QI 1x2

1. Hello and welcome to QI,

2. the BBC's answer to a question that no-one has ever asked.

3. Tonight I'm delighted to be joined by the wittiest, best-looking,

4. and best informed audience in TV.

5. And we also have a panel:

6. Alan Davies, Jeremy Hardy,

7. Rich Hall and Bill Bailey.

8. Each of them has a distinctive attack call. Rich goes...

9. Jeremy goes...

10. Bill goes...

11. Alan goes...

12. And I've been before I came. The rules are simple,

13. the questions are unfair and so am I. A correct answer gets fewer marks than an interesting one.

14. And a boring answer is penalised more than a wrong one. You'll pick it up as we go along.

15. Now, our first round is called animal aggression.

16. It's interesting and not particularly frightening.

17. Since 1580 when records began,

18. the total number of attacks on humans by sharks has been logged at 2,200 only.

19. This is equivalent to just 5% of the number of Americans injured by toilets in the year 1996.

20. I apologise to my mother for using the word "toilet". She prefers "lavatories".

21. This latter statistic we know exactly.

22. According to the official figures

23. it was 43,687 Americans injured by lavatories.

24. The lavatories didn't attack them? The statistics don't say.

25. They may have done. Are lavatories aggressive in America? No.

26. "When Lavatories Attack!" on Channel Five.

27. This is a false statement, making America look like a violent place

28. when in fact these people fell on the toilets, they hit their head, but the toilets did not attack.

29. I nearly injured myself the other day. Oh yes?

30. I was standing... That's not so interesting.

31. I was standing at the urinal and it was so high I had to tiptoe

32. and I nearly pulled a muscle in the hamstring area.

33. It must've been a lanky plumber

34. who put it up. You were in the giant's toilet then. Must've been.

35. Might've been a fountain.

36. It was a font in a church. It was outdoors... I wasn't weeing in a font - I resent that image.

37. I baptise this... Oi! Stop that! That's disgusting.

38. Almost time to come to the first question, you might agree.

39. If you heard the sound of "fuffing",

40. what would you expect to be savaged by?

41. I just wanna say that it's 9pm.

42. Fuffing, er...

43. Fuffing is a Yiddish word for... they have fuffers in porn films...

44. to get the actors erect, so you'd expect a Hasidic Jew porn star to jump on you.

45. No.

46. Bill.

47. Fuffing? Well, you're nearly there.

48. But fuffers are small creatures... Fuff-fuff-fuff...

49. .. used to fuff in porn films.

50. Yeah.

51. Instead of human fuffers, they have tiny, mad marsupials that just titillate the genitals.

52. For the Animal Planet Channel.

53. "When Animals Mate." The Adult Discovery Channel? Yeah, they have to get the animals worked up.

54. Is fuff-fuff-fuff the noise the animal makes when it moves?

55. It's descriptive of the noise the animal makes when attacking. A lion with a harelip. A snake.

56. Not a snake.

57. Actually the answer is it's either a tiger or a weasel.

58. Tigers never roar before attacking, no matter what the movies may say.

59. Unlike lions, tigers are solitary animals who come together only when mating.

60. Tigers only roar to tell other tigers where they are. To where the Frosties are. Exactly.

61. If you're having your Frosties and you hear "fuff-fuff-fuff", you're eating Tony's Frosties.

62. F-f-frosties! Fuff-fuff-frosties indeed.

63. It could be a tiger OR a weasel? A weasel also fuffs.

64. People think the weasel is a kin to the stoat or the polecat but it's actually a huge prairie cat.

65. They are stoatily different.

66. It's absolutely unacceptable, I'm sorry.

67. The weasel's some kind of bonsai tiger? I don't think you're right.

68. They're adopted and one day the tiger has to break it to the weasel.

69. "We're not your real mum and dad."

70. "Aagh! No wonder I'm so mad! Fuff-fuff-fuff-fuff!"

71. "Don't you fuff-fuff-fuff like that! You're only a weasel."

72. You couldn't get a tiger up your trousers even if you were a Northerner. If you had big trousers!

73. Yeah... Or a tiny little tiger.

74. The national symbol of Croatia is the weasel. Is that correct?

75. If you promise me that's true I might give you five points. It is.

76. Croatia has a weasel... All the other ones had gone.

77. The lion's gone... "What have we got left? Weasel! Oh well..."

78. I like that. Now would you consider undressing for the benefit of a hungry polar bear?

79. It's now 9.15.

80. Yes, you would undress for a polar bear because, um...

81. polar bears don't like... the taste of human flesh.

