1. 9-1-1 WHERE IS YOUR EMERGENCY?Copy !req
2. THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE.Copy !req
3. THAT SOUNDS VERY GRIZZLY, SIR
I'M JUST GOING TO ASK YOU ACopy !req
4. COUPLE QUESTIONS. HAVE YOU HAD
ANY TROUBLE URINATING?Copy !req
5. NOCopy !req
6. DO YOU HAVE ANY NEW
SEXUAL PARTNERS?Copy !req
7. NOCopy !req
8. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAD
FOR DINNER THIS EVENING?Copy !req
9. A SALAD.Copy !req
10. COULD THERE HAVE BEEN
BEETS IN THE SALAD SIR?Copy !req
11. THERE IS SPINACH...Copy !req
12. WAS THERE GOAT CHEESE?Copy !req
13. OH YEA ACTUALLY THERE
WERE BEETS IN THERE.Copy !req
14. YES BEETS OFTEN CHANGE THE
CONSISTENCY AND THE COLORCopy !req
15. OF YOUR STOOL.Copy !req
16. REALLY?
- YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE.Copy !req
17. I PROMISE IT'S NOT
BLOOD, IT'S BEETS.Copy !req
18. OH DAMN OK, THANK YOU.Copy !req
19. YOU ARE VERY WELCOME.Copy !req
20. 9-1-1 WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?Copy !req
21. PLEASE STOP CRYING.Copy !req
22. DON'T LL YOUR EYES.Copy !req
23. THEY CAN'T SEE ME ROLLING MY
EYES, SHE DOESN'T KNOW I'MCopy !req
24. ROLLING MY EYES.Copy !req
25. WHAT?Copy !req
26. WHAT HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?Copy !req
27. THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.- I HAD A BOWL OF SOUP.Copy !req
28. AT ANY POINT DO YOU THINK YOU
HAD ANY BEETS?Copy !req
29. NO
OKCopy !req
30. WHAT KIND OF SOUP WAS IT?Copy !req
31. BORSCHTCopy !req
32. BORSCHT IS ACTUALLY
MADE FROM BEETS.Copy !req
33. SO YOU DID HAVE BEETS.Copy !req
34. WHAT SHOULD I DO?Copy !req
35. JUST FLUSH A COUPLE
TIMES, IT WILL BE FINE.Copy !req
36. 9-1-1 WHERE IS YOUR EMERGENCY?
