1. This programme contains strong languageCopy !req
2. Goo-oo-oo-ood evening.Copy !req
3. Good evening, good evening, good
evening, and welcome to QI,Copy !req
4. where tonight we're doing the Monster Mash.Copy !req
5. Let's meet the nameless horrors
that lurk in our monstrous shadows.Copy !req
6. The malformed Josh Widdicombe...Copy !req
7. .. the mutated Phill Jupitus...Copy !req
8. .. the misbegotten Sara Pascoe...Copy !req
9. .. and the complete
monstrosity, Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. Now, let's hear your scary noises.Copy !req
11. Sarah goes...Copy !req
12. Josh goes...Copy !req
13. Phill goes...Copy !req
14. And Alan goes...Copy !req
15. Too terrible to contemplate.Copy !req
16. Let's start with a monster mix-and-match.Copy !req
17. Here are some cards you'll
find under your desk.Copy !req
18. - The fronts and the backs.
- Oh!Copy !req
19. And we want you to see if you can makeCopy !req
20. some kind of monster -
and name it if you can.Copy !req
21. - Oh, right.
- Name it?
- Mm.Copy !req
22. You've got bottoms, Alan...Copy !req
23. - I'm a classic bottom.
- I'm a classic top.Copy !req
24. .. and Josh has got tops.Copy !req
25. - What have you got there?
- Alan Davies has got gorgeous legs.Copy !req
26. Hey...Copy !req
27. What you've created there is a human.Copy !req
28. - I'd say it's borderline, Stephen.
- Too terrible to contemplate.
- Yeah.Copy !req
29. Here we go, here we go, all right...Copy !req
30. You don't know what I've put,
then we'll look in a minute.Copy !req
31. - Ooh.
- There we go.Copy !req
32. Ah, a lionfish.Copy !req
33. Now, that's interesting, cos
the lionfish does exist.Copy !req
34. Unlike the merlion that we have created...Copy !req
35. Ah, the merlion is a very good...Copy !req
36. .. which would sing on the
rocks by the coast of AfricaCopy !req
37. and lure deer to their deaths.Copy !req
38. Well, Alan, there you've got an ant...Copy !req
39. An ant cow.Copy !req
40. Yeah, we've got the...Copy !req
41. Basically, what you got there isCopy !req
42. an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.Copy !req
43. Well, we can go through some of these.Copy !req
44. Certainly a lionfish exists.Copy !req
45. There's a bounty on them, if you
catch them in the Caribbean.Copy !req
46. They destroy the habitat
- they're so successful.Copy !req
47. There's almost nothing that can get
them, and they can eat everything.Copy !req
48. Try making one to order. See
if you can make a Minotaur.Copy !req
49. - Minotaur...
- Oh, Minotaur...Copy !req
50. - So, it's...
- Bull's head.
- Bull's head's on there.Copy !req
51. - Chap's bottom, isn't it? A Minotaur.
- Yeah.
- Rather than a lion?Copy !req
52. There we go.Copy !req
53. No-one's quite sure
whether it should have...Copy !req
54. the human top with a bull's bottom, but...Copy !req
55. - We've made a Minotaur.
- Oh, yeah. He looks really muscly.Copy !req
56. That's not as scary as I
thought it was going to be.Copy !req
57. - I'm going to say pop your cards away.
- Oh.Copy !req
58. I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.Copy !req
59. You've done a lovely mermaid - well done.Copy !req
60. That's definitely one that was available.Copy !req
61. There are all kinds of things available -Copy !req
62. the myrmecoleon, which is
also known as a formicaleon.Copy !req
63. - This is a lion head and an ant body.
- What?Copy !req
64. In medieval bestiaries, they were
very sure that that existed.Copy !req
65. They held it to be bigger than an ant.Copy !req
66. Basically, it lived in a little
pit and pulled in things.Copy !req
67. - How big was it?
- A bit like a large ant.Copy !req
68. - Oh, like a large ant.
- Yeah.Copy !req
69. Mermaids and mermen, obviously, are
the human body with a fish tail.Copy !req
70. People think, you know, sailors
fall in love with mermaidsCopy !req
71. and how can they consummate
their relationship? You know...Copy !req
72. - Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.
