1. This programme contains
some strong languageCopy !req
2. Hello.Copy !req
3. Good evening, good evening,
good evening, good evening.Copy !req
4. Welcome to QI, where we are having
a veritable chimp's tea partyCopy !req
5. with jam, jelly and juice.Copy !req
6. Joining me for my midnight feast, we
have the jam-smothered Jo Brand...Copy !req
7. .. the jelly-slathered
Liza Tarbuck...Copy !req
8. .. the juice-bedribbled
Sue Perkins...Copy !req
9. .. and - don't do that
on the floor, please - Alan Davies.Copy !req
10. Well, it's a midnight feast,Copy !req
11. and just in case anyone sees
Matron coming,Copy !req
12. I've equipped my pals with buzzers.
Jo goes...Copy !req
13. .. Liza goes...Copy !req
14. .. Sue goes...Copy !req
15. .. and Alan goes...Copy !req
16. Party time!Copy !req
17. And what begins with J
and appears to be alive?Copy !req
18. Is it me?Copy !req
19. You begin with J, and are most
magnificently, radiantly alive.Copy !req
20. He's on the turn.Copy !req
21. Liza. James Blunt.Copy !req
22. Closer, I grant you.Copy !req
23. Yeah? Jeremy Clarkson. Oh!Copy !req
24. This is something that appears to be
alive and quite obviously isn't.Copy !req
25. Jedward, then.
I'm revising my statement.Copy !req
26. Oh, Sue, so much work to do!Copy !req
27. Yes, in order to find out
if the brain is working, there's
a machine that is used by doctors,Copy !req
28. an electroencephalograph.Copy !req
29. You can tell if a brain is alive
by attaching it.Copy !req
30. And there is something that
quite manifestly isn't alive,Copy !req
31. but if you attach that same machine
to it,Copy !req
32. will give off the same signals
as a brain.Copy !req
33. Is it jelly?Copy !req
34. Yes. Fucking hell!Copy !req
35. I can't quite believe
how intelligent I am sometimes.Copy !req
36. I know... How did I get that?
It was wonderful.Copy !req
37. You're a genius. Is it any type
of jelly, or is it...?Copy !req
38. Sort of large jelly in a mould
on which you could fit
the electrodes of an EEG.Copy !req
39. That kind of jelly, right.
From its EEG results alone,Copy !req
40. it would not qualify as
sufficiently deadCopy !req
41. to have its life support removed.Copy !req
42. That's the point.
I know that seems insane.Copy !req
43. All the other jellies sitting round
the bedside weeping!Copy !req
44. Yes!Copy !req
45. "He's still alive, he's still alive!
You can't turn it off!"Copy !req
46. Comforting one another.
There's one outside having a fag...Copy !req
47. "One wobble for yes,
two wobbles for no!"Copy !req
48. Neurologist Edwin Upton examined
the electroencephalographyCopy !req
49. of gelatine desserts, as he put it,Copy !req
50. to make a serious point
about brain death.Copy !req
51. Because what happens is,Copy !req
52. the jelly picks up extraneous
electrical signals in the roomCopy !req
53. from sources like respirators,
IV drips, even ringing telephones.Copy !req
54. The implication is that
a brain apparently generatingCopy !req
55. similar signals may in fact be
quite dead.Copy !req
56. On the other hand,
it may well be quite alive.Copy !req
57. It isn't enough to use an EEG
to tell whether someone's alive.Copy !req
58. A jelly is always wobbling
just a little bit.
It's always wobbling a little bit.Copy !req
59. But it is rather extraordinary,Copy !req
60. an amazing thought -
at least, I think it is.Copy !req
61. Lovely thought.Copy !req
62. It doesn't mean EEGs are useless,
they just have to be considered
with other thingsCopy !req
63. to suggest whether or not someone is
conscious or alive.Copy !req
64. Is that an excitable jelly just
there that's suddenly flatlined?Copy !req
65. That's probably enough jelly
for the moment.Copy !req
66. There may be more, you never know.Copy !req
67. Jelly's made from boiled-up pigskin.Copy !req
68. Name as many uses for a pig
as you can.Copy !req
69. Erm... Bacon.Copy !req
70. Bacon is one. Truffle snuffling.Copy !req
71. Medicine stuff?
Medicine cases for tablets?Copy !req
72. Oh, for women in pregnancy.Copy !req
73. Doesn't it bring on...?
For inducing pregnancy.Copy !req
74. It's pig's hormones. It does
if one runs through your front room.Copy !req
75. "Ah!" Pft!Copy !req
76. Absolutely staggering,
what you can get out of a pig.