ARE YOU ABLE TO BREATHE?Copy !req
37. YEACopy !req
38. IS IT BEETS?
YEACopy !req
39. GREATCopy !req
40. HI WAS IT BEETS?
YUPCopy !req
41. THOUGHT SO.Copy !req
42. 9-1-1 HOW ARE THOSE
BEETS YOU ATE TONIGHT?Copy !req
43. HI I ASSUME IT'S BEETS?Copy !req
44. BEETS BUTT WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?Copy !req
45. DO YOU HAVE A RED TOILET?Copy !req
46. ALL THAT IS MA'AM IS JUST
BEETS DISCOLORING YOUR STOOL.Copy !req
47. YOU CAN CALL IT A STOOL STAIN.Copy !req
48. YOU DON'T HAVE RECTUM CANCER.Copy !req
49. IT'S BEETS.Copy !req
50. YOU DIDN'T NOTICE
I HAD A HAIR CUT.Copy !req
51. WHERE DID YOU GET A HAIR CUT?Copy !req
52. RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS SHORTER.Copy !req
53. 9-1-1 WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?Copy !req
54. I'VE HAD A CAR ACCIDENT.Copy !req
55. CAN YOU TELL ME YOUR EXACT
LOCATION?Copy !req
56. I'M NOT SURE.Copy !req
57. DID YOU HAVE A BEETS IN A
SALAD, OR BEET CHIPS OR...Copy !req
58. BEETS AM I UNDERSTANDING
YOU CORRECTLY?Copy !req
59. BEETS THE VEGETABLE.Copy !req
60. I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT,
THERE'S A...Copy !req
61. I'M COVERED IN RED,
WAIT A MINUTE.Copy !req
62. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE
RIGHT IT IS BEETS.Copy !req
63. I CRASHED INTO A BEET TRUCK. HOW
THE HECK DID YOU KNOW THAT?Copy !req
64. SIR, IT'S ALWAYS BEETS.Copy !req
65. I THINK I'M COVERED
IN BEET JUICE.Copy !req
66. OF COURSE IT'S BEETS SIR, THANKS
FOR CALLING.Copy !req
67. HELLO, 9-1-1.Copy !req
68. SETTLE DOWN EVERYONECopy !req
69. IT'S BEEN A GOOD YEAR.Copy !req
70. HEIRLOOM TOMATOES DIDN'T EVEN
EXIST FIVE YEARS AGO.Copy !req
71. NOW EATEN LIKE STEAK,
KALE CONSUMPTION IS ATCopy !req
72. AN ALL TIME HIGH.Copy !req
73. EXCELLENT WORK LARRY.
HAHAHACopy !req
74. AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS ARE BACK.Copy !req
75. DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT BILL.Copy !req
76. AH, THEY SELL THEMSELVES.Copy !req
77. WHICH BRINGS US TO CELERY.Copy !req
78. YES, MARTY I'M
TALKING ABOUT YOU.Copy !req
79. YEA DOING
THE BEST I CAN HERE.Copy !req
80. YOUR NUMBERS ARE DOWN.Copy !req
81. YEA
- LOOK AT THIS GRAPHCopy !req
82. OH BECAUSE MY GRAPH...Copy !req
83. THAT'S YOU DOWN HERE.Copy !req
84. I DON'T HAVE THAT SAME GRAPH.Copy !req
85. OHCopy !req
86. DID YOU EVER HERE OF A
THING CALLED BLOODY MARYSCopy !req
87. I NEED NEW IDEAS MARTY.Copy !req
88. WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET BACK TO
YOU IS JUST FOOD, JUST A BASICCopy !req
89. STICK OF CELERY IS
GOOD IN AND OF ITSELF.Copy !req
90. REALLY MARTY BECAUSE I
FEEL LIKE CELERY IS LIMP.Copy !req
91. AH, OLD CELERY IS,
I'M TALKING ABOUTCopy !req
92. THE NEW AND IMPROVED CELERY. I'M
GONNA DO A WHOLE, A WHOLE VIRALCopy !req
93. CELERY PHENOMENON THAT IS JUST
GOING TO KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.Copy !req
94. MY SOCKS ARE ALREADY OFF, MARTY.Copy !req
95. POPEYE, I'M GONNA TALK WITH UH,
WHO DOES POPEYE? IT'S NOTCopy !req
96. HANNAH-BARBERA, NO I'LL FIND
OUT. I'LL GET ON IT.Copy !req
97. AND I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THE
NEW ADVENTURES OF POPEYE.Copy !req
98. INSTEAD OF EATING SPINACH. HE
EATS CELERY. - BILL?Copy !req
99. I'VE GOT AN IDEA OF
