QI 13x4

1. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

2. good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

3. where, tonight, we'll be taking in a magnificent miscellany

4. of things beginning with M.

5. Please welcome the mundivagant Rhod Gilbert.

6. The marmoraceous Noel Fielding.

7. A woman of great muliebrity, Cariad Lloyd.

8. And macerating in the corner, Alan Davies.

9. On with the buzzers.

10. They're, frankly, a miscellany of musical mischief.

11. Cariad goes...

12. DRUMROLL

13. Noel goes... DRUMROLL

14. SWING BEAT

15. Rhod goes... DRUMROLL

16. God Save The Queen

17. And Alan goes... DRUMROLL

18. GUILLOTINE BLADE SWOOSHES

19. Now, then, what was the matter

20. with the Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy children's chemistry set?

21. Did it have uranium in it or something?

22. It sure did.

23. That's what... Kids glowing green.

24. That's what U-238 is. Yeah, absolutely.

25. It contained uranium

26. and other sources of alpha, beta and gamma radiation,

27. including good, healthy polonium...

28. LAUGHTER .. which was in there.

29. Yeah. And it included a Geiger counter

30. and instructions on how to mine for uranium and...

31. Wow.

32. This is the start of the Iranian weapons programme.

33. Yes, exactly. "We have the kit."

34. The packaging said it was completely safe and harmless.

35. It was sold in 1951, 1952, for $49.50,

36. which is about?300 now. Whoa.

37. So, it was pricey. It was.

38. If you wanted your polonium even then, it'd cost you.

39. And that's why they stopped making it.

40. Cos it was too expensive?

41. Yeah, the margins were not good enough

42. for them to make much of a profit on it.

43. As you see, it says along the top,

44. "Another Gilbert Hall of Science product" and the...

45. It also says exciting and safe. That's right. Absolutely.

46. I'm not sure those two things go together.

47. They don't, do they?

48. Well, the guy responsible was called Alfred Carlton Gilbert

49. and he came up with a number of sets for children.

50. I mean, there was a chemistry set which contained ammonium nitrate,

51. which is the principle ingredient for fertiliser bombs.

52. He liked the good stuff, didn't he?

53. Yeah, he liked, exactly, the good stuff.

54. Agent Orange. LAUGHTER

55. The first experiment in that kit

56. was to make gunpowder. LAUGHTER

57. He just didn't like children, did he?

58. His most famous invention

59. is huge in America.

60. It's the American equivalent of Meccano,

61. which is called Erector. Erector set. And there it is.

62. Are there giggles from our audience because it contains the word erect?

63. Well, there you are.

64. They're still all smiling now. "Ooh, love that word."

65. I just love the idea

66. that you can make a Ferris wheel out of erections.

67. It interconnects with any penis. LAUGHTER

68. Simple docking.

69. Oh.

70. Sorry, Stephen. I was doing the Ferris wheel

71. as if it were attached to my cock.

72. I'm so sorry. Fair enough. LAUGHTER

73. I'm lowering the tone again. I accept that.

74. But it was all part of that time - 1950s -

75. this incredible worship of the nuclear bomb.

76. And it even got to the stage where you could get a cereal toy,

77. which was an atomic bomb ring, celebrating The Lone Ranger series.

78. There it is. There's the atomic bomb inside a ring

79. and it contains polonium alpha,

80. so it gives off brilliant flashes of light

81. as part of nuclear disintegration.

82. So that your little boy and your little girl

83. each have one from the cereal packet and they flash.

84. But it's weird that this was for The Lone Ranger,

85. which you may remember was a Western set in the 19th century.

86. Yeah, it's a cowboy. Yeah.

87. But somehow, he had the atom bomb in what's a very complicated story.

88. He had an atomic bomb in his ring?

89. Yeah. LAUGHTER

90. Wait. Wait.

91. That's one of my favourite ever sentences on this show.

92. And that's when he was running

93. the Erector amusement park.

