QI 13x17

1. This programme contains some strong language.

2. Very goooo-oo-ood evening, good evening,

3. good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

4. and welcome to QI.

5. Now, a magpie's real name is a pie. It's a pie.

6. Then where does the "mag" come from?

7. - Margaret. - Yeah, Margaret. - Was it?

8. - Yeah. - Margaret pie?

9. Where did that come from?

10. Margaret pie.

11. In medieval England, it was common to give birds

12. a Christian name, sometimes,

13. and the ones that have survived have included magpie.

14. - Which other ones can you...? - Robin. - Robin.

15. - Robin redbreast. - Robin redbreast.

16. Robin's the only one where the first name is the one that's kept...

17. - Dave Starling. - Sorry? LAUGHTER

18. - Joseph Starling? - No, big Dave Starling.

19. Joseph would have been funny.

20. Joseph Starling is good, yeah. I like that. I prefer that.

21. - Not as funny as Dave, but it's better. - Yeah.

22. - Tomtit. Jenny Wren. - Tomtit, yeah.

23. Charlie Crow.

24. - So, there are a few of them. - Christopher Chaffinch.

25. - We had an injured bird in the garden yesterday... - Oh.

26. .. and it looked like a magpie, and it couldn't take off,

27. and I was watching it for ages. I didn't know what to do with it,

28. so I opened the back gate and shooed it out.

29. Oh, dear.

30. - What do you think it was, then? What make? - "The back gate."

31. - I think it was a young crow... - Yeah.

32. .. that was having a bit of trouble with flight

33. - cos it flew into a bush... - Oh, dear. - .. and I presume it's dead by now.

34. - That's it? You...?

35. - And that's the end of tonight's Springwatch. - Yes.

36. What could you have done with it?

37. - I don't know. What are you going to do with a bird? - Shoot it.

38. - Take it out. - Shoot the...

39. - Sniper's rifle through the brain. - I could have gone after it

40. cos it was in the garden and couldn't get out.

41. I could have easily got it with a tennis racket.

42. - Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

43. Just scoop it up with a tennis racket

44. - and hit it with a frying pan...

45. .. and chuck it over the wall. That's what I would do.

46. Then its parents would have come and ate it, wouldn't they?

47. - Even if it is Hampstead.

48. It's wild for them, though.

49. They'd have had it in a coulis.

50. A crow couscous.

51. - With some quinoa.

52. - I wonder what its name was. - Clive, I expect.

53. - No, I think it was Vel. - Vel?

54. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

55. Now, what begins with M that you could shoot with one of these?

56. - Those guys are tiny.

57. - A mallard. - Mallard is very good. Absolutely.

58. You recognise what that is?

59. - It's a punt gun. - It is indeed a punt gun.

60. There's a few punters in.

61. You're good on guns, aren't you, Jeremy?

62. Well, I shot one of those, but I shot a clay pigeon with it...

63. - Oh! - .. and proved that a man can actually fly.

64. So, don't tell me you weren't on a punt?

65. No, I wasn't on a punt, and there's a sort of momentum thing goes.

66. You get it going and then you just can't stop it,

67. - and I was airborne for 20 minutes.

68. That's one of the reasons they have them on punts is...

69. - I mean, the boat goes backwards. - That's the point.

70. You could fire that at Norfolk and you would wind up in Stavanger

71. - three weeks later.

72. More or less true. But also, more distressingly, perhaps,

73. if you like the waterfowl, one shot can destroy up to 50 at a time.

74. - So, you've got to have the... - Is it shot like a shotgun?

75. Yeah, it's just a huge amount of blast.

76. No, but, I mean, I know you're a vegetableist,

77. - which is fine, but...

78. .. what I don't understand about these

79. is that if you actually hit a duck,

80. - it vaporised it.

81. And apart from licking the lake or the grass...

82. - .. there's no nutritional value

83. - from an atomised... - You're pretty much right.

84. - What are your monsters called? - We've got... On Dartmoor? - Yeah.

85. We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?

86. - Which is a... - No. - You get it when you're about 15.

87. The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhere

88. - if you were driving along the B3021... - Pissed.

