1. Welcome to QI, the programme
that's tough on boredom.Copy !req
2. Let's meet the magistrates of mirth,
Clive Anderson,Copy !req
3. Bill Bailey,Copy !req
4. Meera Syal and Alan Davies.Copy !req
5. The rules - the questions are hard
and the scoring is my business.Copy !req
6. Each has a gavel. Meera goes...Copy !req
7. Clive goes...Copy !req
8. Bill goes...Copy !req
9. Alan goes...Copy !req
10. Fingers and palms on buzzers please.Copy !req
11. What is the longest animal
in the world?Copy !req
12. Or which, if you prefer.Copy !req
13. Alan.Copy !req
14. I'm... now...Copy !req
15. The first thing that came to mind
would be a really long snake.Copy !req
16. But I think, even the longest snake
wouldn't be as long as a really
long sea animal like a whale.Copy !req
17. It's not the blue whale.
It's not? No.Copy !req
18. It was too obvious an answer...Copy !req
19. Bill, Bill, Bill.Copy !req
20. The common garden, domestic cat.Copy !req
21. They are that long though! Yes.Copy !req
22. But when you stretch them out.Copy !req
23. Have you ever held a cat up
under its arms? It's massive.Copy !req
24. The blue whale is longer than that...
Yes, but in its class.Copy !req
25. If you held a blue whale up, you'd
have to stand it on a tall building,Copy !req
26. and swing it for hours.Copy !req
27. It's a tape worm
inside a blue whale.Copy !req
28. That's very good. That's it.
Brilliant thinking, but no.Copy !req
29. Let's forget the buzzers now.Copy !req
30. I would hazard a guess
and say the Portugese man-of-war.Copy !req
31. Five points - you're in
the right class. It is a jellyfish.Copy !req
32. It has tendrils that stretch down.
No, across.Copy !req
33. Are any of you familiar... And down
as they do both, they whip people.Copy !req
34. Do you know the Sherlock Holmes'
story, The Lion's Mane? No.Copy !req
35. It's about a man who is seen
staggering from the sea with
this extraordinary network of weals,Copy !req
36. as if he'd been whipped and had
a red-hot net put onto his back.Copy !req
37. As he dies he goes, "The mane,
the lion's mane!" Just like that.Copy !req
38. Holmes was retired and keeping bees.Copy !req
39. He discovers...Copy !req
40. Against their will?Copy !req
41. They loved being kept by Holmes.Copy !req
42. The Lord Chancellor,
under John Major... Under duress?Copy !req
43. .. Was Lord Mackay of Clashfern.
Charming man.Copy !req
44. He was a member of the Wee Frees,
a Scottish sect.Copy !req
45. He was thrown out.Copy !req
46. He went to a funeral of...
He was soft on homosexuals.Copy !req
47. ..to a funeral of a Catholic judge.Copy !req
48. He wasn't allowed back in.Copy !req
49. They don't like any pot pourri.
No. Or any smelly object.Copy !req
50. Awful. Oh. Awful.Copy !req
51. He was a bit mean and gave a party
for some Scottish lawyers
with toast and a tiny pot of honeyCopy !req
52. and one lawyer says, "Aye,
I see your Lordship keeps a bee."Copy !req
53. Kind of amusing, not rude enough.Copy !req
54. The answer is
the Lion's Mane jellyfish.Copy !req
55. The main body is eight feet across.Copy !req
56. But its tentacles
are over 200 feet long, Alan.Copy !req
57. So you'd be going,
"Get off, you bastard!"Copy !req
58. "Come here and try that."Copy !req
59. "Come on..."Copy !req
60. How did it happen to be a story?
Did somebody scoop it
out of the ocean...Copy !req
61. It had come up on the jet-stream
as jellyfish do,Copy !req
62. to Cornwall and to the south coast.Copy !req
63. It came up the jet-stream - on
an aircraft? Sorry, the Gulf Stream!Copy !req
64. On a private jet!Copy !req
65. They need the extra leg room. Club?Copy !req
66. Steering it from the back.Copy !req
67. The exits are here, here, here
and here, here, here, here, here...Copy !req
68. Excellent. Very good.Copy !req
69. The Lion's Mane sting
can occasionally be fatal.
