1. This programme contains
some strong language.Copy !req
2. G-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-d evening,Copy !req
3. good evening, good evening,
good evening, and welcome.Copy !req
4. All right. Alan, we're going
to make your life a little easier,Copy !req
5. - we're going to lower the lights
in here... - I can go home? - Yeah.Copy !req
6. Now, Alan...Copy !req
7. Oh, this is unfair!
Alan gets a girl, I've got Jack!Copy !req
8. - I'm going to ask Alan...
- Jack's a girl.Copy !req
9. Steady, steady.Copy !req
10. I'm going to ask Alan
a very specific question now.Copy !req
11. Can you feel your
sphincter relaxing?Copy !req
12. It's a perfectly innocent question.Copy !req
13. I must say, I thought it was
until you asked me.Copy !req
14. Well, what you might have said is,Copy !req
15. "Which sphincter?"Copy !req
16. Oh, of course. Oh!Copy !req
17. Because you may not know this,
but you have many sphincters.Copy !req
18. - Oh, I know...
I know a little... - Yes?Copy !req
19. - I know about sphincters.
- Tell me about sphincters.Copy !req
20. I once had... This may not be
an appropriate story...Copy !req
21. - I certainly hope not! - .. for QI,
but I once had a bladder complaint.Copy !req
22. This is not STI, it was just a...Copy !req
23. - I was getting up in the middle
of the night... - Why are you looking
at me when you say that?Copy !req
24. - You're the arbitrator.
- Cos I thought you would understand!Copy !req
25. - The doctor sometimes says,
"We'll pop a camera in..." - Ow!Copy !req
26. ".. and explore..."
It was in my bladder,Copy !req
27. - there was a bit of an issue...
- An endoscope. Yes.Copy !req
28. So they decided to get a camera
and just... pop it in my bladder.Copy !req
29. And, obviously, the easiest way
to get in is to... is to...Copy !req
30. - Is through the... schlong.
- Is through the schlong.Copy !req
31. And I imagined the camera would be
like the width of a human hair.Copy !req
32. - It was like a...
It was like a pen! - Ow!Copy !req
33. And they fed it in, and it was about
ten years ago I had this...Copy !req
34. And it was about ten years ago,Copy !req
35. and it was a lovely nurse
that was doing the procedure,Copy !req
36. and as fed it, she went,
"What do you do for a living?"Copy !req
37. She was trying to start conversation
at this awkward moment.Copy !req
38. I went, "I'm a comedian,"
and she went, "Tell us a joke."Copy !req
39. No!Copy !req
40. - And it is a matter of professional
pride that I did. - Oh, well done!Copy !req
41. There's a claim to the origin
of the term "lynch,"Copy !req
42. which is a man called
James Lynch Fitzstephen,Copy !req
43. who was the mayor
of Galway in Ireland.Copy !req
44. And he hanged his own son
from the balcony of his houseCopy !req
45. after convicting him of the murder
of a Spanish visitor in 1493.Copy !req
46. So that's pretty bold, isn't it?Copy !req
47. - Wow. - Christ on a bike!Copy !req
48. It's extreme. He learnt his lesson.
He never did it again.Copy !req
49. No.Copy !req
50. - Did you say he hanged his own son
for stealing a bike? - No. - No!Copy !req
51. - Did you...? What did you think
I said? - Did you nod off?Copy !req
52. I misheard you. I'm so hungry,
I don't know what I'm saying.Copy !req
53. - No, for killing a...
- I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.Copy !req
54. - .. killing a Spaniard.
- For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah.Copy !req
55. Has anyone got any food?Copy !req
56. - He killed... - Do you not
listen to...? - No, he doesn't.Copy !req
57. - I'm starving hungry. - Are you?Copy !req
58. And now I can't concentrate because
I'm having a blood sugar crash.Copy !req
59. I hope you never get called up
for jury serviceCopy !req
60. and you're hungry in the afternoon.Copy !req
61. "What was it, killed a Spaniard
or stole a bike?"Copy !req
62. It's quite an important difference.Copy !req
63. "I don't know what he said.
I'm starving. Can I have an apple?"Copy !req
64. - Where did that come from?
- I don't know. - Stole a bike?Copy !req
65. He was... Your mind was wandering.Copy !req
66. I was just drifting off.
I was thinking about pasta.Copy !req
67. When his brain sugar drops,Copy !req
68. I'm afraid all kinds of weird things
start to happen.Copy !req
69. Well, has no-one got
something to eat here?Copy !req
70. Are you bringing something down?Copy !req
71. - Here you are, in you go, come on.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
72. - What have we got? What have we got?
