1. Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening,Copy !req
2. good evening, good evening, good
evening, good evening and welcomeCopy !req
3. to QI, where tonight we'll be one
massive, marvellous, molten mess.Copy !req
4. And here's the mix...Copy !req
5. the massive Noel Fielding...Copy !req
6. .. the marvellous Eddie Kadi...Copy !req
7. .. the molten Sarah Millican...Copy !req
8. .. and who will clean up
this mess? Alan Davies.Copy !req
9. And let's hear your
"messy" buzzers.Copy !req
10. Noel goes...Copy !req
11. Hmm. Eddie goes...Copy !req
12. Sarah goes...Copy !req
13. And Alan goes...Copy !req
14. Do you know what that was?Copy !req
15. April 2010.Copy !req
16. What's our theme?Copy !req
17. Mess.Copy !req
18. Lionel?Copy !req
19. Lionel Messi.Copy !req
20. Messi... scoring how many
times against Arsenal?Copy !req
21. Oh, four. Four times.Copy !req
22. Yes.Copy !req
23. I'm afraid so.Copy !req
24. There you are.Copy !req
25. Anyway, what's... the meaning
of this mess of M words?Copy !req
26. Just choose one as it passes by.Copy !req
27. Oh, mumbudget is how much
your mum's got in her purse.Copy !req
28. So, is that literally the
budget that your mum has?Copy !req
29. Cos when I was growing up,
I'd ask my mum for £10Copy !req
30. and she'll always be like, "I
don't have £10, here's £1."Copy !req
31. Right?Copy !req
32. If I asked her for £1,
she'll give me 20 pence,Copy !req
33. so I asked her for a million...Copy !req
34. Just to get it up.Copy !req
35. Just to, yes, just to get it up.Copy !req
36. And she slapped me.Copy !req
37. Mumbudget is like keeping mum,
it's to be silent about something.Copy !req
38. You put the word budget after,
like, there's a word fussbudget,Copy !req
39. for example, which is
someone who's very fussy.Copy !req
40. "Oh, don't be such a fussbudget"
was a Regency sort of word.Copy !req
41. Monarsenous.Copy !req
42. Yeah, a single, er... crack.Copy !req
43. Oh!Copy !req
44. Mammock, the mixture of a
mammoth and a hammock.Copy !req
45. It's a bra, it's a bra.Copy !req
46. A useful one to sleep in.Copy !req
47. - It's where... - A mammock? - It's where I hang my mammaries.
- Oh, your mammary hammock, yes. A mammock.Copy !req
48. - A maness is a woman.
- Yes.Copy !req
49. - Is a mormal...? - Is it? - Yes... - Is it? - But what's
surprising... - Is it? - Yeah. - You got one right!Copy !req
50. - I got one right, yeah. I'm
going! - Is it actually? - Yes.Copy !req
51. You might think that it was a
recent word for a woman, a maness,Copy !req
52. but actually it's 16th century.Copy !req
53. Tudor, 1500s, maness.Copy !req
54. - A man and a maness.
- Yeah, a man...Copy !req
55. Mazology, the study of mazes.Copy !req
56. Oh, no!Copy !req
57. The study of mazes.Copy !req
58. Oh, you must be so stupid
to get one of those go off!Copy !req
59. - It's actually the study of mammals.
- Oh!Copy !req
60. - Mammals in zoology.
- That live in mazes.Copy !req
61. Mazology, yeah.Copy !req
62. Mogi, mogi...Copy !req
63. Is a mutton-monger like
a Welsh person? No!Copy !req
64. I'll get into trouble for that.Copy !req
65. It could be a man with extreme sexual
appetites can be called a mutton-monger.Copy !req
66. - Oh, really?
- So, a Welshman then.Copy !req
67. I pulled it back, did you
see? I pulled it back.Copy !req
68. Is a mournival like a
really good funeral?Copy !req
69. Woo!Copy !req
70. And what other words
have we come across?Copy !req
71. A mugwump is when you put
your biscuit in your teaCopy !req
72. and half of it falls
to the bottom.Copy !req
73. Oh, that would be so
useful as a word.Copy !req
74. What about munge, is that
a man with a vagina?Copy !req
75. No, it's...Copy !req
76. Munge is actually a verb, and
it's something mothers do,Copy !req
77. but I don't know anybody else would
do it, unless they were weird.Copy !req
78. - I munge, you munge, we munge, they munge.
