1. Good evening, good evening,Copy !req
2. good evening, good evening
and welcome to QI,Copy !req
3. where this week we're under
doctor's ordersCopy !req
4. as we dissect
a medley of maladies.Copy !req
5. Joining me in the waiting room withCopy !req
6. a 1984 edition of The People's
Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter!Copy !req
7. Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.Copy !req
8. Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.Copy !req
9. And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. So buzzers, please, nurse.Copy !req
11. Lucy goes...Copy !req
12. For the ignorant nonsenses
amongst you,Copy !req
13. that was Dr Zhivago's theme music.Copy !req
14. Matt goes...Copy !req
15. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEMECopy !req
16. For those under 80,
that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.Copy !req
17. Ross Noble, he goes...Copy !req
18. No, I don't know what that was.Copy !req
19. And Alan goes...Copy !req
20. - Oh, more of that. - Yeah, goodness,
gracious me, there you are.Copy !req
21. So, come in, lie down,
pop your feet in the stirrupsCopy !req
22. and let's see what the trouble is.Copy !req
23. What did Typhoid Mary die of?Copy !req
24. Oh, don't start.Copy !req
25. Yes, Ross?Copy !req
26. Was it lack of circulation
to her toe?Copy !req
27. Yes, it is a possibility.Copy !req
28. Is it typhoid?Copy !req
29. Oh, no!Copy !req
30. Her name, as the label around that
toe said, was Mary Mallon.Copy !req
31. And she was known as Typhoid Mary.Copy !req
32. What did she die of?
It wasn't typhoid. Erm...Copy !req
33. Why am I interrupting you?
I don't even know.Copy !req
34. That's QI!Copy !req
35. - There was nothing wrong with her.
- Car crash.Copy !req
36. Boredom, she died of boredom,
waiting to get typhoid...Copy !req
37. - That's what I was going to say.
- .. and never getting it.Copy !req
38. She had typhoid.Copy !req
39. But she never had symptoms?Copy !req
40. Yes! Thank you.
Thank you, Lucy Porter.Copy !req
41. You're welcome, Stephen Fry!Copy !req
42. Typhoid Mary,
round about the turn of the century,Copy !req
43. was a cook in New York.
An Irish immigrant.Copy !req
44. - As the name would suggest. - Yep.Copy !req
45. And she had typhoid,
but no symptoms. She wasn't ill.Copy !req
46. She was immune to it,
to all intents and purposes.Copy !req
47. But she was able to give it
to others. And she did.Copy !req
48. 30, 40, 50 people, possibly.Copy !req
49. Must be freezing in that ward,
with all that snow.Copy !req
50. It's taken his mind off the fact
that he's beingCopy !req
51. attacked by an octopus.Copy !req
52. Something with trailing legs.Copy !req
53. They're all lying there saying,Copy !req
54. "Sorry, what did you
say your name was? What Mary?Copy !req
55. "Glad to be sharing a ward
with you."Copy !req
56. The sad thing is that she was not
a nice person by anyCopy !req
57. - way of looking at it. - All right,
Stephen, she's dead, come on.Copy !req
58. The thing is,
she worked in households as a cook,Copy !req
59. and people would die of typhoid
in the household where she cooked.Copy !req
60. And she would mysteriously leave
and take up a job in another one.Copy !req
61. - So she knew that she was a carrier.
