1. This programme contains
some strong language.Copy !req
2. Goooooood evening!Copy !req
3. Good evening, good evening, good
evening, good evening, good eveningCopy !req
4. and welcome to QI,Copy !req
5. where tonight we're on parade
for all things military.Copy !req
6. Here to do battle
are the flag-waving Jimmy Carr.Copy !req
7. The sabre-rattling Sheila Hancock.Copy !req
8. The war-mongering Jeremy Clarkson.Copy !req
9. And the ambulance-driving
Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. Now their buzzers
are suitably belligerent.Copy !req
11. Jimmy goes...Copy !req
12. Theme from The Great EscapeCopy !req
13. Sheila goes...Copy !req
14. Theme from 633 SquadronCopy !req
15. Jeremy goes...Copy !req
16. Ride Of The Valkyries
by WagnerCopy !req
17. And Alan goes...Copy !req
18. March! March! March! March!Copy !req
19. March! March! March!Copy !req
20. Nice!Copy !req
21. What was unusual about
Britain's war with Finland in 1941?Copy !req
22. Jeremy?Copy !req
23. Well, not a shot was fired.Copy !req
24. Oooh...Copy !req
25. No, it was the only time, I think,Copy !req
26. that two democracies have ever
gone to war with one another.Copy !req
27. That's a hell of an alarm. Yeah.Copy !req
28. Does it know what we're thinking?
Yes, definitely.Copy !req
29. How did you know that?Copy !req
30. Welcome to my world!Copy !req
31. 11 years ago, Jeremy Clarkson,
you said, on this very programme...Copy !req
32. That that was true!Copy !req
33. .. that the 1941 Anglo-Finnish War
was the only oneCopy !req
34. fought between two democracies.Copy !req
35. Yeah. Well, have we declared war,
since the show, started on France?Copy !req
36. No, there had been others before.Copy !req
37. A viewer named Otto Lowe
has written to us...Copy !req
38. - Otto? He'd know!
- ..to point out that we were wrong.Copy !req
39. So we're retro-actively
taking points from you today.Copy !req
40. You had a slightly bad start to
the year, but now it's got terrible!Copy !req
41. - I'm really sorry.
- It is 11 years ago I mentioned it!Copy !req
42. There was the fourth Anglo-Dutch War
of 1780 to 1784.Copy !req
43. The Football War of 1969...
What was that?Copy !req
44. .. between El Salvador and Honduras.Copy !req
45. Football War? The Football War.Copy !req
46. Had Honduras kicked a football
into their...?Copy !req
47. It only lasted ten hours,
it must be said.Copy !req
48. Was there a half-time?Copy !req
49. Well, I'll go back
to my original answer, then,Copy !req
50. which was not a shot was fired.Copy !req
51. I'm afraid that's not true, either.Copy !req
52. 13 people were killed
in the Anglo-Finnish War.Copy !req
53. The British attacked a port called
Petsamo on 30th July, 1941.Copy !req
54. I still think it's the only proper
war fought between two democracies.Copy !req
55. Oh, give in, Jeremy, give in.Copy !req
56. If you'd gone home after
the programme and looked it up,Copy !req
57. then you'd have known.Copy !req
58. I did look it up
before I mentioned it 11 years ago!Copy !req
59. Well, Wikipedia has got more accurate
since then. But, erm...Copy !req
60. The fact is, despite its reputation,
the Anglo-Finnish War of 1941Copy !req
61. is not the only time two democracies
have fought each other.Copy !req
62. Now, if I can be serious
for a moment.Copy !req
63. More than 100 million people
were killedCopy !req
64. in wars during the 20th centuryCopy !req
65. and the total number of people
ever killed by warsCopy !req
66. could be as many as one billion.Copy !req
67. Einstein described war as "a cloak
that covers acts of murder."Copy !req
68. And Antoine de Saint-Exupery
called it "a disease, like typhus."Copy !req
69. With all that in mind,
here is my question to you.Copy !req
70. Why did Hitler
have such a silly moustache?Copy !req
71. Thank God for that! I thought I was
on the wrong show for a minute.Copy !req
72. It all got very serious.Copy !req
73. I'm sure you'd agree with
my description of war, Sheila?Copy !req
74. I would, absolutely.Copy !req
75. This is a difficult show for me to
be on because I'm a Quaker pacifist.Copy !req
76. So I'm not an ideal person
on the thing.Copy !req
77. Were you born a Quaker?Copy !req
78. No, I wasn't. I was "a Quaker
by convincement," as they call it.Copy !req
79. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
80. Because my family, the Fry family,
were very early Quakers.Copy !req
81. Of course they were, yeah.
It's a very admirable thing.Copy !req
82. And the pacifism is taken very
seriously, isn't it? Yes.Copy !req
83. Well, it's a lovely thing
until Hitler comes alongCopy !req
84. and then it's not much use.Copy !req
85. Well, if we'd have done something
about it before Hitler came along,Copy !req
86. - then maybe we would have...
- Shaved his moustache off!Copy !req
87. And I think the reason
he had that moustacheCopy !req
88. is he was probably a fan
of Oliver Hardy.Copy !req
89. Ah, well, it's certainly true
that they were popular in the '20sCopy !req
90. and increasingly in the '30s among...Copy !req
91. Well, Charlie Chaplin,
of course, is best known. Exactly.Copy !req
92. But, supposedly,
Hitler changed fromCopy !req
93. what was a relatively
bushy moustache...Copy !req
94. You may have seen a famous photograph
of him as a gefreiter,Copy !req
95. a corporal, in the First World War.