- We munge, that's how verbs work.Copy !req
79. They munge!Copy !req
80. You've conjugated the verb
"to munge" very nicely.Copy !req
81. I have.Copy !req
82. - Mothers... - I
munge daily. - Yeah.Copy !req
83. - I am munge... - I will have munged,
would be future perfect. - Yes.Copy !req
84. I could have munged.Copy !req
85. - Could have munged, I might have munged, I may well have munged.
- Yes.Copy !req
86. I cannot remember
if I munged or not.Copy !req
87. - Munge is to wipe someone else's nose.
- Wow.Copy !req
88. - I did not munge.
- You didn't munge.Copy !req
89. I munge about every
15 minutes at home.Copy !req
90. Mesopygion... mesopygion
is interesting,Copy !req
91. because you almost
mentioned that.Copy !req
92. - A mesopygion.
- Mesopygion.Copy !req
93. Mesopygion.Copy !req
94. It sounds like you're doing
yourself down, oh me-so-pygionCopy !req
95. Oh, mesopygion. Er...Copy !req
96. Pyg, P-Y-G is buttocks in Greek,
as in styrop, styropigus,Copy !req
97. and beautiful fat
buttocks, styropigus.Copy !req
98. - And mesopygius is the crack between the buttocks.
- Eso what?Copy !req
99. It's your anal fissure,
your anal fissure.Copy !req
100. - That's what I call sexy times.
- Did I say anal fisher? I'm an anal fisher.Copy !req
101. A fissure. A fissure, I mean.Copy !req
102. Yeah.Copy !req
103. Not an anal fisher?Copy !req
104. What else were we?Copy !req
105. No, no, no. An anal angler.Copy !req
106. Oh, dear.Copy !req
107. - So, if you've got like an itch, you could be a mesopygion.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah you could.Copy !req
108. - It's amazing. - Oh, it's all running
down my mesopygion. - Yeah...Copy !req
109. Yup, there it is.Copy !req
110. - There's got to be a word for these things, hasn't there?
It's good that it exists.Copy !req
111. If you want to know what
the rest mean, go to...Copy !req
112. It's a real site.Copy !req
113. There's one last thing I'd like
to mention from the list, though.Copy !req
114. Mytacism, which we haven't commented on,
it's an excessive use of the letter M.Copy !req
115. Ah-h-h.Copy !req
116. So, let's let the mytacism roll.Copy !req
117. Name a politician with
raw animal magnetism.Copy !req
118. Oh... wow...Copy !req
119. Ed Miliband.Copy !req
120. No, but seriously.Copy !req
121. It's actually a
politician long dead.Copy !req
122. Animal magnetism, where did
that phrase come from?Copy !req
123. It's not actually an
obvious or natural phrase.Copy !req
124. It seems so to us, cos we use it all
the time, but why animal magnetism?Copy !req
125. There's something charismatic
about them physically,Copy !req
126. - the way they move or look or do things.
- Hmm.Copy !req
127. It's not what they
say, it's their aroma.Copy !req
128. Is it the way...Copy !req
129. Yeah, free spirit.Copy !req
130. Yeah, is it the way like a
gorilla can sometimes be sexy,Copy !req
131. but you're not
allowed to say that?Copy !req
132. It's not banned in zoos to go,
"I'd do that one, wouldn't you?"Copy !req
133. - Where are we, is it American politicians?
- No, we're back in the 19th century.Copy !req
134. - 19th century.
- 19th century, and...Copy !req
135. - It'll be either Gladstone or Disraeli. - A
German Austrian figure called Franz... - Franz.Copy !req
136. .. who achieved huge public recognition
for what he claimed to do,Copy !req
137. which involved using the
magnetic fluids of peopleCopy !req
138. to make them do things
they didn't want to do.Copy !req
139. And he coined the phrase
animal magnetism,Copy !req
140. meaning a very basic, primal,
human, magnetic quality.Copy !req
141. And his name was Franz M... M...Copy !req
142. Magnet.Copy !req
143. Mugwump.Copy !req
144. M...Copy !req
145. It's a word that means
it's absolutely hypnoticCopy !req
146. and amazing, I'm m...Copy !req
147. Mesmerising.Copy !req
148. Yes, and so his name was?Copy !req
149. Bobby Mesmeriser.Copy !req
150. I've already given you
Frank... Franz, haven't I?Copy !req
151. Franz Mesmer.Copy !req
152. Franz Mesmer was his name.Copy !req
153. - And he was the first great public figure to hypnotise.
- Oh-h-h.Copy !req
154. To use hypnosis.Copy !req
155. Even the name's
quite mesmerising.Copy !req
156. It is, the name...Copy !req
157. "I am Bobby the Mesmeriser."Copy !req
158. - Yeah. Forget the Bobby.