- Exactly, it's very simple.Copy !req
73. She lays her eggs on a rock or somethingCopy !req
74. and you fertilise them -
what's the problem with that?Copy !req
75. The sailor has to sail back to
his waters where he was spawnedCopy !req
76. and take the mermaid with him.Copy !req
77. So, he has to go back to,
I don't know, Dorking...Copy !req
78. Yes, that it might be.Copy !req
79. .. find a pond, pop his
new fishwife in there.Copy !req
80. - Fishwife!
- She lays her eggsCopy !req
81. and then he has to be arrested
for indecent public exposureCopy !req
82. at a boating pond.Copy !req
83. And one that you get points
for because it does existCopy !req
84. is the merlion.Copy !req
85. Yeah, which you came up with - a merlion -Copy !req
86. - which is the lion head and a fish tail.
- Yeah.
- Really?Copy !req
87. Yeah, the national symbol of Singapore.Copy !req
88. - Is it?
- Oh... thank you, Singapore.Copy !req
89. Yeah. Gives you those points.Copy !req
90. - The hippocampus.
- Hippopotamus.Copy !req
91. Thank you for replying with another animal.Copy !req
92. You're doing very well.Copy !req
93. Hip-po replacement.Copy !req
94. But... hippocampus is...Copy !req
95. The hipster campus is, it's...Copy !req
96. runs coffee bars in Shoreditch...Copy !req
97. ..in a very effeminate way.Copy !req
98. Well, as you probably know,Copy !req
99. it's part of the brain, the hippocampus,Copy !req
100. but why is it called the hippocampus?Copy !req
101. - The shape of it.
- Is...?Copy !req
102. It's the shape of a seahorse.Copy !req
103. But a hippocampus, as a mythical beast,Copy !req
104. - had a horse front and a fish tail.
- Oh...Copy !req
105. And so did that they think
before they found the seahorseCopy !req
106. or they thought they were
two separate seahorses?Copy !req
107. No, there are seahorses in the
Mediterranean, so I suppose...Copy !req
108. Let's find out sometime - not now.Copy !req
109. That is surely the opposite
of what this show is about.Copy !req
110. I panicked, all right? I just panicked.Copy !req
111. People love seahorses becauseCopy !req
112. it's the male who gestates the
babies, isn't it, with seahorses?Copy !req
113. Which is always so lovely.Copy !req
114. I've dived amongst them and I was
just shocked by how small they are.Copy !req
115. You must have...Copy !req
116. - They are tiny. Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.
- Oh, right.Copy !req
117. They have a very long thin tank
that they go up and down -Copy !req
118. it's quite sweet.Copy !req
119. I assume that's what they want to do,Copy !req
120. - otherwise it feels a bit unfair.
- Would be cruel.Copy !req
121. They have to just go up and down.Copy !req
122. - They're very horse-like as well in the way they feed...
- They race.Copy !req
123. .. they browse in the weeds.Copy !req
124. They browse in the weeds, looking...Copy !req
125. They have little stalls
and they all get in.Copy !req
126. At the races.Copy !req
127. There's always one that doesn't want
to go and they have to take him off.Copy !req
128. So, no matter what monster you imagine,Copy !req
129. you can be pretty sure that
someone else made it first.Copy !req
130. Here's a monster that someone made earlier,Copy !req
131. but what is it and what's it made from?Copy !req
132. - Oh...
- Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
133. - Is it carved?
- Mm...
- Is it made from bone?Copy !req
134. It's a type of mermaid that was
very popular in the 19th century.Copy !req
135. - It's called a Fiji mermaid.
- Ooh...Copy !req
136. People would come from miles to see it.Copy !req
137. It was shown off at carnivals,Copy !req
138. and it was made from fish and
household bits and pieces.Copy !req
139. For a long time, people
thought it was made byCopy !req
140. the addition of a monkey's
head with a fish.Copy !req
141. And this particular one was acquired
by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,Copy !req
142. and then later by the
fabulous Horniman Museum.Copy !req
143. - Do you know the Horniman Museum?
- Yeah, I live near there.Copy !req
144. - Do you?
- It's in Forest Hill. It's brilliant, yeah.Copy !req
145. It is an incredible place.Copy !req
146. A genuine museum of curiosities
of the most fascinating kind.Copy !req
147. - I've been there too - it's great.
- It is good. It's a fine place.Copy !req
148. You just saying that cos
I said I've been there?Copy !req
149. - I go every week.