WHERE TO PUT THE CELERY.Copy !req
100. HOW ABOUT THE, WHAT IS IT
CALLED, THE DUMPSTER?Copy !req
101. I JUST WANTED TO ANNOUNCE THAT
WE JUST GOT AN ACCOUNT WITHCopy !req
102. VIRGIN AIRLINES. FOR BRUSSELS
SPROUTS TO BE FEATURED ON THECopy !req
103. MENU. WITH FLIGHTS AS A DESSERT.Copy !req
104. - OH. BRAVO.Copy !req
105. HONEY AND MAPLE SYRUP.
- REAL RESULTS MARTY.Copy !req
106. THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
- I'M OLD SCHOOL.Copy !req
107. AND I THINK MOST PEOPLE WHEN YOU
TALK TO THEM THEY WOULD AGREE.Copy !req
108. MARTY YOU KNOW WHO ELSE
WAS OLD SCHOOL?Copy !req
109. DICK WITH ALFALFA SPROUTS AND
NOW DICK IS GONE.Copy !req
110. WE NEED NEW IDEAS.Copy !req
111. I'M OUT OF IDEAS! I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.Copy !req
112. WELL, WHAT ABOUT ANTS ON A LOG?
YOU KNOW, YOU PUT THE TWO LITTLECopy !req
113. RAISINS AND A SMILEY FACE.
THAT'S HOW WE MET.Copy !req
114. THAT'S HOW YOU WOOED ME. - THEY
LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I DID THECopy !req
115. PEANUT BUTTER AND THE RAISINS.
THEY WERE POINTING AT ME GOINGCopy !req
116. THAT'S YOUR IDEA? - I DON'T KNOW
WHY THEY'D LAUGH.Copy !req
117. BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD GUY AND
THAT'S A GOOD SNACK.Copy !req
118. THEY'RE GOING TO FIRE ME. YOU
UNDERSTAND? THEY'RE GOING TOCopy !req
119. FIRE ME. - HAVE SOME DINNER.
- OH, I'M SORRY.Copy !req
120. BEET SALAD? - THEY WERE ON SALE
AT THE MARKET.Copy !req
121. YEAH. WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT A
LITTLE CELERY IN THERE?Copy !req
122. IN A BEET SALAD?
- IT'S GOOD!Copy !req
123. IT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD HONEY.
- WHY DON'T PEOPLE LIKE CELERY?Copy !req
124. IT'S FULL OF SOLUBLE AND
INSOLUBLE FIBER.Copy !req
125. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT'S VERY
HARD ON THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.Copy !req
126. AHHH.
- MY LIFE IS FALLING APART.Copy !req
127. SEVENTEEN HAS JUST COME IN.
NUMBER FIFTEEN IS PAID.Copy !req
128. NUMBER TWELVE IS READY.Copy !req
129. HI, WELCOME TO ORDER GRILL.
- HI.Copy !req
130. ONE?
- YEAH.Copy !req
131. WELCOME TO THE ORDER GRILL.
WHERE THE ORDERING EXPERIENCECopy !req
132. IS TAILORED TO YOUR NEEDS. FIRST
OF ALL, HOW WAS YOUR DAY TODAY?Copy !req
133. IT WAS FINE, THANK YOU.
- FINE, OK. THAT'S GREAT.Copy !req
134. SO YOU GOTTA FILL THIS OUT.
THERE'S A NEW EMAIL THAT YOUCopy !req
135. MAKE UP FOR HERE. AND THEN YOU
DO YOUR PROTEIN PREFERENCE.Copy !req
136. THEN IT'S YOUR VEGGIES. THERE'S
TOMATOES, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES,Copy !req
137. SUN DRIED TOMATOES, CHERRY
TOMATOES, RED LL PEPPERS ANDCopy !req
138. THEN BEVERAGE BONANZA. OK,
THAT'S JUST FOR...Copy !req
139. I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT.
- IT DOES SEEM LIKE A LOT.Copy !req
140. BUT IT'S NOT. AND YOU WOULD BE
NUMBER EIGHTEEN. GUYS NUMBERCopy !req
141. EIGHTEEN IS PUTTING IN THEIR
ORDER. - IT'S A PASTRAMICopy !req
142. SANDWICH. - DON'T TELL ME YOUR
ORDER. THAT'S NOT ME.Copy !req
143. COME ON, COME ON. LET'S GO TO
THE FIRST STATION.Copy !req
144. IT SEEMS COMPLICATED.
- COMPLICATED!Copy !req
145. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I'LL LET YOU GO.Copy !req