Ocassionally fatal?Copy !req
70. How many times has it
got to be fatal to matter?Copy !req
71. It only kills some people.Copy !req
72. To neutralise a jelly sting
don't you have to urinate on it?Copy !req
73. The ammonia is good.Copy !req
74. So they say.
I think it's an excuse to have fun.Copy !req
75. "You wanna wee on that!"
Another jet-stream!Copy !req
76. "Another jet-stream"!
very good indeed.Copy !req
77. A whale is 106 feet long, it's
a huge creature, the blue whale.Copy !req
78. What do you think is the largest
thing that a blue whale can swallow?Copy !req
79. Another blue whale.Copy !req
80. Surely that would mean
you're leading us to a small thing,Copy !req
81. because it's so big,
and it's only a really tiny thing,Copy !req
82. but I'd say something huge. Kebab.Copy !req
83. Yeah, a kebab. Sideways.Copy !req
84. Maybe it's conceptual.
The blue whale, a vain animal -Copy !req
85. the largest thing
it has to swallow is its pride.Copy !req
86. Very good.Copy !req
87. Or a very gullible animal?
Aren't they vegetarian?Copy !req
88. No, they're not! No? They eat fish.Copy !req
89. Krill is the particular name.Copy !req
90. They sieve with their teeth.
Yes, because krill are very small,Copy !req
91. it comes from the Dutch,
"very small thing". It takes ages!Copy !req
92. I didn't know you did a blue whale!
Yes, sieving its krill! Ah!Copy !req
93. Everything right except the hands.Copy !req
94. Very good.Copy !req
95. I reckon they could get
a ping pong ball down their neck.Copy !req
96. Yes! Something like an egg?Copy !req
97. You're on the right lines. Lobster?Copy !req
98. Nothing bigger than a grapefruit.Copy !req
99. Really. They've tiny throats,
and can't expand them much.Copy !req
100. They're about the size of a small
side plate. So they could be
a supermodel, same diet, really.Copy !req
101. Except that they do eat
three tons of krill every day!Copy !req
102. It's odd, cos they have
the biggest brain in the world,
but all they do is lie in the water,Copy !req
103. sieving little bits of food. Well,Copy !req
104. they can call to each other over
10,000 miles, that's impressive!Copy !req
105. I've never heard a blue whale!Copy !req
106. Never! Have you listened?Copy !req
107. But surely... 10,000 miles
under water... Yes? But six feet
up to the surface - nothing!Copy !req
108. There's a blue whale a mile away
going, "All right, I'm only here!"Copy !req
109. Stop shouting! Whale song is very
indulgent, like jazz. Do you think?Copy !req
110. We're being very mean on them.
Their tongues are heavier
than a whole elephant.Copy !req
111. Just one blue whale tongue...
A blue...?Copy !req
112. Their hearts are about the size
of a small family van. Family van?Copy !req
113. Yes, a pick-up thing. SUV.
But when they have babies...Copy !req
114. Now their genitalia's interesting!Copy !req
115. Give me the length of a blue
whale's penis! A Nissan Micra.Copy !req
116. "Give me the length of a blue
whale's penis" No, no.Copy !req
117. Give it to me now!Copy !req
118. I don't think
I could manage, Stephen!Copy !req
119. Disappointing! Well, a blue whale...Copy !req
120. About that long. An arm's length.
My dear fellow, it's 16 foot long!Copy !req
121. 16 foot long! Oh, dear!Copy !req
122. 16 foot/feet. Flaccid?Copy !req
123. It doesn't...
They don't get erections.Copy !req
124. Well, you wouldn't, would you?
You'd faint!Copy !req
125. Oh, the blood's in me cock!Copy !req
126. You have to think of yourself,
don't you, Alan - not of Mrs Whale!Copy !req
127. She'd suffer most. I'm sure
Mrs Whale has an ENORMOUS vagina!Copy !req
128. Big enough to take 16 feet...
Like someone's living room!Copy !req
129. The size of a car... You'd have
to get through the living room...Copy !req
130. What would you say a blue whale's
testicle contained, in terms of...Copy !req
131. fluid ounces, or if you prefer...Copy !req
132. I wouldn't like to be in the way!Copy !req
133. Don't give me metric.
Each testicle?Copy !req
134. Liquid measure? So we're talking
gallons? Yes. 20 gallons.Copy !req
135. Yes. No need to exaggerate,
it's seven! Higher!Copy !req
136. It's 14 gallons both, of course.
Oh, right.Copy !req
137. And if they're having a party,
it's more!Copy !req
138. Are they like
a couple of medicine balls?Copy !req
139. They weigh 22 pounds each, which
in human terms would be pathetic,Copy !req
140. that would make ours weighing
like an individual broad bean.Copy !req
141. One last question on
aquatic animals. What do you think