- Frank, Franz. - Yeah.Copy !req
159. - I like Bobby.
- You prefer Bobby, OK.Copy !req
160. - Yeah, cos you don't see it coming, do you?
- No, you don't.Copy !req
161. - "Oh, like, Bobby, yeah, he's harmless." - Bobby
Mesmer. - where are the fluids, the bodily fluids?Copy !req
162. - The magnetic fluids? - Yeah. - It's nonsense,
but that's what he claimed existed. - Oh.Copy !req
163. He used what we would call
basic hypnotic techniques,Copy !req
164. but he claimed that he was
exploiting these magnetic fluids,Copy !req
165. which don't exist
in the human body,Copy !req
166. in order to sort of pull out the
things that he could make people do.Copy !req
167. - It's called Rohypnol now.
- Yes, I'm afraid it is!Copy !req
168. But plenty of people believed
in what he did and said -Copy !req
169. Coleridge, Marie Antoinette, Edgar Allan Poe,
Mozart, Dickens, Conan Doyle, a lot of them.Copy !req
170. Dickens liked to try and
practise on a friend of his,Copy !req
171. Madame de la Rue, and he once,
on a train, with his wife,Copy !req
172. was practising hypnotising on
Madame de la Rue, and he wroteCopy !req
173. that he "heard the sound of his
wife's muff falling to the ground."Copy !req
174. Why are we laughing?Copy !req
175. I think mine sometimes comes loose,
but it's never hit the deck.Copy !req
176. Oh, dear. We might come back to
muffs, I hope not, but we might.Copy !req
177. What happened is, he hypnotised his
wife into a trance by accident.Copy !req
178. - And he heard a sound...
- He heard the sound of her muff hitting the ground,Copy !req
179. and he turned round and saw that she had been the
one who'd been hypnotised, not Madame de la Rue.Copy !req
180. So, his wife was... she just came in
with a cup of tea, and, bang, gone.Copy !req
181. Yes, exactly.Copy !req
182. But the politician whom Coleridge
characterised as having animal magnetism,Copy !req
183. which was an insult,
was Pitt the Younger.Copy !req
184. - He thought Pitt the Younger exhibited these traits of animal magnetism.
- Wow.Copy !req
185. In other words, that he somehow
used some sort of force, or someCopy !req
186. sort of power over people, in order
to persuade them to his cause.Copy !req
187. Yeah, and there were royal commissions
to investigate it, especially in France,Copy !req
188. Louis XVI set one up.Copy !req
189. It was the first placebo-controlled
trial in history.Copy !req
190. They ruled that it had
no basis in fact,Copy !req
191. but nonetheless people
continued to believe it. Yeah.Copy !req
192. Pitt the Younger possessed raw animal
magnetism, at least according to Coleridge.Copy !req
193. Now, what's the most inappropriate thing
beginning with M that the Pope has kissed?Copy !req
194. Yes, Sarah Millican?Copy !req
195. My breasts.Copy !req
196. Well, this has come as a shock to
me, tell the story, where were you?Copy !req
197. That's it, he just,
he sort of fell.Copy !req
198. He fell on your breasts?Copy !req
199. I was in, like, W
H Smiths and...Copy !req
200. He'd come in to bless
some Bibles or somethingCopy !req
201. and he just tripped on, cos the
carpet was... and... and I hadCopy !req
202. - a low-cut top and I don't wear one for QI, because it feels disrespectful.
- Yes.Copy !req
203. But I normally have them
out and he just landed,Copy !req
204. - and cos his natural inclination is to kiss things, he just kissed them.
- Wow!Copy !req
205. What was his reaction?Copy !req
206. Did he like it?Copy !req
207. He was pleased.Copy !req
208. - Did he, did he go, "Mmmm"?
- No, he was too polite for that,Copy !req
209. but I could see a little
glint in his eye.Copy !req
210. Anyway, a merkin,
what's a merkin?Copy !req
211. - It's a pubic wig.
- A pubic wig. - Yes.Copy !req
212. Could a Pope kiss a pubic
wig? Is it likely?Copy !req
213. If he was drunk enough.Copy !req
214. - On communion wine.
- Had he tripped in a different way.Copy !req
215. Well, we're going back
to the 17th century.Copy !req
216. - And it was a rather...
