Portlandia 4x9

1. Church is an option.

2. Hi, I'm Father Timothy.

3. Organized religion is stuffy and dogmatic, right?

4. What do you want?

5. Disorganized?

6. We can do that.

7. Nobody wants to pray anymore?

8. Okay.

9. We can do vision boards if you like...

10. cars, husbands.

11. It's aspirational.

12. It's things I'd pray for anyway,

13. and now I just call them visions.

14. Whoa.

15. I'm sorry.

16. It's okay.

17. Did I get any of that on you?

18. That looks so wrong.

19. I have the congregation nipping at my heels, so please consider

20. it an option.

21. Keep this in mind on Sundays, any day.

22. We listen to you.

23. Not only Sunday, Friday, Saturday.

24. Just call me.

25. I'll come down whenever you want.

26. We'll move the husband to make room for your dream vacation.

27. He's making sushi.

28. I love sushi.

29. Ooh.

30. Sorry.

31. I got a little excited.

32. Church is an option.

33. Organ music, kind of lame.

34. Hey, how about some rock and roll?

35. Hey, hey, hey.

36. This seems pretty cool.

37. Looking for a sense of peace and tranquility, I can put a little

38. needle in your back.

39. What do they call it?

40. Acupuncture?

41. Sure.

42. I really don't know what I'm doing.

43. Is that soothing?

44. It is?

45. Wow.

46. Beginner's luck.

47. That looks Danish modern, right?

48. Not for me.

49. I get nothing out of it.

50. I'm just gonna help you out.

51. Hello.

52. What time do we offer acupuncture?

53. It's normally at two, but we'll schedule for them.

54. Yeah.

55. We have... we have all kinds of needles.

56. They're not special needles.

57. Just tell 'em we have...

58. I think they are special needles.

59. They don't have to be.

60. Gentlemen, the mayor

61. Thank you.

62. There are those who think that Portland is quaint...

63. that we're not a serious city, and granted, we're not New York.

64. We don't have an Empire State Building or subway system, but

65. from this day forth, Portland can look at itself in the mirror

66. and say, you know what we do have?

67. We do have a

68. 3D printer.

69. Let the good times roll.

70. Thank you.

71. Thank you.

72. Oh, man.

73. It's so exciting, right?

74. Now that we have a 3D printer, Portland's finally

75. a first class city.

76. So excite... mom, hi.

77. We're so proud of you.

78. Fantastic.

79. Thank you, Dad.

80. Wonderful speech.

81. I want you to meet Fred and Carrie.

82. These are my parents.

83. Wow.

84. We showed up... nice to meet you, too.

85. You must be so proud.

86. We are.

87. He's such a good boy, and he's so handsome.

88. Yes, he is.

89. It's hard to say no to him when he wants something.

90. What do you mean, hard to say no?

91. Dad.

92. Mr. Mayor, did your parents buy the city a 3D printer?

93. They helped a little.

94. A little?

95. We bought him everything here.

96. They're buying everything for you?

97. So, we gonna go to lunch or...

98. We bought the podium, the flags.

99. You bought those flags.

100. We bought him this bridge,

101. for his birthday.

102. Who do you think pays for all this?

103. You bought him the Hawthorne Bridge?

104. Yeah.

105. We take care of everything for him.

106. Mom, shh.

107. That's shocking.

108. The city is like depending on them.

109. Yes.

110. Well, it's okay.

111. I'm retired.

112. I don't have anything to do, and...

113. Wow.

114. I want to support my son.

115. You're a trust fund kid, and Portland's a trust fund city.

116. Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

117. You don't...

118. Don't be such a baby.

119. I'm not a baby, Mom.

120. I'm the Mayor, okay?

121. Let's not forget that.

122. Mayor?

123. Mind your manners or maybe you don't want the hospital... the

124. one you've been talking about.

