QI 10x12

1. This programme contains very strong language

2. Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

3. good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

4. and welcome to QI for an episode which is all about Justice.

5. Members of the jury, the just Brian Cox.

6. The judicious Rhys Darby.

7. The judgmental Jason Manford.

8. And a jailbird, Alan Davies.

9. Well, in case I nod off during these proceedings,

10. you all know how to catch my attention, it's with a buzzer.

11. And Jason goes...

12. Brian goes...

13. 'All rise.'

14. Rhys goes...

15. 'Order! Order!'

16. And Alan goes...

17. Excellent. So let's start laying down the law.

18. Describe the rules...

19. Oh, he's free! Escapology.

20. I'll tell you what, being a copper back then,

21. when everyone dressed like that, was well easy... It was, wasn't it, really.

22. I think it might be him, I might be that guy.

23. I'm going to take this off, cos the bridge of my nose is rubbing. Oh, you don't want that.

24. Oh, my God, it's Alan Davies!

25. Hello, everyone.

26. Noel Coward was at a rehearsal when one of the actors was picking his nose, he thought, secretly,

27. and Noel shouted, "Wave when you get to the bridge!"

28. Anyway, describe the rules on a pirate ship.

29. Rules?

30. Yeah. But what sort of rules would they have?

31. Obviously, they've got a captain. Yes. So he's in charge.

32. So I imagine he gets most of the gold and whatever they find.

33. Well, oddly enough, no. They had two senior officers - the captain and the quartermaster.

34. And the captain could be vetoed by the quartermaster

35. on all matters except battle, except rules of engagement, when fighting. Oh, OK.

36. And they had strong laws.

37. And the quartermaster was, he was about how much they divvied out,

38. including he decided how much the captain got.

39. The captain had no special quarters,

40. he didn't have a, you know, wonderful room,

41. such as you imagine in movies.

42. So it's not exactly hierarchical, it's kind of a rule of two, the quartermaster and the captain.

43. Otherwise, it was more or less a democracy, in a strange sort of way.

44. But with strict rules.

45. For example, in Captain Bartholomew Roberts' ship, the Fortune,

46. there was no gambling, it was like a boarding school -

47. no smuggling girls into the dorm, no playing music on a Sunday.

48. And lights out at eight o'clock sharp in the evening.

49. It's rubbish being a pirate. I know.

50. It's not quite what you imagine is it. Sack the captain, that's rubbish.

51. But also... Where are you going to smuggle these girls from anyway?

52. That's true. Mermaids.

53. If you rescue one from the sea... No, no, no, no.

54. When it came to women aboard, the articles of Captain George Lowther,

55. who was a famous pirate of his day said,

56. "If at any time you meet with a prudent woman,

57. "that man that offers to meddle with her,

58. "without her consent, shall suffer present death."

59. So meddling with a prudent woman without her consent got you death.

60. So they really were very strict with each other.

61. So meddling was rape, really? Essentially, we're talking about rape.

62. That lost its meaning by the time Scooby Doo came on. Exactly.

63. Why, if you pesky kids hadn't meddled!

64. Notorious gang rapists.

65. That's just terrible. I'm ashamed of you.

66. Why is the pirate's voice similar to the farmer's voice?

67. Why, is there something, "Aarr, get off my land!"

68. They say it sort of...

69. There's one man responsible, do you know who it is?

70. It'll be a film actor. Yes.

71. Oh, OK.

72. In Treasure Island? He played in a great performance of Treasure Island,

73. and, in fact, Tony Hancock, the great comedian,

74. he first started out as an impersonator of this actor.

75. Laughton? No, not quite as well-known as Laughton.

76. In his own day, he was very, very well-known,

77. but now, less well-known.