- Oh, she was a carrier?Copy !req
62. Because she was put into quarantine.Copy !req
63. And then she could go free as long as
she never worked in service again,Copy !req
64. didn't cook. Within weeks,
she got another job as a cook.Copy !req
65. And she tried to hide
from the authorities.Copy !req
66. So she ended up, the last two decades
of her life, in quarantine.Copy !req
67. She died of pneumonia, in fact.Copy !req
68. How did she pass it on? Saliva?
Fluids, body fluids.Copy !req
69. Because she... Yes, she had typhoid.Copy !req
70. - She went...Copy !req
71. Yeah.Copy !req
72. - She actually coughed. - She didn't have
to wee in the soup or anything?Copy !req
73. Until her name has become
synonymous...Copy !req
74. Now, what's the most deadly thing you
can find in a doctor's waiting room?Copy !req
75. And you can look at that picture...
A copy of the Daily Telegraph.Copy !req
76. I'm guessing, looking at that
example, is it the tiny baby bearCopy !req
77. which has crawled out from inside
that plant there?Copy !req
78. Is it going to be that lethal water
carrier thing in the corner?Copy !req
79. Hang on, right next to a lamp?
Water, next to electricity?Copy !req
80. - That's a health and safety
- nightmare!Copy !req
81. "These people are seconds from
death, why?"Copy !req
82. - You've got a fire engine there,
you'll be fine. - Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
83. On an electrical fire?
Are you mad?Copy !req
84. Come on!Copy !req
85. Does she take the pen and stab
everyone in the waiting room?Copy !req
86. That WOULD be dangerous.
Actually, Ross got it straight away.Copy !req
87. - Shut your face. - It's the bear.
- I knew it was the bear!Copy !req
88. Aha! The murderer is in this
very room!Copy !req
89. You can't trust bears,
bears are shifty.Copy !req
90. - Can I say, that isn't actually
a bear. - It looks like a bear.Copy !req
91. If it were a bear,Copy !req
92. it would be far and away the most
dangerous thing in the room.Copy !req
93. I say to you, prove it.Copy !req
94. It's a soft, cuddly toy.Copy !req
95. - Covered in germs!
It's a carrier of diseases. - Yes.Copy !req
96. It's Bear Mary.Copy !req
97. - Bear's Bear, yes. - Typhoid Bear.
Typhoid Beary, yeah.Copy !req
98. Typhoid Bearer!
Do you see what she did there!Copy !req
99. Typhoid Bearer, eh!Copy !req
100. Because a bear can't...Copy !req
101. A bear
can't shit in the woods...Copy !req
102. I don't know if I can really say
this, it sounds odd,Copy !req
103. but the bear can't be wiped down.Copy !req
104. You've tried!Copy !req
105. Well, it CAN obviously be
wiped down...Copy !req
106. You've wiped a lot of bears down,
come on, Stephen!Copy !req
107. - You can chuck it in the machine,
can't you? Your teddy bear? - I do.Copy !req
108. - Yeah. - You can do what?
- Chuck it in the machine.Copy !req
109. - On a hot wash, on a boil. - You can.Copy !req
110. There is something very eerieCopy !req
111. when you put kids'