- Some homemade flapjacks.Copy !req
73. - Oh flapjacks! - Flapjacks!
- Yes! Thank you.Copy !req
74. - Can I have a kiss? - Yeah, go on.Copy !req
75. Oh, she has to have a kiss.
Very good.Copy !req
76. I've got something interesting
to show you now.Copy !req
77. So, I want you to tell me
what it is, quite simply.Copy !req
78. - What's the name for one of these?
- Oh, God!Copy !req
79. - It's a Toby Jug, isn't it? - Yes. Yes.Copy !req
80. - No, this is known
as a character jug. - Oh.Copy !req
81. If you want to know what a Toby Jug
looks like, it's that.Copy !req
82. A Toby Jug is the whole person.Copy !req
83. - Oh, the whole person.
- Isn't that pretty?Copy !req
84. If it's a head,
it's called a character jug.Copy !req
85. - But I've got something more
interesting, - I - think,Copy !req
86. - which - I - hope you're going to like.Copy !req
87. It's got water in it.Copy !req
88. All you have to do is drink
the water without spilling it.Copy !req
89. It's got holes in it,
so if you lift it...Copy !req
90. It's got HOLES in it,
so that's not going to work.Copy !req
91. Do you see? No.Copy !req
92. It's gone down my sleeve!Copy !req
93. - You just cover up two. - So, you've
got to try and work it out.Copy !req
94. Right, I'm going to hollow out this
biro and use it as a straw.Copy !req
95. - Like that... - I'm evolving.
- Ah, you're getting there!Copy !req
96. So, what you're doing...
But, no, don't pour it,Copy !req
97. because the water will come up.Copy !req
98. Look at the handle.Copy !req
99. The handle is connected
to the bottom,Copy !req
100. - so if you could suck one of those
tubes... - You suck... - Oh, got it.Copy !req
101. Cover the holes...Copy !req
102. - The other hole.
- .. and then suck through there,Copy !req
103. BUT there's a secret hole
you've got to cover.Copy !req
104. Hole there, get those two...Copy !req
105. - Look under! - My one's
got loads of holes.Copy !req
106. No, look under the top
of the handle.Copy !req
107. - Oh, that hole there.
- Oh, there's a hole there as well.Copy !req
108. If you cover THAT and the other two
holes, then you can...Copy !req
109. I mean, it's a bit of a palaver.Copy !req
110. There, yes...Copy !req
111. Could they not just have made a cup?Copy !req
112. - Oh, Sue! - Just an electrical hazard
waiting to... - So like this?Copy !req
113. Someone may as well just
set fire to me.Copy !req
114. That's it, now you can suck it.
It's pure... Don't tip it!Copy !req
115. - Don't tip it! - Oh, bollocks!
- So, you just...Copy !req
116. Yes, jizz, as you knew,
as a bird spotter,Copy !req
117. is that indefinable something,Copy !req
118. the shape, the gait, the outline
that allows you to identify a bird.Copy !req
119. - Yes. - But we have the four birds
we showed you...Copy !req
120. - I thought you were going to say,
"We have some jizz." - No.Copy !req
121. "We have some birds here
you can identify by their jizz."Copy !req
122. - We literally do. - All right.
- We literally do. - Oh, look.Copy !req
123. Yeah. They all begin with J,
that's your clue.Copy !req
124. I'll say a J-Hawk. Because
that's all I can think of...Copy !req
125. No. That's not a hawk, is it?
Look at it! I mean...Copy !req
126. That is a hawk!
What are you saying?Copy !req
127. - Yeah, what kind of...?
- How is that a hawk? - That is a hawk!Copy !req
128. - Swooping down and picking up
a rabbit? - That's not...Copy !req
129. That is to scale, Bill.
That's the size of it.Copy !req
130. Oh, right! Oh, it's a long way off!Copy !req
131. - It's massive! - Have you seen
a hawk's beak and eye?Copy !req
132. A hawk's beak, yes.
It's not the common hawk.Copy !req
133. A hawk's got... It's a raptor!Copy !req
134. That's not a raptor, that's
a flippin' flycatcher or something.Copy !req
135. You are very good.
It's a flycatcher.Copy !req
136. - It's a flycatcher,
there you go. - He's good.Copy !req
137. Yeah, don't mess with
the jizz-meister.Copy !req
138. - Hey, I was second on that.
