Portlandia 4x8

1. Well, as always, I am super excited

2. about the pride parade.

3. I can't wait to hear what freaky stuff

4. the LGBT community is cooking up, so what do you got?

5. We're all set. We've got the street officially as of 1:15.

6. We were also able to negotiate a really good insurance policy.

7. The city is completely covering it.

8. Do you have that, uh, what was that... that nude, um,

9. drum major that had that long stick?

10. Remember that last year? Is he back? We're going to have him?

11. I think the last time he was in the parade was 1985?

12. Oh.

13. Yeah, and in 1986 he was specifically

14. uninvited to participate.

15. Great. So you're going to have floats.

16. You're going to have G-string dancers.

17. You're going to do... The SOPO's.

18. I love the SOPO's.

19. You got to have the SOPO's, right?

20. Well, for insurance purposes, we're not going to be doing

21. the SOPO's this year.

22. Just the people I want to see.

23. Mr. Mayor, people are really upset.

24. When I came into office, I took an oath.

25. All right? And the oath was to keep Portland weird.

26. The point is gay people are normal.

27. But I don't think you can build a parade around it. I mean, who's going to show up?

28. What do you want? What would you prefer?

29. I don't understand... People who don't have a voice having a time to...

30. to let it all out, let it all hang out.

31. You know, like they used to.

32. I mean, it was crazy. Who are the outsiders?

33. Who are the new freaks?

34. You know, bigots are like really hated.

35. I'm getting so many messages about this.

36. This is really bad.

37. Portland, you guys are a bunch

38. of pussies.

39. Right... back to the office.

40. I'll tell you something that's really funny.

41. We went to the, uh, hardware store.

42. So we, you know, go to the car, open up the back, start putting it in.

43. We start driving away.

44. We forgot to pay.

45. Yeah. Oh.

46. We felt so bad driving out of that parking lot.

47. I mean, we made it one inch outside that parking lot.

48. It was like ahh. We're criminals.

49. That's what... I love that story.

50. Uh, I myself haven't been in a Home Depot much recently.

51. Yeah. You should... you should check it out.

52. It's, uh, you know... I think they're having a sale or something.

53. Yeah. Hey, we did something the other night.

54. Should we, uh... I don't know if we want to regale you with

55. something that could be interesting or not, but uh...

56. Andrea's...

57. It's nothing. Be careful what you tell us or we'll have to call

58. the police on you. Yeah.

59. We went to a party the other day and took drugs.

60. We tripped.

61. We... we had a trip.

62. Oh.

63. That's crazy. Who did? The two of you?

64. Yes. Was it scary?

65. No. Yes.

66. I would say yes. Well, well...

67. You would say no. It was scary in the best way.

68. Did you hallucinate?

69. Did you have visions?

70. Why? Why did you do this?

71. My life had been going like this, and I just wanted

72. , you know, very quick kind of spike.

73. This business with spiking... I just feel like aren't you afraid

74. that it's just going to go like waaaa.

75. Well, you made ...

76. What is it? Is it a pill?

77. Like, how... what form is it in? Does it look like a mushroom?

78. Tea. They make it into a tea.

79. Wow.

80. It's a tea.

81. I always felt like if you didn't do drugs in high school or

82. college that that was it, like that is the window

83. for doing drugs.

84. Are you kind of like curious about doing this?

85. I'm not saying I want to do it.

86. It just made me feel bad a little bit, like well maybe

87. we're not people that try new things.

88. I don't know anything about drugs.

89. The most I ever did was like I had a pot cookie in high school,

90. and there was like not even pot in it.

91. So you ate a cookie in high school?

92. Yeah. I mean that's the extent of it.

93. I just think it might be a way for us to just like get out

94. of our routine.

