
a glass of sweet wineCopy !req
186. mixed with the ash of a pig's penis.Copy !req
187. Then urinating in your,
or your neighbour's dog's bed.Copy !req
188. None of this is made up.Copy !req
189. And the pig would go, "I'm glad
to see YOU'RE still pissing!"Copy !req
190. "Where's my penis?" Howard. Howard,Copy !req
191. Howard, Howardy Howardy Hustard.
After that...Copy !req
192. Yes. .. guessing the uses
for a cream made with pig's lardCopy !req
193. and chariot wheel rust will be easy.Copy !req
194. He liked his pigs, didn't he?Copy !req
195. Suntan oil. Is it to do with the
gladiators? Does it repel lions?Copy !req
196. I'll tell you what it is because
I've no idea myself. Haemorrhoids.Copy !req
197. I could tell you anything
you want to know about haemorrhoids.Copy !req
198. Nothing on the market works.Copy !req
199. You might be interested in this.Copy !req
200. For haemorrhoids, it's swan's fat.Copy !req
201. You might rub the afflicted part
with the urine of a she-goat.Copy !req
202. You have to find a middle-aged one
that's got stress incontinence.Copy !req
203. It's better than supporting the
immoral pharmaceutical companiesCopy !req
204. that are destroying our globe,
actuallyCopy !req
205. They are! They take hundreds of
pounds off me! Well, there you are.Copy !req
206. Pity the poor Roman with a headache.Copy !req
207. Here is Pliny's quite unequivocal...Copy !req
208. "A fox's genitals tied
to the forehead is the surest routeCopy !req
209. "to relief for a headache."
It's all obvious. Where's the fox?Copy !req
210. Are they attached to the fox?
I suspect they would be.Copy !req
211. Did anyone say, "Pliny, you're
talking rubbish. None of this works."Copy !req
212. These days, a lot of antibiotics
are working less and less well.Copy !req
213. Many people find themselves
with infections that won't clear up.Copy !req
214. Two of the most popular curesCopy !req
215. are maggots, used in Western
hospitals to clean up wounds,Copy !req
216. the other is honey.Copy !req
217. Woah!Copy !req
218. Er... Bees.Copy !req
219. Bees. Did you know,Copy !req
220. the British bee died out in WWI.Copy !req
221. One of the little-known casualties.Copy !req
222. I know this as I had an infestation.
Was it the Somerset Regiment?Copy !req
223. In the cemetery there are
all these little white crosses.Copy !req
224. All the bees in England
got a terrible cold during WWI,Copy !req
225. and practically died out.Copy !req
226. The imported Mexican bees
and bees from elsewhereCopy !req
227. to start bees again. All the bees
you think are ethnic British bees...Copy !req
228. Do the British National Party know?Copy !req
229. The Bee-NP?Copy !req
230. The BNP! One of my favourite jokes
is about bees.Copy !req
231. Here we go. It's not long. Good!
Two beekeepers. One says,
"How many bees have you got?"Copy !req
232. He says, "10,000." He says,
"How many hives have you got?"Copy !req
233. "20."20 hives and 10,000 bees?"
"Yeah. How many bees have you got?"Copy !req
234. "A million."
"How many hives have you got?"Copy !req
235. "One."A million bees, one hive?"
