1. Good evening, good evening,Copy !req
2. good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,Copy !req
3. where this week we're under doctor's ordersCopy !req
4. as we dissect a medley of maladies.Copy !req
5. Joining me in the waiting room withCopy !req
6. a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter!Copy !req
7. Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.Copy !req
8. Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.Copy !req
9. And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. So buzzers, please, nurse.Copy !req
11. Lucy goes...Copy !req
12. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO THEMECopy !req
13. For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you,Copy !req
14. that was Dr Zhivago's theme music.Copy !req
15. Matt goes...Copy !req
16. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEMECopy !req
17. For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.Copy !req
18. Ross Noble, he goes...Copy !req
19. DOCTOR WHO THEMECopy !req
20. No, I don't know what that was. LAUGHTERCopy !req
21. And Alan goes...Copy !req
22. - Oh, more of that.
- Yeah, goodness, gracious me, there you are.Copy !req
23. So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrupsCopy !req
24. and let's see what the trouble is.Copy !req
25. What did Typhoid Mary die of?Copy !req
26. Oh, don't start.Copy !req
27. Yes, Ross?Copy !req
28. Was it lack of circulation to her toe?Copy !req
29. Yes, it is a possibility.Copy !req
30. Is it typhoid?Copy !req
31. Oh, no!Copy !req
32. Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon.Copy !req
33. And she was known as Typhoid Mary.Copy !req
34. - What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid.
- Erm...Copy !req
35. Why am I interrupting you? I don't even know.Copy !req
36. That's QI!Copy !req
37. - There was nothing wrong with her.
- Car crash.Copy !req
38. Boredom, she died of boredom, waiting to get typhoid...Copy !req
39. - That's what I was going to say.
- .. and never getting it.Copy !req
40. She had typhoid.Copy !req
41. But she never had symptoms?Copy !req
42. Yes! Thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter.Copy !req
43. You're welcome, Stephen Fry!Copy !req
44. Typhoid Mary, round about the turn of the century,Copy !req
45. was a cook in New York. An Irish immigrant.Copy !req
46. - As the name would suggest.
- Yep.Copy !req
47. And she had typhoid, but no symptoms. She wasn't ill.Copy !req
48. She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes.Copy !req
49. But she was able to give it to others. And she did.Copy !req
50. 30, 40, 50 people, possibly.Copy !req
51. Must be freezing in that ward, with all that snow.Copy !req
52. It's taken his mind off the fact that he's beingCopy !req
53. attacked by an octopus.Copy !req
54. Something with trailing legs.Copy !req
55. - They're all lying there saying,Copy !req
56. "Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?Copy !req
57. "Glad to be sharing a ward with you."Copy !req
58. The sad thing is that she was not a nice person by anyCopy !req
59. - way of looking at it.
- All right, Stephen, she's dead, come on.Copy !req
60. The thing is, she worked in households as a cook,Copy !req
61. and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked.Copy !req
62. And she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one.Copy !req
63. - So she knew that she was a carrier.
- Oh, she was a carrier?Copy !req
64. Because she was put into quarantine.Copy !req
65. And then she could go free as long as she never worked in service again,Copy !req
66. didn't cook. Within weeks, she got another job as a cook.Copy !req
67. And she tried to hide from the authorities.Copy !req
68. So she ended up, the last two decades of her life, in quarantine.Copy !req
69. She died of pneumonia, in fact.Copy !req
70. How did she pass it on? Saliva? Fluids, body fluids.Copy !req
71. Because she... Yes, she had typhoid.Copy !req
72. - She went...
- EXHALESCopy !req
73. Yeah. LAUGHTERCopy !req
74. - She actually coughed.
- She didn't have to wee in the soup or anything?Copy !req
75. Until her name has become synonymous... LAUGHTERCopy !req
76. Now, what's the most deadly thing you can find in a doctor's waiting room?Copy !req
77. - And you can look at that picture...
- A copy of the Daily Telegraph.Copy !req
78. - I'm guessing, looking at that example, is it the tiny baby bearCopy !req
79. which has crawled out from inside that plant there?Copy !req
80. Is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner?Copy !req
81. Hang on, right next to a lamp? Water, next to electricity?Copy !req
82. - That's a health and safety nightmare!Copy !req
83. "These people are seconds from death, why?"Copy !req
84. - You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
85. On an electrical fire? Are you mad?Copy !req
86. Come on!Copy !req
87. - Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room?Copy !req
88. That WOULD be dangerous. Actually, Ross got it straight away.Copy !req
89. - Shut your face.