94. "I've got an A-bomb in my ring." LAUGHTER

95. You sounded like Jeremy Clarkson then.

96. Jeremy would love an A-bomb in his ring.

97. A cowboy with an A-bomb in his ring.

98. So, he's got an A-bomb in his ring and then decades later,

99. James Bond comes along and all his watch does

100. is fire a dart into a mouse or something, isn't it?

101. It gives you a dead leg. I've basically got

102. The Lone Ranger's costume on tonight. You have!

103. Have you got an A-bomb in your ring?

104. I have, yeah.

105. At the end of the show, I'll let that off and...

106. But this is rather...

107. Like a small firework display.

108. We'll all gather round to see the lights.

109. This is not like, "Oh, we found this obscure present

110. "in some cereal packs for a four-month period."

111. Over a million of these were made. Really? God.

112. It was a big promotion.

113. There was a boy as late as the '90s - '94 -

114. who tried to construct a nuclear reactor

115. in his mother's shed in his garden in Michigan.

116. He was the Nuclear Boy Scout.

117. There are his badges, including, top left,

118. he's holding up the nuclear badge.

119. I didn't know Scouts had one, but they seem to. Wow.

120. He can't even fix a blind.

121. They called him the Radioactive Boy Scout

122. and when I said he was trying to construct a nuclear reactor,

123. I mean it. He was trying to construct a nuclear reactor.

124. His safety included wearing a lead poncho.

125. Where do you find a lead poncho?

126. Noel's got one. Noel's got one.

127. Yes, you have one. Yes! You must have a lead poncho.

128. You're the only person who would have a lead poncho.

129. He's not going to make a nuclear...

130. He's got an arrow to show which way up his top goes on.

131. There is that.

132. And he threw away his clothes after each session

133. that he was in his mother's shed.

134. He was in the middle of purifying thorium

135. when he was rumbled by the authorities. Wow.

136. And his shed was found to be 1,000 times more radioactive

137. than background radiation and was buried in the desert.

138. It was!

139. How did they take his shed to the desert?

140. That's amazing. Must have been a chopper. Yeah.

141. "We're going to have to take the birdbath as well. This is..."

142. "This washing line - that's right out, mate."

143. "And the trellis. The trellis has got to go."

144. "Dad's barbecue - gone, mate. Gone." LAUGHTER

145. So, if you want to really light up your children's faces,

146. you could get them a radioactive chemistry lab.

147. Which place, beginning with M, holds the world's deadest parties?

148. Milton Keynes.

149. Milton Keynes? Oh, dear.

150. Michael Gove's underpants. LAUGHTER

151. Maidstone. KLAXON

152. Oh! How amazing.

153. You got Maidstone. Thank you for that.

154. Well, no, it's an island - one of the largest islands on Earth.

155. Oh, erm... Madagascar. Madagascar. Madagascar.

156. The Malagasy people. The Malgache people.

157. Yeah, every few years, they dig up their ancestors

158. and have a party and dance with them over their heads.

159. Yeah, I know.

160. Not as weird as a radioactive chemistry kit. No, it isn't.

161. They dig them up.

162. They dress them in silk... "Hello, Grandad!"

163. Dress them in silk scarves. Yeah.

164. It's what we do in Camden. LAUGHTER

165. They also spray their ancestors' bodies with perfume,

166. perhaps understandably... LAUGHTER

167. .. and they bathe them in sparkling wine.

168. After the dance, the corpses are placed on the ground like that.

169. See, there are the corpses in winding sheets and so on.

170. Oh, too weird. Too weird. Yeah. And the elders tell their children

171. about the significance of their relatives.

172. But they also tell the dead ancestors

173. about the children that have been born since the ancestors died.

174. So, they have a sort of two-way communication, as it were,

175. about their families.