There he is on the left.Copy !req
96. But there are a couple of stories.
No-one's quite sure which is true.Copy !req
97. There was a fellow who served
with him, Alexander Moritz Frey -Copy !req
98. Great Uncle Alexander -Copy !req
99. he was in the same regiment
in the First World War as HitlerCopy !req
100. and he said that Hitler trimmed it
into the familiar toothbrushCopy !req
101. in order to fit into
the gas mask properly.Copy !req
102. Frey's account is controversial,
apparently.Copy !req
103. He went on to become
a satirist and fantasy novelist,Copy !req
104. starting a family tradition.Copy !req
105. And so...Copy !req
106. But here's a point about Hitler.
He's judged very harshly by history,Copy !req
107. but he did kill Hitler.Copy !req
108. That's... I can't take that
away from you, Jimmy.Copy !req
109. Credit when credit is due.
That's true.Copy !req
110. Some historians believe that Hitler
only adopted the 'tache in 1919.Copy !req
111. And his sister-in-law,
who lived in Liverpool...Copy !req
112. What, she had one as well?Copy !req
113. She may have done.
Do you know what her name was?Copy !req
114. - Muriel. - Almost, as it were.Copy !req
115. Scouse Adolf.Copy !req
116. - Bridget Hitler. - Bridget Hitler...?Copy !req
117. Yeah, that was her name.
Bridget Hitler.Copy !req
118. - Bridget Hitler? - Is that true?Copy !req
119. Yes. She was married to Alois Junior,
who was Hitler's half-brother.Copy !req
120. And they had a son,
William Patrick Hitler.Copy !req
121. Billy Hitler!Copy !req
122. William Patrick Hitler
went to AmericaCopy !req
123. and won a Purple Heart in the Navy.Copy !req
124. Changed his name, I presume.Copy !req
125. Eventually,
to Stuart-Houston, I think.Copy !req
126. And he claimed he wanted to forget
anything to do with his uncle,Copy !req
127. but he named his first son
Alexander Adolf Stuart-Houston.Copy !req
128. Aren't there still,
in the American phone book...?Copy !req
129. I know there's a weird fact,Copy !req
130. it's quite interesting,
might work on this show,Copy !req
131. where there's still, I think,
nine people called Adolf Hitler...Copy !req
132. Really? that were obviously
born before he came to...Copy !req
133. Oh, watch it, because in 11 years
they're going to ask you a question.Copy !req
134. - Oh, Jesus! - You'll be, "Arrgh!"Copy !req
135. You're simmering about that,
aren't you?Copy !req
136. I'm not a sore loser, but...Copy !req
137. Yeah.Copy !req
138. Anyway, yes, Bridget in her memoirs
said that he came to visit LiverpoolCopy !req
139. and that she told him that he should
trim the ends of his moustacheCopy !req
140. to make it less bushy.Copy !req
141. But as she put it,
"As in most things, he went too far."Copy !req
142. That's put him in his place.Copy !req
143. Hey, take it easy, Bridget.Copy !req
144. Yeah, I know!Copy !req
145. Yeah, and speaking of things
going a little bit too far,Copy !req
146. here's a question on mutinies.Copy !req
147. Everybody remembers
the mutiny on the Bounty,Copy !req
148. but give me the name and rankCopy !req
149. of the man who was overthrown
and cast adrift in an open boat?Copy !req
150. - Christian. - Fletcher Christian.
Wasn't he the one that...?Copy !req
151. Is this just the BBC
still getting at me?Copy !req
152. You were about to correct Sheila,
weren't you?Copy !req
153. I was about to say, no, Fletcher
Christian was the one who...Copy !req
154. The mutineer.Copy !req
155. .. did the mutinying, but Captain...Copy !req
156. Was he a captain
and was he called Bligh?Copy !req
157. He was called Bligh.
He was called William Bligh.Copy !req
158. But he was a lieutenant commander.Copy !req
159. I thought it was Marlon Brando.Copy !req
160. Oops, what happened there?Copy !req
161. Yeah, he was a commanding lieutenant
on the BountyCopy !req
162. and there was a mutiny,
and what was the mutiny about,Copy !req
163. what was the prime cause of it?Copy !req
164. They couldn't get Netflix.Copy !req
165. - You would think they could...
- Was there a shuffleboard incident?Copy !req
166. They could flick their net to
catch... Bligh was being too strict.Copy !req
167. Well, they had been in Tahiti,Copy !req
168. where they had enjoyed
the hospitality of Tahitian women.Copy !req
169. Beautiful food and fabulous climate
and they just loved it so much,Copy !req
170. and Bligh insisted that they all
get back on the boat,Copy !req
171. to get back to their duties.Copy !req
172. Do you remember what
the duties of the Bounty were?Copy !req
173. They were collecting flowers,
or something. No, some food. Yes!Copy !req
174. Breadfruit. Breadfruit, that's it.Copy !req
175. Because they thought that may be the
magical food for the British Navy.Copy !req
176. But they were really resentful
at the idea that they had to get backCopy !req
177. to their duties and they eventually
cast him adrift in an open boat.Copy !req
178. And they gave him just a sextant
and a pocket watchCopy !req
179. and, miraculously,
he made it all the way to Timor.Copy !req
180. It was a remarkable feat.Copy !req
181. But Bligh seems to have had
problems commanding people,Copy !req
182. because he was made
Governor of New South WalesCopy !req
183. quite a few years after the mutiny,
and they mutinied.Copy !req
184. There was a military putsch
to kick him out.Copy !req
185. - He obviously had the knack.
- He had a bit of a knack.Copy !req
186. So this guy had a knack of upsetting
people he worked with. Yeah.Copy !req
187. All right...Copy !req
188. Yes, other mutinies -
describe the Mutiny of the Monkeys.Copy !req
189. Mutiny of the Monkeys?Copy !req
190. It seems to be that the one in the
middle is going to an England match.Copy !req
191. Peter Tork had had enough.Copy !req
192. Oh, The Monkees! Very good.Copy !req
193. - See what I did there?
- I do see what you did there.Copy !req
194. He wanted a go on the hat,Copy !req
195. and the one who always had the hat
wouldn't let him have the hat.Copy !req
196. Anyway, the gig was cancelled.Copy !req
197. The one who had the hat,
his mum invented Post-It notes.Copy !req
198. Yes, which came about
because they were bad stickers.Copy !req
199. Yeah. Yes.Copy !req
200. They were actually a failure,Copy !req
201. because they didn't stick properly,
then they thought, hang on a minute.Copy !req
202. They should have used superglue,Copy !req
203. because that never sticks
anything to anything.Copy !req
204. - It doesn't! - I've lost
the thread of this conversation!Copy !req
205. Yes, you may not be alone, Sheila!Copy !req
206. Somehow, they were talking about...Copy !req
207. You see, it was the Mutiny of the
Monkeys, showing pictures of monkeys,Copy !req
208. they were talking about the pop
group... I was there with that.Copy !req
209. One of them... Who wears the hat,
Mike Nesmith?Copy !req
210. His mother invented Post-It notes...Copy !req
211. - Or was it Tippex? It was in fact
Tippex. Was it Tippex? Yup. - Oh!Copy !req
212. Oh, well, you got a free
Post-It note fact, anyway.Copy !req
213. Yeah, very true.Copy !req
214. So, no, we are in the world of
primates here, actual monkeys.Copy !req
215. Mutiny of the Monkeys?Copy !req
216. Well, it was called
the Monkey Mutiny, it was in 1890,Copy !req
217. a British vessel called the Margaret,Copy !req
218. which travelled from Durban to BostonCopy !req
219. and it contained a consignment of
400 cockatoos, 12 snakes,Copy !req
220. two crocodiles, some monkeys,
a gorilla and an orang-utan,Copy !req
221. to be delivered to an American zoo.Copy !req
222. Almost immediately,
things started to go wrong.Copy !req
223. I think I've seen a documentary
about this.Copy !req
224. Is it called The Life Of Pi?Copy !req
225. More or less, yes!
Sorry, that actually happened?Copy !req
226. With the tiger, yes.
So, come on, what kicked off...Copy !req
227. They were on a boat...Copy !req
228. Well, the rats ate the grain,
which was intended for the cockatoos,Copy !req
229. so they all died. The cockatoos?
