1. This programme contains strong languageCopy !req
2. Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.Copy !req
3. Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,Copy !req
4. where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash.Copy !req
5. Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows.Copy !req
6. The malformed Josh Widdicombe...Copy !req
7. .. the mutated Phill Jupitus...Copy !req
8. .. the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...Copy !req
9. .. and the complete monstrosity, Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. Now, let's hear your scary noises.Copy !req
11. Sarah goes...Copy !req
12. Josh goes...Copy !req
13. MONSTER GROWLSCopy !req
14. Phill goes...Copy !req
15. WOLF HOWLSCopy !req
16. And Alan goes... CHICKEN CLUCKSCopy !req
17. Too terrible to contemplate.Copy !req
18. Let's start with a monster mix-and-match.Copy !req
19. Here are some cards you'll find under your desk.Copy !req
20. - The fronts and the backs.
- Oh!Copy !req
21. And we want you to see if you can makeCopy !req
22. some kind of monster - and name it if you can.Copy !req
23. - Oh, right.
- Name it?
- Mm.Copy !req
24. - OK.
- You've got bottoms, Alan...Copy !req
25. - I'm a classic bottom.
- I'm a classic top.Copy !req
26. .. and Josh has got tops.Copy !req
27. - What have you got there?
- Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.Copy !req
28. - Hey...Copy !req
29. What you've created there is a human.Copy !req
30. - I'd say it's borderline, Stephen.
- Too terrible to contemplate.
- Yeah.Copy !req
31. - Here we go, here we go, all right...
- OK, OK.Copy !req
32. - You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute.
- OK.Copy !req
33. - Ooh.
- OK.
- There we go.Copy !req
34. Ah, a lionfish.Copy !req
35. Now, that's interesting, cos the lionfish does exist.Copy !req
36. Unlike the merlion that we have created...Copy !req
37. Ah, the merlion is a very good...Copy !req
38. .. which would sing on the rocks by the coast of AfricaCopy !req
39. and lure deer to their deaths.Copy !req
40. Well, Alan, there you've got an ant...Copy !req
41. An ant cow.Copy !req
42. Yeah, we've got the...Copy !req
43. Basically, what you got there isCopy !req
44. an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.Copy !req
45. Well, we can go through some of these.Copy !req
46. - Certainly a lionfish exists.
- OK.Copy !req
47. There's a bounty on them, if you catch them in the Caribbean.Copy !req
48. They destroy the habitat - they're so successful.Copy !req
49. There's almost nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything.Copy !req
50. - Try making one to order. See if you can make a Minotaur.
- OK.Copy !req
51. - Minotaur...
- Oh, Minotaur...Copy !req
52. - So, it's...
- Bull's head.
- Bull's head's on there.Copy !req
53. - Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur.
- Yeah.
- Rather than a lion?Copy !req
54. There we go.Copy !req
55. No-one's quite sure whether it should have...Copy !req
56. the human top with a bull's bottom, but...Copy !req
57. - We've made a Minotaur.
- Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.Copy !req
58. That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be.Copy !req
59. - I'm going to say pop your cards away.
- Oh.Copy !req
60. I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.Copy !req
61. You've done a lovely mermaid - well done.Copy !req
62. That's definitely one that was available.Copy !req
63. There are all kinds of things available -Copy !req
64. the myrmecoleon, which is also known as a formicaleon.Copy !req
65. - This is a lion head and an ant body.
- What?Copy !req
66. In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed.Copy !req
67. They held it to be bigger than an ant.Copy !req
68. Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things.Copy !req
69. - How big was it?
- A bit like a large ant.Copy !req
70. - Oh, like a large ant.
- Yeah.Copy !req
71. Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are the human body with a fish tail.Copy !req
72. People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaidsCopy !req
73. and how can they consummate their relationship? You know...Copy !req
74. - Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.