146. HI, I'M LILLIAN AND I DESIGNED
THIS RESTAURANT. - HI.Copy !req
147. WHAT I'VE DONE IS I'VE CHANGED
THE FORM AND THEREFORE THECopy !req
148. ENTIRE ESSENCE OF ORDERING.
YOU'RE GOING TO ORDER WHATEVERCopy !req
149. YOU WANT PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
- CAN I GIVE YOU A MAP?Copy !req
150. SO DRINK STATION IS RIGHT OVER
THERE. TO THE RIGHT AND THENCopy !req
151. BACK TO THE LEFT. AND THE ICE
STATION IS RIGHT BACK OVERCopy !req
152. THERE. - SO YOU HAVE THE ICE AND
THE SODA AT OPPOSITE ENDS.Copy !req
153. I KNOW, HAHA. UM, OK, FOURTEEN
TWENTY-EIGHT.Copy !req
154. AND WHEN DO I GET MY FOOD?Copy !req
155. PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
- IS THAT ME?Copy !req
156. PASTRAMI.
- I HAVE A POTATO FLAG.Copy !req
157. IS THAT HELPFUL?
- PASTRAMI SANDWICH.Copy !req
158. TWELVE?
- IS YOUR NAME PASTRAMI?Copy !req
159. NO.
- PASTRAMI?Copy !req
160. DOES IT HAVE SAUERKRAUT ON IT?
- NO, THEN IT'S NOT YOURS.Copy !req
161. IT'S PROBABLY MINE.
- WE'LL START IT FROM THECopy !req
162. BEGINNING.Copy !req
163. HI, I'M TRISH.
I'M JAYME, WELCOME TO PETCopy !req
164. HAVEN.
- THIS IS JACK WHITE.Copy !req
165. JACK WHITE LOVES TO RUN AWAY.
YEAH, IT'S A REALLY GOOD DOG FORCopy !req
166. RUNNING AWAY.
- IF YOU'RE SOMEONE THAT LOVESCopy !req
167. THE CHASE.
- IF YOU WANT TO MAKE FLIERS,Copy !req
168. IF YOU WANT TO BE STRESSED OUT
ALL NIGHT. - THAT DOG IS FOR YOUCopy !req
169. HEY, CAN I GET A BLOODY MARY
PLEASE? THANKS PAL.Copy !req
170. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?Copy !req
171. PICKLES? PICKLES IN A BLOODY
MARY? WHERE'S THE CELERY?Copy !req
172. THIS IS NOT PROPER BARTENDING.
THIS IS BULLSHIT.Copy !req
173. OH, HEY BILL. BILL! BILL!
HEY, IT'S ME MARTY.Copy !req
174. HOW ARE YOU DOING MARTY?
- HEY, CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK ANDCopy !req
175. MAYBE PICK YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE
BIT? HEY, CAN I GET A BLOODYCopy !req
176. MARY FOR MY FRIEND HERE.
CONGRATULATIONS ON A GREAT YEAR.Copy !req
177. I MEAN WOW.
- WELL,Copy !req
178. BOY OH BOY.
- WE JUST GOT AN ACCOUNTCopy !req
179. WITH THE COUNTRY OF
RUSSIA. IMAGINE THAT.Copy !req
180. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
- IN ORDER TO GET UP YOU'VE GOTCopy !req
181. TO USE YOUR BRAIN. YOU'VE GOT TO
USE YOUR, YOU KNOW, YOURCopy !req
182. INTELLECT. HOW ARE YOU MAKING
PEOPLE RE-THINK CELERY? - SOUP.Copy !req
183. DOES THAT SEEM EXCITING TO YOU?
SOUP? YOU'RE GOING TO WALK INTOCopy !req
184. A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT AND SAY,
'HEY YOU GUYS NEED TO STARTCopy !req
185. SELLING CELERY SOUP.' YOU WANT
PEOPLE TO GET SOMETHING IN ACopy !req
186. PLATE AND GO, 'TRY THIS, TRY
THIS.' YOU THINK THEY'RE GOINGCopy !req
187. TO DO THAT ABOUT SOUP? WHO ARE
YOU PARTNERING WITH?Copy !req
188. FOR A WHILE RAISINS. BUT...
- WHAT IS IT 1955?Copy !req
189. I NEED HELP.Copy !req
190. LOOK, I'M GONNA... I'M GOING TO
GIVE YOU A PHONE NUMBER.Copy !req
191. YOU'VE GOT TO REACH OUT TO SOME
OTHER FOODS. YOU DID NOT GETCopy !req
192. THIS FROM ME.Copy !req
193. BACON? YOU SON OF A GUN.
THIS GUY IS A GENIUS.Copy !req
194. DON'T BE DESPERATE. STOP BEING
SWEATY ABOUT EVERYTHING.Copy !req
195. MAKE A NEW BUSINESS PARTNER, BUT
DON'T GET TOO FRIENDLY.Copy !req
196. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
THE STOVE IS HOT DON'T BURN YOURCopy !req
197. FINGERS.Copy !req
198. HELLO?
- HI HONEY, IT'S ME.Copy !req
199. I GOT A LEAD ON SOMETHING AND
I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT.Copy !req
200. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO AWAY FOR
- A LITTLE WHILE.ME.Copy !req
201. I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU'RE SOUNDING
MARTY, PLEASE COME HOME.Copy !req
202. DO YOU TRUST ME?
- YEAH, I TRUST YOU.Copy !req
203. JUST BE CAREFUL, OK?
- OF COURSE I'M GOING TO BECopy !req
204. CAREFUL. AND I'M GOING TO GET US
BOTH THOSE CELL PHONES WE WANT.Copy !req
205. I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.Copy !req
206. LIKE, LIKE. HAPPY B-DAY.Copy !req
207. AH, SORRY!Copy !req
208. OK, MS. BROWNSTEIN YOU ARE HERE
TO DECLARE SOCIAL BANKRUPTCY.Copy !req
209. I WANT YOU TO BE CLEAR ON WHAT
THIS MEANS. YOU WILL BE ABSOLVEDCopy !req
210. OF ALL DEBT. ALL YOUR FACEBOOK
FRIENDS WILL BE GONE, ALL YOURCopy !req
211. EMAILS AND VOICEMAILS WILL BE
DELETED. ALL YOUR TWITTERCopy !req
212. FOLLOWERS WILL BE GONE. YOU'LL
BE ABLE TO START WITH A CLEANCopy !req
213. SLATE. BUT THIS IS KIND OF THE
NUCLEAR OPTION.Copy !req
214. DO YOU WANT TO GET THAT?Copy !req
215. IT'S LIKE IT PHYSICALLY HURTS
WHEN IT GOES OFF.Copy !req
216. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.
