Portlandia 4x10

1. Come on, Dave.

2. Pump it.

3. Dave, come on.

4. Why is it not filling up? I've been doing this for an hour.

5. - We've got a hole. - What?

6. We've got a hole in the raft.

7. Well, I didn't have any keys in my pocket when I sat on this thing.

8. - Is there another hose? Is there something else we can use? - Damn it.

9. You know what, I just wanted a nice trip to the river.

10. Well, we're not gonna have it.

11. I shouldn't be this upset.

12. I'm not... I can't even see the raft anymore.

13. I'm just clouded by anger.

14. This is just... this is not...

15. this is not fun doing this.

16. We need to slow down.

17. - We need to get away. - Let's go somewhere.

18. Let's get away for the week.

19. Shoes off.

20. Socks off. Shorts off.

21. - Shirt off, just... - Off.

22. Let's go somewhere where I can sit and read every magazine in

23. that house that has not been read.

24. Read some crappy newspaper that has like four pages in it,

25. Got it, why don't we go to New Beavertown?

26. - It's quaint, nice, quiet. - Getting away.

27. Well, welcome to the feminist moon weekend.

28. We're gonna be getting away.

29. If you look up at the moon, which we're gonna be doing

30. a lot of this weekend...

31. It isn't a man's face. It's a woman's face.

32. We've made sure that there's going to be

33. only women this weekend.

34. Yeah.

35. Even for a moment, just a glimmer of a female utopia.

36. Sounds like heaven on earth.

37. See you later. All right. Here we go.

38. - Excuse me. - I'm sorry.

39. You guys ready to have a good time?

40. We're gonna call the police in a minute.

41. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

42. No. I'm, I'm, I'm your bus driver.

43. - Where's Kim? - I'm Kim.

44. It's short for Kimtofer.

45. We have promised a male free weekend,

46. and it's already been penetrated.

47. We... we are short staffed this weekend. They're... they're...

48. This is not what I signed up for.

49. Angel, we are stressed enough as it is.

50. Angel, I'm very sorry about this.

51. You're adding to it.

52. We're a fledgling bus company, you know?

53. You know, my dad left at a very young age.

54. I never really got to know him.

55. I was raised by my mother.

56. I was raised by my grandmother.

57. I was raised by my aunts.

58. A strong sense of self, empathy, a sympathetic nature.

59. The things in the plus column of females, you know it's...

60. - In the puss column? - The plus... the plus column.

61. You know, if you made two columns, a plus and a minus.

62. If you rape us, that is on you.

63. That's on me.

64. Of course, it'll be me.

65. All right. Everybody get ready, gang. Here we go.

66. Does anybody know how to drive this thing?

67. Just... you better wait until we get into the room.

68. - Hey silly! - Get in there, get in there.

69. Hey...

70. Take this off.

71. Should I take this off?

72. You want to take this off?

73. Come in here. Hurry.

74. Hurry.

75. Oh.

76. Hi, could we... do you have any of those Do Not Disturb signs?

77. I don't have one on my door, and... that's great.

78. I mean, it's really important that we could...

79. - Peter? - Yeah.

80. Come on, hon.

81. I'll be right there.

82. Ma'am, just do not disturb, disturb at all.

83. Just tell the people at the front desk.

84. Tell everyone in these rooms.

85. I mean, no calls, nothing.

86. I mean, because it's gonna be... the bed's gonna be... and

87. the headboard's gonna be... and the room's gonna be..., and the

88. room's gonna... it's gonna stink.

89. Umm, umm, umm.

90. Oh, hon. Look at these brochures.

91. That's a lot.

92. Cave Tours.

93. Zip lines, and, and, and, and wine.

94. Hot air ballooning.

95. I don't know about that.

96. Get up there too high, you won't want to come down.

97. Oh, hon.

98. Can we just try like a walking tour then we kind of get a lay of the land.

99. It looks pretty historic.

100. My eyesight's getting... changing.

101. Have I changed?

102. Have... has what changed, hon?

103. The way I look at things.

104. Well, can you read that?

105. No.

106. - Can you read that? - Yes.

107. Walking through a historical... New Beavertown.

108. Tour leaves right outside of Brewligans.

109. Where is that?

110. Well, let's get a map, and we will figure out how to get there.

111. It says no reservations required,

112. but I... I... I think we should reserve anyway just to make sure.

113. I don't want to, you know, stand...

114. 40 minutes until the next tour?