- Exactly, it's very simple.Copy !req
75. She lays her eggs on a rock or somethingCopy !req
76. and you fertilise them - what's the problem with that?Copy !req
77. The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawnedCopy !req
78. and take the mermaid with him.Copy !req
79. So, he has to go back to, I don't know, Dorking...Copy !req
80. Yes, that it might be.Copy !req
81. .. find a pond, pop his new fishwife in there.Copy !req
82. - Fishwife!
- She lays her eggsCopy !req
83. and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposureCopy !req
84. at a boating pond.Copy !req
85. And one that you get points for because it does existCopy !req
86. is the merlion.Copy !req
87. Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion -Copy !req
88. - which is the lion head and a fish tail.
- Yeah.
- Really?Copy !req
89. Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore.Copy !req
90. - Is it?
- Oh... thank you, Singapore.Copy !req
91. Yeah. Gives you those points.Copy !req
92. - The hippocampus.
- Hippopotamus.Copy !req
93. Thank you for replying with another animal.Copy !req
94. You're doing very well.Copy !req
95. Hip-po replacement.Copy !req
96. But... hippocampus is...Copy !req
97. The hipster campus is, it's...Copy !req
98. - runs coffee bars in Shoreditch...Copy !req
99. ..in a very effeminate way.Copy !req
100. Well, as you probably know,Copy !req
101. it's part of the brain, the hippocampus,Copy !req
102. but why is it called the hippocampus?Copy !req
103. - The shape of it.
- Is...?Copy !req
104. It's the shape of a seahorse.Copy !req
105. But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast,Copy !req
106. - had a horse front and a fish tail.
- Oh...Copy !req
107. And so did that they think before they found the seahorseCopy !req
108. or they thought they were two separate seahorses?Copy !req
109. No, there are seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose...Copy !req
110. Let's find out sometime - not now.Copy !req
111. That is surely the opposite of what this show is about.Copy !req
112. I panicked, all right? I just panicked.Copy !req
113. People love seahorses becauseCopy !req
114. it's the male who gestates the babies, isn't it, with seahorses?Copy !req
115. Which is always so lovely.Copy !req
116. I've dived amongst them and I was just shocked by how small they are.Copy !req
117. You must have...Copy !req
118. - They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
119. They have a very long thin tank that they go up and down -Copy !req
120. it's quite sweet.Copy !req
121. I assume that's what they want to do,Copy !req
122. - otherwise it feels a bit unfair.
- Would be cruel.Copy !req
123. They have to just go up and down.Copy !req
124. - They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed...
- They race.Copy !req
125. .. they browse in the weeds.Copy !req
126. They browse in the weeds, looking...Copy !req
127. They have little stalls and they all get in.Copy !req
128. At the races.Copy !req
129. There's always one that doesn't want to go and they have to take him off.Copy !req
130. So, no matter what monster you imagine,Copy !req
131. you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first.Copy !req
132. Here's a monster that someone made earlier,Copy !req
133. but what is it and what's it made from?Copy !req
134. - Oh...
- Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
135. - Is it carved?
- Mm...
- Is it made from bone?Copy !req
136. It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century.Copy !req
137. - It's called a Fiji mermaid.
- Ooh...Copy !req
138. People would come from miles to see it.Copy !req
139. It was shown off at carnivals,Copy !req
140. and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces.Copy !req
141. For a long time, people thought it was made byCopy !req
142. the addition of a monkey's head with a fish.Copy !req
143. And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,Copy !req
144. and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum.Copy !req
145. - Do you know the Horniman Museum?
- Yeah, I live near there.Copy !req
146. - Do you?
- It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah.Copy !req
147. It is an incredible place.Copy !req
148. A genuine museum of curiosities of the most fascinating kind.Copy !req
149. - I've been there too - it's great.
- It is good. It's a fine place.Copy !req
150. You just saying that cos I said I've been there?Copy !req
151. - I go every week.
- Largely, yeah.Copy !req
152. Cos when you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.Copy !req
153. Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."Copy !req
154. I let you have your time in the sun.Copy !req
155. "Time in the sun."Copy !req
156. - Oh, wow!
- There we go.Copy !req
157. Now, look. You see, now...Copy !req
158. - There he is.