95. I would do it if you wanted to do it.

96. For one, we should do research.

97. I want to get online.

98. Uh-huh. I want to get books.

99. I want to approach this like we would buying a car.

100. All right. You know?

101. Is this happening?

102. It's a deal.

103. It's a drug deal.

104. Pun Slingers.

105. We come up with pun names for your business.

106. We don't do doggy day care, hair cutting places or faux.

107. Oh, Italian restaurant.

108. Okay. That sounds good.

109. Where are you going to be located?

110. Okay. Get your number.

111. Well, thank you.

112. Okay. Geeg, Italian restaurant.

113. Great. Yeah.

114. We have Italian food. Yes, we do.

115. It should be a good one. All right.

116. Food... all right, so.

117. What do you got Geeg?

118. You know, it could be construed as controversial, but that's a great restaurant name.

119. Planned Pizzahood.

120. Oh, nice. Yeah.

121. Yeah. Yeah?

122. Yeah. Love it.

123. Um, I thought of Pizza, Paul and Mary.

124. Love it. That's good.

125. Oh, thinking...

126. Let's try to think more on the Italian thing.

127. Venice The Menace.

128. Ahh. I mean, it's just, uh...

129. I like it. I like the groan.

130. Crust Me, like trust me.

131. Out of Parm's Way.

132. Oh. Right?

133. That's really terrible. Yeah.

134. I've got one.

135. What about, uh, Spaghetti Museum?

136. Spaghetti Museum?

137. Is that... is that a pun?

138. Lord of the Pasta, Pasta Rings.

139. How about that? Wait, what was it again?

140. Lord of the... uh, the movie is the Hobbit.

141. Okay. I've got a movie one.

142. Five Easy Pizzas.

143. Ahh.

144. Does this work for anyone?

145. ET Phone Rome?

146. Ugh, that's a... that's a full grown.

147. And then if for some reason there's a whole thing with the

148. rights to ET...

149. Eaty Phone Rome.

150. I love it.

151. Yeah, because see my eyes are rolling in the back of my head on that one.

152. Good

153. Okay. Let's put a pin in that guys, hold on.

154. Pun Slingers, this is Gigi.

155. How may I help you?

156. Okay. We'll get back to you.

157. Thank you very much.

158. Guys, optometrist, on to vision.

159. Great. How about Lenses Me Your Ears?

160. Oh, I like it.

161. Stupid? It's very stupid.

162. I got a fun one.

163. TGI Framedays.

164. Oh, that's so dumb. Thank you.

165. Won't you just put 'em down and just go back over and pick out

166. the ones that are... that are best sounding?

167. I mean, that's the idea.

168. Uh-huh.

169. Okay, what about Spectocular.

170. Oh, brother.

171. That sounds good.

172. I'm shaking my head, and I love it.

173. Pros and Contacts.

174. A Side Order of French Four Eyes.

175. I like it. French Four Eyes.

176. All of the ideas were good, you know, but I'm just... I couldn't,

177. uh... I'm just sorry I couldn't help you guys a lot... a little

178. bit more than I did.

179. You can't blame yourself because we are a group.

180. I really like A Side Order of French Four Eyes.

181. Yeah, that... that's good.

182. Pun Slingers.

183. We come up with puns for your business.

184. Yes, sir.

185. Certainly.

186. By when?

187. Right away.

188. Phil, what was that about?

189. That was the United States.

190. What is it they want?

191. They want a pun.

192. They want us to do a pun for the United States.

193. The name? The name.

194. Let's just have fun with it and see what happens.

195. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the.

196. Brewnited Taste of Americano.

197. Coming.

198. Hi. Can I help you?

199. Yeah, hi, um... we were looking through your window.

200. We noticed, um, you have one of those Moleskin notebooks.

201. You have a lot of 'em.

202. Yeah, a whole bunch here. Yeah.

203. And what do you use it for mostly?

204. Um, well I'm an aspiring writer, so...

205. Hmm. Here's a poem.

206. Did you write this one? Oh.

207. Laundry, fix lamp, find key, e-mail Anthony.

208. I think that one was actually a to do list.

209. Why isn't this filled?

210. Why isn't this... and... What's happened here?

211. Uh. Is it Garfield?

212. Yeah.

213. Is it important that you try to draw Garfield on

214. two separate pages?