- I'M SORRY HOLD ON, HOLD ON.Copy !req
217. IF YOU NEED TO, YOU KNOW, LIKE A
COUPLE OF FRIENDS. INSTAGRAM ORCopy !req
218. SOMETHING.
- I DON'T, I DON'T WANT TO DOCopy !req
219. ANY OF THAT ANYMORE.
- WE DO OFFER COUNSELING TO HELPCopy !req
220. YOU SORT OF GET OUT OF DEBT.
- I TRIED THAT, I FEEL LIKE MYCopy !req
221. BANDWIDTH IS JUST FULL.
- I HAVE SOME TEMPLATE RESPONSESCopy !req
222. I USE... UM, PET PICTURES. I'LL
JUST WRITE, 'CUUUUUUTE.'Copy !req
223. JUST WITH LIKE A BUNCH OF 'O'S.'
- CUTE IS WITH A 'U.'Copy !req
224. NO, C-Y-O-O-O-O-T.
- I APPRECIATE THAT YOU'VE COMECopy !req
225. UP WITH A METHOD FOR DEALING
WITH IT. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE MYCopy !req
226. LIFE LIKE THAT.Copy !req
227. YOU'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO
PUT THAT IN THERE?Copy !req
228. I'M SO JACKED UP RIGHT NOW. YOU
KNOW, PINK RE-TWEETED MECopy !req
229. RECENTLY.
- YEAH, THAT MUST FEELCopy !req
230. FULFILLING.
- HUGE. ONE OF MY BIGGEST ONES.Copy !req
231. A PLAY ON WORDS, I SAID, 'ABACUS
IS A MACHINE YOU CAN REALLYCopy !req
232. COUNT ON.'
- I CAN'T WAIT TO MISS OUT ONCopy !req
233. JOKES LIKE THAT.
- ALRIGHT, MS. BROWNSTEIN.Copy !req
234. YOU CAN SIGN RIGHT THERE.
- I'LL GO TO THE LIBRARY ANDCopy !req
235. FIND SOMETHING IN A BOOK. AND...
- WHAT'S A LIBRARY?Copy !req
236. IS THAT LIKE A BIG KINDLE?Copy !req
237. OH MY GOD, FRED, I JUST GOT BACK
FROM POWELL'S. I GOT SO MANYCopy !req
238. BOOKS. I GOT THAT ONE LORRIE
MOORE BOOK THAT I HAVE NOT READCopy !req
239. YET. I WENT TO ACUPUNCTURE THEN
I GOT A MASSAGE. I JUST HAVE SOCopy !req
240. MUCH TIME I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST
SOAKING IT ALL IN.Copy !req
241. I FEEL SO ALIVE.
- I'M SORRY, DO I KNOW YOU FROMCopy !req
242. SOME PLACE?
- SERIOUSLY?Copy !req
243. YEA, YOU SEEM VERY CUTE AND I
HOPE THAT WE MET SOMEWHERECopy !req
244. GREAT. ARE YOU
VISITING PORTLAND?Copy !req
245. FRED, IT'S CARRIE.
- CARRIE? CARRY WHAT?Copy !req
246. BROWNSTEIN, B-R-O-W-N-S-T-E-I-NCopy !req
247. LISTEN,
- OK ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK?Copy !req
248. NO, I'M NOT ON FACEBOOK ANYMORE.Copy !req
249. SO YOU ARE NOT ON THERE.
ARE WE FRIENDS?Copy !req
250. YES WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.
- WE'RE BEST FRIENDS?Copy !req
251. WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.Copy !req
252. LET ME JUST GOOGLE YOU, WOW I'VE
NEVER SEEN A BLANK GOOGLE PAGE.Copy !req
253. IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU
DON'T EXIST, YOU'RE NOTCopy !req
254. ON GOOGLE AT ALL
CARRIE BROWNSTINECopy !req
255. STEIN
- I DON'T NO ANYTHINGCopy !req
256. ABOUT YOU IF YOU'RE
NOT ON HERE OR ON INSTAGRAMCopy !req
257. ARE YOU ON INSTAGRAM?
- NOCopy !req
258. I WANT TO GO BACK,
I CHANGED MY MIND.Copy !req
259. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, MEOWBAMA,
FOR PAWSIDENT, LET'S GOCopy !req
260. OK SO HERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO
AREN'T ONLINE, YOUR NEW GROUPCopy !req
261. OF FRIENDS, SAY HELLO TO
BRONWIN, YOUR AUNT ELIZABETHCopy !req
262. DAVE, COMA DAVE AND A BABY.Copy !req
263. WHAT ABOUT MY OTHER FRIENDS.Copy !req
264. THEY'RE GONE.Copy !req
265. I'M MAKING A SCRAP BOOK FOR YOU,
ABOUT THE SPOTTED OWLSCopy !req
266. THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM IN
THE '70S AND ALL THE BIG RUCKUSCopy !req
267. THAT THEY CAUSED.Copy !req
268. SHE IS YOUR WIKIPEDIA NOWCopy !req
269. NOW THEY WERE TRYING TO GET THE
BARRED OWLS TO BE KILLED.Copy !req
270. I HAVE TO GO, I'M SO SORRY, I
MISS THE INTERNET.Copy !req
271. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.