- So, were they supposed to be scary creatures?Copy !req
159. It is quite scary.Copy !req
160. You can picture it scampering in your bedroom or something.Copy !req
161. They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras.Copy !req
162. Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know thatCopy !req
163. this is a result of the CT scans,Copy !req
164. which were made by the Horniman Museum for us,Copy !req
165. and Dr James Moffatt of St George's University in LondonCopy !req
166. translated the CT scan data intoCopy !req
167. - this 3-D printing of the original.
- Wow!Copy !req
168. - So, this is a 3-D printing. Isn't it good?
- Yeah!Copy !req
169. Yeah, we like that.Copy !req
170. And you can see how detailed it is.Copy !req
171. Even the little holes and flaws in the fish tail.Copy !req
172. Have you been to St George's Hospital?Copy !req
173. It's really excellent.Copy !req
174. Now...Copy !req
175. I'm not going to play this game.Copy !req
176. Ergh! Ergh!Copy !req
177. I genuinely jumped.Copy !req
178. You've seen them on Dartmoor, haven't you, Widdicombe?Copy !req
179. - What are your monsters called?
- We've got... On Dartmoor?
- Yeah.Copy !req
180. We've got the Hairy Hand. Are you aware of the Hairy Hand?Copy !req
181. - Which is a...
- No.Copy !req
182. - You get it when you're about 15.Copy !req
183. The Hairy Hand is a disembodied hand that would appear from nowhereCopy !req
184. - if you were driving along the B3021...
- Pissed.Copy !req
185. .. and it would steer you off the road.Copy !req
186. - But there's...
- "Officer!"
- "Officer!"Copy !req
187. 'And it smelt of cider, didn't it?Copy !req
188. 'It dropped it's pint on me, and then it drove me off the road.'Copy !req
189. One of the people that claimedCopy !req
190. he'd been steered off the road by the Hairy Hand,Copy !req
191. he described it as invisible.Copy !req
192. Oh, bless him for trying.Copy !req
193. There's the old curse about the Monkey Wishing Hand,Copy !req
194. - which it seems is where that's coming from.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
195. What's that? What's that?Copy !req
196. It's a dead one of those.Copy !req
197. What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?Copy !req
198. It's a herd of those.Copy !req
199. I've got loads of them.Copy !req
200. So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver?Copy !req
201. No. Jenny Agutter.Copy !req
202. Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good.Copy !req
203. Let me add another Jenny to your list of Jennys.Copy !req
204. Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver.Copy !req
205. - Was she on the front of a boat?
- Whoa.
- Oh!Copy !req
206. Lord, that's Doctor Who.Copy !req
207. There's a box of props from Doctor Who.Copy !req
208. It does look like it, doesn't it?Copy !req
209. It's the Ku Klux Klams.Copy !req
210. Can you guess what they are?Copy !req
211. - You burn one cross...
- Fish.
- They're fish.Copy !req
212. - They are flatfish.
- They're skates. Skate.
- Oh, skate.Copy !req
213. Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes -Copy !req
214. it was known as Jenny Hanivers.Copy !req
215. Mostly sailors from Antwerp who seemed to do this -Copy !req
216. it was their specialist art.Copy !req
217. Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know,Copy !req
218. and they did Jenny Haniver.Copy !req
219. Very odd, but they exist,Copy !req
220. and you can see that they exist, because they're there in a box.Copy !req
221. Discarded, unwanted.Copy !req
222. The ones in the middle that look like they're wearing glassesCopy !req
223. are the best ones, I think.Copy !req
224. If they started singing, you'd shit yourself.Copy !req
225. Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to?Copy !req
226. - Toothy.
- Well...
- He's very toothy.
- .. looks dinosaur-y to me.Copy !req
227. Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore,Copy !req
228. it's not vegetarian, can't you?Copy !req
229. - Is it... a killer rabbit?
- Sabre-toothed tiger?Copy !req
230. - It's a killer rabbit.
- Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?Copy !req
231. No, it's a bit smaller than that.Copy !req
232. Is it a tiny mouse?Copy !req
233. It's a little bit bigger than that.Copy !req
234. - Is it a mole?
- It's a mole!
- A mole! Is it?Copy !req
235. It's a mole. Well done.Copy !req
236. Well done.Copy !req
237. Oh!Copy !req
238. This species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole, and...Copy !req
239. It looks like that guy from Futurama, doesn't it?Copy !req
240. - It does. Zoidberg.
- Zoidberg.
- Yeah.Copy !req
241. Well, when you look like Zoidberg...Copy !req
242. It's a wonderful mole.Copy !req
243. They live underground, and we don't really have much to do with them,Copy !req
244. but they're equipped with special powers.Copy !req
245. For example, they can smell in stereo,Copy !req
246. so they can tell when something is coming, from which direction.Copy !req
247. So, very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?Copy !req
248. They'd be able to say, "It was you. It was you.Copy !req
249. "Don't like - it was you."Copy !req
250. And they have toxins with which they paralyseCopy !req
251. and stun the worms that they eat.Copy !req
252. Why would they want to do that if they've got the worm anyway?Copy !req
253. - So they can eat it later.
- So they can eat it later.Copy !req
254. - So they find it and go...
- They have larders.Copy !req
255. - .."Tasty, but lunchtime."
- Exactly. Deferred pleasure.Copy !req
256. - But pop it in their larder.
- Eurgh...Copy !req
257. - But they're...
- That's amazing.
- Christ!Copy !req
258. Yeah, they need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work.Copy !req
259. They do extraordinary tunnelling.Copy !req
260. They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.Copy !req
261. Now, given their size and weight,Copy !req
262. that is equivalent of a human moving four tonnes -Copy !req
263. about 1,000 shovel loads - every 20 minutes.Copy !req
264. - So why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel?
- Every 20 minutes.Copy !req
265. - It would've been amazing - and cute.Copy !req
266. Yeah, about 400 of them - Crossrail, done in a fortnight.Copy !req
267. - We're missing something, huh.Copy !req
268. Anyway, now, name all the members of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
269. Beryl.Copy !req
270. - Linda.
- Jean.Copy !req
271. - Shirley.
- Angry Sue.Copy !req
272. - She's the leader.Copy !req
273. Have you heard of the Monstrous Regiment of Women?Copy !req
274. - The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous...
- Oh!Copy !req
275. - John Knox.
- Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've...Copy !req
276. The First Blast of the Trumpet AgainstCopy !req
277. - the Monstrous Regiment of Women.
- Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
278. So, I've read that, and it's bad that I couldn't rememberCopy !req
279. the Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
280. It seems like it's kind of the main part.Copy !req
281. - Do you...?
- It seems like...Copy !req
282. Actually, what it is is a slight change in the language,Copy !req
283. and monstrous doesn't mean monstrous as we would say it -Copy !req
284. - it means unnatural.
- Mm.Copy !req
285. And regiment doesn't meanCopy !req
286. the whole load of them marching on, these women -Copy !req
287. - it means regime.
- Right.Copy !req
288. And he was a Protestant,Copy !req
289. and he was angry at the factCopy !req
290. there were two Catholic women on the thrones...Copy !req
291. - Oh, of course.
- .. of England.Copy !req
292. - Who might they have been?
- Mary...Copy !req
293. Which Mary? They were both called Mary.Copy !req
294. - The Two Marys...
- The Two Marys.Copy !req
295. - LAUGHTER Exactly.
- .. being right.Copy !req
296. This has now turned into a story from the Bunty - The Two Marys.Copy !req
297. - There was our Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor.
- Yeah.Copy !req
298. The one who burned the Protestants.Copy !req
299. And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots,Copy !req
300. it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise.Copy !req
301. - Cheery bunch.
- Yeah, a cheery bunch.Copy !req
302. - I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.
- Yeah.Copy !req
303. You know when they do, like, those style challenges on This MorningCopy !req
304. - and it's before and after?