- No, you weren't. Not even close.Copy !req
139. - I came second. - A hawk?Copy !req
140. You just mentioned a bird,
that's not coming second.Copy !req
141. - OK, stick up the next one. I'm sure
I'll get it. - That is just...Copy !req
142. In medieval times, did they go out
with one of them on a gauntlet?Copy !req
143. - Fly! - That is called...Copy !req
144. - That is called a black tail.
- Bring me a fly!Copy !req
145. Ssh! Just to finish it,
that WAS a flycatcher.Copy !req
146. It was a Juan Fernandez Tit-Tyrant.Copy !req
147. - A crested...
- Oh, God, here we go again!Copy !req
148. - Wait a minute, wait a minute...
- "Oh, we all know a tit tyrant!"Copy !req
149. A Juan Fernandez... Tit-Tyrant.Copy !req
150. A crested, spotted-chested member
of the Tyrant flycatcher...Copy !req
151. - You just invented that!
- A spotty-chested member?Copy !req
152. There are points for knowing where
the Juan Fernandez Islands are.Copy !req
153. Juan Fernandez?Copy !req
154. Breast Cock Lane?Copy !req
155. That's the spirit!Copy !req
156. - Now you're getting it.
- You are getting into this very much.Copy !req
157. What I'm going to try and do...Copy !req
158. I'm going to try
and create somethingCopy !req
159. that will make you think, "No!Copy !req
160. "No, Stephen, this is not possible!Copy !req
161. "Stephen, I will now bow down
and worship you forever."Copy !req
162. I'm going to try and create...Copy !req
163. a square...Copy !req
164. - .. bubble. - No!Copy !req
165. "Shut up, Stephen!"Copy !req
166. I'm on the verge
of worshiping you forever.Copy !req
167. Yeah, exactly. How would you not be?Copy !req
168. - A square bubble.
- Shut the front door.Copy !req
169. All right, so I've got this...
I've got this here.Copy !req
170. - Can you see that bubble there?
- Oh! - Wow! - Wow!Copy !req
171. Well, it's not yet square,
but if I... if I blow...Copy !req
172. No way!Copy !req
173. - Square bubble! - Oh! - Square bubble!Copy !req
174. How amazing is that?Copy !req
175. Very cool.Copy !req
176. On television, virtually live,
"as live," as we say,Copy !req
177. it's probably the only interesting
and important thingCopy !req
178. I've ever done in my life.Copy !req
179. But I'm proud, and thank you
for enjoying my square bubble.Copy !req
180. Or you could try this pen.
Try writing something with the pen.Copy !req
181. Oh, this is going to be hilarious(!)Copy !req
182. - Go on, then. - Oh, dear...Copy !req
183. I don't want to touch it!Copy !req
184. - Electric shock? - I think so.Copy !req
185. That's... I'm really sorry,Copy !req
186. cos that is quite
a severe electric shock.Copy !req
187. - It's not...
- I'll just take your word for it.Copy !req
188. It's not insignificant, that one.
That is... barely a joke.Copy !req
189. It's not funny at all, Stephen!Copy !req
190. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
191. - Yeah, give it back.
- That really hurt!Copy !req
192. Aww!Copy !req
193. A bendy pencil...Copy !req
194. I don't want a bendy pencil!Copy !req
195. Have you ever seen
an inside-out moon?Copy !req
196. - The Clangers. - They were wonderful!
- The land where the Clangers live.Copy !req
197. Hello, baby Clanger.Copy !req
198. There's the Soup Dragon.Copy !req
199. They didn't do...
They didn't make that noise.Copy !req
200. No! Bill, do it. Listen to Bill.Copy !req
201. No, they went like...Copy !req
202. Yeah, but the Soup Dragon...Copy !req
203. - Are you doing the Soup Dragon?
- Yeah. - Oh, right.Copy !req
204. - The Soup Dragon was more...
- He did a gurgle!Copy !req
205. I have to say, in all honesty,
as an impartial judge,Copy !req
206. Bill wins the Clanger
impression award.Copy !req
207. Did you hear about the auctioneer
summoned to a Scottish castle?Copy !req
208. This is not a joke by the way. He
was summoned to a Scottish castle -Copy !req
209. the Lord had just died and the
family were selling the contents -Copy !req
210. and he was looking around,
trying to find this hat stand.Copy !req
211. And then finally he came across it,
and it was a German soldier.Copy !req
212. And what had happened was that
the Lord, or his ancestors,Copy !req
213. had been in the First World War
with his batman,Copy !req
214. who it was always supposed was
a little more than his batman...Copy !req
215. Right...Copy !req
216. .. who looked over the trench
to see if it was all rightCopy !req
217. and was shot by the Germans
on the other side,Copy !req
218. and this enraged
the Scottish chap so much,Copy !req
219. he ran across no man's land,
killed the German,Copy !req
220. dragged him back to the...