you could teach an octopus?Copy !req
142. Could I teach an octopus?
Well... yeah.Copy !req
143. I have seen an octopus. Yes? Good!
I went scuba diving.Copy !req
144. I saw one in a restaurant in Greece.Copy !req
145. They use the ink to make risotto.
They do!Copy !req
146. Do you know how octopuses mate?
Tell! With their third right arm!Copy !req
147. We all do that! Yes! Quite!Copy !req
148. They use their third right arm
to transfer sperm to the female,Copy !req
149. which leaves the other seven free
to hold the kebab and remote control!Copy !req
150. Do they have a brain per tentacle,
or am I making that up? You're not.Copy !req
151. It's a matter of debate
among octopus students...Copy !req
152. I'm glad to join in, then!
It doesn't have a separate brain,Copy !req
153. but some believe it needs
so much neural power to control
the thousands of suckers separately,Copy !req
154. that the intelligence
is located somewhere...Copy !req
155. Not a brain as we know it,
but they are very bright.Copy !req
156. There's one trick
they can be made to do.Copy !req
157. Which we need to teach it?
Which it can be taught.Copy !req
158. Play the drums? No.Copy !req
159. Assemble a drum kit quickly.Copy !req
160. It can unscrew the lid of a bottle
or some sort of container.Copy !req
161. It can take ten seconds or an hour,
depending on the lid. Yeah.Copy !req
162. Like girls!
Girls can't do that, either!Copy !req
163. They loosen it first, as you know!Copy !req
164. The one thing that men can do now,
cos women can do everything else,Copy !req
165. except open jars. Once they work
out how to do that, we're finished!Copy !req
166. Now you've got octopuses to do
it...! We're doomed as a sex.Copy !req
167. They don't have very good memories,
so they have to learn every day.Copy !req
168. Scientists have to teach them
each time how to do it...Copy !req
169. They've got three hearts! Five
points, as that's quite interesting.Copy !req
170. If you cut a tentacle off,
it'll still reach for food.Copy !req
171. You can keep it in the kitchen to
take the lids off your jars!Copy !req
172. Would that work? Now, next question.Copy !req
173. What begins with A,
has 6 Cs and no Bs? Clive.Copy !req
174. Well... is it the Welsh alphabet?Copy !req
175. Doesn't mention the Is.
No, that would be the clincher.Copy !req
176. No Bs... As in "bzzz"?
No bees, like that?Copy !req
177. Is it six seas, as in the ocean?
Six seas... Ah! Ah! Ah!Copy !req
178. Begins with A... Ooh!Copy !req
179. There are no states in America
beginning with B, and there are
six Cs - California, two Carolinas,Copy !req
180. Connecticut, I think there are six.
So I think that's right, or wrong.Copy !req
181. I don't care if I get any points...
You don't, but you certainly
get the admiration of us all.Copy !req
182. I'm not feeling admiration!
No, you've worked better at it,Copy !req
183. but let's turn our attention
to the question.Copy !req
184. Antarctica! Brilliant,
that's the right answer!Copy !req
185. Well, I think I'm right!Copy !req
186. I'm not accepting it!Copy !req
187. That's not strictly true, is it,
because of course you have
the Antarctican ice bee.Copy !req
188. If you did, the question would be
meaningless. Yes.Copy !req
189. I wouldn't put it beyond you
to take a bee to Antarctica, and
photograph it, just to get a point!Copy !req
190. Bee? You see?Copy !req
191. The thrust of the question was bees
as in buzz and seas as in oceans,Copy !req
192. bordered by the Ross, Davis,
Weddell, Bellingshausen, Lazarev
and the Amundsen Seas,Copy !req
193. but not one little member of the
92,000 hymenopteran bees and waspsCopy !req
194. exists or has its being
in Antarctica. The what bees?Copy !req
195. Hymenoptera. Hymen?
It means "wedding" in Greek -Copy !req
196. there was a myth about bees
officiating at Zeus' wedding,Copy !req
197. which I told you before, and you
were bored then! I'm disappointed
you haven't remembered!Copy !req
198. Bees in charge of a wedding?
They catered for the wedding!Copy !req
199. Mainly honey-based catering!Copy !req
200. They invented honey
specifically for it!Copy !req
201. Now, let's address ourselves
to the rather Clivey subject of...Copy !req
202. Andersons.
According to Amiannoying.com,Copy !req
203. Clive Anderson is 17% less annoying
than the continent of Antarctica.Copy !req
204. Andersons are quite common,
it's the 13th commonest surname
in the English-speaking world,Copy !req
205. but are they interesting?