- FRED, FRED!Copy !req
272. BUT OWLS ARE VERY AMAZING.Copy !req
273. I'M STILL ONLINE, THANKS.Copy !req
274. FRED, FRED I'LL GET
BACK ONLINE, I'LL LEAVE ACopy !req
275. GIANT DIGITAL FOOTPRINT.Copy !req
276. HELLO?Copy !req
277. WHO IS IT?Copy !req
278. OH HI IT'S ME MARTY FROM CELERY,
ARE YOU THE BACON GUY?Copy !req
279. YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT EARLY, I'VE
NEVER REALLY HEARD THAT WORDCopy !req
280. BEFORE, 'THE BACON GUY' IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU'D LIKE TOCopy !req
281. CALL ME I DON'T REALLY CARE.Copy !req
282. I DON'T MEAN ANY DISRESPECT, I
GET CALLED THE CELERY GUY.Copy !req
283. WELL YOU'RE A MAN WHO
CELEBRATES, SELLS CELERYCopy !req
284. SO THEREFORE YOU'RE A GUY
AND YOU'RE THE CELERY GUY.Copy !req
285. I ACTUALLY THINK THAT CELERY IS
EXCITING IN ITS OWN WAY.Copy !req
286. IT'S NOT THAT I NEED BACON.Copy !req
287. BUT RIGHT NOW I COULD
REALLY USE SOME HELP.Copy !req
288. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR ME, THAT'S
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.Copy !req
289. DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?Copy !req
290. I'M MARRIED.Copy !req
291. OH WELLCopy !req
292. BUT I'M WILLING TO SHARE THE
PROFITS, OF COURSE.Copy !req
293. ONCE CELERY TAKES OFF.Copy !req
294. YOU WANT TO PLAY GAMES WITH ME?Copy !req
295. I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY GAMES WITH
YOU, I'M HERE TO MAKE A DEAL.Copy !req
296. I'M HERE ON BUSINESS.Copy !req
297. WELL THIS IS WHAT I'D LIKE, I
KNOW YOU HAVE A WIFE AND ICopy !req
298. WOULD LIKE ONE NIGHT WITH YOUR
WIFE AND THEN WE WILL BE INCopy !req
299. BUSINESS TOGETHER AND
YOU'LL BE A HUGE SUCCESS.Copy !req
300. YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE?Copy !req
301. I WOULD YEA, I'D LIKE THAT.Copy !req
302. NO OFFENSE, I DON'T
THINK SHE'D LIKE YOU.Copy !req
303. NOBODY DOES.Copy !req
304. I'LL DO IT.Copy !req
305. DO YOU WANT TO SEE
A PICTURE OF HIM?Copy !req
306. I'M GOOD.Copy !req
307. OK, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND I'M
NOT ASKING YOU TO DO THIS.Copy !req
308. LISTEN I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX
WITH THE BACON GUY, CELERY ISCopy !req
309. GOING TO GET BACK ON TOP AND WE
ARE GOING TO TAKE THAT TRIP.Copy !req
310. TO SANTA BARBARA LIKE WE KEEP
SAYING WE ARE GOING TO DO. OK?Copy !req
311. I'LL TALK TO HIM, MAYBE HE
WOULD GO FOR A HAND JOB.Copy !req
312. OK
- OK, THIS IS JUSTCopy !req
313. I GIVE A GREAT HAND JOB BY THE
WAY THAT IS NOT A DOWNGRADE.Copy !req
314. IT'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE
INTERCOURSE FOR HIM.Copy !req
315. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, STUPID
CELERY, WHAT AM I DOING?Copy !req
316. YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.Copy !req