176. They should have booked a bigger hall.

177. Yeah. Well, yes, it's full and bouncy.

178. It's amazing. That's amazing.

179. We don't talk about death enough, just to bring up in a comedy show.

180. I am NOT getting my grandma out...

181. LAUGHTER ..in a potato sack.

182. LAUGHTER I know what you mean.

183. We hide away from it here. I'm with you, Cariad.

184. We don't talk about it at all. Other cultures are much more open.

185. I don't. I'm a Goth. I'm all over it.

186. LAUGHTER I sleep in a coffin.

187. No, you're right, we do.

188. We don't like to talk about it, but they celebrate it.

189. They do. It's rather wonderful.

190. Do they drink at the party? You must have to. I think so.

191. Do they sometimes get home and think, "Oh, shit!

192. "I've left Grandma somewhere."

193. On the bus!

194. Supposedly, they do it because they've had a dream

195. in which an ancestor's visited them

196. and told them they're cold in their grave

197. and that they want to come up.

198. This ceremony, it's called a Famadihana

199. and the whole taboo and folklore system of Madagascar is called fady

200. and it's very strong.

201. It's much stronger than it is in many other countries

202. and despite all the pressures on Madagascar,

203. as they are on all countries. It seems a bit grim,

204. but I think it's fine. Quite nice, I think. I like it.

205. Two things they're known for - that and square guitars.

206. Yes. Yeah, it does.

207. Now for a serious medical malady.

208. Show me the symptoms of bicycle face.

209. Bicycle face? Mm-hm. LAUGHTER

210. That's with goggles. No, these are wheels. Oh, they're...

211. Oh, I see. Sorry. Of course they're wheels!

212. Is bicycle...? What is bicycle face?

213. When you get sucked off by your Grifter?

214. Wow!

215. Sorry. I'd better go.

216. No, that's the right answer!

217. That's what I've got written on the card.

218. That's amazing!

219. On my card, in this universe, on the other hand...

220. LAUGHTER ..I've got something else.

221. The Literary Digest, in 1895, warned women cyclists...

222. I don't know why I'm looking at you. I'm a woman. You are. That's OK.

223. You've identified me as a woman.

224. It's going to get worse, I'm afraid. OK. This thing is.

225. "Over-exertion, the upright position on the wheel

226. "and the unconscious effort to maintain one's balance

227. "produces a wearied and exhausted bicycle face.

228. "The main symptoms..." No-one will marry you! Yes.

229. "The main symptoms are a hard, clenched jaw and bulging eyes..."

230. I wasn't sure where you were going to stop at. Yeah, quite.

231. "..as well as being flushed or pale."

232. Either of those. I... Yeah.

233. And, "Wearing a haggard, anxious expression."

234. That's just the fear of patriarchy. LAUGHTER

235. "I'm under so much pressure." Well, there was a worry.

236. Some doctors said that,

237. "Cycling would irritate the pelvic organs

238. "and stimulate women to disturbing lusts."

239. If you can't get it at home,

240. you get it on a bike, right, ladies? Yeah.

241. Get your stimulated pelvic organs.

242. Well, there's a downside, according to a French expert...

243. Of course. .. who said, "It would ruin the female organs

244. "of matrimonial necessity."

245. Now, Cariad, tell me, your organs of matrimonial necessity...

246. Excuse me? What are you asking me?

247. I'm just hoping that they haven't been ruined by bicycling.

248. "Hello, Wembley! We're the Female Organs Of Natural Necessity."

249. It's funny cos the clitoris... HE INHALES SHARPLY

250. La-la-la, la-la-la. Shall we draw a picture?

251. She said it! She said it!

252. She said it! SHE IMITATES ALARM

253. I've drawn a rainbow, everyone.

254. It's all right. LAUGHTER

255. Where's Sue Perkins when you need her?

256. The clitoris is actually a very large organ...

257. Shush, Cariad! LAUGHTER

258. And it's just literally the tip of an iceberg.

259. When you say, "LITERALLY the tip of an iceberg..."?

260. Yeah. I knew I was looking for it in the wrong place.

261. There was an artist in New York... In the Arctic Ocean.

262. Yeah. An artist in New York.

263. She made like, this, obviously not to scale, clitoris

264. and she got women to ride on it, but it literally... it's huge.