Let's start with an easy one.Copy !req
206. Alan, who's the odd one out? Clive
Anderson, Pamela Anderson, Gillian
Anderson or Hans Christian Andersen?Copy !req
207. You see, Clive hasn't done
any topless modelling...Copy !req
208. Well, I'm sorry to stop you there!Copy !req
209. When was this picture taken? I have
exactly the same shirt on there!Copy !req
210. Years ago, I had the same shirt.Copy !req
211. Now Hans Christian Andersen,
Danish writer of children's stories,Copy !req
212. Gillian Anderson, actor, she's
English, Pamela Anderson isn't...Copy !req
213. Is she? From the X-Files?
Yes, born in London. Very good!Copy !req
214. She was the only one
whose wedding bees catered at.Copy !req
215. Any one can be an odd person out.Copy !req
216. You've hit the nail on the head.
Hans Christian is dead, and none
of the rest of us are at the moment.Copy !req
217. And he spells it with an E instead
of an O. Like Arthur Andersen,Copy !req
218. but he doesn't boast about that
any more. Quite.Copy !req
219. Pamela's the only one
who videoed her honeymoon,Copy !req
220. I'm the only one who's here,
and Gillian's the only one
who isn't an odd one out!Copy !req
221. Pamela Anderson's the odd one out.
Why?Copy !req
222. Because she has... sunglasses on.
Big tits.Copy !req
223. Go on, say it,
you know you want to!Copy !req
224. Sorry, it's just me.Copy !req
225. I was not gonna say she's the
odd one out cos she's got big tits!Copy !req
226. No, erm... Let me... She's American.Copy !req
227. She's Canadian. Is she?
Hans Christian is the only oneCopy !req
228. without a range of swimwear.Copy !req
229. Yes, my range of swimwear
hasn't gone down terribly well.Copy !req
230. They're largely aimed
at the blue whale market.Copy !req
231. I won't explain why for the moment!
We're optimistic.Copy !req
232. Are you vegetarian?
I'm not, but... Ah! Ah!Copy !req
233. So, clearly... The other three
are vegetarians. Or were,
in the case of Andersen.Copy !req
234. Hans Christian...
Pamela Anderson never... eats meat?Copy !req
235. Now... Now...Copy !req
236. Bill, what was the unforgettable
achievement of John Henry Anderson,Copy !req
237. the great wizard of the North?Copy !req
238. John Henry Anderson. Yup. Known as
the Great Wizard of the North.Copy !req
239. Why look at me as if I might know?Copy !req
240. Have a bash. I suppose
it could be wizard, wizardry,Copy !req
241. as in some sort of Ku Klux Klan
Grand Wizardry sort of thing,
but then they were Grand Wizards.Copy !req
242. I don't know. Is he a freemason?Copy !req
243. To be honest, I don't know. I don't
know his cock length or hair colour.Copy !req
244. So he hasn't met you, Stephen!Copy !req
245. Is he alive or dead? Well dead,
we're talking 18th century.Copy !req
246. Was he a sporting wizard,
like a spin bowler?Copy !req
247. Or perhaps a very, very good putter.Copy !req
248. Turning frogs into princes?
That sort of thing in the way
that normal people actually do...Copy !req
249. A conjuror? A conjuror, yes!
He did the first of a famous trick.Copy !req
250. The Indian rope trick. Sawed a lady
in half? No. Hat and rabbit? Yes!Copy !req
251. The first man to
pull a rabbit out of a hat. Ah!Copy !req
252. Very impressive. He was the finest
magician to come out of Scotland,
legendary in the 19th century.Copy !req
253. His inexhaustible bottle
was popular,Copy !req
254. which produced any drink requested
by members of the audience,Copy !req
255. and the trick in which he seemingly
caught a bullet fired from a musket.Copy !req
256. He advertised himself
by leaving pats of butter around
