QI 10x14

1. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho,

2. ho-ho-ho,

3. and welcome to QI for the J series Christmas Special,

4. which is, of course, called Jingle Bells.

5. And just look at my lovely, shiny baubles -

6. the sparkling Danny Baker...

7. Thank you, good evening.

8. .. the twinkling Sarah Millican...

9. Yay!

10. .. the glittering Phill Jupitus...

11. .. and...

12. .. oh, dear, he's fallen off the tree, Alan Davies.

13. So, Jingle your bells, please. Sarah goes...

14. Danny goes...

15. Lovely. Phill goes...

16. Wow. And Alan goes...

17. Very good. So now, first question.

18. It's a musical question. Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?

19. Yes, Sarah? Mrs Beethoven.

20. Somebody had to say it.

21. Yeah, well...

22. Jingling Johnny? Yes. What do you think?

23. I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, and it's something that the

24. good folk at Durex have obviously missed out on.

25. A seasonal range that, actually, you know, with a bell in the, um...

26. With holly round it. Yeah. Be nice.

27. I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.

28. We've started our family Christmas Show just as I hoped we would.

29. Exactly. Yes, merry Christmas.

30. His Jingling Johnny, what might it be? Tiny Tim.

31. A triangle?

32. Well, you're in the right area. Ah.

33. It's an instrument.

34. Other composers, Haydn's 100th Symphony uses a Jingling Johnny.

35. Berlioz was extremely fond of them, as was John Philip Sousa.

36. And I even have one. Is it a cow bell?

37. It's rather more complex than that. It's this...

38. Wow! That is a Jingling Johnny. It's a large...

39. That would make your eyes water, wouldn't it?

40. You were supposed to not bring any props from the Hobbit back.

41. Exactly. It was used as a marching, ch-ching-ch-ching.

42. You up and down, with a march, up and down.

43. That's it, yes.

44. The army that used these began with J and has a connection with

45. Vienna, the Siege of Vienna, if that means anything historically to you.

46. As opposed to...

47. Not... Yeah.

48. Usually...

49. It's not Ultravox, it's earlier than that, Vienna...

50. Very good popular culture remembered.

51. It's good that I should know that, I don't know how I knew that, either.

52. Between Vienna and the East,

53. the whole of that part of Eastern Europe was owned by an empire.

54. Ottoman Empire? Ottoman Empire.

55. Their elite corps was called Janissaries.

56. And the Janissaries used these as they marched.

57. And Beethoven used it in one of his most famous compositions,

58. his Ninth Symphony, the Choral Symphony, he uses a Jingling Johnny.

59. And Hector Berlioz, one of the great French composers, claimed that

60. "The shaking of its sonorous locks added brilliancy to marching music."

61. Ah, I believe that it was later taken up, wasn't it,

62. by... On the X-Factor is how they...?

63. Take it away, it's compulsive.

64. I think I'd better take it away from you.

65. It's the Casio of its day. It is. There are other...

66. There are other instruments of this nature.

67. Buskers make their own versions.

68. There's a thing called the lagerphone,

69. it's an Australian version where the ringing noise is made by,

70. can you guess?

71. Lager cans. Oh, yeah, bottle tops.

72. Yeah, crowns, the crowns of bottle tops, yeah, exactly.

73. If you'd like me just to show you the majesty of Baker.

74. Name a '70s single that harnessed one of those instruments?

75. Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs, Seaside Shuffle.

76. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Baker.

77. Wow!

78. It's like being in the room with Max Planck and Einstein

79. while they're talking physics.

80. Which instrument was it?

81. It was, they used the zob stick, which was what they called it,

82. Yes, they did. Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs.

83. You guys, you guys! But, anyway, that was the Jingling Johnny.

84. So, moving on.

85. Who sang the first advertising jingle,

86. as it's Jingle Bells day today?

87. Wasn't it... the, no? Not Marconi himself, surely?

88. Marconi. "Hey, radio is the way forward."

89. Hey, hey, pop that hasn't been invented yet, pickers,

90. this is Marconi.

91. I was at a party at the BBC and I sat next to Marconi's widow.

92. I have touched the wife of the man who invented radio.

93. That does seem weird, doesn't it, that she was still alive?

94. Where did you touch her? Did she mind? Yeah.

95. She had been a young girl and he was quite an old man

96. when they married but, nonetheless, it's weird to think that

97. I could have met the inventor of radio's wife anywhere.

98. But the first jingle wasn't on the radio.

99. Oh, music hall?

100. Well, no. The first people ever to sing jingles would have been,

101. as it were, you and me.