115. You want to go on a little cave tour?

116. Little cave tour?

117. Oh, yeah, you know what I'm saying...

118. You've sat on this?

119. This one before this is new.

120. Hey, where's the pool we're here to relax?

121. Oh.

122. You know, if we weren't here to relax,

123. I'd be all over that rack.

124. I mean, one little browse can't hurt, right?

125. Dave, nuh-uh. Let's leave the brochure rack.

126. I know, I know, I know, I know.

127. It's just tempting... rafting, museum, forest, golf.

128. Nuh, that's fine. Let's just go.

129. Huh.

130. Shut your mouth, David Mordecai Glibs Felder

131. Do not talk.

132. There is an outlet mall here.

133. Yes. Uh...

134. We can't relax while there's deals going on.

135. We need to devour those.

136. We got to go.

137. Hon. Sunglass Hut,

138. - Haagenn Dazs, - Fossil.

139. - Coach Men's. - it.

140. No, no. it.

141. No. Get.

142. - Hi. - Hello.

143. We need to use your bathroom.

144. The bathroom is for guests only.

145. I'm sorry.

146. We're on a road trip, and we're not wanting to stop at some gas station.

147. Yeah, I'm not gonna use a truck stop and be mistaken for a lot lizard.

148. Okay. Well, we're completely full this weekend.

149. - Well, my bladder's completely full. - I'm sorry.

150. Well you've taken away one of our rights.

151. So it seems like we should take away something of yours.

152. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

153. Yeah. Your mom sounds like a wise woman.

154. Hello, there. Well she sure is, yeah. Yeah.

155. Good day to you.

156. We're just here to tell you that you're heading into

157. beaver territory, and to respect the beaver.

158. We have been worshiping the beaver for decades, so...

159. Very good. Yeah.

160. Very good. Thank you.

161. Nice to see you. Enjoy.

162. We shouldn't have a problem respecting the beaver.

163. Angel?

164. Could I get a ride?

165. Hey, Toni, can you carry that?

166. My feet are tired.

167. Candice, she's not a Sherpa.

168. Okay, now I'm pretty good at maps here,

169. so it should be a giant sign sun right here, kind of smiling.

170. Where's the building with the espresso cup on top?

171. On, good question.

172. Maybe it's above here or something.

173. Is that you taking the picture?

174. No because there's no one next to him.

175. Oh, I'll just step out.

176. Oh.

177. - That's great. - Oh wow. Okay.

178. - Peter, there's Brewligans. - Oh, great. Oh, there's the tour.

179. Gather round everybody. Test, test, tour, tour.

180. Great.

181. So, welcome to the walking tour of New Beavertown.

182. First thing everyone always asks me is why is this place called

183. New Beavertown, and the answer is because it was crawling with...

184. crawling with beavers.

185. I want to say ants.

186. As recently as 1965, there were over one billion beavers living

187. right here.

188. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and...

189. - Go ahead. - Where are the beavers now?

190. As human population grew in New Beavertown,

191. the beaver population was pushed further and further out into the

192. forest to an area called Grimwood.

193. What'd he say?

194. Grimwood.

195. As a result, humans had no choice but to skin them,

196. use their skin in hats, and they would take the meat,

197. and they would not eat the meat.

198. Humans are terrible.

199. We're awful, awful species.

200. All right.

201. So, follow me. I'm gonna show you an old store.

202. Ooh.

203. So, this is the second oldest store.

204. Beavers. Look at the craftsmanship.

205. That's a lot of detail.

206. Look at that.

207. Wow.

208. The tour will be reconvening outside in about five minutes.

209. Look, fuzzy ones and there's a little Scottish one,

210. a little police officer.

211. I love little sculptures.

212. I love art, having it around.

213. We should start collecting them?

214. Hon, did we lose... did we lose the tourist group?

215. Hello?

216. You know, I think we're good.

217. I know what the town looks like, right?

218. It's not that big.

219. Okay, let's just explore on our own.

220. - Okay. - You show me the way.

221. All right, so welcome.

222. Pretty soon we're gonna be walking up towards the giant

223. coffee cup, then here we'll see a baseball diamond.

224. The outlet mall.

225. Dave you'll never find a cheaper pair of

226. mildly damaged Nautica pants.