317. MY WIFE IS GOING TO
BANG A GUY FROM BACON.Copy !req
318. DO YOU KNOW WHAT
F-B-I STANDS FOR?Copy !req
319. YOU'RE FROM THE F.B.I.?
- DON'T LOOK AT ME.Copy !req
320. WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATING BACON
FOR YEARS, IF YOU WERE WILLINGCopy !req
321. TO WEAR A WIRE I THINK WE COULD
BRING BACON DOWN, YOU IN?Copy !req
322. I'M IN, I'LL DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES.Copy !req
323. POPCORN?Copy !req
324. THANKS
- YOUR WELCOME, ENJOY.Copy !req
325. ARE YOU GOING TO
CALL ME OR ANYTHING?Copy !req
326. DO YOU OWN ANY CHANGE?Copy !req
327. SPARE CHANGE DO
YOU HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
328. SPARE CHANGE?Copy !req
329. DOES ANYONE HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
330. HELP US OUT.
- DO YOU HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
331. HI DO YOU HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
332. THIS IS GOING TO SOUND KIND OF
WEIRD CAN I LIKE JOIN YOU GUYS?Copy !req
333. I JUST HAVE HAD THIS CORPORATE
JOB FOR YEARS, 9-5 EVERYDAYCopy !req
334. IS THE SAME IT'S SO
MONOTONOUS, YOU KNOW LIKE,Copy !req
335. THIS ONE DAY MY CO-WORKER SAID
TO ME 'THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY'Copy !req
336. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?Copy !req
337. I LAUGHED.
- YEA DO YOU HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
338. ALL I HAVE IS A FIVE. DO YOU
GUYS HAVE ANY CHANGE?Copy !req
339. SORT OF GETTING IT
- YEA BUT YOU WANT TO DO LIKECopy !req
340. DO YOU HAVE ANY CHANGE,
YOU GOT TO DO SOME VOLUME.Copy !req
341. DO YOU HAVE A DOLLAR?Copy !req
342. DOLLAR - DOLLAR - DOLLAR
- DOLLAR - DOLLARCopy !req
343. SO COULD I LIKE JOIN
UP WITH YOU GUYS?Copy !req
344. YEA GIVE US A DOLLAR.Copy !req
345. SO YOU ARE GOING TO BE ONE OF US
YOU GOT TO DRESS LIKE ONE OF US.Copy !req
346. YEA I MEAN THESE ARE THE COLORS
I SORT OF LIVE IN SORT OF A CATSCopy !req
347. TONGUE THIS IS LIKE A LAVENDER,
THIS IS LIKE A DEVOTION BLUE.Copy !req
348. YEA, THAT'S GOT TO GO.Copy !req
349. THINGS HAVE TO HANG,
YOU NEED A LOT OF THIS.Copy !req
350. WHAT ARE THOSE FOR?Copy !req
351. JUST SO YOU CAN HEAR IT.Copy !req
352. I DON'T KNOW IT DOESN'T FEEL
LIKE ME, I FEEL A LITTLE EXPOSEDCopy !req
353. IT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE YOUR ANIMAL.Copy !req
354. YEACopy !req
355. NOCopy !req
356. NOCopy !req
357. NOCopy !req
358. NOW WHAT?Copy !req
359. NOW WE WALK AROUND.Copy !req
360. HEY GUYS, SORRY I DON'T THINK
THIS IS WORKING FOR ME.Copy !req
361. MY THERAPIST SAID I NEEDED TO
GET OUT, GET MORE EXERCISE.Copy !req
362. I THINK I'M JUST
GOING TO GO JOIN A GYM.Copy !req
363. THAT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF
PAN HANDLING TO...Copy !req
364. I'M ACTUALLY RICH, I