hotels, reading "Anderson is here."Copy !req
257. I've tried that. Does it work?Copy !req
258. You're providing both
the announcement of your arrival
and the lubricant in one happy go.Copy !req
259. Meera, Meera, on the... panel.Copy !req
260. What did Hans Christian Andersen
have in common with Joseph Stalin,
specifically?Copy !req
261. Hans Christian Andersen
was a weird fellow.Copy !req
262. He was well weird.
Erm... He was an agoraphobic.Copy !req
263. Correct. Two points.Copy !req
264. And apparently the Ugly Duckling
is a gay parable, cos he was gay.Copy !req
265. He was well gay, yes. Well gay.Copy !req
266. Well gay. A big butty user.Copy !req
267. Cos nobody knows the original ending
of the story, when the duckling
goes off to do musical theatre,Copy !req
268. but it's clearly a gay parable.Copy !req
269. He adored the ballet, not that that
in itself it's a sign of being gay,
though let's face it, it is!Copy !req
270. He fell in love with the son
of a friend, who married,Copy !req
271. and his body was buried
with this boy and this boy's wife,Copy !req
272. till the family decided it was
a stain to have this threesome
in the grave... A bit crowded!Copy !req
273. So they were removed.
But he was a sad figure.Copy !req
274. It says on my card he was a friend
of Dickens - not quite true...Copy !req
275. "Friend of Dickens"? Is that
a euphemism? That's enough of that!Copy !req
276. Dickens got very tired of him. He
stayed at his house and wouldn't go.
I'm exhausted, Hans! Please leave!Copy !req
277. Take your butter with you!
HANS - off!Copy !req
278. It's where the phrases "hands off"
and "what the Dickens!" come from.Copy !req
279. It's a very specific thing he had -
they were both the offspring
of a cobbler and a washerwoman.Copy !req
280. The same one? No, dear!Copy !req
281. Then they'd be brothers! We're
trying to get a link between them!Copy !req
282. As Meera said, Andersen survived
to become a gangling, gay
vegetarian writer of fairy talesCopy !req
283. who suffered from dyslexia,
agoraphobia, and the fear of either
being burned or buried alive,Copy !req
284. than his cuddly namesake, Clive.Copy !req
285. Finally, to a magisterial morass
of memory loss,Copy !req
286. as I remind you that general
ignorance of the law is no excuse.
Fingers on buzzers, please.Copy !req
287. What did Atlas carry on his
shoulders?Copy !req
288. The Earth. Oh, Alan,
why, why, why do you always do this?Copy !req
289. In Greek myth, Atlas, one of the
Titans who rebelled against Zeus,Copy !req
290. was punished by Zeus by being made
to carry the sky, the heavens, but -Copy !req
291. he is often shown holding the globe,
famously on a collection of maps
by Flemish cartographer MercatorCopy !req
292. the volume was known as Mercator's
Atlas, and the name stuck.Copy !req
293. I've always seen pictures of him
with the Earth.Copy !req
294. I used to think, "Where are his
hands? You could go and find them."Copy !req
295. What provides more than 50%
of the Earth's oxygen?Copy !req
296. And Alan's in there first. Trees.Copy !req
297. Oh, dear oh dear!Copy !req
298. Every time, headlong!Copy !req
299. Is it not..? Not trees.
They eat carbon dioxide...Copy !req
300. They do provide oxygen, not 50%.Copy !req
301. It's the British Oxygen Company.
They've cornered the market.Copy !req
302. The oceans... The plankton stuff.Copy !req
303. It's like... Worms! Algae! Algae.Copy !req
304. You know... A kind of plankton.Copy !req
305. Yes, the single cell plants live
across the surface of the Earth's
oceans and generate far more oxygenCopy !req
306. than trees.
