QI 1x10

1. Hello and welcome to QI, where fools rush in

2. and angels suddenly remember a prior engagement.

3. I'm delighted to welcome four people who make the three wise monkeys seem like a better bet.

4. Rich Hall, Julia Morris,

5. Peter Serafinowicz and Alan Davies.

6. And unlike the monkeys, all our contestants are willing and able

7. to make a noise. Rich goes... DING-DONG!

8. Julia goes... CHOO-CHOO!

9. Peter goes... WAA-WAA!

10. Alan goes...

11. And I go...

12. like a belt-fed mortar.

13. Rules are simple. Points are given and taken away.

14. They're taken away for answers that are obvious and wrong and they're given for being interesting.

15. The level of interestingness is determined

16. by demographically selected focus groups broken down by age and sex,

17. ie - me.

18. Because there is no-one more broken down by age and sex than me.

19. So, aviation. In the words of JF Kennedy,

20. "All men can fly, but sadly, only in one direction."

21. For those of you nervous of flying, here's something interesting.

22. Nobody really understands why aircraft stay up in the air.

23. There are five leading theories of aerodynamics, none of which precisely agrees with any other.

24. But, it doesn't matter. Automatic control systems on modern aircraft

25. are so sophisticated, it's said that by 2010,

26. today's flight deck crew of three will be replaced by a single human pilot and a dog.

27. The pilot's job will be to feed the dog.

28. The dog is there to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

29. Fingers on the buzzers, please, to start this round

30. on air travel.

31. So, who invented the aeroplane?

32. Orville and Wilbur Wright.

33. Oh, I'm sorry to say... I'm very sorry to say...

34. that that's the wrong answer. Is it the Wrong brothers?

35. It's not the Wrong brothers, thank you, Peter.

36. John Stringfellow of Chard flew the first engine-powered plane in 1848.

37. It was a model plane but it was a plane and it went quite a long way.

38. The Wright brothers, from your lovely United States of... so on...

39. They flew for less than 12 seconds, a journey that actually

40. would have covered less than half the wing span of a Boeing jumbo jet.

41. What about the hot air balloon?

42. I think it's usually ceded to the Montgolfier brothers, isn't it?

43. I would think that was before the plane. It was, in the 18th century.

44. Didn't the Chinese invent the hot air balloon in about 6..? Stop harping on about the Wrong brothers.

45. The Chinese invented lots of things and we may come to some of them.

46. Darts. Darts. Football. And, of course, china.

47. It sounds odd but it's true.

48. What struck me was that he was from a place called Chard. Chard. Yeah.

49. It sounds like the kind of town you'd wanna get away from.

50. Yes. He did move away to the village of Badly Burned in Dorset.

51. Let's here it for good old Stringfellow then.

52. The next question is why would anyone have mad, bad, fat, sad old git on their luggage?

53. Yeah? They would have a very dodgy travel agent.

54. A rude travel agent.

55. Who would have been trying to get them from Madrid via, um...

56. Baden-Baden...

57. I'll give you five for getting the thrust of it,

58. as the answer is they are all airport luggage codes,

59. so they would have visited Madrid

60. Bossier City, Louisiana - BAD. It's pronounced "Bo-sier".

61. Bo-sier? I beg its insignificant pardon.

62. They all talk like, "Yeah... Mm-Hmmm."

63. They've got their own... Oh, yeah. They're right, "Mm-hmmm."

64. It's hard to imagine someone in Bossier becoming a professor of fine arts.

65. You wouldn't see that. It is an odd thing but if you wanted to talk about Watteau or...

66. Water? Yeah, they talk about water.

67. You wouldn't believe someone, would you, saying... "I think he was a fabulous painter."

68. You just wouldn't buy it, would you?

69. It's hard to have credibility in the South unless you do anything other than play a washboard with spoons.

70. Which is an art in itself.

71. So, Fresno, California is FAT for some odd reason.

72. And Safford, Arizona is SAD, S-A-D.

73. Old Town, Maine is OLD.

74. And Geita, Tanzania is GIT.

75. There are almost 19,500 airports around the world,

76. and every one of them has one of these three letter luggage codes.