400 cockatoos, dead.Copy !req
230. Food for the crocodiles!Copy !req
231. Yeah, there was a storm, the snakes
and the crocodiles escaped,Copy !req
232. so, the crew barricaded
themselves into their cabinsCopy !req
233. and wouldn't go out, but then,
fortunately, the crocodilesCopy !req
234. and snakes fought each other
until there was only oneCopy !req
235. crocodile left, and eventually some
cargo fell on it and it was killed.Copy !req
236. So, the truth could then come out...Copy !req
237. And they all got new shoes.Copy !req
238. Then, the monkeys escaped
and climbed the rigging,Copy !req
239. then they were swept off to sea
and drowned.Copy !req
240. Where were the human beings
while all this was happening?Copy !req
241. - Shitting themselves!
- They had hidden themselvesCopy !req
242. in their cabin for a lot of it.
They were scared.Copy !req
243. But by the time they did get
to Boston, there was a gorilla,Copy !req
244. three monkeys and four parrots left,
out of that whole consignment.Copy !req
245. That is why Boston Zoo is shit.Copy !req
246. - That's the survivors' photo,
then! - Yes, exactly!Copy !req
247. Anyway, so, a mob of monkeys caused
a mutiny on the Margaret.Copy !req
248. What's a better way to get
out of the Army than shootingCopy !req
249. yourself in the foot?Copy !req
250. Putting your underpants on your head
and pencils up your nostrils.Copy !req
251. "And remember to say... uh-bibble.Copy !req
252. "You must say... uh-bibble." Erm...Copy !req
253. Anyway, are we talking about now,
or in history? First World War.Copy !req
254. Is it to say you were homosexual?
Well, yeah...Copy !req
255. After the war,
there was the conscription,Copy !req
256. the war was over...
Oh, national service.Copy !req
257. You had national service,
and I know one or two actorsCopy !req
258. who pretended they were gay
to get out of doing conscription.Copy !req
259. I've known more actors who pretended
they were straight, but there we are.Copy !req
260. You are right to be in the area
of sexual behaviour, shall we say.Copy !req
261. Because there was this
idea of a "Blighty wound",Copy !req
262. where in the First World War,Copy !req
263. you'd shoot yourself through
the foot in order to be invalided...Copy !req
264. Chop your cock off.Copy !req
265. Well, any of those, if you were
discovered doing them,Copy !req
266. would be a shootable offence.Copy !req
267. - It was considered desertion.
- Cheesegrate it off.Copy !req
268. Ooh!Copy !req
269. Ooh!Copy !req
270. If you haven't tried it,
don't judge.Copy !req
271. Sorry, so, did people really shoot
themselves in the foot?Copy !req
272. Did that happen a lot?Copy !req
273. Not a lot, because they would just be
accused of cowardice and desertion.Copy !req
274. - So, there was another way.
- Running away. - Fraternise?Copy !req
275. - Well, a very particular kind
of fraternising. - Pursuing an officer.Copy !req
276. - You do get leave, even in Flanders...
- Sex change. - Sorry?Copy !req
277. No, you don't
have to go that drastic!Copy !req
278. Bestiality.Copy !req
279. - Oh, that would be all right.
- Necrophilia. - Eugh!Copy !req
280. Look, come on, you're on leave,
you go to Rouen or a Le Havre...Copy !req
281. - Oh, sexually transmitted disease.
- Yes!Copy !req
282. Sexually transmitted disease
is the answer.Copy !req
283. What did you have to
get in a brothel to get out of...Copy !req
284. Well, venereal disease,
usually it was the pox or the clap,Copy !req
285. syphilis or gonorrhoea.Copy !req
286. And you were five times more likely
to have a venereal diseaseCopy !req
287. - than you were trench foot,
on the front. - Then why didn't...Copy !req
288. Forgive me for asking, but whyCopy !req
289. didn't everybody simply go to
a brothelCopy !req
290. in the hope that they
could get a dose...Copy !req
291. - They just about did, that's my point.
- It would be tremendous!Copy !req
292. But it was quite well treated,Copy !req
293. and there didn't seem to be
any utterly terminal or terribleCopy !req
294. form of venereal disease, so,
you would get your few months off,Copy !req
295. and that for something,
for that war...Copy !req
296. Then you could go home
and see the wife.Copy !req
297. Yes... "All right, love?Copy !req
298. "Nice to see you,
but we've got to rest this up..."Copy !req
299. There were 75,000 prostitutes
in Paris alone,Copy !req
300. less than 10% of whom were licensed.Copy !req
301. According to one contemporary report,
171,000 British troops visitedCopy !req
302. brothels in a single street in
Le Havre in just one year.Copy !req
303. Makes you proud, doesn't it?Copy !req
304. During the German occupation,
it was an offence for a prostituteCopy !req
305. to give a German soldier
a venereal disease,Copy !req
306. and the offender could be
imprisoned to keep other menCopy !req
307. safe, but as soon as they started
retreating, towards the end ofCopy !req
308. the war, they released all the women
with venereal disease, in the hopeCopy !req
309. that the pursuing enemy would catch
the clap, essentially.Copy !req
310. - Dear, oh, dear. - They really were
marvellous times, weren't they?Copy !req
311. War is such fun. Isn't it?Copy !req
312. Robert Graves,Copy !req
313. who wrote probably the best
memoir of the First World War,Copy !req
314. Goodbye To All That, the poet,Copy !req
315. he said there were no restraints
in France, "These boys had moneyCopy !req
316. "to spend and knew that they stood
a good chance of being killedCopy !req
317. "within a few weeks anyhow.
They did not want to die virgins."Copy !req
318. And that kind of says it all,
I think. Oh, dear!Copy !req
319. So, yes... I was told this show
would be fun!Copy !req
320. Everybody said, "Do QI, it's fun!"Copy !req
321. Well, catching the syphilis IS fun,
at least. It's all the rest of it.Copy !req
322. It's proving your point about war.Copy !req
323. Yes, soldiers in World War I
could get off by... by getting off!Copy !req
324. Which of these was originally
used for military purposes?Copy !req
325. - The bumper car.