89. .. and it would steer you off the road.

90. - But there's... - "Officer!" - "Officer!"

91. It smelt of cider, didn't it?

92. - It dropped its pint on me,

93. - and then it drove me off the road.

94. One of the people that claimed

95. he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,

96. he described it as invisible.

97. Oh, bless him for trying.

98. There are lots of places in the UK named after mammaries.

99. - Can you name one? - Boob Town.

100. "Boob Town!" LAUGHTER

101. - No, can you name some real ones? - Great Tit-chfield.

102. - The Mountains of Boob.

103. - "The Mountains of Boob!"

104. Press your buzzer.

105. - 'Man United!' - Manchester? - Yes!

106. - It was Mam-chester originally. - No. - As in mammary, yes.

107. And it's got "chest" in it as well.

108. - Yeah.

109. - It's an incredibly rudely-named place. - It's double.

110. - Full breasts - the mammaries and the chest. - Yeah.

111. And there's Nippleton as well, isn't there?

112. Yes, from the Celtic "mam",

113. - you've got Mam Tor in Derbyshire. - Jugsford.

114. Racksbury.

115. Memford.

116. - Great Titi. - Bazookaville. LAUGHTER

117. Rackton.

118. Oh, dear. Gracious.

119. The Paps of Anu in Ireland are named after the breasts of...

120. And there's a Pap of Glencoe and a Maiden Pap in Scotland.

121. - There's Papworth. - Papworth. Absolutely, yes.

122. There's a hospital there.

123. - And what about Titty Hill in West Sussex? - What about it?

124. It exists,

125. - but it's not named after breasts. - No, of course not.

126. - What's it named after? - Sir Malcolm Titty.

127. It's so silly, it's funny.

128. His assistant named it when they both discovered it.

129. "What do you think we should call this?"

130. - "I think we should name it after you, Titty." - "Titty Hill?"

131. - "You found it, Titty."

132. "We're not going to name it after you, Big Dick."

133. Silly Carry On lines. Oh, dear.

134. I used to do a bit of stand-up about this thing that I found.

135. - That sounds great. - Sounds brilliant.

136. What it was, we were doing a Secret Santa, right?

137. And it was a £10 limit.

138. And I went in...

139. There was quite a good adult shop on the Essex Road,

140. and for under £10, the only thing they offered was anal hoopla.

141. - Anal hoopla consists of a stick...

142. .. that goes... Guess where.

143. And three hoops.

144. - That's... that's the actual game. - It's an icebreaker.

145. - It's an icebreaker.

146. If you think things have gone a bit flat in the bedroom area...

147. - "Come on!" - I mean, the tone of this show

148. - is so difficult to get right. - I'm sorry.

149. I'm just... I'm recalibrating.

150. - All this anal hoopla. - Who would have predicted anal hoopla?

151. On the front of it - on the front of the packet -

152. is a cartoon drawing a bit like a saucy postcard

153. of two people playing it,

154. as if they couldn't get anyone to actually demo it.

155. - I dare say it doesn't work. - Where was this for sale?

156. - At the Arsenal football ground?

157. - Thank you. - That's Klingon for, "Anal hoopla?"

158. - "No, thanks."

159. - "Let's play Scrabble."

160. Now, on the subject of probability, you've got this...

161. It's really interesting. It's a probability issue.

162. You want a pack of cards each.

163. - I can't catch. - Oh, well caught. We've got some for you.

164. So, I want you to take the cards out and give them a good shuffle.

165. - Good shuffle. I'm going to do the same. - Ooh.

166. - Beautifully done. - Sorry, boys.

167. And Sandi has been... Look at her.

168. She's like a croupier. Jesus!

169. Very good. APPLAUSE

170. - Very good. - Yes, I've shuffled.

171. - I've riffled, shuffled. - Yeah. - Not a gambler?

172. So, can you shove your cards in here?

173. - Oh. All right, then. - All right, thank you.

174. I'll give them a really good shake.

175. Is this going to be one of those Derren Brown ones

176. - where we all can't eat for a week or something? - No, no, no.