Yoghurt. Yes! I have a list.Copy !req
77. Christien Meindertsma wrote a book
called Pig 05049,Copy !req
78. which was an anonymous pig,Copy !req
79. and beyond the obvious foodstuffs,Copy !req
80. she found the different parts
of this animal offered
the following pork derivatives.Copy !req
81. From the skin alone, safety gloves,
cosmetic surgery.Copy !req
82. Collagen comes from pig skin. Oh.Copy !req
83. Energy bars, which also have
collagen in, low-fat butter,Copy !req
84. chewing gum, X-ray film,Copy !req
85. drug capsules, bread-flour improver,
made from pig hair,Copy !req
86. would you believe? Wow! The skin is
also used for tattoo practice.Copy !req
87. And ballistic gelatine.Copy !req
88. That's just the skin. Then there's
the internal organs. Pet food...Copy !req
89. Tambourine skins are made from
a pig's bladder.Copy !req
90. For the old tambourine.Copy !req
91. I knew those folkies were evil.Copy !req
92. There are many thousands of people
who are alive because of
a pig's valve from their heart.Copy !req
93. From the bones, cheap wine corks,
would you believe?Copy !req
94. Stabilising propellant
in bullet-making,Copy !req
95. ink-jet paper, concrete,Copy !req
96. match heads, bone china,
train brakes, yoghurt,Copy !req
97. which you correctly mentioned.
What's a train brake?
It's for stopping a train.Copy !req
98. Like where you go to Scotland
for the weekend? For stopping it.Copy !req
99. Just a trotter out.
He just leans forward.Copy !req
100. Fabric softener. Who knew?Copy !req
101. Beer, wine, ice cream.Copy !req
102. From the fat,
biodiesels, soap, shampoos, crayons.Copy !req
103. From the blood,
cigarette filters, amazingly,Copy !req
104. toothpaste and paintbrushes.Copy !req
105. Chemical-weapons testing -
the ears are usedCopy !req
106. in chemical-weapons testing.