- It is, isn't it?Copy !req
305. "She used to just wear monochrome, but look at her now!"Copy !req
306. So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant,Copy !req
307. didn't like these women on the throne.Copy !req
308. He was angry about it and wrote this thing.Copy !req
309. But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,Copy !req
310. do remember who her husband was, by any chance?Copy !req
311. Darnley, his name was, her husband.Copy !req
312. He was murdered. He was actually blown up.Copy !req
313. This is a very extraordinary story.Copy !req
314. One of the presumed architects of the explosionCopy !req
315. was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -Copy !req
316. a pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.Copy !req
317. ALAN GIGGLESCopy !req
318. "Where's your shoes, Archibald?"Copy !req
319. - "Oh!"Copy !req
320. You've always got to take your shoes off before dynamite -Copy !req
321. - that's what I say.
- He got away with it.Copy !req
322. But he later gave an account of Mary's reaction.Copy !req
323. - So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
324. "She sent for a number of light ladies and womenCopy !req
325. "to come to Holyrood HouseCopy !req
326. "and participate stark naked in a ball."Copy !req
327. "Then they had cut off their pubic hairCopy !req
328. "and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male guests,Copy !req
329. "who were sick."Copy !req
330. Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?Copy !req
331. Was she just trying to, you know, like,Copy !req
332. trying to get back to normal life?Copy !req
333. - "Let's just carry on as we were."
- That's right.Copy !req
334. "Get your pubes and put them in that pie.Copy !req
335. "That's what he would have wanted." LAUGHTERCopy !req
336. Actually, I think this might be quite clever.Copy !req
337. Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way,Copy !req
338. all anyone is ever going to talk to you about is,Copy !req
339. "Aw, what happened to your husband?"Copy !req
340. But now, no - "Why did you have that pube party?"Copy !req
341. What? Why? Are you joking?Copy !req
342. You know, it's all the detail we have.Copy !req
343. "Two things, Mary - number one, condolences. Number two..."Copy !req
344. It's all the detail we have, sadly,Copy !req
345. but the actual person who took the rap for the murder,Copy !req
346. he was hanged, drawn and quarteredCopy !req
347. on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,Copy !req
348. which seems a bit unfair.Copy !req
349. His name was William Blackadder.Copy !req
350. Oh...Copy !req
351. It's true.Copy !req
352. Oh, stop it. Don't.Copy !req
353. There you are.Copy !req
354. The Monstrous Regiment of Women was just a couple of Marys.Copy !req
355. Which is nastier -Copy !req
356. a foetid parachute or a hairy nuts disco?Copy !req
357. - OK...
- I'll tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco - Mary.Copy !req
358. Exactly. It's so true.Copy !req
359. Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls...Copy !req
360. You can have hairy nuts as a sort of amuse-bouche.Copy !req
361. Basically, that would be a partyCopy !req
362. with people just walking around, going...Copy !req
363. HE WRETCHESCopy !req
364. HE CONTINUES TO WRETCHCopy !req
365. Making a pubic nuisance.Copy !req
366. They are cocktails.Copy !req
367. - Are these cocktails?
- They're not cocktails.Copy !req
368. They look exactly as if they would be cocktails.Copy !req
369. Foetid parachute might be a slight clueCopy !req
370. in as much as the shape of a parachute might be.Copy !req
371. - Oh!
- Oh, jellyfish!
- Jellyfish!Copy !req
372. - Not jellyfish - that's the one thing it could've been.
- Mushrooms!Copy !req
373. The other one is mushrooms. Yeah, these are fungi or fun-gee.Copy !req
374. Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time,Copy !req
375. and there are some incredible names.Copy !req
376. Pink disco - that's normal and nice.Copy !req
377. Greasy bracket. All right?Copy !req
378. Punched him in the greasy bracket. I don't know.Copy !req
379. Powdery piggyback.Copy !req
380. Shall we play powdery piggyback?Copy !req
381. White brain, jelly ear, Verdigris Navel,Copy !req
382. fragrant funnel...Copy !req
383. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. LAUGHTERCopy !req
384. Cinnamon jellybaby, witches' butter, slimy earth tongue.Copy !req
385. Alan Rickman's fridge gunk.Copy !req
386. Let's just start making up mushroom names.Copy !req
387. These are also all bands that have had a John Peel session as well.Copy !req
388. Hot lips, twisted deceiver...Copy !req
389. Barbara Cartland's shoe tree.Copy !req
390. .. bog cannon, gassy night...Copy !req
391. - I've had one of them.
