1. Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.Copy !req
2. Welcome to Qi which, tonight,Copy !req
3. is a menagerie of animals
beginning with M.Copy !req
4. Let's meet our man children.Copy !req
5. The mammalian Romesh Ranganathan...Copy !req
6. .. the marsupial Bill Bailey...Copy !req
7. .. the microscopic Sue Perkins...Copy !req
8. .. and the missing mink Alan Davies.Copy !req
9. So, let's hear it for the
monkeys, please. Sue goes...Copy !req
10. Stop, stop.Copy !req
11. .. Romesh goes...Copy !req
12. .. Bill goes...Copy !req
13. - Which, you do, actually, don't you?
- I do, yeah.Copy !req
14. .. and Alan goes...Copy !req
15. So, it's a menagerie.Copy !req
16. Imagine an imaginary
menagerie managerCopy !req
17. managing an imaginary menagerie.Copy !req
18. Very good, well done.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
19. What's...? What...?
What just happened?Copy !req
20. We're imagining an imaginary
menagerie managerCopy !req
21. - managing an imaginary
menagerie. Boom! - Wow.Copy !req
22. That certainly is impressive.Copy !req
23. It's a menagerie. Animal collections.Copy !req
24. That monkey's really
staring you out, Stephen.Copy !req
25. All right. Now, do an impression,Copy !req
26. if you can, of a moose on the pull.Copy !req
27. A moose on the pull? OK.Copy !req
28. - Very good. Probably. That will
enter into it. - When it goes...Copy !req
29. "Are you a parking ticketCopy !req
30. "cos you got fine
written all over you-ooh?"Copy !req
31. - Is that a genuine pick-up line?
I love it. - I think it might be.Copy !req
32. - "Fine written all over you."
- I'm not actually sure what...Copy !req
33. It's not really the sound.
It's actually a physical... maybe.Copy !req
34. - It's a physical impression.
- Did you do that?Copy !req
35. A male moose would do that...?Copy !req
36. Does it go up...?Copy !req
37. Does it go up on its
rear legs and... Eh?Copy !req
38. Eh? See anything
you like, moose lady?Copy !req
39. Or moose gentleman.Copy !req
40. So, what order of mammal is a moose?Copy !req
41. It is elk, isn't it? Or a deer?Copy !req
42. Well, an elk is simply the European
name for what Americans call a moose.Copy !req
43. - I've seen one. - I've seen one.Copy !req
44. I went to Canada and I was
staying in a cabin... Yeah?Copy !req
45. .. and I woke up in the morning,
and I looked out the window,Copy !req
46. and it was right outside the window.
They're almost entirely silent.Copy !req
47. Yes. They're so stealthy,
you wouldn't think...Copy !req
48. - I mean, they're huge - they're
like a horse... - Oh, right.Copy !req
49. .. but they hardly make any sound
at all, and they creep about.Copy !req
50. Frankly, they're unnerving.
They're surreptitious.Copy !req
51. Surreptitious.
I'm amazed it makes any noise...Copy !req
52. Would be more like this, then?
Would be more like sort of...?Copy !req
53. Don't look. Look away.
Pretend you're a mooseCopy !req
54. at a disco or something.Copy !req
55. Fancy a bunk up?Copy !req
56. Is it something like that?Copy !req
57. "Fancy a bunk up?"Copy !req
58. - It's a moose. - He said,
"Fancy a bunk up?"Copy !req
59. You haven't chatted anyone up
since the '70s, have you?Copy !req
60. I sort of feel sorry for animals...Copy !req
61. Like, well, moose. .. because they
haven't got... How do you...?Copy !req
62. If you're going on
the pull, as a moose,Copy !req
63. how do you stick out from the herd?Copy !req
64. If you're a human and you're
struggling on the pull,Copy !req
65. you can get, like, a snazzy
haircut or, like, a cool jacket.Copy !req
66. Do you know what I mean?Copy !req
67. So, the moose does something else.Copy !req
68. Ah! It goes on Tinder,
is that right?Copy !req
69. There's an equivalent
of tundra... Tinder.Copy !req
70. Is there? Tundra Tinder,
I like it. Tindra.Copy !req
71. What are they, as an order of mammal?Copy !req
72. - They are... - Deer.
- Deer, they are deer.Copy !req
73. What the deer's mating season?Copy !req
74. - The males called it...