102. They were written in newspapers and on pieces of paper with products.

103. There would be the music written out with the words,

104. so that you would sing it to yourself.

105. So you bought a packet of cigarettes and it went,

106. Because this was 20 years before they invented radio,

107. you know, we're talking about the 1870s and '80s.

108. Of course, a lot of people had little pianos

109. in their front parlours,

110. and they would get round and sing the, you know,

111. the Wrigley's song, or whatever it was.

112. And so the first people ever to sing jingles would have been

113. the members of the public themselves.

114. Have you heard the Von Moltke?

115. There's a wax cylinder of Von Moltke, the German general,

116. and it's the only recorded voice of someone born in the 18th century.

117. He was born in 1798. You can hear his voice.

118. That is extraordinary, isn't it?

119. I remember, I had the good fortune to meet Alistair Cook,

120. the great broadcaster. He said, "Shake my hand,"

121. he said, "You're shaking the hand of someone who shook the hand of

122. "Bertrand Russell, the philosopher." And I said, "Wow, that's amazing.

123. He said, "Oh, no, no, that's not too strange."

124. He said, "What's strange is that Bertrand Russell's aunt

125. "danced with Napoleon."

126. So I shook the hand of someone who shook the hand of someone

127. whose aunt danced with Napoleon.

128. Wow!

129. It is pretty amazing, isn't it? That is something, yeah.

130. Let's go round the table. This hand shook the hand of John Lennon.

131. Oh, wow. That's good.

132. And to him, yeah.

133. Wow, there we are, we're passing it on.

134. Yeah, Louie Spence, I've shook his hand.

135. Oh! Fantastic.

136. Go on...

137. OK. Go on, then.

138. River Phoenix. River Phoenix.

139. Ooh. Oh, good. Here we go.

140. Jennifer Lopez. Wow, that's a goodie.

141. And if you were coming across here? Here we go. Oh, OK. Alan Davies.

142. Whoa! You've gone and trumped us all, haven't you?

143. My aunt and uncle are very close to Jesus.

144. Yes.

145. So back right off, all.

146. Oh, there you go. But do you... You see today.

147. Jesus is still alive, so that doesn't really count.

148. Of course. He's behind you.

149. Whoa!

150. And in front.

151. And, and it's his birthday!

152. Hurray!

153. Wah, wah, wah.

154. But radio...

155. radio jingles, on the other hand,

156. appeared in the 1920s, as a way, oddly,

157. to get round NBC's rule that you couldn't advertise directly,

158. but what you could do is sing songs which had the sponsor's name in.

159. And the show could even be named after the sponsor,

160. so like...

161. This is Rudy Vallee, a famous performer in his day,

162. he had an NBC show called Fleischmann's Yeast Hour.

163. Thankfully, that was followed by Perkins' Yoghurt Half-Hour.

164. And it was the Sunshine Vitamin Yeast jingle was,

165. they consider, probably one of the very first jingles.

166. Do you use jingles on your show?

167. I use vintage ones, the Ovaltinies one, cheers everybody up.

168. Ovaltine is a great famous one. And ones from the early '60s, you know?

169. "Sorry, mate, you're too late, the best peas went to Farrows,"

170. which, again, is a beautiful bit of copyright. Oh, yes.

171. Esso Blue. There we go. Yeah, I know.

172. It's mad, the things that stay in your head.

173. Ho-ho-ho...

174. Free advertising on the BBC. Ah, there we go.

175. We're just going to be thigh-deep in paraffin and corn, me and Alan.

176. They're going to send you all kinds of free ones.

177. So now, what is that one for that malt whisky that

178. I was just trying to remember?

179. No, but anyway...

180. Can you explain the Jesus Christ Dinosaur Hypothesis?

181. Why might you call anything a Jesus-something?

182. Amongst the properties of Jesus, if you...

183. A walk on water. Walking on water, that's the one.

184. That's the one. Now, there's a particular kind of dinosaur,

185. a sort of intermediate dinosaur between birds and dinosaurs,

186. 150 million years ago, which, in dinosaur terms

187. is quite recent, it was not long before they were all wiped out.