- .. and the hairy nuts disco.Copy !req
392. There you are.Copy !req
393. So, how often are they finding new fungi?Copy !req
394. Amazingly, amazingly. Let me tell you a remarkable story.Copy !req
395. This is in September 2014 - not very long ago.Copy !req
396. A couple of mycologists -Copy !req
397. as they call fungus experts - from Kew GardensCopy !req
398. analysed the DNA of a supermarket packet of porcini mushrooms.Copy !req
399. They found three species unknown to science.Copy !req
400. Perfectly edible.Copy !req
401. Was there any horse in it?Copy !req
402. The scientists named them in LatinCopy !req
403. white beef liver, delicious cattle liver fungus and edible.Copy !req
404. Wow.Copy !req
405. Do you know, the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking,Copy !req
406. "I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more - Sarah or Alan?"Copy !req
407. So, in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year.Copy !req
408. - Wow.
- 1,200 a year?
- It's amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
409. - They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.
- Wow.Copy !req
410. - So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening?
- Very.Copy !req
411. - And they can be aggressive - that's why we've...
- Like moles!Copy !req
412. - We should get them in a fight.
- Yes!Copy !req
413. - Mushrooms versus moles!Copy !req
414. They can be very aggressive.Copy !req
415. Although they don't exactly move,Copy !req
416. they do spread themselves huge distances underground.Copy !req
417. I still think I could beat one in a fight.Copy !req
418. - Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to eat them.
- Yes...Copy !req
419. which is how I fight.Copy !req
420. Mushrooms are quite small. They used to be huge.Copy !req
421. They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal there were.Copy !req
422. When trees and plans were just three foot tall,Copy !req
423. they were much, much bigger - and much more phallic.Copy !req
424. - Really?
- Apparently.Copy !req
425. Planet of the Cocks.Copy !req
426. So, now, it's time to descend into the darkCopy !req
427. and fetid nest of nasties that is General Ignorance.Copy !req
428. First, some real sea monsters. Fingers on buzzers.Copy !req
429. Why do great white sharks bite people?Copy !req
430. Yes?Copy !req
431. It's to keep themself in the news.Copy !req
432. That's probably why.Copy !req
433. It's so good and so true.Copy !req
434. Is it cos they think they're something else?Copy !req
435. It's a pretty good answer, yes...Copy !req
436. People say it's because the shadow of a person,Copy !req
437. especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal.Copy !req
438. No, you see, the thing is when... They do eat seals,Copy !req
439. but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo -Copy !req
440. they dive in, and there's nothing left.Copy !req
441. But when they attack people, they just take a bite,Copy !req
442. and they usually then go off.Copy !req
443. So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity.Copy !req
444. - "What is this?"
- Oh, God.Copy !req
445. So, it's like at a party with a vol-au-vent?Copy !req
446. Yeah, basically.Copy !req
447. They just think, "I'll just take a little bit off it."Copy !req
448. - Oh, no, no.
- ".. and see if I like it, see what it is."Copy !req
449. That's generally believed by...Copy !req
450. Going over to his mates going, "Don't try that - it's horrible."Copy !req
451. "Don't put it back on the tray. Don't put it back on the tray.Copy !req
452. - "Put it over there."
- "You've started it now."Copy !req
453. Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is.Copy !req
454. Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket.Copy !req
455. If you're a human and you lose half your leg,Copy !req
456. - you don't, obviously, think of it like that.