227. Yeah.

228. I mean, I think they only sell Nautica at outlet malls.

229. Polo, Bass, Jockey.

230. We got Hanes Her Way.

231. Zales. Fantastic.

232. I love Zales.

233. Jones New York. Van Heusen.

234. Isotoner.

235. Dave, what is it?

236. Yes.

237. Ilove you.

238. I love you. I love you.

239. I love you.

240. Get down there.I love you.

241. Get down there.

242. This is a photograph in Beavertown taken in 1983.

243. This is the largest dam of the Pacific Northwest.

244. Without this dam, the entire town of New Beavertown would be

245. covered in our old friend, H20.

246. If I keep going this way, the giant beaver in the construction

247. hat should be... I think we go back and, and, and, and, and,

248. and...

249. Peter, this is an artistic embellishment.

250. - It's just a cartoon map. - Ah ha.

251. If we go... no, I think...

252. Peter, it's just a little tourist map, hon.

253. It's not gonna help us find anything.

254. It's not gonna help us get back to the hotel, which is where I'd like to go.

255. - It's getting late. - All right.

256. And we lost the group, and let's...

257. - Yeah. Okay. - Let's just go back...

258. And get a bite to eat, but not with that map.

259. - Well, I just... - Hon...

260. We are headed toward the giant beaver statue.

261. Here we go.

262. Now, hold on everyone.

263. Can we have some quiet.

264. - Kim. - This is really tough.

265. Kim, I'm talking to you.

266. I'm having a hard time really feeling present in the situation.

267. That guitar, your banging.

268. I..I... I thought the guitar sounded great.

269. Will you just shoosh.

270. I thought you sounded good, man.

271. That's not the point.

272. It's... It wasn't the time.

273. - What? I get it... time. - There's a time and place for song.

274. I want quiet.

275. I'm trying to keep the fire going.

276. We've got a long night ahead of us.

277. You can't chop wood silently.

278. No, I know that, but then don't chop the wood, sir.

279. I'm gonna throw your glasses into the fire and put 'em back

280. on your face again.

281. How'd that feel?

282. Uh, it would feel... I would feel bad.

283. It's a good time for us to just reflect and have silence.

284. Yep.

285. Agreed, no more music.

286. Stop it.

287. Now, look what you did?

288. Wow.

289. $15.99.

290. A fleece for $15.99.

291. Can you imagine? Unreal. It's practically free.

292. Oh, is there a little bullet hole or cigarette burn?

293. It's like a beauty mark.

294. What about this?

295. Is it a hole in the back?

296. Yeah.

297. I can stick my hand in there and just massage it.

298. I bet you they designed it that way,

299. and they thought it was a mistake.

300. - Oh, it's $10.99. - You have to get it.

301. I'll just stand on that side of you.

302. - Does the zipper work? - Oh, it's a little bit of a...

303. No, no, no. Does the zipper work?

304. That's what fleece is about.

305. - You look great. - Smells like chemicals.

306. - Dave, I'm shaking. - I know.

307. $8.99.

308. $5.99

309. $5. $3. It's only $2.

310. - This is great. - Get it.

311. Unreal, this is great.

312. The length is great on you.

313. Well, it's good for like if there's water, you know,

314. step into that.

315. - You want this one, too, right? - Absolutely.

316. Dave, does the zipper work?

317. Yeah. It's fine.

318. Oh, you look great.

319. I feel so alive right now.

320. Me, too.

321. I want to keep shopping.

322. I have not seen the pajama section.

323. I haven't seen the spring collection or the summer

324. collection or last year's fall ready to wear fleece.

325. I say we come back early tomorrow.

326. - How early? - 7 a.m.

327. Honey, that is too late.

328. I say we sleep in the car tonight.

329. In case there's a line, I want to be the first one in...

330. - We're saving money. - Let's do it.

331. Peter.

332. Should we go down...

333. Hon, please.

334. I... I think between these two trees right here.

335. No. Honey, it's... it's getting dark.

336. We... we don't know where we're going.

337. We need to find the... the... the big beaver saying welcome.

338. That's our true north, and... and I think it...

339. Peter, I'm tired.

340. My dogs are barking.

341. My Calfs are mooing.

342. Can't you hear them? I gotta sit down.

343. But we're almost there. I... I...

344. We're not almost anywhere.

345. It is getting kind of late. What time is it?

346. It's nine.

347. That's two hours past my bedtime.

348. I'm just gonna put my head down for a second.

349. Okay I Just... I need to rest.

350. I need to conserve my warmth.

351. - Are you sure? - Yeah.