- Rut. - They rut.Copy !req
75. One of the things they do
in their rut, the males,Copy !req
76. is they dig a hole...Copy !req
77. - It's the equivalent of
wearing a smart jacket. - OK.Copy !req
78. .. and they urinate into the hole,Copy !req
79. and then they pull all the...Copy !req
80. - pissy mud, let's call it...
- Sexy times. - Yup.Copy !req
81. .. all around their legs
and all around their bodies.Copy !req
82. - They cover themselves
in urine-soaked mud. - Dirty.Copy !req
83. And they go a little distance
from the hole and they sit down.Copy !req
84. They wait for the female to come -Copy !req
85. who, as a female would, would go,Copy !req
86. "I like the smell of this."Copy !req
87. - It's muddy and it's...
- Pissy! - .. slightly pissy.Copy !req
88. Just a little touch of piss.Copy !req
89. And they get in there and
cover themselves in that mixtureCopy !req
90. and then mating happens. And
then he says, "Fancy a bunk up?"Copy !req
91. Yeah.Copy !req
92. But before that, they've got to go
through the other rutting procedure,Copy !req
93. which is why they've got the antlers,
and that's fighting with other males.Copy !req
94. Are there any female moose that
aren't necessarily drawn inCopy !req
95. by the toxic, heady brew of urine,Copy !req
96. mud and some slightly wonky antlers?Copy !req
97. If there are, unfortunately
they'll probably die outCopy !req
98. because the only ones that mate
are the ones that go in for this,Copy !req
99. and they pass on their genes.
What does it smell like?Copy !req
100. As bad as it sounds, I fear.Copy !req
101. Are you moose-curious now?Copy !req
102. I am moose-curious.Copy !req
103. I want to smell
your mud... moosey boy.Copy !req
104. Anyway, to impress the females,
a moose on the pullCopy !req
105. really has to splash out a bit.Copy !req
106. Where would you find the world's
most dangerous moustache?Copy !req
107. Oh, look at Selleck there.Copy !req
108. Can I just point out that this bit
of Hitler's moustache, is that...?Copy !req
109. It is a shadow.Copy !req
110. Did he cut a bit off there
or is that a shadow?Copy !req
111. - That's what tipped him
over the edge. - It was, yes.Copy !req
112. - He was shaving and... - So, we're
criticising Hitler now, are we?Copy !req
113. Yes.Copy !req
114. The more I hear about him,Copy !req
115. the less I like him.Copy !req
116. Of course,
we're in a menagerie world hereCopy !req
117. so this moustache is not
belonging to a human being.Copy !req
118. - A shark. - Is it a horse?Copy !req
119. A moustache on a shark,
that's dangerous.Copy !req
120. Is it the moustached lizard?Copy !req
121. No. - Is it the Terry-Thomas gecko?Copy !req
122. Komodo dragon.Copy !req
123. You could go dragon. It's not
a dragon, it's not an iguana.Copy !req
124. - It's actually...
- The KOMODO dragon.Copy !req
125. Badoing, badoing.Copy !req
126. A gecko. A leaping lizard.Copy !req
127. The Selleck frog.Copy !req
128. Amphibious.Copy !req
129. - The trampolining,
amphibious... - Frog!Copy !req
130. Other one. Toad!Copy !req
131. - Is the right answer. - It's a toad?Copy !req
132. It's a toad.
It's the moustachioed toad.Copy !req
133. - Moustachioed toad. - The Emei.Copy !req
134. - Wow. - Look at that,
that is seriously dangerous.Copy !req
135. Look how he's done it,
he's gelled it up.Copy !req
136. Those studs... Again,
we're back in the rutting world.Copy !req
137. - Oh, God, look at that.
- .. tear into fellow malesCopy !req
138. so that you can get the right mate.Copy !req
139. And then give the
worst snog of all time.Copy !req
140. Well, it lives in China,Copy !req
141. and in the mating season,
it builds up its forearms...Copy !req
142. - Oh, yeah? - Right.Copy !req
143. .. but also for mating -Copy !req
144. for the grasping the female.Copy !req
145. And then it grows this moustacheCopy !req
146. and then they fight a male rivalCopy !req
147. at the bottom of the river streamCopy !req
148. over a particular female -Copy !req
149. and they aim for each other's
stomachs to rip at them.Copy !req
150. Really, it's nasty business.Copy !req
151. 90% of toads involved in this
kind of combat are injured,Copy !req
152. so it's a really pretty...Copy !req
153. God, it make you grateful to be
a human, doesn't it, sometimes?Copy !req
154. Yeah.Copy !req
155. Really? That's your life?Copy !req
156. Underwater stomach ripping?Copy !req
157. Being intestinally jarred by
someone's weird, pointy moustache.Copy !req
158. - Not for me.