Don't ask me why.Copy !req
107. I should hasten to add
that not all toothpaste
and not all yoghurt contain it.Copy !req
108. But if you are a Muslim or Jewish,
you've got a problem discovering
what's got pig in it.Copy !req
109. Have your work cut out.
You have your work cut out,
like a silhouettist.Copy !req
110. According to Bloomberg, there are
42 major areas of manufacturingCopy !req
111. that entirely rely on pork products.Copy !req
112. It's quite astonishing
what that one animal can do.Copy !req
113. And it's the only farmyard animal,
if you discount truffle hunting,Copy !req
114. that is only useful when dead.Copy !req
115. Oh, you say that, you've never
gambled with a pig, come on!Copy !req
116. They're terrible gamblers.
Poker, blackjack...Copy !req
117. But obviously,
ducks and geese and hens lay eggsCopy !req
118. and goats and cows give milk
and sheep give...Copy !req
119. Companionship. Love. I know they do
offer those, it is true.Copy !req
120. My brother's got a pig,
and that's very true of that one.Copy !req
121. They are very endearing animals.Copy !req
122. Tell her to be careful, though,
because I knew a farmer
that had a heart attackCopy !req
123. while he was feeding his pigs,
and they ate him.Copy !req
124. Oh, yes, well, I'm afraid...Copy !req
125. You don't want to get into a pen
with oneCopy !req
126. that's approaching sexual maturity,
as I know to my cost.Copy !req
127. Really? Yes. It's basically like...
How are the piglets?Copy !req
128. They've got names, Alan!
It's like...Copy !req
129. Porky and Perkins!Copy !req
130. Pinky and Perkins!Copy !req
131. It's scary, it's like a pork piano,Copy !req
132. cos they breed pigs very long now,
cos everyone likes chops.Copy !req
133. So you get incredibly long pigs.Copy !req
134. With a huge row of udders
you can see on the sow, can't you?Copy !req
135. And it just runs at you
in a sort of matey way.Copy !req
136. This was obviously the boar, the
male. Yes, she wasn't interested.Copy !req
137. Although I was trying to
catch her eye.Copy !req
138. A lovely thought.
Anyway, there you are.Copy !req
139. From jelly to juice.Copy !req
140. I've got jumbo wrists
and I'm covered in tit juice.Copy !req
141. What have I been up to?Copy !req
142. You've changed!Copy !req
143. Is it a night out with
Tarbuck and Perkins?Copy !req
144. Jumbo wrists and covered in
tit juice.Copy !req
145. Sounds like a milk maid to me.Copy !req
146. Do you mean tit juice as in bosoms
or as in a bird?Copy !req
147. Nor, indeed, neither.Copy !req
148. It's an occupational hazard.
Fishermen? Fishing.Copy !req
149. It is a fisherman's
occupational hazard.Copy !req
150. There is a fishing boat.
There's Lara covered in tit juice.Copy !req
151. Yeah. Awash with it. Yeah.Copy !req
152. You get jumbo wrist simply from
repetitive strain injuryCopy !req
153. from gutting the fish.Copy !req
154. But tit juice conjunctivitis,
to give its proper name,Copy !req
155. is the acute swelling of the eyes
caused by the juice of tits -Copy !req
156. which are sometimes called duffs,
but tits is the most common name -Copy !req
157. which are described in
the Ship Captain's Medical Guide asCopy !req
158. marine growths that look like suet
dumplings with finger-like growthsCopy !req
159. protruding from them.Copy !req
160. When they get caught in
fishing nets, they explode,Copy !req
161. releasing millions of
tiny silicon needles,Copy !req
162. which go into the fisherman's eyes.
Oh, God!Copy !req
163. So that's what causes the swelling.Copy !req
164. Is this sort of stuff
just generally in lakes and oceans?Copy !req
165. Well, if you work every day
amongst fish,Copy !req
166. there's all kinds of stuff on there
aside from the fish
you're trying to catch.Copy !req
167. For example, there's a thing called
Dogger Bank itch.Copy !req
168. I'm guilty as charged!Copy !req
169. You do, don't you?
You got Dogger Bank there!Copy !req
170. All I said was...!Copy !req
171. You can also get haddock rash.Copy !req
172. Haddock rash?
Why are you looking at me?Copy !req
173. That's an inflammation between
the fingers from gutting wet fish.Copy !req
174. I do often take a fish to bed
with me,Copy !req
175. and then I can say to my husband,Copy !req
176. "Not tonight, dear,
I've got a HADDOCK."Copy !req
177. That's very good.Copy !req
178. It does sound like when you've just
given birth as well,Copy !req
179. with all those fittings,
you do have swollen bits.Copy !req
180. Oh, yes, yes, yes, a lot of women,
when they give birth, can't takeCopy !req
181. their wedding ring off ever again,
can they?Copy !req
182. No, and they're pissed off about it.Copy !req
183. Tit juice conjunctivitis,
jumbo wrist and Dogger Bank itchCopy !req
184. are occupational hazards
of fishermen.Copy !req
185. Now, describe
Marie-Antoinette's breast cups.Copy !req
186. Oh, yes, I know the answer to this,
cos I've seen one.Copy !req
187. Not her bosoms, but...Copy !req
188. They modelled various plates
and cups and thingsCopy !req
189. on breasts, on boobs.Copy !req
190. I hate the word breasts.
Let's just say jugs. Tits.Copy !req
191. I like titties. Norks. Do you?Copy !req
192. You heard it here first!
Will you say that again?Copy !req
193. No, as a word, titties.Copy !req
194. "I like titties"!