82. But they would steal your clothes to get into a restaurant.

83. You're oddly close to the truth.

84. They are easily distracted... Why don't you say, "Look at that!"

85. No, this is a common mistake.

86. Only humans follow the line of the finger. Animals look at the finger.

87. If you point at something, the dog won't go, "What's he looking at?", he'll look at your finger

88. You back away slowly offering clothes and it stops, apparently,

89. with each piece of clothing... Once you've taken your panties off...

90. It wants to sniff your scanties. Then you die of exposure. Yes.

91. Precisely the place you'd meet a polar bear, and the least warm.

92. I know something about polar bears - they don't have white fur.

93. Well, you'd better look behind you, pal.

94. I'm ready for you.

95. Come on. They have clear follicles but because they reflect the snow,

96. they come across as white.

97. But he's on a rock and he's white, what's happening there?

98. Just near him is something really white.

99. Like a white van with all the food in... That's not a polar bear behind you. It's a weasel.

100. They are beautiful animals.

101. You must admit they are beautiful. I'd tell one he was beautiful if he came near...

102. The point we're making about polar bears is they can run at 30mph and you shouldn't run away from them.

103. Or attack them, or stand still as you might if you met a gorilla.

104. That's why you should always be with a friend.

105. You don't need to outrun the polar bear - just outrun your friend.

106. Very good. Cynical but excellent.

107. Now, our third question in the animal aggression category.

108. Which of these would you defend yourself against an alligator with?

109. A) Paperclip,

110. B) Crocodile clip,

111. C) Paper bag,

112. D) Handbag, E) Rubber band.

113. I'm an expert as I grew up in the swamps of New Orleans. Oh, tell me.

114. To defend yourself against the alligator - meaning it's litigious -

115. and is going to sue you because you're wearing his mom on your feet,

116. there's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court

117. against an alligator. You'll need a paperclip for that.

118. Is that where "allegation" comes from? Yes. Very good.

119. However...

120. You might need a paper bag

121. because alligators taunt you before they attack you

122. and like a boxer they will hold a press conference

123. and they'll say, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy."

124. Then you'll have to prove that you can in order to fight the alligator.

125. Ingenious and so wrong. Any thoughts?

126. Inflate the paper bag. Bang! Like that, like a gun.

127. And the alligator loses all confidence.

128. It's possible. It's possible.

129. It starts to back away like that,

130. then you get the handbag and ram it over his snout like that,

131. then put the clips on his nipples.

132. You almost flirted with the answer there, Bill, when you talked about putting the handbag over its jaws.

133. He also said alligators had nipples. Yes, we have to pull you up on your nipples there.

134. Alligators are not mammals.

135. Haven't you ever milked an alligator? No, no-one has and if you think you have you have problems.

136. If you had a really big crocodile clip, you could clamp its jaws shut.

137. Well, this is the interesting thing.

138. Alligators and crocodiles, despite their fearsomeness, will be rendered pretty much hopeless

139. if you pop a rubber band round them.

140. The muscles that close the jaws of an alligator amount to several tonnes per square inch,

141. but the muscles that open them are so weak they can be rendered silly

142. by popping a small elastic band over its mouth before it opens it.

143. Yes, that's all you'd have to do

144. Why can all aquatic vicious beasts be subdued by something simple.

145. Like sharks - you punch them stoutly on the nose. In their habitat,

146. the ability to punch stoutly on the nose don't exist. There's no stout-punching fish in the ocean.

147. There is no rubber band bird in the Everglades.

148. I think we have to move on from there.

149. Don't forget human beings are also animals - and the most aggressive,

150. as evidenced by this cutting from the Daily Telegraph.

151. "Police rushed to rescue a horse in Surrey after someone saw it

152. "tied to a post so short the horse couldn't reach to chew the grass.

153. "It had one ear and was missing a back leg. It was also made of wood and an advert for a riding school."

154. Now, according to Douglas Adams's book, the Restaurant At The End Of The Universe,

155. there is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers what the universe is for and why it is here,

156. it will disappear and be replaced by something even more inexplicable.

157. There is another theory which states this has already happened.

158. Let's see how you feel about that after this round on astronomy.

159. How many moons does the Earth have?

160. The Earth has one moon, made of cheese.

161. You lose ten. But it does have one moon. No.

162. It's called "the moon". One of them.

163. I rest my case.

164. I can understand you'd feel hard done by but the answer is there are two moons - there's the one we know.

165. The other is Cruithne, it's three miles across and orbits the world every 770 years. Are you lying?

166. Cruithne? Cruithne, yes. Who comes up with this shit?

167. So you're telling me there's a second moon? I am.

168. "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone"... not with a small friend.

169. Why is there not one romantic song with the word Cruithne in it?

170. "Blue Cruithne Of Kentucky" or "Cruithne River"?