- When they then get the female,Copy !req
159. they fertilise the eggs
that the female has laid.Copy !req
160. They get a little rock
and they have to stay on the rockCopy !req
161. or another male might
challenge them for the rock andCopy !req
162. fertilise the spare eggs and
then, when they are hatched...Copy !req
163. - It sheds its horns.
- ..it sheds its moustache...Copy !req
164. - Its love horns.
- .. and goes around clean-shaven.Copy !req
165. Oh, wow.Copy !req
166. Wow. The Emei. E-M-E-I.Copy !req
167. - Emei. - Yeah.Copy !req
168. Now, we all know there are perfectly
good reasons for shaving a toad,Copy !req
169. but why would you want
to shave the monkey?Copy !req
170. Do you know it?Copy !req
171. To find out if it
was the Antichrist.Copy !req
172. Have the 666 or related number,
according to...Copy !req
173. Is it some sort of,
like, monkey stag do?Copy !req
174. - Well... - He goes to sleep and
they shave him completely.Copy !req
175. - And then he'll wake up and go,
"Ha-ha-ha" - It's not that.Copy !req
176. It's like this with extreme
slowness and laziness...Copy !req
177. - Sloth. - Are you a lazy monkey?Copy !req
178. I would be languid...Copy !req
179. - A langur. - A langur.Copy !req
180. - Oh, hello. - Where do you
find langur monkeys?Copy !req
181. That one in the middle
does not look lazy.Copy !req
182. Psychotic? Yes.Copy !req
183. - It's langur. - Oh, right, OK.
- That's what they're called.Copy !req
184. Do they like Madagascar?
Do they go there?Copy !req
185. I don't think so.
It's all lemurs, I think.Copy !req
186. They're India. There's a lot of them.Copy !req
187. Such a lot that
there's a real problem.Copy !req
188. They're considered an infestationCopy !req
189. and so Indian authorities decided
they would try something,Copy !req
190. which is...Copy !req
191. - You shave the leader of a particular
troop of langurs... - Yes.Copy !req
192. - .. the alpha male... - Yup.Copy !req
193. .. and rather than him being expelled
and another male taking his place,Copy !req
194. - the group disbands. - Oh.Copy !req
195. And that sort of solves
the problem of the infestationCopy !req
196. because they're a damn nuisance.Copy !req
197. Pests, they're considered. I mean...Copy !req
198. In their own place, the jungle...Copy !req
199. - They can be quite scary.