125. I don't want anything if you're gonna treat me like a baby.

126. How about if you're cut off?

127. What are you cutting him off from?

128. The whole city budget?

129. I don't care.

130. I don't care.

131. And now you're having a tantrum.

132. I am not having a tantrum.

133. If that's it... fine.

134. Cut off. You are cut off.

135. Go ahead. I don't care.

136. Cut me off. I don't care.

137. No don't cut him off I don't care.

138. La, la, la, la, la, la... not listening.

139. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

140. No hospital wing.

141. No more bridges.

142. No more city of Portland.

143. I'm cut off.

144. Ha.

145. Mr. Mayor.

146. Really nice to meet you guys.

147. It's not to meet you Carolyn.

148. You, too.

149. Ted.

150. Okay.

151. It's..no, Fred and Carrie.

152. Carolyn, Tony... very nice to meet you.

153. Sheesh.

154. Come on, Enid.

155. How you guys doing?

156. Feel like making some art?

157. Um, let's talk a little bit about statement art.

158. Since the 50's, one common target about making a statement

159. has been McDonald's.

160. Ronald McDonald plus something violent and crazy like money

161. equals

162. shock.

163. Shock me.

164. Make people go...

165. do it.

166. Betsy, want to come up?

167. Betsy, would you do me a favor and just kind of crouch down.

168. There you go.

169. Mouth open.

170. Betsy there, isn't it?

171. Nice job.

172. Ronald's there.

173. Uh-huh.

174. And I see that, and it's great, but if I walk into a gallery,

175. I'm gonna go like this... you want someone to stop in their

176. tracks.

177. Hey, or even like... oh, come on.

178. Just like... my heart.

179. Hmm.

180. A jump And them a move away.

181. Is there a gas mask in the case, honey?

182. If you got a gas mask, you know, you're... there's a soldier

183. stance.

184. Betsy, honey, why don't you... can you do a sort of

185. strung out on heroin pose?

186. Yeah, sort of nodding off into... the villain is the

187. puppeteer.

188. There you go.

189. You guys know each other?

190. That's my wife.

191. Married a long time, 30 years... 32 years... 31 years.

192. How'd you guys meet?

193. 32 years.

194. When was your hair long?

195. Never.

196. Sorry.

197. Uh, we met at a McDonald's.

198. I always think of artists kind of doing more like a bread and

199. cheese thing but...

200. There is bread and cheese in McDonald's.

201. The last supper, huh?

202. She called it the last breakfast, but it ends at 11.

203. Ronald's fangs have got to come down over the bottom lip.

204. Look at me.

205. See that.

206. Yeah.

207. Ronald's a vampire.

208. Remember your sense of perspective and gravity.

209. You're not gonna want...

210. Betsy, you got to see this.

211. What do you think, huh?

212. Is that... I'm still shocked.

213. Real... just shocking, shocking, shock.

214. You have to watch your feet because the... the length of them

215. just gets right... see you slapped the top of my foot.

216. Sorry

217. Hey, Dad.

218. What do you think of this one?

219. It's got Ronald McDonald on it.

220. Meditation.

221. Go ahead. Carry on.

222. Yeah, I just thought of a book idea.

223. You want to pitch it to me?

224. Do you want some feedback or...

225. It's a reclassification of the animals.

226. Great, and you came up with all this for meditating.

227. Okay?

228. But... just yeah, just a sort of sub... new subsets of, you know,

229. where the whales would go and fish and everything.

230. Awesome.

231. Thank you.

232. Thank you very much.

233. Thanks.

234. I don't remember ordering any of this.

235. I never remember what I ordered.

236. Open it.

237. Give me the.. Calm down Oh.

238. Yes Oh that's nice.

239. I ordered this last week.

240. I'm gonna try it now.

241. Umm, we got to talk about a little something.

242. I've come to the conclusion that Christmas is dead.

243. It's a very shocking thing to say, but because people can

244. order things online, every day has become Christmas.

245. So you order a spatula, and it comes in a box, and that's a

246. present?

247. Yeah.

248. We have to fight back.

249. Okay, but how can a delivery truck pulling up to a door be as

250. exciting as a bunch of reindeer landing on your roof?

251. I have no... look... I can't read people's minds.

252. Well, I mean, I know some things.

253. I'll tell you something.

254. I walked into a house, thought I'd see, you know, milk and

255. cookies sitting there.

256. A young girl's there.

257. She sort of smiled at me.

258. She goes, oh, aren't we supposed to give you like milk and

259. cookies or something, and I was like oh, that would be nice.

260. She's like, oh, that's what we did, yeah, I guess, and she just

261. kind of giggled and walked away.