215. This is a glorified post it, and I won't die to be a post it.

216. I said that when we signed the contract.

217. I will not die to be a post it, and that's what I turned into.

218. There are other ways that you can document things.

219. That's all she's saying.

220. Microsoft Word is incredible.

221. It's got like... it's got... look at this.

222. Oh. It's good. Enable macros.

223. No, disable. What are macros?

224. I don't... I'm just... just disable it.

225. Oh hey, you remember that my brother's

226. coming this weekend, right? Oh, right.

227. And we get to meet the boyfriend.

228. Oh, that's right.

229. He like just told our family he was gay.

230. Wow.

231. and like...

232. wouldn't his boyfriend like go through my closet and like get

233. rid of stuff that isn't good?

234. Should we like redo the living room or something?

235. I just feel like we just like threw stuff up in there.

236. You know, we could go to like mid century furniture stores

237. with them, and they could just...

238. Oh, they'll know, and also they're good at like haggling in

239. like sort of like... like, we're not paying that much, like that is ridiculous.

240. Like I have the cool gay brother.

241. Yea.

242. Hi. Hey.

243. How are you? Good.

244. Whoa. I got it.

245. My little cheerleader. How are you?

246. Good to see you. You, too.

247. Fred. How are you, man?

248. Good to see you, you look great.

249. Thank you.

250. Oh, hi buddy. Who's this?

251. We don't... Rambo Rambo, chill out.

252. Hey, how is it going? Can we just move through here.

253. Oh, sorry.

254. Sorry about that. Whoa.

255. Is he all right? I almost spilled the pizza.

256. I'm Carrie. Uh, what's... I'm sorry, Nick.

257. Nice to meet you.

258. How's you doing bro?

259. Nice to see you.

260. Thanks for having us, man. Yeah.

261. Well, can we set up the X-Box?

262. Watch out for the plant.

263. Yeah, careful of that. That's, uh...

264. That's all right.

265. Sorry.

266. So, Josh never told me how you guys met.

267. Oh, my God.

268. We met at a ESPN Zone.

269. Yeah, we got into a bar fight

270. and then, uh, we ended up just making out at the bar.

271. The whole bar freaked out.

272. Yeah. We've been going out for... I don't know, like three or four weeks.

273. We actually had some questions about maybe you could help us do

274. a little redecorating later.

275. Um, in the morning, we both do a lot of Jager bombs.

276. Do you have that?

277. We were just going to take you down to this pretty nice café.

278. Do they have Jager bombs? And jello shots?

279. Do you want me to go out and buy a bottle of Jagermeister is what you're saying?

280. We have an Oregon pino that we got, it's a...

281. A what?

282. Watch out!

283. Don't!

284. Are you sure they're gay? I mean...

285. They're slobs.

286. I mean... I don't know.

287. Should we still ask them to redecorate?

288. I got totally ripped off on the gay relative thing.

289. Let's just get out of here.

290. Like, I can't see this mess anymore.

291. Oh, my God.

292. What is going on here?

293. Hi Sis, what do you think?

294. Is that my blazer?

295. Mabes.

296. Did you always have that little lisp?

297. Yes, I've had it since I was born.

298. This is how gay people talk.

299. It's so clean.

300. I... look at the floor.

301. How did you guys have time to clean everything so much?

302. When we were sleep, I heard you say we're disappointing gays,

303. and we just wanted to... we felt bad.

304. It's... it's our fault.

305. We're... we're being close-minded and weird. Yeah.

306. Like, I prefer you the other way, where you're just my

307. regular brother that's acting normal with someone that you

308. clearly like.