177. Anyway, there you go. All right.

178. It's just about probability. It's not a big deal.

179. Is there anything you can't turn your hand to, Stephen?

180. - Now it's magic. - You haven't seen me turn my hand to anything yet.

181. OK, and I'll put my cards in as well. There we go.

182. All right, give them all a good shake.

183. All right, so, you take one card out. Don't look.

184. And if you can put it close to your chest, but not...

185. - No, no, don't look. - I've looked. I know what it is.

186. Well, it doesn't matter.

187. The point is to shove it close to your chest so that that's...

188. - That's not your chest, darling.

189. The reason to shove it close to your chest

190. - is so that when you reveal it, it's camera height. - Oh, right.

191. That's all it is, all right? So, take one out. Feel it.

192. Yeah, very good. Very good. All right, I'll do the same.

193. All right, all right, I'll do the same.

194. OK, so, there is a possibility, but a very unlikely possibility,

195. - that two of the cards will be the same. - OK.

196. So, Sandi, you'll reveal your card. LAUGHTER

197. Yours is the six of clubs. All right. OK.

198. And you'll reveal your... Oh, my God.

199. - Oh! - Alan?

200. No. Oh, my God.

201. And mine as well. Oh, there you go. Funny.

202. How can that happen?

203. There it is.

204. - Burn him. - He's a witch.

205. - There you are. OK. - He's a witch.

206. - That's a very good trick. - Thank you very much. - Very good.

207. - Very good at cards. - Thank you.

208. Now, what kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume?

209. - Oh, God. Whoa!

210. That should have had a warning. Whoa.

211. That is... fucking horrible, sorry.

212. - Whoa!

213. - Still there. - Oh. Ah!

214. Oh, my God.

215. - OK, now there's a still image of one. - Yeah.

216. - It's not moving any more. - Oh! I'm just going to look at Phil.

217. - Eyes on me. Eyes on me. Eyes on me. - It's all right, Phil. It's OK.

218. - OK, I'm...

219. That was naughty.

220. - Sorry. - Oh, I'm sorry. - What a pathetic reaction. That's...

221. No, please. I'd be the same, if not for all the therapy.

222. We should have asked.

223. We should have asked if you had a problem.

224. - It's not moving, so that's OK. It's not moving. - No. They're big.

225. It must be said they are very big

226. and they're called Goliath bird-eating spiders.

227. But it's never eaten a bird in its life.

228. Well, that one may not have done

229. because it's very, very rare for them to eat birds.

230. It just so happens the person who discovered it

231. happened upon one eating a hummingbird

232. and so called it a bird-eating spider.

233. That's like, in your family, when you do something once.

234. Yeah, exactly. LAUGHTER

235. It's like, "Oh, Cariad always gets sick on holiday."

236. - And you're like, "It was one time."

237. Oh, Poland-invading Adolf.

238. "Once, I invade Poland!"

239. Now, here's an interesting effect. Listen to this.

240. - What was being said? - Is that the Devil?

241. It was the Devil, but do you know what he was saying?

242. "I'm going to be late. Put the dinner on."

243. Have another listen.

244. Now, the chances are you just didn't understand what he was saying,

245. but if you heard it said, clearly,

246. then listen again to that distorted sound.

247. And so this is what was being said.

248. - 'Try saying "blue whale".

249. 'That's bound to come up eventually.'

250. - LAUGHTER Isn't it extraordinary? - Wow!

251. - Hear that again. - 'Try saying "blue whale".

252. 'That's bound to come up eventually.'

253. - Yeah! - You really can hear it, can't you?

254. - It just sounds like he's saying it with a cold. - That's right.

255. It's amazing what the human brain can process.

256. But it needs a little bit of information.

257. From that apparently random sound

258. that you thought you could never, ever understand,

259. once you're told what it is,

260. you can instantly imprint the structure of it.

261. It's amazing, I think.

262. Now, who has the best teeth in the world?

263. - I really like this question and the answer. - The Bee Gees.

264. The Bee Gees. They had good teeth.

265. - John Bishop. - I'm looking for a nation.

266. - I'm looking for a people. - Americans.