- It's the bear.
- I knew it was the bear!Copy !req
90. Aha! The murderer is in this very room!Copy !req
91. You can't trust bears, bears are shifty.Copy !req
92. - Can I say, that isn't actually a bear.
- It looks like a bear.Copy !req
93. If it were a bear,Copy !req
94. it would be far and away the most dangerous thing in the room.Copy !req
95. I say to you, prove it.Copy !req
96. It's a soft, cuddly toy.Copy !req
97. - Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases.
- Yes.Copy !req
98. It's Bear Mary.Copy !req
99. - Bear's Bear, yes.
- Typhoid Bear.
- Typhoid Beary, yeah.Copy !req
100. Typhoid Bearer! Do you see what she did there!Copy !req
101. Typhoid Bearer, eh!Copy !req
102. Because a bear can't...Copy !req
103. A bear can't shit in the woods...Copy !req
104. I don't know if I can really say this, it sounds odd,Copy !req
105. but the bear can't be wiped down.Copy !req
106. You've tried!Copy !req
107. Well, it CAN obviously be wiped down...Copy !req
108. You've wiped a lot of bears down, come on, Stephen!Copy !req
109. - You can chuck it in the machine, can't you? Your teddy bear?
- I do.Copy !req
110. - Yeah.
- You can do what?
- Chuck it in the machine.Copy !req
111. - On a hot wash, on a boil.
- You can.Copy !req
112. There is something very eerieCopy !req
113. when you put kids' toys in the machine and wash themCopy !req
114. - and you just see their little faces pressed against the glass.
- Aw!Copy !req
115. - Because you say to the kids, you next!Copy !req
116. Children sit there, watching them going round and round.Copy !req
117. Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh.Copy !req
118. Hey! You're right!Copy !req
119. His real name is Winnie the Filthy Shit.Copy !req
120. Thank you, thank you very much.Copy !req
121. 13.5% of hard toys in GP's waiting rooms...Copy !req
122. Don't google that, whatever you do!Copy !req
123. Don't google hard toys, don't google wiping down bears...Copy !req
124. It's a nightmare.Copy !req
125. Certainly not Winnie the Filthy Shit.Copy !req
126. She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website.Copy !req
127. Not while you're eating, anyway.Copy !req
128. A shocking 90% of soft toys had serious,Copy !req
129. moderate to heavy bacterial contamination.Copy !req
130. That's what I want to leave you with.Copy !req
131. Why do you think that the magazines in doctor's waiting roomsCopy !req
132. are so dull, so uninteresting?Copy !req
133. - Because people steal the good ones, presumably?
- Is the right answer!Copy !req
134. Very good!Copy !req
135. - It's as simple as that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
136. Then I'm not the only one then, that is good.Copy !req
137. I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there...Copy !req
138. Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist.Copy !req
139. You might be able to...Copy !req
140. Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature in the boothsCopy !req
141. at a place of fluid deposits?Copy !req
142. - Sperm banks?
- That's the word I'm looking for, yes.Copy !req
143. Are they taken away?Copy !req
144. What I'm saying is, when they provide the, ah-hem-hem,Copy !req
145. where does that stand in the, you know?Copy !req
146. On the filth scale, what are we...?Copy !req
147. Because I have only done that once.Copy !req
148. And there wasn't literature.Copy !req
149. Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but...Copy !req
150. Hang on, hang on, no. No, it was a regular doctor's...Copy !req
151. It was a sperm building society.Copy !req
152. It was a regular...? What?Copy !req
153. You went to the doctor's for a wank?Copy !req
154. No, no.Copy !req
155. What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush,Copy !req
156. right out in the countryside.Copy !req
157. - Miles away.
- Good!Copy !req
158. - And I needed to do the...
- Were you on a register?Copy !req
159. I am now. But we lived too far away...Copy !req
160. By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker...Copy !req
161. - Your sperm have died.
- Exactly! By the time you drove in.Copy !req
162. So my wife said, "Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's,Copy !req
163. - "and you nip into the..."
- Oh...Copy !req
164. And the only thing that was in there was,Copy !req
165. you know on a ladies' sanitary bag,Copy !req
166. they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume?Copy !req
167. There are very few things that I'm happy to admit in public,Copy !req
168. but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now.Copy !req
169. - I, fully, to the, with the...