- Not the bumper car, in fact.Copy !req
326. The Ferris wheel.
Not the Ferris wheel.Copy !req
327. - The merry-go-round. - That thing that
goes round, for sea sickness.Copy !req
328. Well, there we are, we've all
gone for something different.Copy !req
329. That's rather pleasing.Copy !req
330. And the only one that's correct
is the merry-go-round.Copy !req
331. Which was originally used
for that purpose of war training.Copy !req
332. You would sit on the horse
and a servant would have a ringCopy !req
333. and you'd have a lance
and you would go round and roundCopy !req
334. and you'd try and get your lance
through the ringCopy !req
335. to practise your accuracy.Copy !req
336. I mean, that's surely bullshit. No?Copy !req
337. No. A merry-go-round
was invented to...Copy !req
338. - That can't be right. - A carousel,
it was called a carosello and...Copy !req
339. So the original was sort of like
a tennis ball machine.Copy !req
340. Yeah, kind of, yeah.Copy !req
341. Call Of Duty is better,
isn't it, really?Copy !req
342. But while we're on the subject
of fairgrounds,Copy !req
343. there had been a particular problem
in the Boer War,Copy !req
344. where they'd noticed that the British
were not very goodCopy !req
345. at aiming and firing rifles.Copy !req
346. So they passed special laws.Copy !req
347. - One of the basics, really, isn't it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
348. They passed special lawsCopy !req
349. that allowed fairgrounds
to have rifle ranges,Copy !req
350. so you could fire rifles,
live ammunition.Copy !req
351. Sorry, there's live ammunition
in the fairground? Yes.Copy !req
352. Have you never gone to one of those?
But it's always like a little cap.Copy !req
353. Tin pellet. Yeah, a pellet.Copy !req
354. I mean, mostly, you get the pellets,
but what is allowed, in law,Copy !req
355. even to this day, is live actual
ammunition, proper ammunition.Copy !req
356. - In a fairground? - Yeah. - Really? Gosh.Copy !req
357. Wow...Copy !req
358. - Really? - Yeah, really.Copy !req
359. What, a 7.62 mm...Copy !req
360. Up to.23.Copy !req
361. - It is frowned upon if you bring your
own gun. - I was going to say.Copy !req
362. I just want to make it
absolutely clear for Jeremy.Copy !req
363. If I turned up with my AK,
I'd get all those balloons.Copy !req
364. But a.22 would work.
So you could have that.Copy !req
365. It would be quite good to turn up
at a fairground with an AK-47Copy !req
366. and go, "I think I'll be taking
that bear home."Copy !req
367. "Someone needs a cuddle."Copy !req
368. Have you ever fired an AK-47?Copy !req
369. Er, not in anger, Jeremy.Copy !req
370. No, somebody put it onto automaticCopy !req
371. and quite literally stood me
in front of a barn doorCopy !req
372. and I missed it.Copy !req
373. - Is that...? - As we all would.Copy !req
374. It just flies around
like a mad thing.Copy !req
375. Of course, the man that did that
isn't here to tell the story.Copy !req
376. Very unfortunate incident.Copy !req
377. It never breaks down
and it never hits anything.Copy !req
378. - And what, it just flies...
- It just does that.Copy !req
379. And then rushes about in your hands.
Terribly dangerous.Copy !req
380. Well, that explains
all of the series of The A-Team.Copy !req
381. So it is actually realistic,
the idea that, you know,Copy !req
382. no-one got shot, ever.Copy !req
383. Nobody could possibly get shot
with an AK,Copy !req
384. not unless
you weren't aiming at them.Copy !req
385. If I aimed at you, most
of the audience would be history.Copy !req
386. Well, that's you. Not everybody.Copy !req
387. I mean,
if they knew how to handle it.Copy !req
388. No, it's pretty much everybody.Copy !req
389. Unless you're a burly
Russian shot putt enthusiast,Copy !req
390. then you could probably
hold on to it. But I couldn't.Copy !req
391. - I fired a machine gun in Vietnam.
- Really, did you?Copy !req
392. Did you hit anything?Copy !req
393. I hit the end of the field.Copy !req
394. A field's reasonable.Copy !req
395. But they'd got all these old weapons
from the American warCopy !req
396. and you go up and you buy bullets.Copy !req
397. - "How many bullets do you want?"
- Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
398. I think I bought ten bullets.Copy !req
399. And they put it in
and then you squeeze the triggerCopy !req
400. and they've gone, like that.Copy !req
401. You think, "Oh, I wish I had more."Copy !req
402. That's the evil of guns, isn't it?
It triggers something.Copy !req
403. Sheila, you're a Quaker pacifist.
Have you got any good gun stories?Copy !req
404. I'm not allowed!Copy !req
405. Oh, dear...!Copy !req
406. It would be so good,
though, if you went,Copy !req
407. "Yeah, has anyone ever had a go
on a bazooka?"Copy !req
408. That's what we were told, that you
could bazooka cows and things,Copy !req
409. but I didn't get
the chance to do that.Copy !req
410. - You're a vegetarian! - We had a...Copy !req
411. You see, this is what guns do,
isn't it?Copy !req
412. Vegetarian of the Year.Copy !req
413. The other thing that I learned
about was that they used cattle...Copy !req
414. Erm...Copy !req
415. Oh, no, that was a stand-up routine
I did. That's not true.Copy !req
416. I think you're beginning
to blur the lines.Copy !req
417. It's come to something when
I'm struggling to remember a factCopy !req
418. and it's something I made up myself.Copy !req
419. Anyway, one important skill
for a soldier is map reading.Copy !req
420. But why are maps
so difficult to fold?Copy !req
421. Well, because now they're on your
phone, so you've got to break it.Copy !req
422. Well, we've got some ones
that aren't on a phone.Copy !req
423. My father was a navigator
in rallying and he could...Copy !req
424. Oh, was he?Copy !req
425. He could fold one in
the passenger seat of a Mini CooperCopy !req
426. - in the dark at night.
- Did he pass that skill on?Copy !req
427. - This is torture, you know?
- So whenever I go to fold up a map...Copy !req
428. - Genuinely, this is my idea of hell.
- Of hell, yeah.Copy !req
429. It is hell.Copy !req
430. That's right,
because there are... severe problems.Copy !req
431. So there they are.Copy !req
432. I mean, I'll tell you,
probably the best ideaCopy !req
433. is not to unfold it in
the first place, Stephen. Yeah.Copy !req
434. Hey, well done!Copy !req
435. That's impressive!Copy !req
436. That is 12 seconds.Copy !req
437. It's like anything with maps,
my father was a navigator.Copy !req
438. And I know what
all the symbols mean.Copy !req
439. Sheila, we've missed our turn!Copy !req
440. Concentrate!Copy !req
441. Right, I'll race you.Copy !req
442. Oh, oh, we'll cheat...Copy !req
443. You're sort of doing what
I do there, I think.Copy !req
444. Oh, Sheila!Copy !req
445. My car is just full of those.Copy !req
446. Pyongyang. Pyongyang.Copy !req
447. - Haven't you got a satnav?