77. So, the short code for Butler, Missouri is BUM.

78. Sioux City is SUX.

79. And I hesitate to mention Fukuoka in Japan...

80. I can actually as it's not what you think. It's actually FUK.

81. Julia, what are Madonna's plans for the prettiest airport in the world?

82. Oh, my God!

83. The story is she goes to the airport then she meets a baggage handler.

84. She's wealthy, he's poor and he think she's a bit cross.

85. Something happens and they're stranded together in the baggage,

86. then she falls in love with him and decides she wants to make the airport the prettiest in the world.

87. And then it went straight to video because Guy directed it.

88. Guy who could, in his own way, be called a baggage handler.

89. I'll tell you the answer. She's about to buy it and shut it down.

90. Compton Abbas airfield in Dorset.

91. It's high on the rolling grasslands of Cranbourne Chase,

92. an area of outstanding natural beauty. It's Madonna's weekend home.

93. It'll be disturbing her shooting birds.

94. The uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadow's putting her off.

95. We know what her airline would be called.

96. Like A Virgin Airways.

97. Sorry. I'm just showing off that I've heard of a pop song, and I'm very excited!

98. So, moving on, the largest aircraft carrier in the world is the USS Abraham Lincoln.

99. Its deck is four-and-a-half acres. It's the world's largest vehicle.

100. What is name of the world's smallest aircraft carrier?

101. Is it called the HMS?

102. Are you trying to get your own back?

103. There's nothing clever about large aircraft carriers. Not at all.

104. America makes things that are very big. Which nation makes things that are very, very small?

105. Japanesey! Japanese, right.

106. Thank you, yes. I apologise to everybody Japanese watching.

107. Any thoughts? It's...

108. A bonsai carrier? If you like.

109. A tiny, tiny little bonsai carrier.

110. Nihongo hanashimasu. Watashi wa Julia chan. Wa shigoto a Hokkaido desu ne.

111. Well, that's gotta be worth five points!

112. Can you tell us what that means?

113. My name's Julia and I used to work on the northern island, Hokkaido.

114. Very good indeed.

115. Good milk!

116. Really good milk cos they've got great grass on the northern island.

117. The cows are getting no credit there at all. I know.

118. "We're doing all the work here" "No, it's the grass."Oh, please?"

119. "Really? As if I'm not involved!"

120. I thought one thing the Japanese found repulsive about us was that we smelt of dairy products.

121. We thought they smelt of fish and they thought we smelt of sour milk.

122. We don't smell it cos we're used to the smell

123. of curds and things. Yeah, now I can see what you mean.

124. It's the Mitsubishi Shogun, as it's known in this country,

125. though worldwide it's known as the Pajero, accept in Spain as pajero means "One who plays with himself."

126. He looks like a pajero in the seat up there.

127. Even as we speak, he's...

128. He's going, "This joystick is incredibly close to my genitalia."

129. Oh, dear.

130. He'll never get out of there, will he?

131. He'll have to get some butter in. Then we'll have the last laugh.

132. He will smell of dairy products.

133. It doesn't float but it has a twin engine. It's a one-man stunt plane

134. and it can take off from its specially adapted roof by catapult.

135. It was first demonstrated by Tim Senior of the BRITISH

136. aerosuperbatics team in 1997.

137. Superbatics? Superbatics, yes.

138. Superbatics. It's better than any other batics.

139. Ne-e-e-e-e-e-e! Ne-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!

140. Lastly, was it a good idea for airlines to ban smoking?

141. Yeah, it probably was. Why would you say that?

142. You know... they stunk up the place.

143. No, that's not true.

144. Although they probably would be doing better financially

145. if they hadn't banned smoking. That's not true neither.