- Largely, yeah.Copy !req
150. Cos when you said you went to the
aquarium, I didn't jump on it.Copy !req
151. Like, "Oh, yeah, I've been."Copy !req
152. I let you have your time in the sun.Copy !req
153. "Time in the sun."Copy !req
154. - Oh, wow!
- There we go.Copy !req
155. Now, look. You see, now...Copy !req
156. - There he is.
- So, were they supposed to be scary creatures?Copy !req
157. It is quite scary.Copy !req
158. You can picture it scampering
in your bedroom or something.Copy !req
159. They were a lot sexier once they
added the hair and the shell bras.Copy !req
160. Exactly. But you'll be pleased to know thatCopy !req
161. this is a result of the CT scans,Copy !req
162. which were made by the
Horniman Museum for us,Copy !req
163. and Dr James Moffatt of St
George's University in LondonCopy !req
164. translated the CT scan data intoCopy !req
165. - this 3-D printing of the original.
- Wow!Copy !req
166. - So, this is a 3-D printing. Isn't it good?
- Yeah!Copy !req
167. Yeah, we like that.Copy !req
168. And you can see how detailed it is.Copy !req
169. Even the little holes and
flaws in the fish tail.Copy !req
170. Have you been to St George's Hospital?Copy !req
171. It's really excellent.Copy !req
172. Now...Copy !req
173. I'm not going to play this game.Copy !req
174. Ergh! Ergh!Copy !req
175. I genuinely jumped.Copy !req
176. You've seen them on Dartmoor,
haven't you, Widdicombe?Copy !req
177. - What are your monsters called?
- We've got... On Dartmoor?
- Yeah.Copy !req
178. We've got the Hairy Hand. Are
you aware of the Hairy Hand?Copy !req
179. - Which is a...
- No.Copy !req
180. You get it when you're about 15.Copy !req
181. The Hairy Hand is a disembodied
hand that would appear from nowhereCopy !req
182. - if you were driving along the B3021...
- Pissed.Copy !req
183. .. and it would steer you off the road.Copy !req
184. - But there's...
- "Officer!"
- "Officer!"Copy !req
185. 'And it smelt of cider, didn't it?Copy !req
186. 'It dropped it's pint on me, and
then it drove me off the road.'Copy !req
187. One of the people that claimedCopy !req
188. he'd been steered off the
road by the Hairy Hand,Copy !req
189. he described it as invisible.Copy !req
190. Oh, bless him for trying.Copy !req
191. There's the old curse about
the Monkey Wishing Hand,Copy !req
192. - which it seems is where that's coming from.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
193. What's that? What's that?Copy !req
194. It's a dead one of those.Copy !req
195. What's that? What's that? What's that?
What's that?Copy !req
196. It's a herd of those.Copy !req
197. I've got loads of them.Copy !req
198. So, Jenny. Do you know about Jenny Haniver?Copy !req
199. No. Jenny Agutter.Copy !req
200. Jenny Agutter you know about? That's good.Copy !req
201. Let me add another Jenny
to your list of Jennys.Copy !req
202. Let's see some pictures of Jenny Haniver.Copy !req
203. - Was she on the front of a boat?
- Whoa.
- Oh!Copy !req
204. Lord, that's Doctor Who.Copy !req
205. There's a box of props from Doctor Who.Copy !req
206. It does look like it, doesn't it?Copy !req
207. It's the Ku Klux Klams.Copy !req
208. Can you guess what they are?Copy !req
209. - You burn one cross...
- Fish.
- They're fish.Copy !req
210. - They are flatfish.
- They're skates. Skate.
- Oh, skate.Copy !req
211. Rays or skates would be
carved in these shapes -Copy !req
212. it was known as Jenny Hanivers.Copy !req
213. Mostly sailors from Antwerp
who seemed to do this -Copy !req
214. it was their specialist art.Copy !req
215. Other sailors did scrimshaw, you know,Copy !req
216. and they did Jenny Haniver.Copy !req
217. Very odd, but they exist,Copy !req
218. and you can see that they exist,
because they're there in a box.Copy !req
219. Discarded, unwanted.Copy !req
220. The ones in the middle that look
like they're wearing glassesCopy !req
221. are the best ones, I think.Copy !req
222. If they started singing,
you'd shit yourself.Copy !req
223. Now, what kind of animal
does this skull belong to?Copy !req
224. Well, you can certainly tell
that it's not herbivore,Copy !req
225. it's not vegetarian, can't you?Copy !req
226. - Is it... a killer rabbit?