- You didn't do it in the bag?Copy !req
170. So what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is,Copy !req
171. when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank and they provide you with...Copy !req
172. No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir.Copy !req
173. They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits,Copy !req
174. the One Direction special.Copy !req
175. - Yes.
- Or whatever.Copy !req
176. I believe that's why Harry Styles' hair goes like...Copy !req
177. Something About Harry!Copy !req
178. So there we are.Copy !req
179. The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.Copy !req
180. Which bits of your bodies could you do without?Copy !req
181. I'm going to give you an example of a human body.Copy !req
182. So that you can possibly... That's for you two.Copy !req
183. Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you?Copy !req
184. That is one of the most macabre bobble heads I've ever seen.Copy !req
185. Whoohoo!Copy !req
186. - Should we take out the bits we think...?Copy !req
187. Yeah, take out a bit that you think we can do without.Copy !req
188. You're taking out the entire intestines?Copy !req
189. There goes the liver.Copy !req
190. There goes one lung. And another.Copy !req
191. Don't know what that is, but it's going.Copy !req
192. Ulgh!Copy !req
193. You got that right, that's one dead human.Copy !req
194. Are you offering me a lung?Copy !req
195. Half a brain?Copy !req
196. No, I was just trying to make a pork pie.Copy !req
197. Fine! Fine.Copy !req
198. There it is!Copy !req
199. - If you're...
- A kidney.
- A kidney. That's what I was looking for.Copy !req
200. It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything elseCopy !req
201. - between you and the kidney.
- I couldn't get to the kidney.Copy !req
202. Now I can't get it back together again. Nurse!Copy !req
203. I'm going to say if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple?Copy !req
204. It's a very good question, why men have nipples.Copy !req
205. Well, because they look hot when they're pierced,Copy !req
206. but apart from that...Copy !req
207. I don't know why else you would need one.Copy !req
208. The fact is there are lots of bits you can do without.Copy !req
209. - Tonsils, obviously, you knew that.
- Appendix. You have those out.Copy !req
210. Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across?Copy !req
211. - You've given me a kidney, which is good.
- I can't get it back together.Copy !req
212. Gall bladder, you could give me. Sinuses.Copy !req
213. - Head.
- Sinuses?
- You don't need a face.
- Testes.Copy !req
214. I mean, obviously we like having testes.Copy !req
215. Mine hasn't got any testes.Copy !req
216. - You won't die if they're taken away. Uterus.
- Uterus, ovaries, all that.Copy !req
217. - You can lose those.
- Basically, all you need is a neck.Copy !req
218. Half your brain can go. In fact, there is an operation -Copy !req
219. - a hemispherectomy.
- You've done very well with that.
- Thanks.Copy !req
220. - If you remove...
- Oh, hang on. Hair. What about hair?
- Yes.Copy !req
221. What do you reckon, Matt?Copy !req
222. Well, I don't know why you're asking me.Copy !req
223. - What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver?
- Yeah.Copy !req
224. - It would grow back.
- Yes. That's the thing about livers.Copy !req
225. - They do, they regenerate. You get that back.
- Teeth, obviously.Copy !req
226. Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly.Copy !req
227. The bones in your leg, fibula and tibia.Copy !req
228. The fibula isn't load-bearing,Copy !req
229. so you could lose that and still be able to walk.Copy !req
230. Really? I'll have that out.Copy !req
231. I'm going to do it.Copy !req
232. Can you name one of the most famous people on earth who has goneCopy !req
233. without a lung since he was a teenager?Copy !req
234. He, it's a he.Copy !req
235. Justin Bieber.Copy !req
236. - Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber.
- Barack Obama. No, I can't.Copy !req
237. Hang on a minute. More famous than Justin Bieber. Harry Styles.Copy !req
238. Argentinian.Copy !req
239. I don't know foreign people. What's all this about?Copy !req
240. There's only one truly famous Argentinian.Copy !req
241. - I don't know!
- Pele.
- I don't watch that show.Copy !req
242. Diego Maradona is the only one I know.Copy !req
243. No, the Pope!Copy !req
244. - Oh, yes! He is quite famous.Copy !req
245. Pope Francis, There he is.Copy !req
246. - Oh, yes.