146. Well, what the BLEEP do I know?

147. I don't even know why you're talking to me.

148. I have nipples, Steve. Can you milk me?

149. Was it a bad idea?

150. It was almost certainly a bad idea.

151. It was a lousy idea as when smoking was allowed, cabin air was replaced with fresh air every three minutes.

152. Now the airlines save money, they save up to 6% of their fuel bills,

153. by using a mixture of fresh and recycled air using half the amount of fresh air needed for comfort,

154. increasing the carbon dioxide causing dizziness and nausea

155. and allowing viruses to thrive. Passengers think the air is fresher

156. but it is not so. It has dramatically increased the number of air rage incidents.

157. One incident involved a first class passenger probably trying to take his mind of cigarettes by drinking.

158. He was refused another drink and chose to lodge his displeasure. He shat on the food trolley.

159. This why I was a little sharp with you, as on a financial level they've actually made money,

160. but it's a bad idea as the health of the passengers suffers hugely

161. as a result of this.

162. Allow smoking. The air gets cleaned better and people are in good moods.

163. Then your taste buds are shot so you can eat shit for food.

164. I'd urge you to follow this advice on the subject of airline meals.

165. "Anything that's white is sweet, anything that's brown is meat,

166. "Anything that's grey, don't eat."

167. QI claims that even the dullest things can be quite interesting.

168. We take the challenge seriously enough to dedicate the next round to "Alans."

169. Not only dull, but quite possible obsolete.

170. Alan was the eighth most popular male name in England in 1944,

171. but crashed...

172. .. out of the top 100 four years ago and shows no sign of returning.

173. Is it because people have realised that it's an anagram of anal?

174. Alan, I should ask you. Where do most of the world's Alans hang out?

175. Live.

176. Where is Alan the most popular name? If you like, yes.

177. Yes! Very good.

178. That's gotta be worth five of somebody's points.

179. I bought a CD the other day by somebody called Alana Davies,

180. just cos it looked a bit like my name. Sweet. Isn't that pathetic?

181. There's Alanis Morissette. I bought that as well.

182. "Alan is morris-ette."

183. Morris set with a tiny dancer.

184. Little hankies.

185. I would think, Alan means... rock...

186. ..in, um, Celtic mythology. Very good.

187. It's somewhere like Scotland. Or Wales. Or Ireland, or England.

188. No, you'd think that.

189. I'll give you some points for knowing that Alan is a Celtic word for a pebble or rock,

190. as that is... Rock! Not a pebble!

191. Possibly a boulder.

192. Not a pebble. In my book of dull names it says,

193. Alan... Well, I think you'll find that when they invented the name "Alan", it was a boulder,

194. and over time,

195. it's been worn down. Perhaps now it's a little pebble.

196. But a beautiful pebble that would skim well across a flat surface.

197. I'll tell you. You do get your points though. Hoo-hoo!

198. You'll actually find most of them on the Russian border in the northern Caucasus mountains,

199. where the Alan tribe have lived since being driven there by the Huns in the fourth century.

200. That was a bad weekend. There's still talk about that.

201. You and Alan Coren and Alan Bennett.

202. We get together. We conference call.

203. And if someone mentions the Huns there's a lull in the conversation and we have to gather ourselves.

204. The Alans were master horsemen who introduced chivalry to Europe

205. and may have inspired the stories of King Arthur and his knights.

206. The great Pliny the Elder, who I know is a source of constant mental nourishment to you, Alan.

207. He takes a very different view, firmly telling us that, "Alans are a race of bastard degenerates."

208. He doesn't know anything at all.

209. But I have to come clean myself.

210. If Alans are attacked, I'll be there too, as my father is an Alan.

211. So there's a little bit of Alan in me. Is there any Alan in you? No.

212. Do you want some?

213. My name means... It means wealthy, opulent, with money.

214. No. Doesn't Rich mean that?

215. No, it doesn't at all, Steve!

216. It means aquarium gravel.

217. Peter means rock. The rock on which the church of our Lord was built.

218. How can all these names mean rock?

219. When humans first arose, there wasn't much to name things after.

220. There was big rock, middle rock, little rock. Pebble. Grit.

221. This is interesting and I think it's right.

222. You're saying that Alan means rock or pebble, and there are two other words I can think of that mean that.

223. Calculus, I think, means literally "pebble",

224. and pessary as well, I think.