- Where would we be without satnav?Copy !req
448. Hey...! "Where would we be?"Copy !req
449. Elstree. Probably at those studios,
I don't know.Copy !req
450. Come on, everyone, make an effort.Copy !req
451. The fact is, most maps have got nine
folds one way and two the other,Copy !req
452. which means that there are 2,048
different ways of folding them.Copy !req
453. Two to the power of 11. Really?Copy !req
454. A man called Miura, who was
an aeronautical designer,Copy !req
455. was doing solar panel foldingsCopy !req
456. and he came up with this way
of doing it...Copy !req
457. And all you have to do
is that and it folds.Copy !req
458. You just push the corners together.Copy !req
459. And it doesn't matter what you...Copy !req
460. - And what's more... - It wouldn't work.Copy !req
461. - Sorry? - It wouldn't work
if you gave it to me.Copy !req
462. Stephen, could you...
Well, I'll give you one.Copy !req
463. The one that you've got there,
is that a map of Mars?Copy !req
464. You've got one there.Copy !req
465. And you just take the top-right
and bottom-left corners,Copy !req
466. or any other way. That way?Copy !req
467. It's so folded,
it just does it by itself.Copy !req
468. Take the corners
and push them together. Oh, my God!Copy !req
469. That's it! Jeremy, you've done it!Copy !req
470. - But this man is the greatest genius
who ever lived. - Isn't he? I know!Copy !req
471. - It's fantastic. - Who is he?Copy !req
472. He's called Miura, he's a...Copy !req
473. Good God!Copy !req
474. Of course, what you don't realise,
he was trying to make a crane.Copy !req
475. Koryo Miura his name is,
and they are very handy.Copy !req
476. I would have been so fucking pleased
if I'd invented that.Copy !req
477. Well, there are other things
you can do with folding.Copy !req
478. I've got some tissues here.
And if we...Copy !req
479. - Oh, what are we doing now?
- Oh, origami!Copy !req
480. You're each...
If I can give you each a tissue.Copy !req
481. All right, so I'll pass...Copy !req
482. There we are. Pass it down. Oops...!Copy !req
483. What are we doing with the tissue?
And I'll have one here.Copy !req
484. OK, so what are we up to?Copy !req
485. What you're trying to do is
scrunch it up... Oh, yeah, OK.Copy !req
486. ..like this in your hands. Yeah.Copy !req
487. - And you scrunch it up. And then...
- Stick it right up your bum!Copy !req
488. No!Copy !req
489. You try and think of an animal...Copy !req
490. Like, I'm thinking of an animal.Copy !req
491. I'm thinking of a sort of swan
or something like that.Copy !req
492. - I've really scrunched mine up.
- I'm thinking of a swan.Copy !req
493. - Like that, can you see my swan?
- Do I have to think of a swan?Copy !req
494. There you are...Copy !req
495. There we are.Copy !req
496. Tiger. I've got tiger.Copy !req
497. - I've got absolutely nothing at all.
- Oh, well.Copy !req
498. I thought of a badger,
but it got run over.Copy !req
499. Excellent! Well done, all.Copy !req
500. Now, an army is said
to march on its stomach,Copy !req
501. but what is the most morale-boosting
thing you can find in a meat pie?Copy !req
502. Cocaine? No! Well, motivation wise,
it would do wonders. Well, perhaps.Copy !req
503. - A Greggs steak bake. - People, people.
- Yes, people! - People in pies.Copy !req
504. I'll tell you the story behind it
and you might think thatCopy !req
505. there probably was never quite such
a morale-boosting pie.Copy !req
506. It was Philip the Good, and Philip
the Good was the ruler of Burgundy.Copy !req
507. - There we are, then, red wine...
- And in 13...Copy !req
508. 56, probably,
I wouldn't be surprised... 1454...Copy !req
509. He, um... - Good save!Copy !req
510. He held a feast for knightsCopy !req
511. and squires and pages and lords
and so on.Copy !req
512. It was a PR stunt to promote
a crusade that he wantedCopy !req
513. to hold against the Turks.
They had taken Constantinople.Copy !req
514. Anyway, he had a feast, it was called
the Feast of the Pheasant,Copy !req
515. and it included a meat pie which
contained 28 musicians...Copy !req
516. Oh! Alive?Copy !req
517. .. who played throughout the meal.
Yes, alive! It was a vast pie.Copy !req
518. A Manneken-Pis,
which was urinating rose water,Copy !req
519. a castle that squirted
orange punch into its moat,Copy !req
520. and a lion chained to a pillar,
that protected a statue ofCopy !req
521. a nude woman who served
mulled wine from her right breast.Copy !req
522. It sounds like a party
at Elton John's house.Copy !req
523. Well, in this case, after this
enormous pie, a giant came on,Copy !req
524. with an elephant on a leash,
the elephant had a castle on its backCopy !req
525. and the castle had a dishevelled
nun, whose hands were held inCopy !req
526. prayer, and she implored Philip to go
on a crusade to save Constantinople.Copy !req
527. A dishevelled nun?
Apparently dishevelled.Copy !req
528. He immediately leapt to his feet,
made an oath to retake the cityCopy !req
529. and all his guests, caught up in the
excitement of the pie, which had soCopy !req
530. boosted their morale, that they said
they would go on the crusade, too.Copy !req
531. And that's why it's always a good
idea to invade the Middle East.Copy !req
532. Well, actually, they were very
fortunate, because they didn'tCopy !req
533. - go on their crusade, despite the
morale-boosting pie. - They didn't go?Copy !req
534. No, they didn't, because Charles VII
of France, who was the King,Copy !req
535. said that he thought it was
a terrible idea.Copy !req
536. - So, they had the pie for nothing. - I'm
fascinated by this dishevelled nun.Copy !req
537. Yes, well, the word "dishevelled" is
used in Chaucer, you may remember...Copy !req
538. - I don't remember, Stephen.
- No, fine...Copy !req
539. - Did you know him at all, Sheila? - No.Copy !req
540. - He uses the word hevelled. - Hevelled?
- "The man's head is cleanly hevelled."Copy !req
541. So, dishevelled means uncombed.
So, the nun was uncombed, it seems.Copy !req
542. Though it's often
used of clothes as well now.Copy !req
543. Yeah, Philip the Good, he certainly
knew how to throw a good party.Copy !req
544. What's the worst thing
you can find in a Morrison Sandwich?Copy !req
545. Well, Morrison was Food Minister
during the war.Copy !req
546. - Ah, you've got straight to it.
- Herbert.Copy !req
547. He was in charge of sandwiches,
was he? No. Well...Copy !req
548. He was, in fact, in charge of
home defence. And he came up...Copy !req
549. Making sure no-one got in
and took them.Copy !req
550. - Home Guard?