toys in the machine and wash themCopy !req
112. - and you just see their little faces
pressed against the glass. - Aw!Copy !req
113. - Because you say to the kids,
you next!Copy !req
114. Children sit there,
watching them going round and round.Copy !req
115. Now we know why it's called
Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
116. Hey! You're right!Copy !req
117. His real name is
Winnie the Filthy Shit.Copy !req
118. Thank you, thank you very much.Copy !req
119. 13.5% of hard toys in GP's
waiting rooms...Copy !req
120. Don't google that, whatever you do!Copy !req
121. Don't google hard toys,
don't google wiping down bears...Copy !req
122. It's a nightmare.Copy !req
123. Certainly not
Winnie the Filthy Shit.Copy !req
124. She's a lovely girl, but she should
never have started that website.Copy !req
125. Not while you're eating, anyway.Copy !req
126. A shocking 90% of soft toys
had serious,Copy !req
127. moderate to heavy bacterial
contamination.Copy !req
128. That's what I want
to leave you with.Copy !req
129. Why do you think that the magazines
in doctor's waiting roomsCopy !req
130. are so dull, so uninteresting?Copy !req
131. - Because people steal the good ones,
presumably? - Is the right answer!Copy !req
132. Very good!Copy !req
133. - It's as simple as that. - Yeah? - Yeah.Copy !req
134. Then I'm not the only one then,
that is good.Copy !req
135. I would never buy Now or Chat,
but if it's there...Copy !req
136. Nobody steals New Statesman
or The Economist.Copy !req
137. You might be able to...Copy !req
138. Where do we stand on the gentleman's
literature in the boothsCopy !req
139. at a place of fluid deposits?Copy !req
140. - Sperm banks? - That's the word
I'm looking for, yes.Copy !req
141. Are they taken away?Copy !req
142. What I'm saying is,
when they provide the, ah-hem-hem,Copy !req
143. where does that stand in the,
you know?Copy !req
144. On the filth scale, what are we...?Copy !req
145. Because I have only done that once.Copy !req
146. And there wasn't literature.Copy !req
147. Strictly speaking, it wasn't
a sperm bank, but...Copy !req
148. Hang on, hang on, no.
No, it was a regular doctor's...Copy !req
149. It was a sperm building society.Copy !req
150. It was a regular...? What?Copy !req
151. You went
to the doctor's for a wank?Copy !req
152. No, no.Copy !req
153. What happened was, I used to live
right out in the bush,Copy !req
154. right out in the countryside.Copy !req
155. - Miles away. - Good!Copy !req
156. - And I needed to do the...
- Were you on a register?Copy !req
157. I am now.
But we lived too far away...Copy !req
158. By the time you've done
the deposit in the beaker...Copy !req
159. - Your sperm have died.
- Exactly! By the time you drove in.Copy !req
160. So my wife said, "Hey, why don't
we just go to the regular doctor's,Copy !req
161. - "and you nip into the..." - Oh...Copy !req
162. And the only thing that was
in there was,Copy !req
163. you know on a ladies' sanitary bag,Copy !req
164. they have a picture of
a woman in Victorian costume?Copy !req
165. There are very few things
that I'm happy to admit in public,Copy !req
166. but I can't look at Mary Poppins
in the same way now.Copy !req
167. - I, fully, to the, with the...
- You didn't do it in the bag?Copy !req
168. So what I'm saying is,
what I'm saying is,Copy !req
169. when a gentleman goes to a sperm
bank and they provide you with...Copy !req
170. No gentleman goes to a
sperm bank, sir.Copy !req
171. They provide you with a copy of
Smash Hits,Copy !req
172. the One Direction special.Copy !req
173. - Yes. - Or whatever.Copy !req
174. I believe that's
why Harry Styles' hair goes like...Copy !req
175. Something About Harry!Copy !req
176. So there we are.Copy !req
177. The most dangerous thing
in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.Copy !req
178. Which bits of your bodies
could you do without?Copy !req
179. I'm going to give you
an example of a human body.Copy !req
180. So that you can possibly...
That's for you two.Copy !req
181. Kidney, you can lose
a kidney, can't you?Copy !req
182. That is one of the most macabre
bobble heads I've ever seen.Copy !req
183. Whoohoo!Copy !req
184. Should
we take out the bits we think...?Copy !req
185. Yeah, take out a bit that you
think we can do without.Copy !req
186. You're taking out the entire
intestines?Copy !req
187. There goes the liver.Copy !req
188. There goes one lung. And another.Copy !req
189. Don't know what that is,
but it's going.Copy !req
190. Ulgh!Copy !req
191. You got that right,
that's one dead human.Copy !req
192. Are you offering me a lung?Copy !req
193. Half a brain?Copy !req
194. No, I was just
trying to make a pork pie.Copy !req
195. Fine! Fine.Copy !req
196. There it is!Copy !req
197. - If you're... A kidney. - A kidney.
That's what I was looking for.Copy !req
198. It's not good surgical practice
to get rid of everything elseCopy !req
199. - between you and the kidney.
- I couldn't get to the kidney.Copy !req
200. Now I can't get it back
together again. Nurse!Copy !req
201. I'm going to say if you're a man,
you don't... Do you need a nipple?Copy !req
202. It's a very good question,
why men have nipples.Copy !req
203. Well, because they look hot
when they're pierced,Copy !req
204. but apart from that...Copy !req
205. I don't know why else
you would need one.Copy !req
206. The fact is there are lots
of bits you can do without.Copy !req
207. - Tonsils, obviously, you knew that.
- Appendix. You have those out.Copy !req
208. Appendix, you knew that.
What else have you come across?Copy !req
209. - You've given me a kidney, which is
good. - I can't get it back together.Copy !req
210. Gall bladder, you could give me.
Sinuses.Copy !req
211. - Head. - Sinuses?