171. No-one can see it... Because it was discovered in 199... BLEEP ..4!

172. Oh my God!

173. Nine years to write a romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in!

174. No romantic songs have been written in the last nine years!

175. Bryan Adams wrote one!

176. Oh, please! Everything I Do, I Do It For Cruithne?

177. It's a challenge to all of you songwriters out there.

178. Find a rhyme for Cruithne. Come with me.

179. Fly me to Cruithne. Let me sing amongst the stars.

180. Will you miss me? Don't go to Disneyland, go to Cruithne...

181. Don't diss me, on Cruithne!

182. No, not white middle-class rapping! Wahey!

183. Don't do that, please.

184. No. So embarrassing!

185. We have late breaking news.

186. Cruithne is pronounced "Cruigne" and is Celtic.

187. Its orbit was discovered in 1997.

188. There you are. People have been busy on our behalf on the internet and elsewhere.

189. Now, next question -

190. where is 90% of the universe?

191. Ikea!

192. Very good.

193. Five for that. Ikea doesn't have any windows.

194. They don't sell windows, even.

195. They have no windows, so you can't see out,

196. so you don't sense time passing.

197. You don't know what time you went in. You could be there for weeks!

198. Is that true? Yeah. If your body doesn't have access to natural passing of light...

199. You buy spoons. I was told that all their products are named.

200. Not "Chair", but "Neville" or "Paul".

201. You'd like it. They're all strange names like "Lublik" and "Lunbar".

202. What is there about me that makes you think I'd like...?

203. You like funny, odd words. I do.

204. Like Cruithne.

205. Where is 90% of the...? Outside!

206. Outside the building!

207. The universe is saddle-shaped. It's on a horse.

208. The other 10% is attachments.

209. Nosebags? Yeah.

210. There's some truth in that. Stephen Hawking thinks it's saddle-shaped.

211. He seems to think that it could be at two points.

212. You thought Rich was weird, but he was making sense.

213. He is weird too. Don't tell 'em I'm BLEEP weird!

214. I'm doing my best on this show that gives no BLEEP cars when you get points.

215. Now you're telling 'em I'm weird. I'm saying you're not weird.

216. I'm not the one saying there's a second moon!

217. It depends on what you mean, because I would think...

218. that most of the universe isn't anything, it's a vacuum.

219. There are bits of the universe, like stars and matter and gas...

220. But the gaps in between are bigger? The gaps... 90% of it is nothing.

221. The gaps do count, but you're on the right lines.

222. The answer is that no-one knows where 90% of the universe is.

223. Astronomers say 90% of the universe is made of dark matter.

224. No-one knows where it is.

225. The Astronomer Royal has said, "It's embarrassing that 90% of the universe is unaccounted for."

226. You're basing this on what Stephen Hawking says.

227. The fact is he's subject to interference from minicabs.

228. Oh!

229. I want to rescue this show from accusations of sickness.

230. What colour is the universe?

231. Magnolia.

232. Everything's magnolia these days! It's very spacious.

233. So you want a light colour, but not too overpowering.

234. Maybe a dark ceiling, to bring it in a bit.

235. The universe is deceptive -

236. from the outside, if you're God, it looks small,

237. but it's very spacious with plenty of storage.

238. You're very close.

239. It's not quite magnolia. Beige. Absolutely right! Ten points.

240. Brilliant.

241. What?

242. Not to the naked eye, though. No, I agree.

243. Last year, after analysing the light from 200,000 galaxies,

244. scientists announced the universe was pale green.

245. Not black with silvery bits, as it appears to us.

246. Taking the Dulux paint range as a standard,

247. it's between Mexican Mint, Jade Cluster and Shangri-La Silk.

248. However to the embarrassment of the US scientists,

249. a few weeks after announcing their discovery,

250. they had to admit they'd made a mistake

251. and the universe was more a sort of taupe or beige.

252. I thought it was more Gay Whisper with a touch of Amber Glow.

253. My pancake colour is called Gay Whisper.

254. It's true. Gay Whisper.

255. Is gay whispers like Chinese whispers?

256. Only more fun!

257. We have another question, for a bonus of ten. Fingers on buzzers.

258. How many planets are in the solar system?

259. Nine.

260. Once again!

261. Not the right answer. It's another forfeit of ten.

262. I'm afraid the answer is eight. I'll write them down, you carry on.

263. Mars! Yes, Mars is one.

264. Pluto. No.

265. Here we go again! Pluto's a planet! Goofy!

266. It's the most recent planet to be discovered.

267. It was discovered by Clive Tombaugh in 1930.

268. It's a collection of gases, it's not actually a planet.

269. By no criterion could Pluto be said to be a planet.

270. It's big and it goes round the sun!

271. It's not really big, it's tiny.

272. Don't be hard on it cos it's small!

273. There are many others which are not classified as planets.

274. I watched an entire BBC series... called The Planets.

275. It banged on about there being nine.

276. There was a great movement afoot to discover the ninth planet.

277. Hubble predicted there would be nine and Clive Tombaugh discovered Pluto, claiming it was a planet.

278. Almost everyone now agrees it isn't. What is it then?

279. It's a tiny ball of ice.

280. There are the solid planets, like Mars and Venus...

281. But they're not solid,

282. because Uranus is known as one of the "gas giants".