225. Who are you that you know that? Well, calculus is... Is adding with pebbles.

226. It's pebbles on abacuses and back and forth in counting.

227. We're only 200 years old in my country. We missed some stuff.

228. They were also described by Pliny

229. as a race of bastard degenerates and Edgar Allan Poe,

230. well, he's an example really. He married his 13-year-old cousin.

231. He indulged in drinking sprees that made Liam Gallagher look like Ned Flanders.

232. And he died literally in a gutter in Baltimore in 1842.

233. Yet he was also, like so many Alans, a truly prophetic genius.

234. Two years before he died he wrote a long prose poem called Eureka,

235. anticipating one of the greatest discoveries of the 20th century by 80 years. What was it?

236. He married his 13 year old cousin and lived a life of drinking.

237. So... he predicted Jerry Lee Lewis' career.

238. Right. He foresaw it in a prose poem.

239. It was called Great Balls Of Fire.

240. Stick to Great Balls Of Fire. A meteor. No. Cigarettes.

241. What's THE theory? THE theory? Relativity.

242. The big-bang. Thank you. I'll give you a point.

243. Poe believed all matter was once concentrated into a single particle,

244. a theory not accepted by science till 1931.

245. He also predicts the theory of relativity

246. and the structure of the atom.

247. Pretty good for a poem that doesn't even rhyme!

248. You know the word "rhyme"? There's no word that rhymes with it.

249. Lime! Time! Apart from those two!

250. Slime! Three! Rhyme. Orange!

251. Hey!

252. If I was a Cajun man, I'd have oranges and doranges.

253. What would they mean by "dorange"? Door hinge! Door hinge?

254. Two points for you.

255. Young girls and the expanding universe are obsessions of Alan Stewart Konigsberg.

256. Better known as... Woody Allen. Yes!

257. Half a point for knowing Woody Allen's real name. A fragment of a point!

258. A fragment!

259. A pebble. An "Alan" of a point!

260. Woody Allen is not the Alan with the worst reputation in Hollywood. Who is?

261. The Alan with the worst reputation?

262. Um, it's Alan Big Al Allenson.

263. He was so taken by his Celtic background

264. that he killed a lot of people with rocks!

265. Would it help if I told you his name?

266. Yeah?

267. Is it Alan Smithy? Yes! Ten points.

268. Very good. What's he done? Peter, explain.

269. When a director directs a film, and say the studio interfere and they re-edit it,

270. and the director disowns the film, they can choose to put "Alan Smithy".

271. Absolutely right, yeah.

272. Alan Smithy is the name used when directors disown a film

273. because it's too awful to admit to.

274. Smithy's oeuvre includes Hobgoblins 2,

275. Boggy Creek 3, Hellraiser 4

276. and most famously, Dune, where he co-directed with David Lynch.

277. How did you know about that? Tony Kaye tried to do that...

278. With American History X. Yeah.

279. I never saw American History X because I missed the first nine!

280. Oh, you literate fellow!

281. Now, The Boy On A Dolphin isn't a Smithy film, but it did star...

282. Alan Ladd. Yes. Another half point to take you up to a full point!

283. Sophia Loren was in it. Very good. What can you tell me about...?

284. I've seen it. What can you tell me about the making of the film?

285. There's no actual dolphins or boys. No.

286. It's... He's really short.

287. Correct. He stands on a box or she had to dig a trench. Five to you.

288. She had to stand and walk about in a trench.

289. The thing about Alan Ladd, he was 4'3",

290. but it was his legs that were short.