- You don't need a face. Testes.Copy !req
212. I mean, obviously
we like having testes.Copy !req
213. Mine hasn't got any testes.Copy !req
214. - You won't die if they're taken away.
Uterus. - Uterus, ovaries, all that.Copy !req
215. You can lose those.
Basically, all you need is a neck.Copy !req
216. Half your brain can go.
In fact, there is an operation -Copy !req
217. - a hemispherectomy. You've done
very well with that. - Thanks.Copy !req
218. - If you remove... - Oh, hang on.
Hair. What about hair? - Yes.Copy !req
219. What do you reckon, Matt?Copy !req
220. Well, I don't know why
you're asking me.Copy !req
221. - What happens if I were to remove
four fifths of your liver? - Yeah.Copy !req
222. - It would grow back. - Yes.
That's the thing about livers.Copy !req
223. - They do, they regenerate.
You get that back. - Teeth, obviously.Copy !req
224. Bladders can also be regrown,
amazingly.Copy !req
225. The bones in your leg,
fibula and tibia.Copy !req
226. The fibula isn't load-bearing,Copy !req
227. so you could lose that
and still be able to walk.Copy !req
228. Really? I'll have that out.Copy !req
229. I'm going to do it.Copy !req
230. Can you name one of the most
famous people on earth who has goneCopy !req
231. without a lung
since he was a teenager?Copy !req
232. He, it's a he.Copy !req
233. Justin Bieber.Copy !req
234. - Possibly more famous than Justin
Bieber. - Barack Obama. No, I can't.Copy !req
235. Hang on a minute. More famous
than Justin Bieber. Harry Styles.Copy !req
236. Argentinian.Copy !req
237. I don't know foreign people.
What's all this about?Copy !req
238. There's only one truly famous
Argentinian.Copy !req
239. - I don't know! Pele.
- I don't watch that show.Copy !req
240. Diego Maradona
is the only one I know.Copy !req
241. No, the Pope!Copy !req
242. Oh, yes! He is quite famous.Copy !req
243. Pope Francis, There he is.Copy !req
244. - Oh, yes. - He's gone happily
without a lung for a long time.Copy !req
245. So what happened
when they were picking himCopy !req
246. and all that smoke's coming out the
top...? Oh, I bet he was wheezing.Copy !req
247. "Yeah, you're the Pope!"Copy !req
248. "Oh, my lung. Oh, my lung.
My lung's playing up, mate."Copy !req
249. Was he born with one lung?Copy !req
250. No, as a teenager
he had one removed. So, good.Copy !req
251. Can you pop your bodies away? Did I
just say that? Put your bodies away.Copy !req
252. - We just reacted as if that
was normal. - There's a kidney.Copy !req
253. OK, who might be having sex
on your face right now?Copy !req
254. Kim and Kanye?Copy !req
255. - In your dreams. - They love it.Copy !req
256. Who is having sex
on your face right now?Copy !req
257. Bacteria. It's usually bacteria
so go with me on this one.Copy !req
258. Mites.Copy !req
259. - You said mites, mites was the right
answer. Mites. - Mites. - MITE be.Copy !req
260. Let's consider this.Copy !req
261. There are mites that
live on the human face.Copy !req
262. - They unfortunately...
- They're disgusted already.Copy !req
263. Don't go any further.Copy !req
264. Only 14% of them are visible to the
human eye, most of them are not.Copy !req
265. 14%? Visible?Copy !req
266. "I like your moustache,"
and then it starts curling up...Copy !req
267. Not that visible.Copy !req
268. They're very, very small.Copy !req
269. - They have no anuses.
- Oh, thank God for that!Copy !req
270. No.Copy !req
271. I don't mind the intercourse,
it shitting I can't stand.Copy !req
272. Unfortunately, Alan, unfortunately
the fact they have no anusesCopy !req
273. means that when they die,Copy !req
274. a whole lifetime's waste
is deposited on your face.Copy !req
275. - That's what happens.