to the British trenches,Copy !req
221. sent him home with instructions
he be stuffedCopy !req
222. and used as a hat stand
for the rest of time.Copy !req
223. But only 80 years had elapsed,
so it was as though...Copy !req
224. His ancestors would still
be around in Germany,Copy !req
225. and they would come and have to...Copy !req
226. And they had to go
and find them and say,Copy !req
227. "Oh, did he... Did he have
a dignified death?Copy !req
228. - "Not really, no." - No.Copy !req
229. I had two fellas
come into my flat once,Copy !req
230. and they must have been
first-time burglars and...Copy !req
231. and I was a first-time burglaree,
or whatever.Copy !req
232. - Yeah. - So I was coming down
the stairs... - A victim. - That's it!Copy !req
233. I was coming down the stairs,
I was in my boxer shorts,Copy !req
234. and they were sort of at the bottom
of the stairs in masks, and...Copy !req
235. Bloody hell!Copy !req
236. .. there was a point where I thought,
"I'm dead. This is it."Copy !req
237. - And THEY panicked. - Yes.Copy !req
238. I don't know why, cos I'm not
a scary-looking bloke,Copy !req
239. and after, there was a bit of silence
and then one of them went,Copy !req
240. - "Can we borrow some milk?"
Like... - Oh!Copy !req
241. Were they three cats?Copy !req
242. Well, it is often the case
that the criminal is more scared.Copy !req
243. You know, it is a scary thing to do,
if it's a child, I suppose.Copy !req
244. A friend of mine saw a mugging
in Central Park in New York,Copy !req
245. and he started running
after the mugger,Copy !req
246. and then he realised, he thought,
"What am I going to do?"Copy !req
247. And this mugger turned round,Copy !req
248. so he turned round
and started running after him.Copy !req
249. And he just... he just shouted out,
"I'm a marathon runner,Copy !req
250. "I'm going to keep my distance
from you, whatever you do,"Copy !req
251. and just kept running backwards
and forwards like that,Copy !req
252. and in the end the guy dropped
the bag and ran off,Copy !req
253. because he just didn't know...Copy !req
254. They were just to-ing and fro-ing
like that.Copy !req
255. And he just maintained
a constant distance from him.Copy !req
256. I can remember getting mugged
and I was 17, 16 or 17,Copy !req
257. I got mugged and the guy said, "Give
us your money or we'll beat you up,"Copy !req
258. and I remember thinking,Copy !req
259. "Out of the two options, I'm not
bothered about this 20 quid,"Copy !req
260. and I gave him the money and then
he beat me up, he still beat me up.Copy !req
261. And I remember afterwards
being more upsetCopy !req
262. by that sort of breach
of verbal contract, you know.Copy !req
263. Like, we'd entered
into an agreement, didn't we?Copy !req
264. - Yes. - A gentleman's agreement.
- Yeah. I was like, "No, not fair..."Copy !req
265. There is no stronger,
hotter smart that you feel,Copy !req
266. as a child in particular,
than injustice, is there?Copy !req
267. Injustice is a horrible thing.
And that was unjust.Copy !req
268. There's the bridge,
and you're about to see a superhero,Copy !req
269. a man of astounding courage
and bravery,Copy !req
270. do a bungee jump off
the original AJ Hackett bridge.Copy !req
271. There he is. Can you see him there?Copy !req
272. He's fat, he's...Copy !req
273. It's... it's me!Copy !req
274. There I am. That was me
bungee jumping just last...Copy !req
275. Earlier this year, in fact.Copy !req
276. Wow! Goodness me.Copy !req
277. And you know, the weird thing is,Copy !req
278. I am the biggest coward
in the world...Copy !req
279. The moment I was picked up by
the relief boat that picks you up,Copy !req
280. I said, "I want to do it again!"Copy !req
281. The adrenaline surge is so enormous.Copy !req
282. It is the biggest fun I've ever had.Copy !req
283. A rush. Well done.Copy !req
284. And does it... does it
pull at your ankles?Copy !req
285. Well, the major problem usually
is detached retinas, actually.Copy !req
286. - Yes. - People get pop-eyed.Copy !req
287. What about when we went scuba diving
and your mask was too tight?Copy !req
288. - Do you remember that?