267. Did you say Americans?

268. No, I didn't say it.

269. - Is it Scandinavians? It must be the Scandinavians. - No.

270. The British have the best teeth in the world.

271. It's true.

272. - We win again!

273. Yeah, according to the OECD -

274. the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development,

275. - the international body... - Well remembered.

276. .. they looked at all the different nations

277. and they found that, according to fillings and decay

278. and so on, that British children had the best teeth on planet Earth.

279. Did they just go to one particular school in Nottingham?

280. LAUGHTER I don't think so.

281. Yeah, but they said that's cos we've got less fillings.

282. Maybe it's cos we don't go to the dentist at all.

283. Fewer fillings. Fewer fillings.

284. No... AUDIENCE GROANS

285. - I'm just being silly. - Stephen, knock, knock.

286. - Yeah, who's there? - To.

287. - To who? - No, it's "to whom".

288. - Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che! - Yes.

289. - Alan. - Hello. - Let's bring this to a beautiful, beautiful conclusion.

290. Cariad has been bitten by a snake. SHE LAUGHS

291. What's happening to me? This is not I'm A Celebrity...

292. What should you do?

293. - Suck her.

294. In every sense, no.

295. - You can't afford it, love.

296. Even when you've been bitten by a cobra,

297. - you're going to haggle prices. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

298. You'd soon drop your prices once you've tried it.

299. Oh, dear. All right.

300. - You tourniquet it. You... - No.

301. Nor even a tourniquet.

302. Guys, I'm dying. You haven't told me. What's happened?

303. - I've been bitten by a snake. - Stay still. - The spider's coming.

304. If you stay still so it doesn't go round your blood.

305. - Is that in there? - Well, if you're not near a car.

306. But drive her to a hospital. LAUGHTER

307. - Where are you taking me? - Take the snake if you can.

308. Yeah, exactly. Or a photograph of it.

309. No, I didn't say a selfie.

310. Is this when...? You know when you HAVE to be awake at ten to five?

311. - Oh, yeah. - No matter what happens, you HAVE to be awake at ten to five.

312. And miraculously, you are awake at ten to five.

313. - That's an alarm clock, love.

314. No, I have that too. I do, definitely. It's extraordinary.

315. - So, is that the same kind of...? - Works very well.

316. At school, if we were going on a, you know, little dawn raid

317. - or something like that, you know, they'd say... - Sorry?

318. Do a raid on the kitchens and steal jelly and things.

319. I forgot you grew up in an Enid Blyton novel.

320. To get your catapult back from the teacher?

321. You would do this onto the pillow.

322. You'd go, "One, two, three, four," like that,

323. and you'd wake up at four in the morning.

324. - It always seemed to work. - No!

325. - I can't remember a time when it didn't work. - That is bullshit.

326. OK. LAUGHTER

327. - I totally agree, Sarah.

328. It may be a false memory I've got, but it's a very clear one.

329. If it's so true,

330. - I want you to give us your phone and alarm clock... - Mm-hm.

331. .. and never use it again to wake yourself up...

332. - .. and just use the head hitting.

333. It all changes when you get an enlarged prostate.

334. And do you still hit it four times on the pillow?

335. - Something that Blyton didn't cover much. - She didn't, did she?

336. - Not lashings of enlarged prostate. - No. - Oh, dear.

337. Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.

338. And now for a question about metamor...

339. What happened?

340. What happened while I was reading the...?

341. I had my back turned to you when I was looking at the blackboard.

342. - What...? - Nothing, sir. - I don't know, sir.

343. Sir, David showed me a picture of a penis, sir.

344. - And then he showed me that, sir.

345. - Not that one. - That is not a penis.

346. - Look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir. - I never did that.

347. That is nothing like a penis.

348. What's wrong with his penis if he draws one like that?

349. - He drew a penis on the world.

350. That's got to be... That's illegal, isn't it?

351. Oh, Lord.

352. I'm going to get a glass of water

353. and I'll get a teaspoon.

354. - Right. - Oh, I'll just... To prove that it is water, I'll drink it.

355. - That just proves it might be vodka.

356. - It proves at least that it's not sulphuric acid or something... - Yeah.