309. I'm so glad we can be ourselves around you.

310. You want to go get... do some Jager bombs?

311. I can talk like this now?

312. Yes.

313. Carrie, I love you.

314. Nick, I love you, too.

315. Gross.

316. All right. So, the first part of doing drugs, I guess, is choosing a date?

317. Should we be spontaneous about it? No.

318. No. Right?

319. We've been wearing helmets our whole life.

320. When you take the helmets off, that's the moment we're doing drugs.

321. Yeah, and we're sort of putting on a cat in the hat hat.

322. We're adventurers. We're not playing it safe, but we do have to plan.

323. I can maybe get Tuesday off work.

324. What if we do the 7th? The 7th, I have bar class.

325. I want to be up and ready for that.

326. I mean you might be super ready after this.

327. I mean, maybe you'll just be excellent at it.

328. It could be my best bar class. What about this Sunday?

329. The spiral symbolizes drug day.

330. I mean, I imagine we're going to be vomiting a lot.

331. You know what?

332. Dentist, because people grind their teeth on drugs.

333. Yes. Oh, we should get those mouth guards.

334. I think get a fitting for dentures.

335. Passport renewal.

336. What if we end up in Mexico? Right.

337. Is there anything else?

338. Maybe we'll make a video for Grover?

339. Hey, Grover.

340. If you're watching this, what happened was daddy took drugs

341. and kind of went off into another world.

342. Don't follow trends.

343. Try not to listen to electronic dance music.

344. I think that's just going to be a phase.

345. Oh, and uh, when you're asking somebody out,

346. play it cool.

347. First things first.

348. We need a baby sitter. Oh, okay.

349. We'll get Monica. Okay.

350. So, you don't have a return time set?

351. We might be back in five minutes.

352. Could be back in five days, could be two years.

353. This could be it for you in terms of your new life.

354. I... yeah.

355. That kind of poses a problem for me just time-wise.

356. Because you're still in school. Yeah.

357. Monica, you... you'd make a great mom.

358. But I don't... I don't...

359. We don't know what's going to happen.

360. We could gouge our own eyes out and like

361. put each other's eyes in each other's skulls.

362. Okay. I don't know.

363. Have you thought about not doing this?

364. Worst case scenario, we come home, things are a little crazy.

365. You just take Grover, and you go into the panic room.

366. What?

367. The panic room.

368. Do not let us in.

369. No matter what.

370. Hey, can you... can you hear us?

371. Yeah.

372. Can you let me in? I forgot something down there?

373. Yeah, but you gave me expressed instructions not to open the

374. door under any circumstances.

375. You did it. You passed the test.

376. Great. Thank you.

377. All right. What's that sound?

378. Unlocking it so you can come out.

379. My allergies are really acting up today for some reason.

380. Yeah, me too.

381. Do you have enough for the day?

382. I've got my Kleenex here.

383. Ahh, I just don't want to be gross in front of the customers.

384. Let me hide it from you, and you tell me if you can see it and if

385. this seems gross.

386. Hi, may I help you?

387. And then if I was just... to just kind of...

388. No, I noticed that.

389. Uh, can we help you?

390. Hi.

391. We're looking for the owners here.

392. Why?

393. We're here because there's been a lot of car break-ins in the area.

394. Can we see your credentials, please? Uh...

395. Here's my badge. I can show you ID.

396. Just... sorry.

397. Can I see your patch, please?

398. My patch? Yes, sir.

399. I asked... I asked very clearly if I can see your patch.

400. Okay. I've never been asked that before.

401. That's not against the law to ask if I could look at a patch.

402. No, please...

403. Do you have a search warrant?

404. I don't need to search the store or anything.

405. Oh You don't need a search warrant.

406. You march in like the Gestapo.

407. This is our barrier.

408. This is our moat.

409. And I respect your, uh, your barrier.

410. Our moat. She said moat.

411. Moat. Okay.

412. I'll respect your moat, but...

413. I saw something suspicious. Yes, please.

414. I saw a gentleman who is taller than you.

415. Uh, he has... he had short dark hair, and his arms were in here

416. in his... his vest like close to just all of his pockets, and a

417. little bit of facial hair over here, and he was staring at me like this.