- Oh, yeah. No, I don't want to...Copy !req
289. His eyes nearly
came out of his head!Copy !req
290. And inside the mask were
these massive eyes...Copy !req
291. We're all going,
"Come and have a look at Bill!"Copy !req
292. "Check he's all right,
check he's all right..."Copy !req
293. And when we found out he was
all right, I laughed my head off.Copy !req
294. - No! No, can I just...?
- The thing is...Copy !req
295. Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa!
Rewind. Rewind.Copy !req
296. Can we just go back to the bit
where you said...?Copy !req
297. When you checked we were all right,
you laughed my head off?Copy !req
298. You were laughing from the minute
my face came out of the water.Copy !req
299. There's these fucking massive eyes!Copy !req
300. There was blood pouring
out of my eyes.Copy !req
301. He had no idea at all,
couldn't feel anything!Copy !req
302. I had no idea. I was running around
and people were going, "Oh, my God!"Copy !req
303. "Oh, my God!" I went, "What? What?"Copy !req
304. Like Carrie, or something,
with blood streaming from my eyes...Copy !req
305. You had huge great eyeballs,Copy !req
306. - which took quite a long time for
them to recede as well. - Yes, it did.Copy !req
307. And a lot of laughing was going on.Copy !req
308. I thought you had some
sort of magnifying mask on,Copy !req
309. - but when you took the mask off, they
were still enormous. - Enormous...Copy !req
310. When we lived in Australia,
my wife bought a horseCopy !req
311. and she was desperate to try
and get me to ride, right?Copy !req
312. So she said, "I've bought this horse,Copy !req
313. - "it's really docile
and you'll be fine." - They never are.Copy !req
314. Well, no, actually, the problem was
it was TOO docile.Copy !req
315. What happened was it ended up being
studied by Melbourne UniversityCopy !req
316. because... Yeah!Copy !req
317. Because it was one of
the few horses that was...Copy !req
318. medically, got narcolepsy.Copy !req
319. So, I swear to God... No...Copy !req
320. It's one of the rare cases
of a narcoleptic horse.Copy !req
321. So, she buys this horse
and she says...Copy !req
322. She couldn't work out why every time,
when she was grooming it,Copy !req
323. it would get heavier
and it would just...Copy !req
324. ..like that.Copy !req
325. And... so, she couldn't groom it,
because it would fall on her.Copy !req
326. So she says to me, "It's fine,
the horse is narcoleptic, get on it."Copy !req
327. And so I got on it,
in full motorbike gear,Copy !req
328. cos I wasn't taking any chances,Copy !req
329. and I sat on this horse
and it started to just...Copy !req
330. and you know, normally,
you kick a horse to make it go?Copy !req
331. This one, you kicked it
and it would go, "What? Eh?"Copy !req
332. Like that, to wake it up.Copy !req
333. And sometimes it would fall asleep
against the electric fence...Copy !req
334. So it would go...
It would go like that...Copy !req
335. "Ah! Hey! Ah! Oh! Hey!"Copy !req
336. It's like Jack Douglas
from the Carry On films.Copy !req
337. There's a man called Theo JansenCopy !req
338. who's an extraordinary
artist/inventor,Copy !req
339. who has created this remarkable
machine. Do you know about it?Copy !req
340. - It walks along... - It walks on
the sand without any electronicsCopy !req
341. or anything else like that,
just powered by the wind.Copy !req
342. It's really extraordinary. These are
some of the things it can do.Copy !req
343. No metallic or electronic parts,
remember that.Copy !req
344. It can detect the tide coming in,
walk away from the water,Copy !req
345. anchor itself by hammering
a pin into the ground...Copy !req
346. That's what it looks like.
.. if the wind gets too strong.Copy !req
347. It can even store up air in bottles
when the wind is blowing,Copy !req
348. and release it to keep itself moving
when the wind drops.Copy !req
349. Lots of clips on YouTube,Copy !req
350. but you have to go to Holland
to see them live on the beach.Copy !req
351. BUT, through the magic
of the next big thing in tech,Copy !req
352. which is 3-D printing,
where you can print an object out...Copy !req
353. This is a 3-D printed object.
It's entirely 3-D printed.Copy !req
354. It needed no extra thing, except to
have the propeller put on the end.Copy !req
355. - Wow! - And this is a version
of the sea beast.Copy !req
356. And instead of blowing, I'm going to
use a little electric fan like so.Copy !req
357. - There we go. - Wow!Copy !req
358. Ooh, ooh, sand beast.Copy !req
359. - Isn't that cool? - That's great!Copy !req
360. And that was printed out?Copy !req
361. But isn't that an amazing object?Copy !req
362. - Oh, it looks really spooky.