- .. fantastic.Copy !req
200. It's amazing, leaping through trees.Copy !req
201. Once they get habituated to humans,
they pull your hair, they bite...Copy !req
202. I've got a howler monkey bite
here that still aggravates me.Copy !req
203. "Oh, poor Stephen."Copy !req
204. Were you trying to shave it?Copy !req
205. For your own wicked purposes?Copy !req
206. Just horrible.Copy !req
207. I like a smooth monkey myself.Copy !req
208. Take it away, take it away.
This monkey's too hairy.Copy !req
209. Oh, yes, bring him to me.
I will shave him.Copy !req
210. No, um...Copy !req
211. Oh!Copy !req
212. In 2001, several large langurs were
employed by the Indian government.Copy !req
213. They were paid,
in the form of bananas,Copy !req
214. and they basically had to
police the defence centreCopy !req
215. where rhesus macaques were
stealing food and paperwork,Copy !req
216. - they were pulling women's
saris off... - Paperwork? - Yes.Copy !req
217. - Very anti-bureaucracy monkeys. - It
was the Ministry of Defence complex.Copy !req
218. And so... they were small.Copy !req
219. So they got the big langurs
to police them, essentially,Copy !req
220. and they did.Copy !req
221. They pushed them out
to the post office.Copy !req
222. And they've worked there ever since.Copy !req
223. Doing paperwork.Copy !req
224. The thing is,
the baboons in Cape Town,Copy !req
225. they have to have monitors
because they're protected,Copy !req
226. so they can't actually take them
out and put them on a perch.Copy !req
227. No, it's illegal to kill them.Copy !req
228. It's like killing a cow,
they are sacred...Copy !req
229. in the Hindu religion.Copy !req
230. The God, Lord Hanuman,Copy !req
231. apparently, is the monkey god.Copy !req
232. But they're a damn nuisance, so it's
very difficult to know what to doCopy !req
233. but shaving seems a good answer.Copy !req
234. Well, there you are! Now then,Copy !req
235. how do you titillate this ocelot?Copy !req
236. - Aww!Copy !req
237. Oh, you can't, surely... Do you?Copy !req
238. It's probably vicious,
though, isn't it?Copy !req
239. I mean, these things will
have your arm off, won't they?Copy !req
240. Well done for not saying
the famous thing ofCopy !req
241. - "How do you titillate an ocelot?"
- Which is to...?Copy !req
242. Oscillate its tits a lot.Copy !req
243. You didn't do that.Copy !req
244. This is tree ocelot,Copy !req
245. which actually is better
known by another nameCopy !req
246. which begins with our themed letter.Copy !req
247. There it is. Beautiful animal.Copy !req
248. - Oh. - Oh. - I've played with one...Copy !req
249. A kitten one.Copy !req
250. .. they're absolutely extraordinary.Copy !req
251. You know what they're called?
Margays. Margays.Copy !req
252. Margay. M-A-R-G-A-Y. Margay.Copy !req
253. Margay.Copy !req
254. And they are a tree ocelot because,
as you can see from that photo,Copy !req
255. they are tree-dwelling.Copy !req
256. Have you shaved it, Stephen?Copy !req
257. They are almost unique amongst
the cat family in that,Copy !req
258. not only can they climb
trees headfirst...Copy !req
259. They can fell them...Copy !req
260. They can descend trees headfirst -Copy !req
261. which no other cat,
except the cloud leopard, can do.Copy !req
262. - God, look at that. - There they are.
- He's rappelling.Copy !req
263. - He's rappelling down...
- He is, isn't he? - Look at that.Copy !req
264. And they do this by revolving
their ankles 180 degrees.Copy !req
265. - It's astonishing.
- Oh, that is fascinating.Copy !req
266. They really are extraordinary
and so poised in balance,Copy !req
267. but there are not
many tree-living cats.Copy !req
268. - Are their ankles...?
- Margays, they're called? - Yep.Copy !req
269. And the fact that other
cats can't is the reason...Copy !req
270. The cat stuck in the tree business.Copy !req
271. They are stunning.Copy !req
272. They live in central
and southern America.Copy !req
273. They can imitate...Copy !req
274. The really rare thing about them,
no other cat can do this,Copy !req
275. they can imitate...Copy !req
276. Paul Daniels.Copy !req
277. - They can imitate... - All the
characters from Coronation Street.Copy !req
278. They can imitate Bruce Forsyth.Copy !req
279. They imitate the
calls of wild monkeys.Copy !req
280. Jimmy Carr laughing.Copy !req
281. The pied tamarin is
the famous one there.Copy !req
282. - Look at that. - What is that?Copy !req
283. Head... submerged in fur.Copy !req
284. That's a really cute bodyCopy !req
285. attached to the most hideous
head I've ever seen.Copy !req
286. It's a pied tamarin. I don't think
it usually looks quite as...Copy !req
287. Well, odd as that.Copy !req
288. A small little...
Like a tree monkey?Copy !req
289. Yep, exactly.Copy !req
290. Now, for a question about migration,Copy !req
291. I'm going to ask you
all to take out a mapCopy !req
292. that you should find
beneath your desks.Copy !req
293. - Oh, yeah. - There you are.Copy !req
294. And you've got some
drawing to do on the map.Copy !req
295. I want you to draw the extraordinaryCopy !req
296. annual migration of the
North American blue grouseCopy !req
297. - as accurately as you can. - Right.