"BLEEP them, they're only bees!"Copy !req
236. Very nice.Copy !req
237. A fellow goes into a cake shop.Copy !req
238. "A wasp, please."We don't sell
wasps."There's one in your window!"Copy !req
239. Alan. Mmm? Take a question, please.Copy !req
240. Simple first aid in the home.Copy !req
241. How would Pliny deal with a
lump of bread caught in the throat?Copy !req
242. A cow's testes,Copy !req
243. fried lightly in goose fatCopy !req
244. with a coulis of monkey brain.Copy !req
245. And then a light,
feathery, nettle meringue...Copy !req
246. Oooh, hello!Copy !req
247. I'm the only one using it!Copy !req
248. I'm totally distracted! Did they
send a pigeon in after the bread?Copy !req
249. No, they don't! They place a piece
from the same loaf in each ear.Copy !req
250. Brilliant Isn't it good
Obvious, when you think about itCopy !req
251. Sane, practical advice from a great
observer of the human family.Copy !req
252. Indeed, so dedicated was Pliny
to close observationCopy !req
253. that it was to be the death of him.Copy !req
254. As Vesuvius erupted in AD79,
24th August AD79,Copy !req
255. curious
and keen to save his friends,Copy !req
256. he returned to Pompeii.Copy !req
257. Protected by a pillowCopy !req
258. tied to his head with a napkin,Copy !req
259. he had an improvised
crash helmet-cum-gas mask combo.Copy !req
260. He was suffocated by the fumes.Copy !req
261. It's strange we think of the Romans
as noble architects and soldiers
bestriding the straight roadsCopy !req
262. when, clearly, they were at at home
with the sniffles,Copy !req
263. festooned with the dangly bits
of wild animals,Copy !req
264. sipping hot toddies made from piss.Copy !req
265. Continuing our Ancient Roman theme,Copy !req
266. it's quite interesting
that ancient Britain was so unrulyCopy !req
267. that it was the only province that
had a permanent garrison of troops.Copy !req
268. The strength of the Roman Army
was only 150,000 men,Copy !req
269. plus the same number of auxiliaries.Copy !req
270. This was more than a match
for the ancient Danish armyCopy !req
271. which between 1104 and 1134
consisted of just seven men.Copy !req
272. Here are some questions
about armies through the ages.Copy !req
273. All armies are not alike.
Danny, what did 24 people last yearCopy !req
274. have to thank the Swiss army for?Copy !req
275. They have a navy, even though...
They do have a navy.Copy !req
276. The fourth largest navy in the world
if one goes by boats alone...Copy !req
277. Disney. Disney has the fourth
largest flotilla, navy, in the world.Copy !req
278. Good God!
They'll be making films next!Copy !req
279. I know something about Switzerland.Copy !req
280. Switzerland
has four official languages,Copy !req
281. and none are used on their stamps.Copy !req
282. None IS used on their stamps.
Is that correct?Copy !req
283. Again, with the grammatical...Copy !req
284. Already, already!Copy !req
285. They use Latin on their stamps.Copy !req
286. 24 people a year are murderedCopy !req
287. by members of the Swiss army.Copy !req
288. It's only a small-standing army,Copy !req
289. but every man does military service.Copy !req
290. Each has an automatic assault rifle,Copy !req
291. which he keeps with 72 rounds
of live ammunition.Copy !req
292. Last year, this resulted in
24 murders which, believe it or not,Copy !req
293. is the third highest rate
of handgun murder per head.Copy !req
294. How did army medics
in the Vietnam WarCopy !req
295. prevent wounded US soldiers
from swallowing their own tongues?Copy !req
296. Why would they swallow their own
tongues? It's common when wounded.Copy !req
297. They cut the tongue out. They were
practical and American about it.Copy !req
298. They gave them a hamburger?Copy !req
299. Swallow that instead!Copy !req
300. No, they attached them
with safety pins to their cheeks.Copy !req
301. Pinned them?Copy !req
302. This is quite interesting.
Casualties in VietnamCopy !req
303. were considerably higher than Iraq,
but more American soldiersCopy !req
304. committed suicide after serving in
Vietnam than were killed in combat.Copy !req
305. Jo, what's rather attractive
about the army of Costa Rica?Copy !req
306. They've got a pulse?Copy !req
307. Do they all look like
Sir Bernard Ingham?Copy !req
308. I can give you an answer.Copy !req
309. It's attractive to those of us
who aren't that interested in war.Copy !req
310. It doesn't exist!Copy !req
311. The country is so peaceful
the army was disbanded in 1949.Copy !req
312. It's the only country
whose constitution forbids an army.Copy !req
313. Instead, they have
560 varieties of butterflies,Copy !req
314. 830 species of birds
and 1,200 kinds of orchid.Copy !req
315. Why hasn't someone invaded them,
if they've got all that and no army?Copy !req
316. I'm no warmonger, but... You are!
It's a beastly thing to say!Copy !req
317. The French statesman Tallyrand,
1754 - 1838, once said,Copy !req
318. "I am more afraid of an army
of 100 sheep led by a lionCopy !req
319. than an army of 100 lions
led by a sheep. He's an idiot!Copy !req
320. I think he's talking metaphorically.Copy !req
321. Why are there no Alsatians
in the Spanish army?Copy !req
322. Howard. I've no idea.Copy !req
323. Is it one of these things where
the king mad his dog or his donkeyCopy !req
