QI 13x6

Directed by

Greg Davies as Self • Jo Brand as Self • Bill Bailey as Self

Stephen Fry makes merry with marriage and mating with Jo Brand, Greg Davies, Bill Bailey and Alan Davies.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. This programme contains some strong language

2. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

3. good evening, good evening - and welcome to QI.

4. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate Marriage and Mating.

5. To help me tie the knot, I've brought along a few mates -

6. the ministerial Bill Bailey... APPLAUSE

7. .. the matchmaking Greg Davies... APPLAUSE

8. .. the Maid of Honour, Jo Brand... APPLAUSE

9. Maid of Honour?

10. .. and the Must We Really Invite Him? Alan Davies.

11. So, let's hear your mating calls. Bill goes...

12. You'll recognise that, Bill, being an animal man.

13. Oh, should I? Is that an animal?

14. - It's an amphibian. - I thought it was a...

15. Oh, it's a frog of some kind?

16. It's a marine toad.

17. And Jo goes...

18. I do actually go like that.

19. Well, that was a moose.

20. And Greg goes...

21. It's been a few years since I did that.

22. - That is a spider monkey. - Of course it is.

23. - Two animals for the price of one. - Wonderful.

24. So, Alan goes...

25. - 'Hello, darling, you all right?'

26. And that's the mating call of... Where do you come from, Alan, again?

27. - Essex. - Yeah. There we are.

28. And then you have sex, that's how it works.

29. Everybody wins. Fantastic.

30. But what's the recipe for a disastrous marriage?

31. Oh, Jo?

32. Dead vicar?

33. It would be, you're right.

34. Yeah?

35. Live vicar, lovely couple, escaped Bengali tiger.

36. Yeah, that would be tricky.

37. You've painted a word picture, Greg, there.

38. Let's think first about budget.

39. The price of the wedding?

40. The price of the wedding, yeah.

41. Isn't it about 20 grand now? To get...

42. Yeah, is that a good thing?

43. - I mean does that affect the long-term... - Oh, I see.

44. So the more you spend

45. doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have a happier marriage.

46. It's actually the more you spend, the shorter the marriage.

47. - Isn't that extraordinary? - It IS extraordinary.

48. Mine should be over in a couple of weeks.

49. Cost a bloody fortune.

50. It was a columnist at Emory University, Atlanta, who discovered this.

51. They found an inverse correlation between money spent

52. and how long it lasts.

53. Those who spent less than 1,000 - which is what, £700? -

54. had divorce rates 53% below average,

55. while those who spent more than 20,000 -

56. you were talking about that as a sum -

57. had divorce rates 46% above average.

58. What about numbers who attend weddings?

59. Is that a similar inverse correlation?

60. The more who come, the shorter the marriage?

61. - I presume so, because of the cost factor. - Expense, yeah.

62. Oddly enough, the reverse is true.

63. The more people who witness the wedding, the longer it lasts.

64. So you've got to have a cheap wedding with lots of people.

65. That seems to be the key.

66. This is Randy Olson, a PhD student at Michigan State.

67. He found that couples who marry in front of more than 200 people are

68. 92% less likely to get divorced than those who only have a few witnesses.

69. - So really you want to get married in Selfridges on Christmas Eve. - Yes!

70. Or maybe, if you want to have it cheap and cheerful,

71. but lots of people, maybe somewhere like McDonald's, you might think.

72. In Hong Kong.

73. For 900, you can get 200 guests at a McDonald's.

74. - McDonald's Happy Marriage. - It's a Happy Marriage, yes! LAUGHTER

75. You get a two-hour venue rental,

76. you get 50 McDonaldland character gifts.

77. You get two McDonald balloon wedding rings.

78. Yeah, but how many burgers do you get?

79. Come on, give us that info,

80. I'm thinking about getting remarried there.

81. It's a very simple ceremony, isn't it?

82. You point to the bride, "Do you love it?"I'm loving it."

83. - "All right..."

84. It's all over in five minutes.

85. Yeah. Put a ring on it.

86. Yeah, that's right. Oh, onions, lovely, put a ring on it.

87. Onion rings.

88. If you love it, put an onion ring on it.

89. Randy Olson from Michigan State, who discovered that we should be...

90. I can't get a picture of an erection

91. - with an onion ring on it out of my head. - Oh!