- He's gone happily without a lung for a long time.Copy !req
247. So what happened when they were picking himCopy !req
248. and all that smoke's coming out the top...? Oh, I bet he was wheezing.Copy !req
249. "Yeah, you're the Pope!"Copy !req
250. "Oh, my lung. Oh, my lung. My lung's playing up, mate."Copy !req
251. Was he born with one lung?Copy !req
252. No, as a teenager he had one removed. So, good.Copy !req
253. Can you pop your bodies away? Did I just say that? Put your bodies away.Copy !req
254. - We just reacted as if that was normal.
- There's a kidney.Copy !req
255. OK, who might be having sex on your face right now?Copy !req
256. Kim and Kanye?Copy !req
257. - In your dreams.
- They love it.Copy !req
258. Who is having sex on your face right now?Copy !req
259. Bacteria. It's usually bacteria so go with me on this one.Copy !req
260. - Mites.Copy !req
261. - You said mites, mites was the right answer. Mites.
- Mites.
- MITE be.Copy !req
262. Let's consider this.Copy !req
263. There are mites that live on the human face.Copy !req
264. - They unfortunately...
- They're disgusted already.Copy !req
265. Don't go any further.Copy !req
266. Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye, most of them are not.Copy !req
267. 14%? Visible?Copy !req
268. "I like your moustache," and then it starts curling up...Copy !req
269. Not that visible.Copy !req
270. They're very, very small.Copy !req
271. - They have no anuses.
- Oh, thank God for that!Copy !req
272. No.Copy !req
273. I don't mind the intercourse, it shitting I can't stand.Copy !req
274. Unfortunately, Alan, unfortunately the fact they have no anusesCopy !req
275. means that when they die,Copy !req
276. a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face.Copy !req
277. - That's what happens.
- Is this 14% waste you can see?
- No.Copy !req
278. - But what percentage...?
- That's a lovely tan you've got there.Copy !req
279. You may be right.Copy !req
280. But what percentage, using tracking that waste voided at the deathCopy !req
281. of the mite on account of its having no anus, what percentageCopy !req
282. of human beings has been calculated to have mites on their face?Copy !req
283. - Oh, I know this.
- Yes?
- But I'm not going to tell you.Copy !req
284. I'll guess at either 12 or 86.Copy !req
285. - Any other thoughts?
- 0.1 of a percent.
- High.Copy !req
286. The answer is 100%. We all have these mites on our faces. All of us.Copy !req
287. And you can't wash them out. They are perfectly happy to have water...Copy !req
288. Her Majesty the Queen?Copy !req
289. - Her Majesty the Queen...
- Royal mites.Copy !req
290. .. has anusless mites wandering about willy-nilly on her face?Copy !req
291. - Ja wohl! German mites!
- Unbelievable. Her Royal Highness?Copy !req
292. Hard to believe, isn't it?Copy !req
293. But there it is, we all have mites on our face but there are also,Copy !req
294. some people believe, two thirds,Copy !req
295. and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites. Although...Copy !req
296. one of us here won't have eyebrow mites.Copy !req
297. Matt might not have eyebrows.Copy !req
298. - So he doesn't. So he doesn't.
- I don't got no eyebrows cos...Copy !req
299. Mum says it's cos I'm special.Copy !req
300. - You are special.
- I am.
- You are.Copy !req
301. - I lost my hair when I was six.
- Was it traumatic?Copy !req
302. Did you bang your head or something?Copy !req
303. - Well, you know, cos Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree.
- Yeah.Copy !req
304. Well, it was my head he landed on.Copy !req
305. I think it's an overactive immune system, that something happenedCopy !req
306. and then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair."Copy !req
307. It treated your hair as a foreign invader.Copy !req
308. Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day and we didn't have the window open.Copy !req
309. I don't know.Copy !req
310. Maybe you're just a super-evolved human,Copy !req
311. cos we don't really need hair.Copy !req
312. No, we do. This country's cold.Copy !req
313. We do. We do. I suffer. I do suffer.Copy !req
314. Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk?Copy !req
315. Come on.Copy !req
316. - Who wants it? Alan, Ross, me? Who wants it?
- Go on. You. Go on.Copy !req
317. I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it.Copy !req
318. - Yeah, well, no, it's not. It is not penis. It isn't the penis.
- Isn't it?Copy !req
319. - Can your penis do that?