- Move your glasses.Copy !req
363. - I can't believe you got that from
a 3-D printer. - I know!Copy !req
364. I sort of feel like this is going
to be... it's going to bluff,Copy !req
365. - that can't be a real thing.
- I promise you it's true.Copy !req
366. So, how does it work? Is it
a block of resin? How does it...?Copy !req
367. It's basically lasers fusing
powdered plastic together.Copy !req
368. Even though it consists ofCopy !req
369. at least 76 separate moving
interlocking parts,Copy !req
370. they emerge from the printer
ready to operateCopy !req
371. without the need
for further assembly,Copy !req
372. - with the exception of the addition
of the propeller. - No way!Copy !req
373. - That's absolutely right. - That is
the future! - Isn't it amazing?Copy !req
374. Let's hear it for this
amazing machine. Brilliant.Copy !req
375. Really impressive.Copy !req
376. The saddest, possibly,Copy !req
377. the saddest story of hide and seek
that you can think of,Copy !req
378. although it has
a kind of happy ending,Copy !req
379. is Liu Wei, a Chinese pianist
who was playing hide and seekCopy !req
380. and he electrocuted himself so badly
that he lost both his arms.Copy !req
381. So he learnt to play
the piano with his toes.Copy !req
382. So, he could play...?
And all of his toes work?Copy !req
383. They look like fingers,
it's actually astonishing.Copy !req
384. It's really amazing.Copy !req
385. Are you sure he just hasn't
got his head in the wrong place?Copy !req
386. He's got his hands
down a pair of trousers!Copy !req
387. "Look at my toes! Look at my toes!
Coming out of the end of my...Copy !req
388. "I've taken my socks off."Copy !req
389. - "I play the piano
with my toes, everyone." - Exactly.Copy !req
390. He's saying he's a man who
can play the piano with his feet.Copy !req
391. He's a man with a penis
that looks like a face.Copy !req
392. I just... I have to do a story that's
to do with pranks at medical school.Copy !req
393. - Oh, lovely. - Because my flatmates...Copy !req
394. They had a girl in their group
at medical schoolCopy !req
395. that was very annoying, so
they decided to play a trick on her.Copy !req
396. So basically they got
a hand from the labCopy !req
397. - and put it on her pillow
in the student digs. - Oh, God.Copy !req
398. And then they all hid in the kitchenCopy !req
399. and she came in from a night out,
went into her room,Copy !req
400. and they expected she would just
open the door and go, "Argh!"Copy !req
401. Like that, and then they would all
go in there and point and laugh.Copy !req
402. And she went in there and, for ages,
there was just complete silence,Copy !req
403. and they thought,
"Oh, God, what's going on?"Copy !req
404. Please, God, no,
not what I think it is!Copy !req
405. I hope you're not thinking
what I'm thinking, Alan.Copy !req
406. - Please let's not... - No.Copy !req
407. - Did she ball it into a fist...?
- Anyway... - No, no!Copy !req
408. Don't!Copy !req
409. - .. and then couldn't get it out?
- We're all thinking...Copy !req
410. We're all thinking
what must be the wrong thing.Copy !req
411. No, so they went into the room
and she was sitting on the bed...Copy !req
412. - eating it. - Eating it?Copy !req
413. Oh, that's even worse!Copy !req
414. I know. I'm sorry to have to tell
you, but that's absolutely true.Copy !req
415. Why was she eating it?Copy !req
416. - Because she was hungry!
- Because I think it freaked... Yes.Copy !req
417. What does...? Why...? What...?
She was hungry?Copy !req
418. It's like... I'm hungry right now,
I'm not eating your hand.Copy !req
419. I want you all to do a jolly jape
now, which is make a dart,Copy !req
420. a paper dart, and the person
who can throw it the furthest wins.Copy !req
421. - Talk amongst yourselves! - Yeah.Copy !req
422. We want a piece of this paper...Copy !req
423. There are various kinds you can do,
just try the type you did at school.Copy !req
424. Oh, I've totally forgotten
now to do this.Copy !req
425. And, obviously, take your time,
as quickly as you can.Copy !req
426. I'm going to make one the way
we used to make them at school,Copy !req
427. knowing full well that
they didn't fly very well.Copy !req
428. Well, some people were good at it
and some weren't.Copy !req
429. Interesting to see
how well you're doing.Copy !req
430. It's precision engineering.Copy !req
431. Oops, I've made a hat.Copy !req
432. I'm going to put little flaps
on mine, and a tail.Copy !req
433. Mine's just...
I've just had that idea!Copy !req
434. You seem to be ready. Who's ready?
David, have a go.Copy !req
435. - I've done this completely wrong...