357. .. because what I'm going to do

358. is try and make this teaspoon disappear.

359. It may not work.

360. I'm not a good magician.

361. I'm a great magician.

362. And so we stir it here and I...

363. Oh, don't... Oh, no...

364. Oh, it might not work, it might work, I don't know.

365. I'm, oh...

366. Yeah, it seems to have worked.

367. - Ooh.

368. - Wow!

369. There you are. Thank you.

370. In fact, on this occasion, it wasn't a magic trick

371. and it's something you can do.

372. I'll give you your water and you'll notice the water is rather warm.

373. - Ooh, it's warm. - It's warm water. - Warm water.

374. And I'll give you a couple of spoons.

375. They are metal, they're metal spoons, but the metal...

376. - Are they made out of Alka-Seltzer?

377. They might as well be. They're made out of gallium.

378. And gallium is a metal...

379. - A very useful metal. - Let's have a look.

380. .. but it has the quality that it melts,

381. - as Alan is showing, in water. - Good Lord.

382. Oh, you wouldn't want that of your teaspoon, would you?

383. No, it wouldn't make a practical teaspoon.

384. - That's lasting less time than a biscuit. - Yeah.

385. - That's it. - Look at that.

386. Now, if you stir it, it'll happen more quickly.

387. - Oh, good Lord, look at that. - Ah, jeez. - That is...

388. That would be the most annoying teaspoon in the world.

389. - It really would, wouldn't it? - "Now... Oh."

390. But it's, like, Terminator's teaspoon.

391. Yeah, exactly. Terminator 2, it should be said.

392. Yes. Terminator two-spoon.

393. Hey!

394. - Scuba diving. When they go caving with scuba diving... - Oh, yeah.

395. .. they take tanks with them

396. because you can't get all the way in in one tank.

397. - Scary. - So, you do this incredibly dangerous thing

398. where you lug down some tanks and you leave a tank.

399. - You've got to remember where you've left them. - Exactly.

400. If you can't find it on the way back, you'll die.

401. So, very important that you remember...

402. - "Just once..."

403. "You were supposed to remember where the tank was.

404. - "That was your only job." - "Well, what's the worst that could happen?"

405. LAUGHTER "Cooee! I moved it. Guess where."

406. "Hilarious. I'm moving his tank. This'll be funny. Watch this."

407. "I tell you what, then he died.

408. "You should have seen the look on his dead face."

409. So, now, how would this bird make an offer you couldn't refuse?

410. Oh, yeah. That bird. He does your tax returns.

411. It's called a brown-headed cowbird, rather unimaginatively.

412. It's got a brown head and it's on a cow.

413. I just don't want to know how it got the brown head.

414. - I don't want to think about how it got the brown head. - Oh, stop it.

415. - "That's as far as I can go!"

416. "All right, that'll do. Now flap your wings."

417. - "I can't!"

418. You haven't seen the cow's legs. They're blue.

419. We have to forget the cow in this instance,

420. other than the fact that it's in its name.

421. It is a parasitic bird in a sense. A brood parasite.

422. As I say, it's parasitic in the way

423. - that it occupies a host's birthing place. - A womb.

424. Not womb in this case cos they don't have wombs exactly, do they, birds?

425. - Oh, I thought it was in the cow. - Oh, no, no, it's the bird.

426. - It's the bird that's the parasite. - Oh, OK. - It's a brood parasite.

427. It lays its eggs in someone else's nest.

428. I'd love if it was the cow that was the parasite.

429. Living off the bird.

430. That would be such a flaw

431. for a parasite to have to wait for the bird to land on you.

432. Just running around getting underneath birds.

433. Yeah, it's a brood parasite.

434. - It lays its egg like that, as does, more famously, our... - Cuckoo.

435. - Cuckoo. - Cuckoo, yes. Cuckoo's the great British brood parasite.

436. - That nest wasn't on the back of that cow, was it? - No.

437. I did say, "Forget the cow,"

438. but I knew that wouldn't be a helpful remark.

439. I couldn't forget the cow, Stephen.

440. It's a question of why the birds put up with it.

441. Why does the one that lays the blue eggs, in this instance,

442. allow that to happen?