- If it was a tall lady.Copy !req
217. I think you're going
to like this man.Copy !req
218. There's an English... English
highwayman called Captain Dick Dudley.Copy !req
219. Dicky Dudley.Copy !req
220. Dick Dudley. I think you're going to
like Dick Dudley. He was hiding in RomeCopy !req
221. and while he was hiding from
the law enforcement officers,Copy !req
222. he bought a dead
prostitute's pubic wig,Copy !req
223. a merkin, from an anatomist.Copy !req
224. "He dried it well and combed it
out," that's in inverted commasCopy !req
225. cos it's a quotation, "and
sold it to the Pope."Copy !req
226. - There they are, there's a selection of them.
- Wow!Copy !req
227. I like the one on
the bottom right.Copy !req
228. - That's excellent.
- Yes, nice curls.Copy !req
229. Yeah. That's had a
perm, that one.Copy !req
230. - So, this was Ann Summers back
in the day. - Yeah. - Kind of.Copy !req
231. My goodness.Copy !req
232. He sold it to the Pope, it
could have been Clement X orCopy !req
233. Innocent XI, as a piece
of St Peter's beard.Copy !req
234. And...Copy !req
235. Oh, well done, him!Copy !req
236. Popes like relics. He's a great
man, I like Dick Dudley.Copy !req
237. Pope Gullible IV.Copy !req
238. Yeah! Exactly!Copy !req
239. "A beard, you say? Hmm."Copy !req
240. "St Peter's!"Copy !req
241. Exactly, Alan, the Pope put it on
his mouth, kissed it multiple timesCopy !req
242. and appeared to be thrilled
with his purchase.Copy !req
243. Dick was paid 100 ducats and
he immediately skedaddled itCopy !req
244. out of Rome before anybody caught up
with him, called his muff... bluff!Copy !req
245. Wow.Copy !req
246. But they've existed in Britain as pubic
wigs since the 14th century, at least.Copy !req
247. And were especially useful for women
who'd lost their pubic hair due to...?Copy !req
248. - Disease. - Waxing? - Yes,
syphilis. Through what?Copy !req
249. - Waxing.
- Waxing. No!Copy !req
250. That picture looks like the
sun if it forgot to shave.Copy !req
251. Yes, it does rather, doesn't it?Copy !req
252. - Or Mick Hucknall.
- Hipster sun.Copy !req
253. You have to get up early
to catch the sun unshaven.Copy !req
254. Anyway, when in Rome, don't kiss
St Peter's beard, you don'tCopy !req
255. know where it's been.Copy !req
256. What did Marie Antoinette
keep in her muff?Copy !req
257. Cake.Copy !req
258. Oh!Copy !req
259. - We were there before you, Eddie, I'm sorry.
- Welcome.Copy !req
260. Yeah, welcome to our
world, exactly.Copy !req
261. I told you we'd return to muffs and here we have
with a vengeance. What did people keep in muffs?Copy !req
262. What did women keep in muffs?Copy !req
263. There was a particular thing,
a fashionable accessory.Copy !req
264. Mirror.Copy !req
265. - A living, moving accessory.
- Ooh.Copy !req
266. A hamster?Copy !req
267. Maybe that just WAS the muff.Copy !req
268. Well, you know what Chinese people
kept in their large sleeves?Copy !req
269. A crocodile.Copy !req
270. A wild guess and I wish
it were correct, it's...Copy !req
271. - A duck.
- Not a duck.Copy !req
272. - That's what Pekingese dogs were bred for.
- A dog.Copy !req
273. - Yeah, so dogs. - In
their sleeves? - Yeah.Copy !req
274. But the muffs, which were
sometimes known as snuffkins,Copy !req
275. in England, were worn by both
men and women, not just women.Copy !req
276. - King Louis XIV had muffs made of tiger, panther, otter and beaver skins.
- Wow.Copy !req
277. In his diary, Samuel
Pepys reported that,Copy !req
278. "This day I did first wear a muff,
being my wife's last year's muff."Copy !req
279. All right... The Marquis de Sade,
who was imprisoned in the Bastille,Copy !req
280. of course, had letters smuggled in by
his wife, which she kept in her muff.Copy !req
281. Now, come on. If I say
muff enough, it's...Copy !req
282. Can you just control
yourselves?Copy !req
283. YOU don't... you, how...Copy !req
284. Well, I haven't said anything about
the vagina for four minutes!Copy !req
285. There's a marvellous woman
called Celestine Galli-Marie,Copy !req
286. who was the first
woman to play Carmen.Copy !req
287. - She always kept a marmoset in her muff.
- Of course she did.Copy !req
288. Yeah. So, there you are.
There's a lot of...Copy !req
289. - Where else are you going to put it?