- Sabre-toothed tiger?Copy !req
227. - It's a killer rabbit.
- Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?Copy !req
228. No, it's a bit smaller than that.Copy !req
229. Is it a tiny mouse?Copy !req
230. It's a little bit bigger than that.Copy !req
231. - Is it a mole?
- It's a mole!
- A mole! Is it?Copy !req
232. It's a mole. Well done.Copy !req
233. Well done.Copy !req
234. Oh!Copy !req
235. This species, not surprisingly, is
called the star-nosed mole, and...Copy !req
236. It looks like that guy
from Futurama, doesn't it?Copy !req
237. - It does. Zoidberg.
- Zoidberg.
- Yeah.Copy !req
238. Well, when you look like Zoidberg...Copy !req
239. It's a wonderful mole.Copy !req
240. They live underground, and we don't
really have much to do with them,Copy !req
241. but they're equipped with special powers.Copy !req
242. For example, they can smell in stereo,Copy !req
243. so they can tell when something
is coming, from which direction.Copy !req
244. So, very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?Copy !req
245. They'd be able to say, "It was you.
It was you.Copy !req
246. "Don't like - it was you."Copy !req
247. And they have toxins
with which they paralyseCopy !req
248. and stun the worms that they eat.Copy !req
249. Why would they want to do that
if they've got the worm anyway?Copy !req
250. - So they can eat it later.
- So they can eat it later.Copy !req
251. - So they find it and go...
- They have larders.Copy !req
252. - .. "Tasty, but lunchtime."
- Exactly. Deferred pleasure.Copy !req
253. - But pop it in their larder.
- Eurgh...Copy !req
254. - But they're...
- That's amazing.
- Christ!Copy !req
255. Yeah, they need a lot of sustenance
because they do a lot of work.Copy !req
256. They do extraordinary tunnelling.Copy !req
257. They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.Copy !req
258. Now, given their size and weight,Copy !req
259. that is equivalent of a
human moving four tonnes -Copy !req
260. about 1,000 shovel loads
- every 20 minutes.Copy !req
261. - So why didn't we get them to do the Channel Tunnel?
- Every 20 minutes.Copy !req
262. It would've been amazing - and cute.Copy !req
263. Yeah, about 400 of them -
Crossrail, done in a fortnight.Copy !req
264. We're missing something, huh.Copy !req
265. Anyway, now, name all the members
of the Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
266. Beryl.Copy !req
267. - Linda.
- Jean.Copy !req
268. - Shirley.
- Angry Sue.Copy !req
269. She's the leader.Copy !req
270. Have you heard of the
Monstrous Regiment of Women?Copy !req
271. - The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous...
- Oh!Copy !req
272. - John Knox.
- Yes, John Knox. I knew you would've...Copy !req
273. The First Blast of the Trumpet AgainstCopy !req
274. - the Monstrous Regiment of Women.
- Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
275. So, I've read that, and it's
bad that I couldn't rememberCopy !req
276. the Monstrous Regiment of Women.Copy !req
277. It seems like it's kind of the main part.Copy !req
278. - Do you...?
- It seems like...Copy !req
279. Actually, what it is is a
slight change in the language,Copy !req
280. and monstrous doesn't mean
monstrous as we would say it -Copy !req
281. - it means unnatural.
- Mm.Copy !req
282. And regiment doesn't meanCopy !req
283. the whole load of them
marching on, these women -Copy !req
284. - it means regime.
- Right.Copy !req
285. And he was a Protestant,Copy !req
286. and he was angry at the factCopy !req
287. there were two Catholic
women on the thrones...Copy !req
288. - Oh, of course.
- .. of England.Copy !req
289. - Who might they have been?
- Mary...Copy !req
290. Which Mary? They were both called Mary.Copy !req
291. - The Two Marys...
- The Two Marys.Copy !req
292. - Exactly.
- .. being right.Copy !req
293. This has now turned into a story
from the Bunty - The Two Marys.Copy !req
294. - There was our Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary - Mary Tudor.
- Yeah.Copy !req
295. The one who burned the Protestants.Copy !req
296. And in Scotland, it wasn't
Mary Queen of Scots,Copy !req
297. it was her regent, who was Mary of Guise.Copy !req
298. - Cheery bunch.
- Yeah, a cheery bunch.Copy !req
299. - I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.