92. - I get that. - How do you get a thought out of your head?

93. What, like onion ring quoits?

94. I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found...

95. - About onion rings? - That sounds great. - That sounds brilliant.

96. What it was, we were doing a secret Santa, right,

97. and it was a £10 limit.

98. And I went in... There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,

99. and for under £10 the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.

100. Anal hoopla consists of a stick,

101. - which goes, guess where... - Oh, yeah.

102. - And three hoops.

103. That's... that's the actual game.

104. It's an ice breaker. It's an ice breaker.

105. - If things have gone a bit flat, you know, in the bedroom area. - Come on!

106. - I mean, the tone of this show is SO difficult to get right. - I'm sorry!

107. I'm just, I'm recalibrating.

108. - All this anal hoopla. - Who would have predicted anal hoopla?

109. On the front of it, on the front of the packet is a cartoon drawing,

110. a bit like a saucy postcard.

111. Two people playing,

112. as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.

113. - Oh, my goodness, yeah. - I dare say it doesn't work.

114. Where was this for sale? At the ARSE-nal football ground?

115. Wahey!

116. - Thank you. - That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"

117. "No, thanks."

118. "Let's play Scrabble."

119. Now, who's still having sex?

120. - Not me. - Not me.

121. - I'll tell you what, these toads.

122. - They're begging for it. - Begging for it.

123. - But are they having it? - Are they having it?

124. Who's still having sex?

125. What, long-term? Some animals lock together for ages, don't they?

126. Are we still... are we in the animal kingdom?

127. Well, Alan, you're in absolutely the right area,

128. in as much as you've spotted our phrase,

129. "Still having sex," as being having sex in a still position.

130. Ah!

131. So it is the species that most has to be utterly motionless

132. when having sex that we could discover.

133. Is it nuns?

134. It's not nuns.

135. - It's a moth. - A moth? - It's a moth. It's a moth.

136. - And so... - There it is. - Oh, right.

137. There it is, beautiful, beautiful moth. It's the gold swift moth.

138. And it's at its most vulnerable when mating.

139. Because it might move and exhibit ecstasy.

140. So what it does instead is keep incredibly still,

141. so that the bat doesn't spot the twitch, any movement.

142. But it has a wonderful repertoire of positions...

143. - Unique amongst...

144. - Because we don't want to disturb it. Look, there they are. - OK.

145. Do you know what, you went all David Attenborough then.

146. As though we were sort of...

147. - I think Stephen's worried about being attacked by a bat. - I was.

148. "On the left there is the standard, facing position.

149. "And in the middle, an extraordinary upside down..."

150. "See the tiny moth cock."

151. "Mr Moth and Kate Moth..."

152. - Wahey! - Thank you.

153. But they are a marvellous species, I think you'll agree.

154. Yeah, the gold swift moth,

155. it has to remain completely still when having sex.

156. Now for something completely different.

157. Who's still having sex?

158. The, erm, gold... fish moth? What was it called?

159. - God, dementia already. - The swift. - Gold swift moth.

160. - The gold swift. - Oh, the gold swift moth.

161. - Well done. You get points for remembering. - Oh.

162. We are so impressed, because it's very rare that anyone on QI

163. can remember the question that's just been asked.

164. Oh, I was so close, I said goldfish moth.

165. You were close. I know.

166. - Is this a new thing, then? Master Of Memory? - Yes, that's right. - Wow!

167. - Yeah, well done you. - Will we get some slightly easier ones, like our names?

168. - Because my memory's terrible. - Mine's terrible. - Yeah, really bad.

169. Such a fabulously middle-aged new feature.

170. - Isn't it? - I love it. - I know.

171. Master of Memory!

172. Well done for remembering something seconds ago.

173. "Is it Neville Chamberlain?"

174. - Anyway... - "One of those rave parties."

175. So what was the question?

176. - Eh? What? - Eh? What, what? - What was the question?

177. Who's still having sex?

178. Yes, well done. You remembered that, good.

179. "I like a bit of kedgeree in the morning..."

180. So it's another question, who's still having sex?

181. Is it anything to do with that lady in the picture?

182. - No, the picture, as always, is a complete distraction. - She's washed her smalls.

183. - Oh, I suppose that's what it is. - Old ladies don't wear underwear like that.

184. That one does.

185. - I think they're her husband's. - Do you?