North America. OK, so anywhere...?Copy !req
298. Not Alaska, then?
Is it Alaska? Could be Alaska?Copy !req
299. The point is
that I don't tell you until...Copy !req
300. I've got a feeling...Copy !req
301. that they want to get to
another bit of North America,Copy !req
302. but they go the wrong way...Copy !req
303. .. and they end up going all
the way around the worldCopy !req
304. - and landing on the other
kind of... - OK, there you go.Copy !req
305. Florida for the sunCopy !req
306. and then to the Carnival in RioCopy !req
307. and then to Sydney...Copy !req
308. And then Cape Town, is it?Copy !req
309. So they go to all the Mardi Gras?Copy !req
310. Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.Copy !req
311. They're just mad for it.Copy !req
312. And then up here,
where there's, like,Copy !req
313. a cheese-rolling in Britain,
they like that.Copy !req
314. And then they're just knackered.Copy !req
315. and the ones that are
still alive, back home.Copy !req
316. It's a fantastic route.Copy !req
317. I just think that sort ofCopy !req
318. they go...
just on a trip round South AmericaCopy !req
319. just to have a look -
might as well make a day of it.Copy !req
320. - I reckon they go about
a mile to the next village. - Yeah.Copy !req
321. Well, I think what
happens is they start offCopy !req
322. and they overshoot, and they end
up going completely round,Copy !req
323. not hitting any landmass
at all, and they think,Copy !req
324. "We'll give it one more go,"
and they end up in Colchester.Copy !req
325. They've no idea but, for millennia,Copy !req
326. they've ended up in Colchester.Copy !req
327. Alan, yours... Show the
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
328. Oh, dear.Copy !req
329. Well, wouldn't it be
funny if you were right?Copy !req
330. You're trying not to smile.Copy !req
331. - You're trying not to.
- I don't want to look at it.Copy !req
332. - You like it. - I don't like it.
I don't like it.Copy !req
333. "Do I like these?
I don't like these."Copy !req
334. - It's funny. - I don't like it.Copy !req
335. - OK... - I don't like it!Copy !req
336. Stop that. OK.Copy !req
337. Incredibly,Copy !req
338. closest to the truth was Alan.Copy !req
339. Hold on.Copy !req
340. Not in your drawingCopy !req
341. but in the remark you... My first
idea that they leave AmericaCopy !req
342. and go right around the world
and land in America again?Copy !req
343. - No. In the remark you
just made to Bill. - What?Copy !req
344. "I reckon they just..."Copy !req
345. Go about a mile to the next village.Copy !req
346. Yes!Copy !req
347. It's even less than that.Copy !req
348. It's extraordinary
migration is 300 yards.Copy !req
349. My kind of bird.Copy !req
350. I love the thought of
them packing their cases...Copy !req
351. - Leaving a note for the milkman.
- Are we there yet? Are we there yet?Copy !req
352. "Unplug the telly!"Copy !req
353. Every spring, it goes down
to its breeding groundsCopy !req
354. and then, in the autumn,Copy !req
355. it schleps all the way
back up the hill again.Copy !req
356. That's...Copy !req
357. Does it take a long time?Copy !req
358. On foot, by the way. Not even flying.Copy !req
359. I mean, they are massive, aren't
they? Based on those footprints.Copy !req
360. Enormous.Copy !req
361. Yes. The name for the insatiable
urge to migrate is Zugunruhe.Copy !req
362. It's German for
movement and restlessness.Copy !req
363. Zugunruhe!Copy !req
364. But anyway, where does a marsh
warbler go for singing lessons?Copy !req
365. - A marsh warbler...? - Marsh warbler.