188. There is a picture.

189. Oh, isn't it beautiful? Like all the dinosaurs.

190. They're pretty amazing.

191. Do you know what that one was called?

192. Dave.

193. One day the answer might be Dave,

194. one day the answer might be blue whale, it's going to be...

195. What I'm looking forward to is

196. when we have a blue whale called Dave and you don't get it.

197. They're called Archaeopteryx.

198. And all the fossils for Archaeopteryx, oddly enough,

199. are found in a place where there was a sea,

200. but there was absolutely no evidence of any trees,

201. therefore, it seemed very odd as to how they would fly.

202. And there is a suggestion that what they did was they ran on water,

203. rather in the way that swans, when they're about to take off,

204. let's have a look at a swan about to take off,

205. you'll get the idea of what I mean.

206. They sort of, like that. It's a beautiful sight.

207. They can really run along the water.

208. They think that's what the Archaeopteryx might have done.

209. And there are other animals today, still exist,

210. that are called the Jesus-something, because they run on water.

211. Can you think of any examples? Well, there's a lizard.

212. There's a Jesus lizard, you might want to see a

213. Jesus lizard having a bit of a go.

214. The Jesus cow.

215. I would pay big money to see a Jesus cow.

216. So would I. I'd get one of my own.

217. How that works is they blow up their own udders really big.

218. Oh, like Space Hoppers.

219. There's something very Glenn Marston about that, isn't there?

220. But the Jesus lizard can get up to about 20 metres, which is not bad.

221. Obviously when they stop, they sink, I mean,

222. so it's all about the fact that they are literally walking

223. or indeed in their case, running, on water.

224. They strike the water and they slap it and they go through.

225. What else runs on water? In Jamaica there's one,

226. that would have been written about by James Bond.

227. Bob Marley used to run on water.

228. This one would have been...

229. "Rita, me going for a run 'pon de lake.

230. "Hold me chalice while I run on de water."

231. "No woman no drown."

232. I'm full of cultural references at the moment.

233. This particular one would have been written about by James Bond.

234. Where did Ian Fleming get the name James Bond?

235. From note paper. No. He had a book.

236. He lived in Jamaica and he had a selection of books on Jamaica.

237. And there was as book called The Birds of Jamaica,

238. by a man called James Bond.

239. Oh. And that's where he got the name for his hero.

240. And so this man, James Bond, would certainly have

241. written about the Jacana, which is a Jesus bird, it's also called

242. the Jesus bird, for its apparent ability to walk on water, as well.

243. He gets all the credit, and why not for James Bond?

244. But let's never forget

245. he also wrote Chitty Bang Bang, Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Bang Bang.

246. Yes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

247. And a character in that was called Caractacus Potts,

248. I didn't understand that joke for years.

249. Potts, isn't that wonderful? What's the joke?

250. He was a crack-pot, he was an inventor.

251. Crack-pot. Oh, a crack pot! Yeah. I know. Ah.

252. Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?

253. I haven't watched it since I was a child,

254. because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it. Supposed to.

255. Do you know, that's girls, you see, little girls grow up to be

256. women and little boys grow up to be big, little boys.

257. We've got too much stuff to do. We still watch children's films.

258. Do you have children, though? No.

259. Ah, well, yes, when you do then remember...

260. No, no, no, no. You plan not to?

261. No. There's no "when", Stephen.

262. There's no... No.

263. You're not going to adopt a little... shiny little baby?

264. A shiny one?

265. Are they varnished? Can I varnish one?

266. I don't know. They might be more attractive if they're shiny.

267. It's not my field, I don't...

268. And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop.

269. Where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen.

270. More, more lacquer, little boy?

271. Baaa. You're the shiniest one.

272. We shall put you in the Harrods window.

273. Oh, stop it!

274. "I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here."

275. "Why I can see..." "Help me!"

276. "I can see my face in your face. It's..."

277. You might have changed my mind, I thought they were very matt,

278. I had no idea.

279. Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely.

280. Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing...

281. Thank you for that, so much.

282. Let me take you back now to your childhood and innocence.

283. You remember all those white Christmases? No.

284. No? Oh, OK. I remember one.

285. Yeah. 1971.

286. 1970. The January was '71.

287. There you go. Christmas itself was 1970.

288. Had you said "yes" I would buzz you,

289. cos you don't remember any, because you're from the south east.