291. His trunk was normal. When he sat, he was taller than other people.

292. Is that true? Yeah. When he stood, they had to put him on a crate.

293. You never know with you, that's what's so worrying! It's absolutely true.

294. Alan Ladd said that working with Sophia Loren

295. was like being bombarded with watermelons!

296. Fffb-fffb-fffb!

297. For the sake of those who hadn't got that image!

298. Woody Allen once said sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful,

299. provided you get between the right man and woman!

300. Lastly on this subject, what would you do with a pair of Alans?

301. An Australian should know this as it's a way of speaking you share with London.

302. Alan Whickers. Knickers.

303. We haven't heard that one. We call them Reg Grundys - undies!

304. Perfect! Here's a quite interesting thing about rhyming slang.

305. I heard someone in a London market saying, "I'm not Listerine."

306. I said, "What do you mean?"

307. Listerine is an example of a rhyming slang that's moved on one.

308. An American in rhyming slang is a septic - septic tank, Yank.

309. If you don't like Americans, you're antiseptic,

310. and if you're antiseptic, you're Listerine, you see?

311. In the same way, you can have a rubber Gregory. Do you know what that is?

312. Gregory Peck. So...? Rubber neck? It's a cheque that bounces.

313. A Gregory Peck is a cheque, so if your cheque bounces,

314. "He gave me a rubber Gregory!"

315. Do you like my earthy street London accent?

316. He sounds such an idiot!

317. In the right hands,

318. even a two-syllable name can be made as frisky as a gay ferret in a pink blender!

319. I leave you with Alan Bennett,

320. who when asked if he was gay replied,

321. That's like asking a man crawling across the Sahara

322. if he'd prefer Perrier or Malvern.

323. Our final round is a dazzlingly dispirited display of general ignorance.

324. Fingers hovering over your buzzers, please.

325. Let's give Alan a run for his money.

326. Who first circumnavigated the globe?

327. Magellan.

328. What have I done? Magellan is the howler, I'm afraid.

329. What do you mean, "No"? He wasn't.

330. Magellan was killed in the Philippines halfway round.

331. His ship was the first to. It was his second-in-command, Juan Sebastian del Cano.

332. I don't suppose they'll rename the the Magellan Straits.

333. So, what was the nationality of the inventor of the helicopter?

334. British. No.

335. Italian?

336. No. You were thinking of Leonardo da Vinci.

337. The answer is this - actually, he was Chinese.

338. The first known helicopter was a toy called the bamboo dragonfly

339. which flew 25 feet up into the air and dates back to 400AD.

340. That's more than 1,000 years before da Vinci. But who made a helicopter first?

341. Not a silly bamboo thing, a proper helicopter!

342. You know? Goes, "wocho-wocho-whcho".

343. Pilot goes, "Woo-woo". Like that! "Helicopter" means screw-winged.

344. With a rear one with an engine and tyres!

345. The French invented the modern helicopter in the sense we'd use it.

346. Now, next question.

347. What do you get if you suck your pencil?

348. Lead poisoning.

349. There is no chance on God's Earth you'd get lead poisoning.

350. You mean Sir was lying?

351. There is no lead in a pencil.

352. It has no Pb in it, no element of lead at all. It's pure graphite.

353. They're made of graphite, which is the crystalline form of carbon.

354. It won't harm you at all. It's not lead?

355. Never has been, never will be. That's why they're not very heavy.

356. Exactly.

357. You might say they're more HB than Pb!

358. It's time for the final scores. I'm afraid Peter has minus five.

359. Minus five? In third place, it's Rich with three points.

360. In second, Julia with nine.

361. But way out in front, it's Alan with 23 points!

362. It only remains for me to thank our wise monkeys,

363. Rich, Julia, Peter and Alan,

364. and to close with this thought from another great British Alan.

365. The boxer Alan Minter reassures us,

366. "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."