- Not the Home Guard, exactly,Copy !req
551. but he came up with a home defence
idea, which was a type of shelter.Copy !req
552. - It was for the more deprived families
and they... - Not the Anderson?Copy !req
553. It was indoors. .. they were given
free. It was indoors.Copy !req
554. Indoors, as opposed to the Anderson
shelter, which was outside.Copy !req
555. Exactly right.
Which I spent my life in.Copy !req
556. And a dear friend of mine
was in one of thoseCopy !req
557. and her house took a direct hit
and she survived. Yes.Copy !req
558. One of the things we wanted to sayCopy !req
559. is that it was actually not,
as it might seem,Copy !req
560. a rather unsafe contrivance.Copy !req
561. But it actually worked really, really
well, it seems. Yeah, it did.Copy !req
562. But there was one problem.
Sometimes, the top bit,Copy !req
563. which was solid metal,
and the bottom was solid metal,Copy !req
564. sometimes, the top bit
just crashed downCopy !req
565. and the person was caught in what
was then called a Morrison Sandwich.Copy !req
566. - Wow! - Oh, gosh!
But it was considered safer.Copy !req
567. And it was also quite loved,
unlike the Anderson shelter,Copy !req
568. which was pretty hated,
is that right?Copy !req
569. Well, I quite liked it, actually.Copy !req
570. You used to sit,
be outside and you could watch,Copy !req
571. you always had binoculars and you
could watch the dogfights going on,Copy !req
572. you know, in the Battle of Britain
and... God!Copy !req
573. And you felt kind of safe
down there.Copy !req
574. The only thing was
that you were frightenedCopy !req
575. that you'd be trapped
in the shelter.Copy !req
576. I sleep with my hand over my head,Copy !req
577. because there was an escape hatchCopy !req
578. at the back of the Anderson shelter
with a spannerCopy !req
579. that you would use to get out.Copy !req
580. And I used to sleep like that
on my bunk, and I still do.Copy !req
581. I sleep with one hand over the head.Copy !req
582. You could probably sleep
somewhere else now, Sheila.Copy !req
583. This one on the left...Copy !req
584. This one on the left,
it's actually a weight test.Copy !req
585. It's being tested
for how much it can take.Copy !req
586. And, as you can see,
it's a fair amount of weight.Copy !req
587. There was one in my uncle's garden,
I remember.Copy !req
588. What, an Anderson shelter?Copy !req
589. - There is one on my farm and it's
just full of pornography. - What is?Copy !req
590. - Pornography? - It's just full of Men
Only, Mayfair... All from the '70s.Copy !req
591. Is that where you
keep your collection?Copy !req
592. That used to be a thing,
though, didn't it?Copy !req
593. Whenever you'd walk through
woodland, I remember as a teenager,Copy !req
594. there would be pornography
lying around.Copy !req
595. - In the hedges. - In the days
before the internet.Copy !req
596. There was just porn lying about
in the woods.Copy !req
597. Does anyone else remember that? Is
that just me? It's a thing, right?Copy !req
598. - No! - No, it is!Copy !req
599. You used to walk through the woods
and there would be porn lying about.Copy !req
600. Everywhere. I was never able to getCopy !req
601. to the sweet shop without
encountering pornography.Copy !req
602. Well, this is very odd!
Why in the woods? Why in the woods?Copy !req
603. I think that's when, possibly,
people went and bought someCopy !req
604. pornography and thought, well,
I'd better not bring that home.Copy !req
605. Then they'd drive home and leave
a single shoeCopy !req
606. - in the central reservation,
which is the other thing. - Yes!Copy !req
607. And unravel their cassette tape.
There we are...Copy !req
608. That's everything done
now for the day.Copy !req
609. Cassette tape, single shoe,
strong pornography in the wood.Copy !req
610. What a strange world you live in.Copy !req
611. Anyway, yes, Morrison Sandwich...Copy !req
612. Morrison's sandwiches,
as opposed to Morrison Sandwiches,Copy !req
613. which were people caught there.Copy !req
614. There's a Morrison's sandwich,
and, of course,Copy !req
615. they're delightful, fresh
and charming and I wouldn't wantCopy !req
616. to suggest anything about them
that was unpleasant.Copy !req
617. - You've never had one in your life,
have you? - Well, no, but...Copy !req
618. I know they exist.Copy !req
619. So, yes, Morrison Sandwiches
could be deadly,Copy !req
620. but Morrison's sandwiches
are, of course, delicious.Copy !req
621. How do all-female military battles
differ from all-male ones?Copy !req
622. They all tidy up afterwards.Copy !req
623. So sweet!Copy !req
624. Female battles? I don't think humans
have ever had an all-female war.Copy !req
625. No, I wouldn't have thought so.Copy !req
626. The Amazons were supposedly female
soldiers, but they fought men.Copy !req
627. The reason there has never been
an all-female warCopy !req
628. is there's plenty of me
to go round, I think.Copy !req
629. They might have to bail out.Copy !req
630. Oh, lawks!Copy !req
631. - So, we are not talking about
human beings, in that case. - Oh!Copy !req
632. - Oh, an animal war. - An animal war,Copy !req
633. - conducted purely by females
of that species. - Mosquitoes.Copy !req
634. - Is it the praying mantis?
- Not mosquitoes, but... - Rabbits?Copy !req
635. You were right with insects. Bees?Copy !req
636. - Bees! - A bee war. - Bees went to war?Copy !req
637. - Yes, bees' war on other hives,
other colonies. - Lady bees?Copy !req
638. - Yes, Australian stingless bees...
- The Queen bee?Copy !req
639. The Queen is the one
who doesn't fight,Copy !req
640. but all the other females,
who are sterile...Copy !req
641. - Are there other female bees?
- Yes, but they are sterile.Copy !req
642. They launch a turf war
against another colony.Copy !req
643. The main attack method is
to bite the leg or wing.Copy !req
644. But because they have six legs,Copy !req
645. they can keep going
until they have got no legs left.Copy !req
646. - These are not British bees...?
- No, Australian. - Oh, right!Copy !req
647. British bees would never...
Yes, yes!Copy !req
648. They would leave them at home,
making honey!Copy !req
649. - British lady bees, exactly.
- British bees wouldn't bite legs off.Copy !req
650. So...Copy !req
651. - When the victory... - There are
some weird animals in Australia.Copy !req
652. There are.Copy !req
653. The colony that wins,
they install their QueenCopy !req
654. and kick out all the others,
who are left to die,Copy !req
655. - because they can't survive unless
they are in a colony. - Oh, charming!Copy !req
656. Yes, it's all rather grim.Copy !req
657. In Scouting For Boys...Copy !req
658. Sorry, your hobby...?Copy !req
659. It is a strange title.Copy !req
660. It is, of course, by the founder
of the Scouting movement...Copy !req
661. Baden Powell.Copy !req
662. What does one think of a man who can
say something like this?Copy !req
663. He said of bees,
"They are quite a model community,Copy !req
664. "for they respect their Queen
and kill their unemployed."Copy !req
665. - Does he say that? - Yup!Copy !req
666. What begins with M that
you could shoot with one of these?Copy !req
667. Those guys are tiny!Copy !req
668. A mallard.Copy !req
669. A mallard is very good, absolutely.
You recognise what that is?Copy !req
670. - It's a punt gun.