290. You might remember a few more, because South Shields has had more.

291. We've actually tried to work out... Have you? Good.

292. ..how many white Christmases you've had.

293. We think you might have had them

294. when you were one, three, four, five, six and nine. Wow.

295. Which is actually quite a lot. That is quite a lot.

296. Because in the whole of the 20th century, if you lived in London

297. and the South East, there were only four white Christmases.

298. Ha ha! I know!

299. It is extraordinary.

300. And they were in 1927, 1938, 1970 and 1981.

301. As we know, in the 21st century, we've had a few.

302. But what's important about this is that in the early part of

303. the 19th century, around about 1812 to 1820, there were eight in a row.

304. Oh.

305. Now, why was that important to our culture?

306. Is that when the song was written?

307. No. A certain child was born in 1812. We will...

308. Jesus.

309. Mormon!

310. You really do need a little bit of a religious education.

311. This was an author, a writer who's created idea...

312. Charles Dickens. Oh, OK, Dickens, yeah.

313. Charles Dickens. For the first eight years of his life,

314. it always snowed on Christmas Day.

315. And so, whenever he mentions Christmas, not just

316. in A Christmas Carol, but in several other novels, it's always snowing,

317. and this helped the myth in British culture of a snowy Christmas.

318. He also lived at a time known as the little ice age, you know this,

319. I'm sure you've seen paintings of fairs on the River Thames. Yeah.

320. There were times when the River Thames froze so solidly they

321. would have fairs, not just fairs, they'd have bonfires on the ice.

322. Those crazy Cockneys.

323. Yes. But that they could guarantee...

324. "Light a fire up!" Yeah. "It's freezing!"

325. "Let's light a fire on the river on the ice.

326. "What could possibly go wrong?"

327. But the odd thing is, nothing did go wrong,

328. because it was so thick, the ice.

329. The last frost fair, as they were called, was in 1813/14,

330. on the frozen River Thames. Wow.

331. But anyway, this century we've had more white Christmases,

332. as we know, but only four in the entire 20th century,

333. and only two in our lifetimes. Yeah. More in Scotland.

334. I'm really being very metro-centric here and I apologise for that.

335. But that's just the fact of the matter.

336. Now, what's the best thing to do with your old Christmas tree?

337. Yes? I just, I put mine back in the spare room.

338. I do, and I just, it's still fully decorated.

339. I just unplug it. Oh, so you have an artificial one? Of course.

340. Oh, I see. I just unplug it and then put it all in,

341. so in my spare room it's always Christmas.

342. Aww...

343. Well, imagine if it was a real tree, rather than an artificial one.

344. Sell it to Africans?

345. Cos according to Bob Geldof, they don't know when it's Christmas.

346. And you aim...

347. .. wouldn't know. So, oh, here's a tree, when you've finished with it.

348. But when you've finished with it, it's too late.

349. It won't be Christmas. No, they don't know, do they?

350. They do know when it's January.

351. But do they know it's Christmas time at all? No.

352. You're compounding the felony. Well, it's rather pleasing.

353. It's actually possibly the best thing you could think of doing.

354. Give it to a zoo. There are animals that would love it.

355. In Germany, they do this regularly. Aww...

356. Yeah. Elephants, elephants love it. Isn't that lovely, look? I know.

357. An elephant can have five Christmas trees for lunch.

358. Five Christmas trees!

359. And giraffes, rhinos, at Dresden Zoo, camel, deer,

360. sheep also enjoy it.

361. So before London Zoo writes me a letter saying,

362. "What the hell have you done, Stephen?"

363. Because the entire Regents Park is covered,

364. ring up the zoo first and ask if they'd like your Christmas tree.

365. But as long as it isn't too covered in hideous bits of silver tinsel,

366. and you've got rid of all the nastiness.

367. How much cuter that elephant would look

368. if it had a little bit of tinsel on it.

369. Well, it might look cuter,

370. but I don't think it's nutritively valuable for it.

371. No. You know what tinsel is?

372. Mirrors for snakes.

373. Aah. Aah. I like that, that's rather sweet.

374. That's adorable.

375. I can't bear people who do that on Boxing Day.

376. Sometimes you go out Boxing Day or the day after

377. and there's trees outside people's houses, that's not the spirit.

378. 6th of January. There you go. Yes, 12th night. Absolutely.