Some scientists say up to 90%.Copy !req
307. I've got it in my pond,
I'm getting rid of it! No!Copy !req
308. Think how many people you'll kill!Copy !req
309. You may as well go round
with a pillow and clamp them to
old ladies' faces. You bastard!Copy !req
310. Mature trees, by comparison,
use more oxygen than they produce.Copy !req
311. Where is the driest place on Earth?Copy !req
312. Yes. The Sahara Desert. Oh, my God!Copy !req
313. Minus 20 points for the Sahara.
Bless you, Alan, no.Copy !req
314. It's a couple of counties in
North Wales. Especially on a Sunday.Copy !req
315. You can't get a drink. Australia!Copy !req
316. No. You didn't say the Atacama
Desert in Chile, where
it hasn't rained for 400 years,Copy !req
317. but there is somewhere drier.Copy !req
318. The moon! No, on Earth!Copy !req
319. You'll be right one day, when that
moon comes crashing down...Copy !req
320. That moon, that's... dry. So dry.Copy !req
321. It's called the Dry Valleys
Region... Doritos! The Dry Valleys.Copy !req
322. And the continent has come up in
discussion... Australia! Pringle!Copy !req
323. Antarctica!Copy !req
324. Antarctica, thank you very much!
Isn't that surprising?Copy !req
325. I'd like to give you 10 marks
for that cos that's interesting.Copy !req
326. Thank you so much!Copy !req
327. How can that be dry,
because that snow there...?Copy !req
328. I'll tell you. The average rainfall
is less than two inches.Copy !req
329. That's the same as the Sahara.Copy !req
330. But it contains coastal valleys
that are free from ice and snow,Copy !req
331. which haven't seen rain
for two million years.Copy !req
332. It's a long way clear
of the Atacama,Copy !req
333. which hasn't had rain for 400 years.Copy !req
334. The Sahara is lush
by comparison, Alan.Copy !req
335. "Lush" is often shouted at you!
I'll shout it again!Copy !req
336. Has there been a rain-catching
thing there for two million years,Copy !req
337. and Michael Fish checking it?Copy !req
338. Nothing!Copy !req
339. They put cores in to check.Copy !req
340. It gets 250 times as much rain
as the Atacama.Copy !req
341. Antarctica is not only
the coldest place on Earth,Copy !req
342. but it also lays claim to being
both the wettest and the windiest.Copy !req
343. 70% of the world's water
is found there.Copy !req
344. Its wind speeds
are the fastest on Earth.Copy !req
345. Now, how long is a day in hours?Copy !req
346. Oh no!Copy !req
347. Don't do it, Alan!Copy !req
348. Don't say it!
There's no "B" in a day.Copy !req
349. Less or more than 24 hours!Copy !req
350. Correct! It is absolutely spot on!Copy !req
351. 15 points.Copy !req
352. A single rotation of the Earth
is never exactly 24 hours long.Copy !req
353. Of course not! It varies slightly
every day. It can be
as much as 50 seconds longer.Copy !req
354. Or, as you rightly said, shorter.Copy !req
355. Even averaged across a year, a day
is not 24 hours on an atomic clock.Copy !req
356. The gravitational pull of the moonCopy !req
357. alters the Earth's rotational axis.Copy !req
358. Time is added on and it goes
out of sync with the atomic clock.Copy !req
359. The International Earth
Rotation Service dictates
when seconds are added to time.Copy !req
360. There is indeed a leap second.Copy !req
361. I'll give you five points.
It's interesting.Copy !req
362. Let's have a look at the scores.Copy !req
363. I haven't got any! Shush your mouth
at once, will you, Clive?Copy !req
364. Let's start at the bottom.
With minus 20, it's Alan Davies.Copy !req
365. Thank you very much.Copy !req
366. In third place, with ten points,
Bill Bailey.Copy !req
367. In second place, with 19 points,
it's Meera Syal.Copy !req
368. I didn't...Copy !req
369. So, Mr I Have No Points,
Clive Anderson,Copy !req
370. is the winner,Copy !req
371. with 26 QI points.Copy !req
372. That's it from QI this week.
Thank you very much to our guests.Copy !req
373. In an evening when we've discovered
Andersons are not always annoying,Copy !req
374. I ask you to give your verdict
on this thought of Rita Mae Brown's.Copy !req
375. If the world were a logical place,
then men would ride side saddle.Copy !req