It's official! It is!Copy !req
195. I'm rather old-fashioned.
Titties. I like titties.Copy !req
196. One of them had a little nipple,
as well. Absolutely right.Copy !req
197. It was during that phase she had,
which was started by
Madame de Pompadour,Copy !req
198. which was pretending to be
a peasant.Copy !req
199. She lived in the most sophisticated,
glittering palace in the world,Copy !req
200. in Versailles, but she liked to
pretend to be a milkmaid.Copy !req
201. She had gold churns hanging off her
and things like that.Copy !req
202. This was considered to be
incredibly... That's a massive cow!Copy !req
203. Look at the size of it! Or a very
small little girl, one or the other.Copy !req
204. Anyway, the great porcelain works of
Sevres, in France,Copy !req
205. made for her at the command of
King Louis XVI,Copy !req
206. these extraordinary cups,
which were like breasts -
there, you can see the nipple -Copy !req
207. out of which she would drink milk.Copy !req
208. That's the kind
you're talking about. Yeah.Copy !req
209. They're on display in Petit Trianon,
which was her little farmyard,Copy !req
210. her play farmyard,Copy !req
211. and you can buy replicas if you wish
to have one in your own house.Copy !req
212. I'm sure... I do.Copy !req
213. I want two! You know where to go.Copy !req
214. I want the pair! You should have
a pair, to be honest.Copy !req
215. A matching pair, ideally. No-one
wants to drink out of a lone boob.Copy !req
216. There is a bra makers who say
they can tell what size you areCopy !req
217. just by looking at you.Copy !req
218. Which I think is quite impressive,
so I had to go along and find out.Copy !req
219. And they usher you into a room
and get you to take everything off.
This woman looked at me and went,Copy !req
220. "Hmm, not quite as bad as
I'd expected."Copy !req
221. Bloody cheek!Copy !req
222. What a nerve! I know.Copy !req
223. I had the same thing, you know,
you go down and you have toCopy !req
224. gurge yourself up for these things,
you're showing your...Copy !req
225. .. titties off...Copy !req
226. And this woman's just come in, with
three people that she's training,Copy !req
227. gone like that with the curtain,
looked at me and went,
"Can't help you," and shut it again.Copy !req
228. I was like that...Copy !req
229. Shocking. Yeah, really was shocking.Copy !req
230. "I'll make you a bra,
but I can't help you."Copy !req
231. We don't get this problem
from our underpanters, do we?Copy !req
232. We certainly do not.Copy !req
233. Mr Klein will hand over
his pants to youCopy !req
234. without any opprobrious comments.Copy !req
235. How extraordinary.Copy !req
236. The things you girls go through.
Poor us!Copy !req
237. Brr! It's been...Copy !req
238. There are those titties again!Copy !req
239. "Brr!"Copy !req
240. Tonight's the night you turn!Copy !req
241. What's the other myth about
Marie Antoinette's breastsCopy !req
242. that has persisted to this day?Copy !req
243. To do with another drink. They lived
on after her death. No! Champagne?Copy !req
244. Champagne comes in either a flute
or tulip glass or in a...?Copy !req
245. In a nipple, kind of...
A coupe, it's called a coupe.Copy !req
246. And there was this idea that
the coupe was based onCopy !req
247. the size and shape of
Marie Antoinette's breasts.Copy !req
248. But the standard coupe, it appears,
would make her a 36B,Copy !req
249. and paintings show she was likely
to be a little bigger than that.Copy !req
250. I love it that someone's done
that research! Yes.Copy !req
251. You know those fantastic
massive china cooking bowlsCopy !req
252. that have a lip on the edge of them?Copy !req
253. Oh, yes.Copy !req
254. They're based on my titties.Copy !req
255. Are they?
You know an ironing board?Copy !req
256. They're based on mine. Oh, stop it!
No, no, no, no.Copy !req
257. I'm saying nothing!
You've all got lovely, lovely...Copy !req
258. I've seen St Paul's!Copy !req
259. Wouldn't it be dull
if every street had exactly
the same frontage everywhere?Copy !req
260. It would be dull if all girls had
the same the same frontage.Copy !req
261. You've all got lovely frontages.Copy !req
262. Now, some milk.Copy !req
263. Milk and the fad for dairy was
very popular amongst French nobles,Copy !req
264. right up until the point
when the guillotine curedCopy !req
265. all their problems permanently.Copy !req
266. So, what's the smallest thing
that you can milk?Copy !req
267. It's got to be a mammal, hasn't it?
Cos only mammals produce milk.Copy !req
268. That's not strictly true. Uh-oh!Copy !req
269. An insect? It's an insect, yes.Copy !req
270. Cockroach? It ruins the lives
of thousands.Copy !req
271. Mosquito? Not quite as bad
as a mosquito,Copy !req
272. which ruins the lives of millions.