- Yeah.Copy !req
300. You know when they do, like, those
style challenges on This MorningCopy !req
301. - and it's before and after?
- It is, isn't it?Copy !req
302. "She used to just wear monochrome,
but look at her now!"Copy !req
303. So, Knox, who was a very keen Protestant,Copy !req
304. didn't like these women on the throne.Copy !req
305. He was angry about it and wrote this thing.Copy !req
306. But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots,Copy !req
307. do remember who her husband
was, by any chance?Copy !req
308. Darnley, his name was, her husband.Copy !req
309. He was murdered. He was actually blown up.Copy !req
310. This is a very extraordinary story.Copy !req
311. One of the presumed
architects of the explosionCopy !req
312. was a fellow called Archibald Douglas -Copy !req
313. a pair of his shoes were found
at the scene of the crime.Copy !req
314. "Where's your shoes, Archibald?"Copy !req
315. "Oh!"Copy !req
316. You've always got to take your
shoes off before dynamite -Copy !req
317. - that's what I say.
- He got away with it.Copy !req
318. But he later gave an account
of Mary's reaction.Copy !req
319. - So, this is Mary, her husband has been blown up.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
320. "She sent for a number of
light ladies and womenCopy !req
321. "to come to Holyrood HouseCopy !req
322. "and participate stark naked in a ball."Copy !req
323. "Then they had cut off their pubic hairCopy !req
324. "and had put it in puddings to
be eaten by the male guests,Copy !req
325. "who were sick."Copy !req
326. Is that what you do when
your husband's blown up?Copy !req
327. Was she just trying to, you know, like,Copy !req
328. trying to get back to normal life?Copy !req
329. - "Let's just carry on as we were."
- That's right.Copy !req
330. "Get your pubes and put them in that pie.Copy !req
331. "That's what he would
have wanted." LAUGHTERCopy !req
332. Actually, I think this
might be quite clever.Copy !req
333. Probably, if your partner is
killed in a horrific way,Copy !req
334. all anyone is ever going
to talk to you about is,Copy !req
335. "Aw, what happened to your husband?"Copy !req
336. But now, no - "Why did you
have that pube party?"Copy !req
337. What? Why? Are you joking?Copy !req
338. You know, it's all the detail we have.Copy !req
339. "Two things, Mary - number one,
condolences. Number two..."Copy !req
340. It's all the detail we have, sadly,Copy !req
341. but the actual person who
took the rap for the murder,Copy !req
342. he was hanged, drawn and quarteredCopy !req
343. on the basis that he was the
one who discovered the scene,Copy !req
344. which seems a bit unfair.Copy !req
345. His name was William Blackadder.Copy !req
346. Oh...Copy !req
347. It's true.Copy !req
348. Oh, stop it. Don't.Copy !req
349. There you are.Copy !req
350. The Monstrous Regiment of Women
was just a couple of Marys.Copy !req
351. Which is nastier -Copy !req
352. a foetid parachute or a hairy nuts disco?Copy !req
353. I'll tell you who doesn't like
a hairy nuts disco - Mary.Copy !req
354. Exactly. It's so true.Copy !req
355. Presumably, she has that
sort of in bowls...Copy !req
356. You can have hairy nuts as
a sort of amuse-bouche.Copy !req
357. Basically, that would be a partyCopy !req
358. with people just walking around, going...Copy !req
359. Making a pubic nuisance.Copy !req
360. They are cocktails.Copy !req
361. - Are these cocktails?
- They're not cocktails.Copy !req
362. They look exactly as if
they would be cocktails.Copy !req
363. Foetid parachute might be a slight clueCopy !req
364. in as much as the shape
of a parachute might be.Copy !req
365. - Oh!
- Oh, jellyfish!
- Jellyfish!Copy !req
366. - Not jellyfish - that's the one thing it could've been.
- Mushrooms!Copy !req
367. The other one is mushrooms. Yeah,
these are fungi or fun-gee.Copy !req
368. Extraordinary names for new
species that occur all the time,Copy !req
369. and there are some incredible names.Copy !req
370. Pink disco - that's normal and nice.Copy !req
371. Greasy bracket. All right?Copy !req
372. Punched him in the greasy bracket.
I don't know.Copy !req
373. Powdery piggyback.Copy !req
374. Shall we play powdery piggyback?Copy !req
375. White brain, jelly ear, Verdigris Navel,Copy !req
376. fragrant funnel...Copy !req
377. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Copy !req
378. Cinnamon jellybaby, witches'
butter, slimy earth tongue.Copy !req
379. Alan Rickman's fridge gunk.Copy !req
380. Let's just start making up mushroom names.Copy !req
381. These are also all bands that have
had a John Peel session as well.Copy !req
382. Hot lips, twisted deceiver...Copy !req
383. Barbara Cartland's shoe tree.Copy !req
384. .. bog cannon, gassy night...Copy !req
385. - I've had one of them.