324. the next heir? It's not, actually.Copy !req
325. It's a rather bizarre reason.
I'll tell you.Copy !req
326. The minimum IQ required
to be in the Spanish army is 70.Copy !req
327. Alsatians only have an IQ of 60.Copy !req
328. It's true.
The German shepherd dog...Copy !req
329. An Alsatian has an IQ of 60?Copy !req
330. If you said, "Two trains set off
from Plymouth, one going at 30 mphCopy !req
331. "and one at 40 mph,
what time would they..." WOOF!Copy !req
332. They've got dolphins
in the American navy.Copy !req
333. It was funny when they let them out
to find mines and they buggered off.Copy !req
334. That proves their intelligence.Copy !req
335. That's enough armies! Let's move on.Copy !req
336. It's to the traditional last round.
It's General Ignorance.Copy !req
337. Fingers on the buzzers, please,Copy !req
338. for this intensely competitive
finale.Copy !req
339. What noise does the largest frog
in the world make?Copy !req
340. Very good! That's your answer!Copy !req
341. That's my answer.
Any other thoughts? Ribbit!Copy !req
342. Who said "ribbit"?Copy !req
343. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
How do you spell ribbit? Like that.Copy !req
344. That's "rabbit" in New Zealand.Copy !req
345. I've been out shooting ribbits!Copy !req
346. I will tell you what the sound is...
No, don't tell us, do it!Copy !req
347. I'll give you my party impression.Copy !req
348. Is it a metallic noise? No.Copy !req
349. I'll give you... This is it...Copy !req
350. It's not that at all. That's
the sound people being amusing.Copy !req
351. In fact, the three foot long
Goliath frog of Cameroon is mute.Copy !req
352. There are 4,360
known species of frog,Copy !req
353. but only one of them in fact,
Alan, goes "ribbit".Copy !req
354. Each species
has its own unique call -Copy !req
355. the reason that everyone thinks
all frogs go "ribbit"Copy !req
356. is that "ribbit" is the call of
the Southern Pacific tree frog.Copy !req
357. It lives in Hollywood. It's been
plastered all over the moviesCopy !req
358. to enhance the atmosphere of the
Everglades to Vietnamese jungles.Copy !req
359. Frogs make a variety of noises -
they croak, snore, grunt, trill,
gluck, chirp, ring, and growl.Copy !req
360. And they say... Yes?
They also say...Copy !req
361. It's not easy being green.Copy !req
362. Bless.Copy !req
363. Frogs make noises like sheep,
cattle, squirrels and crickets.Copy !req
364. The barking tree frog yaps
like a dog, the carpenter frog
like hammering nails,Copy !req
365. and Fowler's toad makes noises
like Red Indians whooping.Copy !req
366. Most female frogs, like the Goliath
frog, make no noise at all.Copy !req
367. Because we can't get
a bloody word in edgeways!Copy !req
368. Next question...Copy !req
369. What is forty poles long
and four poles wide?Copy !req
370. Is it a regiment in the Polish army?Copy !req
371. So sorry...
Oh dear, considered obvious.Copy !req
372. That's cruel, all that hard work.
It's quite simple... it's the acre.Copy !req
373. The pole - or rod or perch -
is five-and-a-half yards.Copy !req
374. An acre is 4,840 square yards
or ten cricket pitches long,Copy !req
375. by one wide.Copy !req
376. The same as 11.3 basketball courts
or 3.9 Olympic swimming pools,Copy !req
377. as if you care.Copy !req
378. What was used to open the Chicago
World Fair in 1933?Copy !req
379. This is a goody. Yes.Copy !req
380. Open arms...
No-one say anything!Copy !req
381. Shall I put you out of your misery?Copy !req
382. If you know, you know.
The answer is this...Copy !req
383. Arcturus.Copy !req
384. The brightest star in the northern
hemisphere and the fourth brightest
in the night sky.Copy !req
385. The 1933 fair would be opened by
light which would set off from
Arcturus in 1893,Copy !req
386. the date of the previous fair,
40 years before.Copy !req
387. Arcturus being 40 light years
from Earth.Copy !req
388. One end of a telescope
was pointed at the star,
the other at a photocell.Copy !req
389. When enough light was collected,
it tripped a switch.Copy !req
390. But not cunning enough.Copy !req
391. Scientists now know that Arcturus
is not 40 light years away, but 34.Copy !req
392. or 36.7 or 37, or according
to an internet source, 70. So...Copy !req
393. it's time for the final scores.Copy !req
394. Well, well, well... Alan still
in fourth with 8 points. 8 points!Copy !req
395. Jo, third with 13 points.Copy !req
396. In second place with 17 quite
interesting points is Howard.Copy !req
397. It was the Polish army.Copy !req
398. Otherwise you would have
been way out in front.Copy !req
399. However, our winner is Danny Baker.Copy !req
400. It only remains for me
to remind any young people watchingCopy !req
401. of the horrendous dangers
of playing truant from schoolCopy !req
402. by pointing at the panel.Copy !req
403. And to say something quite
interesting in keeping
with the theme of antidotes.Copy !req
404. A medical emergency
taken from the Daily Mirror -Copy !req
405. last Christmas supermarket
shoppers were distressed
to see an old lady collapse.Copy !req
406. A passing doctor diagnosed her
as suffering from hyperthermia.Copy !req
407. This was confirmed but found to be
aggravated by the stolen frozen
chicken in her fur hat.Copy !req
408. Good night.Copy !req