283. There are four earth ones and four gas ones.

284. But Pluto is neither.

285. If Pluto can be said to be a planet, so can asteroids - minor planets.

286. In the year 2000, there were 71,788 of these.

287. Pluto is only twice as big as the largest of these, which is Ceres.

288. It's not only much tinier than the other planets...

289. Is there a rest stop between you and the end of this taping?

290. We are going to close this round on astronomy

291. with a story about William James, the American philosopher, brother of Henry James.

292. He's just finished a lecture when he was approached by an old lady.

293. "Mr James, we don't live on a ball rotating around the sun.

294. "We live on a crust of earth on the back of a giant turtle."

295. James asked patiently, "If your theory is correct, madam,

296. "what does this turtle stand on?"

297. "The first turtle stands on the back of a larger turtle," she snorted derisively.

298. "But what does this second turtle stand on?"

299. "It's no use, Mr James," she crowed triumphantly. "It's turtles all the way down."

300. See, this is why America has a space programme.

301. Terry Pratchett... Brits think we stand on the backs of turtles, with these weird moons.

302. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but they were both American.

303. Yes, and then his brother Jesse shot her.

304. We've come to the last round.

305. It's not QI - quite interesting, but GI - general ignorance.

306. Fingers on the buzzers for this one.

307. What is the name of the capital city of Thailand?

308. Bangkok.

309. No, I'll tell you the answer.

310. The answer is in fact Krung Thep, meaning "city of angels", like Los Angeles.

311. It's an abbreviation for the official name.

312. Only foreigners call it Bangkok, which hasn't been used as a name for the city for 200 years.

313. Pluto and Bangkok don't exist!

314. I'm scared to go out!

315. To the nearest thousand, how many brides walked down the aisle in Britain last year?

316. Is that a clue? Cos there's ten.

317. No, it's not.

318. Mr Cheerful?

319. When you say turtle after turtle, after turtle...

320. what is the last one standing on?

321. That's the point of the anecdote. That's what William James said.

322. The woman said, "It's turtles all the way down."

323. She believed it was an infinite number.

324. It's a trick question. What is the aisle? The path in the middle.

325. No, that's the odd thing. It isn't.

326. It's the sides. The long part is the central passage way.

327. No-one walks up it! "I'll take her down the central passage way!"

328. Not "I'll take her down the aisle."

329. I always take her up the apse.

330. The area off each side. No, the apse is behind the altar.

331. It's the rounded... Only rounded...

332. It seemed like the apse.

333. Excellent. Good, good, good.

334. What flavour is the oldest known soup?

335. Jeremy, first on the buzzer? Cream of plesiosaur.

336. Lovely thought. Stone.

337. Stone soup!

338. That's why we're superior to the animal kingdom -

339. we're the only ones to make soup.

340. A lion will kill a gazelle and eat it all.

341. Gazelle all gone, oh dear.

342. We'd kill the gazelle, get the bones and make some soup.

343. If lions could make soup, our days would be numbered.

344. No. The answer is actually hippopotamus.

345. Hippopotamus.

346. The oldest recorded soup in history is hippopotamus. Well, now...

347. What man-made artefacts can be seen from the moon with the naked eye?

348. Someone said it in the audience. Great Wall of China.

349. Oh, you've done it again!

350. Yes? Which moon are we talking about?

351. Oh!

352. Rich Hall, I think I love you!

353. It is a damn good... You've got to have ten for that!

354. The fact is nothing man-made can be seen from the moon. Why?

355. It's too far away. Continents are hard to make out.

356. I think, gentlemen, that it is time for our final scores.

357. Here they are. In first equal position it's...

358. .. Jeremy and Rich with 20 each.

359. In third place, it's Bill with five, but sadly...

360. trailing a little with -30 points, it's Alan!

361. Thank you very much. It remains for me to thank

362. Bill, Alan, Rich and Jeremy for sharing their pain.

363. Here's something quite interesting to finish from the court report in the Guardian.

364. "The marriage suffered a setback in 1985, when the husband was killed by the wife."

365. Good night.