- Yeah, exactly, there's fun to be had from muffs.Copy !req
290. Muffs were once used to
store dogs. Muff said.Copy !req
291. Now, for a question
about meteorology.Copy !req
292. Why did the inventor of the weather
forecast think that dinosaurs had died out?Copy !req
293. Maybe he loved dinosaurs,
right? He loved them so muchCopy !req
294. - he wished he could actually let them know before the weather changed and killed them off.
- Yeah.Copy !req
295. And he started going, "Do you know what?
I'm going to resist this happening again,Copy !req
296. "I'm creating the weather forecast, just in
case dinosaurs come back and they need it."Copy !req
297. Here's a man who had...Copy !req
298. .. an extraordinary
and brilliant idea,Copy !req
299. and he had an
incredibly stupid idea.Copy !req
300. But the world believed
his stupid idea,Copy !req
301. but laughed derisively
at his good idea.Copy !req
302. His name was FitzRoy and he
invented the weather forecastCopy !req
303. and said he could forecast the weather, given,
you know, enough knowledge of the variables.Copy !req
304. And people laughed him to scorn.Copy !req
305. But then he said, "I know
why dinosaurs died out.Copy !req
306. "Because they were too big
to fit onto Noah's Ark."Copy !req
307. And people said, "That's a
brilliant point, you're right."Copy !req
308. And that's true. He was genuinely
respected for thinking that.Copy !req
309. - And that is rubbish because that ark was huge, wasn't it?
- Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
310. It's because Tyrannosaurus
Rex's arms were so small,Copy !req
311. they couldn't get the
umbrella over their head.Copy !req
312. And he...Copy !req
313. I'm sure Noah would have
factored that in, wouldn't he?Copy !req
314. Noah would have had a whole... dinosaur
section, it's absurd.Copy !req
315. You seem to be buying into
this whole Noah's Ark idea.Copy !req
316. - Was there a weather forecast?
- The dinosaurs said, "No, no, we'll stay, I'm sure it'll be fine."Copy !req
317. - They're just really positive. - They were
deluded. - They were very sort of optimistic.Copy !req
318. And when the flood came they thought, "Oh, shit,
actually it's much worse than we thought."Copy !req
319. I've just got the image now of a
weather... cave weatherman doing the weather...Copy !req
320. - I don't know why we had a cave weatherman.
- .. on a cave, and then all the dinosaurs sort of gatheringCopy !req
321. round to see the pollen count.Copy !req
322. FitzRoy, does the name mean anything
to you, in terms of natural history?Copy !req
323. A bastard.Copy !req
324. He was perhaps best known for being
the guy in charge of the Beagle.Copy !req
325. - He was a friend of Darwin's.
- Oh.Copy !req
326. But despite being a friend of Darwin's,
he didn't believe anything Darwin said.Copy !req
327. In fact, he was outraged by Darwin's Theory of
Evolution, because Darwin didn't take into account...Copy !req
328. "Oh, Charles, for God's sake, they just
didn't have enough room on the Ark for them!"Copy !req
329. Yeah, exactly.Copy !req
330. Basically, that's
what he tried...Copy !req
331. "Oh, yadda, yadda,
yadda, Charles!Copy !req
332. "I'm telling you, it's going
to rain in the morning."Copy !req
333. "Oh, don't be
ridiculous, FitzRoy!"Copy !req
334. "You can't possibly know that."Copy !req
335. "I'm telling you, it is!"Copy !req
336. - Well, it was 20 years... - What
a pair! - They were a pair.Copy !req
337. 20 years after the Beagle, he
started his weather forecastingCopy !req
338. and actually it did catch on,
despite the initial scepticism.Copy !req
339. In fact, even Queen Victoria used
to send word round asking whatCopy !req
340. sort of crossing she'd get
to the Isle of Wight.Copy !req
341. He lived in Norwood and he would send
a message saying, "It'll be windy."Copy !req
342. Lived in Norwood!
That's funny to me.Copy !req
343. - It is, I know. Only Victorians lived in Norwood.
- Norwood.Copy !req
344. Maybe Norwood was quite nice
then, but, Christ, it's a khazi.Copy !req
345. His first ever weather
forecast, it was in the Times,Copy !req
346. and was four words.Copy !req
347. "Moderate, westerly wind, fine."Copy !req
348. I thought you were going
say, "Bloody pissing down."Copy !req
349. Exactly. Well, there you are.Copy !req
350. The word meteorology comes from
the Greek for things high up,Copy !req
351. and in terms of high up,Copy !req
352. they used to use frogs for
telling the weather forecast.Copy !req
353. They built them little ladders
and put them in a jar.Copy !req
354. - Of course they did.