- It is indeed a punt gun.Copy !req
671. - There's a few punters in. - Yeah...!Copy !req
672. You're good on guns,
aren't you, Jeremy?Copy !req
673. Well, I shot one of those,
but I shot a clay pigeon with it.Copy !req
674. And proved
that a man can actually fly.Copy !req
675. So don't tell me
you weren't on a punt?Copy !req
676. No, I wasn't on a punt and there's
a sort of momentum thing goesCopy !req
677. and you get it going
and then you just can't stop it.Copy !req
678. And I was airborne for 20 minutes.Copy !req
679. That's one of the reasons
they have them on punts is...Copy !req
680. - I mean, the boat goes backwards.
- That's the point.Copy !req
681. You could fire that in NorfolkCopy !req
682. and you would wind up in Stavanger
three weeks laterCopy !req
683. doing 300mph.Copy !req
684. More or less true. But also,
more distressingly, perhaps,Copy !req
685. if you like waterfowl,Copy !req
686. one shot can destroy
up to 50 at a time.Copy !req
687. - So you could have...
- So is it shot like a shotgun?Copy !req
688. Yeah, it's just
a huge amount of blast.Copy !req
689. I mean, I know you're a vegetablist,
which is fine...Copy !req
690. What I don't understand about theseCopy !req
691. is that if you actually hit a duck,
it vaporised it.Copy !req
692. And apart from licking
the lake or the grass...Copy !req
693. .. there's no nutritional value
from an atomised layer.Copy !req
694. You're pretty much right.Copy !req
695. Seriously, why do they have
such a great big gun for it?Copy !req
696. Well, it was used in the United
States of America, of course... Ah!Copy !req
697. ..in the early part
of the 19th century.Copy !req
698. But even the Americans realisedCopy !req
699. they were going to deplete
their waterways just too much.Copy !req
700. So, by 1860, it was banned.
You couldn't use it any more.Copy !req
701. - And then they use hand grenades now.
- Yes. They do, yeah.Copy !req
702. I got picked up, this is another gun
story, and I apologise, Sheila,Copy !req
703. but I got picked up by a man once
at an airport in PhoenixCopy !req
704. and he was a big noise in the NRA
and we had very little in common.Copy !req
705. And he drove along
in complete silenceCopy !req
706. and he just turned to me
after about ten minutes and went,Copy !req
707. "What is your personal preference
of firearm?"Copy !req
708. As a small talk.
That was small talk.Copy !req
709. - "I don't really have one, mate."
- And you said punt gun.Copy !req
710. "Punt gun, mate."Copy !req
711. Yeah, I should have done.Copy !req
712. I tried that earlier with Sheila.
We didn't really hit it off.Copy !req
713. I almost want to go
to a rifle range with youCopy !req
714. to see you with one of these guns.Copy !req
715. You're obviously hopeless at it.Copy !req
716. The punt gun was used to massacre
mallards, Muscovy ducks,Copy !req
717. mergansers and other mother-duckers.Copy !req
718. From ducks to Drakes.Copy !req
719. What was the name
of the fleet of shipsCopy !req
720. that got its arse kicked in 1589
during the Anglo-Spanish War?Copy !req
721. The Spanish Armada.Copy !req
722. - Oh, taking one for the team now.
- Well, I knew that would come.Copy !req
723. Yeah. That was 1588,
the Spanish Armada. Oh.Copy !req
724. Is this the next year?
The next year.Copy !req
725. They came back and had another go?
No, this is what's so interesting.Copy !req
726. This is the English Armada.Copy !req
727. What's interesting is we just don't
teach this in schools,Copy !req
728. but it's a far worse defeat
on the English.Copy !req
729. Was this Cadiz?Copy !req
730. No, Cadiz was singeing the King
of Spain's beard, as it was called.Copy !req
731. - It was a success. - Cadiz is pronounced
Cardiff, by the way.Copy !req
732. Cadiz. Cadiz.Copy !req
733. But if you say Cardiff,Copy !req
734. you're much closer to the way
the Spanish say it.Copy !req
735. - As I've found out. - Oh, really?Copy !req
736. Just say Cardiff and they go,
"Oh, si, si. That way."Copy !req
737. You walked to it?Copy !req
738. If you say Cadiz, they go, "Que?"Copy !req
739. But, anyway,
it's nothing to do with Cadiz.Copy !req
740. Was it the one where we went
and did too long?Copy !req
741. No, what's interesting about this
is that the English had a plan.Copy !req
742. Having seen off the Spanish Armada,Copy !req
743. Drake, filled with confidence,Copy !req
744. thought they would really defeat
Philip II of SpainCopy !req
745. and we would really finish the job.Copy !req
746. Instead of which, we lost 40 ships
and it was an utter disaster.Copy !req
747. But they don't teach it
in English schools.Copy !req
748. The Spanish Armada that is taught
a lot and we celebrateCopy !req
749. was not really that much
of a triumph, to be honest.Copy !req
750. We didn't sink their ships
in the great battle.Copy !req
751. The fire ships that Drake invented
to send into themCopy !req
752. didn't destroy any Spanish shipping.Copy !req
753. So it was just not really
that great a triumph.Copy !req
754. It was the wind that beat them,
not really Drake.Copy !req
755. But where... What... I've forgotten
what the question was about 1589?Copy !req
756. What was the name of the fleet
of ships that got its arse kicked?Copy !req
757. Oh, it's the name of the fleet
of ships. I don't know.Copy !req
758. - It was the English Armada.
- Oh, was it? Yeah.Copy !req
759. - Yeah, well, I don't want to learn
about that. - No!Copy !req
760. - I learnt about HMS Victory. - Mm.Copy !req
761. And they used 60,000 trees
to make HMS Victory.Copy !req
762. They would grow oak trees
and when they were saplings,Copy !req
763. they would tie ropes round themCopy !req
764. so that branches would grow
into bends, because they needed...Copy !req
765. To make the hulls and the keel,
you needed oak in that shape,Copy !req
766. - so the growing of the oak was an
extraordinary... - Amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
767. Extraordinary expertise
went into it.Copy !req
768. The year after the Spanish Armada,Copy !req
769. an English Armada was soundly
beaten by Spain.Copy !req
770. But we don't really like
to talk about it.Copy !req
771. That was something that people
are generally ignorant about.Copy !req
772. And here are some more.Copy !req
773. Fingers on buzzers, if you please.Copy !req
774. I'll give you 100 points
if you can name one of the countriesCopy !req
775. where either the first or last shots
of the First World War were fired.Copy !req
776. - Well...