379. Is it? Is it? Yes.

380. Because that's always a perennial argument. It's the 6th, is it?

381. Yes. 12th Night. Oh, OK. Yes.

382. Because we do it on the 5th and that's why I've had no luck.

383. Well, no, ah. Ah. Ah.

384. Well, is it midnight on the 5th or is it... oh, hell!

385. That's what this programme's here for, things like this.

386. Now you've got me worried.

387. Oh, the chatrooms will be ablaze now.

388. It's the 5th. Right. If you include Christmas night, that's one.

389. Oh, hell. Oh, God.

390. 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30, 31, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

391. Bang, thank you. There you go. That's the 7th night, then.

392. What I've done there is... He's gone round once.

393. I've gone round once.

394. Take that away, I'll take that away.

395. Get your socks off, get your socks off,

396. it's the only way he'll believe you.

397. I think the jury's still out.

398. Anyway, we're going to have a quick fire round now

399. and it's about Jesus, because it isn't just about eggnog and tinsel.

400. So, fingers on buzzers. What did Jesus' mum call him?

401. Yes?

402. Shiny? Shiny. She might have called him shiny.

403. Jo Junior.

404. Closer, basically, yes. There is a name that he had.

405. Yay-zuice. The name that we have called Jesus,

406. that's a Greek version of a Hebrew name which is also

407. used as a name given to people in Britain.

408. Dave.

409. I'll tell you what I will do...

410. Welcome back.

411. I'll tell you what, I'll give you points if you can tell me

412. why there are so many begats, so and so begats, so and so begats,

413. until they come to Joseph in the opening Gospels.

414. Who were they trying to prove that Christ was descended from?

415. Oh, Abraham.

416. Dave! Dave. Yes, David.

417. David, David. That was the answer that would have been Dave.

418. And I said Abraham, what a idiot!

419. He's given it to me on a plate. He had a plate.

420. I gave it to you on a plate.

421. Yes, he was descended from Dave, but his real name was Yeshua,

422. which is in fact?

423. Joshua. He was Joshua. His name was Yeshua.

424. His mother would have called him Yeshua or Joshua.

425. So that's one. OK, very good.

426. Where is the world's tallest statue of Jesus?

427. Oh...

428. Now. Ah, now. Is it the statue or is it on top of something?

429. The statue height or how high?

430. The actual, simply, tallest statue of Jesus. I'm going to guess

431. Rio de Janeiro.

432. Oh, dear, no, sadly it isn't Rio.

433. We all know that one, Cristo Redentor, the famous one there.

434. It's a tall one, it's a tall one.

435. It is, gosh, it's tall. Don't get me wrong.

436. But...

437. America. No. There is an even taller one in Bolivia,

438. but that's not the tallest either.

439. The actual tallest one is in Poland.

440. Oh.

441. Would you believe? In Swiebodzin, I'm sure I've pronounced that wrong.

442. There it is.

443. It's 33 metres tall, one metre for each year of Christ's life,

444. plus a three-metre crown.

445. If the crown wasn't on that, the one in Bolivia would be the tallest.

446. So, now, how many people did Jesus feed at the feeding of the 5,000?

447. Yes, go on?

448. 4,998 because there was a couple who were bit suspicious.

449. They don't like fish. Yeah, exactly. A couple of Vegans.

450. "Oh, no, it gives me the creeps, all scaly, oh, no, no.

451. "Can I just have toast? All right, nothing for me, then."

452. I will quote you Matthew, 14.21, "The number of those who ate was

453. "5,000 men, besides women and children."

454. Oh. Oh. So there were a lot more than 5,000. Why don't we count?

455. It's the Bible.

456. Women get stoned just for looking at people in an odd way.

457. Very different times. Different times.

458. I'm afraid it's not fair or right or just and I agree with you,

459. it's horrible. Stupid thing!

460. I'm with you.

461. It was known as The Miracle Of The Five Loaves And Two Fishes.

462. However, how many were there at the feeding of the 4,000?

463. Oh...

464. 4,000 men! Huh!

465. Well, oddly enough, this is a separate one, a separate feeding.

466. Because you've got the 5,000 in Matthew and the 4,000.

467. This one he fed 4,000 men plus the women and children, again,

468. and that's called The Miracle Of The Seven Loaves And Fishes.