Tsetse fly.Copy !req
273. Tsetse fly is the right answer.Copy !req
274. The tsetse fly is unique.Copy !req
275. They're very ugly and unpleasant,Copy !req
276. and if you've been bitten by one,
it's horrible.Copy !req
277. It's disgustingly painful.
Have you been bitten by one?
Yes, very painful.Copy !req
278. In Kenya somewhere.
Really, really unpleasant.Copy !req
279. I did not get sleeping sickness,
fortunately,Copy !req
280. which kills about 48,000 people
a year.Copy !req
281. But this is unique.Copy !req
282. The female fly keeps her eggs
and larvae inside her uterus,Copy !req
283. where she makes a liquid
rich in fatsCopy !req
284. called intrauterine milk.Copy !req
285. She eventually gives birth
to one larva at a time,Copy !req
286. so it's genuinely suckled by
its mother.Copy !req
287. So, it's sucking from, like,
a milk sack?Copy !req
288. Yes, this intrauterine milk.Copy !req
289. Extraordinary, isn't it?Copy !req
290. But otherwise, it's a vicious
creature and much unwanted.Copy !req
291. They're also host to a symbiotic
bacterium called Wigglesworthia,Copy !req
292. named after someone called,
of course, Jones. No!Copy !req
293. No, Wigglesworth.Copy !req
294. He was an expert on kissing bugs,Copy !req
295. which are blood-sucking insects
that kiss you around the mouth
and lips, very unpleasant.Copy !req
296. I've had a few of them. Ha, yes!Copy !req
297. They bite humans on the face
and lips,Copy !req
298. and as they feed,
they also defecate, annoyingly.Copy !req
299. And as they defecate, the parasite
inside their faeces causes...Copy !req
300. I've been out with blokes like that.Copy !req
301. I don't know why
you're looking at me! Not you!Copy !req
302. .. causes something called
Chagas disease,
which is extremely unpleasant.Copy !req
303. Cheggers? Not Cheggers, no!Copy !req
304. It makes you strip off.Copy !req
305. It makes you take your clothes off
on Channel 5.Copy !req
306. No, it's Chagas, not Cheggers.Copy !req
307. But the Wigglesworthia
is interestingCopy !req
308. as it has the smallest genome of
any known living thing.Copy !req
309. So it's very important in genetics
to discover it as an organismCopy !req
310. to see what the absolute minimum
genome necessary is for life.Copy !req
311. We've got some quite small gnomes
in our garden, as well.Copy !req
312. No, GENOME... Oh, no...Copy !req
313. You've got the fishing genome,Copy !req
314. crossing-the-bridge genome...Copy !req
315. The G is silent. The IT genome!Copy !req
316. What's interesting and might save
hundreds of thousandsCopy !req
317. of African lives is that, without
that particular Wigglesworthia,Copy !req
318. female tsetse flies are sterile.Copy !req
319. So, we could eradicate them
as a problem in Africa,Copy !req
320. which would be a good thing.
Anyway, that's the tsetse fly.Copy !req
321. It's only a centimetre long,
not even a mammal,Copy !req
322. but it gives birth to live young,
which it feeds on milk.Copy !req
323. It's party-treat time now.
Isn't this exciting?Copy !req
324. I've got something
really interesting for you to try.Copy !req
325. It's powdered Miracle Berry.Copy !req
326. You should have a little cup
like this.Copy !req
327. If you instantly put that pill
in your cup in your mouth...Copy !req
328. Promise it's not going to hurt you.
We don't even question!Copy !req
329. Don't swallow it. We're just
doing it! "Yes, Stephen!"Copy !req
330. Please do it, don't swallow it.Copy !req
331. "Show me your titties."Copy !req
332. We've been down this road
before, mister! It's from fruit.Copy !req
333. It's in. "Only bite it when you see
the whites of the eyes!"Copy !req
334. Don't bite it, don't bite it, just
roll it round your mouth and tongue.Copy !req
335. It's quite sweet.
It takes a little time to work,Copy !req
336. but when it does work,
it's rather extraordinary.