262. I don't need the milk and cookies.

263. I'm fine.

264. It's the sort of, oh, that's different now.

265. Well, just so you know, we've never gotten milk and cookies.

266. Like, we kind of do all the work back here, and then you go out

267. and just get milk and cookies and notes.

268. Just so you know... I mean.

269. Isn't your name Nutmeg?

270. Yes.

271. Right.

272. So, it's not Santa Claus?

273. No.

274. My friends call me Nut.

275. Right, but it's not Santa Claus.

276. You see my point?

277. Anyway, in order to compete with websites like Amazon where

278. people just, you know, it's a click away and they get whatever

279. they want... spatula, but I think we've got to do something, and

280. we're gonna be working year-round.

281. 24-7 Christmas.com?

282. My worry off the bat is it just seems like 2-4-7,

283. like a sort of number.

284. Sorry.

285. That supposed to look like me?

286. The imagery they use for Santa... I almost want to go to

287. these places.

288. What the hell are you doing?

289. When was I fat?

290. Was I ever fat?

291. That's the thing that gets me.

292. Of all the things, the sort of...

293. did I once ever do this to you?

294. Uh-huh.

295. What is that?

296. Hey, guys.

297. Uh, any interest in flying a jet, being a pilot, co-pilot,

298. anything like that?

299. Do you have any flying experience... I'm thinking aside

300. from the whole slave thing or if you know how to drive a truck?

301. Semi?

302. Very funny.

303. Mr. Mayor, as you and my esteemed colleagues

304. are well aware, we are in the middle of a budget

305. crisis.

306. I mean, even the popular horse patrol has had to resort to

307. fundraising.

308. In my district, we have so many potholes and without your

309. parents' money, I don't know how we're gonna pay to fix 'em.

310. Well, I mean, we do have a 3D printer.

311. We could probably just print a road.

312. You can't print a new road.

313. You know, in my district, we were gonna build a school.

314. How about that?

315. We can build a school.

316. How?

317. Print one.

318. We can print a school, right?

319. Can you print teachers, curriculum, crossing guards?

320. We can print a brick, right?

321. We can print a brick.

322. We can print a brick.

323. That's part of a school.

324. Technically, that might work, but what happens when it comes

325. to plans...

326. Wow.

327. Whoa.

328. Hot.

329. It's still warm.

330. Look at that.

331. That's a 3D brick.

332. That is... ooh, it's light too, still warm.

333. That's a brick.

334. That's a 3... look at that... that's a 3D brick.

335. At this rate, though, Mr. Mayor, one brick per time, how long

336. would it take to build a school?

337. I just am amazed by this technology.

338. I see that.

339. 3D technology.

340. It's insane.

341. And you're willing to tie our whole fiscal future of this city

342. and its citizens to the 3D printer?

343. If we can print this, think of what we can do.

344. We can print a wheelchair.

345. We can print crutches.

346. We can...

347. Even pay raises.

348. Could you print those?

349. We, uh, have the capability of printing pens and pencils, which

350. we could use to write those documents.

351. You're penning the citizens in, Mr. Mayor.

352. I mean, I know you like your little toy...

353. She's right.

354. You just can't print your way out of every problem.

355. Can we print a new attitude for you, Mr. Mayor?

356. Can we print a new Mayor, Sam?

357. Watch this.

358. It's a 3D printer.

359. Great.

360. Oh.

361. Is that what I look like, really?

362. But everything works.

363. Look, seriously, it seems like the only choice we have is to

364. patch things up with your parents.

365. No I don't care if you don't like it.

366. No.

367. We have to help him.

368. That's their fault.

369. Not my fault.

370. I actually have an idea.

371. Huh?

372. Am I hearing a little bit of maybe, yeah?

373. This is lame.

374. I'm out of here.

375. Pictures up. We cue bubbles.

376. Whisperia perfume commercial.

377. Take one.

378. Okay. Sound up.

379. Rolling and...

380. You want to call action?

381. Yeah... I want... not yet.

382. We're rolling.

383. What do you want me... the models to be doing?

384. Are they gonna... can they laugh?

385. Can I get some laughter?

386. You guys having a really good time.

387. Have them...

388. The fragrance... fragrances often make people laugh

389. because of the name.