- No, no.Copy !req
457. But the point is if they wanted to kill you,Copy !req
458. they are such ferocious...Copy !req
459. "I hope that's sated your curiosity!"Copy !req
460. So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibbleCopy !req
461. before they decide whether or not we're worth munching.Copy !req
462. Who has the biggest face in America?Copy !req
463. - Oh, is it...
- MONSTER ROARSCopy !req
464. ..one of Mount Rushmore.Copy !req
465. Ah... Dang nabbit. SIREN RINGSCopy !req
466. No, I said 'one of'.Copy !req
467. - Is it a clock?
- No, it's not a clock.Copy !req
468. - Good, good... Very smart.
- OK.Copy !req
469. - Where's Mount Rushmore?
- Dakota.
- South Dakota is right, yeah.Copy !req
470. And this particular huge faceCopy !req
471. which is bigger by far than either of the four Presidents there...Copy !req
472. But you can get a point for naming them.Copy !req
473. - Washington...
- Washington.
- ..Lincoln...Copy !req
474. and the other two.Copy !req
475. - McKinley, no? And...
- Jefferson...
- Jefferson and...Copy !req
476. - .. and Teddy Roosevelt.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!Copy !req
477. Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.Copy !req
478. - I knew all of them! Just on the...Copy !req
479. Oh, Horniman Museum!Copy !req
480. I'm not going to lie - I was going to go Obama, so...Copy !req
481. 15 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America.Copy !req
482. - 15 miles?
- Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.Copy !req
483. Oh, it's the Indian head thing.Copy !req
484. Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chiefCopy !req
485. who was a hero to his people.Copy !req
486. It's being done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years.Copy !req
487. Ancient Polish guy - I've met him. He's extraordinary, yeah.Copy !req
488. - It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it?
- Yes.Copy !req
489. 87 feet high, is the face.Copy !req
490. And do you know the name of the Indian brave?Copy !req
491. He won, for his people, the battle,Copy !req
492. of which was only a battle - they lost the war...Copy !req
493. - Sitting Bull.
- Sitting Bull.
- Crazy Horse.Copy !req
494. - Steve.
♪ Ow! ♪
- "Steve!"Copy !req
495. Crazy Horse.Copy !req
496. - There it is - there's the face.
- Oh, he's beautiful.Copy !req
497. He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn.Copy !req
498. Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.Copy !req
499. Lordy, lord.Copy !req
500. But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse.Copy !req
501. - Look out, there's a big Indian after you.Copy !req
502. - So, there's one guy who's done this?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.Copy !req
503. - And he's still doing it.
- That's why it's taking so long.Copy !req
504. When did he start?Copy !req
505. Do you have to buy the mountainCopy !req
506. first, or do you just do it on somebody else's?Copy !req
507. Cos I'd be pretty angry if that was in my garden.Copy !req
508. You know, the really impressive thing isCopy !req
509. that he's done it with sandpaper.Copy !req
510. Is he going to get to the endCopy !req
511. and then they're going to realise he has got planning permission?Copy !req
512. "Put it all back, my friend."Copy !req
513. "You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was.Copy !req
514. - "We want it all back."Copy !req
515. - There you can see how it should look.
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
516. That's the real thing in the background.Copy !req
517. It's a noble endeavour,Copy !req
518. but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time.Copy !req
519. I don't know if he's using dynamite,Copy !req
520. cos that's what they used in Mount Rushmore.Copy !req
521. They used dynamite to four inches worth of accuracy.Copy !req
522. - Really?
- You know, all the little features -Copy !req
523. the nose and everything else. Unbelievable.Copy !req
524. It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers,Copy !req
525. you know, who opened up the West,Copy !req
526. and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,Copy !req
527. but then they decided it should be presidentsCopy !req
528. just to get on the right side of politics, I suppose.Copy !req
529. There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously, Lewis and Clark on the right.Copy !req
530. And you know what you do after a good dynamite?Copy !req
531. Pube party.Copy !req
532. That must have been the biggest pube party of all time.Copy !req
533. It was massive.Copy !req
534. Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet.Copy !req
535. - Oh... Oh, yeah.