469. I've never heard of that, so it was two. Yeah.

470. So he was a caterer?

471. Yes. Basically.

472. How many disciples did Jesus have?

473. Oh, here we go.

474. Christmas, be nice. Yeah.

475. 12. 12.

476. No, no, again we look to the Gospel of Luke here.

477. He had 72. He had, basically, he had a posse.

478. He had an entourage.

479. Was it 12 men, the rest were women, so that's why they don't count?

480. No, no.

481. "After this the Lord appointed 72," he's got the 12, but

482. "he appointed 72 others and sent them

483. "two-by-two ahead of him to every town and place

484. "where he was about to go."

485. The 12 most famous of his disciples are, of course, the Apostles.

486. OK, now, it's time to pull our Christmas crackers.

487. We have decided, you know, the jokes are always terrible, aren't they?

488. So we wondered, is it because we tell them the wrong way round?

489. And what you should have is the punch line from the joke,

490. not the joke. We want you to work out the joke from the punch line.

491. Oh, look, look, I can do an impression. Hang on. Oh, go on, then.

492. I've got to do an impression.

493. Look, I'm in Poland.

494. Hey, hey!

495. Very good.

496. Wait.

497. All right, have you found your jokes? Danny?

498. Mine just says, "That's not funny."

499. I don't know if it's a note from the producers of the show here, but...

500. That's harsh, isn't it?

501. You have to work out what the joke is.

502. A limerick?

503. When the government ran out of money...

504. and things look real bleak and not sunny, we all had a bash,

505. using these jokes as cash, but Germans said,

506. "Ein, that's not funny!"

507. Hey! Yes!

508. Aye-aye.

509. That's a quick... Aye-aye. Thank you.

510. Thank you.

511. I have to say, it's a lot better than the real joke,

512. which is how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

513. That's not funny. Oh, that's not funny. Do you know the one,

514. how many Freudians it takes to change a light bulb? No, go on.

515. It takes one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the cock.

516. Father, ladder!

517. There you go.

518. That's brilliant.

519. Anyway, so, Phill, what's your punch line?

520. My punch line is subordinate clauses.

521. Wow. What can the joke be?

522. And the joke is,

523. "What is a sadomasochistic Santa Claus's favourite thing?"

524. Oh, well, that's not bad.

525. The real answer is, what do you call Santa's little helpers?

526. Subordinate clauses.

527. OK, Sarah, your turn, what's your punch line?

528. My punch line is, "The trifle tower." Ha, ha.

529. You might be able to guess this particular joke, what's the joke?

530. That's the only reason I went to bloody Paris.

531. That would, that would do it.

532. What's tall and wobbly and is in Paris, is, you know, the trifle.

533. Me, when I went to Paris. Oh, no!

534. I'm not that tall, actually.

535. Alan, we haven't had yours, have we?

536. Well, mine says that, "Eat, drink and be Mary."

537. Eat, drink and be Mary. What do you think the joke is?

538. What did Jesus' mum do on Christmas Day, or something?

539. No, it's, "What does a transvestite do on Christmas Day?"

540. Eat, drink and be Mary. Eat, drink and be Mary.

541. The thing is, I can't actually get these off.

542. I can see, I can see everything.

543. Good.

544. We've got one more punch line.

545. "It's very good cold on Boxing Day, too."

546. Turkey. No.

547. Remember a puppy isn't just for Christmas.

548. Ah. Aah.

549. Ooh, that's a bit sick, isn't it? Oh, that's awful.

550. What's wrong with you?

551. Anyway, our sleighs have finally hit the buffers

552. and it remains only for me to try and pick a winner from the wreckage.

553. And it's quite remarkable.

554. The clear winner, with four points, Danny Christmas Baker.

555. Hurray, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

556. God love us, one and all! Love us one and all. Hurray!

557. And Sarah, Sarah, whom Jesus didn't feed, did fantastically well

558. and is in second place with minus six.

559. Yay!

560. And Bob Cratchit writing away at the ledger shivering with little

561. coal and feeling that it isn't very Christmassy at all,

562. on minus 32, Phill Jupitus.

563. But with a staggering minus 38,

564. it's Dave Dave Dave Dave Davies.

565. And it's snowing! Hurrah!

566. So, that's all from Sarah, Danny, Phill, Alan and me.

567. And a very, very happy

568. and a quite, Quite Interesting Christmas to you all.

569. Good night.