418. Okay. And then he shook his head.

419. It's been a great, uh, time chatting with you, but we're

420. going to go ahead and move down the street and talk to some

421. other business owners, but uh...

422. We're not done with you. We have some questions for you.

423. Toni, tissue? I'm good, Candice.

424. Tissue? Tissue?

425. No, thank you.

426. Don't need it.

427. You play a good game, but does he?

428. Sooner or later you're going to need a tissue.

429. Did you have a question for me? Don't piss me off.

430. Ma'am, I mean... I... I... it's probably an emotional time?

431. Hey, I get it.

432. You know, she can come across as a little unhinged.

433. If you want to go ahead and fess up, I'm right here.

434. You want to ask us questions, you do it with respect because

435. let me tell you my friends...

436. I can't hear you.

437. You're not...

438. You...

439. Uh.

440. We're doing nothing wrong.

441. These are police officers who want to be interrogating us and

442. bothering us.

443. That's great.

444. I'm going to do one... a littleselfie of me just drinking tea. Okay.

445. Just because I want... this is like aside from this.

446. I think I'm done.

447. Candice, call the police.

448. We are the police.

449. Prove it!

450. Thank you. That's what we thought.

451. Uh-huh.

452. Give our love to the commissioner.

453. Bye.

454. Hey, do you have like a safety pin?

455. This is what my last relationship felt like.

456. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

457. Starving. Yeah.

458. What's this place?

459. Oh, best of Portland Thai food.

460. Bridgetown Weekly.

461. Let's do it.

462. Give it a try. Yeah.

463. Kaeng khanun? Yep.

464. Thank you. And red curry?

465. That's great. Thank you so much.

466. Thank you.

467. Hi.

468. Hi. Hi.

469. Everything good?

470. Uh, well, we're going to... we're excited to try it.

471. Red curry is, uh, is very, uh spicy, but it's very good.

472. All right. Great.

473. Did you get like a child's portion?

474. I don't know.

475. Oh, wow. This is really sweet, which it shouldn't be.

476. Yuck. You don't like it?

477. Not really.

478. I like my rice, I guess.

479. It's like ketchupy.

480. Why is there no one in here?

481. What'd it say out front?

482. Best Thai food, right?

483. Yeah. Bridgetown Weekly.

484. What is Bridgetown Weekly? What is it?

485. It's one of the alt weeklies in town, right?

486. Are you sure?

487. I think so.

488. It's just some alt, alt weekly.

489. What's this?

490. I mean, I don't... the best Thai food?

491. This is my only shrimp.

492. Just one little shrimp.

493. Why... why would he list it?

494. For them to actually endorse this place?

495. Yeah. Seems weird, right?

496. I know. They just sit behind these desks, and they write all these

497. things, and they're so fancy.

498. How about they see us and see our faces?

499. Let's go there. Yeah.

500. Like, why would they want their weekly's name associated with this restaurant?

501. Yeah.

502. Thank you very much. Thank you.

503. Hey, hey.

504. Hello. Welcome to Bridgetown Weekly.

505. Thanks. Yeah.

506. Listen, we want to, um...

507. you're very familiar.

508. Spike, it's the guy from the Thai restaurant.

509. This magazine is just designed so they can write reviews of

510. themselves.

511. What? Yeah.

512. No, no. It is a real weekly.

513. It's a real weekly.

514. So, everyone here just writes, huh?

515. What about that lady right there?

516. What do you write? Are you writing about something?

517. I'm writing a review of movies.

518. Okay, like uh...

519. We love Paul Thomas Anderson movie.

520. Boogie Night, wow.

521. Magnolia, you kidding me?

522. Yeah.

523. Okay, well, first of all, that lady is the waitress

524. from the Thai restaurant.