- Is this 14% waste you can see? - No.Copy !req
276. - But what percentage...? - That's
a lovely tan you've got there.Copy !req
277. You may be right.Copy !req
278. But what percentage, using tracking
that waste voided at the deathCopy !req
279. of the mite on account of its
having no anus, what percentageCopy !req
280. of human beings has been calculated
to have mites on their face?Copy !req
281. - Oh, I know this. - Yes?
- But I'm not going to tell you.Copy !req
282. I'll guess at either 12 or 86.Copy !req
283. - Any other thoughts?
- 0.1 of a percent. - High.Copy !req
284. The answer is 100%. We all have
these mites on our faces. All of us.Copy !req
285. And you can't wash them out. They
are perfectly happy to have water...Copy !req
286. Her Majesty the Queen?Copy !req
287. - Her Majesty the Queen...
- Royal mites.Copy !req
288. .. has anusless mites wandering
about willy-nilly on her face?Copy !req
289. - Ja wohl! German mites! - Unbelievable.
Her Royal Highness?Copy !req
290. Hard to believe, isn't it?Copy !req
291. But there it is, we all have mites
on our face but there are also,Copy !req
292. some people believe, two thirds,Copy !req
293. and other scientists believe 98%
of us have eyebrow mites. Although...Copy !req
294. one of us here won't
have eyebrow mites.Copy !req
295. Matt might not have eyebrows.Copy !req
296. - So he doesn't. So he doesn't.
- I don't got no eyebrows cos...Copy !req
297. Mum says it's cos I'm special.Copy !req
298. You are special. I am. You are.Copy !req
299. I lost my hair when I was six.
Was it traumatic?Copy !req
300. Did you bang your head or something?Copy !req
301. Well, you know, cos Duncan Goodhew
fell out of a tree. Yeah.Copy !req
302. Well, it was my head he landed on.Copy !req
303. I think it's an overactive immune
system, that something happenedCopy !req
304. and then something inside me said,
"Right, we don't need no hair."Copy !req
305. It treated your hair
as a foreign invader.Copy !req
306. Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day
and we didn't have the window open.Copy !req
307. I don't know.Copy !req
308. Maybe you're just
a super-evolved human,Copy !req
309. cos we don't really need hair.Copy !req
310. No, we do. This country's cold.Copy !req
311. We do. We do.
I suffer. I do suffer.Copy !req
312. Now, which of your organs most
resembles an elephant's trunk?Copy !req
313. Come on.Copy !req
314. - Who wants it? Alan, Ross, me?
Who wants it? - Go on. You. Go on.Copy !req
315. I'm just trying to think of
the most humorous way to phrase it.Copy !req
316. - Yeah, well, no, it's not. It is not
penis. It isn't the penis. - Isn't it?Copy !req
317. - Can your penis do that? - It may...Copy !req
318. Maybe it's a dangling,
pendulous appendage, your penis,Copy !req
319. and so is a trunk, but really,
truly resembling in structure.Copy !req
320. That not one there, is it,
down at the bottom?Copy !req
321. He's got tusks down there.Copy !req
322. Stephen, move out the way.Copy !req
323. - Yeah, no, the elephant can... - Oh!Copy !req
324. Good God.Copy !req
325. Yes, all right.
All right. Very amusing.Copy !req
326. There's an animal that
has organs of generation.Copy !req
327. Let's laugh at that for a long time.Copy !req
328. Yeah, but it is quite funny.Copy !req
329. What is it about the trunk? We have
an organ that is like the trunk.Copy !req
330. Is it the prehensility?
Is that a word?Copy !req
331. African elephants have... The end
have almost like lips which canCopy !req
332. pick up a blade of grass.
Prehensile kind of little bits there.Copy !req
333. But that's... The actual tongue
itself is interesting, it's a muscle.Copy !req
334. Hang on.
- I mean, the lips.Copy !req
335. Have you given us the answer?
- The tongue.Copy !req
336. Our tongue is the same.
Our tongue is also a muscle.Copy !req
337. It's a muscular hydrostat.Copy !req
338. The reason the trunk
can take on any shape isCopy !req
339. because it's all muscle
and mostly, therefore, water,Copy !req
340. which you wouldn't think of
a muscle but it's true.Copy !req
341. And water can't be compressed, of
course. Liquids cannot be compressed.Copy !req
342. It can. I've had a Capri Sun
and they've got that packet.Copy !req
343. You can put them under pressure,
but they will burst out.Copy !req
344. So that means like,
you can pull a muscle,Copy !req
345. so does that mean that sometimes
an elephant will be flicking awayCopy !req
346. and it'll go, "Oh, God! Oh!