- As far as you can go.Copy !req
436. Not bad.Copy !req
437. Should you throw or should you
cast like a bowler?Copy !req
438. Ah! Well, it's up to you.Copy !req
439. - Yours is great, look at that.
- Yeah, that looks very good.Copy !req
440. Whoa, there we go.Copy !req
441. - It went up because of the flaps.
- Yeah. Your flaps.Copy !req
442. - Corrugated roof tiles!
- Flaps gave it lift.Copy !req
443. Watch out in the back row,
this is going to be lethal.Copy !req
444. It's one of those stealth ones.Copy !req
445. You won't be able to see it,
you won't be able to measure it.Copy !req
446. You can buy it from Wickes.
"It's got our name on it." Oh!Copy !req
447. A suicide plane!Copy !req
448. That's impossible!
It defies all laws of physics.Copy !req
449. I thought it was acrobatics.Copy !req
450. Sue, your chance for glory.Copy !req
451. I don't think it's going to happen.Copy !req
452. Well, despite the brilliance
of Amy Johnson...Copy !req
453. Would you be surprised to knowCopy !req
454. that the paper airplane that goes
the furthest looks like this?Copy !req
455. - Stop it! - No!
- Yeah, that's a bracelet.Copy !req
456. I know. It seems hardly credible.Copy !req
457. What do you do? Do you
just scrunch it up and chuck it?Copy !req
458. I'm unfortunately
not very good at throwing it.Copy !req
459. I've practiced a bit,
but the world record is 200 yards.Copy !req
460. - No way! - I'm not kidding you.
- Straight down.Copy !req
461. You're supposed to twist it,
and that's why I'm not good at it.Copy !req
462. I've never thrown
an American football.Copy !req
463. You do it in the style
of an American football.Copy !req
464. - Whoa! - There you go.Copy !req
465. - Not bad. - That's amazing!Copy !req
466. Pretty good, isn't it?Copy !req
467. Are you
a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?Copy !req
468. I haven't watched it
since I was a child,Copy !req
469. because I think that's
when you're supposed to watch it.Copy !req
470. Do you know, that's girls, you see.Copy !req
471. Little girls grow up to be women,Copy !req
472. and little boys grow up
to be big little boys.Copy !req
473. - We still watch children's films.
- We've got too much stuff to do.Copy !req
474. - Do you have children, though? - No.Copy !req
475. - Ah, well, when you do,
then remember... - No, no, no, no!Copy !req
476. - You plan not to? - No.
There's no "when," Stephen.Copy !req
477. - There's no... - No. - You're not going
to adopt a little shiny little baby?Copy !req
478. A SHINY one?Copy !req
479. Are they varnished?
Can I varnish one?Copy !req
480. I don't know. They might be more
attractive if they're shiny.Copy !req
481. It's not my field, I don't...Copy !req
482. And then Stephen revealed his plans
for a child-buffing workshop...Copy !req
483. .. where craftsmen
will get toddlers to a high sheen.Copy !req
484. "More... More lacquer, little boy?"Copy !req
485. - Oh, dear! - "You're the shiniest one."Copy !req
486. "We shall put you
in Harrods' window."Copy !req
487. Oh, stop it!Copy !req
488. "I'm still alive in here,
I'm still alive in here."Copy !req
489. - "Why, I can see..." - "Help me!"Copy !req
490. "I can see my face
in your face. It's..."Copy !req
491. You might have changed my mind.Copy !req
492. I thought they were very matte,
I had no idea.Copy !req
493. Nice shiny little baby,
I think they're lovely.Copy !req
494. Although, slightly put off
by the idea of the child-buffing.Copy !req
495. Thank you for that, so much.Copy !req
496. Now, making hydrogen with nails
and drain cleanerCopy !req
497. would be a very jolly jape
indeed, don't you think?Copy !req
498. - Yes, I think so. - So, let's try it.Copy !req
499. To prove that it's hydrogen,
I'm going to have to set fire it.Copy !req
500. And I'm going to set fire
to it on my own hand,Copy !req
501. so, first of all I'm going to have
a little basin of waterCopy !req
502. I'm going to put here,
to dip my hand in,Copy !req
503. to wet it, so I don't burn
myself too badly.Copy !req
504. And then I have my really exci...Copy !req
505. Oh, hello?Copy !req
506. Made a mistake, sorry.
Man in my ear's furious with me.Copy !req
507. "What are you fucking doing?Copy !req
508. "Put the water down!"Copy !req
509. "Do this properly or you will die,
do you understand?"Copy !req
510. - No...