525. There Will Be Blood blew me away.

526. That was a good one.

527. Spike. Okay.

528. Joaquin in The Master. Wonderful.

529. Number one 2012.

530. I could talk to you all night about this.

531. Thank you.

532. That is a real weekly. What does she do back there?

533. She does music festival listings.

534. Uh-huh. Mumford and Son.

535. And what about the kid right there?

536. He write the sex column called Salvage Love.

537. No, Dan Savage writes Savage Love.

538. That's... That's him, that's him.

539. No offense. I'm sure you're a great writer.

540. It's not Dan Savage.

541. That's Dan Savage. It's not, I...

542. He's Dan Savage.

543. Hello, Dan.

544. Hey, Dan. Great column.

545. That is a real weekly.

546. Let's look at this. Spike.

547. Remember this cover? Uh...

548. This is great.

549. Shattered promises.

550. Glass is broken, and you don't know who the politician is, like

551. is he ruining the city?

552. I'm running a story about sticking it to the man, and

553. legalization of marijuana and, uh,

554. on the headline "Your Tax Are High."

555. Nice work.

556. Spike, come on.

557. Like your tax has been smoking weed.

558. No, I... I... it's like a pun.

559. This whole weekly is a scam.

560. It's the big charade so they can put up a

561. best Thai restaurant sticker.

562. Yeah, but still, I mean it opens people's eyes, right?

563. You should work here for me. Yeah?

564. Where do I start.

565. Order up.

566. You see another one like this red piece?

567. Hi, ma'am. We're just dropping these two off here.

568. This is where they live, right? Yes, they do.

569. We are on drugs.

570. What?

571. We are on drugs.

572. We might jump out of a window.

573. I have no idea if I'm speaking gibberish or what's happening.

574. Oh. Am I screaming right now?

575. You're fine.

576. You know, they flagged us down just a little bit ago.

577. I just wanted to make sure they got home okay. That's it.

578. Thank you so much.

579. You're welcome.

580. I guess we should go underwater again, huh?

581. Um, I'd like to apologize on their behalf.

582. That's not necessary. Thank you.

583. Am... am I picturing everything in sort of a black and white

584. negative space right now?

585. Not to my knowledge. No.

586. I feel like there's a steady cam like right here, like...

587. did I pull my own teeth out?

588. No.

589. Everything's cool.

590. You're golden.

591. I'm golden?

592. No, figuratively speaking.

593. You're not... physically, you're not golden.

594. Are you sure this isn't normal?

595. I know both of these people.

596. They have never done anything like this before.

597. Please don't listen to a word she's saying.

598. She is on drugs right now.

599. No. I'm not.

600. Are you on drugs? She is on drugs.

601. She doesn't know what's happening right now.

602. Your shirt says you're on drugs.

603. Who put this on me? Monica?

604. She made them. She's framing us.

605. I'm not pointing fingers, but...

606. How long have you known me, the both of you?

607. Wait, the both of us?

608. Who do you mean? Am... am I two people?

609. No. I was talking to both of you... to you and your wife

610. standing right next to you.

611. My wife?

612. He's not my wife.

613. I think we're going to go now.

614. I can take it from here.

615. Thank you.

616. Please don't go Have a good night.

617. Thank you.

618. No, no. No.

619. Those were my best friends.

620. It's really hard to explain unless you've done it, but it's

621. very special, and we... we did it perfectly.

622. It was just like... like that.

623. Just like a very tall peak.

624. It was crazy.

625. I mean, we lost our minds. Uh-huh.

626. I see a rainbow

627. In my head

628. Who are the new outsiders? Grave robbers.

629. G-R-A-V-E.

630. No one stays dead to me.

631. B? The V as in Victor.

632. Oh.

633. It's so funny when you say Victor.

634. Why, what do you say? I always say Veronica Smith.

635. Everyone has a different...

636. Way of... Mnemonic device.

637. A Mnemonic device.

638. I say device. But I come from an Italian family, so...