- Not falling for that one.Copy !req
536. No way. No way!Copy !req
537. Is it going to be a 50-mile long tunnel or a bridgeCopy !req
538. or something like that?Copy !req
539. What we've got out of the way, cos it's hanging here like a worry,Copy !req
540. is it's not the Great Wall of China.Copy !req
541. - Oh, OK.
- Yeah.
- Try a continent where it might be.Copy !req
542. - Europe.
- OK.
- Europe is not where it is.Copy !req
543. - Asia.
- Australia.
- Nor Asia, nor Australia.Copy !req
544. - North America.
- Nor North America.Copy !req
545. - South America.
- Nor South America.Copy !req
546. - Antarctica.
- Antarctica.
- Nor Antarctica.
- Arctic.Copy !req
547. - Africa.
- Africa! Thank you.Copy !req
548. - Hey!
- Bloody hell, I'm glad...Copy !req
549. I really, really hope Ban Ki-moon isn't watching this.Copy !req
550. "Africa! Africa!"Copy !req
551. - So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...?
- It's Nigeria, in fact.
- Oh.Copy !req
552. It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.Copy !req
553. The Great Earthworks of Benin!Copy !req
554. It's also called the Walls of Benin.Copy !req
555. - The Walls, of course, Benin!
- Defensive earthworks...Copy !req
556. The Earthen Walls of Benin in...Copy !req
557. .. dug by the Edo people.Copy !req
558. - 10,000 miles in length.
- Miles of it. 10,000 miles...
- 10,000 miles?Copy !req
559. .. of defensive earthworks by the Edos.Copy !req
560. - 10,000 miles in length.
- How could I forget(?)Copy !req
561. - Four times longer than the Great Wall of China.
- OK.Copy !req
562. Puny little wall.Copy !req
563. Consumed 100 times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.Copy !req
564. Took 700 years and an estimated 150 million hours of digging.Copy !req
565. Severely damaged by... HE CLEARS THROATCopy !req
566. .. the British... when we sacked and burned Benin in 1897.Copy !req
567. Aren't the British brilliant?Copy !req
568. "Yes. Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told.Copy !req
569. "There's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for.Copy !req
570. "Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks."Copy !req
571. More or less exactly what happened.Copy !req
572. And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed.Copy !req
573. - What did they build it for?
- Defences.Copy !req
574. - Keep out the British, I'd imagine.
- Keep out the British!Copy !req
575. Didn't work very well, unfortunately.Copy !req
576. "Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!"Copy !req
577. Of course, you could argue thatCopy !req
578. the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing,Copy !req
579. cos it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia.Copy !req
580. - You can drive across the whole lot.
- It's all connected by road.Copy !req
581. - You know...
- So, who do we take this up with?Copy !req
582. The Guinness Book Of Records? Or do we go to Nigeria?Copy !req
583. They'll go, "I think in fact we got something bigger, actually."Copy !req
584. And further twist the knife again.Copy !req
585. The monstrous Walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever builtCopy !req
586. until we monstrously knocked them down.Copy !req
587. All of which brings us to the monstrous scores.Copy !req
588. It's remarkable. PHILL AND SARA LAUGHCopy !req
589. I'm going to start...Copy !req
590. You've all done, may I say, remarkably well.Copy !req
591. In last place,Copy !req
592. with a score that sometimes could be a winning score,Copy !req
593. of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.Copy !req
594. In third place, with minus two...Copy !req
595. Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.Copy !req
596. No! Tell me it ain't so!Copy !req
597. In second place, with plus five, Alan Davies!Copy !req
598. How close it was,Copy !req
599. because the winner by a whisker on six points is Phill Jupitus.Copy !req
600. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I don't understand it.Copy !req
601. That's all from Sara, Phill, Josh, Alan and me,Copy !req
602. and I leave you with these words from Andre Breton.Copy !req
603. "The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomatoCopy !req
604. "is an idiot."Copy !req
605. Thank you.Copy !req