- It may...Copy !req
320. Maybe it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis,Copy !req
321. and so is a trunk, but really, truly resembling in structure.Copy !req
322. That not one there, is it, down at the bottom?Copy !req
323. He's got tusks down there.Copy !req
324. Stephen, move out the way.Copy !req
325. - Yeah, no, the elephant can...
- Oh!Copy !req
326. Good God.Copy !req
327. Yes, all right. All right. Very amusing.Copy !req
328. There's an animal that has organs of generation.Copy !req
329. Let's laugh at that for a long time.Copy !req
330. Yeah, but it is quite funny.Copy !req
331. ALAN SNIGGERINGCopy !req
332. What is it about the trunk? We have an organ that is like the trunk.Copy !req
333. Is it the prehensility? Is that a word?Copy !req
334. African elephants have... The end have almost like lips which canCopy !req
335. pick up a blade of grass. Prehensile kind of little bits there.Copy !req
336. But that's... The actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle.Copy !req
337. - Hang on.
- I mean, the lips.Copy !req
338. - Have you given us the answer?
- The tongue.Copy !req
339. Our tongue is the same. Our tongue is also a muscle.Copy !req
340. It's a muscular hydrostat.Copy !req
341. The reason the trunk can take on any shape isCopy !req
342. because it's all muscle and mostly, therefore, water,Copy !req
343. which you wouldn't think of a muscle but it's true.Copy !req
344. And water can't be compressed, of course. Liquids cannot be compressed.Copy !req
345. It can. I've had a Capri Sun and they've got that packet.Copy !req
346. You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out.Copy !req
347. So that means like, you can pull a muscle,Copy !req
348. so does that mean that sometimes an elephant will be flicking awayCopy !req
349. and it'll go, "Oh, God! Oh! I've got a cramp up my trunk."?Copy !req
350. - It's a horrible thought.
- And they have to rub a bit of...Copy !req
351. You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you?Copy !req
352. While on the subject of muscles,Copy !req
353. which of us here has the strongest muscle?Copy !req
354. - Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it?Copy !req
355. - I don't look like that.
- For the birthing.Copy !req
356. - Yes, so which muscle would it be?
- Pelvic floor?Copy !req
357. They're always going on about the pelvic floor.Copy !req
358. - It's the uterus.
- Oh, the uterus.
- It's a muscle.Copy !req
359. And of all the muscles in the human body,Copy !req
360. it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound.Copy !req
361. The amount of force it exerts is equivalent to a longbow.Copy !req
362. - So if you imagine...
- Good God.Copy !req
363. Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going,Copy !req
364. "Don't have a longbow under there, please."Copy !req
365. - Is that why when my wife went into labour,Copy !req
366. she put an apple on my head?Copy !req
367. Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high -Copy !req
368. 500 lbs per square inch, roughly, which is enormous.Copy !req
369. The gluteus maximus is the largest muscle, the buttock muscle.Copy !req
370. But it is the uterus that wins the prize.Copy !req
371. Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus, the arse muscles there.Copy !req
372. This is a true thing, right?Copy !req
373. It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.Copy !req
374. That's true.Copy !req
375. That is absolutely 100% true and I've tried it.Copy !req
376. And the beautiful thing...Copy !req
377. - You mean you put it in the crack, in the cleavage?
- As much as you want.Copy !req
378. He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more.Copy !req
379. But he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary.Copy !req
380. If you put the egg between the buttocksCopy !req
381. then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze,Copy !req
382. impossible to crack the egg.Copy !req
383. Now, here's the thing. I know that to be true,Copy !req
384. but there might be people watching this who question that.Copy !req
385. - I like to think, all over the country...
- People are now...Copy !req
386. - introducing eggs into the area.
- Is Noble lying or not?Copy !req
387. I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there,Copy !req
388. if someone else is there to go like that...Copy !req
389. - Then that's not the muscle doing it.
- OK, yeah.
- That's the point.Copy !req
390. Can you by a twitch, a pulling in? I'm doing it now.Copy !req
391. - The worry would be...
- Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.Copy !req
392. - That's the worry.
- That's probably melting rather than...Copy !req
393. I think the worry is that you do it, the egg could go right up.Copy !req
394. - That's a worry?
- That's interesting...Copy !req
395. So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat,Copy !req
396. like an elephant's trunk.Copy !req
397. Who has the best teeth in the world?Copy !req
398. - I really like this question.
- The Bee Gees.Copy !req
399. - The Bee Gees, they had good teeth.