- .. and the hairy nuts disco.Copy !req
386. There you are.Copy !req
387. So, how often are they finding new fungi?Copy !req
388. Amazingly, amazingly. Let me
tell you a remarkable story.Copy !req
389. This is in September 2014
- not very long ago.Copy !req
390. A couple of mycologists -Copy !req
391. as they call fungus experts
- from Kew GardensCopy !req
392. analysed the DNA of a supermarket
packet of porcini mushrooms.Copy !req
393. They found three species
unknown to science.Copy !req
394. Perfectly edible.Copy !req
395. Was there any horse in it?Copy !req
396. The scientists named them in LatinCopy !req
397. white beef liver, delicious
cattle liver fungus and edible.Copy !req
398. Wow.Copy !req
399. Do you know, the worst thing is
throughout that I was thinking,Copy !req
400. "I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens more
- Sarah or Alan?"Copy !req
401. So, in terms of fungi as a whole,
1,200 new species are added a year.Copy !req
402. - Wow.
- 1,200 a year?
- It's amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
403. - They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.
- Wow.Copy !req
404. - So are they really adaptive? Is that's what's happening?
- Very.Copy !req
405. - And they can be aggressive - that's why we've...
- Like moles!Copy !req
406. - We should get them in a fight.
- Yes!Copy !req
407. Mushrooms versus moles!Copy !req
408. They can be very aggressive.Copy !req
409. Although they don't exactly move,Copy !req
410. they do spread themselves
huge distances underground.Copy !req
411. I still think I could beat one in a fight.Copy !req
412. - Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to eat them.
- Yes...Copy !req
413. which is how I fight.Copy !req
414. Mushrooms are quite small.
They used to be huge.Copy !req
415. They used to be the biggest
kinds of non-animal there were.Copy !req
416. When trees and plans were
just three foot tall,Copy !req
417. they were much, much bigger
- and much more phallic.Copy !req
418. - Really?
- Apparently.Copy !req
419. Planet of the Cocks.Copy !req
420. So, now, it's time to descend into the darkCopy !req
421. and fetid nest of nasties
that is General Ignorance.Copy !req
422. First, some real sea monsters.
Fingers on buzzers.Copy !req
423. Why do great white sharks bite people?Copy !req
424. Yes?Copy !req
425. It's to keep themself in the news.Copy !req
426. That's probably why.Copy !req
427. It's so good and so true.Copy !req
428. Is it cos they think
they're something else?Copy !req
429. It's a pretty good answer, yes...Copy !req
430. People say it's because
the shadow of a person,Copy !req
431. especially if they're
surfing, looks like a seal.Copy !req
432. No, you see, the thing is when...
They do eat seals,Copy !req
433. but when they eat seals, it's
a frenzy, it's a torpedo -Copy !req
434. they dive in, and there's nothing left.Copy !req
435. But when they attack people,
they just take a bite,Copy !req
436. and they usually then go off.Copy !req
437. So it's generally believed
that it's a kind of curiosity.Copy !req
438. - "What is this?"
- Oh, God.Copy !req
439. So, it's like at a party
with a vol-au-vent?Copy !req
440. Yeah, basically.Copy !req
441. They just think, "I'll just
take a little bit off it."Copy !req
442. - Oh, no, no.
- ".. and see if I like it, see what it is."Copy !req
443. That's generally believed by...Copy !req
444. Going over to his mates going,
"Don't try that - it's horrible."Copy !req
445. "Don't put it back on the tray.
Don't put it back on the tray.Copy !req
446. - "Put it over there."
- "You've started it now."Copy !req
447. Curious rather than predatory
is the way their behaviour is.Copy !req
448. Wrap it in a napkin, put it in your pocket.Copy !req
449. If you're a human and
you lose half your leg,Copy !req
450. - you don't, obviously, think of it like that.