265. It's, like, there's this bit

266. and then there's these two other huge bits that are in the body.

267. I was looking behind you. Yeah.

268. Behind just here.

269. Wow. It's giant. It's way bigger... But you have two, don't you?

270. It's one under each arm, yes?

271. Have I got this wrong?

272. Alan, help me out. It's OK.

273. I didn't bring mine with me today. LAUGHTER

274. So, to say it damages the vital organs is...

275. So, how much more of it is there, then? Going...?

276. Oh, my God. Guys, do we have to, like...?

277. Is this the bit where I tell you about... explain it to you?

278. A woman at some point in your life

279. should have explained this to you, but perhaps...

280. I've never seen such fear in all your faces.

281. Do you think people will believe it if I say that my penis

282. is only the tip of the iceberg? LAUGHTER

283. There's a lot more under the surface

284. you haven't seen. LAUGHTER

285. There's a huge nerve ending

286. coming out right out of the top of my head.

287. Anyway, bicycle face was a medical condition

288. that would apparently only affect lady cyclists.

289. Now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse?

290. Oh, yeah, that bird. He does your tax returns.

291. It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively.

292. It's got a brown head and it's on a cow.

293. I just don't want to know how it got the brown head.

294. I don't want to think about how it got the brown head.

295. Oh, stop it! LAUGHTER

296. "That's as far as I can go!"All right, stop there."

297. "Now flap. Now flap your wings!"I can't!"

298. You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue.

299. And we have to forget the cow in this instance,

300. other than the fact that it's in its name.

301. It is a parasitic bird, in a sense. A brood parasite.

302. Do you know what a brood parasite might be?

303. What's a brood? A family of parasites.

304. If you're broody. You want to have more parasites.

305. You want to have... LAUGHTER

306. The type of parasite it is is a brood parasite.

307. That's to say it's parasitic in the way

308. that it occupies a host's birthing place. Womb.

309. Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs, do they, birds?

310. Oh, I thought it was in the cow. Oh, no, no. It's the bird.

311. It's the bird that's the parasite. Oh, OK. It's a brood parasite.

312. It lays its eggs in someone else's nest.

313. I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite!

314. Living off the bird.

315. That would be such a flaw for a parasite -

316. to have to wait for the bird to land on you.

317. Running around getting underneath birds.

318. Painting an H on your own back.

319. Well, that's... Put a nest on your back.

320. With a vacant sign.

321. Yeah, it's a brood parasite, it lays its egg like that.

322. As does, more famously, our...? Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo, yes.

323. Cuckoo's the Great British brood parasite.

324. That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it?

325. No. I did say, "Forget the cow,"

326. but I knew that wasn't going to be a helpful remark.

327. I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen. Yeah, well...

328. It's a question of why did the birds put up with it?

329. Why does the one that lays the blue eggs in this instance,

330. allow that to happen?

331. Why doesn't he just get rid of the egg?

332. Is it...? The answer is it does... once.

333. If it tries it, a bird that's laid that egg will come back

334. and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it.

335. And the mother bird learns this and next time it builds...

336. laboriously builds a new nest, laboriously lays her own eggs...

337. Next time a brown-headed cow bird comes along to lay their egg

338. they go, "Yeah, you can have it, I'll look after it, it's no problem."

339. It's basically a protection racket. They're gangster birds. Oh, my God.

340. Hence the phrase, "Make you an offer you can't refuse." Ohh.

341. But it works.

342. So which one... was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one?

343. The blue eggs is like the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen

344. for his family all these years. Exactly, that's it.

345. And then the other egg is the guy who comes round going,

346. "You're going to look after my egg, otherwise I'll come round..."

347. Or "You'll find a job for my boy, you'll find him a job." Yeah.

348. "You see this egg? You know what I'm going to do to this egg

349. "if you don't look after the other egg?

350. And then he sma... and then he throws it out.

351. Eventually, cos it's evolution, they'll start spraying

352. their own blue egg that brown colour. Yes.

353. "Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it."