Do they copy other birds' songs?Copy !req
366. Is it one of those?Copy !req
367. Take a lot of points.
Come on, points.Copy !req
368. You're absolutely right.Copy !req
369. Mimicry.Copy !req
370. Usually, you think bird learns its
musical repertoire from its parentsCopy !req
371. and almost all birds do.Copy !req
372. The marsh warbler doesn't,Copy !req
373. because its parents stop
singing before it hatches.Copy !req
374. They've got 31 EuropeanCopy !req
375. and 45 African speciesCopy !req
376. in their repertoire.Copy !req
377. So, they sound like all the birds
of Africa and Europe to us.Copy !req
378. And they can switch
from one to another...?Copy !req
379. Yeah, because they're just imitating
all the different ones around them.Copy !req
380. Do they have the own distinctive
one, or is just a composite?Copy !req
381. No. You can never tell it's
a marsh warbler by listening.Copy !req
382. We can hear one.Copy !req
383. We might have a bird expert in
saying, "Ah, it is imitating the..."Copy !req
384. If you got a marsh warbler
and you just played it...Copy !req
385. Taylor Swift or something,
would it start...?Copy !req
386. Because that's your
go-to thing, is it?Copy !req
387. I've got a marsh warbler,
I want to see what this can do.Copy !req
388. Let's get some Taylor Swift...Copy !req
389. Swift, oddly enough, great birdies.Copy !req
390. Taylor Swallow.Copy !req
391. No, you're going into
dangerous territory there.Copy !req
392. Dear, oh, dear.Copy !req
393. That's excellent.Copy !req
394. "Taylor Swallow."Copy !req
395. I'm going to play you
a bird song right now...Copy !req
396. I had a dream about
that the other night.Copy !req
397. - No need. - I'm going to
play you a bird song.Copy !req
398. No need for that.Copy !req
399. What's this?Copy !req
400. "Help me. Help me."Copy !req
401. "He's shaving me again."Copy !req
402. So, we've got it over there.Copy !req
403. "You can't park here."Copy !req
404. That quite close, "Can't park."Copy !req
405. - Illegal item in the bagging area.
- Morepork!Copy !req
406. - Wahey, got it. Morepork.
- Morepork. - Morepork.Copy !req
407. There it is on the left.Copy !req
408. It's also a Tasmanian owl
but it's called a morepork.Copy !req
409. - I thought you had just translated
what that meant. - Yeah.Copy !req
410. He said, "More pork." Correct.
He's asking for more pork.Copy !req
411. He's asking for more pork. Yes.Copy !req
412. And we've heard the marsh warbler.Copy !req
413. The monotonous lark is so-called
cos it's monotonous.Copy !req
414. A monotonous lark.Copy !req
415. "Come on, we're going
on a monotonous lark."Copy !req
416. We're going on
a narrow boat holiday.Copy !req
417. THAT is a monotonous lark.Copy !req
418. I went on one of those.Copy !req
419. "Oh, that'll will be fun.
Let's go on a narrow boat holiday,"Copy !req
420. and everyone was taking turns
doing the engine.Copy !req
421. Cut to a couple of miles later,Copy !req
422. everyone downstairs
drinking wine.Copy !req
423. Me upstairs...Copy !req
424. .. for three days.Copy !req
425. Three days like that...Copy !req
426. "Do you want a glass of wine, Bill?"Copy !req
427. "No, no, I'm fine up here.
I'll be fine."Copy !req
428. Worst weekend of my life.Copy !req
429. I just want you to know that nothing
involving Norfolk is ever monotonous.Copy !req
430. - The marabou stork... - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
431. ..is often given the label,Copy !req
432. "The ugliest bird in
the animal kingdom..."Copy !req
433. That's not fair.Copy !req
434. OK, name an uglier one.Copy !req
435. - All right. - Don't make me say it.Copy !req
436. No!Copy !req
437. Edwina Currie. Oh!Copy !req
438. Avian...Copy !req
439. One of the reasons it's
considered so ugly is...Copy !req
440. Edwina Currie, really?
I wouldn't have gone straight there.Copy !req
441. - It was a good choice, wasn't it? I
went through a couple. - It was safer.Copy !req
442. It was like you had it...Copy !req
443. "Don't make me say it -
Edwina Currie."Copy !req
444. And I DIDN'T make you say that.Copy !req
445. The reason the marabou stork
is considered so ugly, perhaps,Copy !req
446. is not just its appearance.Copy !req
447. It's because of its behaviour.Copy !req
448. It's peevish.Copy !req
449. Well, it squirts
its excrement onto its legs,Copy !req
450. such that... They are black,Copy !req
451. but they become white because
they get dried on, caked on...Copy !req
452. That's laziness, isn't it?Copy !req
453. If Montgomery Burns, from
The Simpsons, was a bird...Copy !req
454. - That would be! You're right.