78. Anybody?

79. It was someone mentioned on QI before.

80. Someone, we've mentioned it on QI before.

81. Ah, hang on a minute, we're getting heckled.

82. The chances of Alan remembering it are remote.

83. Someone at the front is saying, "You've done this!"

84. Who are these...? This was on Dave on Tuesday!

85. New facts! New facts!

86. Well, it was Robert Newton anyway, the actor. Robert Newton.

87. Thank you, yes. Robert Newton.

88. Robert Newton is the right answer, but it doesn't count cos we've had it before.

89. David Prowse almost did that, didn't he, to Darth Vader.

90. He had a West Country accent, didn't he? Yes, he did.

91. And he thought that it would be used, didn't he? Yes.

92. With his West Country accent, it got re-dubbed by James Earl Jones.

93. "I am your father."

94. "Aarh, I'm your father and I'm your brother as well."

95. Darth Vader on a big tractor.

96. Trundling down the corridors of the Death Star chewing a bit of straw.

97. "Darth."

98. "Darth."Darth."

99. "Mr Darth to you."

100. "Mr Darth, Mr Darth."

101. It's, yeah, anyway. Um...

102. You know the skull and crossbone flag?

103. Yes. Did they really have that? Cos that's giving it away.

104. We definitely covered that in the last series. Really? I must have missed it.

105. Yeah, Alan will tell you all about it. Go on.

106. Jolly Roger.

107. Well, everyone knows it's called the Jolly Roger.

108. Or is that a proposition?

109. Maybe later, Alan. It's been, it's been ten years, Stephen,

110. and I've finally come round to it.

111. Hurrah! At last. It's time for a Jolly Roger.

112. All right, now, don't take this question personally, Alan,

113. I didn't write this question. All right? OK. OK.

114. Now, what sort of person would say that Alan has a very small penis?

115. I'm sorry.

116. My wife.

117. No! No.

118. And this is a legal question?

119. It is very much a legal question, yes. Oh, OK.

120. I'll tell you the world we're in, we're in the world of defamation, right?

121. Let's say I was to write a novel

122. about someone who presented a quiz show called KI,

123. who was called Simon Dry.

124. And he had a regular sidekick

125. with curly hair who was called Andrew Devons,

126. and had a very small penis.

127. The idea is that he'll never sue

128. cos he'll never say this is obviously based on me.

129. Cos no-one will say, "It's obviously based on me,

130. "because my name's like that and I've got a small... Oh, hang on."

131. Oh, I see. So that's the idea, is that when you want to slander somebody,

132. you put in certain things that they would never admit to.

133. They'd be too embarrassed to say that it's like them.

134. Why do we get away with that, as stand-up comedians,

135. when someone heckles you and you have a go back

136. and you say something in front of a room, you know...

137. Well, it's a kind of understood contract

138. between an audience and a comedian,

139. that someone heckles and you go,

140. "If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head,"

141. or whatever, you know. Some story... What was that?

142. So...

143. What else would you say? What...?

144. Just one example. I'm not going to give away my best heckler remarks.

145. But what I mean is, if you made a joke heckle,

146. that's not defamatory. OK. I mean, that's the point.

147. So, tit for tat doesn't stand up in court, does it?

148. No, I don't think so, exactly. He started it.

149. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

150. But there are various defences.

151. And in the case, which is an obviously untrue one, of Alan's small penis, for example,

152. one defence is the truth...

153. .. that the person does have a small penis,

154. the other is parliamentary privilege.

155. So a Member of Parliament can get up and say, "Alan Davies, Mr Speaker, has a small penis."

156. And another Member of Parliament will get up and say,

157. "He's a grower, not a shower!"

158. Yeah, lovely. Yeah. Point of order!

159. The point is, you couldn't sue either of them,

160. because under parliamentary privilege, there is no action that can be taken.

161. There's increased privilege in peer reviewed scientific journals as well.

162. Oh, that's privileged?

163. Yes, it is, to some extent.

164. I could publish a paper reviewed by my peers about your penis

165. and I would be relatively immune unless I was being malicious about it.

166. Right. Now that's the phrase, of course, they use in American defamatory law,

167. is "absence of malice".