- John Bishop.Copy !req
400. I'm looking for a nation.Copy !req
401. - Americans.
- A people. KLAXONCopy !req
402. - Did you say Americans?
- No, I didn't say it.Copy !req
403. Is it Scandin...?Copy !req
404. - It must be the Scandinavians.
- No.
- Oh, no...Copy !req
405. - The English.
- Yes!Copy !req
406. - The British!
- Yes!
- The British have the best teeth in the world.Copy !req
407. It's true.Copy !req
408. - According to...
- We win again!Copy !req
409. According to the OECD,Copy !req
410. the Organisation of Economic Cooperation and Development,Copy !req
411. - the international body...
- Well remembered.Copy !req
412. .. they looked at all the different nations of the EarthCopy !req
413. and they found that, according to fillings and decay and so on,Copy !req
414. that British children had the best teeth on planet Earth.Copy !req
415. Did they just go to one particular school in the Nottingham?Copy !req
416. - I don't think so.
- They said that's cos we've got less fillings.Copy !req
417. Maybe it cos we don't go to the dentist at all?Copy !req
418. - Fewer fillings.
- Fewer fillings.Copy !req
419. - Oh!Copy !req
420. - Knock, knock.
- Who's there?Copy !req
421. - To.
- To who?Copy !req
422. No, it's "to whom?".Copy !req
423. Yes! Touche! Tou-bloody-che!Copy !req
424. And now, as is our general practice,Copy !req
425. it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance.Copy !req
426. Fingers on buzzers. What did Gabriele Falloppio call these?Copy !req
427. Yes, Lucy?Copy !req
428. - My bloody tubes.Copy !req
429. My bloody tubes. He didn't call them tubes.Copy !req
430. - DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME
- Are they those...?Copy !req
431. What do they call it? Beats, those headphones, Beats?Copy !req
432. - Fallopians by Dre.
- Yeah.Copy !req
433. Fallopian tubes, we think of, but Falloppio...Copy !req
434. He called them something else.Copy !req
435. He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person...Copy !req
436. - A lady's pipes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
437. He thought they reminded him of what were in those daysCopy !req
438. rather long musical instruments with an end like a trumpet's bell.Copy !req
439. These were tubas. So he called them tubas.Copy !req
440. And if you have a tuba, if you have a word ending in A in Italian,Copy !req
441. how do you pluralise it? What is two tuba?Copy !req
442. - Tu-be.
- Tub-e.Copy !req
443. With an E on the end, spelt T-U-B-E.Copy !req
444. So it went around the world as his "tub-e", his tubas,Copy !req
445. people saw the world tube but in fact he called them tubas.Copy !req
446. So now when a lady breaks wind, she can say,Copy !req
447. - "I'm sorry, it's just my fallopian tubas."
- It's the old tuba.Copy !req
448. Exactly. Here's a quick, easy question. What's a hip fracture?Copy !req
449. - A crack in the hip bone?
- Is it not really a fractureCopy !req
450. - and that's why you're asking us?
- KLAXONCopy !req
451. - A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
452. It's weird to say this, but it's true.Copy !req
453. A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thighbone, there.Copy !req
454. OK, but what if you actually fracture your hip?Copy !req
455. That's a pelvic fracture.Copy !req
456. All right, but what if you actually fracture your pelvis?Copy !req
457. We could go on and then...Copy !req
458. No, it does seem mad.Copy !req
459. It's a question that was designed simply to get pointsCopy !req
460. - out of Alan and it worked.
- Well, no wonder the doctors are going mad.Copy !req
461. It is a bit peculiar, I grant you.Copy !req
462. And we now come coughing and splutteringCopy !req
463. to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores.Copy !req
464. Oh, my.Copy !req
465. Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle,Copy !req
466. clear skin, free of mites, on nine points,Copy !req
467. it's Lucy Porter.Copy !req
468. Thank you.Copy !req
469. In second place, almost as healthy,Copy !req
470. it's Ross Noble on seven points.Copy !req
471. On minus five, with a tickly throat and not looking too well,Copy !req
472. it's Matt Lucas.Copy !req
473. And groaning and wheezing at death's doorCopy !req
474. on minus 44,Copy !req
475. - Alan Davies.
- What?Copy !req
476. So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.Copy !req
477. I'll leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield.Copy !req
478. When I was born, I was so ugly,Copy !req
479. the doctor slapped my mother.Copy !req
480. Good night.Copy !req