- And they thought if they went up the ladder, it was going to be fine.Copy !req
355. If they went down the ladder,
it was going to be a bit wet.Copy !req
356. Giving you the idea of it. OK.Copy !req
357. Did frogs, did frogs even
know what ladders were?Copy !req
358. - I don't think they have to know what they are, do they?
- Did they just like...?Copy !req
359. They just have to have
the instinct to climb.Copy !req
360. - So, it could have been anything, didn't have to be ladders.
- It didn't have to be.Copy !req
361. "Where's the frog?"He's halfway up."But
which way is he looking?"He's looking down."Copy !req
362. Just say, "Scattered
showers, scattered showers."Copy !req
363. - I think you're right.
- "Sunny spells. Sunny spells."Copy !req
364. Just do a cloud with a bit
of the sun, half the sun.Copy !req
365. What if it was foggy?Copy !req
366. "He's gone on an
escalator, it's foggy."Copy !req
367. - Maybe he was trying to get out the top. - Yeah.
That's what he's trying to do. - He's trying to escape.Copy !req
368. One day, the ladder's right up to the top and the
frog's fucked off, and then what's going to happen?Copy !req
369. Left a note, "I've no idea what the weather's
going to be like. I'm out of here."Copy !req
370. I'm out of this game.Copy !req
371. There we have it.Copy !req
372. That's right, the father of
meteorology thought that theCopy !req
373. dinosaurs were too
big for Noah's Ark.Copy !req
374. Now, I'm going to do
something with my mouth.Copy !req
375. What do you think?Copy !req
376. Yes or no?Copy !req
377. Er, yes.Copy !req
378. Yes is right.Copy !req
379. - Oh, phew!
- That was yes.Copy !req
380. Well done.Copy !req
381. In the Swedish town of Umea,
that is yes, to go...Copy !req
382. Which you can sort of do in English,
going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."Copy !req
383. - Oh, that's their way of saying yes?
- Yeah. Yeah, their way of saying yes.Copy !req
384. And what's interesting is the
idea that there may or may not beCopy !req
385. a universal way of
signalling yes or no.Copy !req
386. Darwin was very
interested in the idea,Copy !req
387. and he looked all over the world
to the different cultures to seeCopy !req
388. whether they nodded and
shook for yes and no.Copy !req
389. Mostly, it seems, that nodding
for yes and shaking for no.Copy !req
390. Shaking for Timotei.Copy !req
391. Yeah, indeed, in the middle.Copy !req
392. And nodding for dandruff.Copy !req
393. But there's a reason,
some people think,Copy !req
394. why it may be that there's
a "yes" and a "no".Copy !req
395. The babies, if you offer them
food and they don't want it,Copy !req
396. - what do they do?
- Yeah, they...Copy !req
397. They turn their head
away, they do that.Copy !req
398. It's a shaking of the head,
if you like, a kind of...Copy !req
399. - I never do that.
- And if they want... No!Copy !req
400. If they want food...Copy !req
401. Oh, dear!Copy !req
402. .. they incline their heads
if they want food. They seemCopy !req
403. to incline their heads, generally
speaking, around the world.Copy !req
404. Is it, do you know, well, you grew
up in Democratic Republic of Congo,Copy !req
405. is there a "yes" and
"no" head-shaking thing?Copy !req
406. You know, my friend was
in Ethiopia, and she saidCopy !req
407. she was at a restaurant,Copy !req
408. and the guy was asking,
"What foods do you have?"Copy !req
409. And he just kept going...Copy !req
410. "Do you have any...?"Copy !req
411. So she's like, "I think he's
having a panic attack!"Copy !req
412. He goes, "No, they've got
everything on the list."Copy !req
413. Literally, that was yes, their
way of saying yes was...Copy !req
414. But in Africa in general,
including Congo,Copy !req
415. we have sound effects
that we use.Copy !req
416. You know, your mum, when
she's going, "Ah-ha!",Copy !req
417. it means she's agreeing.Copy !req
418. When she goes, "Ah-ah!" it
means she doesn't want it.Copy !req
419. So, Dad will be like, "Darling, did
you, you know, put the kids to bed?"Copy !req
420. And she's like, "Ah-ha."Copy !req
421. "So can you put me
to bed?"Ah-ah!"Copy !req
422. Very dramatic. And it
literally is that, you see,Copy !req
423. you'll see a lot of Africans,
when they're talking, it's like,Copy !req
424. "Ah-ah! Ah-ha!"Ehh?"