168. If you can prove absence of malice, then you can say almost anything which allows...

169. "I like your small penis."

170. And that's...

171. It's very, very tiny, but it's wonderful.

172. Surely at some point sarcasm must come in.

173. Well, there's that. If you can prove that, exactly.

174. So the other one is good faith.

175. I... I genuinely thought he had a small penis,

176. I didn't mean it as defamatory, it was said in good faith.

177. That's one thing. The other is opinion, which is -

178. it was just my opinion. Compared to mine, it's small, OK. Right.

179. It's a review. It's a review, exactly.

180. One star.

181. The other is public, the public interest.

182. The public has a right to know the size of Alan Davies's penis!

183. That might be a defence. The other is consent.

184. He agreed with me about the size of his penis.

185. The other one is vulgar abuse.

186. Surely, you didn't believe me when I said you had a small penis.

187. I was just being rude to you. It was not, I was not defaming you.

188. It would be like if I called you, you know, one of the unacceptable taboo swearwords,

189. if I called you a motherfucker, you know, is not defaming you,

190. whereas if I actually wrote down

191. that I believed you actually incestuously did have sex with your mother, that would be defamatory.

192. Do you see? So that's the difference.

193. Not with a penis that size!

194. That's just going all over the place.

195. Can we see the evidence?

196. I just... it's all about evidence.

197. Not from there, it's minute. Oh, no!

198. Just let me, let me... No, no, now, Brian. Let's settle this.

199. No, but the first person at home going,

200. "I should never have gone HD."

201. Oh!

202. "Rise..."

203. Very good.

204. Thank you. Thank you. There is...

205. Is this on BBC Three these days?

206. I'm so sorry, Brian, I know.

207. Anyway, that's the point.

208. Saying a character isn't very well-hung could save you from a libel action.

209. Which reality TV format was invented by Charlemagne's father?

210. There's a picture of Charlemagne.

211. Big Brother? It's not as well-known as Big Brother,

212. I will give you a clue.

213. Celebrity Big Brother?

214. On Channel 5.

215. I'm a king, get me out of here?

216. That would cover it. I can tell you it was presented by Dale Winton.

217. Supermarket Sweep?

218. No, I...

219. Total Wipe Out? What else has he done?

220. Ah, you're pretty good, you're good on...

221. See, I know the workings of... Big fan. Yeah.

222. You're good on Dale. Yeah. Who was this?

223. You probably don't know who Dale Winton is, do you?

224. Uh... Chap or lady?

225. Audience, behave!

226. He's a very charming gentleman, Mr Winton. OK.

227. Well turned out, crisply well turned out gentleman, very nice man.

228. Who was his father...?

229. Charlemagne's father is a good question.

230. Unlikely to have heard of him, I'll be very impressed if you've heard of him.

231. He was called Pepin the Short, unfortunately,

232. but if you go back to, this is even pre-medieval, this is the dark ages,

233. if you go back to that time, justice was meted out in all kinds of odd ways.

234. And one of the odd ways it was a system of testing,

235. which was called an ordeal.

236. An ordeal. Ordeal. Ordeal.

237. There were various kinds of ordeal. So it's ordeal or no ordeal?

238. Hey, hey!

239. If only... If only it were Noel Edmonds we were talking about,

240. then that would be... He really is an ordeal.

241. Is he a lady or a man? Is Noel Edmonds a...?

242. Well, ordeals. This particular ordeal involved...

243. two people had a quarrel

244. and they both had to make the shape of a cross, you see, and stay there.

245. I don't know what that's about. What's happening there?

246. Someone said he's got a small penis and they're just checking.

247. Yeah. Are you a real doctor?

248. It was called Judicium Crucis, "the justice of the cross", in Latin.

249. And, basically, it's a bit like those school punishments

250. where they make you do that, if you ever did that.