- "Start again, for fuck's sake!"Copy !req
511. He was much gentler than that.
He was very sweet.Copy !req
512. So, anyway...Copy !req
513. I've been told to tell you
not to try this at home.Copy !req
514. - Try it in someone else's home...
- Yeah.Copy !req
515. The fire exits are there, and there.Copy !req
516. What I've got here is some ordinary
green-coloured washing up liquid.Copy !req
517. We're not allowed to mention
it's Fairy... Its name!Copy !req
518. I've got a little chemical lab,
a little...Copy !req
519. - I don't know what you call this...
- Flask. - Flask, I think, is the word.Copy !req
520. Oh, this is like going on a picnic
with Heston Blumenthal!Copy !req
521. It's got some nails in it
and I'm going to add a few moreCopy !req
522. and a little bit of zinc.Copy !req
523. And I've got here, this is
the hydrochloric acid, very strong.Copy !req
524. When are you going to put on
the safety goggles?Copy !req
525. I'll put them on now, because I'm
about to open the bottle of acid.Copy !req
526. "Put the fucking safety goggles on!"Copy !req
527. Not only that, but I've also got...Copy !req
528. I've also got a...
I've also got a mask.Copy !req
529. - Here we go. - What about us?Copy !req
530. Sorry, can I just ask,
YOU'RE putting on safety goggles?Copy !req
531. Yeah!Copy !req
532. - YOU'RE putting on a mask.
- What's the story here?Copy !req
533. You're fine, you're expendable.Copy !req
534. I may have the mask upside down.Copy !req
535. It does tell you to put the mask
on your childrenCopy !req
536. before putting it on yourself,
as on an aeroplane.Copy !req
537. "Got the fucking mask upside down!"Copy !req
538. Right, OK. I've got the goggles,
I've got this.Copy !req
539. Now what I'm going to do, all right,
is I'm going to pour this acid...Copy !req
540. Jesus, onto some nails?Copy !req
541. - .. into the nails, that's right. - Why?Copy !req
542. And it... the zinc and
the hydrochloric acid will react.Copy !req
543. Has he been drinking?
Has he been drinking?Copy !req
544. Yeah. He's been drinking THAT.Copy !req
545. Oh, there we go. And that's... that's
going to produce quite a lot.Copy !req
546. It's going towards me!Copy !req
547. It's blowing our way!
It's blowing our way!Copy !req
548. - I now have to put this cork in it.
- Geez!Copy !req
549. If I put the cork in it
tight enough,Copy !req
550. it will come out of here,Copy !req
551. and I put this in here
and it will bubble up.Copy !req
552. Right, that's important.Copy !req
553. If you say so!Copy !req
554. If it... The bubbles
are made of hydrogen.Copy !req
555. This is my contention,
and the only way to prove itCopy !req
556. is to grasp the bubbles... I'm going
to wet my hand now, to be safer,Copy !req
557. - and grasp these bubbles...
- What the hell is that?Copy !req
558. - I'm going to take the bubbles there.
- It's like a sex cactus.Copy !req
559. And I'm going to go... Oh, God!Copy !req
560. SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
561. Wow! Really exciting.Copy !req
562. Pretty exciting!Copy !req
563. We can try that again.Copy !req
564. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
565. Let's get even more bubbles.Copy !req
566. That is great.Copy !req
567. Stephen's goggles are so steamed up,
he's completely blind!Copy !req
568. Even more bubbles here. Here we go.Copy !req
569. - He's blind as blind King John
of Bohemia. - Here we go.Copy !req
570. Oh, come on... Oh work, lighter!Copy !req
571. - Anyone got a light?
- Oh, the lighter's stopped working.Copy !req
572. GASPING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSECopy !req
573. Let's try it again, one more.Copy !req
574. Wet your hand again,
you didn't wet it.Copy !req
575. - You didn't wet the hand!
- Come on. Bloody lighter!Copy !req
576. Expelliarmus!Copy !req
577. Oh.Copy !req
578. Phew. That actually hurt.Copy !req
579. - Wow! - I've made hydrogen,
ladies and gentlemen. Wow!Copy !req
580. - How very exciting. - Pretty exciting!Copy !req
581. Let's cover that.Copy !req
582. "PUT THE LID ON THE ACID!"Copy !req