"Ohh!"Ah-haaa!"Copy !req
425. It looks like an argument,Copy !req
426. but they're having the most
pleasant conversation!Copy !req
427. Indeed. Now, what could
you learn from a meerkat?Copy !req
428. Oh.Copy !req
429. Oh! How to accessorise?Copy !req
430. Well, clearly, very
beautifully clothed.Copy !req
431. - Not how to put mascara on.
- No, that's not impressive, is it?Copy !req
432. Don't offer a cigarette
to a drawing of a cat?Copy !req
433. No!Copy !req
434. What are meerkats a type of?Copy !req
435. They're a type of meer, or
possibly a type of kat!Copy !req
436. - They're actually a sort of mongoose.
- Mongoose. - Oh! - A sort of mongoose.Copy !req
437. - Do you know what they do?
- Is a mongoose a goose?Copy !req
438. - The men fight...
- What's that one doing?Copy !req
439. - What's he doing with his hands?
- He's meering!Copy !req
440. Impression of a mongoose!Copy !req
441. The males fight so that one becomes
dominant, and then he has his pickCopy !req
442. of the females, and he thinks
he's in charge, and he'll usuallyCopy !req
443. drive out the second most dominant
one, and then he'll live on his own.Copy !req
444. But the women sneak
out to see him.Copy !req
445. Oh, that's very sweet.Copy !req
446. And that's how they keep
mixing up the genes, you know?Copy !req
447. - Yes, getting a diverse pool.
- The women sneak out.Copy !req
448. I saw, there was a whole programme
about it. It's quite funny.Copy !req
449. They had quite funny little
footage of the womenCopy !req
450. kind of sneaking
out of the camp.Copy !req
451. But, like, climbing down,
like, knotted sort of...Copy !req
452. Yeah, basically, yeah!Copy !req
453. And then she met up with Brian
or whatever, and they did it,Copy !req
454. they literally did it in a bush!Copy !req
455. And then she went back to camp
as if nothing had happened!Copy !req
456. No woman would sneak
out for a Brian!Copy !req
457. No?Copy !req
458. - We're quite choosy.
- Animal magnetism.Copy !req
459. Animal magnetism.
That's the one.Copy !req
460. The question asked was, "What
do we learn from meerkats?"Copy !req
461. - Well, if it's a driving instructor, it'll be driving.
- Yes...Copy !req
462. Let's... let's suppose it
isn't a driving instructor.Copy !req
463. - Let's suppose they're in the wild, in Africa.
- Is it a danger thing?Copy !req
464. We learnt they're one of
the very few animals,Copy !req
465. other than human beings,
who teach their young.Copy !req
466. - Oh, they have classes.
- Kind of do, yeah.Copy !req
467. Ah! Little books and things.Copy !req
468. They sacrifice time and effort, with
no apparent gain to self, to teach.Copy !req
469. That one's a supply teacher.Copy !req
470. He's got that look!Copy !req
471. They also gradually make their
lessons harder for their pupil.Copy !req
472. One of the things they
have to teach them,Copy !req
473. for example, is how to
deal with a scorpion.Copy !req
474. So they start by giving them
a scorpion that's dead,Copy !req
475. - then a live one with no sting.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
476. And then, finally, as you can
see, there it is watching,Copy !req
477. making sure that
it's all going well,Copy !req
478. if the scorpion escapes,
it pushes it back in.Copy !req
479. And then eventually they give
one a scorpion with a sting,Copy !req
480. so that they make sure
their young pup...Copy !req
481. The last, the last lesson is, "Don't
get in that square with a scorpion!"Copy !req
482. Yeah. But I think it's rather,
it's rather impressive.Copy !req
483. If you see a square with a
scorpion in it, go round it.Copy !req
484. It is pretty
impressive, isn't it?Copy !req
485. - It's amazing!
- And do any of their young die?Copy !req
486. I think they're
such good teachers,Copy !req
487. - they know exactly what they're
doing. - Really? - Yeah.Copy !req
488. They don't give them a live
one, even without a sting,Copy !req
489. - until they're sure they can cope.
- So they're ready.Copy !req
490. - And you would start on, like, a least favourite bairn, wouldn't you?
- Yes!Copy !req
491. While you were
learning how to teach.Copy !req
492. "Hang on, he's boring, let's
do him first. He's lazy."Copy !req
493. And you'd keep your
good bairn for the end.Copy !req
494. Are you saying there's no bad
students, only bad teachers?Copy !req
495. I imagine that. "You
are ready." G-doong!Copy !req
496. "Oh, you weren't ready, shit!"Copy !req
497. Brian!Copy !req
498. "I said a scorpion with
no tail! Oh, God!"Copy !req
499. And so to the fearful mess that
we call General Ignorance.Copy !req
500. Fingers on buzzers, please. How
can I tell the age of this tree?Copy !req
501. Chop it down.Copy !req
502. - Yeah, count the rings.