It's like a dead Refresher.Copy !req
337. Is my head just going to open
like that?Copy !req
338. But just try to do a bit of action
on it,Copy !req
339. just so you can get it
to dissolve...Copy !req
340. Spread it all over your tongue.Copy !req
341. It is quite miraculous. It's why
it's called the Miracle Fruit,
it's rather exciting.Copy !req
342. I slightly crunched mine.
Don't swallow it.Copy !req
343. Why not?Copy !req
344. Keep it in your mouth.Copy !req
345. There's a good reason, I want for it
to cover all of your tongue,Copy !req
346. cos it does something extraordinary
to your tongue,Copy !req
347. that's what you're going to
discover. So keep sucking.Copy !req
348. I must remember this speech!Copy !req
349. Can you look away?Copy !req
350. If you made them swallow...Copy !req
351. "It does something extraordinary
to your tongue!Copy !req
352. "Don't swallow it!"Copy !req
353. Do you feel you've more or less
coated yourself in it?Copy !req
354. What it does, it gets rid of
your tongue's abilityCopy !req
355. to detect sour and bitter,Copy !req
356. so I want you to take a bite on
this lemon.Copy !req
357. You'll find when you bite on
the lemon, it's not exactly sweet,Copy !req
358. but it really takes away 90% of
its sourness.Copy !req
359. I'm going in.Copy !req
360. I've done it.
I've done a lot of coating.Copy !req
361. Oh, that's delicious!Copy !req
362. Extraordinary.
That's good, isn't it?Copy !req
363. None of you has really pulled
an "Agh" face.Copy !req
364. That's like a really sweet orange.Copy !req
365. Exactly. It's bizarre.Copy !req
366. I'm going to regret it later. It is
a most extraordinary experience.Copy !req
367. That'll last about half an hour,
20 minutes, half an hour.Copy !req
368. I'm going to have chronic gastritis
in 20 minutes.Copy !req
369. It was very populous, Miracle Fruit.Copy !req
370. They used to have parties where they
had a rainbow of different flavoursCopy !req
371. that would occur
because it takes awayCopy !req
372. your ability to taste the bitter
or the sour,Copy !req
373. or, indeed, the salt,Copy !req
374. so everything becomes sweet but
retains a little of its own flavour.Copy !req
375. But it does work. Amazing.Copy !req
376. It is. Although it is vitamin C,
so internally, I'm rebelling.Copy !req
377. Just the fact it might have been
slightly healthy!Copy !req
378. A friend of mine used to go
and feed the horseCopy !req
379. at the bottom of his garden
when he was a kidCopy !req
380. bits of lemon, because it used to
make brilliant faces when he...Copy !req
381. That's just naughty! It is cruel.Copy !req
382. That's very naughty.
Very entertaining.Copy !req
383. I'm going to have one later.
I'm going to give one to a friend.
Sure you are!Copy !req
384. It's just so bad!Copy !req
385. Makes it taste so much nicer!Copy !req
386. It's just... We've witnessed
something big tonight!Copy !req
387. It's all over.
"It tastes lovely for half an hour."Copy !req
388. "My favourite word
is titties!"Copy !req
389. It's not sour any more, is it?
Not sour any more.Copy !req
390. You are so bad! Honestly, honestly.Copy !req
391. "It does amazing things
to your tongue."Copy !req
392. You are so naughty tonight.
I'm very, very disappointed.Copy !req
393. I thought the girls would be
well behaved, but I'm just so wrong.Copy !req
394. We are! You said,
"Put it in your mouth."Copy !req
395. We just put it in our mouths.Copy !req
396. That's what girls are so good at,
it's the innocent, wide-eyed...Copy !req
397. Ooh. Anyway, Miracle Berries
have the miraculous propertyCopy !req
398. of making sour things taste sweet.Copy !req
399. So, now,Copy !req
400. which international institution had
one man and his dog as members?Copy !req
401. That was it?Copy !req
402. No, they had lots and lots of
other members.