352. But, I... maybe, maybe... I could swear... all right.

353. This is... this is right here.

354. And I'm the only male driver we have.

355. I rarely... I rarely even get to drive 'em anymore.

356. It's mostly just about, you know, bookkeeping,

357. and I haven't had the best... the best relationships

358. with women romantically.

359. - You haven't? - No.

360. No, I feel like I get stepped on a lot.

361. If you ever want to know anything about women...

362. - God, are you kidding me? - You just call me.

363. I...

364. - I know a lot about women. - Hell, I think you've forgotten more about women

365. than I'll ever know at this point, you know?

366. Yeah, maybe actually.

367. I was a little concerned maybe you guys were gonna bludgeon me

368. with a rock while I was sleeping.

369. It's nice to know I'll be alive in the morning.

370. I'm whipping up some eggs for you guys.

371. I don't think I've ever woken up to a man making me eggs.

372. Well, I will be happy to do it.

373. Not even my father.

374. Oh. I got one of those kind of dads myself.

375. My dad made oatmeal.

376. Oh, I meant my dad left.

377. Sorry.

378. I hope I'm not keeping you guys from something or if you guys

379. were doing... I just sort of... you know... Sat down right

380. No, we're here and all... so...

381. We're so happy to be sitting around with you.

382. You're so gentle.

383. I don't know. I mean...

384. That's very nice of you.

385. I mean I, you know... just watching the way you use your

386. fingers on that fret there.

387. Kind of like oh, I wish I was a guitar.

388. - You know what I mean? - Yeah, me too.

389. Well, let's get those egg orders in.

390. - Where's... - Sorry.

391. Where's Candice and Toni?

392. We've been here the whole time.

393. Won't you sit down and join us.

394. We're just talking about eggs and, you know...

395. Um-hmm, we can hear.

396. We've got a man in our midst, a man in our mist.

397. Is it midst or mist?

398. I believe it's midst with a D.

399. You're an animal. Do you know that?

400. Get her.

401. Buddy.

402. Yeah, dude. What's going on?

403. I think you know.

404. You're C blocking me, dude.

405. You're the one with the C.

406. I mean, I... I... you know, I'm...

407. This weekend was supposed to be about women.

408. Now, it's just about him.

409. They're not getting their deposit back.

410. Dave. Wake up. It's a beautiful day.

411. Oh, wow. I slept great.

412. Me, too. Fleece mattress.

413. Okay, so once they open up, we'll go to Oshkosh b'gosh.

414. Should we get a bagel and then b'gosh?

415. Okay so you want a nosh before we go to b'gosh?

416. And then Lacoste.

417. I couldn't have said it better myself, and I'm going back to bed.

418. I want some more, please.

419. Pretty, pretty, pretty please.

420. I want some more, please.

421. More fleece for me.

422. You have a beautiful singing voice.

423. It... wake up.

424. - Quick, wake up. - What is it?

425. Look, the beaver.

426. Peter, there it is.

427. And... and we're saved.

428. Let's go.

429. Let's go.

430. Look at the size of it.

431. Oh, honey, we're saved.

432. Oh.

433. - We did it. - I have an idea.

434. What?

435. I'm gonna commemorate this.

436. What? Honey, no.

437. Ah, no. No, no, no, no, no.

438. That's... honey, that's sacred property.

439. Honey. What if someone sees you?

440. Oh, it's fine.

441. I don't know, Peter.

442. You're defacing something of value.

443. Something nice. You know, it just...

444. I don't know. I'm worried someone's gonna see us.

445. Oh, it'll be fine.

446. Let's go.

447. Beaver population was pushed further out into the forest.

448. Humans are terrible.

449. The entire town would be covered in our old friend, H20.

450. Everybody, wake up.

451. It's flooding.

452. The river... it's flooding.

453. Wake up, up.

454. What's flooding?

455. The river.

456. What? Oh.

457. What? Angel, tell me again.

458. The dam broke.

459. Toni, we've got to get down there.

460. Clearly nature's punishing us because we turned this moon

461. weekend over to a man.

462. Okay.

463. No more calling for help.

464. We're the help.

465. We run to the danger.

466. That's who we are.

467. Mother moon would want that.

468. Let's go. Let's show her how much we are one with her.

469. Let's do this. We're gonna go to the river.

470. We're gonna stop the flood. We're gonna use our vaginas.

471. Vaginas out. Let's go.

472. Take your clothes off.

473. Let's go.

474. That was a really good speech.

475. This way, come on. Towards the river.

476. Do you want to go or?

477. I mean I could also stay here.

478. I'm pretty comfortable.

479. - You want to stay? - Yeah, I want to stay.