- That would be it, yeah.Copy !req
455. It dumps on its own leg...Copy !req
456. Poo on my legs, excellent.Copy !req
457. They'll eat just about
any creature living or dead -Copy !req
458. along with faeces,
scraps, carrion, human rubbish -Copy !req
459. including shoes and pieces of metal.Copy !req
460. They're pretty dodgy creatures.Copy !req
461. Marsh warblers just make
it up as they go along.Copy !req
462. Now for a question about metamor...Copy !req
463. What happened while I was reading...?Copy !req
464. I had my back turned to you and
I was looking at the blackboard.Copy !req
465. Honestly, sir. Nothing, sir.Copy !req
466. No, sir, Davies showed me
a picture of a penis, sir.Copy !req
467. - He showed me that, sir. - Sir, sir.Copy !req
468. That is not a penis. Sir, sir, look
at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.Copy !req
469. I never drew such thing, sir.Copy !req
470. What's wrong with his penis
if he draws one like that, sir?Copy !req
471. He drew a penis on the world.Copy !req
472. He drew a penis on the world!Copy !req
473. That's got...
That's illegal, isn't it?Copy !req
474. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
475. Now it's time to stumble blindly
into the morass of General Ignorance.Copy !req
476. Fingers on buzzers. All right.Copy !req
477. Where does a mosquito
go to concentrate?Copy !req
478. A blood bank.Copy !req
479. Very good.Copy !req
480. - Library. - Library? Oh, no, Sue!Copy !req
481. Of course, the word "concentrate"
can mean different thingsCopy !req
482. and we mean a concentrate...Copy !req
483. - Where's the greatest
concentration... - Oh, I see.Copy !req
484. .. of mozzies? Where?Copy !req
485. - A marsh. - Near rivers and things.Copy !req
486. - Yeah, well. - Swamps. - Where?Copy !req
487. Africa?Copy !req
488. Not Africa?Copy !req
489. Scotland. Mediterranean.Copy !req
490. Loads of midges in Scotland.Copy !req
491. Midges, yes, but
these are mosquitoes.Copy !req
492. Specifically mosquitoes. Portugal.Copy !req
493. It's that quantity,
you don't get that in Africa,Copy !req
494. you don't get that in...
Where's that? Panama,Copy !req
495. you don't get that
in south-east Asia.Copy !req
496. You get that only in the Arctic.Copy !req
497. Oh. The Arctic. Oh.Copy !req
498. In Alaska and Manitoba.Copy !req
499. Where there's virtually nothing
alive with no blood anywhere.Copy !req
500. I've never seen...
I've been to Alaska lotsCopy !req
501. and never seen a mosquito.Copy !req
502. - Well, you have to be there at...
- The right time.Copy !req
503. Or wrong time, really, yeah.Copy !req
504. There's the beauty that is Alaska,Copy !req
505. and the standing pools of waterCopy !req
506. are perfect for mosquito breeding.Copy !req
507. Yes, the densest concentrations
of mosquitoes in the worldCopy !req
508. are in the Arctic.Copy !req
509. Including all the animals,Copy !req
510. on average, how many
legs does an animal have?Copy !req
511. What's the average number
of legs that animals have?Copy !req
512. - Oh, you... That's tough...
- All living things.Copy !req
513. - .. because you've got to balance...
- Three!Copy !req
514. ..a millipede...Copy !req
515. My guess is that most numbers
will be in the system.Copy !req
516. I mean, there are billions
of things like ants, aren't there?Copy !req
517. There are. Insects.
Gigantic. They have six.Copy !req
518. That must bump the average right up.Copy !req
519. There are huge numbers of mites
and they all have eight.Copy !req
520. And then you got millipedes
and centipedes.Copy !req
521. - But lots of them have none.
- Worms have got none.Copy !req
522. - Stick with that thought. - So, worms
have got no legs. - Slugs have none.Copy !req
523. One! One leg!Copy !req
524. - That's it.
- That the closest we've got.Copy !req
525. I'm afraid it's not...Copy !req
526. Is it no legs?Copy !req
527. Well, it's... 0.01 is the average.Copy !req
528. Because there's that many worms.Copy !req
529. Because... Is this cos of fish?Copy !req
530. No, it's because nematodes.Copy !req
531. Oh.Copy !req
532. Yeah, they're a sort of worm.Copy !req
533. There are ten to the power of 22,Copy !req
534. which is a vast number, on Earth.Copy !req
535. What is that?Copy !req
536. 100 times more than there are mitesCopy !req
537. and 1,000 times more than
there are insects.Copy !req
538. There's a parasitic nematode
that lives in the human eye...Copy !req
539. Oh! My God.Copy !req
540. .. and it can grow to
seven centimetres long,Copy !req
541. which is... What? serious.Copy !req
542. Wahey!Copy !req
543. No, we don't want to
see that. Come on.Copy !req
544. How can you tell if you've
got a nematode in your eye?Copy !req
545. Would you feel it wriggling around?Copy !req
546. Would it be wiggling...? Would
you see it moving, for example?Copy !req
547. You'd hear it talking. If it's
like that, a friend would see it.Copy !req
548. A friend would say, "Oh, just a sec
till I get the corner of my hanky,Copy !req
549. "you've got an...