But they weren't men, presumably?Copy !req
403. All the others were women.
And human.Copy !req
404. The WI? Yes, the WI.Copy !req
405. Really? And Lassie.Copy !req
406. The WI...
It wasn't that particular man -Copy !req
407. this is an example,
in case you're stupid,Copy !req
408. of what a man and his dog look like.Copy !req
409. Cos you might not know.Copy !req
410. He's literally blowing smoke up
its arse.Copy !req
411. "Bloody dog moved!"Well, we'll
have to use it, we're out of film!"Copy !req
412. When the WI was formed,
the nascent WI, this particular man,Copy !req
413. Colonel Richard Stapleton-Cotton,
was an enormous fan,Copy !req
414. a great admirer, and so...Copy !req
415. Popped a frock on!
He and his dog Tinker were both
members and paid their annual fees.Copy !req
416. But they were the only males
ever to be members.Copy !req
417. Guess which country
the WI was started in.Copy !req
418. Canada. Yes, good God!
How did you do that?Copy !req
419. I'm on a roll, I just know WI stuff!
I don't know!Copy !req
420. Started in Canada, absolutely right.Copy !req
421. It was the Women's Department ofCopy !req
422. the Farmers' Institute of
South Wentworth,Copy !req
423. with the aim to promote
that knowledge of household science
which will lead toCopy !req
424. improvement in
household architecture,Copy !req
425. with special attention
to home sanitation.Copy !req
426. Though, then, of course,
it broadened its horizons.Copy !req
427. It was said that the WI should be
grave and gay, which is nice.Copy !req
428. Yep, that sounds like me.Copy !req
429. And should explore the world
together and learn as much aboutCopy !req
430. growing roses in your garden or
trimming hats as aboutCopy !req
431. darkest Africa or Bolshevism.Copy !req
432. Which is why they're also famous forCopy !req
433. having lecturers coming to address
them. They absorbed knowledge.Copy !req
434. And they do an extraordinary amount
of charity work.Copy !req
435. They donate 24 million hours of
their timeCopy !req
436. to community work
every year in the UK.Copy !req
437. There's a double J association
with the WI,Copy !req
438. as it's our letter J.
It's a sort of nickname for them.Copy !req
439. Jam and Jerusalem.
Jam and Jerusalem.Copy !req
440. Jerusalem is their anthemCopy !req
441. and jam-making is what people think
they do.Copy !req
442. Obviously, their remit is wider,
and they were very patriotic
during the war,Copy !req
443. did all kinds of things,
especially with rabbits.Copy !req
444. "Turning bunnies into bombs"
was their slogan,Copy !req
445. as they tried to breed rabbits
for food.Copy !req
446. That picture we saw earlier,
I wish I'd been born in that time.Copy !req
447. You like those dowdy hats?
I like those.Copy !req
448. I wouldn't have had to make any
effort whatsoever. It looks great.Copy !req
449. But everybody
spoke like that.Copy !req
450. They talk like that all the time.Copy !req
451. Look at those berets. Amazing.
They don't look very cheerful,Copy !req
452. and one of them's knitting.Copy !req
453. One-handed, which is really
saying something.Copy !req
454. There's Arthur Askey on the end!Copy !req
455. They're voting, "Shall we allow
the Colonel and his dog to become
members?" and they all voted yes.Copy !req
456. "Who's been felt up by the Colonel?"
"I have."Copy !req
457. "Dirty little bugger.Copy !req
458. "That dog, always sniffing around."
Oh, dear.Copy !req
459. Anyway, Colonel Stapleton-Cotton
was his name, and his dog, Tinker.Copy !req
460. They're the only two non-femalesCopy !req
461. ever to be admitted to
the Women's Institute.Copy !req
462. I've got something interesting
to show you now.Copy !req
463. So, I want you to tell me
what it is.Copy !req
464. Quite simply, what's the name for
one of these?Copy !req
465. Well, it's a toby jug.Copy !req
466. This is known as a character jug.Copy !req
467. If you want to know
what a toby jug looks like...Copy !req
468. ..it's that. Wow, isn't that pretty!