354. You're right, that's quite likely, isn't it?

355. Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap?

356. Oh, yeah.

357. That's what I'd do.

358. Good point. You'd think they would, wouldn't you?

359. Stop leaving a gap!

360. Anyway, that's brown-headed cowbirds.

361. Now, what starts with M and nearly destroyed the world

362. 470 million years ago?

363. Magneto.

364. You try... I can feel us being led by this image...

365. Yes. ..in a direction.

366. You're right, I'm going to warn you, I'm in a good mood,

367. do not say meteor or meteorite, or meteoroid.

368. Don't say either of those. It looks like the logo for MasterChef.

369. Which is branding a pterodactyl. But...

370. A m-earthquake. A m-earthquake.

371. That's what we hope happens here every week.

372. Is it mitochondria? Is it something, like, bacterial...

373. Well, it's a life form, you're absolutely right.

374. It's a life form that destroyed all other life forms,

375. virtually, on earth.

376. It was the Ordovician-Silurian extinction event.

377. But it begins with M, this particular life form. Mouse.

378. It got rid of all the oxygen... Sorry? Mouse.

379. It wasn't a mouse. You've got the right consonants.

380. Consonants. All right. M... m... m...

381. ..m... M and a S.

382. M and a S. It's wonderful how he's coming on, isn't it?

383. It's moss. Moss! Moss! Yes, moss is the answer.

384. How boring. Wow. Yeah, hard to believe. Moss.

385. It was like a phage, it ate away at rocks...

386. Right. .. even altering them chemically.

387. Hey, Cariad, there's an iceberg like your clitoris.

388. You're learning!

389. I mean this, Alan, you can get more...

390. If you've just joined the show...

391. I can usually predict almost everything

392. that's going to be said on this show,

393. but "There's an iceberg like your clitoris" is a new one for me.

394. That's exactly what I was talking about.

395. Don't just work with what you see.

396. You've got to work with more underneath it.

397. Not moss on it, is there? Yes, mate.

398. Keep the moss on, what's wrong with you?

399. You don't want to look like a child.

400. Wear your moss and be proud, ladies.

401. Interestingly, you only get moss on the north side of a lady.

402. That seems fair. Oh, Lord.

403. It depends how long she's been at the bus stop.

404. There's types of moss that destroy other types of moss,

405. but it takes like sort of, you know, hundreds of years.

406. Yeah. But if you were to watch it,

407. you would see what is essentially a horrible war...

408. There's moss that destroys itself, like Kate Moss.

409. But...

410. Now...

411. Yeah.

412. Well, this moss used to eat the rocks and it would create

413. a chemical reaction with phosphorus, reacted with CO2,

414. sucked it from the atmosphere.

415. So it was a whole series of these reactions.

416. And that used up almost all the oxygen,

417. destroying life forms everywhere.

418. It took about 35 million years for this process to work

419. and it was 470 million years ago.

420. We should keep an eye on moss now, in case it ever... We should, yeah.

421. .. gets an idea again to take over.

422. I've always had my suspicions about moss.

423. Have you?

424. Bitchin' about lichen.

425. Now, from moss to moths.

426. Why would you want to blow up a moth's penis?

427. Really the question should be why wouldn't you?

428. You've run out of balloons at a kids' children's party.

429. Blow it up like destroy it, or... Inflate it.

430. Inflate it, yeah. ..like, with a foot pump?

431. Using... Flotation device.

432. It takes a certain kind of person to invent something

433. to increase the size of a moth's penis...

434. It does. It certainly does. It really does.

435. It takes an Australian.

436. And it takes a device that they've invented called...

437. "Get your lips round that, fella." Yeah.

438. And it's called...

439. "We're going to have to float downstream or we'll die."

440. And it's called the phalloblaster.

441. Now, the phalloblaster is what pumps up the penis of a moth...

442. Come here little fella,

443. I'm just going to increase the size of your penis.

444. Shouldn't hurt.

445. Did we... did we answer the why...

446. Why would we? Yeah, why? Why?

447. I love the idea that they blow up the penis,

448. then let it go and it goes... HE MIMES DEFLATING BALLOON

449. Well, what it is...

450. And the moths go, "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"

451. There are a lot of species of insect that are impossible to determine,

452. the actual species, except by an inspection of the genitalia.