enormous worm in your eye!"Copy !req
550. - Yes. Hypocrite. First cast out
the nematode in your eye. - Yes.Copy !req
551. Judge not and you'll be not judged.Copy !req
552. Yes, so many animals
are completely leglessCopy !req
553. that the overall average is
about 100th of a leg each.Copy !req
554. Finally, a question about macropods.Copy !req
555. How many legs does a kangaroo have?Copy !req
556. Oh, don't say any numbers.Copy !req
557. Don't say any numbers.Copy !req
558. Do you know my favourite
bit in Toy Story?Copy !req
559. Go on.Copy !req
560. - It's the dinosaur that's
got little arms, right? - Yeah.Copy !req
561. And he doesn't want
to see something -Copy !req
562. something terrible is
happening - and he goes,Copy !req
563. "Somebody cover my eyes!"Copy !req
564. That is a brilliant moment.Copy !req
565. I love that bit.Copy !req
566. Two. Two.Copy !req
567. It won't be nought or four either.Copy !req
568. "How many legs...?"Copy !req
569. How many LEGS has it got?Copy !req
570. Well, you won't like
this answer but...Copy !req
571. Simon Fraser University
in Burnaby, Canada,Copy !req
572. corralled red kangaroos
through a chamberCopy !req
573. which measured the downward forces.Copy !req
574. They discovered that kangaroos
put their front legs on the groundCopy !req
575. and move their back legs forwardsCopy !req
576. at the same time as they
push their tail onto the floorCopy !req
577. and use it to propel
themselves forward.Copy !req
578. The team found that the
amount of force from the tailCopy !req
579. was as great as that from the
other four limbs combined...Copy !req
580. - So, it's five? - .. making it
effectively a fifth leg,Copy !req
581. so not just a fifth leg,
but the most important of the five.Copy !req
582. Yeah.Copy !req
583. It's a tail, though, isn't it?Copy !req
584. It is a tail,
but it's a kind of limb.Copy !req
585. Well, if you'd said limbs...Copy !req
586. Yes, sir? Five.Copy !req
587. - No, no, you can't have that.
- No, he can't. He can't.Copy !req
588. He can't have that.Copy !req
589. Minus 5 for rank
standing impertinence.Copy !req
590. The point is, you could cut off...
Obviously, you shouldn't.Copy !req
591. ..a kangaroo's forearms or arms...Copy !req
592. and it could get
around perfectly happilyCopy !req
593. and you could cut off one
of its rear legs and evenCopy !req
594. it could still hop and get around -Copy !req
595. but if you cut off its tail,
it couldn't...Copy !req
596. You'd be a sadistic bastard.Copy !req
597. Which scientist
conducted that experiment?Copy !req
598. Kangaroos have almost
five legs above average,Copy !req
599. which brings me to,
miraculously, the scores.Copy !req
600. Oh, no. - Oh, dear.Copy !req
601. Oh, my, good night.Copy !req
602. Well, nobody managed to push through
into a positive number, I'm afraid.Copy !req
603. But our least successful on
minus 28...Copy !req
604. I know why, and it's...
Oh, Sue Perkins.Copy !req
605. "I know why."Copy !req
606. In third place, on minus 8,
is Romesh.Copy !req
607. Oh, yes!Copy !req
608. And please don't fall
off these dizzy heights.Copy !req
609. Alan Davies on minus 3.Copy !req
610. Pretty pleased with that.Copy !req
611. And our super soaraway
winner on minus 1 is Bill Bailey.Copy !req
612. So, it's good night from Romesh,
Sue, Bill, Alan and me.Copy !req
613. You have been magnificent and
I want you to stay that way.Copy !req
614. Many thanks and good night.Copy !req