- No, no.Copy !req
451. But the point is if they
wanted to kill you,Copy !req
452. they are such ferocious...Copy !req
453. "I hope that's sated your curiosity!"Copy !req
454. So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibbleCopy !req
455. before they decide whether
or not we're worth munching.Copy !req
456. Who has the biggest face in America?Copy !req
457. Oh, is it...Copy !req
458. ..one of Mount Rushmore.Copy !req
459. Ah... Dang nabbit.Copy !req
460. No, I said 'one of'.Copy !req
461. - Is it a clock?
- No, it's not a clock.Copy !req
462. Good, good... Very smart.Copy !req
463. - Where's Mount Rushmore?
- Dakota.
- South Dakota is right, yeah.Copy !req
464. And this particular huge faceCopy !req
465. which is bigger by far than either
of the four Presidents there...Copy !req
466. But you can get a point for naming them.Copy !req
467. - Washington...
- Washington.
- ..Lincoln...Copy !req
468. and the other two.Copy !req
469. - McKinley, no? And...
- Jefferson...
- Jefferson and...Copy !req
470. - .. and Teddy Roosevelt.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh!Copy !req
471. Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.Copy !req
472. I knew all of them! Just on the...Copy !req
473. Oh, Horniman Museum!Copy !req
474. I'm not going to lie - I was
going to go Obama, so...Copy !req
475. 15 miles away from Mount Rushmore
is the biggest face in America.Copy !req
476. - 15 miles?
- Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.Copy !req
477. Oh, it's the Indian head thing.Copy !req
478. Yes, it's the head of a
Lakota Sioux Indian chiefCopy !req
479. who was a hero to his people.Copy !req
480. It's being done by one person who's
been doing it for about 20 years.Copy !req
481. Ancient Polish guy - I've met him.
He's extraordinary, yeah.Copy !req
482. - It's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't it?
- Yes.Copy !req
483. 87 feet high, is the face.Copy !req
484. And do you know the name
of the Indian brave?Copy !req
485. He won, for his people, the battle,Copy !req
486. of which was only a battle
- they lost the war...Copy !req
487. - Sitting Bull.
- Sitting Bull.
- Crazy Horse.Copy !req
488. - Steve.
- ♪ Ow! ♪
- "Steve!"Copy !req
489. Crazy Horse.Copy !req
490. - There it is - there's the face.
- Oh, he's beautiful.Copy !req
491. He beat Custer in the
Battle of Little Bighorn.Copy !req
492. Yeah, but they never found Roobarb.Copy !req
493. Lordy, lord.Copy !req
494. But if you go sideways
on, he's on his horse.Copy !req
495. Look out, there's a big Indian after you.Copy !req
496. - So, there's one guy who's done this?
- Yeah.
- Amazing.Copy !req
497. - And he's still doing it.
- That's why it's taking so long.Copy !req
498. When did he start?Copy !req
499. Do you have to buy the mountainCopy !req
500. first, or do you just do
it on somebody else's?Copy !req
501. Cos I'd be pretty angry
if that was in my garden.Copy !req
502. You know, the really impressive thing isCopy !req
503. that he's done it with sandpaper.Copy !req
504. Is he going to get to the endCopy !req
505. and then they're going to realise
he has got planning permission?Copy !req
506. "Put it all back, my friend."Copy !req
507. "You have to rebuild the
original mountain as it was.Copy !req
508. "We want it all back."Copy !req
509. - There you can see how it should look.
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
510. That's the real thing in the background.Copy !req
511. It's a noble endeavour,Copy !req
512. but, goodness me, it's
taking him a long time.Copy !req
513. I don't know if he's using dynamite,Copy !req
514. cos that's what they
used in Mount Rushmore.Copy !req
515. They used dynamite to four
inches worth of accuracy.Copy !req
516. - Really?
- You know, all the little features -Copy !req
517. the nose and everything else. Unbelievable.Copy !req
518. It was going to be Lewis
and Clark, the explorers,Copy !req
519. you know, who opened up the West,Copy !req
520. and it was going to be Chief
Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill,Copy !req
521. but then they decided
it should be presidentsCopy !req
522. just to get on the right
side of politics, I suppose.Copy !req
523. There's Buffalo Bill. Obviously,
Lewis and Clark on the right.Copy !req
524. And you know what you do
after a good dynamite?Copy !req
525. Pube party.Copy !req
526. That must have been the biggest
pube party of all time.Copy !req
527. It was massive.Copy !req
528. Anyway, name the largest single
man-made structure on the planet.Copy !req
529. - Oh... Oh, yeah.