453. Right. Oh, really? Yeah.

454. Oh, some doctor said, "It's the only way I could find out

455. "if it was a man, so I blew it and now I know."

456. They used to use...

457. "Because otherwise I wasn't sure. Leave me alone, Mary..."

458. I thought moths were just butterflies from the '70s.

459. Ah-ha.

460. So forward, the phalloblaster.

461. It uses a stream of pressurised alcohol

462. to fill and inflate the insect's penis.

463. And if anyone knows about pressurised alcohol, it's an Australian.

464. I don't think that's a...

465. "Can we have two streams of pressurised alcohol, please?"

466. That's not a scientific experiment, that's an Australian stag do.

467. It basically is.

468. When the alcohol evaporates, you see, it hardens the tissue

469. and then you're left with one much larger, hardened organ that...

470. This is the sort of thing you should put in a kit for a teenage boy.

471. Yeah.

472. How do they do this? Because, the thing is...

473. Have we come on to the why yet, as well?

474. Do they hold the moth and then do it?

475. Because, you know, when you hold moths, the gold stuff

476. comes off their wings and they can't fly any more

477. and they have to walk home.

478. It explains why they're always trying to get to the moon, no?

479. Bloody hell. I'd be out of here, as well.

480. They've been told there's spare penises up there...

481. I've had enough of this, I'm off.

482. When you said "I'm off," it sounded like "I... moth."

483. Like I... Like a very thoughtful moth.

484. Yeah. I moth. I moth. Do take thee, other moth.

485. I thought he was just talking Welsh. I-moth. I-moth.

486. I-moth. Well, it's cowin' lush, either way. So um...

487. See, I speak Welsh.

488. Now, this man invented toilet vinegar.

489. What other bright ideas did he have?

490. Waterproof fish and chips?

491. The triple beard. Yes.

492. Is it Thomas Edison? It's not Thomas Edison.

493. With the light bulb. No... Bright idea, you see.

494. You're right, very clever, that was brilliant. Smarter than we've been.

495. Is it Jack Torch, inventor of the torch? No.

496. Is toilet vinegar something to do with cleaning?

497. It's toilet vinegar in the sense of toilet water.

498. It's supposed to be... Oh, yeah.

499. But, in fact, it would work for cleaning.

500. But if I told you his name, you might guess what he invented

501. which is in a related field.

502. His name was Rimmel.

503. Oh, did he invent... Oh, make-up.

504. Particular kind? The lipstick? Lipstick.

505. Not the lipstick, no. The blusher?

506. Not the blusher. Mascara.

507. Yes. Oh. Absolutely right, mascara. Yes.

508. Why weren't things going off then?

509. If I'd said things, it would all have gone off.

510. Finally you've worked out the pattern...

511. If you start guessing things, it goes off!

512. That's how it works.

513. It's just that fair. Just cos she's a girl!

514. Oh, now! Now then.

515. Ahh, she's a girl who knew the right answer.

516. Ahh, I can't believe it.

517. There's an urban myth that mascara contains...?

518. Have you ever heard of this? Dogs.

519. It is made of dogs. The French don't care.

520. You know what they're like. They're cruel.

521. Some people think it's made of bat guano. Bat droppings.

522. Oh, my goodness. Bat gua... It's because it has guanine in it

523. and guanine is made from fish scales.

524. Robin, take that and make some mascara.

525. He looks like...

526. Please.

527. Be proud of yourself.

528. Is bat guano poisonous? Batman shit.

529. He was very much a perfume-y sort of person.

530. In plays in the Victorian era, as the curtain went up,

531. there would be a waft of perfume for each scene, different perfume,

532. and he would be credited in the programme - "Perfume by Rimmel."