- It's worth it, for 100 points.Copy !req
777. France.Copy !req
778. Germany, England...Copy !req
779. It's where that guy, the king,
the man was shot in the carrier.Copy !req
780. - .. Austria, Turkey. - Where was that?Copy !req
781. Well, that first shot in Sarajevo
was not the shot of the war.Copy !req
782. It's what caused the war later.Copy !req
783. Oh, you mean soldiers shooting.Copy !req
784. Once the war was under way,Copy !req
785. - the first shot that was actually
fired in it... - Romania.Copy !req
786. - The Isle of Man. - Denmark.Copy !req
787. - Jersey. - No. I'll tell you.Copy !req
788. It was Togoland.Copy !req
789. That was the next thing
I was going to say.Copy !req
790. Where is Togoland?Copy !req
791. Next to Disneyland.Copy !req
792. It is now called Togo,
but it was called Togoland then.Copy !req
793. It's the middle of the Pacific,
isn't it? Somewhere a long way away.Copy !req
794. No, you may be thinking of Tonga
or something. This is Africa.Copy !req
795. It was a German colony.
And on the 4th August, 1914,Copy !req
796. the British Empire
declared war on GermanyCopy !req
797. and three days later
it attacked Togoland,Copy !req
798. - Germany's small, but strategic colony
there. - Is that Namibia-y way, then?Copy !req
799. No, it's much further up, near
the Gold Coast, that sort of area.Copy !req
800. And Regimental Sergeant Major
Alhaji GrunshiCopy !req
801. was the first to shoot back
when the German-led police forceCopy !req
802. shot the approaching British forces,
colonial forces.Copy !req
803. He was obviously
better at it than Jeremy. Yeah!Copy !req
804. - So he became...
- Did he actually hit anything?Copy !req
805. He didn't necessarily hit anybody,Copy !req
806. but he became the first member
of the British Army
to fire a shot in the war.Copy !req
807. Because I'd be the perfect
armed guard for a Quaker meeting.Copy !req
808. You would! You would!Copy !req
809. I'm loving everything
that you're so bad with guns.Copy !req
810. - You missed again. - Yes, I have.Copy !req
811. But the war also ended in Africa,
in fact.Copy !req
812. The last actual battle took placeCopy !req
813. on a golf course in Northern
Rhodesia, which is now called Zambia.Copy !req
814. They stopped fighting eventually,Copy !req
815. but German troops fought on for agesCopy !req
816. in what is now Tanzania,
Tanganyika as it was.Copy !req
817. And they surrendered
on November 25th, 1918.Copy !req
818. If you shoot someone
on a golf course,Copy !req
819. is it considered polite
to shout "Fore!"?Copy !req
820. You'd think it would be the least
you could do. Probably.Copy !req
821. So, yes, 14 days after the Armistice
was the last shot of the warCopy !req
822. that anybody can find,
which was in Tanganyika.Copy !req
823. So, yeah, the first shots
of World War I were fired in Togo,Copy !req
824. the last in Tanganyika.Copy !req
825. And, finally, our last question.Copy !req
826. What happened
to the last of the Mohicans?Copy !req
827. He had a haircut.Copy !req
828. Wild West show?
Well, what is a Mohican?Copy !req
829. A hairstyle.
Well, aside from a hairstyle, yes.Copy !req
830. Well, it's an Indian.
Native American tribe, is it?Copy !req
831. - Oh, no, wait... - You said what?Copy !req
832. Have I... I've gone and trodden
on one of those land mines.Copy !req
833. Because you can't say Indian,
can you?Copy !req
834. What do I say, Native American?Copy !req
835. No, actually you can say Indian.Copy !req
836. I found, doing a documentary
all over the reservations...Copy !req
837. - I can say it?
- .. they called each other Indians.Copy !req
838. I nearly got fired for that once.Copy !req
839. Things go around, don't they?Copy !req
840. The American Indian Movement
is the premier political bodyCopy !req
841. fighting for the rights
of American IndiansCopy !req
842. and they call themselves
the American Indian Movement, AIM.Copy !req
843. It's a whole new world since I left.Copy !req
844. There are two sets of
Native Americans, American Indians,Copy !req
845. that have been known as Mohicans.Copy !req
846. They're the Mohegans,
who live in ConnecticutCopy !req
847. and run the Casino of the Sky.Copy !req
848. Yeah, the Mohegan Sun Casino,
I've been there.Copy !req
849. - It's called Mohegans, is it?
- Mohegan, yeah.Copy !req
850. And then the Mahicans or Ma-he-cans,Copy !req
851. also provide a gambling service
for youCopy !req
852. at the North Star Mohican Resort
in Wisconsin,Copy !req
853. known as "the Midwest's
Friendliest Casino".Copy !req
854. Yeah.Copy !req
855. The guy on the right there
is rubbish.Copy !req
856. He is.Copy !req
857. The worst Native American ever.Copy !req
858. It doesn't work, does it?
Not joining in, is he?Copy !req
859. He's going, "No-one told me we were
supposed to dress as Indians!"Copy !req
860. "I look ridiculous!"Copy !req
861. The Mohican hairstyle,
which you've alluded to,Copy !req
862. is only called that in Britain.Copy !req
863. - What do they call it in America?
- Something ridiculous.Copy !req
864. - They call it Mohawk. - A Mohawk!Copy !req
865. Yeah, but actually, neither Mohicans,
neither the Mohegan...Copy !req
866. Whichever one you choose, none
of them had their hair like that.Copy !req
867. Nor do Mohawks
have their hair like that.Copy !req
868. It's the Pawnees
who have their hair cut like that.Copy !req
869. But for some reason,
Mohawk and Mohican is there.Copy !req
870. So, we haven't seen
the last of the Mohicans.Copy !req
871. They're still coining it
in their casinos.Copy !req
872. Ker-ching, ker-ching, chin-go
ker-chook-chook-chook, ching ching.Copy !req
873. As Neville Chamberlain said,Copy !req
874. "In war, no matter which side may
call itself the victor,Copy !req
875. "there are no winners,
all are losers."Copy !req
876. And so it is with QI.Copy !req
877. But let's see who is the least
losing of them all.Copy !req
878. Lord, oh, bless my blimey...Copy !req
879. Well, I have to say,
it's a fantastic scoreCopy !req
880. for a first-time performance.Copy !req
881. Wow! Look at that!Copy !req
882. Quaking away at minus 2
is Sheila Hancock!Copy !req
883. In second place, with minus 8,
it's Jimmy Carr.Copy !req
884. Minus 8 is good, that's great.Copy !req
885. In third place, going great guns,
it's Jeremy.Copy !req
886. Minus 13.Copy !req
887. Which means... How did you do that?Copy !req
888. And only just last is...Copy !req
889. Alan on minus 14.Copy !req
890. That's all from Sheila, Jimmy,
Jeremy, Alan and me.Copy !req
891. And I leave you
with this deep thoughtCopy !req
892. of American humorist Jack Handy.Copy !req
893. "I can picture in my mind
a world without war,Copy !req
894. "a world without hateCopy !req
895. "and I can picture us
attacking that world,Copy !req
896. "because they'd never expect it."Copy !req
897. Good night.Copy !req