390. We're rolling.

391. Can... can we get the bubbles to talk?

392. Can the bubbles do any speaking?

393. No, bubbles don't talk, sir.

394. Here.

395. You gonna go out? You want to cut?

396. I got this.

397. Should we all cut?

398. If you're in the shot.

399. We can't... we can't get this done.

400. Yeah, but I'm saying is that...

401. He insists on being in the shot.

402. But... but they, they...

403. Wait, you.

404. You're in the shot.

405. Why don't you come back and direct from here.

406. I'm not on.

407. You're on now.

408. You're... you're on now.

409. Man, if he... if we have him out here

410. and then you're holding hands here.

411. It's unusable if you're on... on screen, so come on out.

412. Can't see yourself... you're...

413. you're in that.

414. We can't do that.

415. Yeah.

416. You're on... you're on camera now.

417. We should film it on this.

418. We can't do that.

419. What is it?

420. Sophia, my girlfriend, is coming in, and she's coming from via

421. New York.

422. Flag on the play.

423. Short break.

424. I'm supposed to pick her up.

425. Okay.

426. She's at the airport.

427. We have to go pick her up?

428. She's... she's normal, and we just do things together and

429. she's beautiful.

430. That's great.

431. Um, let's get there.

432. How do you do the airport?

433. You just find... you look up the airline?

434. I know where we're going.

435. Yeah, what airline is she on?

436. Did she tell you?

437. Give you a flight number?

438. Name things.

439. Uh, American, United, Delta, uh, Virgin, um...

440. Will you say that word again?

441. Virgin?

442. That's it.

443. Okay, great.

444. Should we go to Virgin Airport.

445. No, no, no.

446. It's all part of Portland Airport, but we'll...

447. It's all in the same thing.

448. Yeah, but I'll... I'll drop you off at the... where the Virgin

449. terminal is, and you can go in and...

450. Then doesn't the car just drive off into like a wall?

451. I'll be in the car, and I'll...

452. I don't want you to be in a car accident.

453. Why don't, um, I drive, and I'm going to drop you off?

454. All right.

455. Hair and makeup, sound, wardrobe, everybody

456. into the van.

457. We're going to the airport.

458. She says she's at baggage claim.

459. Let's go.

460. That's always like dark and then...

461. She's gonna meet you there.

462. Let's go in here.

463. Yes.

464. This is great.

465. We're here.

466. We're on the move.

467. We're on the move.

468. Have all the light coming in from here, and this is green.

469. Do we need that... do we need this?

470. Can we lose that?

471. Can we lose some of the back... the background here?

472. We... we can't get rid of that JW, it's part of the airport.

473. We can't do that.

474. Aw, all right.

475. Can you... can I get flowers, but not the kind

476. that are all colorful?

477. Let's get last looks on JW.

478. Last looks.

479. And when that... when... should I rehearse?

480. Hi, how was your trip?

481. And um...

482. Tonya, she like loves me.

483. That's great.

484. Let's fall back.

485. First team on the move.

486. Fall back.

487. Let's fall back.

488. Hey.

489. These are for you.

490. You look beautiful.

491. Love you.

492. Come on.

493. Let's go home.

494. And we are clear.

495. That's a wrap everybody.

496. Good job Nice work.

497. Good job.

498. Whisperia

499. Lance, I think there's something wrong with Leon.

500. I tried to poke him, get him to turn over, and then I tried to

501. feed him.

502. What?

503. There's something wrong with Leon.

504. I tried to feed him and then he wasn't moving, and I tried to

505. poke him and then nothing happened.

506. He's dead.

507. What?

508. He's dead, look at him he's dead.

509. No.

510. Oh no.

511. Little guy.

512. He died.

513. Oh why.

514. I thought he was just laying there, and he didn't want to

515. move.

516. Lance?

517. Are you crying?

518. My favorite little guy.

519. He understood me so... so well, like no one else understood me.

520. There's nothing more you could've done for little guy,

521. but you know something?

522. Now it's your turn to cry.

523. We can't both be crying.

524. So just cry it out.

525. You can cry all day long, okay?

526. Here you go.

527. That's okay.

528. You got to let it out.

529. That's the important thing.

530. Hey, listen, Lance isn't gonna come into work today.

531. You know, you have to eat, okay?

532. No.

533. Do you want your deck of cards?

534. Leon used to watch me play cards.

535. Where are they, in the kitchen?

536. The second drawer near the microwave.

537. Lance, what...

538. What are you watching?

539. The Notebook.

540. Noah and Ali.

541. They were meant to be together.

542. You used to make fun of me for watching that.

543. I don't know why.

544. What part are you on?

545. They're lying on the floor, and he says he needs more food if

546. they're gonna keep making love.