- Oh!Copy !req
503. - Oh! Is that not right?
- Well, not really, no.Copy !req
504. It's a sort of rough guide, but it
doesn't really tell you the age.Copy !req
505. Well, it's still a rough guide.
Maybe that's all I'm after!Copy !req
506. It's not all...Copy !req
507. Maybe I don't care about accuracy,
Stephen! Maybe I've got shit to do!Copy !req
508. Did the question say...?Copy !req
509. I'm afraid the answer
is extremely annoying.Copy !req
510. There are some years when
it doesn't put down ringsCopy !req
511. and other years when it puts
down two, even three rings.Copy !req
512. So it's very hard
to tell precisely.Copy !req
513. - Wow. As it's getting older, it starts lying.
- Yeah.Copy !req
514. Not putting a ring down.Copy !req
515. "Yeah, I'm doing
it, I'm doing it.Copy !req
516. "This ran out years
ago, mate. 32 again!"Copy !req
517. Dendrochronologists give
a very annoying answer.Copy !req
518. They say the most reliable way
to tell the age of a treeCopy !req
519. - is to find out when it was planted.
- YeahCopy !req
520. - Oh, shut up!
- I know, it's not my answer, it's their answer.Copy !req
521. - Passport!
- Yeah!Copy !req
522. Now, what colour is the moon?Copy !req
523. Black.Copy !req
524. OK! Well...Copy !req
525. The dark side of the moon.Copy !req
526. - I'll accept black, because it's...
- The dark side of the moon.Copy !req
527. Well, the sides are
all the same colour.Copy !req
528. - I know.
- It's a nice thought, the dark side of the moon.Copy !req
529. - But actually, all the moon is very, very dark grey.
- Yes.Copy !req
530. Basically, kind of
charcoal. Almost black.Copy !req
531. Not a light grey, not
a silvery colour.Copy !req
532. I mean, of course
we get light...Copy !req
533. No. It's weird, because you
can't get grey cheese.Copy !req
534. Right. I hadn't thought
of that. Yeah.Copy !req
535. It's quite bright, but not
as bright as the Earth.Copy !req
536. A full Earth seen from the
moon is a lot brighterCopy !req
537. than a full moon
seen from the Earth.Copy !req
538. That's because people
leave their lights on.Copy !req
539. That's probably the
reason, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
540. So the moon is very dark grey.Copy !req
541. But what colour is the sun?Copy !req
542. I've heard it's... green.Copy !req
543. - Not bad.
- Tartan, green?Copy !req
544. Oh, you were doing so
well, Noel. Tartan!Copy !req
545. Well, on the Farrow and
Ball colour chart...Copy !req
546. Yes?Copy !req
547. ..it's mushroom.Copy !req
548. Well, it is actually a kind of
turquoise, so green is not bad.Copy !req
549. - It's bluey-green.
- Turquoise?Copy !req
550. - It emits photons of all the colours.
- Like a blue flame.Copy !req
551. But slightly more blue-green
photons than any other,Copy !req
552. so it is, yeah, a
slightly blue/green tint.Copy !req
553. Wow. That is not fair.Copy !req
554. The moon and the sun are
just playing with us.Copy !req
555. Well, yes!Copy !req
556. It would actually look white from
space, more or less totally white.Copy !req
557. - Right.
- As it does at noon,Copy !req
558. if you were to look at
it from the ground.Copy !req
559. - Like a star.
- But don't, obviously.Copy !req
560. Yeah, the sun is white
with a hint of turquoise.Copy !req
561. And all that's left now is the
rather messy business of the scores.Copy !req
562. In last place, with minus 15
is Sarah Millican, I'm afraid!Copy !req
563. In third place, with a jolly
minus 14, is Noel Fielding!Copy !req
564. With a highly impressive minus
4, in second place, Eddie Kadi.Copy !req
565. It can only mean one
astonishing thing.Copy !req
566. In first place, with
minus 1, Alan Davies.Copy !req
567. Well!Copy !req
568. That's this mess cleaned up.Copy !req
569. So we thank Eddie, Noel,
Sarah, Alan and me.Copy !req
570. In the words of that prolific
writer, Anne Onymous,Copy !req
571. "Chaos, panic and disorder. My
work here is done." Goodnight.Copy !req