480. Let's stay. Let's stay.

481. Let's stay.

482. Let's stay.

483. A flash flood.

484. Come here. No, that's a jacket.

485. Grab it, grab it. It's okay.

486. Get on fleece raft.

487. God, this is a great piece of fleece, oh my God.

488. - What happened? - A great piece of fabric.

489. Flash flood.

490. Going about 40 knots.

491. Dave, I was wrong earlier.

492. We don't need a peaceful vacation.

493. We need stress.

494. We need chaos. That's where we thrive.

495. Yeah. I need to panic.

496. - You know what our word is... - A-O river.

497. - It's A-O river. - Yeah.

498. I want to be stressed.

499. I want to be in a state of emergency, you know what I mean?

500. Run, run, run.

501. I want to be stretched.

502. Help, help, help, help, help.

503. I like it, see I like... my blood is flowing right now.

504. I need that panic.

505. Ah, help.

506. Getting in the water.

507. I don't want to be out here. Yes.

508. Overboard.

509. Hey lock arms so we can hold this river back.

510. We can do it.

511. Lock arms, be strong.

512. We are a dam!

513. Use your labia!

514. We could just hold this water back.

515. No flow has ever stopped a woman.

516. We have the power.

517. Angel, no.

518. Let her go.

519. You go, girl.

520. We have to summon Mother moon.

521. She controls the tides.

522. This is our tide.

523. Yeah.

524. All this whining and complaining, a man in our midst.

525. Is it mist or midst.

526. Midst.

527. A man in our midst, mist?

528. - Midst. - Midst.

529. A man... was he in our... a man was in our mist.

530. In our midst.

531. No flood is gonna ruin our weekend.

532. Mother moon, turn this tide.

533. Mother moon, we sing this to you.

534. Ahhhhh

535. Help, Mother moon.

536. It's weird.

537. The water is subsiding.

538. Where's our fun.

539. Hey, what is that up there?

540. It's like a line of women just stopping the water.

541. Wait, let me see.

542. I think it's working.

543. Whew.

544. Dam! Dam! Dam!

545. Wait, it's a beaver dam.

546. Wow.

547. I don't see this river on here at all.

548. I don't know what the scale is.

549. You know what, Peter?

550. I don't want to use this map anymore.

551. What? Why?

552. I know where I am, and I don't need a map to find you.

553. Oh.

554. Because I found you a long time ago.

555. I guess we're kind of on our own deserted island, huh?

556. If I had to be on a desert island,

557. you would be my food and my water.

558. You know my favorite desert island disk is if I was... if I

559. had only... if, if, I had... had I been... if... if... if... my

560. favorite desert island disk would be guess what?

561. I can't possibly think.

562. I want to give you a hint.

563. Um, I don't know if you've heard of this one.

564. You know the... the album Nance is beautiful and she's who I

565. want to be with?

566. Do you know it? It's got some great songs on it.

567. Let me see if you're her.

568. Hey, how's it going?

569. Hi.

570. Well, what does it take to get some privacy around here?

571. I know I just want to put a Do Not Disturb sign on the bench

572. or something.

573. - You okay? - I am freezing.

574. Oh, hi KD.

575. Where were you?

576. We were... Kim and I were in the forest there, exploring.

577. Exploring what?

578. Wood, things like that.

579. Um-hmm.

580. I heard you guys summoning the moon,

581. and I just... pulled me right back in.

582. I'm here.

583. I'm totally back with the group.

584. I'm like totally... yeah.

585. I'm glad you're not gone.

586. Thank you.

587. Now, I don't know what we're gonna do. The bus got washed away.

588. I mean, what are we supposed to do?

589. We're gonna walk.

590. We're gonna walk back to Portland.

591. We're gonna walk.

592. As I went down in the river to pray,

593. Studying about that good ol' way

594. And who shall wear the starry crown?

595. Good Lord, show me the way!

596. Oh, sisters let's go down.

597. Come on down, let's go down

598. Oh, lovers let's go down.

599. Down in the river to pray.

600. Down in the river to pray.

601. Down in the river to pray.

602. Down in the river to pray.