547. Don't show it to me because I'll start crying.

548. One of the best movies ever made.

549. Hey, Jim.

550. Hey, Dana, Lance around?

551. He's inside crying.

552. I got this bike.

553. I need to get it fixed, supposed to be done by tomorrow.

554. Lance said he'd take care of it.

555. Hey!

556. Dana?

557. You leave me crying by myself.

558. Were you cheating on me?

559. No.

560. I just fixed Jim's bike.

561. I was gonna do that.

562. I was gonna fix it.

563. I got it.

564. Don't worry about it.

565. Want to take a ride?

566. Oh yeah.

567. Oh, it's the Mayor's Mom and Dad.

568. Okay.

569. Well, it breaks my heart.

570. I'll tell ya that.

571. Well, I wish you'd reconsider.

572. Do you think this is gonna work?

573. I think so.

574. I mean, you're a great puppeteer.

575. You're a great puppeteer.

576. No.

577. I mean it, though.

578. You're like supreme.

579. When he starts acting like that, it's nothing you can do with him

580. you know?

581. Thank you.

582. Ready Let's do this.

583. Okay.

584. Let's do it.

585. At a certain point you just...

586. Dad.

587. Yeah.

588. Wow.

589. I had no idea.

590. I was walking through the restaurant.

591. Hello Mom, of course you'd be here as well, but Dad...

592. All I see...

593. No, Mom.

594. Hold on.

595. I'm talking to Dad.

596. This is man to man.

597. Why are you doing this?

598. Why am I... I'm apologizing.

599. Hello.

600. Thank you for voting for me.

601. Thank you everyone.

602. Thank you.

603. I really apologize from the bottom of my heart to the top of

604. my head.

605. Don't cut me off, Dad.

606. Don't cut me off at all.

607. I'm really, really, really sorry, Dad, and Mom,

608. I love you...

609. so much.

610. Come on, guys.

611. Come on, come on, come on.

612. We see you back there.

613. What do you want?

614. I'm... I'm sorry.

615. That was good.

616. It's a good... it's a good show.

617. Okay.

618. He's sorry.

619. He was just, you know, acting up, and he just had too much

620. pride, and he doesn't mean it.

621. He doesn't want you to cut us off.

622. It's not like your son is spending the money on sports

623. cars or self-tanning or anything ostentatious.

624. He's really spending it for the good of the city.

625. And we thank you, by the way.

626. It's a really great thing you guys have done.

627. Yeah, well I love owning Portland.

628. I mean... before I started buying up Portland for Mr. Mayor, I was

629. actually looking at Fresno.

630. I looked at a lot of cities.

631. Oh.

632. We're glad that you're such good friends to him.

633. Can we buy you something special?

634. We can buy you something nice?

635. I'd love that.

636. What would you like?

637. A belt.

638. How about you?

639. What do you want?

640. Uh...

641. He's sorry, okay?

642. We're speaking for him.

643. Yeah, I know you are.

644. I take it to heart, and he's forgiven, and we can... we'll put

645. this back together.

646. Aw.

647. You're good friends.

648. You're good guys.

649. Well, you're good parents.

650. Thank you.

651. You're back.

652. We're back.

653. God knows I love you.

654. Dinner's on me, okay?

655. I insist.

656. Pass the check.

657. Sure, my parents spoil me, but that's only because they can,

658. and if I ever make a lot of money some day, I would buy them

659. a house or maybe a trip, but for now all I can really say is

660. thank you Mom.

661. Thank you, Dad.

662. Why don't you buy your friends some pizza?

663. Really?

664. Yeah.

665. All right.

666. Hey, we get to order pizza.

667. Wait a minute.

668. I never thought of that.

669. They're... McDonald's... they... ju st... thought that was the same

670. thing the whole time.

671. What did I eat?

672. What did I swallow?

673. I can't regurgitate this.

674. You regurgitate for me on the canvas.