- Not falling for that one.Copy !req
530. No way. No way!Copy !req
531. Is it going to be a 50-mile
long tunnel or a bridgeCopy !req
532. or something like that?Copy !req
533. What we've got out of the way, cos
it's hanging here like a worry,Copy !req
534. is it's not the Great Wall of China.Copy !req
535. - Oh, OK.
- Yeah.
- Try a continent where it might be.Copy !req
536. - Europe.
- Europe is not where it is.Copy !req
537. - Asia.
- Australia.
- Nor Asia, nor Australia.Copy !req
538. - North America.
- Nor North America.Copy !req
539. - South America.
- Nor South America.Copy !req
540. - Africa.
- Africa! Thank you.Copy !req
541. - Hey!
- Bloody hell, I'm glad...Copy !req
542. I really, really hope Ban
Ki-moon isn't watching this.Copy !req
543. "Africa! Africa!"Copy !req
544. - So, is it Egyptian? Is it North...?
- It's Nigeria, in fact.
- Oh.Copy !req
545. It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.Copy !req
546. The Great Earthworks of Benin!Copy !req
547. It's also called the Walls of Benin.Copy !req
548. - The Walls, of course, Benin!
- Defensive earthworks...Copy !req
549. The Earthen Walls of Benin in...Copy !req
550. .. dug by the Edo people.Copy !req
551. - 10,000 miles in length.
- Miles of it. 10,000 miles...
- 10,000 miles?Copy !req
552. .. of defensive earthworks by the Edos.Copy !req
553. - 10,000 miles in length.
- How could I forgetCopy !req
554. Four times longer than
the Great Wall of China.Copy !req
555. Puny little wall.Copy !req
556. Consumed 100 times more material
than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.Copy !req
557. Took 700 years and an estimated
150 million hours of digging.Copy !req
558. Severely damaged by...Copy !req
559. .. the British... when we sacked
and burned Benin in 1897.Copy !req
560. Aren't the British brilliant?Copy !req
561. "Yes. Well, they just wouldn't
do as they were told.Copy !req
562. "There's only so much gentle
persuasion we've got time for.Copy !req
563. "Sack and burn them. Fuck the earthworks."Copy !req
564. More or less exactly what happened.Copy !req
565. And then we twisted the knife by
not remembering Africa existed.Copy !req
566. - What did they build it for?
- Defences.Copy !req
567. - Keep out the British, I'd imagine.
- Keep out the British!Copy !req
568. Didn't work very well, unfortunately.Copy !req
569. "Here come the white folks. Dig, dig!"Copy !req
570. Of course, you could argue thatCopy !req
571. the Eurasian road network
is a bigger thing,Copy !req
572. cos it covers Portugal
all the way to Siberia.Copy !req
573. - You can drive across the whole lot.
- It's all connected by road.Copy !req
574. - You know...
- So, who do we take this up with?Copy !req
575. The Guinness Book Of Records?
Or do we go to Nigeria?Copy !req
576. They'll go, "I think in fact we
got something bigger, actually."Copy !req
577. And further twist the knife again.Copy !req
578. The monstrous Walls of Benin were
the biggest thing ever builtCopy !req
579. until we monstrously knocked them down.Copy !req
580. All of which brings us
to the monstrous scores.Copy !req
581. It's remarkable.Copy !req
582. I'm going to start...Copy !req
583. You've all done, may I
say, remarkably well.Copy !req
584. In last place,Copy !req
585. with a score that sometimes
could be a winning score,Copy !req
586. of minus seven is Josh Widdicombe.Copy !req
587. In third place, with minus two...Copy !req
588. Ooh! It's Sara Pascoe.Copy !req
589. No! Tell me it ain't so!Copy !req
590. In second place, with
plus five, Alan Davies!Copy !req
591. How close it was,Copy !req
592. because the winner by a whisker
on six points is Phill Jupitus.Copy !req
593. I don't understand it.Copy !req
594. That's all from Sara,
Phill, Josh, Alan and me,Copy !req
595. and I leave you with these
words from Andre Breton.Copy !req
596. "The man who can't visualise a
horse galloping on a tomatoCopy !req
597. "is an idiot."Copy !req
598. Thank you.Copy !req