I've got a cramp up my trunk."?Copy !req
347. - It's a horrible thought.
- And they have to rub a bit of...Copy !req
348. You have to go some to pull a muscle
in your tongue though, don't you?Copy !req
349. While on the subject of muscles,Copy !req
350. which of us here
has the strongest muscle?Copy !req
351. Well, it's bound to be
the lady, isn't it?Copy !req
352. I don't look like that.
- For the birthing.Copy !req
353. - Yes, so which muscle would it be?
- Pelvic floor?Copy !req
354. They're always going on about
the pelvic floor.Copy !req
355. - It's the uterus.
- Oh, the uterus. - It's a muscle.Copy !req
356. And of all the muscles
in the human body,Copy !req
357. it exerts the most pressure,
pound for pound.Copy !req
358. The amount of force it exerts
is equivalent to a longbow.Copy !req
359. So if you imagine... Good God.Copy !req
360. Pray God, I'm looking
under the desk going,Copy !req
361. "Don't have a longbow
under there, please."Copy !req
362. Is that why when
my wife went into labour,Copy !req
363. she put an apple on my head?Copy !req
364. Well, the jaw can exert pressure
which is extremely high -Copy !req
365. 500 lbs per square inch,
roughly, which is enormous.Copy !req
366. The gluteus maximus is the largest
muscle, the buttock muscle.Copy !req
367. But it is the uterus
that wins the prize.Copy !req
368. Now, you mentioned the gluteus
maximus, the arse muscles there.Copy !req
369. This is a true thing, right?Copy !req
370. It is physically impossible for
the human buttocks to break an egg.Copy !req
371. That's true.Copy !req
372. That is absolutely 100% true
and I've tried it.Copy !req
373. And the beautiful thing...Copy !req
374. - You mean you put it in the crack,
in the cleavage? - As much as you want.Copy !req
375. He's not allowed to work
in kitchens any more.Copy !req
376. But he keeps going back
like Typhoid Mary.Copy !req
377. If you put the egg between
the buttocksCopy !req
378. then it doesn't matter
how hard you squeeze,Copy !req
379. impossible to crack the egg.Copy !req
380. Now, here's the thing.
I know that to be true,Copy !req
381. but there might be people
watching this who question that.Copy !req
382. - I like to think, all over
the country... - People are now...Copy !req
383. - introducing eggs into the area.
- Is Noble lying or not?Copy !req
384. I mean, if you've got somebody
lying there, you put an egg there,Copy !req
385. if someone else is there
to go like that...Copy !req
386. Then that's not the muscle doing it.
OK, yeah. That's the point.Copy !req
387. Can you by a twitch,
a pulling in? I'm doing it now.Copy !req
388. The worry would be... Oh, that
Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.Copy !req
389. That's the worry. That's
probably melting rather than...Copy !req
390. I think the worry is that you do it,
the egg could go right up.Copy !req
391. - That's a worry? - That's interesting...Copy !req
392. So, yes, your tongue
is a muscular hydrostat,Copy !req
393. like an elephant's trunk.Copy !req
394. Who has the best teeth in the world?Copy !req
395. I really like this question.
The Bee Gees.Copy !req
396. - The Bee Gees, they had good teeth.
John Bishop.Copy !req
397. I'm looking for a nation.Copy !req
398. - Americans. - A people.Copy !req
399. - Did you say Americans?
- No, I didn't say it.Copy !req
400. Is it Scandin...?Copy !req
401. - It must be the Scandinavians.
- No. - Oh, no...Copy !req
402. - The English. - Yes!Copy !req
403. - The British! - Yes! - The British
have the best teeth in the world.Copy !req
404. It's true.Copy !req
405. - According to... - We win again!Copy !req
406. According to the OECD,Copy !req
407. the Organisation of Economic
Cooperation and Development,Copy !req
408. - the international body...