HAVE A LOT OF DOLLARS.Copy !req
365. - WAIT, YOU'RE RICH?Copy !req
366. YEA I HAVE A TON OF MONEY.Copy !req
367. - I MEAN I'M RICH TOOCopy !req
368. REALLY?Copy !req
369. - YEA I LIKE GREW UP IN
THE SOUTH WEST HILLS.Copy !req
370. WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GUYS GO TO?Copy !req
371. CAITLIN GABEL, WHERE DID YOU?
- NO WAY CENTRAL CATHOLIC!Copy !req
372. WHAT SPORTS DID YOU
PLAY IN HIGH SCHOOL?Copy !req
373. I WAS PRETTY GOOD AT TENNIS.Copy !req
374. I WAS RANKED EIGHTH IN STATE.Copy !req
375. OH MY GOD
- STEFFI GRAF SHE WAS LIKECopy !req
376. MY HERO.Copy !req
377. STEFFI GRAFCopy !req
378. WEDDLE FAN? BORIS BECKER FAN?
- I WAS A BECK HEADCopy !req
379. I KNEW IT.Copy !req
380. DO YOU KNOW DENIS MCDONALD?Copy !req
381. OH HE'S REAL FAMOUS.Copy !req
382. WELL IT WAS COOL HANGING OUT
WITH YOU GUYS I THINK I'M GOINGCopy !req
383. TO GO BACK TO WORK TOMORROW.Copy !req
384. OH I DON'T THINK YOU
HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW.Copy !req
385. OH YEA IT'S FRIDAY.Copy !req
386. HUH, T-G-I-FCopy !req
387. AHH HAHACopy !req
388. COME INCopy !req
389. HEY
- WHY HELLO MARTIN.Copy !req
390. THIS IS MY WIFE LORAINE.Copy !req
391. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A VENUS FLY TRAP?Copy !req
392. NOT IN REAL LIFE.Copy !req
393. IT'S KIND OF AN ANIMAL AND IT'S
KIND OF A PLANT AT THE SAME
TIME.Copy !req
394. SO SHE'S READY TO HAVE A GO
WITH YOU IN EXCHANGE FORCopy !req
395. YOUR HELP WITH THE
CELERY DEAL THAT WE MADE.Copy !req
396. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
WEARING A WIRE.Copy !req
397. HAHA A WIRE? WHY WOULD I,Copy !req
398. RUN!Copy !req
399. STOP RUNNING,
SOMEBODY CATCH THEM.Copy !req
400. HEY, WHERE WERE YOU, WE ALMOST
GOT, WHAT'S HAPPENING.Copy !req
401. WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED,
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.Copy !req
402. WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?Copy !req
403. WHAT KIND OF ROWS ARE THOSE?
- WHY IS THERE CORN EVERYWHERE?Copy !req
404. CORN USED TO BE AMERICA'S
VEGETABLE AND THEN ALONG COMESCopy !req
405. BACON AND MAKES EVERY VEGETABLE
FROM ZUCCHINI TO CELERY SEXIERCopy !req
406. THAN CORN. I'M SORRY YOU GOT
CAUGHT IN THE CROSS FIRE BUTCopy !req
407. OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.Copy !req
408. I WAS GOING TO WHORE MYSELF OUT,
IS THAT STILL ON THE TABLE?Copy !req
409. WHY WOULD THAT STILL
BE ON THE TABLE?Copy !req
410. FOR FUN.Copy !req
411. THERE WAS NO F.B.I.
IT WAS ALL A RUSECopy !req
412. BIG CORN HAD BEEN PULLING THE
STRINGS ALL ALONG AND CELERYCopy !req
413. WAS CAUGHT IN THE CROSS FIRE,
THANK YOU.Copy !req
414. IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT
HAPPENS NEXT, YOU'LL HAVE TOCopy !req
415. BUY MY BOOK.Copy !req
416. IT'S DONE.Copy !req