443. Why didn't they just get rid of the egg?

444. The answer is it does... once.

445. If it tries it, the bird that's laid that egg will come back

446. - and absolutely destroy the nest and everything in it. - Wow.

447. And the mother bird learns this

448. and next time laboriously builds a new nest,

449. laboriously lays her own eggs.

450. Next time a brown-headed cowbird comes along to lay their egg,

451. they go, "You can have it. Honestly, I'll look after it.

452. "No problem." It's basically a protection racket.

453. They're gangster birds, hence the phrase,

454. - "Make you an offer you can't refuse." - Oh.

455. - But it works. - So, which one...?

456. Was it the one with the blue eggs or the other one?

457. The blue eggs is, like, the nice guy who runs the Italian delicatessen...

458. - Exactly. - .. with his family all these years,

459. and then the other egg is the guy who comes round going...

460. - "You gonna look after my egg?"

461. "You'll find a job for my boy."

462. "You see this egg? You know what I'm gonna do to this egg?

463. "If you don't look after the other egg..."

464. And then he throws it out.

465. Eventually, cos it's evolution,

466. they'll start spraying their own blue egg that brown colour.

467. "Hey, someone's already done me. Leave it."

468. You're right. That's quite likely, isn't it?

469. Why haven't they evolved just to lay enough eggs so there's no gap?

470. - That's what I would do.

471. Good point.

472. - So, pay attention now. It's time for a magical, money-making moment. - Oh.

473. Yes. I've got a proper, proper printing press here. It's very...

474. It's a rather exciting one, and as you can see,

475. it's got all the bells and whistles.

476. And it's even got a little calibration here. Can you see?

477. It's on ten. I'm going to move it up to 20. So, I've got a 20...

478. .. sized one here. I hope this works.

479. It takes a long time to fill it with ink,

480. so if it doesn't work, I'm not going to do it twice.

481. - Oh, yes. That works. Oh, good. There you are. - Oh, wow.

482. There you are. APPLAUSE

483. Oh, there we go.

484. Stephen, one of the options is a 100.

485. - I just want to see what one of them looks like. - OK.

486. Um... Oh. Oh.

487. There we go. And...

488. Oh. Oh, it's a 50. It should be 100.

489. - Oh, it is 100. - Ah. - There you are. 100.

490. Now, how many paintings did Vincent Van Gogh,

491. or "Goch," or "Gough," or "Go"...

492. How many did he sell while he was alive?

493. Don't say none.

494. - None! I'm going to say none.

495. - D'oh! - D'oh!

496. Really, I'm afraid...

497. - One. - A few, maybe?

498. "A few."

499. It was lots. He sold hundreds of paintings.

500. - Hundreds? - Yeah, when he was 15, he used to work in an art gallery.

501. - Oh, shut up!

502. It's true. I just asked you how many paintings...

503. This is the closest I've come to walking out of this show.

504. I'd like a recount on those two.

505. It was a horribly mean question,

506. but the fact is he did sell hundreds.

507. They just weren't his own. BILL GROANS

508. I know, I'm sorry, but, look, I did say...

509. Oh, the chairman of the Pedantic Association.

510. "It's actually the Society of Pedantics,

511. - "but I'll let that go." - Yes, exactly. In fact.

512. I've never had, in 14 years,

513. people eating sweets in the front row.

514. - What the hell? - And I can't think about anything else except...

515. Well done.

516. - Thanks. - You can have them back at the end of the lesson.

517. I feel really bad for those people cos obviously,

518. you're just sat there watching an episode of QI

519. and then, suddenly, the telly gets up...

520. - .. and nicks your sweets. - It should happen more often!

521. "I didn't press the red button. What's going on?"

522. Now, describe the plot of, or sing a song from,

523. the popular musical The Bathrooms Are Coming.

524. - How about...?

525. Bill, can you do me Cisterns Are Doing It For Themselves?

526. Oh, there we go.

527. - No, I can't.

528. Water may be very hot.

529. Do country and western.

530. If you're going to do country and western, it's got to be...

531. Thank you.