A toby jug is the whole person.Copy !req
469. If it's a head,
it's called a character jug.Copy !req
470. But I've got something
more interesting, I think,Copy !req
471. which I hope you're going to like.Copy !req
472. It's got water in it.Copy !req
473. All you have to do is drink
the water without spilling it.Copy !req
474. It's got holes in it.
And so if you lift it...Copy !req
475. It's got holes in it,
so that's not going to work.Copy !req
476. Do you see? No!Copy !req
477. It's gone down my sleeve!Copy !req
478. So you've got to try
and work it out.Copy !req
479. Right, I'm going to hollow out
this biro and use it as a straw.Copy !req
480. Like that? I'm evolving.Copy !req
481. Ah, you're getting there.
What are you doing?Copy !req
482. No, don't pour it, cos the water
will come up. Look at the handle.Copy !req
483. The handle is connected to
the bottom, so if you could suck
one of those tubes...Copy !req
484. Cover the holes.Copy !req
485. The other hole.
And then suck through there.Copy !req
486. But there's a secret hole you've got
to cover, too. Hole there.
Get those two.Copy !req
487. Look under the handle,
look under the top of the handle.Copy !req
488. Oh. There's a hole there.Copy !req
489. If you cover that
and the other two holes,Copy !req
490. then you release...Copy !req
491. Bit of a palaver. Yes!Copy !req
492. Oh, Sue! Just an electrical hazard
waiting... Go like this.Copy !req
493. That's it, now you can suck it.
Don't tip it!Copy !req
494. Bollocks!Copy !req
495. Liza got there first.Copy !req
496. You got the principle straight away.
It's like evolution.Copy !req
497. Now I know how to do it,
I want to have a go.Copy !req
498. Couldn't we just have
some sandwiches?Copy !req
499. I've got every hole covered!
No, you haven't.Copy !req
500. Don't drink from the top!
You have to suck from... Look.Copy !req
501. Suck from there? Show her.Copy !req
502. Are you sucking from there, right?Copy !req
503. I'm sucking from there
and holding there.Copy !req
504. And have you found the other hole?
Yes. Now suck it.Copy !req
505. No, don't tip it!Copy !req
506. Suck without tipping!Copy !req
507. It's a hollow handle. The point is
the handle is hollow.Copy !req
508. It's a wet T-shirt competition!Copy !req
509. If you hand it to me here,
I'll try and show you.Copy !req
510. "An awful thing about how to drink
and not to spill will tryCopy !req
511. "the utmost of your skill."Copy !req
512. And this one says, "To drink
and not to spill will try the utmost
of your skill." Exactly...Copy !req
513. Mine says,
"You're an idiot, Perkins."Copy !req
514. So, this is a hollow... This is
hollow, there's water in the bottom,Copy !req
515. it's got a little stop, like a flute
or a recorder here,Copy !req
516. so you've got to cover that up,Copy !req
517. and it's got a hole here
and a hole here.Copy !req
518. If I do that, I can now just
simply suck.Copy !req
519. But it's a little puzzle jug,Copy !req
520. we thought you might have
a little fun with it.Copy !req
521. Which brings us to
the sticky end of the scores.Copy !req
522. And my word!Copy !req
523. I've never seen anything like it
in my all my born puff.Copy !req
524. In last place, with a magisterial...Copy !req
525. She did start with
two minus tens in a row,Copy !req
526. so she didn't do that badly after,
but she ended with minus 22,Copy !req
527. Sue Perkins!Copy !req
528. And on a highly-creditable
minus five, Liza Tarbuck!Copy !req
529. Thank you very much. Thank you.Copy !req
530. Well! Well, well, well, well,
which one, which one, which one?Copy !req
531. One of you got four points.
Four whole points.Copy !req
532. Four plus points. Please,
for the feminists, let it be a lady.Copy !req
533. It's Jo Brand! Oh, it is!Copy !req
534. Which can only bring us to
the astonishing newsCopy !req
535. that tonight's winner,
with plus 11, is Alan Davies!Copy !req
536. Women on television has failed!Copy !req
537. Well, we can call him
a jammy bugger.Copy !req
538. And that's all from
Liza, Sue, Jo, Alan and me.Copy !req
539. Goodnight.Copy !req