251. And the one who just dropped his hands first was wrong.

252. And it happened to the Archbishop of Paris with the Abbot of St Denis,

253. only they would use champions to do it for them,

254. so they would say, "You on my behalf

255. "stand for as long as you can in a cross,"

256. and, in this case, the Archbishop of Paris won.

257. It's a pity you have to nominate somebody,

258. cos if you didn't, you could just pick on old people in those days, you know...

259. I won. It would be brilliant.

260. You could have ordeal by tickling, they genuinely had all kinds of ordeals,

261. ordeals by water, ordeals by fire and so on.

262. But there is a car game...

263. Is it that one where you have got to keep your hand on the car?

264. Ah! Yeah, and then the last one wins it.

265. You see, you do know it. Yes, I do.

266. Dale Winton presented, I think on Channel 5...

267. That rings a bell, yeah.

268. .. an endurance game show based on a Japanese original

269. called Touch The Truck.

270. That's Dale there, on top of it.

271. I'd love to watch that. Just loads of people touching a car and then that's it.

272. Yeah. For an hour.

273. For an hour? 81 hours. It's because...

274. Well, I'd Sky Plus it and fast forward through it.

275. Yeah, I was going to say. It's basically the last one to give up on touching the truck.

276. It doesn't do anything, you just stand... No, you have to touch it.

277. Yeah, it's going 80 mile an hour.

278. Now, that would be a game. Now, that's a game show.

279. You were allowed...

280. You were allowed a ten-minute break every two hours

281. and 15 minutes every six hours.

282. But this is made-up, no-one would put their hands on...

283. If you fell asleep, you were disqualified,

284. so you had to stay awake.

285. You couldn't just lie on the car with your hand on it,

286. so you had to be consciously touching it.

287. And if, the idea was, the last person left touching it won it.

288. And the winner, you'll probably want to know all about him, I expect,

289. he won the truck, obviously, and he sold it,

290. in order to raise funds to stand as a political...

291. For arm surgery. No.

292. ..to stand as a political candidate.

293. He stood for Kingston and Surbiton at the 2001 general election.

294. There was a turn-out of 49,093 people and he secured 54 votes.

295. Wow.

296. We do it in New Zealand,

297. that's a radio show contest that quite often happens.

298. Yeah, we're probably the last country still doing it. I have to say...

299. That's the only way you can get your cars, back in New Zealand.

300. Doing it on radio sounds even weirder to me, I have to say.

301. They're still touching it. They're still touching it...

302. Do you have to drum on it?

303. No, they interview the people who are touching the car.

304. So, "I've got John here, how's it going?

305. "Ah, good, I'm still touching it." You know.

306. "How many hours now? Seven."

307. Anyway, that's it,

308. that's basically a game show inspired by a dark ages...

309. Endurance sort of thing. .. endurance test, yeah. Extraordinary, isn't it?

310. What sentence would you recommend in Jedward Justice?

311. Life. Life!

312. I feel very sorry for Rhys, we're giving you all kinds of cultural references

313. that can mean nothing to you. Have you heard of Jedward?

314. Are they judges?

315. They look very young. They are, I believe, Irish.

316. Are they twins or just brothers? They're conjoined twin judges.

317. Are they, they're not conjoined, are they? Well, they've done well, haven't they?

318. Sorry. I didn't know! Yes.

319. That's the whole thing about them, that they're conjoined.

320. Oh, they are Siamese twins, are they? They're conjoined twins, yeah.

321. Is he having me on? He's having me on. No, it looks like they are.

322. Come on! Who has the arm in the middle?

323. They do look a little strange, I have to say,

324. but that's probably because of the wig business.

325. No, no, nothing to do with the wig.

326. Right, OK. The wig's got nothing to do with it.

327. There really is such a thing as Jedward Justice. This pre-dates these twinsters.

328. Maybe that's where they got their name from. Oh, I don't think so.

329. This is a town which was originally called Jedward,

330. and then it changed its name to Jedburgh.