533. And now it's time for us to leave the maelstrom of miscellany

534. and move into the murky waters of general ignorance.

535. Fingers on mushroomoids.

536. After you die, what's the last bit of your body to stop beating?

537. The internal section of the clit...

538. Now, you see... The foot.

539. It's known as the foot, Alan, in mountaineering circles.

540. The foothills are the clitoris. Oh, is it the shadow?

541. Excuse me? LAUGHTER

542. Officially weird.

543. Well, just imagine if you were lying in a coffin

544. and your shadow was going, "Great, what am I going to do now?

545. LAUGHTER "I could be someone else's shadow."

546. Do you know about the little pulsing, beating hairs we have in our body?

547. Oh, in your digestive system?

548. They're tiny. We have them all over the body.

549. In the nose, not the nostril hairs, they're big,

550. but the tiny, tiny little...

551. Like moss.

552. Like moss. They're called cilia.

553. What, the little hairs in your nose? Cilia.

554. No, not the visible ones. I was going to say, I feel really guilty,

555. I machined mine out this morning.

556. They're like little...

557. Are they the ones that collect mucus?

558. Microscopic little bulrushes there,

559. and they beat in waves to pass things backwards and forwards.

560. You can test if you put saccharin in your nose...

561. I know it sounds suspicious...

562. You trying to get us into trouble or...?

563. "No, Officer, I'm trying something...

564. "It's a QI thing. You put..."

565. Pulling up in a lay-by on the A40. "It's saccharin, Officer."

566. If you put, just dab saccharin on your nostrils, right...

567. Right.

568. And wait, don't push it up or sniff it up, or anything like that,

569. just wait until you can taste it in the back of the throat.

570. Right. And that's the action of the cilia pulling it up.

571. Like tiny elves passing to each other.

572. So, yeah, they studied 100 cadavers, scientists,

573. and found that not only did the cilia keep moving for up to 20 hours,

574. but the beat of them slowed down at a consistent pace, regardless

575. of external factors, like temperature and so on.

576. That's so sad. It could help forensic investigators though,

577. work out the time of death. They kept trying to keep...

578. "Come on, lads. Keep going, he might come back."

579. Why would they continue doing that?

580. Cos they weren't ready to let it go...

581. Let it go, cilia.

582. They even transport molecules to the retina's light-sensitive cells.

583. They're very amazing. Quite useful, aren't they?

584. They help propel sperm and waft eggs through the oviduct.

585. That's... that's one for you.

586. I have ovaries.

587. Just in case anyone who watched the programme didn't know that I had

588. a clitoris, ovaries and a vulva, we've discussed mine this evening.

589. Yeah. Thank you. Shall I get my rainbow out? Yes, please.

590. I've got a Ferris wheel on me cock so don't worry too much.

591. We're both having a good time. Everyone relax, everyone relax.

592. Shall I waft my eggs over to your Ferris wheel...

593. Yeah, oh-ho! Oh-ho!

594. I would say your matrimonial necessities

595. have had a damn good airing this evening. Yeah.

596. They didn't need it, they definitely didn't need it.

597. Well, that brings me to the matter of the scores

598. and how fascinating they are.

599. Actually, really fantastic because way out in the lead

600. with a magnificent plus eight is Cariad Lloyd.

601. Ah. LAUGHTER

602. I win.

603. In a superb second place, with plus four - Noel Fielding.

604. And no disgrace to be on minus seven - Rhod Gilbert.

605. Incredible. I'm happy with that...

606. And pretty good for him,

607. minus 29 - Alan Davies.

608. Thank you.

609. Well, that's all from Cariad, Rhod, Noel, Alan and me.

610. And I leave you with this quote about mystery

611. from Sir Arthur Eddington, the great physicist.

612. "Something unknown is doing we don't know what." Goodnight.

613. The knives are sharpened and the heat is on. It can only mean one thing.

614. I've never, ever seen that!

615. Britain's best chefs are back in town.

616. They're here because they want this title. I'm really excited.

617. Let's see what they can do.