- Well remembered.Copy !req
409. .. they looked at all
the different nations of the EarthCopy !req
410. and they found that, according
to fillings and decay and so on,Copy !req
411. that British children had
the best teeth on planet Earth.Copy !req
412. Did they just go to one particular
school in the Nottingham?Copy !req
413. I don't think so. They said that's
cos we've got less fillings.Copy !req
414. Maybe it cos we don't go
to the dentist at all?Copy !req
415. Fewer fillings.
Fewer fillings.Copy !req
416. Oh!Copy !req
417. Knock, knock. Who's there?Copy !req
418. To. To who?Copy !req
419. No, it's "to whom?".Copy !req
420. Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che!Copy !req
421. And now, as is our general practice,Copy !req
422. it's time to prescribe
a dose of General Ignorance.Copy !req
423. Fingers on buzzers. What did
Gabriele Falloppio call these?Copy !req
424. Yes, Lucy?Copy !req
425. My bloody tubes.Copy !req
426. My bloody tubes. He didn't
call them tubes.Copy !req
427. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME
Are they those...?Copy !req
428. What do they call it?
Beats, those headphones, Beats?Copy !req
429. - Fallopians by Dre. - Yeah.Copy !req
430. Fallopian tubes, we think of,
but Falloppio...Copy !req
431. He called them something else.Copy !req
432. He thought, when he identified these
shapes inside the lady person...Copy !req
433. - A lady's pipes. - Yeah.Copy !req
434. He thought they reminded him
of what were in those daysCopy !req
435. rather long musical instruments
with an end like a trumpet's bell.Copy !req
436. These were tubas.
So he called them tubas.Copy !req
437. And if you have a tuba, if you have
a word ending in A in Italian,Copy !req
438. how do you pluralise it?
What is two tuba?Copy !req
439. Tu-be. Tub-e.Copy !req
440. With an E on the end, spelt T-U-B-E.Copy !req
441. So it went around the world
as his "tub-e", his tubas,Copy !req
442. people saw the world tube but
in fact he called them tubas.Copy !req
443. So now when a lady breaks wind,
she can say,Copy !req
444. - "I'm sorry, it's just my fallopian
tubas." - It's the old tuba.Copy !req
445. Exactly. Here's a quick, easy
question. What's a hip fracture?Copy !req
446. - A crack in the hip bone?
- Is it not really a fractureCopy !req
447. - and that's why you're asking us?Copy !req
448. - A hip fracture is not a fracture
of the hip. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
449. It's weird to say this,
but it's true.Copy !req
450. A hip fracture is a fracture of the
femur, of the long thighbone, there.Copy !req
451. OK, but what if you
actually fracture your hip?Copy !req
452. That's a pelvic fracture.Copy !req
453. All right, but what if you
actually fracture your pelvis?Copy !req
454. We could go on and then...Copy !req
455. No, it does seem mad.Copy !req
456. It's a question that was
designed simply to get pointsCopy !req
457. out of Alan and it worked. Well,
no wonder the doctors are going mad.Copy !req
458. It is a bit peculiar, I grant you.Copy !req
459. And we now come
coughing and splutteringCopy !req
460. to the most heavily doctored part
of the whole evening - the scores.Copy !req
461. Oh, my.Copy !req
462. Well, in first place,
with not a cough, not a tickle,Copy !req
463. clear skin, free of mites,
on nine points,Copy !req
464. it's Lucy Porter.Copy !req
465. Thank you.Copy !req
466. In second place, almost as healthy,Copy !req
467. it's Ross Noble on seven points.Copy !req
468. On minus five, with a tickly throat
and not looking too well,Copy !req
469. it's Matt Lucas.Copy !req
470. And groaning and wheezing
at death's doorCopy !req
471. on minus 44,Copy !req
472. - Alan Davies. - What?Copy !req
473. So, it only remains for me to thank
Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.Copy !req
474. I'll leave you with
the words of Rodney Dangerfield.Copy !req
475. When I was born, I was so ugly,Copy !req
476. the doctor slapped my mother.Copy !req
477. Good night.Copy !req