331. It still exists. Jedburgh, you may have heard of it?

332. In the northeast. It is, it's on the Borders, in fact.

333. It's a Border town, and that's the clue, really.

334. But the Borders, as you know,

335. suffered, throughout history, incursions and raids from England...

336. From the rain.

337. .. raiding through Scotland, stealing and vice versa.

338. And they were often summarily hanged without a trial.

339. And it was known as Jedward Justice.

340. And our name for that, where someone is especially killed without a trial

341. is... What word do we use for that?

342. Oh, a lynch mob. Lynch, lynch, lynch.

343. Now, where does the word lynch, why is it called lynch?

344. I have absolutely no idea.

345. Well, there's a claim to the origin of the term lynch,

346. which is a man called James Lynch Fitzstephen,

347. who was the mayor of Galway, in Ireland.

348. And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house

349. after convicting him of the murder of a Spanish visitor in 1493.

350. So that's pretty bold, isn't it? Wow.

351. A bike...?

352. It's extreme. "He learnt his lesson. He never did it again."

353. No.

354. Did you say hanged his own son for stealing a bike?

355. No. No! Did you, what did you think I said? Did you nod off?

356. I misheard you, because I'm so hungry, I don't know what I'm saying.

357. No, for killing a... I can't concentrate when I'm hungry. .. killing a Spaniard.

358. For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah, a Spaniard. Has anyone got any food?

359. He killed... Do you not listen to...? No, he doesn't.

360. I'm starving hungry. Are you?

361. And now I can't concentrate because I'm having a blood sugar crash.

362. I hope you never get called up for jury service

363. and you're hungry in the afternoon.

364. What was it, killed a Spaniard or stole a bike?

365. It's quite an important difference.

366. I'm starving. Yeah... Can I have an apple?

367. Where did that come from? I don't know. Stole a bike? He was, your mind was wandering.

368. I was just drifting off, I was thinking about pasta.

369. When his brain sugar drops,

370. I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen.

371. Has no-one got something to eat here? Can we not...

372. Are you bringing something down? Here you are.

373. Thank you very much. What have we got?

374. Some homemade flapjacks. Oh, flapjacks!

375. Flapjacks. Yes! Thank you.

376. Can I have a kiss? Yeah, go on. Oh, she has to have a kiss.

377. Very good.

378. Have you got something to eat for Stephen as well?

379. No, no, honestly, I'm fine. When was the bicycle invented?

380. It wasn't invented in 1493, was it? So it's doubly... No, it wasn't.

381. Doubly ridiculous.

382. I love the fact that you were questioning Alan's,

383. as if Alan's mind works on logical rails.

384. He wouldn't be found guilty of that.

385. "Stole me bike. You what? I don't know."

386. Don't even know what one is. Don't know what it is.

387. It should be just enough sugar to get your mind

388. to tell the difference between somebody murdering a Spaniard and stealing bikes.

389. Before the invention of the bike.

390. Yeah, exactly. All right.

391. Let's just do the question again, come on. No, no.

392. You don't get away with it that easily.

393. Anyway, moving on, what happened when the biggest miser in the land forgot his reading glasses?

394. He made an error in which he gave away his fortune,

395. or something happened...?

396. No. Because he had forgotten his glasses,

397. he wasn't able to sign a document, because he couldn't see.

398. So he said, "I'll take the document and I'll sign it at home."

399. What might that document have been?

400. His will maybe? His will, yes.

401. So, there he is, he's got his will, he said,

402. "Oh, I'll take it home and sign it at home."

403. He got home... Died. Yes.

404. Now, that case...

405. His name... His name was Jennens and he was very, very rich,

406. and he had quite a lot of family.

407. So there was a case called Jennens v Jennens,

408. or as a lawyer would say, Jennens and Jennens.

409. And it started in 1798, when he died,

410. and it ended in 1915.

411. Wow.

412. Wow. Why did it end?

413. The jury all died.

414. No. The Jennens died?

415. No. Oh, they found his glasses.

416. Because...

417. It died for the same reason that the fictional version of this case,

418. that Charles Dickens made famous in his novel Bleak House,

419. Jarndyce versus Jarndyce,

420. which he based exactly on this story, for the same reason.

421. The estate ran out of money.

422. The lawyers had used up every penny of the estate.

423. Wow.

424. That... Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know,

425. and Bleak House, of course,

426. which is one of Dickens' absolute masterpieces,

427. has this court case running through it, Jarndyce versus Jarndyce.

428. And it's been going for dozens of years in Chancery.

429. But he wrote that in 1852.

430. And this Jennens case had been going on for 54 years.

431. And Dickens was little to know

432. that it was to carry on going till the First World War!

433. I mean staggering, isn't it?

434. And all because the man forgot to sign his will,

435. these people were so desperate, so rapacious.

436. They didn't forget that he'd died. Yeah, well, that's true.

437. Anyway, where would you find a precocious toddler,

438. a fertile octogenarian and a moron in a hurry?

439. Is that on...?

440. Buckingham Palace. Oh!

441. Yeah, like the Celebrity Big Brother.

442. Is that, are they calling Lee Evans a moron there? That seems very tough.

443. No, he's the precocious toddler and that...

444. Oh, I see, fair enough, fair enough. Phew.

445. Again, this is in law. A moron in a hurry?

446. Well, we've all been that.

447. Yes, we have. These are sort of fictional types of people.

448. That they use in law language. That they use in law.

449. The most famous one is the man on the Clapham...?

450. Omnibus.

451. Omnibus... That's to do with advertising.

452. ..ie what we would call the man... No, it's just the man in the street. Oh, I see.

453. English common law is based on the idea of the reasonable man.

454. What would a reasonable person think? You know.

455. The man on the Clapham omnibus is not stupid,

456. but he's not a professor of astrophysics.

457. He's not a moron in a hurry,

458. he's just an ordinary sensible citizen,

459. and that is used as a standard by judges.

460. And a moron in a hurry is used as a standard

461. for another kind of problem in law that might come up.

462. It's in the area of passing off. Do you know what I mean by passing off?

463. Like logos or something? Yeah. So, expand.

464. Almost like false advertising, or maybe plagiarism.

465. That's more like it. As it were, product plagiarism. Yes.

466. Suppose I brought out something called Boca Bola,

467. and it was in a can exactly like,

468. with the same lettering and the same patterning, that would be against the law.

469. So would the moron in a hurry...

470. A moron in a hurry probably, would he notice that?

471. You've got to be careful there,

472. because you've also got people who are not very observant.

473. Well, there is that, of course. You know, I mean that's, that's me.

474. Are you not an observant person?

475. Sometimes, well, yes,

476. when I was in the army there was an observation trail we had to do,

477. and you had to walk through the bush and they put all these things,

478. and you had to go through and have a look,

479. and then, when you came out the other end of the bush,

480. the sergeant would ask you, "What sort of things did you see?"

481. And I told him I saw three things,

482. including the cone which marked the exit. So...

483. ..it was really just two things I saw,

484. and there were 17 things in the bush.

485. And one of those was a tank. So...

486. But, you know, my excuse was a lot of it was camouflaged.

487. Yeah. That's good.

488. But I'm not a moron in a hurry.

489. No. Because I took a long time.

490. You were a simple moron.

491. Three times the length of time. A casual moron. Yeah. Yeah.

492. So you'd be a fertile octogenarian then, in that.

493. Yes. And the fertile octogenarian is a fictitious character

494. that presumes that anyone, even an octogenarian, can parent a child.

495. So they're these kind of archetypes and... What's the kid, why is she in a mood? Precocious toddler.

496. It's like a fertile octogenarian at the other end of the scale.

497. Oh, OK.

498. To be fair, she's not a toddler, she's a bit older than that.

499. She is, she looks jolly cross, doesn't she? Jolly cross.

500. And, finally, why would I encourage a psychopath to eyeball my crotch?

501. Look at that picture. I mean...

502. Wow.

503. This is one of those that I don't think we want to know the real answer. No.

504. It's not a nice idea.

505. Would it release the tension?

506. Well, I'm afraid we're back in the weird world of the 1960s

507. and we're in the world of theoretical psychiatry.

508. And it won't surprise you to learn that it was in California,

509. there was a psychologist called Paul Bindrim,

510. who pioneered nude psychotherapy,

511. in 1967, at a nudist resort.

512. And he devised discomforting exercises,

513. one of which was called "crotch eyeballing",

514. in which participants were instructed

515. to look at each other's genitals...

516. Oh, God!

517. .. and disclose the sexual experiences they felt most guilty about,

518. while lying naked in a circle with their legs in the air.

519. I'm afraid there was a doctor

520. at Oak Ridge Hospital for the Criminally Insane,

521. a Canadian psychiatrist, called Elliot Barker,

522. who did a marathon nude psychotherapy session for criminal psychopaths.

523. These raw naked LSD-fuelled sessions lasted 11 days.

524. Wow.

525. 11 days you'd give a psychopath LSD, take their clothes off and...

526. But, you see, I believe in evidence-based medicine,

527. so if that can be shown to work, it should be available on the NHS.

528. Well, I agree.

529. It's not... It doesn't matter how ridiculous it is.

530. You're right, you're so right. I too am an empiricist like you.

531. You will be pleased to know that the average rate of recidivism

532. amongst psychopaths is 60%.

533. Amongst those who did that programme, it was 80%.

534. There we are. Therefore, it's a strong case.

535. So, we think it's a bad idea.

536. Recidivism is when you do it, the crime, again.

537. Oh, I see, I see. Yes, yes.

538. But why don't we try it?

539. Let's get up. Let's all get up and show each other our genitals.

540. Alan, come on, come on. Come on.

541. There's a lot of people getting cameras out, that's a bit...

542. Social networking.

543. He's got a very long telephoto lens as well, it's insulting.

544. You won't see mine from there, you'll have to come nearer.

545. Maybe the audience could take their clothes off as well.

546. Would you feel good about that?

547. Yeah, I'd feel more comfortable.

548. All right, OK. I hope the BBC lets us show this moment.

549. So, one, two, three. Trousers off!

550. Oh, dear! We, uh... seem to have a technical problem.

551. We're working to fix that as soon as we can.

552. Uh... Good, it's fixed now, so let's get straight back to QI.

553. Hopefully, we haven't missed anything quite interesting.

554. Oh, that was very good, that worked well. Very, very good.

555. That was interesting. Yeah. Very interesting.

556. And I can see why they call you Brian Cox now.

557. Yes!

558. Absolutely.

559. And a blue one is so weird. Yeah, I know, all right.

560. Anyway, we've learnt a lot about each other and about the audience.

561. Thank you for participating as well, audience. How very kind.

562. It was very interesting, it was very revealing, and talking of revealing,

563. there is something after all to be said for crotch-eyeballing,

564. but there's a lot more to be said for score eyeballing.

565. And my goodness me, do we have some scores for you today.

566. It's hard to believe that a man of such intellect should be in last place,

567. but I'm sorry to say, on minus seven, it's Brian Cox.

568. Oh, God!

569. And on minus two, Janus... Janus?

570. Jason, Jason Manford.

571. Oh, dear.

572. In second place, with a magnificent plus score of three, is Rhys Darby.

573. Oh, well done, mate. Thank you. Good work.

574. Thank you.

575. And, can we believe it, ladies and gentlemen,

576. with a towering five inches, I mean, sorry...

577. ..a towering five points, Alan Davies.

578. It only remains for me to thank Rhys, Jason, Brian and Alan

579. and may God have mercy on your souls. Goodnight.